Original subtitles

Oh, Bob, are you still in bed?

Come on now, honey, you've got to go to work.

Bob, Bob.

I'm up, I'm up.

Come on, Bob.

I said I was up.

Good.

Listen, honey, Carol called. She's going to be late coming into the office.

She's got to go to the doctor.

Bob!

Drink your orange juice. That'll wake you up.

Want a chocolate eclair?

No, I don't want an eclair.

Good, I only have six.

You realize what that garbage does to your teeth? Not to mention your

Carol, you're getting some gut on you.

Always the charmer.

You have no shame, no sense of your own appearance.

Soon those rolls of fat are just going to be oozing out over the top of your

girdle. You'll be called Two -Ton Carol, the beast of the seventh floor.

Curve your tongue, Robinson. I'm going to be a mother. Huh?

Pregnant? That's right, Jerry. I'm with child.

Oh, Cheryl.

Carol, sit down. Do you want some water and aspirin? Anything?

Are you in pain?

No, not right now, but I understand there's some slight discomfort when you

the baby.

The baby?

That's right, Bob.

I'm going to have a baby.

Oh.

Oh.

I wish you know how happy I am right now.

Thank you.

Now, you guys going to be okay?

a pleasant surprise.

Hey, you did a great job setting the table.

Now, Emily said it before she went to work. She has a special dinner planned.

Oh, great.

What are we having?

Company.

I love company. Yeah.

Sometimes it's kind of dull with just the three of us.

You know, Howard, see, Cliff and Corrine Murdoch are coming over. Cliff Murdoch?

You mean the leaper?

God, he's always playing practical jokes.

The peeper.

I don't know how to tell you this, Bob, but that's five people and there are

only four chairs.

I know.

I get the picture.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind. No, I don't mind bringing my own chair.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

This is fun.

Say the secret word and you win $100.

It's a common object, something you find in your own living room.

Chair. Sofa.

Navigator.

Oh, it's Corrine.

Where's your better half? She should be here any minute. Let me fix you a drink.

Swizzle stick.

So what's been happening in your life?

Oh, let's see, Bob, not much. I shaved my head bald.

I had my own one -man show on Broadway, The World of Cliff Murdoch.

I went to India and became a guru.

He didn't really go to India.

Did I say India? I meant Indiana.

Footstool!

I have some exciting news. You know, Carol, my receptionist, she's going to

a baby.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm so happy for her.

A baby?

Carol's going to have a baby?

That's right, Howard.

Excuse me. I'll be right. I just need to be alone for a minute. That's all.

Oh,

it's really overcome.

You know, a lot of men turn to mush at the thought of little babies, you know,

with their little feet and their little hands.

Little button nose is fine.

Hey, Bob, I've got a great idea.

Don't oversell, Clifford.

Let's play a practical joke on Emily.

What do we do? Let's flood the living room.

No, let's do something crazy.

Let's turn the cushions on the couch upside down.

That's too good. Let's not waste time.

Here's what we do. When Emily comes home, we all lean at an angle like this.

Oh, that's great. And then... And then she'll think that she's the one that's

leaning.

What's funny about that?

Let's try it. Come on, you'll see.

Okay.

And... You're right.

This is hysterical.

You know how I keep a straight face.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi, honey. Hi, Cliff. Hi, Corrine. Emily?

Hi.

Well,

what's wrong with you guys?

Nothing. We're fine.

What's wrong with you?

Wrong? Nothing wrong with me.

I just came from the doctor.

I'm pregnant.

I don't know

about you, but I still can't believe we're having a baby.

Yeah. You know, the dental make a great nursery. I mean, it's got big windows,

and it's light, and it's airy.

Maybe we should think about moving.

Bob? Honey?

You're wearing your sport jacket.

Yeah, I know. I'm just going to hang it up over here.

What do you think about moving to the suburbs? You know, a nice little house?

A backyard, a place where the baby can meet other babies?

Yeah, great.

Oh, Bob, I'm so excited. I can't believe this is happening.

I need...

Neither can I.

But how did this happen?

Well, as near as I can figure, it's Jerry's fault.

What?

Well, you remember that Saturday you and Jerry were going to play golf and he

canceled because it was raining?

Oh, yeah, what a boring afternoon.

If you remember, Bob, it wasn't completely boring.

Oh. Uh -huh, yeah.

Emily, are you sure about this? I mean, there's no chance that they made a

mistake at your doctor's office and they mixed up your files with somebody

else's and all you have is a sore throat.

Uh -huh.

I never thought you'd be this nervous about being a father.

I'm not nervous.

Oh, really?

Then how come you went to bed with your shoes on?

Save me time in the morning.

I should, you know, accidentally sleepwalk. I'd be protected. I mean, if

want to make an issue out of it, that's up to you.

Bob, you put your shoes under your pillow.

I know.

It's an old army trick.

Keeps scorpions from getting in your shoes in the desert.

Well, I'm glad you're not nervous.

I'd better call it a night.

After all, I'm sleeping for two.

Good night, Papa.

Good night.

Oh, what's so funny?

I finally figured it out.

This is the best practical joke the peeper has ever pulled.

Except you're supposed to say, you fell for it, you fell for it.

Bob, we are going to have a baby.

A baby?

Oh, my

Papa,

to me he was so good.

Come on, this is embarrassing, all right?

One more time.

The house ruled. You can only sing Oh My Papa on Sunday. Why?

Because we're closed on Sunday.

You get the beer.

You get yourself a Scotch Rocks.

Here's a martini, straight up, with a twist, shaken, not stirred.

And here's your Shirley Temple.

Enjoy, gentlemen.

Enjoy. This is not a martini. Oh, I'm sorry.

Martini. Well, here's to Bob soon to be a father. Yes, sir.

Okay.

What are you going to name your son, Bob? At the risk of sounding

the name that's always struck my fancy, Jerry.

Hey, nice. Although a lot of people name their firstborn after their oldest and

dearest friends.

Yeah, Howard Hartley. I like it.

I was leaning more toward the name Bob.

What kind of a nothing name is that?

Bob is a name to be proud of. There have been a lot of famous Bobs. Oh, right.

Bob Washington, the father of our country.

Bob DiMaggio, the Yankee Clipper.

Bob Einstein and his theory of relativity.

Bob Hope.

It doesn't matter what we name him as long as he's healthy and he's happy.

That's not enough, Bob. You've got to plan ahead.

I mean, where's he going to school?

What's he going to be? Where's he going to live? Who's he going to marry?

What are his plans, Bob?

Maps.

The same again, sports?

We just got these.

Oh, excuse me. The place is so busy, I was momentarily confused.

Hey, this Shirley Kebbell doesn't taste right.

I'll tell a maitre d'. You didn't answer my question, Bob.

What's going to become of your son?

Well, he'll go to school, and then he'll go to college, and after a prominent

career as a noted psychologist, he'll become president of the United States.

I'll teach his own.

There's just one problem, Bob.

What's that?

What if he's a girl?

after a distinguished career as a school teacher, she's going to go on to become

the first woman president of the United States.

Sorry, Emily, it'll never happen. Why not?

Because my daughter's going to be the first woman president. I always wanted

be president of the United States, but so far I haven't been.

Really? I haven't even come close.

Emily, am I doing this right? What are you doing?

Then you're not doing it right.

about this new method of delivering babies, where they play soft music and

low lights and a mood atmosphere.

That's how I got into this fix.

I always thought a great way to have a baby would be to go to an elegant party.

You know, you're wearing a beautiful gown, a full -length sable, a few

You dance the night away, and then around 2 a .m., you know, you wander

your shoes in your hand, your sable tossed over your shoulder.

You walk in the apartment, and you say, Oh!

Look, honey, somebody brought our baby.

You know, there's nothing like a night out on the town with your friends.

It should make you realize who your friends are.

They're your friends.

Right, Jerry?

Where's Jerry?

Jerry and Howard went looking for girls.

That's because they're bachelors.

I am now the bachelor.

I'm married.

I want to be a father.

It's the end of the Nero.

The end of my youth.

It's the end of my beer.

Where does the time go?

Cleveland.

You know, I can remember when I was 21.

It was a very good year.

Bob, that was the year your girlfriend dropped you, you broke your leg playing

tennis, and a week after you got out of the cast, you were drafted.

That's life.

That's what people say.

Riding high in April.

Shot down in May.

Do you realize that I'm going to be a parent?

You can handle it.

You've been a puppet, a poet, a puppet, a pirate, a pawn, and a king.

But I've never been a father.

I haven't either, but I was a recreation director.

Handling kids is easy.

Just make them use the buddy system in the pool.

Don't let them stand up in the swings.

And be sure they return the bats and balls at the end of the day.

Here you go, fellas.

Oh, great.

Two more zombies.

Right. That makes four of you.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you have kids?

Yeah? Would you like to take them off my hands?

No problem, you know.

Well, let me put it to you this way.

The boy has got hair down to his knees, he wears platform shoes, and he thinks

that David Bowie is the head of the U .N.

Well, boys are harder to raise than girls.

Oh, yeah?

My daughter, when she finishes high school, she wants to move out, move into

co -ed dorm with a lot of guys.

Lots of colleges have co -ed dorms. Who said she's going to go to college?

Do you know that that guy is my age and he has grown children?

Do you realize that when my son is 20, I will be 60?

And when my son is 30, I'll be in my 70s?

And when he's my age, you'll be dead.

Right.

But he'll be president of the United States.

I hope he doesn't lose his sense of humor in the White House.

Presidency can do that to a man.

You take George Washington.

You know, George Washington used to take out... His teeth at parties before he

became president?

You know those choppers were made out of wood.

That's what made it funny.

Come on, Bob. Let's go buy your kid a present.

Let's buy him something funny. Listen, where will we find wooden teeth?

Wooden teeth world.

All right. Excuse me, gents. There is a little matter of a tab.

Two pitchers of martinis, six scotch rocks, eight zombies, two margaritas,

and one black Russian.

A dollar eighty.

Well, good night, Corrine. Good night.

Well, Emily, I hate to knit and run, but I can't knit, so I'm just going to run.

I'm so happy for Carol and Larry.

They're so delighted about the baby.

No more delighted than you and Bob are.

I don't know.

I think Bob's still not sure what hit him.

I mean, a canceled golf game is not exactly Planned Parenthood.

You said you were going to have children someday.

Yeah, but there's a big difference between Sunday and let's go by the crib.

I don't know, Corrine. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. It's all my

fault. Emily, I'm just a simple country girl, but even I don't believe that.

Uh -uh.

Hey, hey, hey!

Say the secret word and you win a beer.

Don't aim your breath at anything flammable.

All right, close your eyes. We have a surprise for the baby.

What is it?

We bought the baby a pony.

That's not a pony. That's a full -grown horse.

It was a pony once.

Where do you want him?

I guess the bedroom.

Oh, you can't put a horse in the bedroom.

Yeah, we'll put him on the balcony. That way we won't keep bumping into him all

the time.

Where on earth did you get that thing?

We bought him off a guy.

Who would sell you a horse at 2 o 'clock in the morning in Chicago?

A rustler.

Honey, it's really a very, very sweet gift, but you're going to have to return

it. I lost the receipt.

I'll take him back, Bob. We have to go to the hotel anyway.

Come on. I hope you don't mind sharing a double bed.

He said he was through with that kind of thing.

have to do is train him to use the elevator when he wanted to take his

I'll get you some coffee.

Boy, you can make those window boxes bloom.

My son is going to be a very influential man.

He'll be known as the joking president.

Here's your cockney, Bob.

Wake up, Bob.

Wake up, Bob.

Bob.

Wake up, Bob.

Bob.

Bob.

Bob.

Where's my horse? Where's my horse?

What horse is that?

A big, brown, beautiful horse.

Oh, Bob, you must have been dreaming.

Oh. Bob, would you please get up? I can't be running in here every five

Now, I've got to set the table before I go to work because Corrine and Peep are

coming for dinner tonight.

They are?

Yeah, and I have got the greatest news.

Carol called, and guess what?

She's pregnant.

Yes, she is. Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah.

Emily, do you have something you want to tell me?

No.

Oh, yeah, I will be a little late tonight because I have to go to the

The doctors?

Yeah, I have a sore throat.

I thought you were going to say you were pregnant, too.

Oh, honey, I almost forgot.

Jerry called to cancel your golf game tomorrow. He said it's going to rain.