All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s01e06

Thank you.

Oh, don't tease me. No contest.

Deep side performance of Sweet Chili.

Oh,

it's the wine list.

How about a nice Rioja?

You've been to Cornwall, haven't you?

Yeah, we went last year. We went to
Tintagel Castle. It was lovely.

We went this weekend.

It's a long old drive, Cornwall. Yeah.

190 miles.

Is it really?

Door to door. Wow.

AA reckoned it would take me four and a
half hours. Did they?

Well, it's single lane most of the way.
Of course, yeah.

The A39, caravan, Stonehenge rubber
neckers.

Four and a half hours.

About right.

I would have thought so.

Guess how long it took me.

Oh. How long did it take me to get to
Cornwall?

Um... Four and a half hours, that's the
AA talking.

How long did it take me? Look, I'd love
to, it's just I really need to... Just

have a guess.

190 miles.

Uh, well... Come on! The A39 roadwork to
Exeter. How long? Really don't know.

Come on, how long did it take me?

Just have a guess.

I don't even drive.

Doesn't even matter, just guess.

Two hours.

Two hours?

Two hours?

Okay, I don't know. To Cornwall?

Two and a half?

Two and a half hours. I was in a car,
not a jet.

Three. Three and a half hours. Right. Do
you know where Cornwall is? Yeah, it's

right at the bottom. Four hours.

Four hours and ten minutes.

Well, that, that's less than they said
at the AA.

Yes, it is.

It's 20 minutes less.

Did you have a nice time? No, it was
shit.

Elaine Wainwright is 34 and lives in
York.

She recently travelled over 4 ,000 miles
to marry a man she'd never met before.

Jeremiah Wainwright III, a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal, is

currently on death row, awaiting
execution.

Now back in York, Elaine has been
adapting to married life. However, that

about to change.

We've had a phone call from Elaine.

She's discovered that after six false
alarms this morning at 7am, Gerry is

to be administered under Texan law with
the lethal injection that will kill him

for the crimes he has committed against
society.

How are you, Elaine?

Well, it's all been a bit of a rush,
really. I mean, I did have everything

planned the first time I was told Gerry
was leaving us, but it's been called off

so many times since then, I don't know
whether it's coming or going.

Literally.

But today's the day. Yes, I checked his
website before I went to bed last night,

as I always do, and there's been an
update definitely happening at 7 o

this morning.

So we're literally minutes away.

Yeah.

Not long now.

I've lit a candle representing Jerry's
life, and in a couple of minutes I shall

put it out, symbolising the shining
light that was Jeremiah Wainwright III.

being extinguished by a society that
chose not to understand him.

Not understand why he tortured and
killed eight innocent people?

Yes, I've just said that.

So, you've been a married woman for just
five days now, and in a few short

minutes you'll be a widow.

Yeah, it's been a funny old week.

It's true to say, being a married woman
has changed my life.

When I was at school, I made a list of
the top ten things I want to do before I

die. Guessing married was at number one.

I've come a long way.

I've only got Disneyland to go.

It must feel strange, especially as
you've been here so many times before.

Yeah, we have had a few false starts.

And when I found out it was definitely
going ahead this morning, I realised I'd

run out of candles.

I got these from the shop on the corner.

There we go.

It'd be a hard push to find something
they didn't, though.

Oh, right, that's my one -minute
warning.

I set the timer on the cooker so I
wouldn't have to unplug the alarm clock.

By my bed, Jerry wouldn't want any fun.

Would you like us to start filming?

No, no, you're all right.

Only take a minute.

I would like a moment of silence before
I blow the candle out, if that's OK.

Sorry, it'll go off in a minute.

Sorry, could one of you turn that off,
because that's quite annoying.

If you just press the red... Switch.

God bless, Jerry.

May all those who misunderstood you and
never gave you a chance one day,

somehow, see the error of their ways.

Good night, Angel.

Do you know, I've lived that moment a
thousand times.

Oh, my God.

You told me to blow that out. That is a
sign.

I think it might be... Do you think the
injection didn't work? I mean, he's a

big lad.

Elaine, I think it might be one of those
magic candles.

Call it what you will.

That is a miracle.

No, I mean, they're candles you buy as a
joke. They don't blow out.

I mean, what would you say that to
anyone?

Sorry, could you just put that under a
tap for me, please?

How are you feeling, Elaine?

Too bad, actually.

Now, it would be wrong to say being a
widow suits me, but I do feel very at

with myself.

I feel Jerry's at peace.

It's funny, because when I was counting
down the seconds...

I could actually feel it here. It seems
unusual to carry out something like this

at one o 'clock in the morning. Was
there a special reason for that?

One o 'clock?

Sorry, I don't follow.

Well, it's seven a .m. here, but with
the time difference between here and

Texas. And they're ahead of us.

They're six hours behind.

They're behind?

Um, right.

Sorry, you've confused me now. Um, is he
dead or alive?

Well, if it was meant to be seven a .m.
their time, he's still alive.

And 7am their time will be 1pm our time
today.

One o 'clock this afternoon.

Oh, isn't it silly?

I wonder if Jackie will swap her shift
with me. I'm sure she will. She's very

good luck.

All right.

Well, I might just naffle a few more
hours sleep.

I've been up since four.

Are you still all right for one o
'clock?

Yes, one o 'clock's fine.

All right, well, I'll see you then.

Sorry, have you got those candles?
Because I might just take them back.

What did you do last night?

We went bowling.

It was a really good laugh, actually.
Have you ever been?

Didn't you go to the gym?

No.

I don't go to the gym.

Oh, I thought you did.

No, I don't.

Don't you feel better after a bit of
exercise?

Actually, do you mind if I just finish
this?

A bit stiff this morning, though.

Didn't have time for a good warm -down.

You know what it's like after a long
run?

Yeah, I bet.

You need a good warm -down. Right.

It's really important for the muscles.

Is it? Yeah, recovery rates.

James was saying...

You know how pushy personal trainers can
be.

You've got a personal trainer?

Yeah, yeah. He's making all the
difference. You know, really spurring me

that running.

I bet.

Guess how far I ran last night. How far
did I run last night? I have

no idea.

Anything's good, isn't it? I don't think
so.

Have a guess.

I really don't know.

Think like an athlete.

Just guess. I wouldn't have a clue.

Doesn't even matter.

Doesn't even matter.

Have a guess. I can't. Come on, you'll
be amazed. Have a guess. I'm not good at

this. Come on, we're just having a
laugh.

Yes. 50 miles.

50 miles?

50 miles?

I said run, not drive.

30 miles.

30 miles in one go?

Do I look Ethiopian?

ever met me? Two.

Eight. Wow.

Hundred metres.

Well, that's still good.

Yes. It is.

Further than you'll ever run, you knock
-kneed old trollop.

Sorry, did you say come in?

Yes, Bernie, come in. Sit down.

I'm sorry I'm late, sister.

I know you said nine o 'clock, but I
went out for a curry with the lads last

night and it turned into a bit of a late
one, you know what I mean?

As you know, Bernie, you've already had
two written warnings this month.

Do you mind if I take my coat off? I'm
sweating beef madras in here.

Are you eating, Bernie?

Oh, I am sorry, sister. You must think
I'm so rude.

Would you like a rhubarb and custard?

No, thank you.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't eat
in this office.

So, in light of this, I think you'd
benefit from an unofficial assessment.

Just answer the questions as best you
can.

Did you have a nice weekend?

How often do you change your uniform?

How often do I change my uniform?

Yes, Bernie, it's a simple question.

Well, I sometimes put a bit of tinsel in
me hat at Christmas.

But besides that, I don't really think
it's up to me, you know what I mean?

What is the difference between a rectal
reading and an oral reading when using a

digital thermometer?

About

two

feet.

And you probably... want to give it a
wife with a damn cloth before you do the

second one?

The answer is one degree.

On your morning round, you found a
patient who's died in the night. What's

first thing that you do?

In fairness, sister, I haven't started
my shift yet, so whoever it is, I

honestly don't think you can blame me.

The question is hypothetical.

Sister, I do understand what this is all
about.

And I just want to say, I didn't kill
him, I swear to you.

Didn't kill who?

Mr. Thompson.

Bernie, what makes you say that? Mr.
Thompson died over a week ago.

I know he did, and believe me, sister,
if I thought a night out would have

finished him off, I never would have
taken him.

Taken him where?

Well, as you know, Mr. Thompson, he was
a great one for the crack, and I

promised him if he felt up to it, I'd
take him out for his birthday, you know,

my treat.

You took an 81 -year -old critically ill
patient on a night out?

A night out where?

Where?

Chitty, chitty, bang, bang.

Please tell me it's not true.

Well, it's about a flying car, so... I'd
say probably not.

You do know this treat, as you call it,
may well have contributed to the heart

attack later that evening that killed Mr
Thompson.

Yes. I have absolutely no alternative
but to send you home with immediate

effect. Oh, that's really sweet of you,
sister, but to be honest, it was over a

week ago now I think I'm over the worst
of it.

Would you please?

Leave my office.

It was a present.

Did you go out with Ryan last night?

He blew me up. Can you believe that?

I was like, are you joking me with this?
And he was like, don't start giving me

grief. And I goes, well, you better stop
vexing me then.

That is so dry. That boy's taking
liberties.

You know what I'm saying?

He must think I'm like some sort of
lackey or something waiting around for

He needs to be told, man.

Right, he's coming. Just shut up, shut
up, shut up.

All right?

All right.

Listen, I'm thinking that we shouldn't
see each other no more. Yeah, that's

fine, whatever.

Did you bring me that CD you were
talking about, Lee?

I think I should concentrate on my
football and stuff. And my brothers.

What? I'm not bothered, though. I just
don't think... I'm not bothered.

I'm just, like, really busy. Yes, I'm
not bothered.

We can still have a laugh, you know. No,
we can't, cos I'm bothered.

I've just got a load on, you know. Does
my face look bothered?

Well, it's just like, you know... Does
my face look bothered, though? You can

still hang around... Does my face look
bothered? You can still, like...

Bothered. Bothered.

Bothered. Bothered. Do I look bothered,
though?

No, you don't look bothered. Yeah,
that's cos I'm not. I just forget it,

Yeah, I will, and don't tell me what to
do.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

He is so lame, you know. That was...
What a rank thing to do.

Right, just shut up, right? You don't
even know anything about it.

Yeah, but you shouldn't let him talk to
you like that. But you should shut up,

though. Well, why don't you just go and
tell him? Why don't you shut up, though?

Yeah, but he... Do you not want us to
shut up? I was only... Do you shut up,

though? Why don't you shut up? No, do
you not want us to shut up? Yeah, but...

Do you not want us to shut up? Yeah,
but... Do you not want us to shut up?

but... Do you not want us to shut up?
Yeah, but... Have you shut up yet?

Yeah.

I was just thinking... I ain't
bothered...

or can you call me back on the landline?
You know I don't like speaking on the

mobile.

Yes, I'm at the office.

I'm at my desk now.

Right.

Oh, come on.

Hello,

Margaret speaking.

Hiya, Jeff.

Sorry I'm late.

It's not a problem, Bunty. Take a seat.

I just want to go and get a pint. It
won't be a second.

Bunty, it's fine.

Just take a seat. This won't take long.

I really would love a pint, Geoff.

Bunty, just let me say what I'm going to
say and you can have as many pints as

you like.

How was your holiday?

My holiday was fine, thank you.

Unfortunately, it was sport when I got
back and I'd heard you'd been up to your

old tricks again.

Can I have a sip of your pint?

Last time we were here, I made it quite
clear your time with the Doncaster

Spinners was up.

Your leaving was well overdue.

So then I go on holiday. I think that'll
be that. But oh, no.

When I get back, I'm greeted with this.

What's that?

It's last Thursday's Echo.

There were dramatic scenes yesterday
outside St Mary's Junior School, the

rehearsal venue of majorette display
team the Doncaster Spinners.

When Bunty Carmichael, 32, of Mercer
Road, held a one -woman protest at her

expulsion from the group, Bunty, a
majorette with a spinner since she was

chained herself to the school gates and
sang Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer.

Repeatedly, until she was let into the
Wednesday night rehearsal.

Group organiser Jeff Bird, currently on
holiday in Benidorm, was unavailable for

comment.

Who told him I was 32?

When are you going to get it into your
head, Bunty? I'm 31.

You can't have him marching with a major
act team full of ten -year -olds. You'd

look ridiculous.

I look ridiculous?

Gemma Graham dropped her baton three
times during the Star Wars medley on

Saturday. Who looked ridiculous then?

A Saturday demonstration you shouldn't
have been involved in.

But, oh, no, you wait till I'm abroad
and then you worm your way back in. The

spinners need me, Jeff.

The spinners need you to leave them
alone.

According to the rules, the minimum age
for a Doncaster spinner is six years

old. You tell me where it says there's
an upper age limit.

There isn't, Mum.

Up until now, we've been relying on self
-respect.

Oh, I see.

So I'm being penalised because I've got
the will to survive.

The only thing you've got is the will to
be a bloody nuisance.

Eye of the tiger, Jeff.

I've got the eye of the tiger.

Have you? Well, I'm very pleased for
you. And as well as the eye of the

you've also got that.

What's that?

A restraining order.

Preventing you from going anywhere near
the Doncaster spinners, whether it be in

rehearsal or performance.

I'm sorry, Bunty, love, but I... You're
really left as no option.

I've been with the Doncaster Spinners
for 25 years.

That's nearly a quarter of me life.

Don't let it end like this, Jess.

Do you remember when me mam couldn't
afford to let me go on that trip to

when I was 14?

You told me the Spinners had a whip
round to pay for me.

I know it was you, Jeff.

I know it was you who paid for me to go.

Bunty, don't do this.

You believed in me then.

Why don't you believe in me now?

Look, it's not that I don't believe in
you, love. It's just that... It's time

move on.

Just let me come with you to Leeds for
the Nationals and then I'll leave. I

promise.

I'm sorry, love.

I can't.

Do you remember what you used to say to
me when I first joined the spinners?

When I used to say to you, Mr Bird, I
can't spin my baton and march at the

time. Do you remember what you used to
say to me?

There's no such thing as a cat.

If you feel you can, give me one more
chance.

I'll be waiting at the top of my street
for the minibus.

Nine o 'clock on Friday morning.

If you've not turned up because of the
past, well, I'll know you can't.

Happy anniversary, darling. We said we
weren't doing presents. You are naughty.

Opening the champagne now, darling.

Okay.

Doing it right now?

Yes, yes, I heard you. That's fine.

Cork's coming out now.

Michael, I...

Guess what I'm thinking.

1 .30.

Yeah.

Freak.

Is that you, darling?

Hello, Nan.

Here he is.

You all right?

Come and see me.

Come and see me later.

Yeah. Yeah, I know it's... Do you get me
shoe polish?

Couldn't get it, could you?

I know you wouldn't be able to get it.

I said you wouldn't be able to get it.
Didn't have it, did they? I know they

wouldn't have it.

Couldn't get it, could you? Now I... Oh,
did you get it?

Oh, I did get it, did you? I didn't
think you'd be able to get it. I said

wouldn't get it, but you got it. Look at
that.

You got it. They did have it, did they?
Oh, you did get it.

Oh, you are a good boy.

I do my best.

It's the wrong one.

And that's the one you always have.

I see your sister today.

Did you?

She's had the baby.

I know. She's had the baby.

I know. Oh, little girl.

I know.

She come up here and see me.

Did she? Oh, you seen it? Oh, she's come
up here. It's only a little dinky thing

like that.

Oh, little lot no bigger than that. Oh,
she's let me hold her.

Oh, you seen it? Yeah. Have you seen it?
Yeah. Have you seen it?

never seen such ugly child.

It's brightened the fucking life out of
me.

And isn't it airy?

Oh, I ain't never seen a child with so
much hair on it.

It's like a big airy elf looking up at
you.

Oh, I nearly had a bilious attack
looking at it.

And they're calling it some funny name
and all, aren't they?

No, they're not. Calling it some funny
name?

Francesca. They're calling it...

They're calling her Francesca.

Calling the poor child Tesco's.

Oh, I said, don't call it Tesco's,
darling. Whatever you do, it'll have

fucking problems looking like that.

And it's got a funny shape head and all
on it.

Oh, Nan, come on. It was a forceps
birth. It was very traumatic for them. I

should think it was traumatic when that
came out.

Oh, I'd have run a mile if that had been
mine.

And it's got a wonky eye, hasn't it?

It's got a wonky eye, the child.

Mind you, it gets that from that ugly
get of a father.

He's got that, hasn't he? One eye
looking at you, the other one looking

No.

Oh, that's wrong, that is. I mean, a
pair of them together, they'll look like

they came off Fraggle Rock.

Don't you say things like that. No, no,
no.

Not at my house. Oh, no, no. She's a
very good girl to me, she is.

She looks after me, your sister.

I said to her, you're up for money,
darling. Here, take this tenner. Go and

yourself a pair of tights. She said, I'm
all right, Nan. I said, take the money.

She said, I don't want the money. I
said, take the money. She said, I don't

the money. I said, take the money. She
said, I don't want the money. I said,

take the money.

You'd bleed me dry if you could.

Now take that ten pound note, buy that
child a bonnet and tie it over his

fucking face.

No.

She said to me, you're wicked, you are.
You're a nuisance.

We're going to put you in home.

No, you don't. Oh, wouldn't you like it,
eh? Ah, what?

Up there, with all the old girls,
playing ping -pong, singing along a Max

Bygrave, sitting in your own shit.

Not me, love. You ain't slinging me up
the nut out.

I shall have some champagne with me
winkles, thank you very much. And I

like crumble neither, so you can take
that away. I don't like it. I ain't

it. No, no.

Self, take it away. I don't want it, and
that's it. In fact, you can take the

crumble, take the old girls, take Max
Bygraves, take your sister, take the

with the wonky eye, take the fucking
lawyer, shove him up your arse and piss

out of here.

Nan, you've got to stop this. You can't
keep talking about people like that.

It's not funny.

Oh, it's not funny.

Nan,

seriously, stop it.

Oh, fucking shit, I...

I am what I am.

I am my own special creation.

Oh, come take a look.

It's my world that I want to have a
little pride

in.

My world.

And it's not a place I have to hide in.

It's your life.

It's not worth a dime.

See what you can say?

from a different age. Oh, your life is a
shame till you can

share it.