Original subtitles

Dr. Thompson, I must say your resume is very impressive.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley. I'm definitely interested in being your

Well, I've asked you a lot of questions. I'm sure you must have some questions

you'd like to ask. Well, yes, there's just one.

Where's your shower?

My shower?

Yes, I take a shower every 15 minutes.

Do you?

Millions of bacteria are crawling all over your skin right now, you see.

If you don't clean them off, others of their kind move in, you see.

Well, how, uh... How the time does fly.

What time is it?

It's 11 .45.

Uh... Is there anywhere I can wash up?

Yes, there's a men's room right down the hall.

There's also a very nice fountain in front of the building.

A fountain?

That would be much better. Yes, a fountain. Yes.

That will help cleanse me of all the scum and the dirt.

Well, how was he?

I wouldn't take him as a patient.

You know, the reject file is getting pretty tall there, Bob. Aren't you being

awfully picky?

Jerry, I just can't hire anybody. I have to find a man who will spend an hour a

day with Mr. Carlin.

He's a guy with a chair and a whip.

You know, I just can't believe the weird applicants I'm getting for this job. I

mean, you'd think that psychologists would be more normal.

Not based on my experience.

Well, sure, Bob, there have been some bizarros.

But look, Dr.

Ellis is coming in in a few minutes. Now, give him a chance, okay?

Of course I'll give him a chance, Carol. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect.

A good one, Harry.

Well, listen, guys, I'll catch up with you at the planetarium.

Take it easy.

Excuse me.

I'm Dr. Ellis. Is Dr. Hartley here?

Hartley, Hartley. I believe he's washing himself in the fountain.

Him? Oh, looked like a good man to me.

Oh, sorry, Bob.

They installed the new alarm system today.

I feel like I should be handcuffed to Sidney Poitier.

Do you have anything more alarmish?

Let's see. Can I interest you in something in a siren?

that way. Can't wait to be burgled.

What's that?

The new alarm system.

Is the house broken?

I didn't ask.

Can we do something for you, Howard?

I wondered if I could borrow some flour and some sugar and some chocolate.

Howard, when did you learn to bake?

Well, I didn't. I thought maybe you'd give me that stuff in the form of a

brownie.

Good, I haven't eaten yet either.

Hello?

Oh. Dr.

Dreamin, it's nice to hear from you.

It has been a long time.

We'd love to get together with you.

Sometime this week.

In four minutes.

Yeah, that would be sometime this week.

Why don't you come on up?

Call from the lobby.

Gee, I wish I had some notice.

Yeah, the nerve of that guy barging in on us like that.

Who is he? Oh, he's a teacher. He was my professor at the university.

He was my favorite.

Yeah, after you got out of his class.

Yeah, he really made us work hard.

Had a great teacher.

Taught me everything I know.

Navigator Wilson.

We called him the Pigeon.

Oh, is that because he could always find his way?

No, because he did a great imitation of Pigeon.

When he cooed.

People covered their heads.

Oh, I must be 90 by now.

Is he still teaching?

No, but he's still flying.

That's great for a man his age. Yeah, he took off in a Piper Cub in 1958.

He's still up there.

Howard, that's a long time for a plane to stay in the air.

Ah, I know what you're thinking, Bob, but you're wrong. He's not lost.

Just late.

You don't suppose...

I doubt it, Howard.

Well, Professor Dreamin, how are you? Fine, Robert. How are you? Good to see

you. You remember my wife, Emily? Of course, Emily. How am I? As beautiful as

ever? Oh, thank you. And you're as charming as ever.

I'm Howard Borden. How do you do? Can you imitate a pigeon?

Howard, isn't that your phone ringing?

I don't hear it.

Well, then how would you know?

Good point.

Bye, Professor.

I'm coming!

I don't want to spout technical terms, but Howard there seems one brick short

a load.

Why don't you sit down, Professor? I'll get some coffee.

Nice to see you again, Robert.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh.

So, what's new?

Nothing. I hear you need an assistant.

You never were one for small talk, were you?

The university placement service said you were looking for someone, and I

thought maybe I might be able to help you find someone.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Who did you have in mind? Whom? Whom?

Me. You? That's right.

You'd give up teaching?

Teaching gave me up.

I was forced to retire about a year ago, very much against my wishes.

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine you away from a university.

Well, I drop around every once in a while to say hello to old friends, visit

library, check out the co -eds.

They stop the teaching, but they can't stop the dreaming.

Oh, well, I think it's ridiculous to make somebody retire because of age. I

mean, age is nothing but a number.

It's easy for a young person like you to say that.

I mean, you couldn't be more than...

How old are you, Emily?

Who, me?

In Emily's case, the number is unlisted.

Age is not what makes a person old. It's when you have nothing to do that your

bones start to creak.

When I was forced out, I started looking for something, and this is it. Don't

you agree, Robert?

Well, I'd be honored to have you work with me. Excellent choice, Robert.

Oh, this is wonderful. You two are just going to be terrific together.

Well, I missed the phone call. Let me know when it rings again, okay, Bob?

Make that two bricks short of a load.

Carol, I need some help with a professional problem.

The ones in the back are molars.

Carol, I'm serious. I have to decide which of these kiddie classics to put in

waiting room.

Well, what are the books about?

Well, they're about Eddie the electric razor, Larry the lawnmower, and Bruce

hairdryer.

Don't they have any books about ducks, bunnies, and piggies?

Carol, kids are raised in the streets of Chicago. When they hear the word duck,

they do.

What do they call those things floating on the lake?

Beer cans.

Good morning. I'm Dr.

Alan Dreven.

I'm Carol Bondurant. This is Dr. Jerry Robinson.

How do you do?

So, you're Bob's old professor.

I mean old.

You know, you're not old. You're, uh... Well, you're old.

What I mean was, you know, you taught Bob way back then.

Well, not way back.

is people's mouths. Too bad he can't do a thing with his own.

Is Robert here?

Yes, he said to go right in when you arrived.

Good morning, Dr. Draven. Good morning, Robert.

I'd like to introduce you to my group. This is Dr. Alan Draven. He will be my

new associate.

New? Looks more like a retread to me.

This is Elliot Carlin, Neil Peterson, and this is Mrs.

Burl Baker.

Don't let the missus fool you. I'm a widow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was, too.

Until now.

Pleased to meet you.

Thank you.

My hearing's excellent.

Hey, that's great.

It's nice having a professor here. I always like my teachers.

Kissy.

Shall we get started again, Professor? Do you want to take a seat?

Are we going to talk in front of Methuselah?

Mr. Cronin!

As a matter of fact, Dr.

Drebin will be handling my sessions next week while I'm out of town.

What a handsome sport jacket, Professor.

I used to knit my late husband's sweaters with patches on the elbows.

Why don't you put a patch on your mouth, Bakerman?

We're talking about my problem.

Continue, Mr. Cronin. Yes, please continue.

Thanks, Pops.

Well, this girl I've been going with, I think she's interested in another man.

Why do you say that? She married him.

Well, just because a woman loves another man, that doesn't mean she still

doesn't like you.

Although it is a definite possibility.

Good point, Robert.

Which brings to mind Osgood Morehouse's essay on...

Misplaced projection anxieties, don't you think so? This guy makes Harley

exciting.

Let me elaborate.

A man was married to the same woman for 25 years.

Oh, the silver anniversary.

Burl and I only made it to lead.

He became suspicious that his wife was emotionally involved with the plumber,

simply because their...

Pipes were clogged six times in one month.

I think your pipes are clogged.

Young man, in your case, perhaps fear of rejection is justified.

Way to go, Professor Dreven.

Quit kissing up to the teacher, you worm.

I might be a worm, but at least I'm a married worm. I'd rather be single than

married to a water buffalo.

Nothing but a bully. If Doris were here, she'd clean your plow.

No, she wouldn't. She'd pull it.

Does he often call Mr.

Carlin a worm?

No, no. Mr.

Carlin is a bully, Mr. Peterson's a worm, and he's married to the water

You know why people don't like you? Because you're a drip.

Worm. I bet you won't say that to my face.

Worm. I'm not standing up.

Worm! Quiet!

Gentlemen, that's quite enough. Be seated.

I will not stand for this kind of behavior in my room. And Robert!

Yes, you've let this session get out of hand. I want to see you out the hall

immediately.

Tina Biden here. Ah, Larry Lawnmower meets the Crabgrass Gang.

Sounds like a goodie to me.

It's not bad. You know, see, Larry the Lawnmower is in love with Tilly the

Trimmer, but she has been kidnapped by the mean Crabgrass Gang.

And Larry knows that he has to mow them down to rescue Tilly.

Unfortunately, Willie Weed is the only one who knows the secret passage through

Crabgrass Gulch. Well,

why doesn't Willie Weed tell Larry the Lawnmower where the secret passage is?

Don't be stupid, Carol. Weeds can't talk.

Does Carol the receptionist talk to Jerry the jerk?

Morning, Carol.

Well, Bob, welcome back. How was the psychologist convention?

It was great. A lot of interesting speeches, got some new ideas, and we won

softball tournament.

The Neo -Frodians beat the Gestalt Nine.

How's the professor doing?

Well, see for yourself. He's holding a session right now.

And here we have the ancient Parthenon.

Close the door.

Oh, hello, Robert.

Just let me finish this slide. We're almost done.

Slide? The Greeks were the first people to analyze human behavior.

The word psychology, as a matter of fact, comes from the Greek word psyche,

which means soul.

Isn't that nice?

It's all Greek to me.

Hey, down in front.

Do you think that it's just a happenstance that Freud named all his

after the Greek myths?

Uh, Professor Grievin, do you want to appeal that one, Robert? Not there, not

there. He knows a lot about psychology.

That's a laugh.

Mr. Farley.

I'm sorry, sir.

What are we doing here? Oh, we covered that in the Dawn of Man lecture.

Uh, group, I'd like to talk to Professor Grievin alone.

Well... Oh, time's up anyway. See you next time. I know he's going to spring a

quiz on us. You want to come over and study tonight, Colin?

Will Doris be there?

Yeah. I'd rather fail.

What are we going to talk about next, Professor?

Something special. We're going to discuss Freud's theory of repressed

Oh, my.

Are you going to assign us any homework?

Your homework or mine?

Hello, Robert.

How'd the convention go?

Fine. All right, thanks.

What kind of sessions have you been having here? Robert, I've been applying

teaching techniques to the job, and it's been working wonderfully.

Is Mr.

Peterson still fighting with his wife?

Is Peterson married?

Yes, you may...

I've heard him refer to his wife, Doris.

Ah, yes.

Actually, I think Mr. Carlin mentioned her one time when we were looking at

slides of the Neanderthal Man.

Emily, you've been fooling me with that alarm for 20 minutes.

Well, I can't decide whether to stay with the sound of howling dogs or if

tonight's night for machine gun fire.

How about the sound of a psychologist sleeping?

Why don't you just forget about it tonight?

Fine, I won't set it. And then somebody will break in here and they'll steal my

mink.

You don't have a mink.

I know, honey. I meant to talk to you about that.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Peterson?

Mr. Peterson, I can't hear you. What's that clanging?

Doris is pumping iron.

You and Doris haven't been getting along?

Did you tell the professor?

He just assigned you more homework.

No, I don't think there's going to be a quiz tomorrow.

No, I won't sit next to you if there is.

What was that grunt?

Doors just clean and jerk the couch.

My congratulations to her. Goodbye.

The professor's not working out, is he, Bob?

Not great.

I mean, he's been a teacher all his life. He treats everybody like they're

students, even me.

That's the fifth patient that called you tonight.

Emily, it's a bad situation.

It's not getting better.

Besides, there are personal feelings involved.

I've got to handle this as delicately as possible.

I can't.

Well, that's delicate.

Oh, honey.

You know I think the professor is terrific. I mean, I think the world of

But your first concern has always been your patients.

He isn't getting through to them either.

Bob, do you remember the first thing you said when you got out of graduate

school?

You know, where the hell am I going to find a job?

All right, the second thing. I don't remember.

Well, you said, any psychologist who doesn't put his patient's welfare above

anything doesn't deserve them. Now, Bob, those are brilliant words.

They are brilliant words, Emily. It's just too bad Professor Dreebham said

to me.

Here he is.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

How could you get in here without tripping the burglar alarm?

Well, I better go off. I'm a navigator, not a burglar.

Bob, I don't understand it. Now, I pushed all the right buttons.

All right, let me have a look at it. You stay in bed, Emily.

We can send a man to the moon. We certainly can stop Howard at our front

I certainly hope so.

What's this, witch?

Powerless dinner. I want to thank you both.

Well, it was nothing.

The hell it was.

You know how many hours I work in the kitchen? Do you know how hard it is to

make frog's legs proven salt?

Should have gotten frog legs helper.

Professor,

why don't you go in the living room and relax? We'll bring you coffee and

dessert in there. Can't I help clear the table?

Absolutely not.

Perfect answer. You must have been through the course before.

I want to do this to him.

Oh, Bob.

I know you're right.

First, let me help you wash the dishes. No, Bob.

Want me to clear the table? No, Bob.

Well, this floor could stand some waxing.

Honey, you're going to have to get this over with sooner or later.

All right, just leave us alone. All right, sure.

Bob.

Bob, what should I say?

Say... Anything.

Uh, excuse me, Professor. I have to go in the other room and, uh,

and write my congressman.

What's she writing a congressman about?

She's, uh, she's returning his letter.

Uh, Professor, I wanted to talk to you alone because I have a little problem.

Well, I certainly hope I can help. You've been so wonderful to me.

It was a thrill being taught by you and it was an honor to have worked with you.

Did I die?

When I got back from my trip, I had several calls from my patients with

problems. They hadn't come to you to discuss it.

The door was always open.

Yeah, but when they came in, you lectured them instead of listening to

Robert, what are you trying to say?

Well, I'm pleased you're so happy with the job, but it isn't working out for

Are you firing me?

Fires? You know, it's such a rough word.

Well, you certainly botched it up.

When you dismiss someone, there's no room for emotion.

You must be specific and right to the point.

Now, why don't you go over there, walk in here and do it again?

Now, look, Professor... Do it again!

Yes, yes, sir.

Wait a minute. That's just what I'm talking about. You're telling me that

flunking firing.

You're grading my life.

You're telling me that I'm firing you wrong. Wrongly. Wrongly.

And I try to correct it. I mean, you're still a teacher through and through.

I was a teacher for 30 years.

And you were a great professor, but this isn't a classroom. This is real life.

Mr. Collin is a real person.

I mean, he isn't some textbook case.

He may be a textbook case one day.

You know something, Robert?

Firing me was an excellent idea.

B plus.

You always were a tough grader.

Don't get me wrong, this hurts.

In fact, the whole last year has been pretty rough.

Professor, I did some research, and I have a list of colleges that don't have

forced retirement.

Now, any one of them, it'd be crazy not to snatch you up. I mean, you belong in

front of a classroom. Yes, I do.

I'll get the list.

Well, why don't we talk about it in the morning?

You're leaving?

Yes. Will you apologize to Emily for me when she finishes her letter? I really

must run.

So you have to leave so soon?

I have a little appointment with Lillian.

Who?

Lillian.

Now that she's not my patient, I don't have to call her Mrs.

Beckerman anymore.

You're planning a session this time of night?

I certainly am.