Original subtitles

You don't know what you're doing.

You don't know who I am. This is an international incident.

You're a Cuban jaja, Gabor. Hey, hey, hey. What's this all about, Rose?

Sir, in the process of serving a parking citation to Mr. Guzman's vehicle, Mr.

Guzman impeded my official duty and tore said citation with deliberate contempt.

I am Piero Guzman, a special Cuba envoy to the United Nations.

Under the treaty of the United Nations, I have diplomatic...

Immunity. It's true, Mike.

I shouldn't give him the right to strike me.

You struck a peace officer?

Struck? Of course not.

I hit him.

Like this.

Yeah, just like that.

Now, if there is nothing further, I demand you to release me under the

the United Nations, which the United States is a signatory.

I'm sorry.

You see, you've been misinformed.

You're no longer in the United States.

You see, you're in a very special place, a country that is not a part of the UN,

a domain where the good are rewarded.

And the meatheads spend time in the cooler no matter who they are.

You never heard of this place?

Oh, please.

Enlighten me.

Where am I?

You're in pony land.

Book him.

Book him.

Uh -huh. Tell me about it.

Okay. Hey, listen up.

Next week, a representative of the hot cops calendar will arrive in Eastbridge

to audition any interested parties. Hot cops? You mean like that beefcake town?

You're not interested, are you, Ricky?

No. Of course not.

Anyone who's interested can leave their names in my office.

Don't all line up at once.

Oh, beautiful.

Bitch.

Dingo. Dingus.

Dingy. Tiny car.

N -G -Y.

You don't know nothing.

Oh, that's real mature.

Break something. Why don't you make a bigger mess? There is no such word as

with an I. Let me see it.

Oh, you don't believe me?

No, let me see it. Let me see it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, Mr. and Mrs. Michelle. Please, please, your

neighbors are complaining here.

You ought to know better than to drink and play board games.

Is ding guy a word?

Can you use it in a sentence?

No. She can't. I went to the store and I bought a ding guy.

Okay? Ma 'am, what a cheater.

There's one to their neutral corner.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Mr. Costello, the last thing you need is more liquor. Get away. I ain't after

booze. Hey, Jack, are you looking for this?

Are you going to be all right?

She went into the kitchen? Is that what you said?

She went into the kitchen. She went into the kitchen. Okay, and then what? I was

standing by the porch. All right.

Stan,

do you know where you are?

Can I change my uniform, sir?

It's all right, Stan.

Just get your legs back first.

She wasn't aiming at me. See, I was there.

And the hunch was there.

He killed her. He didn't have to kill her!

He wasn't aiming at me!

She'd never do anything to hurt me.

He's the one that deserves to die!

I, um... I emptied my clip like I was trained to, right?

I mean, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?

You tell us.

She's going to shoot again, I think. You think?

She shot at her husband, didn't she?

Hey, don't look at us. We weren't there. You were.

Why are you saying this? I mean, come on. Don't play these games with me. Are

you telling me she didn't shoot?

Easy, easy.

We're not saying one thing or the other.

The husband said you didn't have to kill her.

Yeah, well, he's, you know, just standing up for her.

He's her husband, right?

What? He was her husband.

Well, I don't see anyone standing up for me. Come on, boss. What's the deal

here? Tell us what the hell went down, Stan.

Pauly.

He thinks he's being accused.

He's scared. Don't go soft on him. That's not what he needs.

Right now, what he needs is to get tough.

He needs somebody to say, hey, you screwed up.

So he can say to himself, no, I was right.

I know what he needs to get through this.

Go on, go home.

Really.

Right about here.

She shot, and the bullet went into the wall.

The wall?

Sir, it was so fast.

Like, the whole thing was like all one move, you know?

All I know is it didn't hit him.

Just go on, Stan.

I drew my weapon and fired.

never so loud.

And the last thing I remember is being

surprised that you shouldn't have fallen down right away. Like on TV.

You believe me, don't you?

Stan, this isn't so I can find some clue to nail you or some inconsistency

to catch you in a lie.

This is a police investigation.

I just need you to tell me what happened.

Well, that's it. I... Was I wrong?

It isn't that simple, Stan.

There's going to be a hearing.

And we're keeping your weapon until after the decision.

I understand.

Death duty, right?

Right.

It's going to be a long night for you.

You want to stay with me and Rachel?

I'll be okay.

I feel a lot better after talking about it.

You sure?

Yeah. You look better.

Finn.

Can I have my pen back?

I'm going to take you off duty until further notice.

There's a Mr. Edward Eggleton calling from the State Department.

Eddie Egghead, sure. We went to college together. The man is raving. He's

kinetic.

No, no. The Egghead and I always play jokes on each other. He's just playing a

gag.

Oh, okay.

We'll gag online, too.

Egghead! Tony Land.

Yeah, I got that Guzman good, huh?

Tony Land.

That'll teach him to hit an American peace officer.

Tony Land?

Is that all you're gonna say?

No. I'll say this, too.

What are you, nuts?

If this is one of your moronic practical jokes, you release

him immediately.

He has immunity.

This is no joke.

I'm giving Guzman an experience.

You want an experience?

Fly down to the U .S. Naval Bay, Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. Live with our

without electricity and water, because that's what the Cubans are threatening

do unless the U .S. government releases their political prisoner.

Okay, Egghead, he's out. Don't call me Egghead! I always hated that!

I'm never inviting him to Tony Land.

The cop is history.

He shot an unarmed woman.

Unarmed? She fired a .38.

Come on. Don't play that game with me.

I mean, I know as well as you know that there was no other bullet in that gun.

Janice only let me keep one load in the chamber.

I mean, it was there to make a noise.

Scare off a burglar or something.

Never to put a hole in my head.

There was no way Officer Kelly could have known there was only one bullet.

Janice knew.

That's why she was lowering the gun when he killed her. Her arm was coming down?

Are you sure of that?

You've been drinking.

You've been arguing with your wife. Out of nowhere, a shot was fired.

It's a pretty confusing situation.

I'm trained to stay cool.

I was a Navy SEAL.

Dishonorable discharge.

I know what's going on. I've seen it before in the service.

Brass sees it one way, and that's the only way it's ever going to be.

What you're basically telling me here is which side this review board is coming

down on. Your side.

I'm on my own.

I'm an army of one.

Mr. Costello.

The board will make its determination on just the facts.

Well, that may be true, Commissioner, if, say, he shot some drug dealer or

hitman.

But don't you think the public will be concerned over a cop pumping six rounds

into a teacher's assistant?

Okay, sir.

I think we got all we need.

Like I said, a couple other gyms have been broken into, so we're on the

Here you go. You can check this out.

Hey, Rick.

Hi, guys.

I didn't know you belonged to a gym.

I joined, actually.

Oh, he's just joined.

Huh? You didn't just join so that you could look good for that, uh, beefcake

calendar, did you?

Okay, okay, okay. So what? So what? I know this guy, all right?

Fireman. He did the fireman's calendar.

He said he had girls calling him left and right.

Really? He was putting out fires all over town.

Well, so how you doing? Are you buff yet? Come on. Come on.

For me, this is an hotel with a bay of pigs.

Come on, you're just miserable because without the Soviets, you guys are on

own.

I will always hit you.

Give my best to Fidel.

Stanley, the hearing's tomorrow. You have to be ready.

Stanley, I know what you're going through.

No, you don't.

You told me before you never killed anyone.

I've shot someone and it made me sick to my... You don't know what it's like.

No way.

So don't act like you do.

And I don't need any of you little pricks to help me feel better either.

Someone told me that her gun had only that one bullet.

Who? Who told you? It's true.

Yes, but how could you have known?

You know that saying... Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy's Law, so?

I think of all the times that that was true, you know?

You're in a high -speed chase and a tire blows.

You meet a girl and you got a booger in your nose.

And I see this as, like, the one time that everything went right.

I was following procedure.

So why didn't fate step in this time?

You know, and jam her gun, or jam my gun, or make her

pass out, anything.

If only something had gone wrong, she'd still be alive.

Or you could be dead, Stanley.

If you're going to look at it that way, you could be dead.

I know this isn't supposed to be a competition as to whose life is more

worthwhile, but I'm relieved that it all went right.

Otherwise, I'd be alone in this apartment, agonizing over why a fine

had to die over a stupid, drunken board game.

Yeah, well, that may help you, but it doesn't help me.

No offense, sir, but I'd really like to be alone right now.

I got this video so you can just relax, and it's going to take you far, far away

from all your trouble.

It's Arnie in China.

I just got it in the mail today, and I haven't even seen it myself.

Hi, Rach.

I'm really in a pickle this time.

Gloria and I, we were traveling in mainland China, and I was wearing that

Silver's T -shirt, my favorite, you know, the one with the... face is really

you know anyway we were just we were just touring the great wall and these

soldiers these fascists really they grabbed me rough roughly you know they

took my shirt anyway um as far as i can figure out they think that my t -shirt

of phil silvers is really a t -shirt of the dalai lama who's a non -person here

and that's a very severe charge you see and gloria she's trying to explain it to

them and i managed to smuggle in the video camera to record my ordeal

Give me the water torture.

If I get off easy.

Listen, Tony, Rachel, call the State Department. Call Amnesty International,

but please don't let me rot in here.

Okay?

I hope all is well.

Tony, you have to call Eddie Eggleton.

That's when Janice returned from the kitchen.

When she reappeared.

And forgive me if I'm a bit unclear, because I was under the influence.

Janice had our .38, which we kept for security.

She fired.

I believe she hit the hutch.

And that's when Officer Kelly shot her six times and killed her.

And I want to go on record that I've spent some time thinking about it, you

know? Soul searching.

And although I would give my own life... Dab her back.

I now believe Officer Kelly reacted with justifiable force.

If this were boxing, I'd say he just took a dive.

Or maybe somehow Stan got to him.

Thank you for coming.

You're free to go now.

Kelly.

Mr. Costello, I was going to look for you, but I guess I didn't know what I'd

say when I found you, except...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that it happened.

Do you know what it was like seeing her dead?

Lying on the floor of her own house.

I'm not what you call a real spiritual guy.

But something is missing from her.

Whatever it is.

What you call a life or a soul.

Gone.

You took that from her.

Someday, I'm going to see you lying there, Dad.

That's what I live for, to see you lying there dead.

Are you threatening me?

Let's just say I'm thinking out loud.

Wait a minute.

Costello, you gotta listen to me. What I'm thinking... If it's those cops,

never gonna punish you. Sure, the press would have raised hell to the next big

stink. And then Janice would be forgotten.

You'd get away clean.

So I figure if you want a job done right, you've got to do it yourself.

Stan, it's just a target, a piece of paper.

Shooting a target doesn't prove anything.

It doesn't scream when you hit it. It doesn't bleed from its wounds. The point

of this isn't to see if you can kill again.

It's to see if you are capable of defending yourself, as you did.

Unless you can bring yourself to use that weapon, I can't assign you back on

street. When cops hesitate for the wrong reason, that's when they get killed.

And I won't send you out to die.

I'm sorry, sir.

Maybe a guy like Paulie can get right back up again.

But I can't.

I don't know if I ever can.

Stan.

Do you find it unusual that Mr. Costello changed the story and cleared you?

Must have had his reasons.

Did you talk to him before or after the hearing?

No. Can I go back to work now?

Okay, Stan.

But you're off patrol indefinitely.

Put him on.

Hello, sir.

Eddie, hi.

Tony Scali.

You're impersonating the Secretary of State?

Well, you wouldn't return my phone calls, and I need a really big favor.

My wife's brother sent us a tape, a videotape.

He's been interned in a Chinese re -education camp.

Sounds like a job for Tony Land's ambassador to China.

This isn't funny, Eddie.

Finally! You see the light. It isn't funny.

Just like every little trick you ever pulled in college. And if you think I'm

falling for this one, then you belong in a re -education camp. So you can take

your imprisoned brother -in -law...

were not the words of a diplomat.

Eastbridge PD information officer Kelly. How may I help you?

What time are you open, Jill?

We're always open, ma 'am. We never close.

Thank you. You're welcome.

of an eye, foot, hand, or several pints of blood.

I don't care if they catch me.

I want to get you first.

Help me. I can't move my arms.

What are you two doing?

How'd this car get banged up?

Oh, I can't wait.

I was making a right, and I couldn't turn the wheel, and... The steering went

out?

My arms did.

You what?

Sir, we've been lifting weights lately, and, yeah, toning up.

And I guess we overdid it.

Why may I ask the sudden interest in lifting...

Oh, no.

This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain... Beefcake calendar.

Is that thing this week?

As a matter of fact, no.

Because there will be no calendar.

No beefcake, no cheesecake, no cake.

Period. I can only imagine what you two would strain if you actually made the

calendar. I'm sorry.

from the hot cops is going to be here.

Make him wait at least ten minutes.

My officers are out there destroying city property so they can develop their

pecs for some guy who's making a buck off of some cheesy calendar.

I'm going to tell him he can go crawl back under the slimy rock he slithered

from.

The hot cops rep is here.

I told you to keep that weasel sitting there ten minutes.

She's already been here 15.

Miss Thomas?

Hi.

Tony Scali. Welcome to Eastbridge.

Hi, Elaine Thomas, E. Thomas Publications. Pleasure to meet you.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Oh, I couldn't help overhearing your thoughts about our calendar.

Oh, you caught that, huh?

I'm sorry you were led to believe that hot cops is a cheesy titillation.

Did I say that? My father was a police captain for 20 years, and I know

firsthand how cops are taken for granted.

Our calendar seeks to present the positive image of the officers.

Really? Yes.

And from everything I've heard about you, Commissioner, I think you'd make a

wonderful Officer April.

Really?

I won't get in your way. I'll only be here one day.

And, by the way, the proceeds go to the Policeman's Retirement Fund.

Well, like I said, Ms. Thomas, I never had a problem with it. You have my

complete cooperation.

Thanks. Now, if you'll just show me that rock, I'll go crawl back underneath.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm the one who should be crawling.

Officer April, huh?

Which is good, because your finger is on the volume button, and that's the only

thing keeping you from being blown into little pieces.

Unfortunately, that button also activates the timer.

Well, you're a busy man, and I won't be taking any more of your time.

Oh, one more thing.

I've cut your phone lines.

Have a nice day.

So Stan, did you look at the new receptionist in the DA's office?

What? Did you?

Is it over?

It's a done deal.

Okay, let's buy this bucket.

Could you leave us alone, please?

Tell us, can you give us a moment, please?

Oh, yes, sir. We're done.

All right, then.

What's going on?

Costello's threatened you before, hasn't he? I never thought he'd go this far.

I thought he was just messing with me.

You know, kind of letting off steam by talking big.

Why didn't you at least tell me? It was my problem.

If it hadn't been for me...

Costello wouldn't be doing this in the first place. I didn't want to bring my

problem down on the department any more than I already had.

All right.

Okay, you know what, Stan?

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.

I don't know. I just felt like he had the right to try to even the score a

And it's not like I did nothing. I tried to find the guy.

I checked out his house. He moved. I went to where he worked. He quit.

Went to friends, hangouts, nothing. I can't find him anywhere.

But I know he's there.

Any of those places you went to find him alone is where he could have nailed

you. Where was your head? It's not like you. Hey, back off.

My whole life hasn't been like me lately.

Don't you raise your voice to me.

I'm speaking to you as commissioner to officer.

You turned your back on teamwork.

The basic starting point of being a cop.

Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do, huh?

I knew all you'd do is get me a babysitter.

The last thing any cop wants is to babysit another cop.

The last thing any cop wants is to die.

We'll flush this guy out.

We'll get this guy.

The way that we should.

As a team.

All right, try to get some rest.

Oh, and by the way...

Here's your babysitter.

You two have fun.

Stan?

What time is it?

Ten past.

the greatest husband in the universe.

Is this the setup?

No way, Dad. You have diplomatic talent. I mean, maybe someday you're going to

be an ambassador.

Arnie thinks that he did it himself, but I know that you were behind the whole

thing. Rachel, what's going on? You have freed Arnie Metzger.

David, put the tape on.

Sit down, honey.

Well, I guess you can ignore the last tape.

You know, Gloria turned out to be quite a Henry Kissinger.

No, no, really, really. Her diplomatic prowess convinced the Chinese

that my shirt wasn't a statement of protest. It was merely an homage to Phil

Silvers, you know, even though they had no idea who Sergeant Bilko was.

Arnie's being modest.

He convinced them by performing an entire scene from a Sergeant Bilko where

played every character. Actually, it was pretty great, wasn't it? Yeah, I mean,

they were laughing away, even though they couldn't understand the jokes,

shows just how well Bilko translates.

Well, uh, so...

We're off.

I know it isn't easy to pull strings in the State Department with Eddie

Eggleton.

No, no, it isn't.

I hope you don't mind, but I sent Eddie a thank you present, and I signed your

name to it.

What?

What did you send him?

I pulled a few strings of my own, and I got him a big box of Cuban cigars.

Okay, we've got to work as a team.

An attempt has been made on a fellow officer's life.

Now, the explosive was a mixture of granular ammonium nitrate and TNT. It's

called amytol.

Rose Johnson, I want you to check the places where these can be purchased.

You each have a picture of the suspect.

Eastbridge PD, information, how may I help you?

We have to assume that he's watching Stan, waiting for an opportunity.

Let's not give him one.

He used to be in the Navy.

I didn't get a chance to check it out, but those ties hold.

Good point.

Thanks, Stan.

By the way, everyone see the rotation list for sticking with Stan?

Yeah. Okay, let's get to work.

I heard you in there passing out assignments and... I've looked around

Costello. The guys, they're not going to find him.

Let's wait and see.

No, I can't wait around anymore.

Not since he really tried to kill me. I'm the one he's after.

Let's use that. Why not use me as bait?

No. I want to be a part of my own defense. You can't even bring yourself

a gun.

In your state of mind...

You're not capable of your own defense.

But that's what I want.

That's what Costello wants, for us to make a stupid move.

What Costello wants is to see me dead. That's right.

What did Costello say to you again?

He said he wants to see me lying there dead, just like his wife.

He said he's living to see me dead.

Okay.

On second thought, why don't we give him what he wants?

Hey, what was that was that a shot?

Did I miss everyone?

I'm sorry, sir. It is past visitor's hours.

I'm an old friend of Officer Kelly's.

If I had known you were really suffering, I might have laid off.

I'm a little ticked that you beat me to it, Kelly.

Guess I'll just have to pretend I killed you.

Well, I hope you got a good imagination.

Now that's what you call a booby trap.

Welcome back.

I heard you did good down at the firing range.

Just because I can shoot doesn't mean I want to.

Hey, now I know you're okay.

What's the matter?

It doesn't make me feel any better.

I thought it would, but it doesn't.

Casella's not after me anymore, and I'm great, but the most significant thing

I've done as a cop is take a life.

Eastbridge PD, information.

May I help you?

So I'm looking through GQ for some hints, you know. And a lot of the guys

like this.

Check it out.

No, it's good. I'm thinking about doing something like more of a Sean Penn out

of colors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, straighten up, bro.

What are you guys lined up for?

Lottery tickets?

No, you know.

Don't forget to say cheesecake.

East Bridge PD information. How may I help you? How do I contest a parking

ticket?

County Courthouse, ground floor, ma 'am.

pd information how i need help i need help my brother's choking he can't

he's choking what's he choking on a balloon we were just goofing around he

breathe he's turning blue i don't know what to do um how old is he um nine

okay uh lay him on the floor on the ground on his back

Okay, now take the heel of your hand. You know what that is?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, place it underneath his ribs, just above his belly button.

Okay. Now push.

Push!

I did! He's all blue!

Okay, push again. Push again!

Okay, now reach in his mouth and pull it out.

Okay, okay, I got it. I got it.

Is he breathing?

Yeah, yeah, he's breathing. Good, great.

Where do you live?

Dispatch a paramedic to 197 Glider right away, please.

We're sending a doctor right over to your house.

He's breathing.

Good. You just sit tight.

Take it easy, Jason.

The guy says the doctor's coming. Man, you scared the crap out of me.

I'd call that significant.

Wouldn't you?

Yo, yo.

Hot cups.

All right.

Let's go. Go, go, go. Let's have a look.

Loser. What a wimp.

Dark.

Charisma.

Oh, my God.

That Miss Thomas came into my office, snapped a couple of photos. I didn't

know she did it.

Although that is my good side.

Beautiful.