All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s01e05

So, I think that just about brings us up
to date with the Woodson -Payne

contract.

Sandra, do you have anything to add?

Not really, Roy. I've got a meeting with
Alistair Payne now, so I'll pass on any

further information I get.

Besides that, I think it's worth
mentioning again that without your

lead, we wouldn't be dealing with
Woodson -Payne in the first place.

Well, now that we've got them, let's
make sure we keep them.

Absolutely. Lock it.

Thomas, did you want a Coca -Cola?

Do you want a Coca -Cola?

If you want a Coca -Cola, let me know
now before I close the cooler door.

Um... Well, look, I've closed the cooler
door now, so it's too late. If you want

a Coca -Cola, you'll have to get it on
your own.

Chloe, do you want a Coca -Cola?

No, thanks.

Right.

Darling, darling, what did Mummy tell
you? Not with a metal spoon. You'll

the dough.

But it's only panini, Mummy.

Now, come on, let's do it properly.

Now, are you putting olives in yours?

Yes. Right, well, that's fine, but
you'll have to wait because there's only

olive fork, because Chloe's using it
right now, aren't you, Chloe? Well,

actually, no, I'm still waiting for my
olive temper.

Hello?

Hello, Jacques.

We're fine.

How are you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I don't want to sit down. Just tell
me what's happened.

Right.

Right.

Um, listen, Jacques, I'm going to have
to call you back.

Yes, they're here with me now. No,
they're fine. They'll be fine.

Yes, thank you, I'm fine.

I'll get back to you this afternoon.

And, Jacques, thank you. I know this
wasn't an easy call to make.

Thomas.

Chloe.

I've got something to tell you.

You know Daddy left for Paris this
morning on business?

That was Jacques, Daddy's European PA.
I've got some bad news.

Daddy hasn't been able to find any good
brie this trip.

But, Mummy, it's the school picnic
tomorrow. I know, Thomas. Thomas, I

Has he tried Le Bon Marché? Yes, Chloe,
he'll have tried Le Bon Marché first.

I think we have to... I'm Wesley Dale,
left over from Ginny's christenings. Oh,

Thomas, don't be silly. It's a Parisian
picnic.

Do you want all the other children to
laugh at you? No. No, of course you

Now, come on, children, think.

What about book four?

That he smells some good bread?

Good, Chloe, that's good.

Now, pass on me the phone book. Come on,
quick, Stig.

And, Thomas, get me two Nurofen and a
glass of Pellegrino. I'm getting them

of my head.

Well, we certainly have enough to be
getting you here.

I need the results of that date of my
Friday afternoon.

I trust you can meet that deadline?

I tell you what, Mr Payne, why don't we
say 10 o 'clock, Friday morning,

Proofton, on your desk? No point in
waiting till Saturday to start the

Friday morning it is.

You have my numbers if you need me.

Not fit.

What we'll do now is have a short
informal test as per Clown Key Stage 2.

I'll be working with you one -on -one,
starting with, er... Jill.

Thanks.

OK, Jill, let's begin with a little test
of the basics from the first turn.

It's just such a relief to feel normal
again.

OK, so let's push on and look at some of
the skills you've learnt so far.

Do you remember the walk, Jill? The
clown's walk? Yes, I do.

OK, so let's try that.

Good. And into the trip. Yes.

Oh, excellent, Jill.

This is how they found me, you know.

Clatched over the steering wheel like
this.

OK, Jill.

So, what do we do when we've done a
trick? How do we present ourselves?

Yes, that's right.

Yeah?

Good. Give me some jazz hands, Jill. Oh,
yes.

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

It's the whiplash.

OK, don't worry, Jill. Just try and keep
your mind on the task in hand, yeah? Do

you remember the trick where you
surprised yourself by accidentally

the horn?

Yeah, I do. I love this trick. Let's see
that, then.

Oh!

If he had had one of these, I might have
heard him.

Right, how about your uniform? Let's
start at the top. How's your wig? It's

great. Yeah?

It's big, it's curly, it's very bright.

If he'd have been wearing one of these,
I might have seen him.

What about your squirty flower? Let's
have a go with that.

OK. I've been practising this. On me?
Yeah.

Ooh, God!

They're still there, you know. A bit
withered, but...

What of? The flower tied to a tree.

OK, one last thing.

Do you remember the bucket trick?

Yes, that's my favourite.

Let's see that.

Good.

Good.

Oh, excellent, Jill.

Very funny.

Oh, God.

What now?

It looks like shattered windscreens.

Are you still hanging around here?

Yeah.

You're never out of this hospital, are
you?

Not at the moment, no.

You were here all last week as well,
weren't you?

Yeah, well, my mum's very ill, so I'm
here quite a lot at the moment.

Oh, it's a worry, isn't it?

Yeah.

I just had a few days off myself.

And by Christ, I needed it.

It's a bit difficult trying to fill your
time when you're used to being rushed

off your feet, though.

I watched Ready Steady Cook for a few
tips.

And I got one, don't watch it, it's
short.

Mind you, in saying that, there was this
great hunk of a lad doing the cooking,

James something or other, I think his
name was.

Cockney lad, I think, and I thought to
myself, by Christ, I'd like to baste his

turkey for him, you know what I mean?

You know what I mean, though?

He reminded me of Gerald, my Gerald.

He could cook, my God, he could cook
pies, pastries, and he'd just whip it

you know what I mean?

Whip it right up, you know what I mean?

I shouldn't have let him get away.

It's a bit tricky when they leave you
for a man, though.

Did you go out last at all?

Uh, not recently, no. I went out last
night. I went out last night with the

girls, karaoke, great crack.

They're all saying to me, go on, Bernie,
give us a song.

So I did me Bonnie Tyler, cos I'm
holding out for a hero as well, you know

I mean?

God, I was ripe for it last night. It's
taken me, really.

Had all me Pamela Anderson gear on.

Getting loads of male attention, as
usual.

And in the end, the girls, they all say
to me, God almighty, Bernie, cover

yourself up. You're fat, you're
obnoxious, and you make us all feel

Yeah, sick with envy more like, you know
what I mean?

You should come out with us tonight.

I get off at half past seven, you can
meet me outside casualty and show me a

good time.

Have you any plans at all?

No, I'm... Oh, then that's it.

The ride.

No, I'm waiting for my mother to come
out of the operating theatre, so... Oh,

Jesus, I've a head like a sieve today.

It's bad news, I'm afraid.

Your mother passed away ten minutes ago.

I'm very, very sorry, Mr Willis. I'll
send a nurse through and she'll send you

in.

Well, sorry, Wally, my name's Willis.
What?

Your name is Willis? Willis. Not Wally!
Not wallet, no. Oh, my God, are you

sure? Yes.

Willis, Willis, Willis, let's have a
look. Of course, it'd kill him to put

in alphabetical order, wouldn't it?

Oh, wait a minute. No, oh, here you are.
No, yours is alive.

There you go. Oh, close shave there,
wasn't it?

Right, right. Oh, no, hang on.

Hang on a minute.

Willis, they say. Is that with the IS?

Yes. Oh, God, no, she's dead too.

I think.

Is that on the same line as that?

I don't know.

Oh, this is useless, isn't it? Oh, God.
Look, we've got your number. We'll just

ring you this afternoon.

Is that all right?

Don't forget what I said, though.

Half past seven.

Encounter two.

until the ambulance arrives.

You're here already?

I thought I was early. Can I get you a
drink?

No, I'm fine.

Pints of Armstrong's?

I don't think I could keep it down,
Jeff.

Let's not, then.

So, how have you been?

How do you think I've been?

Well, I won't keep you long.

As I said on the phone, I've got a photo
call with the Echo at six.

Oh, yes.

I've heard all about your new
majorettes.

Melanie... What's the name?

Melanie Watkins.

Yeah. And I hear you've made her captain
already.

So I get chucked out of the Doncaster
Spinners on a Monday and Melanie Watkins

gets my majorette captain title by the
Friday.

My God, I bet she looks like the cat
that got the cream.

Bunty. She's nine.

Oh, yeah.

And just so you realise, she'll be on
the major scrap heap by the time she's

I'll probably bring it up nearer the
time.

So, you asked me to come here, and here
I am.

As usual, someone's shouted shit and
I've jumped on the shovel.

I do appreciate your time.

Well, let me tell you now, Jeff. If
you've brought me here to try and put me

into teaching, you're wasting your time.

The reason I've asked you here has
nothing to do with you teaching.

Good. Because, to be honest, Jeff, I
haven't got the time these days.

Since the spinners dumped me, I've not
stopped.

I'm busy most nights of the week now, or
even busier Saturday morning.

Yes, Bunty.

We know you are.

What's that supposed to mean? You've
been seen.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right.

Saturday morning marching practice, you
were seen watching us from your car

wearing dark glasses with a blanket on
your head.

The NMA Awards in Manchester, you were
seen on the front row wearing a false

nose and a moustache.

Sunday morning, we were playing as a
curtain raiser for the rugby and somehow

you were a touch judge.

Come on.

It's not fair what you're doing. You're
frightening the kids. They're having

nightmares.

I tried.

I tried to stay away, Geoff.

But I'm a majorette.

It's in me blood.

I know you are, and you're a bloody good
one.

But it's just that we can't have you
marching with a team of ten -year -olds.

It looks like we've had you on hormones.

I'm a dumb cat spinner.

Do you know what it's like knowing
you're never going to march ten abreast,

spinning a baton to the eye of the tiger
ever again?

Come on, Bunty.

There's a big, wide world out there. I
mean, you're 31 years old.

Do you not want a family?

I had a family, Jeff.

I had a family.

And look what they did to me.

Well, I'll just get on with my life as
if the last 25 years never happened.

Can't be that difficult.

You're obviously doing it.

Okay, you should be just about finishing
up now, so paint down, please.

Honker, let's have a look at your little
man.

Oh,

fantastic, Honker. Well done.

Cheer up, Boo. It's your turn.

Oh, Boo.

Well done.

Okay, Jill, let's see what you've got
for us.

You should have been there.

He's in very good hands. You don't have
to worry.

Excuse me, love.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No,

no, no. Please, are you all right?
Please, get in the ambulance. Please,

don't understand. He's getting away.
Please, move, move.

Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Mark Warner, please?

Thank you.

Marky! You bastard.

Martin Webb. How goes it?

Oh, good night. Yeah, real good night.
Got hammered. Completely hammered, yeah.

Went out before I was asleep.

I'm on the train now, yeah. I'm just
going to get my head down, I think, you

know. Catch a few zeds before you
bastards get your hands on me.

Yeah. Oh, I thought you'd never ask. We
won best regional.

Yeah, yeah, result, yeah. Well, I...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cos I think I've still

got a bit of blood running through me
alcohol vessels.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, free beer, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah,
absolutely twatted, yeah.

Mikey, Mikey, are you on your own?

Yeah, listen, I copped off as well.

Hey, shut it, gobshite.

That's for me to know and you to find
out.

Yeah, yeah, mental.

Oh, no, I'm all right. No, yeah, you go.
Yeah, yeah, no, I'm on the... Yeah, I'm

trying to get my head down. All right,
mate, I'll speak to you later. All

And, Mikey, we...

Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Richard Bolton, please?

Thank you, my darling. You're a
gentleman and a scholar.

I don't mean anything. It just means
thank you.

I tell you what, it's women like that
that give you... Dickie!

You bastard.

Martin Webb. Yeah. Oh, Storm.

Absolute Storm. Yeah, we won two awards.
Yeah. Best regional and some other

block. Yeah. Probably a lot of old shit,
but hey, I'll take the glory. No probs.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, well, I think the
company card's going to melt down.

Yeah, well, we're on the old champagne
from seven, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, mental. Yeah, listen up.

Oh, no, you're right. No, no, I've got
to go as well. Yeah, no.

No, I'm trying to get my head down.
Yeah, for a bit. All right, mate.

I'll speak to you later, yeah. Hey, I'll
tell you what. I'll give you a ring if

I've still got a bit of blood running
through me. I'll come... Hello?

Signal.

Re -e -dial. When the crowd clear box.

Hi,

James Markinweb. Can you put me through
to Rob Mullet, please?

Chilk Smith, then.

Kev Marv. Right, sorry, who hasn't gone
to lunch yet?

Richard E.

Oh, no, no, I know what you mean. Yeah,
he'll do, yeah. Thank you.

Ricardo, you fat bastard.

Martin Webb, how goes it?

Martin Webb?

Second floor.

Look, do you know Barry Cheeseman?

Yeah, exactly, I'm a big pal of his,
yeah.

Can you get a message to Perry
Blenkinsop for me, please, right? Can

him, right, that we won everything,
right? Just tell him that. And you can

him not to ring me, because I'm coming
back from London, I'm on the train, I'm

trying to get my head down for a... You
can give him the message.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal, hey, hang on. Do
you know who you're talking to?

Well, I'll tell you, you're talking to a
man, right, that spent yesterday

afternoon playing golf with Ralph
Harbin, yeah, right, spent 200 quid on a

suit from Oxford Street, right, that's
in London, yeah, right, flapped with a

prostitute.

Well,

I didn't know she was a prostitute, but,
you know, they probably spent that

amount of money on it anyway, so,
technicality.

Well, no, have you got to go? Yeah,
well, I've got to go first. Bye!

Hiya, you all right?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Do you want anything from the thingy,
your tamager?

All right. Listen, I might come sit in
smoking with you.

It's a bit dead in here.

Yeah. All right.

All right. No, I've got me inhaler. I'll
be all right. All right.

All right, ma 'am. I'll see you in a
minute.

Hey, ma 'am, this will kill you. No,
you're all right. I've got to go as

Yeah, all right.

See you later. Bye.

Okay, three, two, one.

Stop twisting.

Okay, honker.

Me, me. Hey, hey.

Okay, boo.

Well done, very good. Hey, it's long,
isn't it? Like your face?

Jill, let's see what you've got for us.

That's the fifth headless body we've
pulled out of the river this month.

No, it's been in the drink too long.

There's obviously some psycho out there.

Not necessarily, Whittaker.

The lady who did this may be every bit
as sane as you or I.

Why do you think it's a lady, ma 'am?

Because statistically, there are more
ladies than chaps in London.

Now, I can't be certain, but logically,
the perpetrator of these crimes is more

likely to be a lady than a chap.

It's going to be a nightmare to identify
the body.

No head, no fingerprints.

I would have thought that would have
made it easier.

How's that, ma 'am?

Think about it, Whitaker. How many
people in London do you know without

fingerprints?

Anyone like that would stick out a mile.

But when they were alive, they would
have had heads and fingerprints, ma 'am.

The cause of death in these cases may
not necessarily be decapitation.

So, you mean they were killed before
they were decapitated?

You know, technically it is possible to
live without a head.

You know the phrase about headless
chickens running around?

They don't live for very long, ma 'am.

They fall over after a few seconds.

You couldn't live a normal life as a
chicken without a head.

I couldn't live a normal life as a
chicken without a head?

Don't be too sure.

No, not you, ma 'am. A chicken.

Well, then, are you saying that a
chicken's life is a normal life?

What's normal about having feathers and
eating grain?

I'm not exactly sure where you're going
with this, ma 'am.

You're still learning, aren't you,
Whittaker?

I like to think I do a good professional
job.

I used to go to embroidery classes when
I was a child.

And I learnt more about being a
detective from those embroidery classes

ever did at...

That place where I learned to be a
detective.

One day you will.

One day you will.

You've been waiting so long. It really
should only be family, but we're having

problems contacting them. Oh, that's OK.
I just want a minute.

Well, I'll be back in a second, then I'm
afraid you'll have to leave. Yes, of

course.

Anthony, it's Sandra Graham from Folsom.

I don't know if you can hear me, but I
just want to say I'm so sorry. I know

this is all my fault.

If you can hear me, please give me a
sign.

Just to let me know you're...

You're all right.

Nothing.

It's a lot of rubbish, isn't it?

It's a pound shop, Nan.

What a load of old shit.

Nan. I won't give you a thank you for
any of it.

Well, come on then, let's go.

Hang on, hang on.

What's this?

It's the bus -tomatic.

Dramatically increases bus size in only
five minutes a day.

What a load of old shit.

How much is it?

It's a pound.

How much is this, love?

They're a pound.

I'm talking... Everything's a pound.

Everything's a pound?

Oh, well, that ain't bad, is it?

Oh, that's very reasonable.

I don't know where I put it all, but
I'll take it off your hands for a pound.

No, Nan, it's a pound per item.

What, each?

Every single thing is a pound.

It's a pound shop.

What, 20 shillings?

Oh, that's scandalous money, that, isn't
it?

How much is that?

It's a pound.

What is it?

It's the garden gnome.

What's it do?

It sits in your garden.

I'll take a couple of them. They don't
eat nothing, do they?

Come on, Nan, we've got to go.

Hang on, watch this.

Uh, jam jars. Come on, you don't want
them.

How much are they?

They're a pound.

What, for all three?

Yep, you get three for a pound. Oh.

What do you want them for? Come on,
then. We've got to go.

Here, here. I ain't told you. Oh.

What?

She's dead, then.

Who? That Jackson woman flat above me.

Dead. What?

Yeah, it's terrible, isn't it? Oh, it
frightens her life. I mean, it does.

Hang on a minute. Mrs Jackson's dead?
Yeah.

Well, how did she die?

What are you talking about?

She's dead.

I know.

Well, shut up then.

Oh, my God.

I know, that's what I'm trying to tell
you. I don't even like talking about it

because it frightens me so much.

Don't know what to do to be right, do
you, those poor children?

I can't believe it. Yeah, well, it's
true.

She's dead.

I didn't even know she was ill.

Well, she ain't no more.

Who told you she was dead?

What?

Who told you? Oh, leave off.

Who told you? No one. I don't need
telling, I know.

Oh, my God.

Now, look, the woman's dead, so let her
rest in peace.

Get the dog.

Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?

I'll have a couple of them, I think.

Nan? Jan, Jan.

Nan? Can't have too many, can you?

Now... What?

Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?

Well, I ain't seen her for four days.

Oh, for God's sake.

Now, let me see. Are they all in threes?

All in threes, are they?

Oh, I could do with four.

These are a pair of love.

Do you need a bag?

What? Do you need to carry a bag?

Of course I need to carry a bag. Where
do you think I'm going to carry them? On

me head?

and a penny, please.

What?

Now, they charge for carriers because
everything's only a pound in the first

place. A pound for a carrier?

No, now, the jam jars are a pound, the
carriers are a penny.

You've got to pay for the carriers?

Yeah, look, I've got a pound and a penny
here.

What? Don't you dare. When have I ever
taken money off you as God is my judge?

Do you want the carrier or not?

Oh, fucking chill out.

Trust me, madam, there's a queue. If you
want to look at them, can you go and

stand over there, please?

I haven't got time to be standing
anywhere.

I've got an appointment.

People have got better things to do than
sifting through old tut in here.

Come on, you, you're making me late.

What a load of old shit.

Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, not at all.

And you know, if there's anything at all
the company can do... Oh, thank you,

that means so much.

I know he was only with you for a year,
but Tony always said how much he loved

working at Folsom.

He had such a great future with us.

Such a tragic loss.

This is Sandra Graham, by the way. She
was Tony's manager.

Oh, you're Sandra Graham.

Well, he must have meant you.

I'm sorry?

The last night at the hospital, Tony
managed to say a few words.

He said he had a message for you.

It didn't make much sense to us, but
maybe it will mean something to you.

What did he say?

Well, he said to do this.

And say, last hit.

Sandra, are you all right?

of adventure he was dressed to thrill
wherever he went he said let's make love

on the mountain top under the stars on a
big hard rock I said in these

shoes I don't think so