All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s01e01

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What's in here?

Well, here we are then.

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, no, thank you.

Well, goodnight.

Night.

Yeah.

You know, I don't really feel like going
home now.

Is there any chance for another drink?

Or a cup of coffee?

Jane, I know you want to come in.

And I know you probably want more than
just a drink or a cup of coffee.

It's just that I'm not drunk enough.

What's wrong, Claire?

Don't you like me? Of course I like you.

I'm just not... drunk enough to find you
attractive.

I really want to be drunk enough.

Why aren't you drunk now?

I am drunk now.

I can hardly turn up.

I'm just not drunk enough.

Is there anything I can do?

No.

Because you're just not attractive.

I took you to the Munich Beer Festival.

I know.

I thought that would be it. And I tried.

I drank my own body weight in German
beer.

I was completely out of my train the
whole time you were there.

I got arrested.

Twice.

But it still wasn't enough.

Maybe you'll never be drunk enough.

Oh, James, I do like you.

If only I could get so spectacularly
pissed I just wasn't aware of what you

looked like.

There's an operation you can have which
allows more alcohol into your

bloodstream. James, no.

My liver's wrecked as it is.

I've tried so much to try and find you
attractive.

The doctors say I may be dead within a
year.

Good night, James.

Give me a call.

You see Beyonce last night on the
television?

Yeah, man.

She is well fit.

That's a well nice song.

Yeah, she's fit as well. She's better
now she left Destiny's, don't you think?

Much better. But the other two were fit,
man.

Yeah, I love that tune.

Yeah, right, she's well bing bing.

What? I said Beyonce is well bing bing.
What is she, mate?

She's bing bing.

It's bling bling, mate.

Bling bling. What?

Bling bling.

Ching bing. That is bad.

Am I bothered?

That is funny, man.

Am I bothered, though? Take the shame,
man.

No, because I ain't bothered.

You're better than yourself up there,
though, innit? No, I ain't, because I

ain't bothered.

But that is funny, though, innit? No, it
ain't.

Well, look, just relax, all right? Don't
tell me what to do.

Come on, relax about it. Are you telling
me what to do?

No, I'm just saying don't worry about
it. Are you disrespecting me? No, I'm

disrespecting you. No, I'm not
disrespecting you. Are you disrespecting

No, wait a minute. No, because you're
disrespecting me. I'm not disrespecting

you just too much.

It was funny, though.

Are you stupid? No, I'm just saying
that.

I'm just laughing at you.

Look, I'm just laughing. Why don't you
shut up, though? I'm not laughing at you

or nothing.

Why don't you shut up, though? Because
it's just funny, ain't it? You don't

to shut up. Yeah, I know, but... Shut
up, then. Well, yeah, but... But I don't

care, though. Come on, man. But do I
care, though? But you can't... I don't

care. But I'm not saying... I don't
care. But we... I don't care. Come on. I

don't care, mate.

That's not... You're calling out. You're
calling out.

Mate, I am bothered.

I think I can hear your phone binging,
mate.

Are they going to put Bobby on the
stand?

Hard to say.

He's a kid.

It's a gamble.

Sometimes it pays off.

He's just a little boy.

He's the only eyewitness the prosecution
has.

I don't want to put him through that.

Well, then you better start telling me
the truth.

I am telling you the truth.

No, you're not.

In fact, you haven't given me a straight
answer since this trial began.

Now, if you want your ass to rot in jail
for the rest of your life, that's fine,

because that's where you're headed.

Erin, until you start telling me what
really happened, I can't defend you one

way or the other.

Did you kill your husband?

No.

But I tried to.

And at the time, I meant it.

Okay, guys, that's a wrap. Come to the
same set up tomorrow.

No problem.

171, take one.

And action.

Did you kill your husband?

No.

But I tried to.

I meant it.

Why? You know why.

Don't say that.

I can't live like this anymore.

Erin, this wasn't the way to do this.
This was wrong.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.

Erin, don't.

Look at me and tell me you don't feel
it, too.

You know what?

Is this working?

Is this right? It seemed different
yesterday.

Was yesterday different?

It felt different yesterday.

Is it just me? It's me.

It's fine. It's me.

Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. Let's go then.

This wasn't the way to do this. This is
wrong.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.

Erin, don't. Look at me and tell me you
don't feel it, too.

Probably me.

Is this working?

Is anybody worried?

I'm not worried.

Is anybody worried?

No, no, no.

Okay, let's go for the kiss.

Hello, Nan.

Here he is.

You all right?

Come up and see me. Yeah. Come up and
see me, ain't ya? Yeah.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Here, is it cold outside?

Er, not very. I can tell it's cold
outside because it's cold in here, see?

It's got to be cold outside if it's cold
in here, doesn't it? I mean, it stands

to reason, doesn't it? If it's cold in
here, it's got to be cold outside, and

is cold in here. It must be cold
outside.

Put a couple of bars on that fire, if
you like, darling.

I'm all right, actually, Nan. I don't
mind.

Go on.

Put a couple of bars on that fire. Warm
yourself up.

That's it.

I'd like to take a pair of these tights
off.

That's it.

Here. Here.

She was up here today, weren't she?

Who's that?

Home help.

Oh, good.

Yeah, lack of a time, isn't it?

Alina. Who is it?

Her name's Alina?

Yeah, yeah. She's from, er... She's from
somewhere, ain't she?

Is she?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Definitely, yeah. What is it?

Czechoslovakia, isn't it?

Bulgaria.

It's one of them odd -marked countries,
anyway.

Poland? Who is it?

She's from Poland.

Yeah, well, I don't like her, and that's
it.

Oh, my God.

I said to her, look, darling, I'm not
being funny, I don't mean nothing by it,

but I don't want you coming up here no
more, if you don't mind.

No, you didn't. She said to me, Mrs
Taylor, you mustn't be so proud.

I said, what you talking about?

She said, do you not want me coming up
here no more because you feel your

independence slipping away?

I said, no, I don't want you coming up
here no more because you're a fucking

thief.

No, she's not stealing from you. What
you talking about? Of course she is.

I watch her when she thinks I ain't
looking.

I ain't fools of gear she takes.

She doesn't.

I'm just going to do some ironing for
you. All right, love, I say.

She was stuffing it in her face.

So I wondered I got a stitch of clothing
to put me on.

She's not taking your clothes.

She's nicking me food and all, ain't
she?

I doubt it. She's nicking me food. I
mean, I wouldn't mind.

I don't begrudge them having something
to eat.

I always say to her, would you like a
nice corned beef sandwich now you're

love? Oh, no, thank you, she says.

Then when me back's turned, she's
fucking shoveling it down.

She's got social service here.

Cunning little bastard.

She'll probably make a complaint about
you now.

Good. Letter.

Dirty lowlife.

It's not funny, Nan.

Oh, shut up, you.

You give me earache, you do.

Nan, seriously, you can't go around
making complaints about people when

done nothing wrong.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

It's me programme.

Oh, it's on now.

Oh, I love this, I do.

Oh, you've seen this?

That fat girl off Emmerdale.

Huge, big frame.

You've been framed? Yeah.

with a cine camera, and she takes
pictures, and then she shows it to you

telly. Oh, it's comical, it is.

Mind you, she don't know some fucking
stupid people.

Thomas, you really are a silly sausage.

Pop it on the side and Alice can put it
in the dishwasher when she gets home

from walking Maximus. But, Mummy, you
don't understand.

Chloe hasn't topped her egg yet.

Oh, Christ!

Well, pass me the phone, Thomas. Maybe
we can catch her. Well, come on, quick

sticks. That silly girl never has her
mobile phone turned on.

Oh, Alice, what luck we've caught you.

Look, we're having a bit of a situation
right here. Mummy, my egg can't...

Breathe. I think it's going to
discolour. Darling, I know. Just calm

is taking care of it.

Alice, what is the shortest cycle on the
dishwasher?

Six minutes? Oh, salvation.

And how soon can you get here?

Tell her to take public transport.

That's good thinking, Thomas. Alice,
take a taxi and get here as soon as you

can. Mummy, my egg.

And call the school and tell them Thomas
and Chloe won't be in today.

Now, calm down. We're going to be OK
here.

No. Do you think we're cursed?

Oh, my God, we're all going to die!

Now, I don't want you girls to panic.

We're just going to have to be brave and
sit this one out.

Oh, look, they're at the door.

Turn the engine back on.

What? Turn it on.

Happy birthday.

Food's nearly ready. How about a drink?

That'd be great.

Do you want us to bring it out?

She's only just this minute gone off.

We don't want to risk it.

Well, why don't we just bring her
inside?

You can put her in our room.

Are you mad?

She's asleep.

We can't move her. That's insane.

Well, don't worry. It'll be another few
minutes.

I've done us a trout dauphinoise.

Yeah. Thank God for Jamie Oliver, eh?
Changed our lives.

I think I'll just pop in and use their
loo.

Shall I see you in there?

No, because do you remember that baby I
had six months ago?

Well, for the first time in 36 hours,
she appears to be asleep. And if I move

her, she'll probably wake up. And when
she wakes up, I'm likely to kill you and

then kill myself. So, no, I don't think
I will see you in flight.

Sarah's birthday cake.

I thought that was cake.

Lovely.

Is everyone having cake?

Was it chocolate and buttercream?

Chocolate fudge. Chocolate fudge cake.

I used to love that.

I said I used to love that.

Sorry, do you mind if I just finish this
email?

I'm not having any cake.

I'm cutting down.

Rory, do you want me to move it? I
didn't mean to tempt you. No, no, no,

it's fine, it's fine, because I'm in the
zone, and when I'm in the zone, I'm in

the zone.

God, you're lucky. I haven't got any
willpower. I've been really strict with

myself since last Monday.

Well done.

It's just dropping off. Just for you.

Guess how much weight I've lost.

Oh. How much weight have I lost since
last Monday? I've no idea.

OK, have a guess.

I don't know.

Come on, look at me.

Have a guess.

Well, I didn't think you needed to lose
any weight. Rory!

Just guess. It's difficult to say. Don't
be annoying.

Just guess how much weight I've lost. I
wouldn't like to. Just guess. Stone and

a half?

A stone and a half?

A stone and a half in a week?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Ten pounds?

Ten pounds?

I haven't got dysentery.

Come on!

Five pounds. Right, forget it.

Three. Three pounds.

You've lost three pounds.

I've lost two pounds.

That's a good start.

Yes, it is.

Keep up the good work.

I don't know. What are we going to do
with you, eh?

Shh. Just let me listen.

Ah!

Gosh.

Made me jump.

Slurping.

God.

Sleep's so bloody noisy.

They wouldn't make soup if they had a
baby their own.

Jamie Oliver.

They were bloody noisy.

And it could be with some pepper.

We brought you a present.

Oh, thank you. Daddy, could you just
take that?

Will you be joining us for the main
course?

Of your birthday lunch?

Well, it depends.

Is it going to be noisy?

Sorry?

Well, the main course, is it very loud?

Well, it's trout, but it's dead.

I love Easter.

Don't you?

Hot cross buns, Easter eggs.

I wouldn't eat too many.

Those big old biblical epics on the
telly. They're a bit long for me.

No, no, that's the best bit. Takes up
the whole afternoon.

Ben -Hur.

I'll never get enough of that.

Charlton Heston.

All those extras.

I watched a documentary about the making
of it. Did you?

Guess how many extras are in that?

Extras? Do you reckon are in Ben -Hur?

I've never seen it all the way through.

You wouldn't have to. Just guess.

I have no idea.

You'll never guess.

Exactly. But try. Jesus Christ.

Here was the speaking part. How many
extras?

I don't have a clue.

Come on! How many bloody extras? I don't
know.

It doesn't matter. Just have a guess. I
can't think.

It's just a bit...

Right, it broke the world record for
most extras in a film. How many?

30 ,000. Not that many.

10 ,000. Eight.

8 ,000.

8 ,000?

Gosh, that's low.

Yes, it is.

How many do you think they're wearing
Gladiator? Oh, get a life!

to die.

Nah.

You didn't speak to Lisa at work?

No, I haven't seen her.

No?

Oh, Lisa, no.

Oh.

Not Lisa.

Oh, yeah.

Lisa.

Lisa who?

I don't know.

I never knew her surname.

Lisa who?

I don't know.

Give her a ring.

Who? Lisa?

Yeah. No, no, I don't like to.

It might not even be cold, Lisa.

I might get us a dog.

What, now?

No, weekends.

What do we want to get a dog for?

Yeah, that's true.

What sort of dog are we going to get?

I thought one of them ones with ears.

Tell you what, it's not Prince Charles,
it's King Charles.

No, no, he's still definitely only a
prince.

No, the dog with the big ears is called
a King Charles Spaniel, not a Prince

Charles.

best if we joined you.

This is lovely.

Well, it's surprisingly easy because you
should keep it down a bit because it's

got rough.

Don't mind us.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Karen, it's a bottle of wine. What am I
supposed to do?

Well, maybe you could slap her in the
face and wake her up properly.

Thanks so much.

Next time you should come over to our
car.

They say death has many faces,
Whittaker.

Do they, ma 'am? Oh, yeah.

Facially, you know.

It's a thing.

What's the name of this joker?

Barry Wheatley, ma 'am.

Used to work for the Anderson brothers.

How do you know he still doesn't?

Because he's dead, ma 'am.

Is he?

Yes, ma 'am.

Yeah, but is he?

Yes, ma 'am.

Yeah, but is he really?

Yes, ma 'am, he's definitely dead.

Let's look at this from a different
angle.

I don't quite know what you mean, ma
'am.

Suppose for one moment, Whittaker,
suppose none of this exists.

You, me.

We could all be figments of someone's
imagination.

Whose imagination, ma 'am? Could be
yours, Whitaker.

Could be mine.

Could be old Mrs Dawkins who runs a pie
and mash shop down the old Cone Road.

I'm not exactly sure where you're going
with this, ma 'am.

It took Adam and Eve one minute to fall
from grace in the Garden of Eden, and

yet growing out a layered bob can take
forever.

You haven't got a clue where I'm going
with this, have you, Whitaker?

I'm going to use my arms.

I'm going to use my legs.

I'm going to use my style.

I'm going to use my senses.

I'm going to use my fingers.

I'm going to use my imagination.

Because I'm going to make you see
there's nobody else here.

No one like me.

I'm special.

What's it called?

Special.

Special.

Special.

I'm going to have some of your
attention.

Give it to me.

accepted our offer. What offer? On the
flat we want.

Oh, well done.

They were asking 165 ,000 for it. Guess
how much we got it for. I don't know.

Just guess.

Um, 163 ,500?

Yes.

I once met

a man with a sense of adventure. He was
dressed to thrill.

when he said let's make love on the
mountain top under the stars on a big

hard rock I said in these shoes I don't
think so