Original subtitles

What time is it?

7 .30am. Have you got a bar here?

No, sir.

You could get a pub out at this time of the morning, couldn't you, eh?

Sir Larry. Ah, welcome. Come in, gentlemen.

Everyone's been dying to meet you. Oh, I always say that.

Thank you.

Lovely, aren't they?

They're a pair, you know.

Now then, don't tell me. You're the off -license explosion.

Seems awfully unsafe, the off -license trade these days still.

One man's meat is another man's poison.

Life goes on, or rather it doesn't, thank God. Leg!

Anyone?

The hotel death lounge.

Well, now, he's over here, mostly. Yes, they're awfully good fun, aren't they?

Would you care to examine the body?

Is it a girl?

Well, now, it's funny you should say that.

It's fatty.

Where did you get to? We were in the middle of a game of cards. Yeah, we got

tired of waiting, so we looked at yours and you lost.

You owe us 50 quid and your car key. Wake up!

Wake up!

You owe us money!

Yeah. Wake up! I'm afraid he's dead.

Ah.

Well, who's got his money, then? Yeah, did you find his credit cards? He

promised his to us. Well, we won them in a card game, actually.

So where are they?

Well, that's a strange feature, because when he came in, he was wearing nothing

but this.

That's our property! Yeah, we rented it to him! Gentlemen, please!

Show some respect. Tell him that he owes us 100 quid. Are you sure you haven't

got a bar in this place? Yes, sir.

What is that alcohol smell, then?

Embalming fluid.

Balmy fluid.

Right. I'll have some of that, then.

Gentlemen,

please, do you know who this body is?

Yes, it's Fatty. And who is Fatty? He is Fatty.

I don't know who he is. All we know is his name is Fatty and he was a client.

A client? Yeah.

I think he should be grateful.

We showed him a bloody good job. Yes, we did, and he didn't even bloody pay.

What do you mean, didn't even bloody even pay?

Excuse me!

Looking for a good time?

So are we.

Dreamy Time Escorts.

That's us, matey! Let's go back!

You obviously don't understand.

Every off -licence round here is supplied through Mr Lovebucket. But this

point. It makes for absolute financial suicide.

All the other wholesalers supply at a third of the cost for bulk purchase,

or return.

Do you understand? A third of the cost. Go and tell that to your Mr Lovebucket.

You have to buy your drink through Mr Lovebucket, otherwise you'll go bust.

can I go bust? It's sound economic sense.

Well, your shop might burn down.

Yeah.

Paws do break.

Put it down, will you? Look, this is the fifth time you've been round here and

I've told you every time that I don't want to buy anything from your Mr Love

Juice.

But to show you there's no hard feelings, I'm prepared to order one

tonic water.

Tonic water, is it?

Yes, tonic water.

Tonic water, he says.

Oh, really?

Tonic water? Did you say tonic water? Yes!

Tonic water.

He said tonic water.

You say tonic water, do you? Yes.

Tonic water is what I say. If it's tonic water you want, it's tonic water you'll

get. Come on.

God bless Jaime Henderson. Living above an off -licence, what could be better?

Living in one?

You're right.

We must become a lot more friendly with Jaime Henderson.

Why don't we go here, then?

Cheese sandwich and half an apple. Good Lord, you'd think he'd have a drink with

his lunch. Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Morning,

Mr Jolly.

Morning.

That's Fatty's money out of the window.

And Fatty?

Well, it's his own fault.

You shouldn't play Let's See Who Can Fall Out of the Window the best when

drunk. Not on the 18th floor, no. No.

started yesterday.

I should be finished by now.

Well, let's have a look at that then.

Okay.

A bit

flat.

Wait just one moment.

That's very good.

I'll have another.

Quick!

Brilliant.

Get some shit!

It's incredibly sparkling tonic water.

Well, we're all out for tonic water, then, aren't we? We're having a bloody

tonic water party!

Open the bloody window. Pardon?

Open the bloody window.

Open the bloody window.

Fingers. Fingers.

Fingers.

What was that for?

That's for the bloody tonic water.

I thought you'd drop me in a bucket for the tonic. Don't be clever all the time.

Now come away from the window.

Business is a bit slack.

There.

Hang on.

Oh, good morning, sir. How's the fluffy toy business?

Who the bloody hell are you? What fluffy? Oh, oh, brilliant.

Now, are you sure nobody knows where you are? Yeah, but they're still there.

Yes, of course they are. Shut up!

Are you sure absolutely nobody knows where you are?

Nine. Right.

Did you hear that?

Yes!

Well, the bell's working, then.

I see old Johnny has got off to an early start.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

It's not unusual...

No, no, I'm using... All I'm saying is the one advertisement in the Times

saying, what are you doing this weekend? Fancy getting drunk?

Won't work.

You've got to put the telephone number.

But we know the telephone number.

Escorts, mascots, come in if you're saucy.

Can I borrow some fairy liquid?

What? Again? Shut up. Of course you can, Ralphie.

You're right, Ralphie. if you cut yourself shaving.

I'll bring it back.

He gets through a lot of fairy liquid, doesn't he?

Maybe his larder's flat. Why must you always be so rude to Mr. Jolly?

You are jeopardising our relationship with him.

I'm what? I said you're jeopardising our relationship with Mr. Jolly.

I'm stuck squeaking.

It's an engagement for this morning, ten o 'clock. A Mr.

Yakimoto.

Oh, God!

Another French bastard!

Yes! He's at the Holiday Inn for a conference and wants two young,

live escorts for a really good time.

Should be a doddle.

It's yucky, my poor fella.

It's hundred and twelve.

This way.

Okie dokie.

Dreamy time escorts. No job too big, door to door. We are on the phone.

Dreamy time escorts, monsieur.

Do you want to go to the toilet now?

Do you mind if I use your telephone?

Come on, let's make it messy.

room service. Come on, let's dance. Room service, get me eight gins. No, I'd

better make that sixteen large ones. Who does gins? Hang on, I'll find out.

What's the room number?

Nibushi Shanghai.

Nibushi Shanghai.

Okay.

Bloody room service. You can never get a drink when you want.

Bastards.

Oh, shut up.

You want a drink?

Drinky?

Drinky. Cha, cha, yum cha.

What a remarkably wise choice, sir. That'll be £4 .80.

Well, that's very kind of you. I'll have one myself, yeah.

£9 .60. You got a wallet, have you?

Very kind. We'll call it £20. Thank you very much.

Famous number 10 Downing Street.

And look, there goes Winston Churchill on his way to buy some cigars.

And they're open.

Now, this is what we call an old English pub.

And, oh, look, here comes Dick Turfy.

Good morning, I'm sick of it.

Right, I'll have a large gin.

It's thirsty work, this highway. Come along.

Cheers. And another Old English pub.

Another Old English pub.

That's right, mate.

Bottoms up.

Cheers. Cheers.

Yeah, this is another traditional Old English pub, which is very close to

closing time, if you don't mind. Right.

I've told you four times already. We're closed.

You two out now.

We're regulars, you know.

Hey, Monica!

Get home, all right, the other morning?

What are you talking about?

What do you want? Well, I think we'll indulge in two massive gins, please,

Monica. Nothing for the French, either.

Sorry, mate, you have to be a member.

Well, I think we're going to have a very nice time here.

out, stupid.

Yeah, drink on the out, stupid.

Right, so just let me have that one, then.

Have you got the money this time?

Of course, Monica. Wallet, monsieur?

I wonder if we could organise some sort of drink -now -pay -later scheme,

Monica. Come on.

Out. Out. Out.

What's Mr Jolly got that we haven't got?

Ah, bloody fairy liquid!

What does it say?

It says... It's upside down.

That's bloody useless then, isn't it?

Dear Mr. Jolly, here's 3 ,000 quid.

Take out Nicholas Parsons tonight.

BBC TV set to 6 o 'clock.

Mr. Jolly's going to be pretty annoyed when we give him the note and...

8 quid.

Nicholas Parsons?

Why doesn't Mr. Jolly get all the best jobs?

What are we going to say to Mr.

Jolly? Nicholas Parsons!

Yeah, we're going to say, Nicholas Parsons!

It's not going to get us very far, is it? We've drunk all his money! What are

going to do?

Don't tell him.

What about Nicholas?

He's expecting someone to take him out.

He's probably...

After a long day in the studio, waiting somewhere fruitlessly.

We'd like to spend an evening with Nicholas Parsons because we respect him.

we feel sure that he would respect us as loyal and devoted fans.

To think they chose our entry out of the thousands and thousands of others.

Imagine, an evening for two in London with Nicholas Parsons.

But I think it was only 14 years ago we were presented to Mr. Roy Carson,

weren't we?

And it was 86 miles to the gallon?

No, they said we had to meet Nicholas outside BBC TV Centre at 6 o 'clock.

Mind you, that's the beauty of a two -stroke engine.

You both have to stay on time, I know.

My little two -spur.

Which way to the BBC, you old git?

That way, Gov, and turn left. Right, thank you. And have a nice day!

a good time, so are we. We've got the cash.

No, no, no, it's all right. The BBC are paying.

It is, isn't it?

It's Nicholas Parsons.

It's Nicholas bloody Parsons.

Look, everybody, it's Nicholas bloody Parsons.

We're going to take out Nicholas Parsons. Congratulations,

My car's over there.

Now, Nicholas, you get in here. That's right. You drink, we drive.

Right,

where do you want to go?

Matt Kenny's all -night drinker. Patsy, a mouth, kebab and off -lighting. Or

straight to the peep show. Well, actually, I have reserved a table for

the Dorchester.

The Dorchester?

Yes, the Dorchester.

The Dorchester with Nicholas bloody Palsy! Brilliant!

Let's go!

And she said, well, I don't... I don't think you're a fishmonger. I think

done a flop in the wrong lavatory.

Oh,

dear.

So, Nicholas, I hear they're making Sailor the Century into a film.

Hey, Nicholas, look. I can light my... What

exactly was your winning slogan?

Never, ever, bloody anything, ever.

And that was your winning slogan?

That's the one, Nicky.

I've lived my life by that rule. Hey, Nicholas.

I wonder if I can light my burps.

I would like to spend an evening with Nicholas Parsons because never, ever,

bloody anything ever.

You're pissed, aren't you, Nicholas?

Hey, Nicholas.

I'm a fire extinguisher.

So, Nicholas.

Whereas you spend most of your time opening supermarkets and heliports these

days. Well, yes, you know how it is.

As a matter of fact, tomorrow I am opening an off -license.

You're opening an off -license? Yes, an off -license.

God!

Imagine being so important you can open an off -license. And we're with him

right now, aren't we, Nicky, baby?

Come on!

Let's go and have a tattoo!

Yes! One that says, I've been, aren't we? Nicholas Parsons! And you can have

that says it's true!

I was the bloke that took them out! Yeah, we can worry about the spelling

And then we'll go back to your place and drink all your stuff!

Come on!

What?

Yes?

Let's have some fun.

What kind of fun? Let's play a game. Not Fatty's game!

No, no, no, that's all right. It's not Fatty's game. You're all right with us,

Nicholas.

What is this game?

Well, these are the rules.

Yes?

I go out of the room.

Yes? And then... Yes?

I come back in.

Yes? You got that?

Yes. Right.

I'll go first.

But you're my agent. You've got to do something.

Well, they're the strangest Mr and Mrs Cooper I've ever met.

Are you sure they're not Terry Scott's winners?

Hey, Nicholas!

Some of these bullets are the facts, sir! I can't call the police.

If they call me here with these, too, it'd ruin my reputation.

I'm a family entertainer, remember?

You've no idea what... Oh, my God, it's getting worse.

You want to watch those stairs, Nicholas? Well, you've got to do

They're breaking the place up.

Nicholas! Yes? This bottle... is empty.

Have you got one that's exactly the same but unopened? I haven't got any more

bottles.

Right. Good night.

Good night?

Oh, good night!

I can't eat this.

Is it too cold, Mr. Lovebucket? I'm sure it's very tasty, but I'm just in a bad

mood.

Everyone for coffee?

Oh, yes, please, Mr. Lovebucket. Right.

Now then, Reg, Norman, Ron, Hillary, as you know, last week someone wrote on the

back window of my car, Mr.

Lovebucket is a wanker.

Now, I don't understand this because I'm married.

So not only is it very wrong, it's also very unkind.

So I think whoever did this has to be made to regret it.

Now, thanks to my contacts in the Metropolitan Police, I was able to get

forensic analysis of the fingerprints involved.

So I know who you are, and you know who you are.

So why don't you step forward, Reg?

I'm sorry, Mr.

Lovebucket.

I know you are.

Nobody lays a finger on my car.

You're leaving the house, Mr. Lovebucket.

I can find you on it!

That's it!

That's it! We surrender!

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Which one of you is Mr Jolly?

Eh?

Yesterday I paid you 3 ,000 pounds.

Er, I am Mr... Or rather, he is Mr Jolly. Mr Jolly, there's someone to see

I'm just Mr Jolly's assistant.

Could I have a name, please?

Quiet, you. It's a bit too quiet for you to see, Mr Jolly. It's Hungarian, I

think. I'll just go away.

Where's the body?

Under the head?

No, I mean Nicholas Parsons' body.

Under Nicholas Parsons' head?

Under the Parsons' nose, as it were.

Look, where is Nicholas Parsons' head, Nicholas Parsons' body and Nicholas

Parsons' nose?

Probably in bed.

We had a bit of a rough night last night.

Look, did you or did you not take out Nicholas Parsons?

Yes. You did?

Yeah, we took him to the doorchester.

I know, but did you take him out? Yeah, look, I've got the tattoo to prove it.

No, no, I meant take him right out. Take him right out? What, dorking?

No, no, I meant kill him.

Kill him!

If you don't kill Nicholas Parsons by 12 o 'clock,

I'll kill you.

Make it tidy.

Or if you can't do that, make it messy.

Yeah, and if you can't make it messy,

Make it noisy.

And if you can't make it noisy, make it stupid.

Stupid. Any questions?

I don't think so.

How about you?

No. Right then.

Do it!

and timing it. Well, we'll call it five seconds. Okay, it was five seconds. And

how long's the fuse on these things? About ten seconds. Right.

I'll count to five and you stick these through the letterbox.

It's a scotcha!

Nicky, wicky, wicky, wicky.

Sherry.

Darling, I've got to go.

Just stay upstairs until I get back.

Don't let him go.

Barton's off in a chopper.

Barton, please, forget him.

It's the trolley, brothers.

Faster!

Faster!

Faster!

Well, they did a turn up for the book, didn't they? Yeah.

You don't know who the son of this chopper lost, do you? Yeah.

Sorry.

Mr. Henderson!

He'd make an apartment.

I know. Back off.

I don't care if you're Bob Monkhouse.

Back off.

Do you think I could use your telephone?

Do I have to spell it out?

F -U... No, no, you have made that abundantly clear.

Anybody know you're here?

Apparently not. Come on in.

Oh, thank you very much.

I hope I'm not interrupting your... Don't try what I mean.

Right, maggots, get the suitcases. We're going to Rio.

But what are we going to do?

We'll never find Nicholas Pastas before 12 o 'clock. I just told you, we're

going to Rio. Now pack everything.

Yes, but what are we going to do?

fluffy toy.

Come on in, then.

Excuse the mess. I had my godchildren around.

It's all rascals.

Now then, where is Mr. Jolly?

I'm Mr. Jolly.

Now, let's get this straight.

You're saying you are Mr Jolly?

Of course I am. Now, what about this street brand?

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. Now, what about the money?

He ain't Mr Jolly.

I am Jolly.

You don't look very jolly.

Look, just because my second name is Jolly doesn't mean I have to be jolly

the fucking time.

Let me check out that office.

Nicholas

Parsons!

Nicholas Parsons at Jaime Henderson! Nicholas Parsons is coming here today!

Rob, £6 .40!

And is it true? Yes, it is.

Nicholas Parsons is coming here today.

But this is a dream come true!

Come on! Come on!

I know you're excited, but you'll just have to be patient.

Patience, my bottom! Hit him! Come on!

Matthias Mardy, Hill on Doe, Paul Masson, all the greats! This is

All we have to do is hole up here, wait for Nicholas Parsons to arrive,

I beg your pardon?

Kill him!

Um, no, uh, oh, God, um...

If you're Mr. John, where

is Nicholas Parsons?

Oh, I just killed him.

You're a liar!

I've hit your own mind.

What is going on?

Oh, my God, I've just killed somebody. Yes, I mean, you've just killed

Did I? Yes.

Bloody hell, I need a drink. So do I. What are you fancying? Gin and tonic?

That'll do nicely.

It's wild.