Original subtitles

Captain Hartley.

Ready to weigh anchor and heave to?

Emily, you don't know how much I'm looking forward to this cruise. Oh, ten

-filled days of the ultimate sea -going experience with a congenial crew that

will treat you like a king.

You sound like you swallowed the brochure.

Bob, what's all that?

Oh, I thought I'd take along a couple files, you know, to work on on board

if I went out of things to do.

Oh, honey, the whole purpose of this trip is for you to relax and for us to

spend time together.

You know, you came home last night. You fell asleep on the couch in front of the

television set. I mean, I thought you were Howard.

All right, how about one plot?

It's Mr.

Carlin's.

All of that?

No, this isn't all of it, but we don't have time to stop by the warehouse.

All right, I'll leave it all here.

You know, Bob, I'm really glad you decided against the Von Voyage party.

You know, I don't want to get a lot of clever little gifts.

I'm too beat to chuckle. Yeah. Hi, there.

Uh -oh. Warm up your check, Larry.

All right, now, I know we promised no presents, but I saw this. I said, Bob

Emily have to have it.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, a big course.

Oh, sure.

In case your boat springs a leak. Ha, ha.

didn't want to part. Oh, come on, Bob, just a little one. I mean, it's hardly

imported champagne.

Not on my salary. Hint, hint.

But I hear it's not too bad.

All right, just one. The only reason I've never had Phil's champagne before.

What vintage is this?

Tuesday.

Oh, you lucky ducks.

I envy you ten fun -filled days on the Caribbean, free to enjoy spacious

staterooms. fun -filled activities, and unforgettable dining experiences.

I gave her one of our brochures.

Oh, and by the way, if any of my clients have to get in touch with me... You

tell him he was captured by pirates, and they won't be taking any messages.

Arr!

Oh, uh... Oh, Carol, by the way, thanks for the cork and the champagne, but we

really should be getting... Look, now, I know we said no presents, but let's

make a deal. I won't believe you when you say no presents, and you won't

me when I say no presents.

Jerry, you really shouldn't have gotten us anything.

Oh, I didn't free them. That's just for Bob.

A dress?

Yeah.

You see, you wear that and they'll let you on the lifeboat first.

Look at that, buddy.

Hysterical, Jerry.

Champagne, Jerry? Oh, sure. It wouldn't be a Bon Voyage party without champagne.

Well, I'd hardly call this a Bon Voyage party.

Hardly call this champagne.

Oh, great. You haven't left yet.

I know you didn't want to party, but I couldn't resist giving you a little

Shark repellent.

Actually, this old sailor said once the best thing to do when a shark attacks is

to punch him in the nose with your fist.

An old sailor? Yeah, I think his name was Lefty something.

Champagne, Howard?

Do you have any fills?

would one serve on a Bon Voyage party?

Oh.

Tuesday, isn't it?

Well, Bob, we did it. We are finally not home.

You know, I can't believe that Howard isn't going to be popping in every five

minutes.

My name's Graham. I'll be your social director for the cruise.

Let me just read off some of our activities.

Swimming, shuffleboard, badminton, table tennis, quoits, golf, skeet shooting,

bridge, charades, diamond sets, discussions, debates, lectures,

songs, Bavarian folk dances. See you, Graham.

Bob,

did he say skeet shooting?

I don't know. I'm still working on quoits.

Emily, look, you can do whatever you want to do. I'm going to relax and read.

Bob, I have always lived my life by one basic philosophy.

Nobody should be forced to shoot a skeet.

If you see me talking shop, taking down notes, or even thinking about work, stop

me. Gotcha.

Who knows?

We may come up with an activity that isn't even on the list.

Maybe that's what points is.

Keep my place.

Thank you, pardon?

Oh, come on now.

You remember that teacher's convention in Dallas?

Soon as I saw you, I said, Mother, that is Wally Babcock and his wife, Charlene.

How are you doing, Charlene, you cute little devil?

We're not the Babcocks. Are you sure?

Oh,

that's too bad.

Well, we've learned to live with it.

Now, speak also here.

I'm Vern Hackler, and this here is the little woman.

I'm Bob Hartley, and this here is Emily.

Well, looky there, mother. They got a room just like ours. We're living right

here next door to you. Uh -oh.

Where we got that big picture of Switzerland, all they've got to look at

ocean. That's too bad.

You must know somebody.

Do you two travel a lot?

Oh, sure, we've been all over. San Antone, Hallettville, Beeville.

But I told a little woman as soon as I retired I was going to take her around

the world.

You're going to be disappointed after Beeville.

Well, that's what I tell her. See, this is my idea.

If it ain't in Texas, you don't need it.

See, one reason Emily and I are taking this cruise is we wanted to have some

time alone.

the picture.

Well, come on, Mother, come on, let's go on past.

It was nice meeting you. Oh, likewise. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Mother, come on! Do you believe them? Well, they sure are friendly.

A little bit of burn goes a long way.

Oh, honey, it's a big ship, hundreds of people. We'll probably never see them

again.

Excuse me, I forgot to set something up here.

Hartley Happler. Hey, boy, that's... Dandy. Huh?

What? Well, we're going to be eating together for the next ten days.

Hey,

over

here.

Well, so much for the theory that farm people eat dinner early.

The little woman and me have been waiting dinner on you two.

Vern ate ten rolls.

You know, the darndest thing happened.

The Hamiltons and the Harshmans, they were sitting over there, and after five

minutes of real good conversation, they decided to go eat in their rooms.

Oh, my.

They lasted five whole minutes.

What did you do before you retired?

I was teaching manual crafts at Harry Truman High School.

And in my prime, I could make an entire wallet in six minutes.

Does that include catching the cow?

You're just a funny dog. No, but I believe in the old American saying that

is not a man unless he works with his hands.

What's your line, Hartley?

I'm a psychologist.

Oh, God.

Well, Bob is one of the most respected psychologists in Chicago.

I once secured a patient in four sessions.

I just don't see paying money to cry on somebody else's shoulder.

But, see, there are people who need help with their problems.

Problems? Oh, shoot, Bob.

Whenever I have problems, I just go on down to the Oasis Bar and have a few

laughs with the boys.

And there ain't no problems that a few Boilermakers can't solve.

Well, Vern, see, sometimes... Now, look, Bob, I'm all talked out. Emily, you

little devil.

How would you like to dance?

Oh, sure, girl.

You enjoying the cruise?

Are you talking to me?

Yes.

I asked if you were enjoying the cruise.

No.

But thank you for asking.

You don't like boats?

You may not believe this, but I...

I just cannot stand being called the little woman.

Well, why don't you tell him it bothers you when he calls you that? Oh, I

couldn't tell Vern a thing like that.

I couldn't say that to Vern.

See, this is none of my business, but since you brought it up, I think you

to tell him how you feel about it.

Well, if I were your patient, Dr. Hartley, is that what you'd tell me to

More or less, yes.

Oh, howdy!

That was terrific.

Emily, you are a one great little dancer.

Well, you're a very interesting dancer yourself, Vern.

Thanks for teaching me the two -person bunny hop.

Well, darling, you've done just fine.

I only wish the little woman could dance half that good.

What'd you say, Vern?

When they get older, you have to say everything twice.

board, darts, or charades.

But I can better than anybody else on this tub.

Nobody else is competing.

Oh, yeah?

You want to go one -on -one?

Name your event.

No, thanks.

Bob, you're worried about the hacklers, aren't you?

I do feel responsible.

If I hadn't said that, Vern wouldn't wind up with soup on his fly.

No, Bob, I'd like to help the hacklers, too, but sometimes, you know,

Okay, okay.

All right, well, I'm going. I'm in the middle of a scavenger hunt.

Listen, when you're hot, you're hot.

Want to come along?

No, I'm not in the mood to scavenge.

Just as well. Rest up. You're my partner tomorrow in Leapfrog.

Hi, Mrs. Hackler. Where's Vern?

Dr. Hartley, I decided to take your advice. I've left him.

You can't leave him. We're on board ship.

You know you told me to tell him how I feel.

Well, I feel I just can't stand him any longer.

See, Mrs. Hackler, I've sort of made this promise to myself that... Oh!

That must be Vir. Oh!

Hi, I want a scavenger hunt. Do you have a red sock, a peppermint stick, or a

carrot? No, I didn't have any room in my trunk to pack my carrot. Oh.

Thanks anyway.

Vern has red socks.

I kind of thought he would.

You know, Dr. Hartley, I'm sorry to bother you because I know you're on

vacation, but I just can't tolerate Vern any longer. He is rude. He is uncaring.

He's inconsiderate. He's selfish.

Well, how long has this been going on?

28 years.

Why have you waited so long to complain? I thought he was going through a phase.

Hi,

scavenger hunt. Do you have an empty fountain pen, a diamond necklace, or a

picture of Myrna Loy?

A diamond necklace on a scavenger hunt?

I thought if I said that real fast, you'd fall for it. Thanks anyway.

Myrna has a picture of Myrna Loy in that wallet he made.

I'll have him show it to me. Well, you know, Dr. Hartley, all our lives, Vern

has been working, he's been making those wallets, and I've been raising the

kids. And I thought if we had more time to spend together, things would improve.

But now we have all this time to spend together, and things just stink.

Oh, that is Vern, that is Vern.

You got a pink teddy bear, an Italian flag, a spear, or a catcher's mask?

No.

Are you sure?

I think I would have remembered packing a spear.

Thanks anyway.

Dr. Cartney, please save my marriage.

All right, if I do help you, what do you want me to do? I want you to talk to

Vern. Okay, I'll talk to him. Oh, you can't talk to Vern.

He, I don't know if you realize it, but he just doesn't like psychologists.

Who does he talk to? He talks to the boys at the Oasis.

Don't worry about it. I'll handle it.

Oh, okay.

Dr. Hartley, you know down deep inside, he is a kind, sensitive, wonderful man.

Right. Where is he now? Who cares?

Well, here we are, Vern.

Yeah, Bob, I really appreciate you asking me to have a drink with you.

in the Oasis. Well, no, but then what is?

Well, what are you going to have, Bob? You name it, Vern. All right.

Barkeep, two Boilermakers.

Boilermakers. Why, sure. What else do men drink, huh?

Right, right. What else?

You know, Bob, you just love the Oasis.

It's got a jukebox. and a pool table and hot sandwiches and a cot in the back

room in case you have to sleep it off.

I figure a man could just stay at the Oasis forever.

Sure sounds like my kind of place.

Well,

this don't steam the wrinkles out of my bitches nothing will.

Well?

You gonna drink it or you just gonna sit there and admire it all night?

Sure, I'm sure I'm gonna drink it. You can't get enough Boilermakers.

Yeah, I know what you mean. They just don't make them as strong here as they

back home.

I see why you need that cot, Vern.

Bartender, two more.

Vern, you and your wife... Huh?

You and the missus are having a little set -to, aren't you? Oh, Bob, you know

how women are.

Yeah, I know how women are.

Well, don't pay her no mind. She's just having one of her dang moods.

Yes, sometimes Emily, my missus, you know, she'll get real ornery sometimes.

This is starting to remind me of back home.

Yeah, me too.

You know, Bob, sometimes...

Sometimes when I'm sitting there in the Oasis drinking

Boilermakers, I just wish I could die right there.

Something tells me you're going to, Bernie.

Bob, old buddy, I want you to tell me something.

What do you do when your old woman starts acting up? You give her a whomp

the head?

Not anymore, Vern.

I found something better.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, last time Emily was in a bad mood, I got a gold bracelet for her.

Well, that sounds like a good trade to me.

You get it?

Shoot, that's a good one, Vern.

Ain't this fun?

Yeah, we're having ourselves a time, Brent.

Come on, bartender. Keep them coming in here.

Bartender, I don't care for... What? What's that?

I just said I don't care what you're doing. Keep those drinks coming. That's

right.

I just never seen the little woman this upset.

She's real unhappy, and I don't know why.

And it's kind of scary.

Vern, I don't think you even know your wife.

What the hell are you talking about? I've been married to that woman for 28

years. Come on, Bartender, bring him on.

Bring it on.

Vern, see, people can live together for a long time and still be...

Perfect strangers.

Boy, they're making a weaker.

Boy, they sure have their nerve calling these boiler men.

so listen good.

I think you love your wife, but I think if you don't tell her that real soon,

you're going to lose her.

You think it's as serious as that, Bob?

You're darn right it is.

Johnny, you're going to have to get to know that woman all over again.

Well, you know, Bob, I've misjudged you.

I always thought you were a dull little guy.

You know, a psychologist and all such as that.

But hell, you'd fit right in.

And you make a lot of sense when you talk.

And you know that... And you know when you've had enough.

Thank you for helping me, Emily.

Am I keeping you from anything?

No, no, there's no activity scheduled for this afternoon except poop deck

Mrs. Hartley, Bob and me was sitting down there in that bar, and he, uh,

he just fell down.

When did we hit the iceberg, right?

Oh, Bob.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, I can't complain.

I can barely see.

Hello?

Hello. Hello.

Honey, I'm fine.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm only kidding, Emily.

Now, Mother, I'm sorry you're not enjoying this trip.

I just wished it was something I could do to make you feel better.

Well, I'm sorry I spilled the soup on you. And I'm sorry I made you sleep in

that lifeboat last night.

But you deserved it. Yeah, I've been acting pretty pig -headed.

Why don't you just let me have one? Right here. I got it coming.

Oh, I don't want to hit you, Vern.

Well, I do.

But it wouldn't be right.

That's all right.

Listen, why don't you use a pillow? That's what Bob tells his patients to

Isn't that right, Bob?

Who?

Hostility. Come on, Mother.

Give me your best shot.

Well,

did you let it all out?

Are you kidding? That was just for 1949.

Well, we've got a long way to go, Mother.

Clara. Oh, yeah.

Clara. Oh, well, at least we've got a start, Vern.

Let's go home, Clara.

Hartley. Goodbye.

Who?

You see, Bob, what'd I tell you? There ain't no problem that six or seven

boilermakers can't solve.

Oh,

Bob.

My sweet Bobby.

He just couldn't resist, could you?

Oh, yeah. Yes, they stay down at the Oasis.

A man has to do what a man has to do.

I got to be me?

I'll leave my name and stuff.

I'll call it my game.

All right.