All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s02e01

What's this thing we're going on again?

Theatre trip, innit? It's going to be
well good.

No, I think it's going to be boring.

I reckon it might be all right, you
know.

Yeah, it'd be a laugh, wouldn't it?

I do, because I ain't got my pass with
me.

No, we're getting a coach, innit? How
embarrassing is that?

No, a coach would be a laugh, man.

Yeah, it'd be all right, wouldn't it?

I forgot to tell you. Do you know who I
saw yesterday?

Oh, my God, what is she wearing?

What is she wearing? I ain't walking
down the street if I'm looking like

That is well shameful.

How are we all?

Looking forward to a slice of culture.

Me? We're all in for a treat today. Me?
I'm going to give you your ticket now.

Me? I want you to look after them. Me?

And don't lose them. Yes, Lauren?

Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing,
but have you seen what you've got on?

Are you suggesting I don't know what I'm
wearing, Lauren?

I don't know, Miss. I thought maybe
someone had thrown it at you or

Well, I think it's nice to make an
effort once in a while.

No, I don't think it is me.

Now, the coach is parked by the main
gate.

Are you going out on the street like
that, me? Gather up all your belongings.

But are you going out on the street
looking like that, though?

Yes, Lauren.

Oh, my God, what have you got on your
feet?

I'm too scared to look.

Look at them now, Jesus creepers.

That is well bad.

I think it's nice to let your feet
breathe.

Are you a Christian, miss?

Lauren, get your things together.

Are you a Christian, though? We don't
have time for this. Right, but are you a

Christian? Lauren, is the Lord your
shepherd, miss? Sorry?

But is he your shepherd, though? I beg
your pardon?

Have you got Jesus in your heart, ma
'am? What?

Is he in your heart, though? Lauren!

Why are you so close like that, then?

Lauren! You luckily preached with me.

Lauren. Are you the vicar of Dibley, ma
'am?

Lauren!

But are you the vicar of Dibley, though?

No, of course not.

Are we your flock?

What? Are we your flock, though? No. Is
it that we are your flock? No, you're

not my flock.

Have you got a friend in Jesus, ma 'am?
Oh, for goodness sake!

Does he want you for a sunbeam? Look!

Does he want you for a sunbeam, though?

Lauren, enough.

You're just wasting time now, not to
mention being incredibly rude to me.

Now get your things together, or I shall
suspend you from this trip.

Am I bothered?

Lauren, am I bothered, though? Look,
don't make me do this. I ain't doing

nothing, cos I ain't bothered. You'll
regret this. No, I won't, cos I ain't

bothered. I mean what I say. Do I look
bothered?

I don't understand why you do this.

I don't understand why you wear that.

Don't give me. Come on. Don't give my.
Now come on. Don't care my. Lauren.

Don't give my.

Lauren. Don't give my. Lauren. Stop it.
I'll forget.

I'll forget.

Lauren. Stop it. Don't give my. Lauren.
Don't give. Stop it. Don't give. Come

on. Don't give. Stop it. I love it. I
don't care.

You can sit there and get comfortable.
It's going to be a very long afternoon.

I'm above a diet. Not another word!

Right. Well, I don't think that would be
too bad. I think a course of

antibiotics should clear that up within
about a week.

Well, yes, you see, I'm a very sensitive
doctor.

I have to be very careful what I put in
my mail.

Right.

How's your mother, Derek?

Are you still living at home?

She's very well, thank you, Doctor, and
yes, I'm still there.

Couldn't leave her on her own, not at
her age, dear.

Oh, Derek, I saved you one of these
leaflets. The surgery's starting a new

men's health clinic on the first Monday
of every month.

I don't know if that's something that
would interest you.

I beg pardon?

It's a new health clinic on Mondays.
Yes, I heard that bit.

For gay men.

How very day.

Never being so insulted.

Derek, everything said here is
completely confidential.

What on earth are you insinuating?

I'm sorry, Derek. I didn't mean to speak
out of turn. I just always assumed you

were gay.

Gay, dear? Who dear? Me, dear? No, dear.

Just because I live with my mother and
haven't found the right girl yet, you

assume I take it up the ary.

Very day.

I apologise unreservedly. Well, yes, I
think you should.

25 years I've been coming here and then
you suddenly come out with this.

Well, I find you impertinent.

Gay men's health clinic.

How very day.

Derek, you're, um... It's a gentleman's
sponge bag.

Come on, Leonard, wear off.

A cup of tea?

Milk and sugar?

OK.

We've taken a full statement.

And in the light of the information
you've given her, I don't feel it's safe

you to go back home.

I'm recommending we take you to a
refuge.

Where there's other people like
yourself.

Other people like myself.

Is that your answer?

Put us all in the ghettos, make sure all
the freaks are together.

It's not fair.

I'm the victim here, not the criminal. I
know, Sandra, but we can't protect you

from these bigots 24 hours a day.

That's why we're offering you a place at
the refuge.

Thank you.

I'm just sick of the inbreds in this
stupid village sniggering at me behind

back.

I thought about moving to London.

You know, where people are more
accepting, but then I thought, no.

Why should I run and hide?

I know it's a cliche, but I am what I
am.

Come on, Sandra, don't upset yourself.

Don't upset myself?

The people in the village spit at me.
The children threw... Don't look through

the letterbox and you're saying don't
upset myself.

It's just not fair.

I know, Sandra, but at the end of the
day, there will always be those who just

can't bring themselves to accept people
who are... You can

say it, you know.

Ginger.

So where is this refuge?

It's just outside Long Whiston, about 20
miles from here. We can take you there

tonight.

We have got hair dye.

If you don't want people seeing you, you
know.

Do you not think I tried that?

I dyed my hair and my eyebrows black
when I was 15, but at the end of the

I've still got freckly arms.

So shall we go, then?

What, the lake?

Is everybody there, Ginger?

Oh, not all of them. There are a few
normal, non -Ginger people who work

as well.

But there's nothing to worry about.
They've been trained to work with Ginger

people.

And some of them even have Ginger
relatives themselves.

We're not saying it's right that you
should have to go there. But at the

what with the current hate campaigns
against Ginga... Sorry.

We think it's the safest course of
action right now.

Come on, love.

Now, come on.

Now, don't upset yourself.

Come on, let's go.

Good girl.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, it's going to be all right.

There you go.

chair wipe down, will you? And make sure
someone's here to burn my clothes when

I get back.

Ali!

Hello! Oh, my goodness, I've just been
in your garden. It's gorgeous.

Thank you. Look, I don't believe you've
met Yvonne. No, hello, I'm Ali.

Hi. Oh, you've got something on your
face there.

Just give it a rub off.

Yeah, is that all right? No, I think
it's a hair or something.

It doesn't. I mean, it doesn't. No, I
mean, you can't see it. I mean, I can

it, but then I know it's there. I mean,
he didn't see it.

He doesn't know it's there. Oh, Christ,
there's more.

Don't pluck them.

Two will grow in one.

My nan had a beard.

You might think you heard everything.

Listen to this.

Well, I don't know where to start.

Well, where do you start?

Well, we're on our way to see Arvaldo.
She just moved to Beverley. She'll still

live on Branzo. Yeah, they don't need to
know that.

So, anyway, we're on our way to see
Arvaldo, and we have to keep stopping

because Ray hasn't bought his driving
glasses.

I'm usually all right, but they're just
putting in you a ring road, so... So,

anyway, we've stopped again to ask for
directions, and we noticed there was a

bit of a pull.

Listen to this.

So we thought we'd better have something
to eat before we get there because

Valda's one of these vegetarians.

They don't eat meat.

So we crossed over to this pub.

It looked all right from the outside,
didn't it?

Oh, famous last words.

So we get in and there's a sign saying
it was... What do they call it?

A gastropub.

Don't ask.

So we sit down and we look at the menu.

Listen to this.

Well, first thing on the menu was
mushroom soup. Well, Ray liked the sound

that, didn't you?

Yeah, not for long.

But then he read what were in it.

Listen to this.

When he read what sort of mushrooms
there were.

This is unbelievable.

What were they called?

Dried shit -ache mushrooms.

You went mad, didn't you?

Shit -ache mushrooms.

You don't want that in soup, do you?

Shit -ache mushrooms dried.

You don't want it in anything.

Now, I've eaten everything, right, from
Whitby crab to gammon with pineapple on

it, so I'm not squeamish.

But I am not eating anything that has
got dried shit in the title.

This is in Beverley.

The dirty bastards.

I've not told you about it today, have
I?

What's been happening?

I can't believe I ain't told you.

Told me what?

Have I told you already?

Told me what, then?

No, I must have told you.

You ain't told me nothing.

There is absolutely no way I could have
got to 20...

That's telling you what's happened to me
today.

What is it?

You are going to die.

Oh, come on.

I might as well ring the ambulance now
because you are going to die.

Come on, you've got to tell me now.

I haven't told you, have I?

You ain't said nothing.

This is quality.

Come on, what have you done this time?

Not this time, right?

I'm out with Kerry and Gay Simon and
we're on our way to Gino's. We get

to go in and Kerry says she don't want
nothing to eat because she's doing the

Atkins. All she wants is a packet of
extra strong mints.

So I said, well, I'm not that fussed
about eating either because I'd gone mad

and had an M &S wheat germ tricolore for
me breakfast.

Then, Gates Simon says in that case, he
don't want nothing either because he

ain't eating on his own.

But nobody wanted anything to eat.

Nobody wanted anything to eat and we
stood outside Gino's like a bunch of

nutters.

to go, she starts laughing.

I said, I hope you ain't laughing at me,
Kerry Baxter.

Baxter ain't her real name, but she
doesn't talk to her dad no more, so she

thought she might as well change it.

Meanwhile, Gay Simon is laughing so
much, he's collapsed.

He has collapsed.

It's one o 'clock, the three of us are
standing outside Gino's, no one's

and we are wrecked.

together. Oh, but that ain't it.

That ain't it.

That is your starter for ten. Oh, this
is unbelievable.

Stop.

Kerry says she might as well get her
mints from the newsagent. I said I'd go

with her, and Gay Simon said he'd come
too, as long as he didn't have to eat

nothing. So we get there, Kerry buys her
mints, Gay Simon gets the newspaper,

and I buy one of them scratch cards.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, no!

Millionaires now, are we? Shut up,
don't...

Shall I book the holiday now?

Stop it! I'm going to wet myself!

What are you like?

Do you know what I'm like?

I know what you're like.

So, we're in the shop.

I'm doing my scratch card. Gay Simon's
looking at his newspaper and Kerry's

asking the man behind the counter if
there's any carbohydrate in a strawberry

mini -milk.

Then, I've looked down at this scratch
card.

I've only got three pound symbols.

No. I swear to God.

Well, you won.

Three pound symbols, I've won me money
back.

Oh, my God.

But that ain't it.

I'll give the card to the man behind the
counter. He's looked at you like that.

He said to me, you ain't won, cos all
the symbols have got to be in a straight

line. Well, they're not in a straight
line, mate. No.

One of them's in the corner, the other
one's next to it, and I can't remember

where the other one...

screaming like a witch, and Kerry's got
strawberry mini -milk coming out of her

nose.

It was bedlam!

Why does it always have to be you?

Open up!

It's a text from Kerry.

Oh, here we go.

What's this say?

I've been expecting you.

Don't worry.

You're safe now.

Would you like to bring Sandra through?

Um... Through the other room?

Yes.

Are there more people through there?

Ginger people?

Yes, there are.

This is a ginger refuge.

I brought Sandra here because we're
short -staffed, but I can't... It's not

smell. It's just that I'm not qualified
to work with ginger people.

I'm sorry.

We'll get your stuff sent on to you, eh?

Sandra, the police are some of the most
gingerphobic people in society.

As I said, you're safe now.

Come through.

Welcome to Russet Lodge.

Can we join you, Helen?

This is Sandra Kent.

She's just arrived.

Hello. Hi.

Oh, she's beautiful.

Does her mum live at the refuge?

I'm her mum. I don't understand.

You're not... The ginger gene can skip a
generation.

Helen is what's known as a carrier.

Though carriers can blend into society
much more easily than gingers. At some

point, communities find out. And people
like Helen are driven out of their

homes, too.

So, I'm just like you.

I may not be ginger here.

But I'm ginger here.

Well, I'm glad you could come. It's so
nice to see you. Well, to be honest, I

wasn't sure whether I was going to make
it tonight.

Ali! Hello!

Come on, you two, get on the dance
floor.

Have you two met each other?

No, hello, I'm Ali.

Hi, I'm... No,

I'm...

No, I'm Sean.

Huh?

God, no, yeah, no, God.

No, I mean, I know, yeah, no, I was just
rapping.

Yeah. No, because I know you... You...
Because you're Sean with...

You know it goes if you sing.

Don't do that!

Beautiful song.

Yeah.

98.

You'd better admit, the old bugger had a
good innings.

That's true.

I'm sorry, I find that language very
disrespectful.

I think you should modify your tone.

Unbelievable.

It's very cramped in here.

Is that you, darling?

Hiya, Nan.

Oh, sweetheart, thank God for that.

Are you OK? I came as soon as I got your
message.

Oh, you are a good boy.

How are you feeling?

I'm all right, love, yeah, I'll be all
right.

Just a bit of a shock, that's all.

Yeah, when did it happen?

Just after one o 'clock.

Been sat here not knowing what to do
since then.

I got here as soon as I could, Nan.

No, don't worry, darling. You weren't to
know something like this was going to

happen. How could anybody know?

We all take these things for granted and
then one day, bang, that's your lot.

Yeah.

Is it just ITV you can't get?

No, love, it's all of them.

I've been sat here in silence for the
last three and a half hours.

Have you missed many of your programmes?

Oh, you know me, love, I don't really
take much notice.

It's just nice to have on in the
background for a bit of company, that's

you know. Yeah.

Although I suppose I'll never know what
happened to Tanisha.

Who's Tanisha? Girl on that Tricia this
morning. Did you see it?

No. Oh, it's unbelievable.

She's getting the fat sucked out of her
thigh and injected into her backside.

It's only a young... girl she was. I
thought they'd got it the wrong way

at first, but no.

She wants to have a bigger arse than
she's already got.

And if you asked me, it was a fair size
to start with.

You could show fucking cartoons on it.

I've got someone coming over to have a
look at the telly. He should be here

soon. And I've missed me lovely gay boy
who takes you to an auction and sells

all your old shit you were gonna throw
out.

It might just be the fuse.

Oh, that'll be Danny.

Danny who?

Oh, Nan, don't start. Danny Shaw.

I don't know no -one called Shaw.

You do? You know his mother, Lou Shaw?
She's just come out of hospital.

Not Loopy Lou.

Don't you dare say that while he's here.
She's been very ill.

Not Loopy fucking Lou.

you, he's repairing the telly for free,
so don't upset him.

For free? No, thank you. I don't want no
charity.

You can tell him to piss off out of it.

I'd rather sit in a dark.

Mrs. Taylor, how you doing?

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?

I'm not too bad, thanks. Now, let's have
a look at this.

Oh, you can take it away, darling. I
never really look at it.

I'll put the kettle on.

Did Jamie check the fuse?

Oh, don't bother asking him nothing,
darling. He ain't got a job.

I'm not going to charge you for the
repair, Mrs Taylor, and I don't want any

arguing, OK?

Oh, you are a good boy.

How's your mum, darling?

I haven't seen her about for a while.

She's OK, thanks.

Oh. She's still up the nut house.

Nan, Mum went into hospital for a rest.
but she's much better now, thanks.

Oh, I am pleased, darling, cos last time
I saw your mother, she was down on all

fours in the dry cleaners, barking like
a dog.

Now, I think you must have her confused
with somebody else, Mrs Taylor.

No, Loopy Lou!

Everyone knows your mother. I remember
when she got barred out of Tesco's when

they caught her peeing in a deep freeze.

She's feeling better.

There you go, Mrs Taylor. It was just
the fuse, so I'll be on my way. No, you

won't, son.

Oh, no. No, you'll take something for
your trouble. Now, we've been through

this. No, I won't take your money. Now,
be a good boy. It's only a fuse.

That's not the point.

Here's £50.

Look, I can't take it. Now, you take it
and go and treat your mother to a nice

new hat.

Well, thank you, Mrs Taylor. You look
after yourself.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Very obliged to you coming out at such
short notice. Truly I am.

to come up here wearing his little
cowboy outfit.

Should have fucking kept it on.

And a lot of good you wearing all. Stood
there worried about what side your

hair's parted while I'm getting turned
over by a man whose mother eats her own

shit.

Being gingers is who I am.

Why should I deny that?

You shouldn't.

And that's why we're here.

We have all sorts of gingers here.

Gingers in denial.

Confused gingers.

Even militant gingers.

But they have one thing in common. They
don't need to fear the outside world.

They're all welcome to stay here in
peace and harmony.

Put the bottle down.

What's she doing here? She's not even
ginger.

She's a strawberry blonde.

You have as much right to be here as
you.

Look at her face.

How come you're the only one who uses
the garden when it's sunny?

Oh, look.

She's getting a tan.

All right, everyone, that's enough.

Look at us.

Look at us.

From strawberry blondes to flame -haired
beauties, we are all ginger.

And if we can't get on with each other
in here, what chance do we have in the

real world?

Duracell.

Ginger nut.

Carrot top.

Copper knob.

We're used to getting that kind of abuse
every day out there.

People asking us to move away from areas
where food is being prepared.

Total strangers assuming we're Scottish.

Forever trawling the streets, trying to
find a hairdresser's that isn't fully

booked.

Well, not in here.

This is a safe haven for everyone and
everything, Ginger.

Let's keep it that way!