Original subtitles

This is stupid.

Why don't we take our own cars?

I could have been there by now. Take four cars to Swindon. That is stupid. I

don't like other people's cars.

We agreed that we all... No, I never agreed that. I never agreed that. Yes,

did. No, I didn't. You said we all go in one car and no one gets there first and

no one gets the advantage.

Brian's not going to give area sales to the fastest driver.

Yes, he will. No, he won't. He'll give it to the one with the year's best sales

sheet. That's me.

Oh, yeah.

In your dreams, mate. In your dreams. He's going to get that job.

Oh, about time.

He is such a wanker.

Well, I can't sit in the back because I get sick.

You've all got long legs. It's too cramped for me in the back. It's a nice

colour. You've been under a sun lamp.

No, mate. Florida.

Quarterly bonus, and it was superb.

We got a free flight, free car.

Yeah, good, wasn't it? Yeah.

I didn't go much on Florida when I was there. Can I just open the window then

something? I've never sat in the back of a car, have I? Yeah, well, it'll be a

new experience for you, won't it?

Come on, let's go.

Come on, ladies. You've got pin lights, you've got quad sound.

You can all change your memory.

I'm not getting out of memory.

I should be in the front. I've got longer legs than you.

I said I've got longer legs than you.

I should be in the front. All right, all right, I'll move the chair forward a

bit.

Ow! Hang Beth up, would you?

There's only one hook, and my coat's going on that.

No, I can't see out the mirror now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

There. Now will you move the seat forward?

Forward! I'm taking my own car.

I can't get out. Ian, open the door. I can't get out.

Because the child lock is on. I'm feeling sick.

Well, put your foot down, Ian.

I'm doing 80. That's fast enough.

Why don't you try doing 85 like everyone else?

After sales promotions at 4 .30pm.

Then we've got the buffet, 6 to 7pm.

Cabaret, the grumble weeds at 9 .30pm.

Why can't they just tell us in advance who's got the job instead of three of us

wasting our time in the bloody Swindon? Hey, Tim, don't worry about it. The

job's mine.

Might not be yours.

Might be Ian.

Yeah, but Brian doesn't like Ian, does he? Oh, yeah.

He liked me well enough when I pulled in the Donnelly contracts.

Donnellys are as good as bankrupt.

Well, I still satisfied their fleet service requirements, didn't I?

Three units is not a fleet, Ian. Well, Brian thought so.

And that is why I've got 17 -inch rooms with low pros and you haven't. I can

live without alloys, thank you, Ian.

I'm feeling sick. Why don't you just open the window, then?

Shut the window!

By this time tomorrow, one of us is going to be sitting in that glass

With his own parking space.

Yeah, but don't you worry about parking spaces, mate.

You just think of all those brand new temps you get to share. That's not what

the job's about.

Oh, isn't it?

It's the responsibility.

Oh, here she goes.

Oh, that's why they give you a company credit card.

And all the junkies.

What, overnight in Belfast? No, no, opera and all sorts.

Brian was telling me he went to a film premiere at the Odeon Leicester Square.

And afterwards he went to a party.

at Planet Hollywood, and he sat right under the gun from Die Hard. The actual

gun.

I'm feeling sick.

Yeah, hello.

Hello, Bernie. Mate, how are you?

I'm all right.

Have one of them.

What, didn't you get the new parts?

Will it stop me feeling sick? What is that, Raid? Take your mind off it.

I'm in the depot right now. I'll sort it out. Hello, where are Bernie's parts?

Speak to me, somebody!

I'll put the petrol on the air miles card, yeah? The tie and the floor mats

the loyalty card, and the chewing gum I'll pay cash for, of course. No, get

of the way there, look. I'll put the chewing gum on the loyalty card as well.

No, the air miles card.

No, look, in fact, I'll put everything on the air miles card except for the

floor mat.

So it's just the two receipts. Okay, look.

We can't put confectionery on air miles.

Oh. Um, well, I've got enough points on the loyalty card to pay for the floor

mat, the tie and the chewing gum.

Afraid not. You haven't been loyal enough.

Oh.

Forget it, then.

Stop the petrol, thank you.

Sounds of the 80s. Never heard of it. A compilation tape's normally £6 .99.

£6 .99 then.

£7.

I can't get change out.

That's OK.

You can keep it.

What's in those pills? My head's spinning.

Sorry, but I'm starving. Oh, God, what's that?

It's lamb biryani with mingaloo sauce.

It's nice.

I can't believe I don't see him. He's breathing in here.

Anyone want to hear this?

Sounds of the 80s, eh?

See if you remember this.

Hang on.

Oh, yeah. Thank you for coming on the side of the trees I love. God, I forgot

how good this was. If I'm here, I could have swallowed.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's this program?

Get a fucking life!

I think it wants to get past you. Well, we'll have to wait, won't we?

What is the point in that, eh?

I mean, what is the point in that?

Right, step on in, Liam. We've only got an hour to go.

Hold on, Bronco, it'll be six.

Come on.

I'm trying to, the bastard won't let me.

I've got to get out.

That's not funny!

That's funny.

Tony just said it valeted as well.

I'm going to call Brian, tell him we might be a bit late.

Yeah.

I can't get a signal.

Oh, come on.

Step in the door.

Oh, God, I'm dying.

No, let's just go in. Oh, God.

No,

no, no.

Oh, oh, oh, right, right, right.

There's a key there.

Where the hell's the phone?

Just shat myself.

There's an old phone.

Well, of course there's a phone. Everyone has a phone.

Maybe it doesn't look like a phone. That's it, yeah. A novelty phone.

Yeah, a Mickey Mouse or a Ferrari or something.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, very fucking funny.

Hey, I think I've found him.

Get out! Get out of my house!

No, finish that. I don't want your bloody germ.

Don't shoot.

We're only salesmen.

What the...

We had an accident on the motorway and we just found the key.

Ian Crisp, Rampart Financing.

Smell number on me mobile.

Stand up, all of you.

It's all right, Tim. She's got my card. I can't actually get my hand into my

pocket at the moment.

But, uh, hi.

I'm Alan Sellers.

And, uh, wow.

What a nice house you have here.

I do apologise for the terrible intrusion.

You're dripping blood on my carpet.

Yes, I know. Oh,

I see. Sorry. Sorry. Good. You're still doing it. Move on to the lino. Go on.

The lino.

I'm coming now.

Here we are.

Thank you, sir. Madam. Madam.

Madam. Look, we're all just a bit injured.

And all we need is this phone and a tourniquet and a bucket.

Get him off my sofa.

And clean up that mess, you bastard!

Clean that up, you bastard! Clean it up, you bastard!

You bastard! You clean it up now!

He's very, very sick, madam.

Well, this is outrageous.

You have the cleanest mess up all of you.

Don't mess. Thank you, sir.

Clean up this mess. Clean up this mess.

Can you mind him? Look, he's made. He's sick of this.

400 yards to the motorway and he's like some bloody rescue centre.

Look, er, madam, please, could we just use your phone?

No, you can't. Please, help us.

We're dying.

Well, I haven't got a phone.

You're lying.

Everyone's got a phone.

I don't have one.

That's why I live in this godforsaken place. I can't be alone and have a drink

and eat.

Madam, what's the chance of just borrowing that car out there, just for a

of hours?

No, that's right.

That's the question.

We just want to borrow the car for a couple of hours, get it down to the

station, and I'll tell you what, we are going to give you, little lady, 50

pounds.

No, we're not. We're actually going to give you 75 pounds.

Are you trying to buy me?

Are you? No.

Are you trying to buy me? Ian.

Ian. Look, I'm just going to go out to get a signal, yeah?

And then we'll be out of your air as soon as we can, love. All right?

Have you got a toilet?

No, of course I've got a toilet.

How long do you think I've sunk?

Thank you very much.

Right, you've got ten minutes.

If you touch anything, I'll blow your head off.

Do you think she'd shoot us if I put the kettle on?

It's your call, Tim.

Listen, uh, Tindo, I was just thinking I'll, uh, I'll just pop outside and rub

bit of, uh, snow on this, uh, wood if I can't get it to freeze over a bit, so,

uh, you just, uh,

Just enjoy your tea, Tim.

You prick.

I knew we should have taken our own car.

Oh, so you're a writer.

What kind of package are you on, just out of interest?

What are you doing?

I was just coming off to get help.

You were trying to steal her bike, weren't you?

No, I wasn't. I was just walking past and he came at me. Come on.

Don't help me, Oliver!

So, no, go through this again.

I pay nothing, six months, and £40 a month thereafter.

I just don't understand how they can do this to people. Well, no, it's also part

of our link purchase policy.

I mean, for instance, if you were to buy...

a new car as well i've got a car you could save even more money oh yeah

that's the um yes she's fine for a writer i suppose but you take like

angle those nippy young women's cars you see in the ad yeah she's driving across

spain you know she's got a couple of gorgeous boats in the back you know what

i'm saying it's a very different image right what i hate though is the one with

the arabs oh yeah in the back you don't like that one no i don't i hate that one

feel like that

But there's a very good one when they're driving a little green car and they've

got little beach cakes in the back. Oh, that's great.

She's going to have some fun.

And that's the kind of image of that kind of car.

Very silly, even at 0 % finance.

Now, eight pairs of four, we don't have to worry about that. No.

My leg!

I think it's broken!

Well, did you get through? No, we're in a dead zone. I'm going to have to walk

to the nearest phone.

Oh, yeah?

Then you'll be off to Swindon, won't you? Leaving us here to rot.

I never expected this of you, Ian.

Not for an extra measly two grand a year and access to the executive washroom.

You all right?

Strong stuff, isn't it? Yes.

Hello.

Let me help you up.

Now, I've got exceptionally good terms. I think you're going to be very happy

with it. You know, just signature anywhere on this paper.

What happened? She was about to sign this contract. She threw herself down

stairs. I think she's dead.

Oh, great.

We're going to have to get the police.

So we spent all night answering questions and Trevor got there and he

failed. Let them go.

Yeah, it's nothing to do with us. Oh, you were the one that was upstairs with

her. That's it.

You killed her. I was just selling her a car.

And when she wouldn't sign, you killed her.

Because you're so bloody desperate to make your units up. You shouldn't have

done it, Steve. You're the one with blood on your hands.

Hey, I've got a car key.

Let's just go.

I'm in the front, thank you very much.

Hey! I was in the front, you bastard! Get in the back!

Get away from me!

Come on, come on!

Oh, God.

The greatest job of our lives on offer and we're stuck in a...

No drift with a dead woman.

She's breathing.

We've got to get an ambulance.

Don't let her die!

Somehow. Don't let her die, Steve! Some way.

I'm going to get a signal.

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up, you drunken bitch!

Oh, I forgot.

She's diabetic.

She needs insulin.

Well, get some insulin, then.

I smashed it.

You thieving, junky bastard.

I was only trying to cheer myself up.

All right, all right, all right, look.

Diabetics need sugar, so get some sugar. No.

Bananas.

Give me more bananas.

Get me out of the nose, pal.

I don't believe it.

The signal!

Hello?

Brian!

Yeah, we're just approaching the Swindon turnoff right now.

She's slipping away.

So now we're murderers?

Oh, bloody hell!

You see what happens when you don't have a telephone?

Did you get the ambulance?

Just got a signal.

Brian called.

Oh, Brian.

Has he?

He just had time to say we've all been sacked before the battery failed.

Yeah, but he didn't include me, though, did he?

All of us.

He named us one by one.

Sacked?

Did he... Did he say anything else?

Yes.

He said we're dickheads and just a waste of petrol.

So that's it, then?

We're finished.

We've been at the destination at 17 .30 hours over.

Oh, by the way, I haven't had my hot meal break.

Oh, that was four minutes yesterday.

Yeah, I'm thinking of taking the whole half hour actually on Monday.

Freak weather we're having.

You know, two miles down the road, it's completely clear.

Weird, isn't it?

Is that our car?

Well, it's something very similar, yes.

Oh, what a day.

You're the Rampart boys, aren't you?

We were. We've just been sacked.

There you start again.

You build up a new customer base, little favour here, new set of tyres there. I

can't play starting all that again.

No, nor me. I'm going to go back to dealing soft drugs.

I'm not fit for anything else. Lying and bullshitting is all I know.

Me too. I've never told the truth. I've never had to.

All we do is lie.

We lie on the phone.

We lie to our suppliers.

We lie to our customers.

But above all, we lie to ourselves.

Cut out that soul -searching crap.

You're salesmen, all of you. People don't come to you for the truth.

They come to you because they need you to tell them what to buy.

Right.

You've had a setback.

You're down to zero units and you've got no bonus points. But, hey, who gives a

shit?

There are as many mugs in the world as there were yesterday.

You know, she's right, guys. There must be millions of mugs out there in the

world. You can hold on to that, mister.

Who's going to find for these?

Who are you? Just a board from the depot. Stella.

Nice to have you back.

Stella. Rhymes with... Listen, I'm giving you guys a second chance. We all

the score, the endless road, ducking and overheating soon, on a diet of Rennies

and last month's copy of Landed.

But who cares?

Because you're back in the game.

So be confident.

But above all, be well, cocky. Now get out there, sell shit, and make Mama

of you.

Yes, sir!

Come on, guys, let's just do it! Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Right, this mint green girly car I've got on the back of the trailer with the

two Australian feet piece in it.

Oh, you want to have some fun?

Or you want to stay here and be a lonely old drunk the rest of your life?

Go on, Hayley. Let's go.

I hope you find a little more time. Remember we were partners in

crime.

It's only two years ago. The man with the tooth and the face.

He knew that he was there on the case.

Now he's in love with you.

You want to get part of it?

Well, he'll have to wait, won't he?