Original subtitles

This is my favourite. You've seen this. Have a look.

Del Boy.

He's grown a moustache and become a policeman.

Where's a little pork pie hat and a Macintosh? Oh, he does look shy.

A touch of frost.

Who is it?

A touch of frost.

Well, put the fire on then, you silly bastard.

Now, you see, what it is, Gavin, is step, kick, step, kick, hands, hands,

hugs. You see, it's all in the mystic.

Hey, everybody, sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Can you settle down?

I'm afraid we've no time for a warm -up tonight. We're going to crack straight

on. Based on your improvisations last week, I've cast the Christmas pantomime

the following manner.

Julie Wishall, Cinderella.

Gavin Nelson, Prince Charming.

Leonard Mincing, Baron Harder.

And Wallace, the Ugly Sisters.

Pat and Roz, the Comedy Policemen.

And finally, Judy Warrington will be Prompt Corner again. Sorry, Judy.

And everybody else will be Magical Animals in the Musical Forest. Can you

that everybody gets the script?

Excuse me.

Yes, Derek.

I think there seems to be some sort of mistake, dear. Being a senior member of

the Gillies All Players, I think you'll find I usually take quite a large part,

if you follow my meaning.

Oh, I'm sorry, Derek. I missed you out.

Of course you have a main character.

Yes, here you are. You're playing the Christmas Fairy.

I beg pardon?

You're the Christmas Fairy.

What on earth are you insinuating?

I'm not insinuating anything.

Oh, my goodness.

You don't for a second think this has anything to do with you being gay, do

You've been given the part purely on your brilliant improvisation last week.

I beg your pardon?

I said you were given the part purely based on your improvisation.

Yes, I heard that bit. And it has nothing to do with you being gay.

I've never been so insulted.

You mean you're not gay?

Oh, dear me, dear gay, dear no, dear.

Just because a man shapes his eyebrows and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey, you

accuse him of parking his bike up the dirt track.

How very dare you.

Sorry, Derek, I don't know what to say.

I thought you were gay, Derek.

Yeah, I always thought you were gay.

I think I've been over backwards for you lot.

She thought you were gay. You say you're not. What's the problem?

Who invited you to the party, dear?

I'm just saying, I don't see why you should be so offended just because

thinks you're gay.

No, well, it's not your name and reputation being besmirched all over the

is it, dear?

Well, I'm very proud to be a gay man.

Who do you, dear? Gay, dear? Yes, dear, I can well believe it.

And what's wrong with that?

Look, dear.

You may choose to spend your time waving your ding -dong to other men in public

toilets, but we don't need it shoved down our throats.

I think we've heard enough. As director of this group, I... Director, don't make

me laugh. You couldn't direct piss into a bucket, did you?

No, I've had enough.

Pardon, you've got another thing coming.

Come on, Leonard, we're off.

Ali! Hello, Mark.

Fabulous party.

Well, a party's only as good as its guests.

Have you met Simon?

No, hello, I'm Ali. Hello, I'm Simon Green. I'm managing director of Popsons.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm just on my way to the kitchen. Can I get anyone a drink?

Yeah, I'll have a lager. Yeah, I'll have a Coke, thanks.

Okay, would you like me to take your hat?

I'm sorry?

Would you like me to hang your hat up? It's getting quite warm in here.

I'm not wearing a hat.

Orange juice?

Un jus d 'orange.

Ain't you nervous?

Totally.

Really, though, ain't you nervous?

No, man, I'm sweet.

You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow, cos opportunity comes

once in a lifetime.

Yo.

We are so going to win this.

Million pound recording contract, can you believe it?

That is fierce.

All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right? Hello, everybody.

My name's Richard Park.

Delighted to see you all here.

I think without very much more ado, I'd like to get on with the action, if you

don't mind.

First off, it's going to be Lauren Cooper, Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.

Hi, guys.

All right.

We are the Fly Girl Collective featuring MC Perkins. Big it up, big it up, big

it up.

In your own time.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity.

And for blessing us with this talent and for delivering us into the final amen.

Keep it real.

Easy.

with artists all over the world for many, many years.

Seen some really good ones, some great ones, and some bad ones as well.

However, that was simply the worst thing I have ever seen.

watch my own feet burn, sitting in my own feces, being force -fed my

rather than hear that song again.

Your name?

MC Perkins.

MC Perkins. I thought, actually, you handled the rap quite well.

Uh, Lisa?

It's in.

It's in.

Lisa, it was all right. And Lauren, is it?

Fly girl Lauren from the Fly Girl Collective.

Can't sing.

You can't dance.

You've got no image. You sound like a stabbed cat.

You're a disgrace to singing.

You're a disgrace to music.

Actually, you're a disgrace to this school.

Am I bothered?

You should be bothered. Well, I ain't bothered.

You are bothered. You must be. Why would you go... No, I ain't even bothered. Do

I look bothered?

Well, why would you go... Are you Simon Cowell? What?

You ain't even Simon Cowell.

Look, what...

What's that got to do with it?

I'm giving you advice. Do you like Patrick Kielty?

I do not. Are you Patrick Kielty's bitch?

What?

I'm a pop item. I've got what it takes, mate. Do you manage Will Young?

Who's Alex Park?

Do you manage Will Young?

Oh, Will Young.

Yes, you are. You'd like to be here.

Look.

I'm not bothered that you're not bothered. What I'd like you to do is

yourself and your little friends off the stage. I'm going to carry on here and

I'm going to continue this search for real talent.

Turning the lights on now then, Margaret.

Oh, now do it.

You ready then?

Yes, yes.

Turning them on now, dear.

Michael, for goodness.

So we're doing a bit of last -minute Christmas shopping.

Listen to this.

And generally, when we're in town at Christmas, we'll have a Christmas dinner

Darley's, won't we?

Yeah. It's a pound more than the carvery, but, I mean, that time of year,

everybody goes a bit mad, don't they?

So listen to Darley's. Listen to this.

And my sister Betty's in there with her husband Laurie.

Well, you went mad, didn't you?

The son of 23 and P's the bed. I ain't got time for him.

So we thought we might as well try the food courts at the Prospect Centre,

didn't we?

Famous last words.

So we get them for the food courts and they're not doing Christmas dinner, are

they?

17th of November and they're not doing Christmas dinner.

Signs up saying the council won't let them sell Christmas dinner till

Well, I mean, it's political correctness gone mad, isn't it?

So earlier, we'd been given one of those... buy one, get one free voucher,

know, for the food court.

This is unbelievable.

So they said, that's fine, but it's only redeemable at one counter.

Taste of the Caribbean.

Don't ask.

Ray said they only did that to see if he were a racist, but he called their

bluff, didn't you?

How can I be a racist?

My great -grandfather was a midget.

So, we get this Caribbean food, don't we?

Listen to me.

Caribbean curry and... What were the name of that thing, was it?

Plantain.

And you'll never guess what were in the curry.

What meat they'd used to make the curry with.

Now, this is unbelievable.

Good.

They've made curry with a goat.

Goat? Curry?

They've made curry out of a goat.

Dirty bastard.

That's been it.

Tell them what them plantains were.

Fried banana.

This is in Cleethorpe.

Curry and fried bananas.

I was looking for Jeremy Beadle.

Fried bananas and goat curry, £8 .50.

And that was with the voucher.

The dirty, evil, robbing band.

No more votes.

panic button by mistake.

I did. I did press.

Yeah, I know. To be honest with you, it's only supposed to be used in

emergencies. If you just let it go, I'll put it back.

Let it go, love. Let it go. Let it go.

Right,

now I think what we need is a bit of fresh air, don't we?

That's it.

Mind how you go now.

Oh, my God, mince pies.

Deep fins.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, hello.

Do you know where Mrs. Jacobs is?

Oh, you dismissed her. Is anything important?

Well, I was meant to give her these pills, but I forgot.

Where was she supposed to take them? Tuesday.

Oh.

It's only Thursday now. I wasn't worried. Oh, I'm all over the place

I got lost twice. I was late for my rounds, and I keep forgetting to

the medication.

Something tells me you're new.

How did you know?

Oh, God, I've been a nurse for a long time. You know, you just sort of pick

these things up, you know what I mean?

Do you want to help me make a bed?

I'm Arthur.

No, Arthur.

That's a bit of an unusual name.

Not often you see a female nurse with a man's name.

Arthur's my surname. I just prefer it.

Oh, you mad bitch.

You've probably seen me looking at you in the canteen.

Oh, well, a lot of the nurses look up to me. What can I say? I suppose I'm a bit

of a role model to them, you know, but if you've got it, flaunt it.

Oh, you've definitely got it, Manny.

Oh, thanks, Arthur. That's sweet.

At first, I wasn't sure whether you'd be up for...

A bit of fun.

Oh, well, you've got to, haven't you? I mean, you can get too bogged down in the

whole saving lives thing round here.

Actually, I was thinking of going out tonight. Fanted a bit of karaoke.

What do you say?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I love singing!

When I'm stuck with the day...

personality to match.

I know you feel the same way, Bernie. No, I think you've got me wrong,

Arthur. You know, I mean, I've got nothing against the old moth munchers,

Oh, it's not really my sort of thing, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I like

bit of patsy climb, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.

Nurse Bernadette!

I thought I'd seen everything, but now you're seducing the female staff.

No, sister, I can actually explain.

gone through all the men in this hospital?

Well, not all of them. There's a couple of lads in A &E I went to.

Both of you, in my office, now.

You can't sack us just because we're gay. That's right.

What you choose to get up to in the privacy of your own homes is entirely up

you. But you can't... Now, wait a minute.

You're not lumping me in the same category as this mad fanny basher.

Your sexuality is not the issue here. Oh, yes, it's blood.

Here we go. This looks like a man.

Oh, no, ma 'am. That's not him. And how do you know that?

Because that's not him.

That's not my involvement.

So what have you got for us?

What? Come on, I haven't got all day. Tony Bonito, where is he? I need an

address. Ma 'am, if you... When I need your help, I'll ask for it, OK?

I've been dealing with scum like this since you were in that place.

Bonito, where is he?

I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about.

Well, perhaps this will help you think more clearly.

Well, I need one address in this London, so name your price.

200?

300?

Okay, this is my final offer.

400.

Whittaker, I know.

My methods are somewhat unorthodox. What can I say?

Sue me.

Always for one address in North London.

I think he lives in Holloway.

Yeah, Flat 1 Holloway Road.

Flat 1 Holloway Road. I think that's where he lives.

And I think we finally understand each other.

Now move it. I don't want to see your face around here again.

You see, Whittaker, the red ant can lift eight times its own body weight.

Yet it can take Eamon Holmes 20 minutes to get up out of an easy chair.

I'm sorry, but I've been working for two months to corner Tony Benito.

My informer has never let me down before.

But thanks to you, we probably saw all that going on, did a runner, and now

never hear from him again.

What's the matter, you? Hey, guy.

One word.

Haggis.

This is on New Year's.

You won't believe this one.

This one is unbelievable.

Come on, what's happening?

So you go to Santa?

Yeah, you know, where we all put our name in a hat and then we all draw out

name and buy a present for that person.

Except now we ain't allowed to spend more than a fiver since last year Gabe

Simon's bought Lisa a nice pair of gloves and that bloke in the car's got

right arm because he said that makes him look tight and he didn't even know the

person he was supposed to buy for and he thinks it's a stupid game anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember, yeah.

Well, this year, I've only pulled Shelley out of the hat.

No!

Not Shelley!

I know!

I thought that's all I need, isn't it, after last year's fiasco?

What happened last year, babe?

Well, she got really excited because she wanted the best of Jamie Cullum, but

she ended up with a bumper pack of Inlet, which is a bit much because she

five o 'clock shadow at the best of times.

Nightmare! I know, we were treading on eggshells all year.

So what did you do?

Well, I thought, what am I going to do? But anyway, it turns out it's right.

Because last week, she turned to me and she said, here, Sam, if Secret Santa

ain't sure what to get me, tell him I want a pair of big silver -roof earrings

like Christina Reguilera.

So I've bought the earrings, I've wrapped up the earrings, I've put the

under the tree.

And inside, we're all unwrapping our presents.

What's happened now?

Shelley's got her present. She's unwrapped it. She's opened it. She's

one look. She said, cheers, babe, but I don't smoke.

Don't smoke?

What's she on about?

I thought, what's she on about?

And then I've looked over and she's only holding a packet of cigars.

What's she doing with it?

You know what I've done, don't you? I've only mixed up her earrings with those

cigars I was going to give to you.

is going to lock you up one day. Bang me right up, won't they? What are you

like? I'm a lunatic!

Who is Christina Aguilera?

Oh, hello!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You hear something.

Oh, isn't it beautiful, eh?

Oh, and they've done it up lovely, eh?

Oh, have a look who it is. Hello, Shazzy, darling, how are you? Oh, are

looking after you?

Oh, have a look, it's Jimmy.

Jimmy, love, I didn't expect to see you here today.

Feeling better?

Fighting fit.

Maggie Johnson, there's a surprise.

How do you like this then, Maggie?

Isn't it lovely, eh?

Good luck to you.

We'll drink with you later, sweetheart.

That's it. Oh, isn't it lovely? Oh, yes, sweetheart.

Oh, isn't it lovely? You see all the old faces, eh?

Don't they fucking stink?

Oh, God.

I'm, uh... I'm so glad you could make it, Mrs Taylor.

Nice to see you, Jamie.

Can I get you both a nice cup of tea?

Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling. He drinks it all day. He ain't got a

job, see.

Yes, please, two sugars for both of us. I'll take that.

Here.

Have you seen the state of the people in here?

I don't know where they come from, really, I don't. I ain't never seen a

like it.

I mean, have a look, that woman over there, she's got head the size of a pig.

They're volunteers.

Don't be so rude. That's Malcolm. You know him. He usually wears a prosthetic

hand. He must be having a new one made.

Well, you'd think he'd have the decency to stay at home till he had it done.

I shouldn't have to look at that.

I mean, fair's fair. It's Christmas, not fucking Halloween.

touching that muck.

Actually, it's a Gordon Ramsay recipe.

Who is it?

Gordon Ramsay.

Well, that fellow off the telly who don't stop swearing.

No. Oh, no, I can't watch him.

F in this and F in that.

No, no, that's diabolical, that is.

£126 I pay.

£126 I pay for a television licence to listen to that.

Nan, you're a pensioner. You don't pay for your TV licence. Yes, I know that,

but I've still got to listen to him swearing, haven't I?

Gold netting, Ramsay.

What a fucking... Jamie,

would you mind helping me with the sound system?

Sure, you'll be all right, Nan.

Malcolm, do you want to come and sit with Mrs Taylor for a while?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Malcolm's our administrator.

Good to see you.

Do you know, we've got a real mixed bag of people here today.

Yeah, don't we just?

I think the news of our celebrity guests must have leaked out, you know. I've

never seen so many people here.

Yeah, isn't it lovely?

Father Elliot asked me to help with the PA system, but I'm afraid at the moment

things like that can be a bit fiddly for me.

Oh, yeah, what's that, son?

This really?

Oh, I can't say I noticed that. Really?

Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit old -fashioned like that. You know, I tend not to

judge people by the way they look.

That was quick.

Yep, we're all up and running.

Nan, this is Charlotte. She's going to be singing today.

Hello. Oh, hello, darling.

Hello, Charlotte. I'm Malcolm. We met before.

It's really nice to see you again, Charlotte. I really do appreciate you

We've all been really so excited.

Mrs Taylor, I hope you enjoy your day.

Yeah, well, we ain't staying all day.

Nan, you know who this is, don't you?

Charlotte Church.

Yeah, you said, yeah, it's always lovely to meet you, Charlotte.

No, Nan, it's Charlotte Church.

Do you remember?

Charlotte Church.

Of course I fucking remember. You only told me a minute ago.

No, Nan, Charlotte's the singer you like.

Singer?

Have a look.

I'm a Charlotte Church.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, don't you look beautiful, darling?

Oh, Ed, I remember when you was a little girl and you used to sing all them

little opera songs.

Oh, I must say, you look beautiful.

in real life. Thank you very much. Because every time I see you in them

magazines, you're as pissed as arse, aren't you?

I

mean,

everywhere you look, there's photographs of you rolling around.

liver of a wino.

I'm surprised you're paying time to come here tonight, darling, because I

thought you spent most of your time falling out of clubs.

Well, actually, I spend most of my time singing.

Oh, well, I expect you do, sweetheart, because my friend Jeannie, yeah, she

likes a shant.

She usually gives everyone a song when she gets flattered.

Stuffing the magazines is just an image the press has created for Charlotte.

No, your Nana's right. I do like a drink. Maybe once I've done my bit, we

all have a bevy together later?

Oh, that's lovely, Freda. I tell you what, you go and sing your song, and

after that, you two lovebirds can have a last little drink on your own. No

interruptions. That's it.

No, please.

I'm sorry, I've got a boyfriend.

Yeah, we think he probably has as well.

Hello. Would you all please welcome to St Thomas' Community Centre, Miss

Charlotte Church.

Hi, darling.

Why do you always put me in embarrassing situations?

Embarrassing situations? You want to talk, running off with celebrities?

I'm sat there with metal fucking mickers.