All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s01e03

All change, please. Train terminates
soon.

All change.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, this is the last stop.

Am I bothered?

Pardon? Am I bothered, though?

This is the last stop.

But am I bothered?

Do you know what I said?

Do you know what I said? I said you have
to get off. Do you know what I said,

though? Look, love, I'm not going to
argue with you. What did you call me?

Can we earn anything? Did you call me
love, though?

I'm just asking to get off the train. I
ain't your love, though. You have to get

off. Oh, you just picked me.

You just picked the last stop. Oh, you
just picked me, though.

Do you want to find what I said?

Do you want to find what I said, though?
You ain't got the train off to the

police. Am I bothered?

I'm warning you. Do I look bothered?
It's up to you. Look at my face. Is it

bothered? I'm not arguing with you. Look
at my face. Is it bothered, though?

This train's not going anywhere.

Yeah, but is my face bothered?

You picked the last stop and you have to
get off. I ain't bothered.

Mummy, how did it go last night?

Oh, darling, aren't you sweet to ask me
that?

Was it the triumph?

Was it Stella?

Well, you know Mummy will always tell
you the truth, don't you?

Of course we do. We have no secrets.

And it's because I want you to grow up
to be brave little soldiers that I'm

going to be honest with you and tell you
that... that last night, Mummy almost

ran out of extra virgin olive oil.

It was horrific. I was stranded in the
kitchen and we were having guests for

supper. I opened the cupboard and I was
down to the last four bottles.

Mummy, you're shaking.

I just could not cope.

You know, the reality is so different to
anything you can imagine and I was

blindsided by it.

It just completely floored me. We had no
idea.

Are you OK talking about this? You know,

really, I'm fine. It happened and I got
through it. I had to get through it. I

had bruschetta in the agar, I had olives
marinating in the larder, I had sea

bass on the griddle. I was going to need
at least another litre for drizzling

alone. What did you do?

I knew I had to do something. I knew I
had to get help. And somewhere amidst

chaos and the despair, I suddenly felt
this surge of strength and calm rise

within me.

How amazing.

It was, actually.

I had the presence of mind to phone
Daddy, and thank God I did, because he

fantastic. He said to me, don't worry,
because I can buy some from the shop on

my way home.

And he did.

Did he really?

He did, yeah, he absolutely did.

Just like that.

He came in like a knight in shining
armour and saved my life.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

He was fantastic.

I shudder to think what would have
happened if I hadn't been able to reach

What if he'd been driving through a
tunnel and lost his signal?

You'd have had to get in the car and
drive to the top yourself.

So let's go upsetting ourselves.

Gosh, it really does put everything into
perspective, doesn't it?

What are you thinking, ma 'am?

I'm thinking, how about this?

Suppose, just for the sake of argument,
that the bullet didn't enter the body.

But it did, ma 'am.

He's dead, and it's because of the
bullet going straight through his heart.

Yes, I know that, Whittaker, but for the
sake of argument, let's say the bullet

did not enter the body.

Well, that would mean that Stevens would
still be alive.

Exactly.

If there was no bullet...

Stevens would still be very much alive.

But he's not, ma 'am. He's dead.

I know that, Whittaker.

But just suppose there was no Bullock.

What would that mean?

Well, it would mean that Stevens would
still be alive and we wouldn't be here

investigating his murder.

Exactly.

I'm not exactly sure where you're going
with this, ma 'am.

I want you to shoot me with the murder
weapon, Whittaker.

What?

Take this and shoot me in the heart.

Um... Just do it. It'll be perfectly
okay.

I just need to be certain that a bullet
in the heart is enough to kill someone.

I think... You know, I'm sure it will
kill you, ma 'am.

Just squeeze the trigger.

I've... Really don't want to kill you,
ma 'am.

How do you know you'll kill me?

This is a .44 Magnum, and I'm standing a
foot away from you.

Oh, Whitaker, Whitaker.

Just when I thought you were making
progress.

Did you go to the cafe at lunchtime?
Yeah.

You see Donna?

I've not told you about Donna, have I?

What? I didn't see her today.

You didn't see Donna?

I didn't see her.

Why didn't you see her?

She didn't turn up.

She didn't turn up? No.

What do you mean, no?

She weren't there.

Where was she?

I don't know.

So what did you do? Well, I've waited,
haven't I? Well, yeah, you'd have to

wait, wouldn't you? I'm sitting there
waiting for her.

And did she turn up? She's not turned
up. And you're waiting for her? I'm

waiting for her. I'm sitting there.

On your own?

No.

Still not turned up? Still not turned
up.

And I'm sitting there waiting for her on
my own like a nutter.

Oh, don't make me laugh.

I can't believe it.

Was Vicky working?

Well, she's seen me walking, hasn't she?

So she's been watching you? Yeah, she's
been clocking me the whole time. Oh, how

funny. She's seen me come in and look
round for Donna.

But she knows Donna's not there.

Oh, yeah, she knows Donna's not there.

But she's let you carry on looking
round. She has let me carry on. I bet

laughing, wasn't she?

She was in fits.

Oh, what must she have looked like?

I don't know.

So what's happened?

Well, I've ordered me lunch, haven't I?
Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you?

I've ordered me tuna and a baguette and
a cappuccino, and I thought she'll have

a rocky road crunch for afters, and I
thought, no, I'd better not, because I

a bag of Snackerjacks on the way to work
this morning. I thought, don't pay

Louis, Sam.

She's hot, my coffee's cold, she's still
ain't turned up. What is my life like?

Who served you?

Gino, he's out of control.

Oh, I'm glad you received that. I said
to Vicky, wait till I tell my pa he'll

love this.

It's like a film sometimes, your life,
isn't it?

You know, that is exactly right.

Stella. That'll be yours.

And a pint of Armstrong's. Oh,
perfection.

Oh.

Do you know, there's only one thing
better than a pint of real ale.

Two pints.

Oral sex.

I was only joking.

Right, Bonte, love, we've got your award
here, but...

Before we send it to the engravers, we
just need you to approve the

Presented to commemorate 25 years of
unfailing service to the Doncaster

Spinners, Bunty Carmichael, a major,
majorette.

Oh, yes.

It's beautiful.

It's more than beautiful.

It's lovely.

Well, you've had a long run with the
Spinners.

It's only fair you bow out in style.

Bow out?

What do you mean, bow out? Bunky, love,
don't spoil it. You know we've spoken

about this before.

No, we've spoken about whether I want to
go into the individuals.

And I've told you time after time, I
don't.

I'm team player, Jeff.

You know that.

I know, and we all admire enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm? Oh, is that what I've got?

Enthusiasm?

You don't get those.

for enthusiasm, Jeff.

Sheffield, 1992.

Best original twirl. Eastbourne, 1981.

Best overall presentation.

Halifax, 2001.

Best combination twirl.

Hull, 1989.

Endurance champion.

That's not a sash with medals on it,
Jeff.

Blood, sweat and tears.

That's what that is.

Blood, sweat.

Look, nobody's questioning your ability.

You're the best we've got.

It's just that, without you, the average
age of the team is 12.

You know yourself you'd be better suited
with a display team that have got

members near your own age. I mean, what
about Drum Corps?

Drum Corps?

Are you serious?

They're doing very well in the
regionals. And I just spoke to Dougie X

night. He's in dire need of 12ers. Yes,
exactly.

Regionals! They're doing very well in
the regionals.

I'm national, Geoff. You know I am.

I'm on the brink of European.

Look, it's not just your age we've got
to consider, Bunty. There are other

things as well.

Such as?

Well, I mean, safety.

Meaning? Your new display twirl. The Big
Dipper.

What about it? The Big Dipper. I mean,
your baton's going up 25 foot in the

You know, when I catch that throw...

Bring the house down, yes. I know it
does, but when you don't catch it,

bringing children down.

You're lucky we've not been sued.

25 years.

I don't know what to say.

All right, all right, look, look.

We're about teaching.

Jeff.

What I do, you can't teach.

Very St Edmund, 1989.

When I broke the 412 per minute barrier,
there was an official inquiry to see if

my baton had been electronically
enhanced.

After the all -clear, MC Alan Amos
christened me the Twelminator.

How am I going to teach that?

I don't know.

And it's not just about ability.

What about dedication?

Do you remember Bradford 94?

I brought both wrists going for the
speed record.

Doctor told me I wouldn't twirl for six
months.

Next Saturday, where was I?

I was there, on the front row with both
arms in plaster, blowing a whistle and

doing eye kicks.

But if that's not good enough for you,
Jeff, well, that's fine by me.

Bunty love, why don't we... No, Jeff,
don't.

You've said enough.

Cheers.

I get no doubt.

So I'm like, ew. And he's like, wow.

And I'm like, dude.

And he's like, cool.

And I'm like, so?

And he's like, well.

And I'm like, fine.

And he's like, great. And I'm like, duh.

And he's like, what?

And I'm like, no.

And he's like, yes. And I'm like, bye.

And he's like, oh.

You must be Carol.

How's it going?

Oh, hello.

I'm Bernie.

Hi, Bernie.

Oh, you just moved from St. Anne's,
haven't you? Yeah, that's right.

All right, not having any bother with
any of the porters?

No, everyone's made me feel really
welcome.

Oh, grand, cos, you know, one or two of
them can be a little bit frisky, if you

know what I mean.

Especially Malcolm in A &E.

I mean, you have to give him the old
green light, but after that, he won't

no for an answer.

He's got big hands, you know what I'm
saying?

I hear you've got the busiest A &E
department in the region. I wouldn't

bit of experience there. Oh, you'll get
experience there, all right!

There's a lovely black guy, Colin,
security, works nights.

My God, he's one big lump of a man.

Right, when I said experience, I was
referring to nursing.

Oh, God, will you listen to me?

You must think I'm a right whore.

No, I just mean, you know, they're a
decent bunch of lads, you know, for the

crack, you know.

Right, well, I think that's my lunch, so
I'd better get on. Oh, right, yeah,

you're going to the canteen?

Oh, here, I'll walk down with you.

Because, you know, I was just saying to
Big Karen on the desk, we need a bit of

new blood in here, you know what I mean?
Something young with a bit of life.

I tell you, it's nigh on impossible to
get anyone to go on the pool with these

days.

What do you say, Carol? Me and you, a
few Bacardi breezes, a couple of big

nappies down the archway tavern, you
know what I mean?

I've got a partner, so probably not.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, haven't we

all, though? You know, I mean, just
because you're on a diet doesn't mean

can't dribble over the menu, does it?

Actually, Carol, I should probably warn
you, there's been a few problems on

Queen Elizabeth's ward.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Old fella in for a
brain scan. Keeps exposing himself to

female stuff.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Actually, when I say old, he's not
really old. He's probably about late

know, obviously taking quite good care
of himself.

Bernie, this is very serious.

I know.

Who else knows about this? Oh, he
doesn't do it all the time.

Thursday nights are usually the best. I
think there's some sort of sexy

programme on Channel 4 he likes.

Certainly puts the lead in his pencil,
you know what I mean?

I don't think you realise how serious
this matter is.

And to be honest, it sounds as though
you're encouraging him.

Oh, no, believe me, Carol, he doesn't
need any encouragement.

He's like a puppy in a sausage factory.

I mean, fair play to him, it's not the
biggest one I've ever seen on the ward,

but you know what they say, if it's more
than a mouthful, it's a waste.

Bernie, since I started here on Monday,
I have tried not to listen to the

rumours about you.

But it seems everything they say is
true.

Oh, thanks, Carol, that's really sweet.

That wasn't a compliment.

I've had to go round the ward and redo
all the beds you made this morning.

Half of them hadn't even had their
sheets changed. No, no, Carol, no.

Between you and me, what I tend to do is
I give them a good sniff and if they're

not too whiffy, I just leave them on for
another couple of days.

I didn't hear that, Bernie. Right. What
I tend to do is... Bernie!

I'm going to go and get my lunch now.

And after that, I'm going to request a
meeting with Sister Hughes.

Yeah, Christ, Carol, no worries, yeah.
Go and get your lunch, yeah.

I'm cutting down myself.

Got to write a lot of address for the
summer. I'm going to get into it if it

kills me.

Yeah, you wish.

So I'm like, so bored.

And he's like, hey there. And I'm like,
hey, you.

And he's like, one hang.

And I'm like, okay.

And he's like, oh, really?

And I'm like, whatever.

And he's like, Supremo.

And I'm like, uh -oh. And he's like,
baby.

And I'm like, excuse me? And he's like,
you want me? And I'm like, seriously?

And he's like, totally.

And I'm like, nah.

And he's like, yeah.

And I'm like, no way.

And he's like, you bet.

And I'm like, I don't think so.

And he's like, you're right. And I'm
like, loser.

And he's like, slut.

Hello, Nan.

Yeah. Yeah,

brought you Guinness.

You're all right?

No, I'm not. I'm fucking raving.

What's the matter now?

They still ain't been to do me windows,
have they?

I waited in all day.

They said they'd be every 12 o 'clock,
but there's no sign of them.

I've sat here on my own like a poor
unfortunate.

Well, you know what the council are
like.

I'm frightened out of my life. People
are going to think I'm lousy.

They'll take one look at them windows
and think this is a doss house.

I wouldn't mind if I could get up there
and do it myself, but I can't climb,

see? Well, I'll do it for you.

No, you won't. Not having you breaking
your neck. No, no, you can let that lock

do it.

No good layabouts.

Three times I've rang her, that Roberts
woman.

Who's she?

District. Elvin Officer of Summit,
innit?

Ah, great big office she's got and she's
getting paid for sitting there

scratching herself.

Oh, it makes me wild.

And I wouldn't mind, but you can bet
your life they're going to send round

poor silly cods who don't know shit from
clay.

The last one they sent, he didn't bring
his stepladder so he couldn't reach the

tops of me windows. They don't want the
work, see?

Oh, come on. Why don't I just do it?
I'll just get on the chair.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare. I'm not having you
risking your life. No, no.

Oh, no. Wouldn't they like it, eh?

Oh, yes.

Yes, that would suit them, wouldn't it,
eh?

Everyone doing their own windows.

People climbing up and falling out and
killing themselves.

It won't take two minutes. Don't you get
on that chair. If you get on that

chair, I won't let you through that door
anymore. I'm your first Holy Communion.

I won't let you up here. All right, all
right. Sorry, I'm sorry.

That's it.

See what they do to me?

fucking low life.

I bet that's him now.

What's the time?

Look at the time. I'll pass four.

Twelve o 'clock they said they'd be at.
Oh, they make you sick.

I'll go now. Stay here, please.

Keep me waiting, that's all right.

Steve's in here, I think.

Oh, sorry to be so late, Mr. Poehler.

Oh, what's that?

See someone at the door?

It's the window cleaner from the
council.

Who is it? I know you've been waiting. I
do apologise.

Oh, was that today?

Oh, I didn't realise that was today.

Yeah, Wednesday.

You know, I'm sorry I'm two men down
this week. I've had to do the whole of

nursing home on my own. Oh, don't worry
about me, darling. I don't take your

notice. I mean, it don't matter to me if
I ain't done today.

No, no, it's no trouble at all. Oh,
don't worry about filling up your bucket

with water, son. No, just wipe them
over. That's all I know.

Would you like a cup of tea?

I fell a cup of tea to Garsby. Fine,
actually. The ladies at the nursing home

kept me well supplied.

Did they?

Poor dears.

Have a sandwich, then.

That's very kind, but I won't, thanks.

I've got a lovely bit of boiled bacon in
there. No, really.

I'll just nip to the van, get my step
ladder, and I'll get up the top of the

window. Oh, don't worry about that,
darling. You can't see up there. No

looking at my windows anyway.

Sure, it's no problem.

No, no. That's lovely what you've done
there. That's all I want.

Oh, I'm very much obliged to you,
sweetheart.

Truly I am. Well, that won't take long.
I'll be offering.

All right, sweetheart.

Take care.

Thank you very much.

Much obliged to you. I really am. I mean
it.

What a fucking liberty.

on the phone tomorrow morning a bit
like, he had to go and do the nursing

What do they care?

Before that silly old lot, half of them
are sitting in their own piss.

The rest of them are smearing the walls
with shit.

What do they care if their windows are
clean or not?

Why did you just say that? Get up there
and do them windows.

I'll have people talking about me now.

I thought you said that... Get on...

Jane Figgis is 34 and lives in York.
She's travelled over 4 ,000 miles to

Dallas, Texas to marry a man she's never
met.

Jeremiah Wainwright III is a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal. He is

currently on death row awaiting
execution.

It's strange how fate can bring two
people together.

I was surfing on the internet.

That just means looking.

And I typed in Midsomer Murders. And up
came Midsomer Murderer. And I thought,

oh, what's that? And then I read his
little ad and I dropped him a line.

And here we are.

I had no idea that in less than two
years we'd go from simple pen pals to

and Wise.

It's funny, isn't it?

I was only after a signed picture of
John Nettles.

How was the journey?

Well, the taxi driver turned up but
wouldn't let me in.

cab. He'd seen an article about me in
the local paper. I mean, everyone's

entitled to their own opinion, but it's
not very nice being pushed out of

someone's car and being called a nutter
on the happiest day of your life, is it?

I missed a direct flight, so it was 19
hours by Greyhound bus from Atlanta to

Georgia. But I did sit next to a very
nice man from Louisiana called Book.

He gave me a number.

I shan't be ringing him, of course.

How did you feel when you finally
arrived in Texas?

It was very emotional, actually.

I mean, I felt as if I'd come home,
which is odd because I was actually born

Twickenham. Mind you, Texas, Twickenham,
it's the same initial, T.

I hadn't thought of that before.

I suppose it was the realisation that I
was walking on the same ground as my

beloved. I mean, not literally,
obviously.

He's strapped to a board most of the
day. But, you know, breathing in the

air.

It's a once -in -a -lifetime feeling.

Is that a wedding present?

Yeah. It's just a little love token.

Last minute with brown duty, free of
truth to tell.

I thought... I thought this might be
fun.

And then I thought, no, get him
something he really liked.

He's a slave to shortbread.

What do your friends think of this?

Oh, you can imagine what they say.
You're doing the wrong thing.

It'll never work.

It's a ridiculous idea.

You're mad.

But to be honest, I think that's always
going to be the case when a woman

marries someone considerably younger.

You think that's their concern? They're
not concerned. They're not concerned at

all. To be honest, it's just jealousy.
That's all it is.

Could it be? I'm falling in love with
you, baby.

Sorry, me and my friend Jen used to do
that all the time. Go on.

Oh.

All right, that'll be me then.

Good luck.

I've had more than my fair share of
luck.

Down to me now.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah.

All done and dusted.

Is that it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I knew it was
going to be a short service because,

he's a big lad and it's difficult to
gauge the amount of sedatives to give

I mean, they don't want to kill him, but
on the other hand, they don't want him

lashing out with all the excitement.

So it was a quick I do.

And, well,

that was it, really.

I can't stand it when weddings drag on,
though, can you?

Will you be seeing Jerry later today?

No.

No, we haven't got another visiting
order now for four weeks.

So it's back to good old Blighty.

I might ask the pilot if he could tie
some tin cans around the back of the

plane.

No, actually, that would be dangerous.

So I'm in this bar and he comes over and
I'm thinking, oh my God. And he's like,

hi. And I'm like, hi.

And he's like, are you on your own? And
I'm like, yes. And he's like, no way.

And I'm like, it's true.

And he's like, I don't believe you. And
I'm like, come on. And he's like, I'm

serious. And I'm like, cut it out.

And he's like, am I embarrassing you?
And I'm like, can we stop?

And he's like, I saw you come in.

And I'm like, okay. And he's like, can I
get your drink? And I'm like, that'd be

great. And he's like, what do you want?
And I'm like, a soda.

And he's like, is that all?

And I'm like, what do you mean? And he's
like, on his own. And I'm like, yes.

And he's like, don't you drink? And I'm
like, no.

And he's like, why not? And I'm like,
none of your business.

And he's like, I'm only asking.

And I'm like, well, you started it. And
he's like, calm down.

And I'm like, I'm sorry. And he's like,
don't be. And I'm like, why should I?

And he's like, back off. And I'm like,
fuck you.

With a sense of adventure, he was
dressed to thrill.

Wherever he went, he said, let's make
love on the mountaintop.

Under the stars on a big hard rock. I
said, in which way?

I don't think so. Oh, I've won another
battle.