Original subtitles

You think Carol only do that for you?

Here you go.

Is it good starch in your shorts again, Jer?

Let's see, it's 11 .45.

I'm from the next station. Timmy Wilson, when he shows up, send him right into

my waiting room.

Why did you have an interest in pumping iron?

I decided I was going a little soft, you know, time to tone up.

Oh, come on, Jerry.

Seem better looking muscles in a fish market.

You're just jealous of my powerful body.

Okay, want to arm wrestle?

With you, I'd probably break your arm right off.

Put up or shut up? Don't make me laugh.

Five bucks.

I'll laugh at the bank.

Okay, Carol, you don't have to worry about a thing. This will just be a

demonstration of what some conditioning can do for the human body.

Ready? Mm -hmm.

Get set.

Mm -hmm.

beat me in arm wrestling.

Really? Who won the three -legged race?

I'm kidding. She's strong as a bull. Here, try it yourself.

The only way you'll know is if you're arm wrestling. No, no, Jerry, I'm not

strong. Jerry, I've never been strong. It's the only way you'll find out. Now,

take it easy on Emily. She's a woman. Get ready.

Get set.

Go!

I'm in trouble with women.

I'm not feminine anymore.

Oh!

Jerry's such a gracious little...

He always works up my appetite.

Okay. Where's Hartley?

Well, he's out of town promoting his book. Oh, yeah? Well, get him back.

Mr. Carlin, he's not due back till the end of next week. Oh, wait.

Well, why don't you just talk to one of the doctors who agreed to cover for Bob?

Ah, they promised only to cover if they didn't have to cover Mr. Carlin. Ah.

Yeah, they're out to get me just because I'm a paranoid.

You can take a little walk while I talk to her.

Uh, you want to talk to me?

Yeah, I came here to talk to a Hartley. You're a Hartley.

Yeah, but I don't know anything about psychology.

I never stopped your husband.

Not

here.

Over there in Hartley's chair.

It'll make you comfortable, Mr. Carlin.

Okay?

Now, what's wrong?

Harley doesn't say what's wrong. He says, what's the problem?

What's the problem?

Well, my 20th high school reunion is coming up next Saturday night.

So? You're not supposed to say so. You're supposed to say, do you want to

with that?

Do you want to go with that?

Last year when I wrote into my alumni newsletter, I told them I was married.

But you're not married.

You know, you're not as dumb as you look.

Look, now, you asked me to come in here. Now, Bob may have to put up with your

insults, Mr. Carlin, but I don't. Okay, just relax. Okay, now, just tell me

what's wrong.

Well, you may find this hard to believe, but back in high school, I was a real

loser.

My four years at Murdoch High, I had exactly one date.

Oh,

I hope it was a good one.

She was my cousin.

I had to pay her 75 cents an hour.

Mr. Carlin, I'm really sorry you weren't popular.

You know, so when I wrote to the newsletter, I didn't want them to think

the same creep I used to be, so I told them I was married and had three kids.

Three kids?

Yeah. Elliot Jr., Elliot III, and Elliot Bird.

Elliot Bird?

Yeah. She was born during the Johnson administration.

Look, Mr. Corlin, I care about your problem. I mean, I really do care, but I

don't know what I can do to help you.

Well, there's something you can do that your husband can't.

What?

Pretend to be my wife next Saturday night.

It'll be a lot of laughs.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

Uh -uh.

Negative.

think over, the answer is no.

I'll pay you ten bucks an hour.

Fifteen after midnight.

Cash!

Please, Mrs. Hartley, please.

Say you'll be my wife.

Well, he certainly got his fifty bucks worth in that session.

The H is for hat.

Can I borrow a half a cup of milk?

Sure.

Howard, are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean, cooking

for me tonight?

Of course I'm sure. Cooking is my new hobby.

I was collecting old books, but I had to give it up.

Why? Those library fines were killing me.

Your milk.

Thank you.

to the kitchen.

Do you know what that is?

A donut?

No. It should have the hole filled.

Gordon, this is the last thing I'm ever going to eat. I should have bought a

dozen.

Mr. Carlin, what are you doing here?

I'm going on a hunger strike right after I finish this.

Unless you agree to be my wife next Saturday night, this is the last thing

ever eat.

Mr. Carlin, I spoke to Bob on the phone, and he said that I am not responsible

for your mistakes.

What does he know? If he was a good psychologist, I wouldn't be a liar.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to go to that reunion alone. You can just

tell him that, uh, that your wife is out of town.

I don't know. He'll see right through my story. I'll feel like the biggest idiot

in the world.

It's me again.

Second biggest.

How many teaspoons to a tablespoon?

I know this is a lot to ask, Mrs. Hurley, but... This is really important

I have to look good for Peggy Ann Marble.

Who is Peggy Ann Marble?

She was the most beautiful teenager to ever walk the planet.

I used to kiss her locker.

Did you two ever go out together?

No, it was bolted to the wall.

you mean Peggy Ann?

I don't know.

It took me four years to get up the courage to ask her to go to a movie with

and then she laughed in my face.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, it was then I realized she was cruel, insensitive, and vicious.

The girl of my dreams.

That's why I got her to look good Saturday night.

Make her see what she passed up.

Well, he finds no court.

Oh, Mrs. Hartley, I'll never ask you for another favor.

Oh, Mr.

Carlin, why me?

I mean, there must be dozens of other women who'd be willing to help you with

this.

You're the only one who can help me.

This is my alumni newsletter.

Take a look at this.

The way we was?

Yeah, the editor flunked English four years in a row.

Anyway, look at the picture.

It's a picture of you and me at our Christmas party.

Yeah, read the caption.

The deliriously happy and very wealthy Mr.

and Mrs.

Elliot Carlin at their palatial summer home overlooking the Aegean.

Mr. Carlin!

You are crazy!

I never thought I'd hear that from the mother of my children.

Look, Mr. Carlin, I'm sorry about your problems, but you brought it on

and I want absolutely no part of it. I warn you, Mrs. Hartley, this is very

important to me.

If you don't help me with this, I may do something drastic.

Like tell the truth?

Well, not that drastic.

Turkey's ready.

for just a second?

Yes. It's Phillips.

Bruce Phillips.

Emily, I'm sorry. I just... I was making some notes for tomorrow's lecture.

What's that?

Mr. Carlin has locked himself in my office.

He still wants you to go to the reunion?

But, Emily, it sounds more serious than I thought it was.

I don't want Mr. Carlin going through a trauma when I'm not there.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I think you better go with it.

I'd really appreciate it.

Good, good. Thanks, Emily.

Well, back to work.

I love you too.

Okay.

It's not the...

He walked off the elevator, said, this is where I make my stand. He marched

Bob's office. He said if he didn't make it out alive, he wanted to be frozen and

be brought back for the next real estate boom.

All right, Mr. Carlin, you win. I will go to the reunion with you.

Ha! It's a trick.

I'm serious.

Oh, it's not a trick, Mr. Carlin. She is serious.

I am serious. I spoke to Bob. He wants me to do it.

Then you're not kidding?

I kid funnier than that.

I crossed my heart.

She crossed it.

Now, will you please come out of Bob's office and stop starving yourself?

I'll see you at eight.

And, uh, try to do something with your hair, will you?

It's the same one I wore the night of my senior prom.

I only wish I had it gone.

Why didn't you?

Not the last minute I couldn't rent a date.

Where's my boutonniere?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Curlin. I didn't think to buy you one.

That's all right. I knew you'd blow it.

I have to think of everything myself.

Did you, uh, cut yourself shaving?

No, it's an old family tradition, wearing toilet paper with a tuxedo.

Let's get this over with. Wait a minute.

Before we go, we've got to get the story straight.

What story?

About how we met.

Look, we met at a party.

I caught your eye.

Like a magnet, you were drawn to my side.

We left the party early at your insistence.

We went to my house where you threw yourself at me shamelessly.

You are out of your mind.

Why do you think I go to your husband?

Hi, gang.

Doesn't Bozo ever knock?

Oh, Howard.

Is that the cake you were telling me about?

Yeah, I baked it from scratch.

How's it look?

Oh, Howard, it's beautiful.

What kind of cake is under the frosting?

There isn't any.

This little cake is fantastic.

You mean that's all frosting?

Ah, don't be silly.

That's a fudge center.

I'll put this in the kitchen for you, okay?

Hey, we got a lot of things to talk about here.

Can't you tell the Pillsbury doughhead to get lost?

Mr. Carr, Howard is always welcome in this house, unlike some people I know.

Well, what do you want me to make now?

Why don't you make yourself scarce?

Why don't I make my eggs Howard?

What's that?

Well, I take some eggs and I put them in a frying pan and I put a little butter

in there and milk and I kind of swish them around and I cook them.

Howard, it sounds like you're scrambling them.

Now, if I pay attention, I can tell which one is which.

You know, that man could lose a debate with a fern.

Let's get this farce on the road. Okay, now just remember, don't tell anybody I

wear a toupee, elevator shoes, or a tummy tightener.

How do I look?

Very natural.

I can't wait to see the look on Peggy Ann's face when she sees me.

This really means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah, it means a lot to me.

All right.

Now, I promised I'd help you, and I will.

I mean, I won't contradict any of your lies, but don't expect me to tell any

myself. Don't worry, I can lie for two.

Now, is there anything else that I should know?

Yeah, if anybody calls you the Duchess of Carlin, just curtsy.

Well, they look like very nice people.

Oh, yeah? Well, so do I.

You got a good point there.

Hey. Uh -oh, the first guy to talk to me has to be this turkey.

For once in your life, will you try and be nice?

Okay. Elliot, Kyle, and it's me, Jack Evans.

Oh, hiya, Jack.

I see your face cleared up.

You just can't be nice to some people.

You can't. be nice to any people. Let's get our name tags.

Oh, get me through tonight and I owe you one.

Carlin Elliott.

Real estate magnate.

300 grand a year after taxes.

The last time I saw you, you were a skinny little runt.

At least I've changed.

What I mean to say is you look as good now as you ever did.

The deliriously happy Mrs. Carlin.

How do you do?

Great, until tonight.

How are the children?

Way above average, thank you. I read all about them and the way we was.

How does it feel to be the mother of a 12 -year -old Harvard professor?

Uh, uh, well, uh... Easy to see where the kid got the brains, huh?

Here are your name tags. Have a nice evening.

Thank you very much, Bonnie.

Come on, Mr. Carlin.

You call your husband Mr.

Carlin? It's a sign of respect.

Let's get some punch.

A -Zero.

Hi, Bert.

I like your toot.

Hey, this is my own hair. Come off it. You were bald and...

Those were the days, huh, Zero?

Remember the time I put glue in your shorts?

Yeah. That was a lot of fun, Bert.

Hey, and how about the time I held your head underwater in the swimming pool

until you turned blue, huh? Yeah, that was a million laughs, Bert.

Emily, I'd like you to meet Bert Harrison, my best friend.

I don't believe it.

You married to Zero?

Well, I'm here with him, aren't I?

Ah, just to check out.

I remember reading about you in the newsletter.

Oh, really, Bert?

What'd you read?

Oh, about you, your kids, your job, your playboy centerfold.

Well, that's it for me.

Oh, wait a minute, Emily.

Nice talking to you, Bert. Sure thing, and tell your wife I'd like to see more

of her.

Emily, don't walk out on me now, please.

Why? Wait a minute.

Oh. Just stay here till Peggy Ann sees me. Oh, Mr.

Carlin. Emily, she laughed in my face.

I've been living with that for 20 years.

Oh, okay.

Oh, good.

Did you have to make me a Playboy centerfold?

Well, at least I didn't make you Playmate of the Year.

Why not?

Emily.

There she is.

He is pretty.

Hiya, Peggy Ann.

Oh, hello.

Elliot, are you in our class?

Don't you remember I used to play fourth clarinet in the band?

I was the guy who used to raise the flag every morning.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, come on, Peggy Ann. I was the guy who used to call me that cute little

nickname, the Zero.

important people I want to talk to. Yeah, okay.

I'll see you, Peggy Ann.

Peggy Ann, before you go, I'm Emily.

How do you do?

Emily and I are married.

You're married?

Yes.

My marriage has given me the happiest years of my life.

Really? Yes.

You see, my husband is a terrific guy.

He may not seem it at first because he's hard to know, but...

Deep down, he's a sensitive man, you know, tender, loving, generous.

I'm just lucky none of you girls got him before I did, because I can honestly

say my marriage is the happiest in the world.

Gee, that's terrific, Emily.

It really is. I envy you.

You do?

I had two really miserable marriages.

I'd give anything for a little of the love and security that you've found with

your husband.

Well, Elliot, I guess I shouldn't have laughed at you when you asked me out.

Oh, yeah? What are you doing next Saturday night?

Oh, hello, Howard. Where have you been all hours?

I've been so nervous I've done nothing but eat.

Howard, it's only 10 o 'clock.

Well, I wish you could have done as called.

Oh, I will next time, Daddy.

Well, how was the reunion?

Great. This was the most wonderful night of my life.

Ah, if this calls for a celebration, I've got just the thing. I'll be right

back. It's not that frosting cake, is it? No, I ate that.

I'll tell you, that reunion was a dream come true.

I'm glad it was for one of us.

Yeah, it's the biggest night of my life. I think I finally got over Peggy Ann.

Oh, well, good for you.

Yeah, you know, when you were in the ladies' room, she said she'd go out with

me.

Why, that sleazy little homewrecker.

Ah, just relax.

I laughed in her face.

You know, revenge is sweet, Emily.

I owe it all to you.

Well, I'm not very proud of what I did.

I just said those things because I didn't like the way Peggy Ann was

Yeah, you know, she's really a phony. You know, she dyes her hair.

You wear a toupee, Mr. Garland?

Yeah, but it's been the same color since the day I bought it.

Well, I'm just glad it's over.

Yeah, there's just one question left unanswered.

How do we break it to Bob?

What?

Well, you couldn't have done all these things tonight if you didn't feel

something for me.

Or maybe you could.

Look,

Emily, I never said this word to another human being, but here goes.

Thanks.

Well, you're welcome, I suppose.

You know, Hartley's a lucky guy.

He's got you for a wife and me for a patient.

Homemade wine, Freddie.