All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s02e03

This must be her.

Afternoon, Angie Barker, the new DI.
This is Dia Harris.

Ma 'am, sir.

And these are...? Never seen a working
mother before, Constable.

All right, what have we got?

A body of a woman, late 30s. We think
she might be a local... ..prostitute.

OK, let's take a look. Come on. Come on,
let's see the dead lady.

Right, do you know how she died?

Er, several wounds to the torso.

Looks like a nine.

Multiple entry wound.

Looks like quite a frenzied attack.

Jessica, no jumping on the body, please.

Any sign of a murder weapon?

Er, we've not found anything yet.

Do we know how long she's been dead?

Police surgeon reckons no more than a
couple of hours.

Give me that stick, so we may have some
witnesses.

A local lady says she might have seen a
white saloon car driving away at speed

sometime after midday.

Problem, Constable?

Your little girl's hanging off my
jacket, ma 'am.

Really? You want to try taking an oral
swab from a 75 -year -old rape victim

whilst changing a dirty nappy, checking
two sets of homework and looking for

Barbie's cocktail handbag?

Now, that's a tough shift.

Ma 'am.

Right, Harris. I want a complete house
-to -house within a one -mile radius.

A cross -reference check on every
convicted sex attacker in this area in

last five years and a flask of boiling
water.

Mum?

Heat up the milk. She's due a feed.

Unplug the victim's hair, would you? Put
it back the way it was.

And wipe off those cat's whiskers.

Congratulations on your new job. Thanks,
I know. I'm really excited.

Well done.

Ali! Hello.

I've just heard about your good news.

Yeah. It's Ali, isn't it? Yeah. Hello.

Steve Carroll's brother.

Hello. How nice to meet you.

At last.

Oh, have you just got here?

Yeah, I had a nightmare waiting for a
taxi.

Ooh.

Ooh, that's left a horrible mark.

It's a birthmark.

I hate shadows.

I hate shadows.

So, do you know where the people are?

There are some people in the other room.

Married couple Trudy and Ivan Dodd work
together at their highly successful

theatrical wig emporium in the West End
of London.

They have a hectic schedule, fitting
wigs for film stars, television

personalities and personal clients.

It's hard work, but for the dogs it's a
labour of love.

To many people we have what must seem a
very glamorous life, making wigs for

international film stars and television
personalities, but what you'll be

seeing, however glamorous it may appear,
is...

For my wife, Trudy, and I, another
working day.

Of course, our lives could be very
glamorous indeed.

Film premieres, showbiz parties, but
we're always so incredibly busy here at

Knotty that it's often just not possible
to find the time.

Yesterday, for example, Ivan had to
personally hand -finish six weeks of the

Harry Potter in the morning, and then he
had Stephen Gately in the afternoon.

That was a quiet day.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get off
here. My arse has gone to sleep.

Morning, Carol Anne.

Morning, Trudy. Morning, Ivan.

What a day!

This is Carol Anne. She's been with us
since day one.

Obviously... She's not just a
receptionist. In this business, you

see everything and say nothing.

Luckily, discretion is Carol Anne's
middle name.

Any messages, Carol Anne? Yes, Terry
Wogan's people called. He's having

with his... Carol Anne?

No,

no messages.

Carol Anne, this afternoon, Trudy has a
private client.

And I'll be fitting Sir Michael West for
his new play at the National. So

neither of us are to be disturbed, OK?

Understood. Is Bruno here yet?

Take a wild guess.

Bruno is our assistant.

Your assistant?

He's from Argentina.

Not that much experience, but very
enthusiastic.

Not as enthusiastic as you.

these last in time.

Well, shut up.

Everything okay over there?

Are you talking to me?

I'm just seeing if everything's all
right.

Rubbish, yeah.

You know, you might enjoy it a bit more
if you speed it up a bit.

Are you talking to me again?

You're going at a snail's pace.

What? I'm just saying you're going at a
snail's pace. I ain't got a snail's

pace.

Why don't you just try running?

Are you Kelly Holmes?

What I mean is... But are you Kelly
Holmes, though? All I'm saying is... But

your name Kelly Holmes?

Look... But is your name Kelly Holmes,
though? If you just... On your passport,

right? What? On the page marked 9?

Look... Does it say Kelly Holmes? But is
your name Kelly Holmes, though? No, my

name is not Kelly Holmes.

Well, shut up, then.

Well, there you go. That's a lot better.
Now, why don't you try and maintain

that speed for about 10 minutes?

Don't tell me what to do.

I wouldn't go any quicker than that,
though, if I were you.

You act me that. No, no, seriously.

You act me that. No, no.

You think I'll me that? No, you're going
too fast now. I'm bothered.

What? I'm bothered. No, slow down. I'm
bothered. You're going to hurt yourself.

I'm not joking.

My laces came undone.

That's £20 exactly, please.

£20, £20, £20.

Yeah, dear, there you are.

£20 exactly, dear.

I don't know if you're interested, but
we've just got tickets for Gay Pride on

sale today.

I beg your pardon?

Tickets for Gay Pride.

They're £10 cheaper if you get them in
advance.

How very dare you.

I've never been so insulted.

What do you mean?

Well, what exactly is it you are
insinuating?

I'm just saying we've got gay pride
tickets on sale today.

And how do you know I'm not married with
a wife and kids?

Well, are you?

Who, dear? Me, dear? Married, dear? No,
dear. But whether I found the right girl

or not's got nothing to do with you, and
to be quite honest, I find you

impertinent. No worries.

I mean, would you ask him if he wants
tickets to this gay party?

It's gay pride, and no, probably not.

He doesn't look gay.

Right.

That's picked.

Just because a man takes care of his
appearance, you don't expect him to be

accused of being a backdoor deirdre.

My mother and I have been coming to this
shop for 25 years, and I've never heard

anything like it.

Honestly.

Gay pride?

How very daily.

My bag.

Right. It's the David Beckham calendar
and the best of Judy Garland, yeah?

Thank you very much.

What have you done?

to me do you remember you said we should
try that and i said how about saturday

and you said yeah all right then do you
remember and i said you know who loves

chinese don't you shelly and tony and
you said do you remember ask them see if

they want to go chinese saturday and i
said all right then i'll ask them so i'm

ringing them to ask them so i'm on the
phone and this voice at the other end

says hello but what did you say

to Andy.

Oh, no.

It's Nicky that's married to Andy.

I said to Rochella, you ain't married to
Andy. It's Nicky that's married to

Andy. And she said to me...

by mistake.

She said to me, you're a lunatic.

You rang me by mistake. What are you
like?

I said, well, you know what I'm like.
She said, I know what you're like. She

knows what I'm like.

I've looked at the phone like that.

Well, it's dawned on me.

What's happened?

What's happened?

You've pressed number five.

I have pressed number five instead of
number four like a nutter.

So now I'm speaking to Nicky and I've
asked her and Andy to go Chinese

instead of Shelley and Tony.

So what did Nicky say?

Well, she said they can't go Chinese
Saturday because... So Renan's got to go

his mum's Saturday because his mum's
just got satellite TV and anyway they go

Chinese Friday.

So what are we going to do now?

What am I going to do with you?

I don't know!

Hello, Shelley!

Lisa!

Sam!

Lisa, you are not going to believe what
I've just done!

We haven't told you about Harrogate,
have we?

Listen to this.

Where do you start? Last week, we
went... to Harrogate for a half day out.

On your half day?

Anyway, we went into this cafe.

Listen to this.

And every one of the sandwiches they had
was in French bread.

It was in Harrogate.

So anyway, we're starving hungry by this
point, so we said we'll have a cheese

sandwich, you know, in the French bread.

French bread.

That's all they had.

So we get these torture sandwiches.

What sort of cheese did they say it was?

Brie.

Don't ask.

So they bring us these sandwiches and we
bite into them.

This is unreal.

And you'll never guess what they've put
in a cheese sandwich.

Have a guess.

Grapes.

They've put grapes in a cheese sandwich.

In French bread.

Dirty bastards.

I mean, not that he's got anything
against the French, you know, cos he

inspector close -up.

Very funny man.

Hey, but that's not it.

Listen to this.

So we pick the grapes out and we eat the
sandwiches and we get the bill.

This is unbelievable.

Two cheese sandwiches?

We didn't have a brew, did we?

We had a flask in the van, didn't we?
Two cheese sandwiches in French bread.

£5 .60.

£5 .60.

£5 .60, and we had to pick the grapes
out ourselves.

Honestly, they greed it off you.

Dirty, robbing bastards.

So you've been with Ivan and Trudy for
over 20 years?

Yes, since the Berwick Street days.

Seems like yesterday, but we're all a
bit older, even if we're no wiser.

With many celebrities being private
clients, I suppose it's up to you to

matters as discreet as possible.

Oh, indeed. I mean, I could write a
pretty explosive expose of some of the

shall we say, follicly challenged stars
of today.

Because I never dream of doing such a
thing.

So there are more bald celebrities than
we'd think.

Oh, well, where do we start?

Trevor MacDonald, Leslie Garrett.

Delia Smith, all completely bald.

Piers Brosnan's got his own hair, but no
eyebrows.

Poor Helen Mirren, bless her. She looks
like a snooker ball with ears.

Of course, there's absolutely no way I
can say any of this when the camera's

Cut there.

Unfortunately, you can't come into this
room with me if it's a personal fitting.

Ah, right. So it's not all film stars,
then?

Well, as it happens, this is a celebrity
client who wears a wig in his or her

day -to -day life. And as all our wigs,
of course, are totally undetectable, we

have to keep their identities completely
secret.

You can't give us a clue?

I'm sorry.

Confidentiality has been the foundation
on which we've built our business. I

couldn't even drop a hint.

All I can say is this particular actor
or actress has been very shrewd indeed.

No Dolly Parton or Shirley Bassey
creations here. The wig he or she

wears is very understated. You'd never
guess that she was, or he, was

actually bald as a coat.

Dame Judy's coffee.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Why is that?

Because it's Christmas.

You know, you've got Secret Santa,
Meats, Pies, Mistletoe.

Oh, my God, she's up already.

Ali! Hello, you're all full of festive
fun, aren't you?

Hello, we've not met. I'm Ali.

Oh, hi, I'm Susan.

I'm in a really silly mood.

Hello, Susan, so am I.

Are you two in silly moods too?

She's got a cleft palate.

It's difficult at the moment.

Hi, guys. Welcome to Billy J's.

I'm your waitress for today. My name's
Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee.

I'm a fire -y -torian with my moon in
Uranus. Cast off. I'll do the jokes.

Can we have some menus, please?

OK, guys, here's the story on the menu.

Due to a non -human -based error at head
office, we only have braille menus for

yourselves today.

I'm delighted to inform you that...
Table six have a blind person in their

party. And I'd be happy to ask if you
could borrow him.

I don't think my price will do me. We
haven't got all the time. Oh, I'm potato

two, potato three, potato four.

I'm potato six, potato seven, potato
more. Hey!

What kind of burgers can I get you guys
for yourself today?

Well, we don't know what kind you've
got.

OK, guys, here's the story on the menu.

Due to a non -human -based error...
Yeah,

yeah, we know about the menus.

We just want regular burgers, I guess.

Burgers for yourselves today, then.
Nothing else with that for yourselves

And fries.

Do you have to

do that song every time someone mentions
fries?

We're not forced to, but most servers
find it helps create a feeling of fun.

OK, guys, here's the story on the
regular burgers. I'm afraid we're out of

regular burgers today.

The only burgers we have is the Belly
Buster.

Three 72 -ounce steak burgers, 12 -inch
just to press and feed back, with fried

onions, corrugated gherkin, and various
homemade sauces.

I'm really sorry, but we're running out
of time. Can we just have some fries and

a drink? One potato, two potatoes, three
potatoes, four.

Five potatoes, six potatoes, seven
potatoes, and more. Hey!

OK, um, let's have this.

Boogie Dog, the Frankfurter hot dogs
with onions and ranch sauce.

Table three, going for Boogie Dog!

Ivan said you were with a private
client.

Yes, she, or he, left through the back
door. How was your fitting for the new

play? Judy.

I'm talking Carol Ann.

Wonderful. I know you're going to be
away in June, but I'm counting on Ivan

be there on press night.

Oh, I'm sure you can count on him.

When has Ivan ever missed one of your
openings?

Quite important.

Bonjour.

are on the phone.

We're supposed to be with them by five o
'clock.

Who are you talking about?

Well, I didn't think I could say because
of the camera.

Just say his first name.

Well, his first name's more of a
giveaway than his surname.

Just write it down, you idiot.

Give me that phone.

Jesus Christ!

Hello,

Trudy Redfern here. How can I help you?

I'm sure he's literally minutes away.

Look, what part of the message didn't
you understand?

It's very straightforward.

Important through no deliver by hand
before 4pm.

Do you want me to pop it round? I've
never met... Mm -mm -mm before.

Oh, for God's sake, one of them's a deaf
Brazilian mute, the other one speaks in

Morse code. What chance do we have?

Caroline, call Showtown Couriers and get
that on a bite now.

You, come with me.

Oh, come on!

Is this a big -name client?

Look. There is absolutely no way I can
divulge the name of any client. We went

through all this a dozen times before
you started filming. I cannot compromise

our confidentiality. It is as simple as
that.

But, suffice to say, if that jiffy bag
doesn't get to Wembley Arena by seven o

'clock, it'll be the first time anyone's
ever heard Candle in the Wind sang in a

crash film.

Yeah. Come out and see me, ain't ya?

Here I am.

Oh, you are a good boy.

Did you bring me up, me bitch?

Course I did.

That's it, lovely.

How are you feeling?

Yeah, not too bad, thank you,
sweetheart.

Now, did you remember me night, Dan?
Yeah, it's all in there.

Oh, I can't be wearing this one much
longer.

Collar's too high.

I feel very educated.

I'll be able to go home soon, won't I,
love? Not yet, Nan. You had a nasty

They're going to keep you in for a few
more days.

Oh, I can't be in here much longer,
love. I go off me nuts.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Not much, glory be.

It's like a fucking circus in here.

May God forgive me for swearing. I ain't
never seen a mob like it.

All right, Nan, don't be rude.

I mean, have you had it here?

Have a look. Have a look.

I'm not ending up like that.

Nan? Oh, wait for it.

Yeah, wait till she tries putting it in
her mouth. Oh, it is Joyce.

All snubbed round her face.

Keep your voice down.

She can't hear me.

She's got more hair in her ears than she
has on her chin.

Did you bring me tomatoes?

Everything you asked for was in the bag,
then.

Oh, that's it.

I'll have a couple of them tonight.
That'll be lovely.

I've still got a slice of tongue under
there, so I'll have that and all.

I'm not eating that muck they bring
round here.

Oh, no fear. Have you seen it? Oh, it is
rough.

Here, have a look. A menu, if you don't
mind.

Well, you should try it now, and it all
looks really nice. Oh, I'd try a slot,

no thanks.

It's sweet and sour chicken.

Who is it?

Oh, it's Chinese. It's nice. Just try a
little bit. Oh, no, I couldn't eat

Chinese food, son. Their faces make me
feel sick.

is my grandson.

He's at a university.

Nice to meet you.

You too. Thanks for everything you're
doing, nurse.

Her name's Anita.

All right, Nan.

Don't take Nan out of the film,
sweetheart.

He ain't got a job.

I very much obliged to you for all your
kindness, darling.

I've got to give you a nice drink when I
leave here and you can buy yourself a

new pair of tights. That's it.

Oh, that's very kind of you. You have a
comfortable night, Mrs Taylor, and I'll

see you in the morning. Nice meeting
you.

Oh, tell her, sweetheart.

Take care. See you tomorrow.

Thieving bastard.

Oh, no.

She only comes over here so she can take
sights.

Come on, Nan, she's a nerd.

Waiting for me to turn me back so she
can have a rough dive down me handbag.

Don't talk rubbish.

As God is my judge, she's had the lot.

She's had the lot. She's had the pension
book, the gift vouchers, all me loose

change, not to mention £80 in cash.

Gone, finished, done, in cold blood.

That's the lot.

If this is true, Nan, we'll have to
report it to the police.

Ah, well, now, that's where she's
cunning, see?

What do you mean?

She put it all back.

Did she now?

Well, she knew I was on to her, didn't
she? So she's returned it all before I

can do anything about it. It's a
criminal mind, see?

And you know me, I don't like to say
nothing.

Anyway, I've got to keep a sweet case
she gives me a slight dig when no -one's

looking.

Oh, here we go.

That's all I need.

Well, that's Elf. You know him. Oh, he's
back, is he?

Walks around with his underclothes all
undone. Oh, it is pretty having to watch

his knives walloping around.

No wonder I haven't been able to keep
anything down since I've been here.

He's got senile dementia.

Senile dementia.

Don't make me laugh!

Man, that's enough.

Look around you. This ward is full of
vulnerable people suffering with

It's about time you start to have a
little consideration for those less

fortunate than yourself.

Oh, fucking shit!

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