Original subtitles

You all right, bro?

Yeah, man, I'm well up for this. Hello there. Are you Ryan?

Yes.

I'm the vicar, Reverend Willis. I'll be conducting your wedding service.

Fierce.

Your processional music is ready. Now, did you bring the vows that you and

Lauren wrote?

Good, thank you.

Well, I think we're about ready to start.

Time for cover, motherfucker!

We're all gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of Lauren and

It's wonderful to see how many of you are here to support this young couple as

they embark upon a lifetime together.

Now, Lauren and Ryan have asked to say their own specially written vows. So,

after the first hymn, we shall... Right, I don't want no God music.

This is getting weird, isn't it?

What? OK, right, well, fine, you first. Ryan?

Do you, Ryan Kanye Fiddy St.

Perkins, take Lauren, Alicia, Meshika, Tanisha,

Alicia, Jane Cooper to be your lawful wedded wife?

Is it?

And do you promise not to disrespect her family or call her dad a

lardass or her mum an asbo?

In it, though.

Does that mean yes?

Right, good, well... So, now your turn, Lauren. Do you take

Ryan to be your lawful wedded husband?

If he... And do you promise not to diss him as long as he swears on his deck

that he won't call your dad a wino or refer to you or your mum as a pikey?

Laurel and Ryan, you have both... Have I finished?

Well... Have I finished, though?

Have you finished? No, I haven't finished.

Right.

Mate, what you doing?

You've shown yourself up there, though, haven't you? And you're going to think

she's the one by Robbie Williams?

No, man.

But I'm the one, though.

Not anymore, you ain't.

What do you mean?

I ain't marrying that.

What? What was I thinking? I can't get married.

I've got to concentrate on my army and stuff.

Jamal, let's chip.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But he just dumped you at the...

No, I didn't, though. Marriage is for losers.

But you started singing, mate.

No, I didn't. But you did Titanic.

I was going to do that anyway.

But you thought you were Celine Dion.

Are you calling me a moose?

No.

But I ain't even a moose, though.

Are you okay, Lauren?

What are you doing? I just wondered if you were okay.

Who asked you, though? Well, I was just... Who asked you, though?

Well, I... Did I ask your opinion, though? Well, no. Did I ask your

though? Well, no. Well, shut up, then.

You ain't even a real vicar anyway.

I most certainly am.

They don't let lesbians become priests.

Beg your pardon?

Did they think you were a bloke, Father?

I'm not a father, I'm a reverend. Are you a pre -op transsexual?

I am not.

Well, you look like one. Well, I can assure you I am not.

Have you had the operation?

I don't have to put up with this. Did they take one off or are they putting

on? I suggest you leave.

Are you Arthur or Martha?

What? Are you Arthur? No. Then you're Martha. No. Are you Arthur or Martha?

What? Are you Arthur and Martha? That is enough.

I am a servant of God, and I believe in the sacred union of marriage.

You have shown no respect to me or my calling. By offending me, you have

offended the Almighty.

God has witnessed this.

I'm above it.

I'm sorry. Am I buffed, aye?

What? I am buffered.

Well... Do I look buffered?

Well, no, but... No, that's because I ain't buffered. Deep down, you are. Deep

down, I ain't.

Lauren, God sees.

God schmod.

Lauren!

He ain't buffered. What? God ain't buffered. Well... Do you think God's

buffered? God ain't even buffered. No, I... Ask him if he's buffered. Ask God

he's buffered. Go on, ask the Almighty if he's buffered. Go on, ask him if he's

buffered. Ask him if he's buffered.

Just ask him if he's buffered. Are you buffered, Lord?

He ain't even bothered.

You will go straight to hell.

As long as I don't see you, I'll have a nice time.

This is absurd.

Face. What? Bothered. Look, bothered. Face.

I ain't even bothered, though. Look, face. No. I ain't even bothered. Look,

bothered.

Discomfortable shoes. I ain't bothered.

I can't. Look, God's God. Face. Bothered. Look, face. Bothered. I ain't

bothered.

I have never been so offended in my entire life.

May God forgive you. I certainly can't, you little fuckwit.

Still ain't bothered.

So we've gone for a run out to Keighley.

Not the original plan.

We were going to Bolton Abbey.

But it was shut.

So we thought we'd go to Keithley instead.

There's nothing there, but it's close.

We've finally arrived.

Roadworks on the A42.

And we're both starving hungry.

Well, it's lunchtime by now.

So Ray sees one of these new sandwich bars.

What were it called?

Somewhat French.

Don't ask.

But I say, how far wrong can you go with a sandwich? Listen to this.

We go up to the counter.

Look at the display.

This is unbelievable.

And you'll never guess what they're selling.

This is off the radar.

What they've got the cheek to ask money for. Go on.

A no -bread sandwich.

A sandwich?

We're no bread.

A prawn and avocado no -bread sandwich.

Prawn and avocado, basically.

is in Keesley.

Dirty bastards.

They've made a sandwich, scraped the filling out, put it in a plastic box,

£3 .50.

I kid you not.

The dirty, evil, breadless bastards.

You had a lot of tension in your shoulder there.

Tension, dear, yes, dear.

I think that might have loosened things up a bit.

Oh, yes, dear, you've certainly got the touch.

OK.

I think I'm about done here, unless there's anything else I can do for you,

Derek. How do you mean, dear?

I beg your pardon?

Yes, I heard that bit.

What?

How very dare you!

Oh, it's just most of the gentlemen who come in here like to finish with a

little, um, relief.

A little relief?

How very, very double dare you!

I'm sorry, Derek, but most of the gay men do expect extras.

What on earth are you insinuating?

You mean you're not gay?

Who do me do gay do know?

Just because a man polishes his shoes and can describe every outfit Leslie

wore 73 through 78, you assume he plays man -dinker on the man pipe.

I'm so sorry, Derek. I don't know what to say.

This whole operation reeks of impertinence.

Come on, Leonard.

We're off.

Stumble out of bed and a stubble in the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of ambition

and yawn and stretch and trap in the light.

Jump in the shower. The blood starts pumping out in the street. The traffic

jumping with folks like me on the job from nine to five.

Working nine to five.

What a way to make a living.

Morning, Martin. Morning, Georgie.

How was your Michaela's birthday party?

She had a fantastic time.

Did she ruin it for everyone else?

Attention deficit disorder under control.

It was a lovely party.

Hey, I made up for you.

Can I borrow your nice lime green highlighter?

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell you where it is.

Me and some of the other girls down at the Gateshead Softball and Racquet Club

are doing a little fundraiser next Thursday evening. Oh, another sponsored

event. What's it for this time?

We're scaling the Great North Wall for all the little folk.

Oh, right.

Which ones?

Dwarves.

Dwarves? Is that a big problem in Gateshead?

Did you know that every 40 minutes an undersized person gets asked where his

other six mates are?

I've no idea.

If you don't believe me, log on to the website, www .noimnotsittingdown .co

How much shall I put you down for?

Actually, I'm a bit short at the moment.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that.

No, I'm really sorry.

Here.

Look, there you go.

50 pence, is it?

50 pence to scale a 100 -foot rock fair for all those little tiddlers who need

steps to go to the toilet.

Dwarves don't really need charity.

Well, maybe you'd see things differently if you lived your life like this.

Babe? Oh, no!

Bet you was wondering where I was, weren't you? I've been pacing up and

like a nutter.

You know what I've done, don't you?

What's she done?

Missed the bus.

You never.

On my life. I've missed the first one. Second one was packed. Had to get the

third one.

Threw me whole schedule out of kilter. Now I'm bowling up ten minutes late like

a lunatic.

They all write a book about you.

Yeah, but who'd believe it?

You won't believe what's happened to me today.

What's happened, babe?

I'll partake this morning. I'm on my way to work.

Oh, here we go.

This.

It's a blinder.

I passed out this morning. I'm on my way to work. Did you have something to eat

on the bus?

Always have something to eat on the bus, don't I?

What did you have today, babe?

I had a packet of those mini rye beaters. Only 3 % fat, but you wouldn't

it because they're a tasty and satisfying snack and them adverts from

Doze are hilarious.

Oh, I tell you, they are.

They're very, very funny.

I mean, her head on a little skinny body, that kills me.

She is game, isn't she?

Of course, what I really wanted was a caramel magnum, but they're 350 calories

pop, and I thought, don't do it, Sam, cos you'll only regret it come Saturday

and can't get into your skinny jeans.

Good girl.

Having said that, when I got off the bus, I caved in and had a Terry's

orange.

Naughty, I know, but you're a long -time dead, ain't you?

Well, you only live once, don't you, mate?

So, anyway, I get to work, I get in the lift, I press the button, get out the

lift, I walk to me desk... I put my bag on the desk, put my coat on the desk,

put my Terry's chocolate orange wrapper on the desk, thought my desk looks

crowded.

So I put my coat on the chair, take my bag, put it on the floor, take the

Terry's chocolate orange wrapper and put it in the bin.

Well, you've eaten it already.

Oh, yeah, didn't touch the sides.

You are a one -off. Oh, no!

this time I'm bursting for the toilet, and I say, I'm just going for a wee.

And then Elaine, that new girl, she's already got her head in the TV quick,

pipes up with, you and your bladder, you want to get that seen to?

She never.

Straight up? She ain't said two words to anyone since she's been there. Now

she's announcing to the world, I've got a weak bladder.

That's a bit much, isn't it? We don't take much notice of her, to be honest.

spits when she speaks.

So anyway, I get to the door, and then all of a sudden...

And Elaine says, ain't that your mobile?

And I say, no, my mobile don't go.

My mobile goes.

And she says, well, whose mobile goes?

And I say, that's Shona's. And Shona says, no, my mobile don't go.

My mobile goes. Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Well, whose phone goes da -na -na -na, da -na -na -na, da -na -na -na -na? And

we all say... Arsenal!

Babe?

Babe?

Your phone does go da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da.

Georgie, I'm doing a fundraiser at Michaela's school to raise awareness.

I couldn't be less interested.

I'm having a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

Who wants a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

Chloe, would you like a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

Yes, please.

Imogen, Chloe and I are having gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt. Would

gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

Yes, please.

Fergus? Imagine Chloe and I are going to have gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

Would you like gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

Yum, yum.

Thomas, imagine Fergus, Chloe and I are having gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

Would you like a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

What's the matter, Thomas?

Don't you like gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?

I don't know, Mummy.

I've never tried gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt before.

Well, come on, quick sticks. Would you like to try gooseberry and cinnamon

yoghurt? I think I'll pass, Mummy.

I've only just got my head round hummus.

Everybody stop.

Put down your gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

What is it, Mummy? This yoghurt pot is dated the 9th of May.

But today's the 10th.

That can only mean... These gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt have been out of

date for 24 hours.

At least it's low -fat yoghurt.

It doesn't make any difference, Chloe.

Out -of -date low -fat yoghurt can be just as dangerous as ordinary yoghurt

fat people eat.

What can we do?

We may need to evacuate.

Mrs Taylor Thomas, I think it may be too late.

Fergus, what do you mean?

I've already eaten some of the gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

Fergus, no!

I'm afraid so.

I slurped some straight from the pot before the dessert spoons had even been

passed around.

It serves me right for being such an old greedy gobble gannet.

There must be something we can do.

There's nothing you can do, Immy. But save yourselves.

Infected dairy produce is well into my system by now.

Fergus! Amy, no.

Fergus is right.

We have to get as far away from him as possible.

Now, come on, children.

Say goodbye to Fergus.

You poor, brave boy. I'm so sorry.

Don't blame yourself, Mrs Taylor -Thomas.

Tinfoil lids are notoriously difficult to read.

I'll never forget you, Fergus.

Take my house badge to remember me by.

Don't touch it!

Perhaps we could sing something.

I'd like that.

Cup of tea, babe? Oh, yeah, lovely.

Sushi.

This is in Nagasaki.

The dirty, evil, raw fish guzzling bastard.

Is she here then?

Yeah. She arrived?

Yeah. Plane on time? Yeah.

Got here from the airport?

Yeah. Where is she?

Auntie Junie. My sister.

Yeah. From Spain?

Yeah. She's here. I know.

She arrived this morning.

I know. She flew in on an aeroplane. I know. Where is she?

She's in the fucking kitchen. What's the matter with you?

Here he is.

Hello, Auntie Junie.

He's come up to see you.

I'm a good boy.

Oh, look at you, all grown up. I remember when you was just a dinky

thing. Oh, any answer.

Any answer.

I mean, he's going to break them hearts.

Have you got a job, darling?

No, I'm at university.

You're at university?

Yeah. You're at university?

Yeah. Fucking poor...

one was taken, us, Frankie and Nellie Bassett's wedding. They went to Great

Yarmouth for their honeymoon.

That's right, and then Frankie turned over the guest house and spent the next

four years inside.

What, he went to prison?

Oh, yeah, he was in and out the nick all his life.

But then they were the first people in their street to get colour TVs, so

got to weigh it all up, haven't you?

Look, that's Jimmy Longsocks.

Oh, good old Jim.

Why was he called Longsocks?

Well, he was a very fastidious man.

He used to itch his socks right up over his knees, and they had to be exactly

the same height before he slit your throat.

What? Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, they were the last thing people saw

before, thank you very much, and that's your life.

Yeah, they wouldn't notice till they woke up in the morning. They'd look down

and they wouldn't have any Charlie Ollocks.

He was a master craftsman.

Oh, oh, look.

They gave him the grass. That must have been one of the last photos they took of

him. Why, what happened?

They chopped him up. piece by piece and posted him to famous landmarks in 15

different countries.

Still, he always said he wanted to see the world.

Yeah, but not all at once.

Who's that with you there, Junie? Oh, that?

Johnny Clownface.

Ah, Clownface was a criminal as well, was he?

No, he was a children's entertainer.

Really?

No, he did kill people.

Nan, that's terrible.

Oh, look, it was different years ago, son.

I mean, yes, they boiled people alive in vats of burning oil.

Yes, they sent people to their death in concrete slippers.

Yes, they'd cut your head off for eating one of their biscuits.

But they were very good to their mothers and you could leave your back door wide

open.

Want to, with that fucking mob running about.

Look, there's Tommy the Nostril.

Very keen sense of smell. Yeah.

There's Ronnie the Cardigan.

Oh, he likes a nice bit of knitwear.

There's Dickie Bow. You could take him anywhere.

There's Johnny Oneleg.

Always hopping.

Junie. What?

I can't believe this. What?

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

What are you going on about?

I don't know what's the matter with him. He never stops. He's not lost for a

bummer, is he?

Oh, he gives me earache. It's just rabbit, rabbit, rabbit all day fucking

Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,

rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

You've got a beautiful chin.