All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s01e04

I see Jackie today.

Did you?

Yes. Has she seen Shelley?

No. She ain't seen Shelley?

She ain't seen her.

Well, how do you know?

She told me.

What did she say?

She said, I ain't seen her.

What? She told you she ain't seen her?

Well, Arthur, I think Shelly, she said
no.

She said no? She said no, she's gone on
holiday.

She's gone on holiday?

She's gone on holiday.

What's she gone on holiday for?

I don't know.

Where's she gone, Ibiza?

I said, where's she gone, Ibiza? She
said, no, she's gone to Zimbabwe.

She's gone to Zimbabwe?

She's gone to Zimbabwe.

What's she gone to Zimbabwe for?

I don't know.

I thought she was going to Ibiza.

I said, I thought she was going to
Ibiza.

She said, no, she's going to Zimbabwe. I
said, what's she going to Zimbabwe for?

She said, I don't know.

It's funny, isn't it?

I couldn't believe it.

Where is Zimbabwe?

I don't know.

Just on High Street's fine.

How much will that be?

About 12 quid. Oh, great.

No, no, it's washed.

Just a quick wash. No, it's clean,
please.

Oh, they don't say no for an answer, do
they?

No. It's unbelievable. Every day they do
that. Every day. I have to say no.

You know what you could do?

What's that?

Well, you could just get out of your car
and just say, no, no, no, no! I said

no! And then just get his pail of water
and clean it right over his greasy, flea

-ridden head. And he'll be like, ow,
that's hot. Ow, ow, that's hot. Ow,

hot. And then just give him one
backhander. One swift backhander right

his steamy red face.

Wow. Hitler -worshipping pikey gum.

Actually, just around the corner is
fine.

Was it £12?

No, no, just call it £10.

Am I late?

No, bang on time, as usual, Geoff.

Oh, have we got company?

No, it's two for one on Fexton tonight.

Oh, well, then, shall I have that one
and get the next round in?

Er... Well, I've nearly finished this
one, so...

Right. Right, I'll just... Actually, no,
I won't

bother. I can't stop for long.

Now, we... Bunty, love, do you want to
take your hat off?

Well, the thing is, Jeff, it's a new one
and I'm trying to break it in before

the league nationals.

Maybe just for this meeting.

You're the boss.

Now, as you know, we've got your big
presentation to organise at some point.

just wanted to go through a few last
-minute details.

I've told you, Jeff, I don't want anyone
making a fuss.

Come on, now. How many people do you
know that have been a major for 25

Those kids have had enough by the time
they're 15.

What can I say, Jeff?

I love...

Spinning a baton in my life.

Aye.

Now, I think we should let you know the
line -up for Leeds.

Far away.

OK. Front row, I've got Lauren, Ashley,
Danielle and little Gemma Graham.

Right, can I stop you there, Jess?

Gemma Graham on the front row?

Shouldn't she be in Tiny Tots? She was
in Tiny Tots last year. There are no

awards in Tiny Tots.

I'm sorry, Jess, but Gemma should be in
Tiny Tots.

This could be the tip of the ice cube.

I mean, if you put her in the main team
this year, who knows what her demands

will be next year.

Bunty, she won't have any demands. She's
six.

I'm putting her in the main team and
that's that.

Well, come on, Jeff.

On the front row, Gemma Graham, isn't
she going to look a little bit foolish?

We're one year's twirling experience
standing next to me on the front row.

You're not on the front row this year.

Right.

What?

Well, I suppose second row is better
than nothing.

You're not on the second row either.

Oh.

I see.

Is there anything else I should know?

I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to tell
you like that. It's just that...

You're 31.

Every year we think you're going to, you
know, call it a day with the spinners,

but every year you just keep coming
back.

Look, I'm sorry, love, but we all feel
the time is right now for you to leave

the spinners.

Don't you, love?

Are you all right?

Oh, Jeff.

You really don't understand, do you?

It's not about medals or trophies.

It's not about getting my picture in the
local paper.

Yes, I may be a legend in some people's
eyes, but I have to step into my capsule

one leg at a time, just like everyone
else.

It's about marching shoulder to shoulder
with your fellow majorettes.

It's about watching each other's back
when a high throw goes up.

It's about having that sixth sense that
tells you that even though you can't

hear the music properly, you know you're
more or less in step with everybody

else.

It's the feeling, there are no words to
describe, when 25 individual

majorettes become one living, breathing
animal with the instinct of a fox

and the grace of a soaring kestrel.

I'm a John Caster spinner.

And you'll never know how proud I am to
say that.

And if the spinners asked me to leave,
well, I'd go.

And, of course, I'd carry on living, but
believe me, Jeff, my

heart would die.

I'm sorry love.

It's over.

What?

No.

What happened?

What have you done?

I can't believe it.

Come on, what have you done this time?

I can't tell you.

What do you mean you can't tell me?

You'll die.

When you know what I've done, you will
die.

You've got to tell me.

I've put the kettle on, make a cup of
tea.

Yeah. Well, I've gone back to my desk
and I'm sorting through some stuff and

of a sudden I can hear something behind
me.

What's behind you?

Well, I thought, what's behind me?

And I turned around, didn't I, like
that, have a look, and it's only shown

hasn't it?

What's she doing now?

She's standing by the kettle and she's
laughing.

What was she laughing for?

I said, what's she laughing for?

make a cup of tea? I said, I am. I just
put the kettle on. She said, no, you

ain't. I said, what you talking about?
You just see me do it.

She said, it ain't plugged in.

I said, what you mean it ain't plugged
in?

She said, you plugged in the cafeteria
instead.

don't you? No.

I've suddenly realised I've got the
leads mixed up.

Is that what's happened?

Well, it must be, mustn't it? I mean, it
makes sense, don't it? Well, I suppose

it would.

I've told Shona and she's looked at me
like that.

She said, I don't believe you. What are
you like?

It's so funny.

She told the other girls in the office
and they have collared.

facts. She's wet herself. She's laughing
so much.

Pauline from Personnel. She can't
breathe. She thinks it's so funny. And

time, poor Shona's nearly choking. It
was absolute bedlam.

She said to me, you are a liability.

What are you like?

I said, well, you know what I'm like.
She said, I know what you're like. She

knows what I'm like.

What's a cafeteria?

Do you want it for dinner?

Oh, no, not at all.

Gosh, it's busy in here today, isn't it?

Yeah. Is it always like this? Yeah, it's
very popular.

OK, anyone who's already paid for
vegetarian lasagna? Sorry, guys, it's

gone. But you can have aubergine bake or
butternut squash risotto for the same

price. Oh, no, I don't believe it.

Oh, was that you?

Oh, how annoying.

Oh, well, never mind.

You know what you could do?

What? Well, you could just go up there.

Grab the dirty little soap dodger by the
snuff of its own chin and say, listen,

moon unit, why don't you pay as much
attention to how many veggie lasagnas

you've got left as you do to trying to
save the whale or whatever it is you do

when you're not rolling around in shit.

Stinking unicycle riding, tofu eating
hippies.

And then, get a big bloody steak.

And he'll be like, no, no, don't eat
meat.

And then poke it right down his throat
so he can't breathe.

And then give him a backhander. One
swift backhander. What a gaby vegetarian

face.

I think I might just get something else.

Aubergine bake is lovely.

In future, why don't you just admit you
can't read maps and save us the trouble

of getting lost? In future, why don't
you make it clear that the little

blue lines are different to the little
squiggly green ones? You have to have

every painfully obvious little thing
explained to you. No, I don't. Things

everybody else would take for granted.
No, they wouldn't. Just in case you

pulled it up.

All right, I won't interfere next time.

Can I have that in writing? You can do
it all yourself.

Good. See how you like it then. See how
you get on.

Well, we get to place a lot sooner, I
know that much.

I mean, why can't you just admit defeat
and say, I don't know what I'm doing. I

think we may be lost. Oh, shut up, Ben.

You're like an old woman. Instead of
pretending for two hours.

Two hours.

Jesus Christ. All right. All right.
You've made your point.

Little man.

What?

Little man syndrome.

That's what you've got.

Don't be stupid.

I'm a short, short little man. I get all
angry about things when actually I just

want to be a bit taller.

Maybe I am, but at least I can see above
the dashboard.

Good for you.

Shame you can't fit in the back seat,
though.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing.

And every day of my life is filled with
love and you.

Are you saying I'm fat?

I'm saying... Are you saying I'm fat?

All I'm saying is that maybe you're a
little bit sensitive about still having

jelly belly.

Excuse me?

Well, you know, it's been six months.
You probably thought you'd be back in

those jeans by now.

What has that got to do with anything?

Instead of pouring yourself into those
maternity slacks every morning.

Concentrate on the road, you evil little
dwarf.

Dunkin' Donuts. Midget.

It's been such an absolutely mental day
today. You wouldn't believe it.

Lunchtime, right? Aileen said to me,
what do you fancy? And I said, well, I

thinking about a jacket potato.

And she said, I mean, I feel like to go
pret a manger. And I said, well, why

don't I walk down with you? Because it's
on the same way.

In the end, we've ended up sharing
jacket, potato, cottage cheese and a

soiree, so it's all worked out quite
well.

We've gone back to work, we've got in
the lift, next thing I know, the lift's

stopped, the doors have opened, she's
walked out, I've followed her out, I've

taken one look around me.

I'm only on the fifth floor, am I?

I'm only on the fifth floor in human
resources.

You don't work in human resources, babe.

I know!

She said to me, what are you doing up
here? You don't work up here. I said,

know what I've done, don't you? I've
only followed you out at night. She said

me, you're a lunatic.

What are you going to do now? I said, I
think I'll just walk back down.

What's human resources?

I love you.

I love you.

don't you?

Yeah, one day.

We have spoken about it. It would be
nice.

Jenny Topley's just had another one. Has
she?

Yeah, I'm surprised she's got time for
anything else.

Not her first, then. Jenny Topley?

Her first? You know Jenny Topley?

Do I?

Jenny Topley from the canteen. You've
heard me speak about her loads of times.

Oh, yeah.

Guess how many kids she's got now.

Oh. How many kids has she got now?

I wouldn't have a clue.

Well, then have a guess.

You've heard me talk about her. She's
always pregnant.

I really have no idea.

Yes, you do. Come on, Jenny.

Kids are up toply. How many? Just guess.

I don't know. Come on, how many kids has
she got now?

I have no idea. Just have a guess.

Twelve.

Twelve?

Who has twelve kids?

She's a woman, not a cat.

Oh, life.

Five. Five? Am I speaking another
language? No, she hasn't got five.

All right, eight.

Seven.

She's got seven kids.

Seven? Wow, that's a lot of kids.

Yes, it is.

Seven more than you'll ever have, you
barren old twerp.

I just don't see the point of it myself.

Well, there's a long history of street
theatre in this area.

Yeah. I've seen him before.

Not this one, though.

I just can't see what he's supposed to
be doing.

Actually, it does get on your nerves a
bit, doesn't it?

It makes you want to walk up to him, get
him in a headlock and say, what in the

name of Christ are you doing with your
life?

Mincing around like a big old Mary Ann,
dressed like some sort of dinghy.

You're nearly 50, for God's sake. What
do your children say?

My daddy hangs around public places
wearing makeup and scaring people.

Come on, you should just give him a
backhander. One swift backhander, right?

Saggy chow, painted old face.

That'd bring him to his senses, wouldn't
it?

I quite like the man that does the
juggling here, though.

Yes, he is wonderful.

Hello, Lauren. How can I help you? Yeah,
I've got like this to give you, innit?

Thank you.

One second, Lauren.

This is a note requesting you to be
excused from games.

Yeah, that's why I'm giving it to you,
is it?

Why are you giving it to me? You should
give it to Miss Harris.

No, because I tried to find her, yeah,
but she went there or nothing.

Lauren, you have to find Miss Harris and
give this to her, OK? As your form

tutor, I can't excuse you from a subject
that I don't teach.

I'm a bother.

I'm above it, though.

Look, I can't help you. I'm not
bothered, though.

This has nothing to do with me. I'm not
bothered, though.

Lauren, you're not even listening to me.
Yeah, but I'm above it.

I don't know where you get this
attitude.

Are you talking about my family?

I beg your pardon?

Are you disrespecting my family? All I'm
saying is... Are you disrespecting my

family, though? I never mentioned your
family.

Are you ignoring my family?

Lauren... Are you ignoring my family,
though? Lauren, you're a bright girl. Do

care? You could do well. Do I care,
though? You've just applied yourself.

I don't care, mate.

I'm just wasting my time now. Let's go
and find Miss Harris or you're going to

be marked absent.

But do I look bothered?

No, Lauren, you don't look bothered. And
I'm sure you'll agree, neither do I.

But am I bothered?

had your holiday yet?

Yeah, we went to Cornwall. Nice.

I booked my holiday this morning.

Good for you. You deserve a break.

Two weeks.

Brilliant.

Listen, do you mind if I just get on
with this? Sorry.

Egypt, Cairo, land of the pharaohs.

The pyramid.

Wow, sounds amazing.

Yeah, we get there by boat all the way
down the Nile, boiling hot apparently.

Lovely. Hoot and come.

Four stars.

Bang in the middle of Cairo. Brilliant.

En -suite bathrooms, camel rides,
waiters in local costumes.

Sounds like you've done really well.

Packed luncheons on the excursion.

Wow.

Guess how much I paid for all that.

Oh, how much did I pay for all that?
I've no idea.

Just have a guess.

I really wouldn't have a clue.

Doesn't matter. Just have a guess.

En -suite bathroom.

I really don't know.

Take a wild guess.

Camel ride.

I really wouldn't like to.

Have a guess.

Have a guess.

I don't know.

Doesn't matter. It won't kill you. Have
a guess. I can't think. Say a number.

80 pounds.

80 pounds?

80 pounds?

I'm going to Egypt, not phoning it.

I'm listening.

It's the holiday of a lifetime.

500. Right, have you ever been on a
camel?

650. 700.

700. And 11 pounds.

Actually, did you say packed lunches on
the excursions?

That's really reasonable.

Yes, it is.

I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. Shut
it up, you're off.

Yeah. Yep.

No,

I'm all right, thanks, Nan.

No, just eating.

No,

I don't want anything.

What?

I'll have a coffee.

Oh, I ain't got time for coffees.

Now, come on, clear all that lot up. I'm
expecting company.

Who are you expecting?

It's Thursday, isn't it? Meals on
wheels.

It's only Brenda. It's hardly royalty.

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong,
see?

Because I got myself a new chap, ain't
I?

Got myself a new chap bringing up me
dinners.

Now, what are you talking about? What's
happened to Brenda?

Don't talk to me about that dirty,
thieving bastard.

What have you done now?

I got rid of her.

Oh, I got myself a new chap. Oh, you
want to see him? Lovely head of hair

got. He's called Gavin.

And he's better than that thieving
shithouse that was robbing me blind.

I don't use that.

That'll be him now.

You're not giving him a key to the flat,
are you? Of course I've given him a key

to me flat. Who do you think he is,
Eddie? Fucking Houdini.

I won't dance.

Don't ask me.

I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Madam, I'm with you.

My heart won't let my feet do things
they should do.

So if you hold me in your arms...

I got you something special this week.
There was only one left and I saved you

it. Oh, you are a good boy.

Coming up all this way.

I'm Jamie, Mrs Taylor's grandson.

Yes, yes, I can see you are. You're
obviously a whole family of lookers,

you? Yeah, he's very short.

I bet you've broken a few hearts with
those eyes. I say, Princess, I bet he's

broken a few hearts with those eyes.
Yeah, he's got glasses, but he won't

them. He'll be blind. the time is 30.

I can't remember.

Here's your tight.

And... Your chain. Oh, you are a good
boy, ain't you? Now, listen, I've got a

nice bit of salmon in that fridge. You
take that, have it for your dinner.

No, that salmon's for you. You asked for
it. Mind your own business, you.

He gets on my nerves, he does keep
coming up here.

I can't make him out.

I mean, you'd think a boy of his age
would be interested in girls, but no.

I wouldn't worry about it. I was the
same at his age.

I am interested in girls.

Nan, when Gavin's gone, I'd like a word
with you, please.

Mate, it's a cup of tea. We're gasping.
I can't stay anyway.

No! Got a rehearsal tonight, so...

Got to get over to Dulwich after I
finish feeding my girl. Oh, you are a

boy, aren't you? Running about after
people. Oh, what a darling.

So? Yes? I'll see you next week?

Not if I see you first!

tights up and all. What a darling, eh? I
don't know what I'd do without him.

American tan?

American fucking tan?

Who do you think I am, Carmen Miranda?

I thought he was your new chap.

Can't even get me a simple pair of
tights, the lazy, fat, bug -eyed fairy.

What have you brought me up here? Not
lamb.

Not fucking lamb, is it?

Oh, that's all I need, isn't it? Oh,
don't turn me, stomach.

And look at it, not even a drop of gravy
on it either.

No, you like lamb. Listen, this would
never have happened with Brenda.

That's you, that is, making me get rid
of her.

You got shot at me lovely Brenda, didn't
you? Just so you could sit there making

eyes at that bow -legged, umpty -backed
freak show.

up here worrying the fucking life out of
me with some of Dar's routines.

Oh, they want shooting, they really do.

Now, you like lamb, you know you do.
Now, you like lamb, you know you do.

up. Go in there and get me some mint
sauce, you useless poof.

Come on, it's getting cold.

I got my lunch from that new sandwich
shop.

Avocado, tomato and whole milk, soy and
mayonnaise.

£3 .20.

I once met a man with a sense of
adventure.

He was dressed to thrill wherever he
went. He said, let's make love on the

mountaintop. Under the stars on a big
hard rock. I said in these shoes.

I don't think so.