All language subtitles for The Comic Strip 05 Private Enterprise

Can you sign for this then, mate?

Sure. With a look.

How many people you got working here,
then?

Thirty -six.

Full -time.

God, you don't get through a lot of bog
paper.

Yeah, well, business isn't too good.

People are getting scared.

Hang on.

You've got to pour too many in.

Have I?

Oh. I wonder how they got there.

Must be an uplifter requirement.

Tell you what.

Give us a tenner and I'll say no more
about it.

Tenner? Yeah.

That's theft, that is.

I like to call it a private enterprise.

Here we go!

Where's the governor?

I've got to get my invoice signed.

Here we go.

Look,

Des, I've told you before, it's got to
pick up pace when we hit the bridge.

I've got to take it from you and Roger,
so you've both got to pick up pace.

All right, we'll do it again.

How much tape have we got left, Nigel?

Not a lot, but we can go over what
you've already done, unless you want to

it. No.

It was crap.

I think we should save it.

Oh, so you've started thinking now, have
you?

Look, there's no point in getting
tetchy, is there? It's not very

is it?

No, and it wasn't a very good take
either, was it?

I think we should keep it anyway,
because we might not get a better one.

Well, if we might not get a better one,
then maybe we'd better not might take

another take.

Hang on a minute.

What is it?

Bog paper.

Sign for this, will you?

Isn't Jerry in the office?

It's locked. No one there.

Let's have a look, then.

Who's the band?

Toy department, they call themselves.

Bloody awful.

What is it, a single or what?

You must be joking, mate. More like demo
number 85.

No one's going to buy music like that, I
hope.

Too fucking modern.

There you go.

Cheers.

Oh, so it's come down to clothes now,
has it?

So just because I dress more
imaginatively than you, then I'm too

know anything about music, am I?

Turn it off, please.

It's all.

Oh, bloody dead.

Oh, God.

Rosie! Ow!

Sorry.

It's not very sad, is it, Brian?

She's not supposed to know you're here.

Oh, God, sorry.

Apart from that, it's a bit bloody
early, isn't it? What do you mean it's

past nine?

What? Oh, no.

Debbie, it's half past nine.

What? It's half past nine.

What? It's half past bloody nine, for
God's sake.

What?

You don't stop saying what, I'll bloody
kill you.

It's half past nine and we are both
late. Got it?

Fucking hell!

All right.

Bella!

Who's this band? They're brilliant.

Oh, that's that cassette I was telling
you about.

I picked it up from that studio. They're
called, um, Toy Department.

Oh, what, you nicked it?

Borrowed it.

Oh, yeah, borrowed it.

Probably with a view to seeing what you
could do for them in terms of

representation, Your Honour.

Naturally, what a shrewd analysis,
Brian.

Oh, thank you, Keith. In fact, I do
believe it's my superior intelligence

secured my position in that small but
elite body of men and women.

commonly known as Maggie's Million.

I thought it was your degree from
Women's Scrubs.

Oh, yeah, that as well.

Oh, Brian, what are you doing here?

Look, Debbie, it was just one of those
things.

We met quite by chance, accidentally, in
the pub, and he couldn't get home, so I

let him stay.

Oh, Brian, look, I mean, I like you very
much, and it's very nice to see you all

right. I mean, you're one of our oldest
and our best friends, maybe the best,

but I want you to fuck off now and not
come back, all right?

It was only one night. Look, for God's
sake, don't be so stupid, both of you.

I mean, if Mayla catches you here
together, I mean, she's going to say

broken parole and you'll both be put
back inside.

How's it worth it, hmm?

No.

Exactly, so just get lost.

Oh, it really is nice to see you, huh?

Yeah, get lost, Brian.

A lot of stuff's been falling off the
back of your van recently.

Ah, it's the doors,

Mr Pinder. They keep opening.

Very poor quality, you see. I mean, but
that's what happens if you don't buy

British, I mean.

And I have to drive round at such a
speed, you see, to get all the

in. I mean, it's criminal, the amount of
work you give us to do in a day.

Do you know, I have to break the speed
limit every day just to get it all in. I

mean, it's bloody criminal, honestly.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

In fact, I'm keeping a close eye on you,
Keith, and I'm meeting your parole

officer tomorrow, so you'd better keep
your nose clean.

Ah, well, it's very nice of you to be so
concerned, Mr. Pinder.

Don't push your luck, Keith.

And another thing, that cassette
player's against company regulations.

Get it out the cab before you bring the
van back tonight, all right?

Anything you say, Mr. Pinder.

You? You're too old to know anything
about the music business, you senile old

git. Would the next one like to go
through, please?

You must have won him over with your
gracious charm.

Fuck off.

Oh, there it is again.

Do I leave it for you, then?

Yeah, thank you.

Would the next one like to go through,
please?

I'm Keith.

Keith Epstein.

Epstein? Yeah.

Any relation to Brian Epstein?

He was my brother.

Oh, really?

Congratulations.

You're the 47th brother of Brian Epstein
I've met since I got this job.

Now get out.

Boots, boots, boots, boots, boots.

Louise?

Boots.

Fourth from last this morning's session.

Um... Something about boots.

Copy this one.

Oh, yes, Epstein.

Well, tell him to give me a ring anyway,
would you? And I want him tomorrow

morning first.

Hello?

No. Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Who are you?

Keith. What do you want?

I'm trying to find that band that was
here yesterday.

Toy department.

I'll be in again today.

Nigel? Yeah?

This guy wants the toy department.

Look, do any of these bloody phones
work? I think the one in the kitchen

So, what do you want with them? You're
not in the band, are you? No.

No, no, you need a more stupid
hairstyle.

So what do you want with them?

I was just looking for them.

Got a business proposition, you know.

Have you now?

Oh, that'll be interesting.

Why's that?

They split up yesterday.

What? Yeah, it was quite good fun,
really.

Ali said that the others could all go
and fuck themselves and he was going to

on a voyage of discovery of his own
image.

What about the rest of them? I don't
know.

You could try the George in Islington.

The George? Yeah.

They was in here at this lunchtime, as a
matter of fact.

Any idea where I can find them now? It's
a bit urgent. I've got a bit of

business I could put their way. Well,
you'll have to get in pretty sharpish,

old son.

What's that?

Well, they was in here with this bloke
at lunchtime. Roger says they was going

to sign some contract or other about
doing a tour of Sweden or something. He

in a bit of a panic because apparently
Alistair, he's left the bank.

And they had to find another thing out
before they left.

Should have found one a while ago, if
you ask me.

Do you know when they're leaving, then?

Um, they was catching the 11 .45 ferry
from Felixstowe in the morning.

Seems a bit dull to me. I mean, you see,
Sweden has just won the Eurovision Song

Contest, haven't they? Well, now, I
can't see the Swedes.

exactly liking Roger's band when he got
such good music of their own. You know

what I mean? You know what I mean?

I'll be honest with you, Keith.

We're looking for a tax loss.

I must admit, I chose your band because
they're the worst, most derivative thing

I've heard in a long time.

On the upside, though, you get a modest
amount of money and the slimmest of

chances of selling a record or two.

There's an element of urgency involved,
though. We need a single out within a

fortnight for tax purposes. Is that a
mast you have there?

Uh, yeah.

Splendid. Well, you leave that with me,
with Louise, and I'll see if I can get

an even worse mix of it. When can I see
the band?

Oh, uh, tomorrow?

It's gone.

Hard luck.

If you didn't have a car that broke down
every hundred yards, we could have

caught them.

Well, don't blame me, Keith.

I'm a child of the recession.

This car is my inheritance from
successive governments' lack of

new product lines since the 1950s.

I'm aware of that, Brian.

But I've just about cracked a record
deal which could be worth a few thousand

quid if I hadn't got a band.

Any suggestions?

Besides rejecting the opposition with
MC3 as the main indication of the money

supply.

Yes.

I don't know.

Do it without the band!

Do it without the band.

I think you're taking this tax loss
situation a bit too seriously there,

But Derek, I think you might be able to
make some money out of it.

I'll give you a minute.

What you could do is promote it as some
kind of mystery band.

You know, make it a bit of a game with
people having to guess who it is.

What, so everybody's got to guess that
it's a bunch of nobodies?

Well, they wouldn't know that, you see.

To the general public, it could be
anybody. I mean, it could be Boy George,

all they know.

Could be Mick Jagger, Neil Kinnock, Mark
Thatcher, even. It's possible.

Could it be Prince Andrew?

Yeah, that's a good one. That has fell a
few copies.

Yeah.

Could be anyone, you see.

So we could sell it to people and they
could imagine it was whoever they liked.

Well, that must be quite a big market,
Derek.

Could be mega.

Yeah.

There'll be no live concerts, of course.

Videos?

Yeah, but without showing their faces.

Debbie?

Debbie?

You bloody bastard.

I hate you.

I thought you liked Chinese.

No bloody wisecracks, Keith Martin,
because I'm not in the mood, all right?

I got Kentucky Fried as well. Everyone
likes Kentucky Fried. Look, stop it,

Keith. Just stop it.

Now, I want some straight answers from
you.

I mean, Naylor was round here today, and
she said you got sacked from your job a

fortnight ago.

My God, Keith, I don't want to be put
away again. A fortnight? That's two

What have you been doing?

Where did you get all this stuff?

You've nicked it, haven't you? I know
you have. You've bloody nicked it. Do

want to know the truth?

I mean, what have you been doing? What
have you been doing every day when

been planning to go to work, hmm?

Well, you know that tape I've been
playing. Oh, don't lie to me, Keith. I'm

I'm not. Honest.

You know that tape.

Well, what I've been doing is, and I
know you're going to find this hard to

believe, but what I've been doing is not
only becoming the manager of the band,

but I've got my deal with Hardcore
Records as well.

And what all this stuff's made of, oh,
by the way, I've got Indian as well,

all this stuff's made of is celebrating
the release of my band's first single.

You're pathetic.

Debbie, I hate to tell you this, but
it's all true.

Here's the record.

What?

Oh, no.

I've got McDonald's as well.

I must tell you, Keith, it's phenomenal.

I've never known such a response from
the press. They love it.

Oh, and we've got half a million advance
sales, did I tell you? And we only

released last week.

Well, there it is.

25 ,000 quid in fivers.

This is a bit of a first for us, you
know.

Never done this before.

It's very unusual them wanting it in
cash.

Then?

The band.

Never heard of a 100 % management deal,
Derek.

Hmm? Only joking.

Look, Derek, could you do us a favour?
What is it?

Well, I've sort of got this other band,
you see, called Toy Department, and...

They're doing a tour of Sweden at the
moment. And I was wondering if you

couldn't fix them up with a spell on the
QE2 for six months or so, or maybe a

tour of South America. What do you
think?

They like traveling, do they? Oh, love
it. They can't get enough of it, Derek.

In fact, they told me they want to stay
out of the country just as long as

possible because some of them are a bit
dodgy, you know.

Well, it's not my usual end of the
business, Keith, but...

If that's what you want, I'm sure I can
find somebody to fix it for you. Thanks,

Derek. Listen, just one more thing.
Could you tell whoever arranges this not

mention my name? It's a sort of
practical joke, you know.

Thumbs the word.

Bar.

Oh, we've run out. Want some newspaper?

Look, you know perfectly well what I'm
talking about.

They're thinking of pressing charges.

Apparently you lost 50 boxes of stuff.

What's this?

Oh, I think it's money, isn't it? Yeah,
it looks like money, all right.

You can use a couple of sheets of that
if you want.

Keith, they're on!

Keith, can I have a... word with you,
please. Hang on, hang on.

Keith. Shut up.

Look, I'm asking you for the last time,
Keith.

Turn it back on.

Because there's banners on telly, for
God's sake. It's important.

Pop music is not important.

Fifty boxes of toilet rolls are.

Look, just turn it back on. We can talk
about bog paper later.

We'll talk about it now, OK?

Look, it's my bloody telly and I want to
watch it.

You're a big bitch! Look what you've
done now!

And you pushed me. I did not! You did. I
did not! You did. I did not!

Hello? Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
Can you keep the noise down, please? I

can't hear anything.

Hello? Look, you're obviously both in a
very highly emotional state.

I'd better come back later.

Well, it's always a pleasure to see you,
Miss Naylor.

Hello?

Keith? Yeah?

Ah, Derek here.

Bit of a surprise, Keith.

The record's sailing even better than
before, so I've decided to drop all the

mystery nonsense and book you in for a
tour.

Starting in Manchester on Saturday, OK?

What? Ring Louise for the details. OK,
mustache. Ah, but Derek, the thing...

Derek!

Derek, no...

Don't be stupid, Brian. You can't do a
gig with the lights off. The public

buy that.

All right, then.

Um, what about four robots as a stage
head?

Think of the advantages.

There'd be no hotel bills. You could
just bung them in the boot of the car

the gig.

They could even blow themselves up at
the end of the gig.

What about concert halls that blow
themselves up before the gig?

What?

We could burn them down.

Oh, yeah.

Anchoring in.

They're now out of generation
articulating the violence of a pretty

strategy.

We can't do this, Keith.

Oh, yeah? What about all that short
-term planning backlash stuff you're

all about then?

Oh, sod that.

Well, look at it this way, Brian.

Most people who do arson have got some
huge psychological problem, and they get

nothing out of it except maybe an
erection.

Whereas we stand to make two and a half
thousand quid cancellation fee.

I think I'd rather have an erection.

Oh, with a bit of luck, we might get
both.

Look, are you sure this is going to
work, Keith? Of course I'm sure.

Watch this.

Yeah, I'm watching.

Oh, bugger it.

That bit's stupid, Keith.

As soon as you get there, it'll go off
in your face.

Look, it's not a bloody stand of
firework, Brian. It's a sophisticated

electrical equipment.

What's all the more reason, if you ask
me?

Look, if it hasn't gone up already, then
it won't until I've fixed it, will it?

Well? They're all in.

It's packed out.

Bloody policemen everywhere as well, I
can tell you.

Right. God, I had a job persuading that
guy to band up these soundchecks.

Hello?

Hello, is that De Montfort Hall?

Ah, right.

Um, this is the Angry Brigade.

No, the Angry Brigade.

Yeah, um, we were very big in the 60s.

No, we're not a band.

Look, shut up, will you, and listen.

There is a bomb in the hall, yes, a
bomb, that is due to detonate in 15

minutes.

Yeah, got that? Good, goodbye.

I'd much prefer it to wanton
destruction.

I've just thought how we can avoid
Liverpool.

That shouldn't be difficult.

Central government have been doing it
for years.

Come on, we can do it from London.

Four halls have burnt down.

One gig's had to be blown out because of
a bomb scare.

And now you say the whole tour has to be
cancelled because Robbie's broken a

finger in a hang gliding accident.

Now I know we're getting a lot of
publicity out of this.

And Robbie can break every bone in his
body as far as I'm concerned. But

basically where is he?

And where's the rest of the band?

The press want to see them. I want to
see them.

Everybody wants to see them.

So I've booked you a press conference
for tomorrow morning.

Hey, what are we going to do?

We shouldn't be taking this very calmly.

Brian, how would you like to be a famous
pop star?

Or two?

Please calm down.

Listen, Stig and Alex are both here, but
they are not coming out until you give

them a bit more room. So please go back
and give them a bit more space. Move

back, please. Now, whatever you do,
don't touch their hair. I'm afraid

very, very paranoid about their hair.
One touch of their hair and the whole

conference is over.

Right, here we go, then.

Right, here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Alex.

Alex, ladies and gentlemen. Hello,
everybody.

nice to see you. This is fun, isn't it?
Only if it works, that's all.

Yeah,

I suppose so.

You? Yeah, what do you think of the
fires and bombscares that surround your

-fated tour?

I don't know. I suppose someone
somewhere doesn't want us to play.

It's a bit depressing.

How do I look?

Bloody silly.

Oh, thank you very much.

I suppose the next single will be
released as soon as we've recorded it.

You know.

It's all going to end in tears, you
know.

Well, that's what they said about the
Pyramids.

Right then, here I go.

Oh, yeah, here he is.

This is... Well,

we don't get on, do we, Stig?

Yeah, well, we do get on, but we're a
bit afraid of... after the recent death

threats incidents.

Yeah, we decided then it would probably
be best if none of us was ever all in

the same place at the same time ever.

Yeah, ever.

Does that mean there's no chance of a
concert in the near future?

I think the band needs a rest, don't
you, Steve? Definitely, yeah. We've all

been under a lot of pressure lately. I'm
sure you understand that. A lot of

pressure. A lot of pressure. Pressure on
pressure.

And we're very tired and very emotional
about everything now.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, um, yeah.

Yeah.

Christ, we'd better be careful, Debs, or
we might catch on.

Listen, can you look for Bron? I'll get
changed.

Where have you been?

I've been with that blonde journalist.

What did you tell her?

I think I might have told her a bit too
much, actually.

What did you tell her?

Everything.

What?

You've told her everything.

You're not a very good criminal, are
you, Brian?

Not at all.

How are you?

Why, Miss Naylor, what a pleasant
surprise.

But, Brian... What?

I hear you've been seeing a lot of Brian
recently.

But that's a lie. I haven't seen him for
weeks, honest.

Miss Naylor, this is Alex, by the way.
He's one of the band. Alex.

How do you do?

What's so important about this Brian,
then? Oh, nothing much.

Oh.

Well, I'd better go, then.

I'll see you, Keith.

Now, look, Keith, I know something's
going on. I'm not quite sure what it is,

but I... Miss Naylor, can I ask you a
question?

How much do you get as a parole officer?

Pardon?

It's £5 ,000 in cash.

Miss Naylor, would you please leave me
alone?

Do you seriously think, Keith, that you
can buy me off with £5 ,000?

Tax -free.

You're very stupid.

Very stupid!

Always works in the movies.

Things are getting a bit sticky, Brian.

I think the band might have to meet with
a fatal accident.

What do you fancy? Car crash? Plane
crash?

Poison? That'd be stupid, Keith.

We'll get done for murder.

You can't be done for murdering
yourself, can you?

I mean, where's the body?

By the way, Keith.

Yeah?

I know it's none of my business, but
your wife's having an affair.

With Stig.

The bastard.

I'll kill him. I'll bloody kill him. I
think that might be a bit drastic,

Certainly sell a few more records.

Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

Yes, it would.

Finished, Keith.

Right, let's go.

See you, Derek.

Yes?

There's a Mr. Kitson to see you.

Does he have an appointment?

No, but I think you ought to see him.

All right, well, show him in.

I don't like living in hotels, Keith.
All the fans and everything.

Why can't we just buy a flight and get
the money?

I know it, Debs.

But I think just at the moment it's best
to be able to move as quickly as

possible.

Especially with what me and Brian have
got planned.

I don't remember saying come in.

Come to arrest you, Keith.

What? You're under arrest.

What for?

23 counts of theft, four counts of
arson, and one of attempted bribery.

Well, that sounds fairly comprehensive.

Got any evidence?

It's all going to stick, Keith.

That's a bit unlucky, isn't it?

I'd better go and get my coat on, then.

I just don't believe it. I wonder where
all these charges come from. Keith could

have done all that, but he hasn't had
time.

I'm sorry, Debbie. I tried to talk to
him, but he just wouldn't listen.

But arson...

Yes, I'm afraid there's a side to Keith
that you know absolutely nothing about.

You see, Debbie, Keith is the sort of
person... Liz!

Oh, my God, what's going on?

Keith just came in and climbed straight
out the bathroom window!

What, sir?

I think you owe me £250 ,000.

Bloody hell.

Where's Ryan, then? He's supposed to be
here.

into the hospital.

This isn't the way to the hospital,
Brian. Oh, no.

We've got to get into the hospital!

Oh, stop bloody crying.

Keith! Yeah, stop bloody crying, woman,
or I'll shoot you.

What? Look, it was all arranged, see?
And it worked! Of course.

To bloody hell!

Brian, did you get the tickets from the
travel agent?

Yeah, of course I did.

Great. Stick some music on then.