Original subtitles

There you are, Mummy.

We were beginning to think you didn't want your brioche.

Thomas, Chloe, Mummy has something to tell you.

What is it, dear heart? Tell all.

Alice can't come to work today, so Mummy's had to arrange for an agency

come round.

Mummy.

No. We must all be very brave.

I don't feel very well.

Be strong, my darlings.

Because there's something else you should know.

Something much worse.

This person.

The agency are sending her.

She's from the North.

A castle, I'm told, but could be as far as Thunderland.

I'm sorry.

Hiya, I'm Tina from the agency.

Are you Mrs Montgomery?

Hey, I tell you what... I thought I was going to be late. The traffic was that

bad. But never mind. Here I am, on time.

You've got a lovely place, Mrs M. You don't mind if I call you Mrs M, do you?

Only Mrs Montgomery would like that.

Hiya. What did you call yous then?

See, I'm going to have my hand full with you. Pair of takes, aren't I?

Mummy. Mummy, what is she saying?

Avoid looking her in the eye.

I'm going to kill her.

John, Mummy won't let anything happen to you.

Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but first, why don't I make us

a nice milky brew? And who fancies a couple of bickies as well, eh?

Run for your lives, children! We're all going to die!

Is that air freshener I can smell?

Yeah, it's supposed to be vanilla.

It's very overpowering.

I can put it in the glove compartment if it's bothering you.

Would you mind?

Sorry, do you mind if we don't have the radio on?

Sure, no problem.

I've just got a bit of a headache.

Look at that.

Do you mind winding up your window?

Yeah, sure.

Disgusting. It's very cold in here. Could you put your heating on?

I've got a new top for tonight.

Is it?

I got a well good price for it. Did you?

It was $15 .99, right?

Yes. But I didn't pay that. Did you have all those?

You should have seen me now.

This is me, right? How much is that top?

And this is her, right? $15 .99. And this is me, right? So what we saying?

And this is her, right? $15 .99.

And this is me, right? So what we saying?

And this is her, right? $15 .99. And this is me, right? So what we really

saying? And this is her, right? $15 .99.

And this is me, right? I don't think so. And this is her, right? What do you

mean? And this is me, right? It's got a button missing.

What do you pay for it, mate? £15.

Well, good.

Amido, I'm going to work for the gigs tonight.

What gig, mate?

Me and Ryan going to a gig tonight.

Is he?

I'm going to look well hip -hop.

All right.

All right.

I'm well worked out.

Did you win?

I smashed him in the second with my dumb boss stuff.

Is it?

Do you want some of my Snickers?

This dude's going to be well, all right. I can't wait to see Naughty.

Who, mate?

Naughty Rascal.

Naughty Rascal?

He's a well -bid shout -out.

It's Dizzy Rascal.

What? It's Dizzy Rascal, mate.

Naughty Rascal.

Am I bothered?

Can't you believe that?

Am I bothered, though? Take the shame.

No, because I ain't bothered.

Take the shame, though. I ain't even bothered, though. You've well

yourself. Do I look bothered?

You're an embarrassment, though. Do I look bothered, though? You're well

shameful. I don't care because I ain't bothered.

You brought shame on your family. I don't care because I don't even like

But you shame them, though. I don't even care because I don't even like them.

No, I ain't bothered.

your was right behind you mate

mu

shepherd is 36 and lives in studley just outside birmingham she's been a

professional dog trainer for more than 10 years last year after winning the

midlands six -part obedience championship known locally as the

her dog and lifelong companion mr tibbs died peacefully in his sleep Now,

Moo has only eight weeks to train her new dog and retain her title of Dog

Obedience Champion for the seventh year running.

Now, it's just a gentle trot and... Stay close.

Stay close.

Stay close.

Come on, I can't hear you.

What about the prize?

Don't forget the prize. You'll get nowhere without the prize.

OK, everyone, that's our 90 minutes.

And as Will Young said in 2003, I think I'd better leave right now.

A lot of you have done really well today, and if we keep up this standard

few weeks, I can see myself letting some of you bring your dogs.

It's been said your teaching methods are somewhat unorthodox.

I've been called a maverick.

And I'll be honest with you, it's not a title I shy away from.

Legend has it during an obedience class in 2001, you made a woman eat a tin of

dog food for arriving ten minutes late.

Is that what people are saying?

Is it true?

Yes.

You can't train the dog unless you've trained the owner.

Fact. Is it also true she tried to sue you for actual bodily harm?

Yes, she did try to sue.

Unsuccessfully, I might add.

But that rather unfortunate episode is behind me now.

In the words of the king of pop, Michael Jackson, she's out of my life.

And how about your new dog, Moo? How's he coming along?

She? It's a girl, actually.

Bit of a break from tradition, yeah.

After ten years of competing with Mr Tibbs, I suddenly thought, come on, Moo,

you can't knock what you've never tried. And next thing I know, I've entered a

bitch.

Ashley, could you cut that last bit out?

Oh, I don't believe it.

I think my keys have dropped out of my pocket again.

I'm going to have to go back.

Will she be OK? It looks quite stuffy in there.

No, no, she'll be fine.

Tricky to keep the window open about half an inch. That's all they need.

She must have closed

it.

Sorry I'm late, Mr Hicks.

But I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live

yoghurt.

Well, I could only find a Miller Crunch corner so you can imagine the chafing

I've had all morning.

So, Mr Hicks, I'll just...

Oh, my God.

Truffles.

Oh, my God, that's better than sex.

Well, almost.

So basically, ask yourself three questions.

Are you stressed out at work?

Do you feel undervalued?

Do you want to change the pattern of failure in your life?

And enjoy the sweet smell of success.

Help me. Don't think about this. Just do. Sit down and make yourself

comfortable. Or, even better, lie down if you can.

Are you feeling comfortable?

Hang on!

First of all, I need you to close your eyes.

Now repeat after me.

My name is, and say your name.

My name is, and say your name.

I'm a strong, independent woman, and I will soon be smelling the sweet scent of

success. My days

of feeling undervalued are over.

From now on, I'm going to fulfil my potential, And walk the walk and talk

talk. Here we are, Mr Hick.

Bernie!

Bernie, wake up. What on earth is going on?

Very sleepy.

What are you doing in a patient's bed? Come on, explain yourself.

I'm a strong smelling woman and I will soon be stuck in Independence Street.

you start making sense immediately, or you will be out of this hospital so fast

your feet won't touch the ground.

From now on, I'm going to feel potentially full with a talkie -walkie

-walkie -talkie.

Right, that's it. My office, now.

And, Sarah's sister, I don't know what came over me. I've heard enough. Just

move yourself.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hicks. We'll soon get you settled.

Sarah, excuse me. That's not a live yogurt, is it?

Get out!

I'm sorry, I could have sworn I booked it last week. It's not a problem. This

will be fine. What is it, burgers?

Hi, guys.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to BBJ's. I'm your waitress for today. My name's Amanda, but my friends

call me Zebedee.

I'm a diary -torian with my moon in Uranus.

Careful, I'll do the jokes.

Any birthdays or anniversaries today for yourselves?

No, we'd just like to eat, thank you. Do you know what you want? All birthday

cocktail for half price until seven o 'clock, except a poke in the eye.

And a screaming fudge, which is free for two until 6 .30.

Thank you, but we just want to eat something quick. I've also been asked to

point out to our more generously proportioned customers that when we say

Hawaiian buffet is all you can eat, that is in fact an offer, not a challenge.

Can we just order, please?

Thank you, sir. There's no need to take it out on your server.

Right.

I'd like a plain, plain burger, please.

any freaky fries with that today for yourself?

I thought it comes with freaky fries.

Yes, I know, but would you like them?

Yes. Right, and I'd like a... Table four, get them freaky with their fries!

Yeah!

I'll have the oops upside your head burger.

Do you mind keeping it down?

Sorry, was I doing that out loud?

God.

I did my salsa class last night.

I just can't get the music out of my head.

Can you not?

Never thought of myself as a dancer.

But turns out, I'm rather good.

Great.

Donny, he says.

Who? Donny.

My instructor.

Tony? Yeah, but he's from Rio.

Oh, right.

He's always praising me.

Look, I've really got to get this finished.

Yeah. He said I moved like a gazelle.

Did he?

He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.

He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.

Did he?

He's been really complimentary about everything, actually.

Guess how old he thought I was.

Did Donny think I looked?

Well, I really wouldn't like to say.

Why not?

Have a guess.

I have no idea.

Well, that's the point of guessing. Come on!

Please don't make me do this. It's just a bit of fun.

Have a guess.

Well, I don't want to.

It doesn't matter. Just guess.

Well... Come on. How old did he say I was?

I can't think.

Yes, you can. Just guess.

Sixteen.

42. What?

48.

48?

Vanessa Phelps is 43!

37. Right. Do you think I look 37?

No. No, neither does Donny.

35. Not that old.

33. I don't think so. 31. Right, forget it. 29.

30.

He thought I looked 30.

Wow.

That is flattering.

Yes, it is.

I used to tap. Right, do you ever stop talking?

Champion dog trainer Moo Shepherd has now been preparing her new protégé for

seven weeks.

It's not looking good.

So far, Moo has only managed to stop Lady Penelope urinating on her clothes.

Apart from this, despite being sure she had a future champion on her hands, they

have achieved absolutely nothing.

And with the Birmingham Obedience Championships only one week away, it

like Moo's reputation of being able to train any dog to do anything is very

on the line.

I don't understand it.

We can't even get past the basics.

I can honestly say I have never known a dog like it.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but at this stage we've got nothing to

lose.

Lady Penelope is wearing a collar that, when I press this remote...

gives off a small electric charge.

Now, it's nothing to worry about. It's completely harmless. It's just

to give an unruly canine a nudge in the right direction.

Now, watch this.

Lady Penelope, sit.

Lady Penelope, sit.

Now, with the gentle electronic pulse.

Lady Penelope, sit.

Is she OK?

Lady Penelope?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, she's... She's had a busy day.

She's just having a lie down.

Shall we, um... Shall we turn that off now, shall we?

Morning, Nev.

Morning, Irene.

What did I say, Vern?

As soon as something happens, you can guarantee ten minutes later, Neville

arrives.

Double cheese?

Yes, please.

Double cheese for Neville.

So, what happened then, Vern?

Oh, he's been unstopped. You'll never believe who was there about an hour ago.

God? Vern, and what's the name of that man with the Caligas bottle?

Blackfella. Always on the telly laughing.

Always on the telly laughing.

Um... Oh.

Desmond Tutu.

What, the bishop?

He's not going to change a can of gas bottle at Halfords. He wants a home

Well, that's what Burns said.

So where's he got the caravan?

Well, that's it. He hasn't.

He's done one of these holiday swaps with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Well, he's absolutely livid.

Archbishop of Canterbury's sunning himself on a 50 -acre South African

while Des arrives to find he's swapped for a two -birth caravan.

Did he not think to ask what he was swapping for?

Well, obviously not, judging by his language.

I said to Vern they'll be taking that Nobel Peace Prize off him when they hear

where he's going to stick that Cala gas bottle.

Any source?

No, Mrs. Smashing. All right, see you tomorrow.

All right, Neville, take care.

Oh, sweetheart, you're Lizzie Jackson's granddaughter, ain't you? Yeah, I used

to go to school with your grandmother.

Oh, isn't it lovely to see you? I haven't seen you since you were that

Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well. She's had her hip done again,

ain't she? Will you give her my regards?

Tell her I've missed seeing her a bit. It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart.

Give me your regards to your grandmother, eh? Oh, be lucky, darling.

Who's that?

God knows.

It's not that bad.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with half these people, have a look.

Come on, Nan.

And look at this one in a running suit.

Years ago, you had to be spewing up your guts to see a doctor, and now they turn

up in running suits.

Oh, they've got a cheek.

Nan, come on.

Have you got an appointment?

Aye. Do you have an appointment?

No, dear, I'm here to see Dr Biley.

Is it an emergency?

Who is it?

It's an emergency.

What's she talking about?

What is it that's wrong with you?

What's it got to do with you?

What is it that's wrong with her?

Aye, aye, aye, I'll thank you to talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey.

If it's not an emergency, you won't see a doctor today.

Next appointment is Thursday at ten o 'clock.

We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to... Excuse me, I'm talking.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is what? Yes, it is an emergency.

What is it that's wrong with you?

Me head's hanging off.

We rang this morning, and the lady we spoke to said we could see a doctor if

came in before 11.

Is it an emergency, she said?

I ain't never seen a room full of such healthy -looking people.

What name is it? Mrs. Taylor.

If you'd like to take a seat.

Oh, well, only if you're sure.

I mean, I don't want to be pushing in front of Daily Talk tonight.

Come on, sit down. I'll get you a magazine.

Keith Mayweather.

Keith Mayweather.

Keith Mayweather.

Keith Mayweather. Keith Mayweather!

Sorry, but would you mind keeping the noise down? I suffer from migraines. You

do what, darling?

I'm really sorry, but I have terrible migraines.

Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart. I feel terrible for you. Truly, I do.

Well, I've had them for years, but they've just really started.

No, no, my darling. Don't feel you've got to explain anything to me.

I feel dreadful, really, I do. I wish there was something I could do to help

you. Would you like a mint?

No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks.

I just need to see the doctor. Julie Hedges?

Oh, that's me. Is that you, darling? Go on, then. Go and see the doctor straight

out of your social area. Ah.

Ah.

What a fucking liberty!

She's got headache!

The woman's sat in a doctor's surgery because she's got headache!

Oh, they weren't shooting, they really were.

Nan? Excuse me, would you mind...

You're upsetting the other patient.

I'll take a fucking chill pill, you.

Come on, you. I've had enough of all this.

Mrs Taylor.

Oh, have you found a window in your diary?

Well, it's too late now, love.

It's too fucking late .co .uk.

Emergencies only.

What a load of old shit.

Four seasons.

No onions, no anchovies, mixed salad and a diet coke.

It's the day of the Birmingham six -part Dog Obedience Championships, and Moo

Shepherd is with Lady Penelope.

No progress has been made, and against all the advice of friends and family,

Moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog trainers, is risking professional

foresight. Please welcome into the arena our penultimate finalists, Robert

Freeman and Sinatra.

So, despite no improvement in Lady Penelope's abilities, you're going

Yes. As last year's winner, I'll get an automatic place in the finals. I'll be a

foot away then. Of course, last year you had Mr Tibbs. Tell us about him.

Mr Tibbs? He was a winner.

He was to training and abiding.

What Patrick Swayze was to the power ballad. The blind.

There were times when I wondered if I'd known Mr Tibbs in a previous life.

I was strung below her in reincarnation and there were some uncanny similarities

between him and my late father.

The smell, mind you.

But also an uncanny ability to carry an egg between his teeth without breaking

it.

But more than that, it was a look in his eyes.

A look that said, don't worry, kid.

I'll always be here for you.

But now, with Lady Penelope, aren't you worried that you're going to lose your

crown? Moe Shepard does not understand the concept of losing.

Whatever you might think, this dog is a champion and I'm about to prove it.

Please welcome into the arena our last competitor, Moe Shepard with Lady

Penelope.

We came to do our best.

And that's exactly what we did.

How did she do?

She was rubbish.

Absolutely shocking.

Basically ignored me all the way through the six categories.

You don't seem very bothered by that news.

No, and I'm not.

And I'll tell you for why.

This dog has taught me the greatest lesson I'm ever aptly to learn.

Enjoy life.

I told her to sit.

She ran around.

I asked her to fetch.

She peed on a judge.

This dog has the personality to do the one thing when the greatest

pop duo of all time told us to do way back in 1984.

Choose life.

I'm a piece of the same.