All language subtitles for The Commish s02e13 The Heart Is a Lonely Sucker

I want my 50 bucks back. The visitation
was a success.

She's a liar.

Hold it. Did you tell Mr. Conroy you'd
call it the spirit of his mother? He

spoke to his mother. I spoke to Eleanor
Roosevelt.

Hey, she was a great lady.

Yeah, but she wasn't my mother. Contact
was made with the appropriate spirits.

My mother never called me Freddy.

Maybe not to your face.

You stole my money.

She's a thief and a liar.

Be very careful with that kind of talk,
mister.

Look, this is the fourth complaint we've
had on you this month.

Hey, is it my fault that people have
unrealistic expectations when it comes

the spirit world?

I'm going to have to take you in.

For what?

How? Fraud.

Fraud?

I warn you, you do this, you suffer the
rage of the spirit world.

Rage away.

Just... Don't bring back my fourth
-grade teacher, Mrs. Hopper. I feel an

wind blowing out of the darkness into
your life.

It will separate you from your earthly
possessions, and this ill wind will

continue to blow until you are swept
into the black void of the spiritless

where you will dwell forever.

That can't be good.

Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute.

I'm warning you. Take me in at your own
peril.

Hi.

The victim was Jeff Beckerman, 35,
single. He took a couple in the chest

38. I've already done a walkthrough with
his next -door neighbor.

She thinks the only things missing are a
Louis XIV snuff box, silver dagger, and

a jewelry case worth over $50 ,000.

Not the kind of things your average
fence would want to handle.

You know, six weeks ago, that house on
Cloverdale was burglarized. South

American artifacts.

And then that house full of anti
-clocks, they were worth over a hundred

Either we're getting a better class of
thieves in Eastbridge or it's the same

guy.

Let's talk to the owners of the
artifacts and the clocks.

Maybe they have something in common
besides a passion for antiques.

He hasn't left us much to go on up to
now.

But this time he had to do something
that he didn't plan on.

Maybe something will shake down.

Tony. Huh?

The tear was in Beckerman's hand.

Maybe something already shook out.

It's almost got 100 ,000 miles on it. I
mean, a new alternator is worth more

than the car.

No, I'm not going to throw that soul
over my shoulder.

And neither are you.

Why not?

It's my fault. It's my curse.

Okay, so you're not superstitious, but
what does it hurt to cover your tracks?

I grew up with this, all right? My
mother drove me crazy with the santerias

the candles and the spells.

Just forget what that woman said, all
right? It's nonsense.

You want to forget about the tree?

Coincidence. You know, there's a lot
going on out there that we don't know

anything about.

I know. That's why every squad car comes
equipped with a radio.

I just think it's arrogant to think we
know everything there is to know about

the universe.

Look, I'm not saying I know everything
there is to know about the universe.

All I'm saying, you touch that salt, you
die.

Now, slide away from the table, slowly,
keeping your hands where I can see them.

Hey, boss.

Sid asked me to talk to the guys who own
those South American statues and

antique clocks, and I came up with a
list of all the new people they met in

last three months.

I both had Janet Whalen, Gwen Albuter,
and Karen Welch. What happened? They

go to the same party?

No. Same video dating service.

Romantic introductions.

Um... I want you to come have a look at
our two previous burglary victims.

Notice anything unusual?

They look alike.

Tony.

They look just like you.

And so does the dead guy, Beckerman.

If it's one of the three women from the
video dating service, that's the killer.

then she's attracted to men who look
just like you.

Forget it.

It's perfect.

Forget it, Sid. Why?

Why? In the first place, I'm married.

We're just talking about offering
yourself up as bait.

The situation's tailor -made. You could
be a ringer for any one of those guys. I

haven't been out on a date in 20 years.
I wouldn't know how to act.

You wouldn't know how to act, Tony.

I have seen you with suspects and
snitches. De Niro could take lessons.

You're the best.

No.

I am damn good.

But... What's the number for romantic
introductions?

Uh... Wait, just a sec.

Maybe we shouldn't rush into this.

Why?

I'm thinking. And you're married. This
could be a problem for Rachel.

It's police business.

She'll be okay.

And you said, you said you wouldn't know
how to act.

Two seconds ago, I was teaching De Niro.

Yeah, I'd like to make an appointment
for a romantic introduction.

My name is Tony Croce, and to get to
know me is also to get to know about

fine art, travel, the opera.

And both sides of the designated hit a
controversy.

I want to spend some time with someone
who doesn't mind mixing fun and culture.

A person who enjoys the finer things,
not necessarily the flashier things.

If you're that person, I look forward to
meeting you.

Oh, good, Tony. Very nice touch,
combining baseball and opera.

You don't think I came off too flashy,
do you? No, no, you were fine.

After I rehearsed.

You sure it sounded sincere?

Absolutely.

Now, when you come back in, we'll have
the videos of the women who'd like to

meet you.

You can also look through the bios and
leave your tape for the women you'd like

to meet.

So, does this work?

It did for me.

I met my wife through the service.

Great.

What's your advice?

Be yourself, and everything else will
fall into place.

On the practical side, don't plan any
elaborate first meetings.

Uh -huh.

Coffee, a drink, if they seem nice.

Hi, I'm Jennifer. Make a real date for
another time.

I come off kind of serious.

It's just because of my upbringing.

Don't be too concerned about it. It's
just stuck to the outside.

On the inside, I'm, um,

Whoopi Goldberg.

Would you like her to see your video?

I know you're not happy about this.

I just wanted to tell you, I think
you're handling it really great.

Why shouldn't I?

It's your job.

Right.

And your job requires you to do certain
things.

Yeah. Things that you wouldn't
ordinarily choose to do.

I have no time.

Why do you have to go on a date?

Rachel. I mean, it's not just one date,
but three dates in a row? I have to,

hon. You know this can't be helped.

I know.

All the victims look like me.

I know.

Does this tie go with the shirt?

I'd wear the blue tie with the little
yellow duckies.

You always said that was ugly.

I know.

I'm supposed to look rich and
successful.

Oh, Tony, tell me you're not looking
forward to this, huh? Believe me, I'm

We're trying to apprehend the killer
here.

Excuse me?

What was that?

What?

You just put cologne on.

I did?

Well, it's just force of habit.

I'll wash it off.

Hey, hear the water running?

I'll wash it off.

Tony?

Janet? I just wanted to tell you in
person.

You're scum!

Oh. I work with your wife.

And she just had a baby.

Don't tell me. This isn't what it looks
like.

What are you looking at?

You're all pigs, every last one of you.

So, you must be Tony.

I'm Gwen, but you know that already
because you saw my video.

But sometimes those tapes don't always
give a true picture.

Do you think I did mine justice?

Anyway, in case you were wondering,
Gwen's not short for anything.

Not Gwenevere, not Gwendolyn.

Just Gwen. Short and sweet and to the
point. That's me.

Well, pleased to meet you. So is this
your first time using romantic

introductions? My first date was a real
Kafkaesque experience.

We went to a very expensive restaurant
where no one spoke English.

My date got up and went to the bathroom
and never came back. But I had cab fare,

just like I do now, in case anything
should happen. So are you nervous?

I used to be very nervous on blind
dates, but not anymore.

Not that I've been on a lot of them. You
know, just that I'm very good with

strangers.

Hi,

you must be Tony.

I'm Karen Welsh.

Tony?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting someone so... prompt.

Promptness is one of my attributes.

Thanks for noticing.

You rented all this furniture?

This must be costing the Department a
fortune.

Well, when you're set in a trap, you
need the right bait.

When I saw the tapes of those three
women, I couldn't tell you who was the

likeliest suspect.

As soon as Karen walked in the room, ow.

Well, you see a lot of tapes?

A fair amount, yeah.

Any that, um, stood out for you?

If you were in the market.

If I was in the market, yeah.

It's got to be Karen, right? I mean,
she's too beautiful to be genuinely

interested in your average guy.

Nice -looking, highly intelligent,
charming, insightful, witty average guy.

I agree.

Yeah, that's a general rule.

This is my contribution to the cause.

That's a brown beth, moose -bore musket.

The pistol's a heavy dragoon, flintlock.

Let's just say if Karen gets a hold of
these, I can never go home again.

Your dad's?

Where did he pick these up?

Oh, from his dad.

We got them from his dad and so on for
about 15 generations.

Your family fought in the Revolutionary
War?

We go back a ways.

Were they with, like, Ethan Allen,
Nathan Hale?

Sir Charles Cornwallis.

Oh, no.

Boy, I'm quite the catch, aren't I?

So,

um, Rachel's okay with this, huh?

She knows it's just a job.

That I'm only doing what I have to.

Nothing more.

You'll cook and hug dinner with my pots
and pans?

I gotta give her enough time to case the
place.

Why don't you two just go pick out some
furniture while you're at it? Rachel!

Really? I think you're carrying this a
little bit too far. That's all, Tony.

Really.

After 18 years, don't you trust me?

I trust you.

It's this whole situation that I have a
very big problem with.

I'm in control of this situation.

I'm not gonna lose it.

No case is worth jeopardizing what I
have with you.

That was a wonderful meal. Right down to
the homemade tiramisu.

I want your recipe for the spaghetti
carbonara.

No problem.

So...

How come an attractive woman like
yourself uses a dating service?

Thank you.

Precisely for that reason. Because of my
looks, I attract the most vain men.

They're nice to look at, but what do you
do when that wears off?

To be honest, Tony, I'm turned on by
successful, powerful men.

Men who take life on and win.

Men like you, Tony.

Just thought you should know that.

More coffee?

No, thanks.

Original Rockwell?

Childhood memories.

Couldn't resist.

Does it work?

It did during the Revolutionary War.

And I suppose George Washington drank
from this tea set.

Actually, it was one of his colonels.

Well, I guess going into the cheese
importing business was a wise choice.

It's been great.

Except for the travel. As a matter of
fact, I should give you the leftovers.

I'm on a plane to Copenhagen first thing
in the morning. Postpone it.

You know you're attracted to me, Tony.

There's no point denying it.

I wasn't going to.

Stay.

I'd love you to stay.

I... I understand.

Patience has never been a virtue of
mine, but I'll make an exception in your

case.

Excuse me. I represent the... No,
thanks.

Oh, come on.

I can get to work myself.

Look, I'm just trying to protect you
from the curse.

The curse?

Will you forget about the curse? I don't
care about the curse. Here's what I

think about the curse.

Oh, my God. I'm... I'm sorry.

Dan, I'm... I got carried away.

I'll replace it.

No, forget about it. No, no. I won a
hundred bucks at bingo last night.

You did?

Yeah. So, this ill wind didn't exactly
separate me from all my worldly

possessions, did it?

Where's my wallet?

It's gone.

My wallet's gone.

This is our third night.

She knows I'm only going to be in
Copenhagen three nights.

It's got to be her, right?

She asked about all the antiques, every
one of them.

She even got around to how much each
piece cost.

Where is she?

You know, it could still be her.

But for some reason, she decided not to
hit your place.

I don't think I ever thought about that.

You know, I don't blame Karen for
choosing Romantic Introduction.

They have the most successful clientele.

I mean, they're not going to take you if
they think you're...

Lizard. Unit 1, this is Unit 3. Go, Unit
3.

Possible suspect dressed in black,
wearing a hat, carrying a knapsack,

out of the stairwell now.

Copy, over.

Bingo.

This is Unit 1, stand by.

She shouldn't be too long in there.

Not if she remembered her shopping list.

And you're under arrest.

You lied on your application, Tony.

That's very unethical.

So you would read the bios of all of
Karen's potential dates.

And then I'd look at the tapes.

Uh -huh.

And Karen came to you with this scheme.

Yeah. I was working at Romantic
Introduction.

We had gone out a few times and...

She springs it on me.

Just like that?

I know how hard it is to believe.

I'm a rational, sensible human being. A
guy who never gets a speeding ticket.

All of a sudden, I'm... breaking into
people's apartments.

And I've been around beautiful women
before, but... Karen... She told me she

loved me.

You think I could cut a deal if I gave
all the money back?

You're going to get Beckerman his life
back?

Jeff Beckerman's dead.

What's the matter? You don't read the
papers?

Come on, Phil. You killed him during the
burglary.

I didn't.

I'm a thief. I admit that.

It was ridiculous.

We found this in Beckerman's hand.

We ran a match.

It's your hair.

It couldn't be.

I...

I went to Beckerman's house.

I got what was on the list and I left. I
never saw Beckerman. He was out with

Karen.

She couldn't have.

She wouldn't have sent me out.

My own wife wouldn't have set me up.

Tony, how was Copenhagen?

Well, I guess we're either going to play
cop and criminal or you're not in the

cheese business.

We booked Phil for robbery and murder
yesterday.

Phil who?

Phil Weldon.

Your husband.

My husband?

Why would you say something like that?

You're not married?

Of course not.

Phil said you set up this whole scheme,
and then you set him up. What scheme?

Four of the men you dated, including
Jeff Beckerman, were robbed, either on

night you were out with them or shortly
after.

Phil said the two of you were in it
together.

Then he said you set him up for killing
Beckerman.

Tony!

You want to know the extent of my
relationship with Phil Weldon?

He walked me to my car once.

That was enough for me.

I had a feeling the guy was a little
off, and...

I knew he was attracted to me, but,
well, this is more than I bargained for.

Tony, you know I had nothing to do with
this. Karen. But you are going to see me

through it.

I guess you're not.

Karen, you have to come down to
headquarters and make a statement.

I'm afraid you're not going to be able
to leave town until we sort this out.

Let me ask you something, Tony.

When you said you were attracted to me,
were you acting?

Because I wasn't when I said it to you.

Never lost a wallet in my life.

I heard what a pain it is.

And I'm going to be on the phone for the
rest of my life.

I still don't believe in the curse.

Hi. Hi.

Phil said he liked living in the
boonies. I spoke to the county clerk in

Catawoc.

They have no record of Phil and Karen's
marriage.

You saw my tape, right?

I knew you did.

I could tell.

How's that?

Oh, that look.

That look of, I'm working with a
desperate woman.

Oh, come on, Sid.

So, what'd you think?

I thought, I'm glad I'm not single.

So you wouldn't have to humiliate
yourself.

I just thought how tough it must be to
be a single adult nowadays.

Everybody comes with a life.

You want six kids, they want one.

You want a house, they want a condo.

I mean, it's like a diplomatic nightmare
before you even get around to holding

hands.

I'm going to redo my take.

Don't. It's you.

They don't want you, it's their loss.

Well... No women's clothing in either of
the closets, any of the drawers or the

hampers. No women's toiletries in the
bathroom.

Phil said his marriage license and
wedding album were in the top

right -hand drawer. All I can find is
his birth certificate and some insurance

papers.

Maybe he meant his other right.

This looks like an obsessed man to me.

Then maybe you kill her.

Honey, where are the aspirins?

On the second shelf.

Never mind, I got them.

What's the matter?

I got a headache.

Somehow I got that.

I mean, what's bothering you?

Well... We find Phil's hair in the
victim's hand.

The murder weapon in his house. No
evidence to substantiate his claim that

married to Karen Welsh. But we did find
pictures of her taken with a telephoto

lens in his bureau, indicating to me
that the guy's obsessed with her.

Well, that sounds like an open -and
-shut case.

Yeah.

Except for this one thing I can't stop
thinking about.

We didn't find a camera at Weldon's.

It means surveillance pictures of her.

And no equipment?

None?

Stop doing that.

What? You're twirling your ring around.

You always do that when you're deep in
thought.

Always?

Always.

I didn't realize that.

Are there other things?

Well, you smell the mayonnaise.

Well, that's not unusual.

You do it when you put the jaw back.

I do?

Huh.

What do you know about that?

It's just the little things that only a
spouse would notice.

So she took the marriage certificate out
of the house.

The county has no record.

She paid somebody off. I'm telling you,
we're married.

Phil, you want a camera?

Yeah. What kind?

One of those disposable kinds. I don't
like taking pictures that much.

Then what were you doing with these?

You found them in your house.

She planted the stuff.

She's playing me like a guitar, and now
I'm going to take the fall.

Phil, tell me something about Karen that
only your husband might know.

You mean like our sex life?

I was thinking more along the lines of
something you do that drives her crazy.

Husband and wife stuff.

I put him to get dinners back in the
fridge.

Keep going.

Karen has this strange sense of order.

If I'm drinking coffee from a cup,
she'll follow me around the saucers like

can't stand a cup without a saucer or a
sugar bowl without a top.

And she's always done that?

Ever since I met her.

I just wanted you to know the DA's
pressing murder charges against Phil.

And you've been completely exonerated.

Thank you.

I also wanted to apologize.

You know, the way the whole thing went
down.

Will you come in?

In an official capacity, if you'd like.

No, thank you. I really could use a cup
of coffee, though.

All I have is from this morning. That's
fine.

Okay.

Scary. One minute you're walking along
minding your own business, and out of

blue you get into someone's line of
fire.

All I can say, thank you. Thank you.

Very much.

It's my job.

I really like that painting.

Nice colors and beautiful brush strokes.

You have good taste.

Thanks.

know if I believe Phil's story. I mean,
even if Karen was in on it, she had a

great thing going.

Why'd she want to double -cross Phil?

Greed.

And she must have known this type of
scheme couldn't go undetected forever,

she gave us Phil as a sacrificial lamb.

All this because Karen didn't want a
coffee ring on her mantle, huh?

So, what are we looking for?

It's not so much what we're looking for,
it's looking at the crime scene with

new eyes.

It's no longer a burglary turned
homicide.

It's a premeditated murder.

So, what do we know about this guy

Beckerman?

He liked serious music.

Collector of turn -of -the -century art.
And antiques.

He liked the classics.

He's got all 24 episodes of I, Claudius.

24? They only made 13.

Harold, October 14th. Louise, September
12th.

It appears our Mr. Beckerman was an
amateur filmmaker.

Here's the camera angle.

Three speakers on one wall seems a
little excessive.

Let go!

You've been driving me nuts all week
with this Madame Celeste curse.

How come you said to jump?

You will protect it.

I put a locket with a four -leaf clover
in your utility belt.

Yeah, I know. I found it. I left it back
in the squad room.

Yeah, I know.

I saw.

Put it back in your belt.

Take a look.

I still don't believe in that stuff.

Don't step on that crack.

Gotcha.

See, voice waves are just like
fingerprints, but we need something to

to.

In other words, if you can get her voice
in person, and we can match it up, then

we'll have something.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard. I'll
just wear a wire.

Great.

There's just one thing, Tony.

What's that?

Well, in order to make our case, you
have to get exactly what she said on the

tape just before she shot Beckerman.

I love you?

Uh -huh.

Karen, hi.

Tony Scali. Oh, hi, Commissioner.

Tony. Tony.

How are you?

Great. I'm just calling because I owe
you something.

Yeah? What's that? My recipe for
spaghetti.

I can drop it off tonight.

I really wouldn't want you to go through
any trouble. Why don't you just drop it

in the mail?

Well... Look, uh... I

don't want an official relationship with
you.

I know the case is over, but, um... I
can't seem to get you out of my mind.

But you're married.

Yeah, well, there's married in and
there's married.

My marriage has become one of
convenience.

I'm sorry.

Hey, these things happen.

Well, how's tonight around eight?

Eight is perfect.

I'll see you then.

And I'm looking forward to it, too.

We have a marriage of convenience?

Karen Welsh killed Beckham, and that was
her.

We got a tape of her just before she
pulled the trigger.

But Mike Smalley over at the lab told us
we got to get her on a wire saying

exactly what she said to Beckham just
before she shot him. And you're a likely

candidate?

Afraid so.

What do you have to get her to say?

I love you.

I love you, too.

But what do you have to get her to say?

I didn't expect you to call.

Sure you did.

You know the effect you have on men.

You seemed immune.

I'm here, aren't I?

See how Phil didn't stand a chance?

To what shall we toast?

How about genius?

Genius it is. Whose?

Yours.

Putting Phil's hair in Beckerman's hand,
that was genius.

Taking pictures of yourself and planting
them in Phil's drawer, that was genius.

Don't bother trying to deny it.

I've known the truth for days.

You're a very good actor, Tony.

Why should I believe you?

Because I'm the only one who can protect
you.

Karen, I don't care about the truth.

I want Phil stuck in prison for the next
50 years, and I can guarantee that's

where he stays.

And in return for that protection?

I want us to be together.

I don't know how many men have said that
to you.

I can offer you what none of them could.

You understand that, don't you?

He gave me quite

a start.

Just returning the favor.

The life I'm leaving behind.

Nothing compared to the life we could
have together.

Nothing.

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

What?

This must be out of my mind. What are
you talking about?

I'm going to give up a wife and two
children and a career. And look what

happened to Phil.

Oh, come on, Tony, you're not Phil. And
Phil wasn't Beckerman, and Beckerman

wasn't Phillips, and so on. Tony, I...
No.

You told Phil you loved him.

I didn't mean it.

I'm supposed to give up everything and
never even be sure that... What?

What?

You were lying then.

Are you lying now?

Of course not.

No. You've said those words so many
times to get what you want.

How can I ever know? There are ways of
telling somebody you love them, and

are ways.

I love you.

What?

That red line's off the tape you got at
Beckerman's.

Here's the one from your wire.

This is the DA.

We'll have Karen Welsh in custody
tonight.

Great.

What happened?

We busted her. She's in jail.

Good is right.

So, now it's all over.

It's done. That's it.

Did you kiss her?

No. No, no, you're right.

It's over.

I'm sorry I got so nuts about it.

I mean, I should have just, you know,
rolled with it a little better.

Maybe had a sense of humor about it.

I mean, I trust you more than anything.

I'm glad, hon.

The lip's very tender.

What happened to your sense of humor?

Don't hit me anymore.

Rachel!