All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s02e06

How was your holiday?

Oh, it was fantastic.

Ali's just come back from Greece.

Oh, we were there at the beginning of
June.

No! Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it?

Yeah, I've been loads, but it's the
first time I've taken Nick.

Oh, God, you went together?

Yeah.

Do you know, I think that is fantastic.

I'd never go on holiday with my mum.

Holly's not my mum. She's my girlfriend.

What?

Why?

Yeah, good.

Because I didn't mean you looked older
than him. No, no, I didn't.

You look... You look taller than him.

You just seem a bit taller than him.

Which is odd, isn't it? Given that
you're shorter than him. Odd in a good

God.

Right out.

Burning like fire.

Well, you won't believe this one.

This one is unbelievable.

About three weeks ago, we were in Leeds.
We'd been to see our brother.

Don't ask.

Anyhow, we were on our way back and we
thought we'd stop for the pub lunch.

What was that pub called? No idea.

Anyhow, we get the thing.

Listen to this.

And they were all from Thailand, weren't
they? Not the customers.

The people doing the food. All of them?

From Thailand?

Chinese, basically.

You went mad, didn't you?

All I wanted, right, were fish and
chips.

Maybe a pie.

But all they did... Was this Thai food?

Food from Thailand.

This is in Leeds.

So you asked if they did chips, didn't
you?

Now, you tell me somewhere that doesn't
do chips. No chips.

Well, you went mad, didn't you?

I'm only flesh and blood.

So the woman says, why don't you try
vegetable... What were it called?

Tempura.

So we've ordered two of them.

It's all like a shandy, isn't it?

Just half each.

Well, this tempura stuff arrived, didn't
it?

This is unbelievable.

Well, you were absolutely mad, didn't
you?

Do you know what it is? Hey, this
tempura, like, shall I tell you?

Battered veg.

You couldn't believe it, could you?

Battered veg.

Not with it.

Veg.

Well, actually, there was something with
it, wasn't there? Oh, listen to this.

Spicy jam.

Seriously?

Little blob of jam? Jam?

Like that?

But spicy.

Battered veg with spicy jam.

Dirty bastard.

That's not the best bit.

Oh, two plates of battered veg.

a spicy jam like that, two lager
shandies?

Half. £11 .40.

Not even packed.

£11 .40 for battered veg.

Dirty, evil, robbing batter.

£5 and another five makes ten. Thank
you.

Morning. How are we today?

Morning, Derek. Oh, you know, can't
complain.

Do you want to pay for your papers?

Yes, please, Vivienne.

Who were you yesterday?

Mother and I had a little day out.

Oh, lovely.

That's £6, please, Derek.

And these as well?

Er, yes.

£2 .50 and £1 .50. Right, that's £10. Be
back here, please, Derek.

Thank you.

Derek, can I ask your advice on
something?

Oh, dear me, dear. Advice, dear. Yes,
dear.

It's a bit delicate.

Well, you know me, dear. I'm discretion
personified.

It's Paul, our eldest.

Well, he's... Well, we think he might be
gay.

I see.

In your experience,

do you think we should ask him or do you
think we should wait for him to tell

us? What do you mean, in my experience?

Well, did you tell your mother you were
gay?

Or did she know already?

I beg pardon?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.

How very dare you.

How very dare you.

I've been coming in this shop for 25
years and I've never been so imploded.

Derek, I'm sorry.

I've just always assumed.

Just because a man wears a little bit of
foundation and totes out...

You automatically accuse him of hiding
the sausage.

Well, I find you impertinent.

I don't know what to say. You're just
always assumed.

How? Every day.

I forgot Mother's magazines.

They're here. Wildlife, countryside
and... Hot muscle?

She's been very ill.

You've been to China, haven't you?

No.

China? No, I've never been to China.

Incredible language.

Chinese. Hmm.

Sounds a bit like that, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Listen, I've really got to get on with
this. No.

Do you know, there are no swear words in
the Chinese language.

Right.

We were having a conversation about
swearing in the workplace at lunch. Were

you? Yeah, a really good conversation,
actually.

I'm sure. Look, I'm not being rude, but
I've really got to finish there.

Guess which swear word people find most
offensive.

Go on,

guess which swear word people in this
office... find the most offensive?

Well, I really wouldn't know.

Of course you wouldn't. That's what
makes guessing such a brilliant game.

Come on. Well, I don't swear very much.
It doesn't matter. Join in the game.

I suppose it depends on the individual.

Come on. Which swear word did everyone
in this office collectively find the

offensive? I haven't a clue.

Just take a bloody...

Two swear words, not one, so try again.

I think it might be hyphenated. Come on!

Willie.

Willie?

Willie, I said the most offensive swear
word in the office, not the playground.

No, come on!

Potter. No! Pot pot. No!

Pot dot.

Are you sure people in this office use
that word? I've never heard them.

That's because they're usually talking
about you, not to you.

Thank you for coming, Annie. Take a
seat.

So, what's the problem this time?

Annie, I think you know.

Your methods of late have become
somewhat unorthodox.

I get results, Robert, and I save lives.

You overruled the decisions of two
senior doctors.

I saved the lives of three people who
would otherwise have died had I been too

polite to intervene.

You're making enemies around here,
Annie. I'd be careful if I were you.

Sonny, I thought I was making a
difference.

For what it's worth, I think you're one
of the most talented doctors to come to

this hospital in a long time.

But my advice, don't be a maverick.

Of course I know what all this is really
about.

It's because I'm a woman.

Okay, guys, that's a wrap.

We'll pick it up on Monday.

Market, action.

For what it's worth, I think you're one
of the most talented doctors to come to

this hospital in a long time.

But my advice, don't be a maverick.

Of course, I know what all this is
really about.

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on, Robert.

If Jack Morgan had done this or any
other junior doctor for that matter,

have been applauded. This isn't about
hospital policy or protocol.

This is about fashion double standards.

For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.
It's no such thing. Open your eyes,

Robert. It happens all the time.

You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism.

Okay, let's hold it there. George,
George, we're losing your eye line.

Let's pick it up.

For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.

It's no such thing.

Oh, open your eyes, Robert. It happens
all the time.

You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism. You

and stop me.

I'm going to drag this hospital into
the... It's the last thing I do.

What are you doing?

Hold it there. George, George.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Mark it.

Action. Frankly.

Are you behaved? I think you're getting
off lightly with a warning.

Annie.

Annie, a minute.

I... Did

you

see that thing on last night about
plastic surgery?

Did you see that?

Oh, my God, that was well bad. I thought
I was going to be sick off stomach.

Did you see that woman having
liposuction, though?

Did you see how they get it out, though?

Oh, my God, did you see it, though?

That big metal contraption thing, they
stuck it in her bum and it's sucking out

the flubber.

On it no more.

Did you see how much it cost, though?

Did you see it, though? £3 ,000.

Can you believe it?

Definitely getting that when I'm older.

Better start saving now, then, innit?

Hello, girls.

All right.

Why aren't you outside? It's a nice day,
you know.

If you don't mind me joining you, I need
to prep for my next lesson.

That's fine.

I like your trainers, sir.

Thank you.

Where'd you get them?

I bought them in New York.

Is it?

Have you got a lot of shoes, sir?

A few pairs.

Are you gay, sir?

Lauren, please.

Are you gay, though, sir?

No, of course I'm not gay.

Are you homophobic, sir?

What? Are you homophobic, sir?

No, of course not.

So you're gay, then?

Do your friends know you're gay?

Oh, for goodness sake, not.

Are you their funny gay friend, sir?

Oh, I don't know.

Do you know Graham Norton, sir?

Graham Norton's bitch, sir.

Do you love him, sir?

No, Lauren, I don't love Graham Norton.

Did Graham Norton break your heart, sir?

Lauren, I'm actually married with two
children.

Are you in the closet, sir?

For God's sake. Come out of the closet,
sir. Lauren. You should come out of the

closet, though. Lauren, please.

It's only fair on your wife.

I'm warning you. Is your wife a lesbian,
sir?

I'm getting angry now.

Are you a militant gay, sir?

What? You're going on marches. Lauren,
for God's sake, how many times... I'm

gay. Are you homophobic, sir?

You don't even know what homophobic
means.

I don't need to. I ain't gay.

Oh, I...

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

This sort of behaviour is totally
unacceptable. And you, you young lady,

operating on very thin ice. And believe
you me, you are this far away from being

expelled.

I'm above it.

Lauren, please.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Lauren, listen to me. Look at my face.

Are you looking at my face?

Are you bothered?

You sound ridiculous.

You sound gay.

What do you think your friends really
think of you? I don't care because I'm

bothered. For goodness sake.

Look.

Shut that door. Shut that door.

I'm free.

so disappointed in you.

When everyone else in this school had
given up hope on you, I was the only one

prepared to give you another chance.

Unlike you, I am bothered.

I feel let down and, well, to be honest,
I'm a little bit hurt.

You are gay, sir.

You are not going to believe what's
happened to me today.

What have you done?

I'm not joking.

You are going to die when you hear what
I did.

What's happened?

I can't tell you. Why not?

Because you're going to die.

Tell me what you've done.

This morning, right, I've gone down the
shop by the bus stop to get some milk.

You know what I do sometimes when we run
out of milk.

The man behind the counter says, that's
3 .25, please. And I thought, hold on, 3

.25 for two pints of milk? That's a bit
steep, isn't it?

Then I've looked down. I'm only holding
a Marie Claire Erin Beauty and a Caramel

Whisper.

What are you like?

a fiver, he looks at me and he says...
What's he say?

He says, I can't take this, love.

He can't take it? He says, this ain't a
fiver.

It ain't a fiver?

It weren't a fiver.

It weren't a fiver?

It weren't a fiver. You know what I've
done, don't you?

What have you done?

I've opened me purse to give him the
money.

I've pulled out a no.

I've given him the no.

He's taken the no.

I'm standing waiting for me change.

He's given me one look. He's staring at
the no. He said, I can't take this. I

said, what do you mean you can't take
this?

He said, this ain't a fiver. This is
five euros.

Well, you've given him five euros.

I've given him five euros.

Yeah, well, it's an easy mistake to
make.

Don Zangino is with Shelley and that new
girl who sits by the machine.

Don't really like her, but she brought
in panettone cake on her first day and

everyone deserves a chance.

So we get to the counter and Shelley
says, I think I'm going to have one of

buffalo mozzarella sandwiches. And I
said, I think I will too, as it goes.

The new girl couldn't make up her mind,
so we just left her there. I mean, I'm

not Nelson Mandela.

I get back to me desk.

Yeah. I sit down, I open me bag.

Yeah. You'll never guess what's in my
sandwich. Sandwich? What?

Egg and cress.

No!

My life, I've picked up an egg and cress
instead of buffalo mozzarella.

Yeah, well, you picked up the wrong one.

You can have it.

Here,

Sam.

Chris, you thought you was getting
buffalo mozzarella.

What is buffalo mozzarella?

A dirty bastard.

Oh, thank you. I bought it last week.

Ali! Hello, I heard you were here.

Yeah, do you know David?

No.

Sorry, can you tell him I didn't mean...
You can tell him yourself.

Right.

So... Hello.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

Downstairs.

My boyfriend got a pay rise.

37 ,500 a year, plus perks, plus a
company car.

Did you bring me up, me bitch?

Madeira cake.

Oh, that's it. Lovely.

Oh, I just fancied a bit of Madeira
cake. You don't mind, do you, love?

Of course not.

Oh, that's it. Look at that. I'll have a
go at that later.

What are you laughing for?

Oh, God knows.

You've been drinking?

I might have had a life or three. What's
it got to do with...

I'll make you a nice bacon sandwich, if
you like.

I'm all right, thanks, Nan. I don't
mind.

Throw a couple of rashers in the pan, a
bit of fat, crisp it up, butter a few

slices. You can have it with that nice
red sauce you like.

Nan, I don't want anything.

What do you want, Nan? A bit of
coleslaw?

I want a cup of tea.

I can't be messing about with cups of
tea, Nan.

It ain't a hotel.

Here, I'll tell you what I saw.

Oh, I'll tell you what I saw today.

into it. I haven't seen him in years.
What a smashing fella.

Who's that?

Who's what?

In the post office?

Yeah, I was in there this morning.

Who did you see in there?

Yeah, I tell you, I saw him there.

Young Tommy Upson.

Who's Tommy Upson?

Who?

Tommy Upson.

I saw him in the post office this
morning.

See, you've got plenty of loo rolls in
there.

36, I counted.

Yeah, well, they don't eat nothing, do
they?

I can't stand it. You go to someone's
house for a pony and you've got to

your wipes.

You never have to roll back up here,
Tom, and I mean that sincerely.

There you are. Go on, sweetheart. Sit
back down.

There's a drink there.

There you are, Tom.

There's my Diane's boy, Jamie. Hello,
Sam. Nice to meet you. He's home early,

hasn't he got a job?

We tried everything. He ain't
interested.

I'm at university.

Oh, that's right.

Your nan says something about you being
gay.

I'm not gay. I've got a girlfriend.

Very plain girl she is. But then again,
he is short.

My brother, he had a gay dog.

Oh, you're Billy?

Yeah, that's right.

Cost him a fortune in vets bills.

A gay dog?

No, not gay.

Um, diabetic.

kind of disability.

Being gay isn't a disability.

Well, it ain't exactly helping you in
getting a job, has it?

I don't want to get out and push, son.

When I was your age, I was up to me
eyeballs in the shit.

Three kids to feed and a Welsh dresser
to pay for.

I've no time for reading. My wife, Lily,
she was a grafter. Very hard

working woman, she was.

I was blessed every day that I was with
her.

She used to model herself on Coco
Chanel.

She always wore a matching hat, shoes,
gloves and bag.

Not a lot of people can pull off a look
like that in a motorised wheelchair.

She's got a lot of style, I'll say that
about her. I can't believe she's gone.

She's with you, darling. She's always
there.

In your arms. Oh, I know.

I know she is.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't get upset, sweetheart, cos
you'll start me off.

When you're weary... LAUGHTER ..feeling
small... Go on, now.

..when tears are...

He wouldn't want to see you like this,
would he?

No, he wouldn't want to see me upset,
no.

Actually... I'm going to go.

There's a feature length tagger on
tonight.

Well,

you know where I am, sweetheart. I know
where you are.

Hello. Hello, darling. Take care.

Look after a gay boy.