Original subtitles

Oh, Timmy, you're even more licky than last time.

What a simply wonderful start to the haul.

A hilltop picnic in just the five of us. Hear, hear.

Gosh, I must have the appetite of a pig.

I've eaten 13 rounds of ham and turkey sandwiches, and I'm still hungry.

I expect you've got worms.

Yes, or malnutrition.

Steady on, you two.

Gosh, isn't it sad to think there are people in this world who are starving?

Yes, I suppose it is.

Still, if they didn't breed like rabbits, there'd be more to go round.

Yes, that's true.

Mind you, half of them die in childbirth, so it must all even up in

suppose. Oh, dear.

I do wish there was something we could do to help.

Poor old Anne.

Just like a girl to get het up about world problems on a lovely day like

Well, it doesn't worry me. I agree with Dick.

Africa's miles away from here. Come on, let's enjoy the whole.

Really do?

Yeah, that was a hot and sticky ride.

Good afternoon.

Cold ginger beer's all round. I think it's the order of the day.

We've only got seven up.

I beg your pardon?

We don't sell ginger beer.

Oh, well, in that case, five of your delicious homemade ice creams will do

splendidly. We've got lollies.

Lollies?

Strawberry flavour or vanilla flavour.

Which do you recommend?

Don't know.

Well, in that case, we'll have two of each. Thank you.

What a queer girl.

I think she looks cheap. Yes, and mentally retarded. I wouldn't be

she comes from a broken home. What do you say, Dick?

Yes. Or maybe she's adopted.

That's even more likely.

Mmm. Delicious.

I expect you must love it here, living in such an idyllic spot.

You must be joking.

Why's that?

The most boring place on earth, if you really want to know.

Well, if I live here, I wouldn't be bored. I think you're jolly lucky.

Yes. I can't wait to go exploring for seashells and wildflowers.

Not that I'll pick too many, of course.

Well, I'm glad to hear that, Anne. Here is an important newsflash.

Uncle Quentin, the well -known scientist and homosexual, has escaped from

prison. So far, the police have found no trace of him, although they're known to

be carrying out inquiries at well -known public schools in the area.

Did you hear that?

Uncle Quentin has escaped!

It's horrible to think of Uncle Quentin on the loose again.

I do hope they catch him soon.

Don't worry, Anne. I'm sure the police are doing everything they can. And I

wouldn't mind betting they'll soon have him locked up in a special prison.

Yes, just like Rudolph's head.

Poor bastard.

Janey, it's time to come and feed your illegitimate baby.

Sorry about that, girl. She's not mine. She's adopted.

Oh, we quite understand.

Did you want anything else, young gent?

Yes. As a matter of fact, we're staying with a Mrs. French at Hot Turkey Farm.

Perhaps you know her. Oh, yes, the dear old soul.

Least way she was until the menopause hit her and she grasped us all to the

filth.

Still, you can't blame the poor old soul, I suppose.

What with that wicked son of hers and his comings and goings and that

strange love island just across the water.

Heavy enough to send anyone out to lunch.

Still, no doubt they'll be right up your apples and pears.

I'll be bound.

Gosh, that sounds exciting. I agree.

Well, we'd best be going now. Thank you very much indeed.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Well,

according to the map, Hot Turkey Farm is just over this hill.

So it is.

Why on earth do you think she called it strange?

I think it sounds rather romantic.

Yes, well, you would, wouldn't you?

Love Island?

I think it sounds queer.

Steady on, you two.

Look out!

Clumsy idiot.

He could have killed us all driving in that irresponsible manner.

Ugh, with a vulgar car, too. Yes, I agree.

Yes, that old Catholics.

Come on, let's find the farmhouse.

What a horrible, run -down, scruffy dairy barn this is.

He did sound like a rather nasty piece of work.

You better do what I'm telling you, Ma, or it's going to be the worst for you.

Help! You were a good son once. Now you've fallen into bad company.

Never mind all that. All I care about is selling the family farm and taking all

the money.

Shall we knock?

Not yet.

You were such a lovely baby. Shut up!

You sell up everything like I'm saying, or else I'm going off...

So don't wait up for me.

Oh, God!

What's all this?

Good afternoon. I hope we're not disturbing you, but we're the Famous

we're here to stay for a fortnight's farm holiday.

Well, I'm very sorry, Mr Famous Five, but I'm afraid your lovely farm holiday

has just been cancelled. So piss off and don't interfere in my secret

arrangements.

I don't like him, dear. He's drunk.

Do come in. I expect you'd like to start stuffing yourselves right away, don't

you? Brother!

Well, your Aunt Fanny did write to me about your excessive gluttony, so I've

prepared you a meal that would kill an elephant.

Hurrah!

Hmm!

That was grand!

you kids can certainly pack it away.

Well, I think as soon as the girls have done the washing up, we should all turn

in. Yes, I feel whacked.

Well, now, I've put you girls in the back room, and I thought you boys

mind sharing with a nice, rich American boy.

American? Yes.

Or you could both shack up with me.

I'm game.

Well, I think with all due respect, Mrs French, Dick and I would rather sleep in

a ditch.

What's all this about an American?

Oh, he's staying here with his father and paying me through the nose, I can

you.

That will be them now.

Hiya, folks.

Me and Willie are over here to buy up anything old we can get our own cultured

hands on.

How do you do?

Gee shucks, Pop.

I'm hungry. Tell that woman to fix my dinner now.

And none of that shepherd's crumble stuff.

Yuck.

Tell her yourself, Willie.

I'm too busy thinking about buying up all this heritage crap and shipping it

back to America.

For a profit.

$300.

Howdy, folks.

Say, how's about you and me being buddies?

We could have a real swell time.

$150. Actually, we don't like buddies.

Well, gee whiz, ain't that a shame?

Hey, dog, eat this shit.

Don't do that. Mrs. French will have to clear it up.

Well, it's her job, ain't it?

That's true.

this quaint old fishing boat this morning. Want to come out tomorrow and

some mackerel?

We were thinking of going bird watching, actually.

Gee, that sounds swell. You ever eaten a seagull?

Here's your special fried dinner, Willie.

Well now, Mrs. French, are you going to sell your birthright or not?

Let's talk money.

Please don't wave that tempting wad in my face, Mr. Budweiser.

All my life I've lived in a financial vacuum.

I can't cope anymore.

I've got to have more time. More time. Don't you see?

Come on, lady.

Crap or get off the pot.

Look here.

I think it's a darn right shame that our heritage is being bought up by people

like you who can't even speak the Queen's English.

Listen, bud.

If we hadn't come over and saved you limeys during the war, there wouldn't be

any goddamn Queen's English.

Yes. Well, we think it's a pity the Nazis didn't win, actually.

Because at least they cared about racial purity and they didn't litter the

countryside with bubblegum wrappers.

Well said, Dick. Yes.

Well, I think it's time for bed.

Well, I'm glad we're not sharing a room with that Willie.

I couldn't stand another second of his whining voice.

Yes, I've a good mind to kick his spotted little American face in tomorrow

morning. Good idea.

I must say, it's a shame that George III didn't stamp out the American

Revolution when he had the chance.

I agree with you heartily, Dick.

Well, I'm going to sleep now. Good night. Good night, Jew.

Right, Mr. Knuckles.

Let's load up this huge consignment of secret packages.

Rightio, Red. At this time, I want more money, you hear? More money. You've been

paid for your dirty work, Mr. Knuckles. Just get this stuff to Love Island like

the boss told you.

Don't worry about it, Red. Diplomatic relations is my game. That's as may be.

Just don't double -cross me like last time, that's all.

What do you think they're up to?

Well, it's not farm work. I'll be bad.

This must be the most evil bit of business I've ever dealt with.

Well, mind you don't start before the job's finished, that's all.

Don't you worry about that, Red. I'm out of my greedy neck in this racket.

Do you think we should call the police?

No. They probably wouldn't believe a queer story like this.

Besides, I wouldn't mind betting the wires are being cut.

Yes, that's usually the case in a situation of this type.

And there's absolutely no point in going into the farmhouse to check that they

really have been cut, is there? No.

Look here, Dick.

I think we should go and explore this so -called Love Island, don't you? Good

idea.

I vote we go first thing in the morning.

Hear, hear.

Well, good night again, Dick. Good night again, Jew.

delicious. Home -cured bacon, fresh -laid eggs, home -baked bread, heaps of

tomatoes, creamy white milk and lashings of Alka -Seltzer. Yes, I'm completely

stuffed. Yes, that really was a splendid breakfast, Mrs French. Yes, you really

are a brick.

What's for dinner?

Well, now, I thought I'd slaughter Daisy here and a few chickens. Do you think

that'll be enough?

Well, with bags of broccoli and new potatoes, sounds fine to me.

Right, come on, you two.

Bye, Daisy.

Mind how you go on Love Island, dear. It's a right down dangerous experience.

Goodbye!

What a gorgeous view!

Yes, I'm so glad it's private property, aren't you? Yes, I expect the welfare

state would like to build a motorway here.

That's not a secondary modern school.

Look, Timmy hates city folk as well.

Don't forget the gate, Joe.

Yes, the country code's very strict about things like that.

There it is.

Love Island.

We'll never be able to swim that far.

Not swim, stupid.

We're going in a boat.

Boat.

Don't worry, George. I've made an arrangement with Mrs. French to use her

dinghy whenever we want.

You think of everything, Jew.

Try to, old stick.

I'm afraid these rocks are far too jagged and dainty to let you go, bro.

Look here, I'm easily as strong as dick.

Yes, but you might panic and get hysterical. Well, do you, then?

I say, look at this. The oars are missing.

Glow. Somebody must have taken them. Yes.

To stop us getting to Love Island, I shouldn't wonder.

Well, I don't mind staying on this gorgeous beach.

Why don't we have a picnic and play rounders for once? Yes, and a refreshing

cold swim to follow.

All right, we'll have two teams then. Dick, you and I'll be captain.

You can pick first.

Right.

I'll have Anne.

Right. In that case, I'll have George.

We'll bat first.

Right, Anne.

You stand right over there, out of the way.

Ready, Jew?

Right. You'd better pull under on for George, Dick.

No. I want it the same.

Dick!

Johnny, well played, George.

But if you hold the bat like that, of course you're going to sink.

That's strange.

Dick's taking a long time.

I expect he had to see the Duke of Windsor.

What? Nothing. You know, having a Jane Eyre.

One bit.

Look, what do you think this means?

Love and peace.

What a strange code.

It must refer to Love Island.

That's where they've taken him. Come on. But how the blazes do we get there?

Oh, something will turn up. I don't know.

It's all thanks to compulsory sports and a decent private education.

our way around the island.

What's that noise?

Look, there's Dick.

Dick! Love is everything in the world.

I'll deal with it.

What on earth's going on, Dick? We thought you'd been kidnapped.

Hey, Julian.

Let's be really cool.

Look, don't fool around. There's a good chap. We've all been extremely worried.

I love you.

I love everybody.

Put yourself together.

You make yourself look queer.

I forgive you for what you just did, you.

Look, I'm turning the other cheek.

All right, I'm sorry.

Just stop playing this stupid game, that's all.

Do you want any help, Jew? No, I do not!

Now, look here, Dick.

Music is the light of the people.

Come on, everybody.

Ding!

Life is a triangle.

Just give me that guitar, Dick.

Get your boring clothes off.

I'm not going to ask you again. Just give me that guitar at once.

Give me that guitar, oh, yeah.

Shut up, you little prick -teaser.

Julian knows what he's doing.

I'm sorry, George. I'm just so worried about Dick and his mental behaviour,

that's all.

Oh, nonsense.

A cold bath will soon sort him out.

Fetch me a towel, then.

with my shorts.

Go on.

Then everything went black.

Good job, too, by the sound of it.

Do you feel all right now, Dick? Oh, yes, I feel splendid now.

Thanks for giving me that ducking, Jew.

I expect I was acting like a right grammar school spiv. You were, rather.

What do we do now? I vote we search the island.

Yes, we can't allow these ruffians to tamper with Dick's ego and get away scot

-free.

seasick. Blah, blah, leave me out. Blah, blah. Shut up!

Blah, blah, blah, Dr. Love.

Blah, blah, drugs ring.

Blah, blah, out of my crust.

Blah, blah. Shut up!

Blah, blah, life imprisonment. Blah, blah, queen dividend.

Blah, blah.

I wonder who Dr.

Love is.

Everybody's kind of cold in the plane, don't they, lad? Yeah, we got the

stuff just like last time.

Good.

Now I can proceed with my anti -social behavior.

Yeah, but what about the money problem?

The same.

Providing, of course, you weren't seen coming here.

Yeah. Don't you worry about that.

Inshore surveillance is my game.

They can't be far away.

Oh, the frightful noise sounds like enemy aircraft.

What's wrong with your butt, Nick?

Uh, nothing.

Look, it's coming from that beach.

Come on.

You look like a tangerine jukebox.

I'm hungry.

Let's eat sand.

Don't you know sand has feelings too?

Freak out.

Your face is cracking apart.

I'm a pink giraffe, didn't you know?

Look at that huge ravine.

Hello?

Hello?

Good afternoon.

Sorry to intrude, but we're the Famous Five and we're looking for Dr Love.

You have an appointment?

Well, no, actually. Hey, how are you?

You know me quite well, remember?

Yes, well... I say, look, it's Toby Thurlow.

Toby! What on earth is... you doing here?

Waiting for eternity.

Who are you?

You must be drugged. You don't know who we are. Relax, everybody.

Be like sand.

That's what Dr. Love says.

What? And lie around for years on end doing nothing, I suppose.

Look, who is this Dr. Love and where exactly can we find him?

Welcome to Love Island.

Famous find.

Uncle Quentin!

So it was you that was behind this all the time.

Yes.

I am Dr. Love.

Dr. Love, my foot, you're an escaped convict and a menace to society.

Yes, and you're not going to escape this time.

I've always admired your optimism of children, but you don't really

the power of love, do you?

You see, I've always known that sooner or later you would turn up to haunt me

and try to wreck my plan.

So this time I prepared a little surprise for you.

Gentlemen.

Look here, what do you think you're playing at? You'll be downright sorry

this. I really hate you.

Get in that cage.

How does it feel to be incarcerated, Junior?

I was just thinking, maybe we could discuss this man to man.

Yes, I've always liked you, Uncle Quentin. It was therefore that you were

down. Please let me out. No,

I can't do that.

There's too much at stake.

Besides, now that you young reptiles have been safely locked up, you can

me with my scientific experiments.

What the blazes do you mean by that?

I plan to turn this entire island into a love colony.

But why do you want to do this?

This thing?

You see, I didn't tell you the full story the last time we met at New Gap

You mean this mall?

Oh, yes.

You see, not only am I an outrageous homosexual,

But I'm an incurable drug addict as well.

So that's what those packages were?

Yes.

They help to keep me in my drug -crazed state.

As you can imagine, I need a dustbin full of the stuff each day to keep me

going insane.

Well, you won't catch us taking any of that hair -raising stuff, not after what

happened to Dick's brain.

I agree with you heartily, Anne.

We shall see.

Mr. Knuckles, get the solution ready.

I'm going off now to practice some nifty lead break on my electric

guitar.

Look,

there's the police!

Oh, wow, it's the establishment.

doing here? Yes.

How did you know where to find us? Ah, shut.

I knew what was going down because Pop was doing all the dope deals. But I only

found out today that Pop was a faggot. So I called the cops and here I am.

Yes, well, it's very decent of you, I must say.

Yes, you're not quite as vulgar as we thought you were. Listen here, I'm going

to spend Pop's money on a decent public school education like you folks. Then

I'm going to buy my way into Congress and bring back the electric chair.

Well, good luck to you, Willie.

Yes. Well done.

Master Budweiser.

You're really the top few famous five guys.

Say, I'd like to be in your next adventure.

Maybe I could stay with you one time. That would be swell.

Well, we'll see.

Yes, we'll let you know.

I'd see you, wonderful.

Go to Mr. Boat, Willie.

What? Jeepers!

Who's looking at you, kid?

It wasn't so bad, really.

Except for an American.

Yes, but I still wish they'd stayed out of the war.

Well.

Disastrously of Uncle Quentin. Good job, too.

What do you think will happen to him, Jim?

Oh, I expect they'll put him in a rubber room and throw away the key.