Original subtitles

Um, you haven't got a letterbox.

I know.

That's because I never get any letters.

Well, you've got one today.

Oh.

Have you got a chisel?

I'll go and get one.

Hurry up, you lazy bastard!

Sorry, I was as quick as I could be.

What's happening?

What's going on?

Look, give me the binoculars.

All right, I can see perfectly well what's happening. Thank you very much.

All right, you can have them.

You're two doors away.

Pass me a sandwich, will you?

All right.

How does it look from the inside?

It's good from here.

Right. Okay, then.

Good morning.

Wait a minute.

This isn't for me. It's for number 166 next door.

You see?

I told you I never got any letters.

Yeah. Yes, you're right.

Sorry.

Hang on.

There he is.

What did you do that for?

Well, I'm a policeman, aren't I?

Did I get him?

The usual things?

Peace?

Happiness?

And you got me off the lavatory to tell me this?

I didn't get you off the lavatory. Well, somebody got me off the lavatory.

Were you stuck?

What?

I've got a letter for you.

My bloody belt!

Morning, June.

I, uh... I wonder if the post's arrived yet.

Ah! The Sound of Muzak.

My most favourite film of all time.

You ask me, it's a stupid idea.

Well, then I'm not very likely to ask you, then, am I, June?

And who's ever heard of a filming show at nine o 'clock on a Monday morning?

I have.

Who's going to want to come and see it at that time in the morning, Terry?

June, have you ever heard of a thing called commuters?

And have you ever heard of a thing called business enterprise?

Hmm?

And have you ever heard of a thing called anything, June?

No. No, you haven't, have you?

But I have.

This country needs it. If there were more people in this country like me, if

everybody in this country was me... Well, you'd have a pretty weird

directory, wouldn't you?

Tea?

Well, what do you think?

To get stupid ideas.

All right, well, I'll have some coffee, then.

I'll put my curry powder.

What is the matter with you this morning, Joan?

Sorry, Joan.

The stupid getting -up -early business.

I mean, what's the point? Nobody's going to come.

They're all too busy doing jobs.

Absolutely nobody is going to want to come and see the sound of music if you

show it at nine o 'clock this morning.

Do you really think so?

Right.

A nine o 'clock showing.

How enterprising.

That's just the ticket for shift workers like me that finished work at 8 .30.

Breakfast, dear.

Oh, thank you, Monica.

Hello, breakfast.

I hope you haven't double parked.

No, dear.

What are you going to do with yourself today, my darling?

I'm going to see the nine o 'clock showing of The Sound of Music.

A nine o 'clock showing? How enterprising.

Sweetheart.

I think breakfast is escaping.

He's been restless all morning.

I think he wants to go out.

Do you want to go for a wee -wee, hmm, breakfast?

It's a funny name for a lobster.

Good morning, Chief.

Correct.

Good morning. I found this on my front doorstep.

It looks like a police bullet, Chief.

I know it doesn't.

That bullet was used to immobilize my front doorbell.

However...

I'm attaching absolutely no importance to it. It's just one of these things.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a naked

woman.

I have reason to believe that a motion picture film using images such as

these is in our town.

This is photography.

photography and i will not pornography chief thank you sergeant smart alec

bastard in our time i want this film behind bars i want the purveyors

of this film behind bars i want anyone who's seen this film or contemplated

going to see this film behind bars and that gentleman is your job we know chief

you told us all this yesterday did i oh well there you go then all right

Actually, I'm going your way, my darling, so I may as well walk with you.

On second thoughts, it might be quicker the long way round.

or some bastard will take my parking place.

See you there, June.

June, don't be late.

What do you think you're doing?

This is private property.

I've come to see the film.

Oh, I was wrong, darling. I do apologise.

Shut up, June.

What film?

The Sound of Muzak.

Oh, it's off.

What do you mean?

Er, we've left the film.

Well, what's that?

There it is.

We found the film, June.

Didn't know we'd lost it, dear.

Shut up.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell. Bloody hell.

Bloody hell. Bloody hell.

It'll be open in just a minute and then you'll be able to buy your ticket and

some cigarettes.

Some chewing gum.

Some Smarties.

It's turned out nice again, hasn't it?

I've got to clean the carpet when I get home.

Thank you, June.

Righty -ho, then. Well, if you're ready, I'll open the doors, then, shall I?

OK, love.

Shut up! Excuse me. Shut up!

Excuse me. Shut up!

What?

Um... Well, I was first in the queue.

Yeah?

So how can it be full?

What do you mean, full?

Look.

House full.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

It's the wrong notice again.

Stupid me.

There's no need to. Here they come.

Ahoy! Comfortable!

Yeah,

this looks like a cinema, all right.

Hey, cinemas show films.

Oh, the penny snaps.

Let's go!

What's your game, Sonny?

Well, I was just trying to say this film.

I bet you were. I bet you were, you dirty bastard.

Oh, I get it.

Dirty bastard, dirty film.

Right, now then, what's your name?

Nigel. Not you, Nigel. You.

Mr Bean.

That's a funny name for a lobster.

Sarge.

Sarge. He's not a lobster, Sarge. I know. I'm just trying to disorientate

Don't do that. You'll get him confused.

That's the whole point. That's what I'm trying to do.

Oh, I get it.

There, that's confused him.

Now, get up.

And that is just a warning.

A warning about what, exactly? A warning about... Tell him, Nigel.

That is just a warning about what it's like to get smashed in the face, sonny.

Don't you forget it.

What? This.

Now then, tell us about this film.

Well, it starts off with this nun. Yes, yes, yes. We know it's dirty, but where

is it? I don't know.

Don't mess with the boat.

Oh, no.

Another suicide.

You must be more careful, Nigel.

Let's stick him down that manhole.

Right, up on the roof.

Well, the film's all fixed and ready to roll, June.

What a pity I inadvertently gave Felix the projectionist the day off today.

I'll have to show it myself.

Have, er... You went to the toilet recently, June?

Yes, dear.

Why, I reply.

Was it for friendly interest?

Nine o 'clock.

I'd better show the film.

But, Terry, no -one's bought a ticket. There's nobody to show it to. Yes, I

that, June.

But I thought I'd better just check it, you know.

You know, you'd better stay in here and not go out at all in case of late

arrival, see?

And seeing as how it's a special day today, June, you can eat as many sweets

you want.

You're right Sarge, we'll have to use the ladder.

All right, then. You go, Poe.

One for the stalls, please.

Yeah. Do you want confectionery?

What have you got?

About half a Mars bar somewhere.

I don't think I'll bother, thank you.

Is that the way out?

It's locked!

Yes. It's a dirty movie, all right.

He's digging his own nest.

Right, then.

Shall we go down and nab him, Sergeant?

No, no.

Let's let him see the whole film through, then the sentence will be more

Good idea.

Can I turn first?

Various things.

Leaves and notices.

Oh, look, some nuns.

We're 16 going on six.

Hello, miss. I'm an orphan.

Would you like to enter me for a singing competition?

Yes, I would, miss.

Excuse me, I'm disabled, thank you very much.

Santa Monica!

Just the ticket!

Scooba -dooba!

There he is!

Stop that wheelchair!

What's this?

Perhaps they're the wheelchair catchers. Look, I have told you before, I am not

a lobster.

Oh, my God.

Dawn, what have you done?

I just didn't see it. You mean you didn't look?

Well, how was I supposed to know?

I mean, I just wasn't thinking.

Well, perhaps you should have thought about it. Dawn, that's a piece of life

you've raped there with this invalid car.

Stupid cow!

Look, it's not my fault, right?

It's not her fault, Jennifer.

It's the film industry's fault.

The blame for this lies fairly and squarely on the shoulders of the British

industry.

I don't like that ending.

It's the only one we've got.

I know, I know.

I just don't like it.

What are we going to do, then?

You're the director.

Yeah, but you and Rick are the writers.

Yeah, yeah, but you get paid more than me.

Do I?

Well, let's just leave it obscure.