Original subtitles

Your mother wants you to have nice, straight teeth.

I'm afraid of dentists. Tommy, I'm not a dentist.

What are you?

Could I answer that? You just... Tommy, I'm an orthodontist.

What's that?

That's an expensive dentist.

Tommy, I'm a man who's going to straighten your teeth. I'm a nice man

never hurt you.

Now do you know what I am?

Yeah, you're...

such a way with children.

It's a gift.

Return it.

And while we're on the subject, my dear, my schedule here tells me it's time for

your dental checkup. Ah, so it is.

All checked out. What's next?

Here's an old saying. A dentist who examines himself has a fool for a

Of course, any dentist you see has a fool for a patient.

When shall I make the appointment?

Oh, it's by...

Shh, Jerry.

It's quiet time in there.

The group is closing their eyes and trying to get in touch with their true

feelings. Well, that is fascinating. Isn't that fascinating, boy? Do they

that, Bob? Do they like that, huh?

Well, except for Mr. Carlin. He never closes his eyes when he's scared.

Bob, can you believe it? Jerry's afraid to go to the dentist.

I am not afraid. I just don't think it's necessary.

Just... butt out, will you, Carol? I can take care of my own mouth. Thank you.

If only he could.

Well, I'd better get back in there.

They should be in a deep state of meditation now.

You shut your mouth, Colin. Why don't you go?

Don't call me that again.

I'll call you anything I want to call you. Please, gentlemen, please.

All this yelling has made me drop a stitch.

What are you knitting, Mrs. Bakerman?

A knitting bag.

Takes one to know one.

Mr. Carlin called me a wimp again.

What is a wimp, Dr. Hartley? Well, it's a slang expression for a weak,

ineffectual person.

Close enough.

A wimp is a guy who can't stand up to his own wife.

But I think that Mr. Peterson is making progress with his wife.

He's even brought a note to prove it.

Doris wrote me a love letter today, Dr. Hartley.

Is the letter in her own hoof writing?

That's enough of that, Mr. Carlin.

Do you mind if I read the note in front of the group? Oh, of course not.

Something this beautiful deserves to be shared.

Dear Emil, come straight home after group or I'll remodel your face.

Well, I'm glad that you and Doris are getting along.

Why don't we turn to Mr. Plager? Mr. Plager, you haven't been able to get a

in edgewise.

That's okay. I doubt that anybody would be interested in anything that I had to

say. What did you say, Plager? I wasn't paying attention.

Mr. Carlin, you must listen more carefully. We all want Mr. Plager to

perfectly free to drone on all he wants to.

That's a very good thought, Mr. Baker.

Now, Mr. Plager, you were saying?

Well, none of my writing sells.

I mean, I've been trying to write for television, and they just don't buy my

stuff. What kind of stuff are you writing?

Well, I read where there's too much violence in TV, so I've written a whole

kind of cop show. What is that? Police Barber.

Sounds like a hit to me.

Well, the networks hated it.

And then I came up with a concept for a whole different kind of wildlife show.

Animals that lived in the city.

Flies, roaches, rats.

And I called it Berman Kingdom.

They didn't like that.

Well, they liked it, but they said they couldn't find a time slot.

So then I came up with, I think, the best idea I've ever had. I'm on the edge

my seat. Why not have a show to raise money to fight an easy disease?

What do you have in mind?

A telethon for chapped lips.

Well, I think we all would like to see that stamped out during our lifetime.

Maybe the theater is your cup of tea, Mr. Plager.

Yeah, you'd be turned down by a better class of people.

I think theater's a good idea. Have you ever written a drama, Mr. Plager? No, I

haven't, but maybe I'd be good at it.

Maybe you would. I mean, it's important in life to take chances.

As a matter of fact, I devote an entire chapter of that in my book. Let me just

read a bit of it to you. My goodness, look how late it's getting.

The session always goes by so fast.

I'm getting out of here.

Well, I guess I better start to work on my play.

I hope you all get anxiety attacks on your way home.

Emily, couldn't you do these chemistry experiments somewhere else?

Like where?

Milwaukee.

Well, if this doesn't work, we're going to be blowing by there pretty soon.

You're sure you know what you're doing? Of course.

I mean, if I'm going to fill in for the chemistry teacher on Monday, I've got to

learn these experiments.

Now, I want you to pay attention or you won't get recess.

Do I get extra credit for knowing where the teacher is ticklish?

Now, look at this.

Voila.

Now, do you know what we have here?

Yes, a tribe of Indians gathering in the parking lot.

No, we have salt water.

Plain, ordinary salt water.

And it's proof I'm supposed to drink it.

Emily, you aren't really going to drink that.

Well, it is part of the demonstration, and the book says it's perfectly safe.

Who wrote the book?

The late Dr.

Jonathan... I think I'll drink it tomorrow. I wouldn't want to get hooked

this stuff.

I think scientists always try it on a guinea pig first.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Howard, would you leave the door open? I want to...

Oh, boy, fondue.

Emily is conducting some chemistry experiments.

Howard, look at this. You see, you drop a little of this into this and to your

health.

Well, thanks. I'm on the wagon.

Howard is perfectly harmless.

I got a flight coming up and the airline frowns on smoking, especially from the

ears.

All right, look. I will make the supreme sacrifice in the interest of science.

I will drink it.

That's all right. Come on in.

This is my wife, Emily. Hello. How are you doing?

Our neighbor, Howard Board. Hello.

Well, what can I do for you? You know, a couple of weeks ago, Doctor, you and

the group suggested I write a play.

Of course. Yeah, well, I wrote one, and I submitted it. Today, I found out the

Neighborhood Playhouse is going to produce it, and I get to direct.

Oh, Mr. Plager, that's wonderful.

Well, I'm very proud of you. Yeah, I love the theater. I always go.

Well, what's the last thing you've seen?

Well, the last time I was in Baltimore, I saw Tina, an amazing frog.

What's the play about?

Well, Tina comes on the stage with this... Not you, Howard.

Mr. Flager? Well, it's about men and women thrown together in the crucible of

war -torn Europe.

It's about death and destruction and helplessness and dying.

Okay, but I've never seen a good show without a frog before.

Doesn't look like a theater to me.

This is the rehearsal hall. The theater's upstairs.

What are we doing here? Nobody ever comes down to watch me work.

Well, we could do that, Mr. Carlin. What are you involved in now?

I'm subdividing a playground.

Well, here you are.

Listen, I want to thank you all for coming.

Well, thank you very much for inviting us. It's okay. Let me tell the actors

that you're here.

Places, everyone.

Mr. Plater?

We're all excited about your play. I can't wait to see it. Well, thank you. I

want to remind you, this is a rehearsal, and I would like to tell you a little

about it. It's called All Noisy on the Western Front.

It takes place in a trench somewhere in France during World War I.

We'll take the first scene through the major's entrance, okay?

And you'll have to imagine a world war going on with explosions and shell

bursts, okay?

That'll be easy. I'm a veteran.

So am I.

You weren't in the service.

Maybe not, but I sat through a bridge too far.

Okay, ready?

Curtain.

Oh,

all this shelling has made me drop a stick.

you're going to fit your duffel in it.

Those Hun guys really mean business.

What do you think got them so mad?

I'll bet it was that swampland you sold them for a marching field.

Listen, Bill boy, are you saying I've been dealing with the Hun? Well,

knows you have.

Hartley, do you see what they're doing?

We'll talk about it later.

I hope the shelling lets up soon. I have to feed the troops.

I think they prefer the shelling. At least when you get shot, it only hurts

one place.

I'll have you know, I was one of the best marine cooks in the Pacific.

When the men ate my chip beef on toast, they volunteered for suicide missions.

Mr. Peterson, sit down. It's just a play.

Okay, give me the secret note. Okay, here. Here, but be careful.

If it falls into enemy hands, Doris will remodel my face.

Give it to me.

There.

Now if it falls into enemy hands, at least it'll be worth it.

Dr. Hartley, they are portraying me as a wanton woman.

When a customer in the store asks for a tart, the manager will point at me.

Oh, I wish Major Hartman was here. He'd know what to do.

Oh, golly. Golly, look at this uniform.

If I get it any dirtier, Doris is going to kill me.

Dr. Hartman, they're portraying me as a spineless, wishy -washy, pansy face.

That's not true, Mr. Peterson. Shut up, you spineless, wishy -washy, pansy face.

Oh, here comes Major Hartman. Now we're saved.

Oh, Major Hartman, over here, over here. At ease, men.

Nurse. We're saved. How can we ever thank you, Major Hartman? That won't be

necessary. I'm here to help you get in touch with your troop platoon.

Well, that's all the time we have left for today's briefing.

We can all go home now. I just wiped out the enemy.

And cut.

Okay.

Okay, Flaker. You're going to hear from my lawyers.

You've made me look like a coward.

I'll have you know I served extra helpings to MacArthur.

How dare you portray me as a hussy.

If my store manager sees this, he will have me back picking spiders often.

Well, uh, Dr. Hartley, what did you think of it?

It worked for me.

Hi,

Dr. Hartley.

Hi. Hi, Mr. Flaker.

Hi, uh, Mrs.

Bakerman.

Mr. Peterson, Mr. Carlin.

It's good, uh, good to see you're back.

It's sometimes, you know, starting off a session with a little joke kind of

relieves the tension.

And then sometimes it doesn't.

We are afraid to talk in front of Mr. Plager for fear of being exposed and

exploited.

I guess this has something to do with your play.

I'm willing to discuss it.

Well, that should get the ball rolling.

Would any of you want to tell us what's troubling you?

I feel I've been violated.

I wouldn't mind that.

I feel I've been ridiculed.

Plaguer has portrayed me as a greedy, materialistic, money -grabbing

I want it to stop.

or else give me a percentage of the profits.

We feel Mr. Plager has put things in his play that should never have left this

room. Look, I'll admit that the characters are based on real people, but

disguised them so that they're not recognizable.

What Mr.

Plager is saying is, Mr.

Peterson, that isn't you in that foxhole. That's simply a cowering,

henpecked Peterson type.

I'm suing. I was only trying to capture the essence of men at war.

How about if we haul your essence into court, Plager?

Our mutual trust has been breached.

Hasn't it, Mrs. Bakerman? Not only that, but we've been made to look silly.

The nurse in the play is doing straight knitting, and I knit and purl.

Well, I'm sure we can work something out. Mr.

Plager, you wouldn't mind making a few little changes in your play, would you?

Well, I guess all great works have been rewritten.

Fine. Now, Mr.

Carlin, do you have any suggestions on what Mr. Plaker can do with his play?

Let me rephrase that.

I know what you mean.

I got an idea for a change. Why don't you make my character more lovable, like

me?

And the corporal shouldn't be such a wimp.

I think the nurse should be nicer, sweeter, smarter, and built like a brick

bunker.

Now, wait a minute. I don't think we can completely destroy the integrity of Mr.

Plager's play. Oh, sure, you can say that, because you look like a hero in

play. I wasn't affected one way or the other by my character in the play. What

I mean to

say is let's allow Mr. Plager to make some changes and then see if that meets

with our acceptance.

All right, I'll work on it this afternoon at home.

You better make those changes good, or I'll sick Doris on you.

If you cross me, Mr. Plager, I will see that you are single -bagged in every

grocery store in town.

I better like it, Plager, or all you'll be writing is checks to Carlin

Enterprises.

Dr. Hartley, tell me, did you have to rewrite your book a lot before it was

published? You know, it's funny you should ask.

One chapter is always sometimes more difficult than another.

I remember chapter six, I had a great deal of trouble with the... The

felt that the stimulus response... Well, I guess I'd better get started on the

rewrite.

I guess we can say that writing is lonely work.

Not as lonely as talking about it.

You know, Emily, this is my idea of a romantic evening.

Bunsen burner, speaker of wine and doubt.

Well, honey, I'm sorry about the chemicals. It's just for one more night,

just pretend they're not there.

You know, Emily, I've always had a problem ignoring things that are

my dinner table.

Honey, that's just N -A -C -O -2 and a pinch of H -O -6.

Just like Mother used to make.

That's just as well. I'm not hungry anyway.

Bad time at the group today.

Oh, are they still upset about Mr. Plager's play?

Oh, they were. Then I had Mr. Plager make some changes in his play.

Well, did it help?

I'm not sure I told him to do the right thing.

Bob, is Mr. Plager's play any good?

Emily, if it were to drop from an airplane, it would wipe out an entire

Am I late?

I didn't know you were coming.

Oh, good then, I'm early.

Here, Howard. Have some salad.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Spicy dressing.

Howard, you may have come up with the first self -tossing salad.

That's fulminated mercury.

I thought fulminated mercury was a brand of tuna.

But you didn't tell me Mr. Plager's play was a comedy.

Emily, I didn't know it was a comedy. I don't think Mr. Plager knew it was a

comedy. I wonder how he felt about the audience laughing.

I'm ruined, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, Mr. Plager, the audience enjoyed the play. They laughed at it.

It stinks and I stink.

That's not true. I felt that your play was truly unforgettable.

Really?

It's gonna...

Take me a long time to erase it from my memory.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, no, I'm not. Matter of fact, Emily felt the same way.

Did you, Mrs. Hartley?

Mr. Plager, a play like yours comes along once in a lifetime.

I hope.

You two are wonderful, but it's no use trying to cheer me up. My play is a

Now, don't be too hard on yourself. I mean, it's wonderful to be able to make

people laugh.

What a wonderful play.

Howard, why are you crying?

I never realized World War I was so gripping.

Well, I'm so happy that somebody in the audience understood what I was trying to

do. Everybody else was laughing.

I hope your group enjoyed it.

The group was here?

Yes, I saw them sitting in the back when I went out for my third hamburger.

Well, I hope you'll excuse me.

Gotta run.

Where are you going?

Well, I just remembered how beautiful my apartment is at this time of night.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, Plager. Uh, you can't sue me, Carlin. I don't

have any money. Hey, forget it. I like the play.

You did?

Yeah, I'm still not too crazy about you, but I like the play.

No, the people seemed to like my character. I mean, they were laughing

applauding. Well, I'm glad you weren't upset, Mr. Carlin. I do have a

for you, though.

Why don't you, uh...

lose the other characters?

Who wants to see a wimp in an old bag?

Why don't you make it like a one -man show? Call it Elliot Carlin. Tonight.

Oh, bud?

Why don't you put a little more hostility into your rudeness?

Mind your own business, creep.

How'd you like it if I bought this theater and put you on the business end

broom?

How'd you like it if I swept all the dirt under your rug?

God, I love this guy.

Oh, hi. I'm glad you could make it. You were wonderful tonight.

Thanks. Would you like to go out for a bite later?

You bet.

Let me know when you're ready for the real thing.

He liked it.

Now that I think about it, it was pretty funny.

the notice is in. You mean you aren't upset either? I thought it was

I thought it was buffo.

Did you hear the laughs I got?

Well, I did write some pretty good jokes, but that's easy when you know

Now, where is the engineer who plays me so charmingly? Oh, there she is.

My dear. Well, the gift to amuse, Dr. Hartley, is very rare.

Either you have it or you don't.

I'm with you so far.

Mr. Plager, I loved it.

Oh, Emil, of course. I knew you would. I thought it was terrific.

Did you hear them laughing at me? They even laughed at Doris. I even laughed at

Doris. I didn't think that was possible.

You're too kind.

I want to talk to the actor that played me. I don't think he understands the

true meaning of wimpiness.

You know, Dr. Hartley, this is the most wonderful night of my life.

And I want to take some photos to remember it by. Would you excuse me?

Hello, Dr. Harley.

I'm Phil Morgan. Oh, nice to meet you.

It's uncanny.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my portrayal of Major Hartman. I couldn't have picked

anyone better myself.

Come on, Bob, let's go home.

You two ought to wear name tags.

Hi.

Hi. Bob's been telling me all week what a good job Mr. Plager did on the

casting, but I didn't believe it till tonight. Well, thank you very much.

Pleasure. Well, everybody, it's time for the group photo. Move up on stage, Dr.

Hartley.

Just kind of move in.

Mrs. Hartley, I wonder if you'd take the photo. I really want to be in it. Oh,

of course. Thank you. Sure.

Okay.

move to the back. You're blocking everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.