Original subtitles

Oh, and Emily is still occupied.

Oh, no, the tenants aren't completely out, but the manager said we could come

and look around.

Now, listen, Bob, first impressions are very important. So what's the first

thing that you notice about this apartment?

Fearless foster.

Fearless foster?

I haven't seen that comic strip in years.

It'll break me up.

Oh, this is really important. I mean, if we like it, this could be our new home.

So, I mean, you really have to look around.

I'm going to check out the kitchen.

Seems like a real nice place.

This is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

What's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

This tie.

Yeah, you're right. That's a pretty rough tie.

I'm George Simmons. Just moving out. Oh, pardon me. This is my wife, Emily. Hi.

You know, when you said ugly, I thought you were talking about my...

I love it. Great.

Cheers.

Love? I mean, love.

Yeah, I kind of like it myself.

Honey, with the apartment, I mean, it's absolutely perfect.

It's roomy, it's gorgeous.

Roomy, gorgeous, perfect. I mean, is that all we want in an apartment?

Mrs. Goldie, you like him?

Oh, what a darling hamster. Careful, Emily, that's how he got the lamp.

lifetime. I'm a Hindenburg.

Really a wonderful apartment.

Yeah, we love it.

One of us loves it. Give me a chance.

Emily, it isn't really the place. I'm just not sure I want to leave our

apartment.

You know, really love this place, but we had to move. We just outgrew it.

You can't bury too many bones in one rug, huh?

We've been in our old apartment so long. I mean, I think we've done everything

we can do with it.

Emily, our apartment was so... us.

This apartment could be us, too.

You know, you and me and Howard.

You're next, Wolf.

Emily, why don't we...

I really think we should take it. I mean, it won't be vacant long.

know that my elevator is faster. Not the elevator, Jerry. It's the driver.

Give me a break, will you?

Double or nothing says that the next person off those elevators is Bob. Sure,

can always use money.

Okay.

Hi, Bob. Good morning. How are you? How's Emily?

How's the elevator ride? Sorry, Jerry.

Two bucks.

Okay, okay. Look, I'm just getting warmed up here. I'm getting right in the

spirit of it. Here, I got five dollars left.

It says that when Bob gets off the elevator, the first words out of his

will be...

Morning, Jerry. Morning, Carol. Any messages?

You expect me to make a sucker bet like that when that's what Bob says every

morning?

All right, I'm such a good sport. Thank you, Carol.

Smoother.

And a very good schmoozer to you, too, Bob.

What? I've been trying to think all morning of Fearless Positive's

name. It's Schmoozer.

happened to Good Morning Jerry?

What happened to Good Morning Carol? What happened to any messages? What

happened to all that stuff?

What happened to him?

Let me put it this way, Bob. Another morning like this, and I'll own him.

Oh, Carol, you want to come in my office? I have a little surprise.

Finished my book?

sacrifice, but there it is.

This is such a big moment. You know, we ought to have champagne.

Chapter's here. We just get them in order, and then you mail them in.

This is the forward, and that's chapter one. Bob, this is so exciting. Here's

two, now where's three?

I mean, the book will be reviewed. People come from all over for your

There's three and four.

Oh, there'll be lots of new patients.

I mean, you won't have enough hours in the day.

That's fine.

You're going to go on tour to promote the book? I mean, no more boring days or

weekends around the house.

In a few short weeks, your life will be totally changed.

That's five.

You want to hand me four and three?

What are you doing?

I just want to take a second look at it. You want to hand me chapter two?

Bob, don't you want to get this book published? Yeah, I just want to make

it's right, Carolyn.

It's not right.

An author knows these things.

Bob, do you know what you are?

Let me guess.

You, Bob, are a fuddy -duddy.

That wasn't going to be one of my guesses.

You never do anything to upset the old apple cart. I mean, you just want things

to remain the same.

That is just not true, Carol. It's just that I don't like anything to change.

Interesting distinction.

I mean, your whole life is planned and organized.

And your schedule, your records, your desk.

Desk? Your life is a lot like this desk, you know. I mean, everything in its

place. See, look. You always keep your pencils on this side of the desk and

pens on this side.

Always, Bob.

So what?

So once, let me see you change them.

Oh, what's the point?

Oh, humor me.

Oh, very good, Bob.

Thank you. Now that is a step in the right direction. Why don't you just sit

down and finish up that book and call me when you're in.

Yes, I need a giant number seven pizza.

No, no, nothing to drink with that.

No, I don't want spaghetti this evening.

I certainly don't want a waffle.

No, no salad.

I don't care if it's salad night.

Look, I don't want anything else. No drinks, no bibs, no hats, no mugs,

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Could you put some onions on that?

No, I don't want anything to drink with the onions.

I know it's salad night.

Honey, I already ordered a pizza.

No, cancel that pizza. My wife already ordered one.

Yeah, I hope they don't forget the salad.

Are you kidding? It's salad night.

we've had some wonderful times in this apartment.

Yeah, you remember the Fourth of July party when someone threw a firecracker

into the clam tip?

No? No, neither do I.

Well, maybe it was at my sister's place.

Maybe it was at the Christmas party.

Maybe it was at Halloween.

Well, who cares? It's times like that a guy can't forget.

I'm going to miss it here.

Oh, honey.

Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.

When we get all settled in the new place, we'll invite the old place over

cocktails.

I'm going to make sure I didn't forget.

Howard?

Yeah, Doc?

Would you call me a fuddy -duddy?

Okay, you're a fuddy -duddy.

Now, Howard, do you think I have trouble dealing with changes?

I mean, you know, I have a lot of changes going on in my life right now.

I mean, there are a lot of changes going on in the world. You know, cities

change, values change.

The whole universe is expanding.

I think that's bad. They've got a new emcee on bowling for bucks.

You keep going.

Take things in stride, Bob.

Go with the flow. Go with the flow.

Go with the flow.

Oh, yeah, that must be the pizza.

Honey.

Ah, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Keep the change.

Oh, boy, pizza, pizza. Oh, boy.

Oh, he'll, he'll know.

Well, here we are, gentlemen. One number seven pizza. Number seven, my favorite

pizza in the whole wide world.

That isn't number seven. It's got anchovies on it.

I've got a new menu.

They have anchovies on number seven now.

I hate anchovies.

They've changed my favorite pizza.

I can't breathe.

Open the window. I'm getting vapors. I'm getting vapors. I'm getting high. I'll

sue Italy.

What is the matter with him?

Emily, you have just seen a man go with the flow.

Morning, Carol.

Hello. One moment, please.

Hello. I'll see if he's in.

Hello. Please hold.

Hello.

He's not in. May I take a message?

Fine.

Good morning, Bob.

Very impressive, Carol. I once took seven calls while typing a memo with my

nails wet.

Saw a man do that on the gong show.

Who's on line one?

Oh, my gosh.

Got somebody on hold and I forgot who it is.

Oh, well.

You just disconnect him?

It's for the best, Bob. He wouldn't have lasted the night.

Come on, Bob. I got some really exciting to show you. You're not going to

believe this. It'll knock your socks off.

Why don't we go in my office, Jerry?

Okay, Bob, you're a psychologist. Now we're going to play a little word

association here. I'm going to say a word, and you're going to say the first

word that comes to your mind. Ready?

Dentist's office.

Pain. Dentist's chair.

Pain. Dentist's drill.

Lots of pain.

Not anymore. You see, people associate pain with the sound of the dentist's

drill.

Remember that?

These radio earphones eliminate the sound.

No more sound, no more pain.

Bob, he's having a good time. Of course. I'm always getting having a good time

mixed up with cat strangling.

By the way, Bob.

Bob.

Bob, I remembered who I cut up before. It was your father. And I have him back

online, too.

Now what do you say when I say dental office?

Musical pain.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Can I come over this afternoon? Is something wrong?

You're selling the house.

What did Mom have to say about it?

I didn't know Mom knew words like that.

You want me to come over and try to make her feel better?

All right, I'll try to stop by this afternoon.

See you later. Bye, Dad.

That about does it.

What? That about does it.

Something wrong, Jerry?

Emily and I are taking a new apartment, I'm publishing my new book, and now my

folks are selling their home.

Yeah, so?

Well, individually, it may not seem like much, Jerry, but all at once, it's a

little too much.

Yeah, so?

Yeah, so, Jerry, it isn't that easy for me to take.

Come on, Bob, you're moving into a better apartment.

You've written a book that's going to bring you lots of recognition, and your

parents are unloading a house they no longer need.

I mean, what's the matter with that?

You should take a lot of the joy out of complaining, Jerry.

Come on, Bob.

Get with it.

I mean, change occurs all the time here.

Just last month, I went back to the orphanage where I grew up.

Everything had changed.

The teachers had changed.

The rooms have changed. Even the kids have changed.

Jerry, you didn't expect to see the same kids there, did you? No.

I'm talking about a whole new generation.

When I was there, we used to go into the boys' bathroom, smoke a lot of

cigarettes, and laugh at dirty jokes.

Today, they go in there, pass around one cigarette, and laugh at the paint.

Who says you can't go home again?

Thomas Wolfe.

You know, I can't believe it, Mom. You kept this room exactly the way it was

day I left for college.

You probably think I'm very sentimental to keep it this way, but your youth was

a happy time for all of us, Sonny.

I know.

You know, it's amazing.

My old photographs, my old awards, my old dresser.

It's like a personal museum.

You know, Mom, I have a confession to make. I used to hide French postcards in

here under my sweaters. No, dear, you hid them in this drawer.

Under your socks.

I never could understand why you got a kick out of looking at the Eiffel Tower.

That was just the top card.

Oh, and my Hopalong Cassidy bedspread.

Look, there's Topper.

There's Wendy.

Mama, this may sound silly, but would you mind if I lay down on my bed for

a minute?

Oh, go ahead, son. You're a grown man now. You don't have to ask your mother's

permission to do things anymore.

Keep your shoes off the spreader.

You know, I may be sentimental, too, but I'm glad you kept a room like this.

This room is your room.

It always has been, and I promise you it always will be.

At least until that father of yours sells this house out from Undress.

See, Mom, that's one of the reasons I came over today.

Oh, I knew I could count on you, Sonny. Now, I want you to sit down with your

father and very reasonably and carefully talk some sense into him.

If it doesn't work, lean on him.

I heard that on Kojak.

You know, see, in driving over, Mom, I had a lot of time to think, and I

that maybe Dad's right.

He got to you, didn't he, Sonny?

The property taxes are so high, and the two of you don't need this big a house.

Oh, yes, I know. I know. Your dad's told me all that before.

But I think it's a crock.

Yeah, Dad mentioned you said that in so many ways.

Mom, I really think you ought to at least, you know, talk it over with him.

He says the subject is closed.

He says I'm an old fuddy -duddy.

I can sympathize with that.

I've been called a fuddy -duddy ten times in the last couple of days.

But in your case, it's true.

Eleven.

Oh, Sonny, why can't things remain the same?

Mom, I know just how you feel, but I think I ought to tell you what

been telling me all week long.

Everything changes.

Let's be happy that they're good changes.

I thought you were on my side, Sonny. You grew up in this house.

Your whole childhood is in this room.

Oh, look.

Look at your old ledger sweater.

Doesn't that bring back a lot of memories?

Two years of varsity basketball.

You had a wonderful team in your senior year, Sonny.

Oh, you learned the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

It wasn't so wonderful, Mom. We had two thrills and 20 agonies.

Well, that's only because they didn't play you more. You were so good. Oh, you

remember the time you won that grand and stunning trophy?

Bob Hartley, most improved

player.

Your father and I were so proud.

Well, the only reason I got it was I went to practice every day.

The really important award was most valuable player.

Jack Fletcher got that.

It should have gone to you. You were a scrappy little playmaker.

Jack Fletcher.

You know, he was my best friend in high school.

I always kind of lived in Jack's shadow. He was president of the senior class. I

was vice president.

He was voted most likely to succeed.

I was voted most organized.

And then there was a day you graduated and you gave that lovely speech.

You know, I still remember it.

And now, fellow classmates, here's Jack.

It's me, Howard.

Can't be. I'm Howard.

It's me, Bob.

Oh, hi, Bob.

You asked me to bring this up.

Howard, Howard, don't trip. Don't trip over anything.

Right this way.

Thanks, Bob.

Boy, you've got a great usher.

Think I picked the wrong profession, Howard?

No, I mean, it's better you became a psychologist.

You don't have to worry about getting gum on your shoes.

And when they turn the electricity on?

They never turn it off.

Why are you wearing that silly sweater?

Emily, this sweater may be silly to you. Silly to me, too, Bob.

This is my high school letter sweater. I picked it up at my parents' house

today, along with a couple other things. Oh, is your mother feeling better about

selling the house?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little better about it.

This may sound weird to you, Emily, but... Sounds weird to me, too, Bob.

And to you, Howard.

But in talking to my mother, I realize what's important is the people around

you.

Oh, Bob.

Takes a long time for you to get there.

But when you do, it's really worth it.

Wow, that was beautiful.

What are you talking about?

Howard, look at it this way. The number seven pizza has anchovies on it, but

it's still the same pizza underneath.

Wise beyond your years, Bob.

Thank you, Howard.

Hey, this calls for a celebration. I've got a bottle of champagne. Why don't I

go next door and get it, okay?

Hey, Greg, I'll unwrap the glasses.

Oh, Howard, you don't live across the... Get out of here, you...

the hall from you guys anymore but alice and bernie seemed like a nice couple

how do you

know their names monogram pajamas