Original subtitles

Three double cheeseburgers, three large fries, one special salad and three diet

cokes. Would you like a dessert with that?

You get a free dessert because you've spent over £10, is it?

Actually, I think that's fine. Thank you.

Have you got everything from your server that you asked for?

Sorry, everything that I... Asked for. Is it that you've got everything from

your server that you asked for?

But is this the best that you've ever been served in a burger bar?

Sorry? Is it that I'm the best server you've ever seen in a burger bar?

Well, you're certainly very efficient.

Employee of the month, though.

Well, that's a great achievement.

I'm going to go now.

Are you employee of the month, then?

No, I'm not.

So you've never been employee of the month, then?

I'm afraid my firm of lawyers don't have employee of the month.

Well, shut up, then.

I don't work here, though. What, you're standing behind the counter?

Yeah, well, I've got a board waiting for my order.

So why are you in that uniform?

Right, it's only a uniform.

Well, why are you wearing it, then? I ain't wearing it. Right, it's got your

name on it. That ain't my name. It says Lauren.

No, it don't.

Welcome to Billy's Burger Bar. My name is Lauren.

Are you laughing at me?

Yeah, man.

Right, do you think it's funny?

Yeah, it's well funny.

Do you wash cars for a living?

What? Do you wash cars for 3 .50 an hour?

Shut up. Are your best mates at work all from Poland?

You are employee of the monster.

No, I ain't, no. But that is your photograph, mate.

No, it ain't, no. That is well bad. You are going to sell burgers for the rest

of your life.

Are you saying I'm fat?

No. Are you saying I should be American?

No, I'm not. Am I a big fat yank, though?

No, you're not. Are you calling my mum a lard ass?

No, I'm not.

Are you saying they need a crane to get my dad out of bed?

It's one o 'clock.

Lauren, it's Billy Burger hour.

Come on.

You do look like him, though.

Right. Face.

Bothered. Look. Face. Bothered. Am I bothered? No, but I ain't even bothered.

Look at my face. Look at my face. Billy Burger. Face. No, I ain't even bothered.

Polish. Car wash.

No, I ain't bothered.

Can I have a dog cheeseburger, please?

Do you want fries?

Remember what Daddy told you about sports day?

That taking part is everything.

You win with dignity and lose with pride in the knowledge that you did your

absolute best.

Remember, whatever happens here today, Mummy and Daddy are immensely proud of

you. Thank you, Mummy.

OK, darlings, now.

It's nearly time.

In perpetuo venturi.

In perpetuo venturi.

Taylor Thomas.

Imogen Fitzroy Ferguson.

In lane four, Fergus Fitzroy Ferguson.

In lane five, Amelia Harvey Henry.

Don't you dare talk about my Tommy like that. I said to her, I'll talk about

your Tommy however I like. So help me God, the lady, good for nothing,

skiving drunk.

Isn't that the truth? And then she had the audacity to call me a liar.

Mummy. Did you get any work today, son?

Aye, I picked up a bit of hard carrying down at the quarry. Good man.

Me, a liar.

I said to her, who do you think you are, hurling insults around like that?

Mummy. I've done you bacon and potatoes for your tea.

I said there's only one liar around here, and that's you, and that's no lie.

You told her, then? Indeed I did.

Mummy, I need to speak to you. Have you been fighting with the McVeigh brothers

again, Johnny?

Have you?

No, it's not that. Have you been joyriding around this estate? Because if

have, you're failing to touch the ground. No, Mummy.

Have you got Murray McCafferty's daughter in the trouble?

Mummy, please, if you just listen.

Well, would you spit it out, son? What's the matter with you?

I'm gay.

I'm a gay man.

You're a what?

I'm a gay man now, Mummy.

Are you sure?

Aye.

Great. I have a new pencil store upstairs. Come on and see if I've got

for it.

Is that you, darling?

Yeah.

Did they get off all right? All packed up and ready to go.

Oh, I will miss them.

That's the last of them now, isn't it?

Poor Lena died last year.

Don't see old Kate since she went to live with her daughter and now they've

carted poor Tommy and Dolly off to the nut house.

No, it's not a nut house. It's sheltered accommodation.

Call it what you like, love. They'll still be splashing about in their own

piddle -cum -tea time.

At least they've not split them up.

Oh, you can't split up twins, darling.

Tommy and Dolly must, though, have lived together for 60 -odd years.

Are they inseparable?

No, they ain't Siamese.

I mean, that is dreadful, that, though, isn't it, eh?

I mean, when they joined at the hip, they got half a chance, but when it's

great walloping head and two bodies hanging off it, you don't know where to

look.

it on the telly.

American pair they are.

One of them rolls about on a trolley, the other one's a country and western

singer.

I mean, fair's fair. I'm all for the Special Olympics, but I ain't got to

fucking records.

Nan, I didn't mean that. I meant, are they close?

They're stuck together at the end. How close do one of them?

I meant... Ollie and Tommy.

Oh, what? Oh, Jack. Oh, they're devoted to each other, darling.

They never lived more than ten minutes apart, even when they were married.

Oh,

we have had some laughs over the years, though, I know that much. During the

war, we was all evacuated together down to Wiltshire.

We ended up in a lovely old farmhouse with a big dummy pat back.

Oh, she was a beast, though, the woman who looked after us.

She made us leave our shoes at the door.

I'll never forget the first letter Dolly and Tommy wrote home.

It said, Mother, get us on the first train out of here. She won't let us wear

shoes in the house and there's a big pile of shit in the garden.

I didn't want.

Oh,

well, tell our tom, tell our daughter.

That's the end of an era, that is.

I'm all on my own now, aren't I?

Oh, no, they nearly forgot. They asked me to give you this.

Who is it?

A little present.

Oh, they didn't ask you to, did they?

Oh, and that kind of them.

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

Oh, that's... Choke me up, that is.

Well, look at that. That's cost a few quid, isn't it?

It's a wooden squirrel.

It's a wooden...

There's an inscription.

Some people come into our lives and go quickly.

Others stay a while, leave their footprints on our heart, and we are

the same.

Oh, they want shooting, they really do.

Man, Dolly and Tommy don't have much, but they still wanted to buy you this.

It might not be a lot, but it's a token of their gratitude for all the years of

friendship and good times you had together.

Yeah, look, I'll speak to you Monday.

OK, bye.

Damn, that is so annoying.

What's that?

Well, I'm supposed to be playing tennis tomorrow and my usual partner's just let

me down.

I've got a big tournament next week and I need someone really good to practice

with.

I can do that.

Really? You play?

Yeah. You free tomorrow?

Yeah. Great.

Let's just have a quick knock -up.

Yeah, just a minute.

I shouldn't have eaten that mashed potato.

Sorry,

what balls are you playing with?

Tennis.

Yeah, I thought so.

Out.

Have you ever played tennis before?

Yeah.

Can I have a go at firing one now?

Oh,

you can't miss it from there, are we?

John?

John?

John?

He's nice, isn't he, John?

Go on. Are you blind or what?

John.

John.

Oh, he is nice.

Dear him, John.

Do you hear about our John Kieran?

He's a gay mom now.

Aye, I know.

Fifteen million he's worth. Aye, right.

John, would you look at the buns on her?

I would.

Would you give over? Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I think about sex all

time. Now, would you calm down and let us watch the match?

I bet he's got a really nice...

Oh, it was lovely.

Michaela had her school play.

How did she do?

Cos I was worried about her, what with her being remedial and borderline

dyslexic.

She was great, and she looked so cute in a little fairy costume.

I couldn't be happier for you.

Can I borrow your nice red biro?

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell you where it is.

Some of the other girls down at the Union of Catholic Mothers are doing a

fundraiser. Oh, another one.

I'm doing a fun run, dressed as a bottle of Cinzano.

For all the little battered husbands of Gateshead.

Battered husbands?

Is that a serious problem in Gateshead?

Did you know that every 38 minutes, some poor little fella, who and his wife...

Calls his name, cowers in a corner and shits his pants.

Wow, I didn't know that.

If you don't believe me, log on to the website, www .chinnedbythemisses .co

No, I do believe you. How far are you running?

42 miles.

42 miles?

It's not far, pet.

Not when you think of all those poor little chaps whose only thanks for

away the breakfast dishes is a bottle in the face.

How much shall I put you down for?

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, put me down for 10p a mile.

10p a mile.

£4 .20.

To lug an eight -foot fiberglass bottle of Cinzano.

42 miles.

For all those poor wee lads who cannae stand up to their missus cos they know

their heart they're as soft as shite.

Right, yeah, see what you mean.

20 pence, then?

£8 .40.

It's just that... No, £8 .40 it is, Pess. It's all I can afford. Let's say

more about it cos I wouldn't want it to come between us.

Now you know what it feels like.

Don't think we don't know what you've been saying, Boris, behind our backs

either. Right.

Well, Rosemary.

Well, Kathleen.

Will you be marching with us on Sunday, Rosemary?

Aye, we'll show the bastard.

How's your Martin?

Fine. He'll be out soon, no doubt.

Fifteen years?

Aye. Well, he's a hard man, but he's a principled man.

Aye, he is that.

Did you hear about our John?

He's a gay man now.

Is that so?

Pop round later, John.

We've just had new tongue and groove in our bathroom. You will die.

Mind if I join you?

No, of course not.

You finally got out of your meeting, then. Yeah.

I don't believe this.

What's wrong?

One of our curling teams just dropped out of tonight's match.

Oh, no, it's a really important game as well.

I can do that.

You're a curler?

Yeah.

My friends are quite good.

Great.

OK, I'm only going to play enough weight...

12 foot 28 be enough weight, do you think? Yeah.

Dear John's a gay man now.

Aye.

What of it?

Right.

Do these turn -ups work with these boots?

So, who are we visiting today?

Teddy Morris, innit?

I've told you about him a thousand times. What a character.

I've had some laughs over the years.

He'd have us in stitches.

What a mimic.

He could take anyone off. It was like they were sitting in the room next to

His chairman Mao was uncanny.

He could have turned professional, you know, but of course he didn't need to.

He was one of the finest paedophiles in London.

What? Oh, what he didn't know about feet was no -one's feet.

I'll come up and see you, don't I?

Oh, right.

I really love it to see you. Oh, dear.

Oh, go on then, now.

Oh, here he goes. Oh, of course.

Go and have a pony.

And son Jamie. Go on, show him your chairman mail.

Why don't you see this?

It's far clear.

Oh, well.

Oh, never mind. Let's come back tomorrow. Poor son's exhausted.

Here, give him the present.

Here, I won't wait, you two. I'll leave the present there, sweetheart. I'll see

you soon.

God bless, sweetheart.

Excuse me, darling.

Mr. Morris has fallen asleep, but we left a lovely present there for him.

you make sure he gets it? Of course.

Must have blasted your sweat up.

Lady Mayor.

Nurse. Nurse.

Do you know where my visitors went?

Well, you fell asleep, Mr. Morris, so they've gone home.

Oh. But they've left you a present.

Oh, really?

Oh, a present.

Oh. Oh.

Good.

Come into our lives and go quickly.

Others stay a while, leave their footprints on our heart, and we are

the same.

What a fucking liberty.

Oh, no.

Jesus. Are you all right?

No, I'm having a bit of a nightmare, actually.

What's the matter?

Well, I've got all the intellectual CEOs from around the world in this room.

In ten minutes, the annual summit's supposed to take place.

They've thrown thousands of miles to get here and my translator hasn't turned

up.

I need to find someone who can translate into seven different languages.

Well, I can do that.

Yeah, I did a TEFL in my gap year.

Welcome back to London, ladies and gentlemen. This is Helen Marsh, who'll

interpreter today.

So, without further ado, let's address... Section 1 .1. Multinational

profiteering for the financial year 2005 -2006.

Helen.

Hurdy -gurdy -gurdy.

I don't know.

my sandwich.