Original subtitles

Uh, Carol, would you take a letter for me, please?

Shoot. To my new patient, Mrs. Dixon.

Gotcha. Address is in the file.

Right on.

Carol, would you just take the letter and never mind the snappy patter, okay?

I can dig it.

Go to my office, Carol. We gotta pick the winners. Bets have to be down by

Jerry, I'm dictating a letter. Can you call your own bookie? Sure, as soon as

Carol tells me who to bet on.

Carol picks the winners?

We happen to be 327 bucks ahead on college basketball games alone.

What do you like, Carol?

I think our best bet is University of Nevada, Las Vegas over Pepperdine.

You like the color of their uniforms, huh?

I like their center.

He can hook with either hand, and he has probably the best outlet pass since Wes

Unseld.

Well, everybody knows that.

What about Loyola -Marquette?

Marquette. Loyola.

Loyola.

That is absurd.

I went there. They got to win. They're going to get killed tonight.

Well, not tonight. The game isn't tonight.

Oh, that's right. Those 12 ,000 fans who are going to be there are just going to

be there to cheer each other.

I've been looking forward to that game, and I forgot to get tickets.

Well, Bob, just tell them that. They'll let you in.

Come on, partner. Let's go.

If you're desperate, Bob, 1 ,000 standing room only tickets go on sale at

'clock. Yeah, when I passed the stadium this morning, they were lined around the

block in the pouring rain.

That's ridiculous. I'm an alumnus. I don't have to stand in the pouring rain.

Suit yourself.

All I have to do is make one phone call.

Emily?

Do you have an umbrella with you?

Did you get them? Did you get them?

Pneumonia and bronchitis? Yeah, I got them.

I mean the tickets.

Well, I was real close, Bob. The guy in front of me got the last two.

Did you ask him if they had any more?

After standing in line in the pouring rain for two hours, did I ask him? No, I

just went away whistling a happy tune.

He's really counting on those tickets.

Yeah.

That's why I bought two from a scalper.

Emily, you are unbelievable.

I know, I know.

You have brains, talent, determination?

I know, I know.

You're tripping on my tickets.

But dripping beautiful.

I know, I know.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Is Emily home?

Yeah, she's in the bedroom. Thanks.

How are you?

She's changing.

Why? She's perfect the way she is.

Oh, well, you know her better than I do.

Well, maybe you can help me. Have you got a pencil?

Yeah, go ahead.

Thank you. Have you got a piece of paper?

Thanks.

You take this down?

Now, I'm on standby, see?

Now, if the airport calls, they'll either offer me the flight to Denver

or the flight to Paris tonight.

Now... I'm going to show in about a half hour.

I'll get on about 9 .15.

Of course, I may stay for the second feature. Well, I won't stay if I go to

Paris. Now, that's where you're going to come and hang. See, I'm going to call

you, and you're going to tell me where I'm going.

Now, you got that?

No.

Okay, then I'll just stay home.

Emily, you better get dressed. We've got to get ready for the game. The only

thing I'm ready for is bed and a hot water bottle.

Thought you were going with Jerry.

No, Jerry's going with his betting partner, Carol the Greek.

Oh, well, I don't really want to go, Bob.

Emily, the game is just a culmination of a terrific evening.

Before the game, we go to Runyon's Beanery. That's where the beeper and I

to go when we went to school.

Well, I was never crazy about beans.

Well, they don't serve beans. They serve hamburgers. Well, how can they call it

a beanery?

Because Tony Caruso always liked the name Runyon's Beanery.

Who's Tony Caruso?

Runyon.

now i get it hamburgers two inches thick mugs of ice cold foaming draft beer

then we link arms and we sing our school fights he was never good at

linking arms look emily it may sound silly to you and maybe it is but it's

colorful and exciting it's like you know being a kid again you know it does

sound like fun i think i will go great and uh when we link arms you can just Go

to the ladies' room.

Hey, hey, hey!

I don't believe it. That sounds like the peeper.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Corrine!

Oh, my goodness!

I had an exploding cigar for you, but Corrine smoked it on the plane.

What are you two doing down?

Well, our... Our fish restaurant in Maine is doing so well, we're going to

a second one in Las Vegas.

Don't tell me you're going to feature fish and chips.

You're coming here on your way to Las Vegas, huh?

Hey, you think we'd fly across country without seeing you?

Yeah. Well, you're right, but we had a couple of days extra, so what the heck.

Maybe he's going to take us all out to dinner. Oh, wonderful.

Unless you had other plans.

Well, we were going to the Loyola Marquette basketball game. You're

Oh, would I love to see that!

Well, I've only got two tickets.

Oh, and there's four of us.

Yeah, but, you know, maybe two of us could go. Like you and Corrine, or

Emily and Corrine, or Emily or I.

Say... You and I?

Yeah, it's really a shame to waste the ticket.

Let's go, Corrine.

Did I mention Peep and I on that list? Go on, get out of here. Emily, you're

greatest. She knows, she knows.

They haven't changed a thing.

Don't change a shrine, Peep.

I'm glad we got here before the crowd.

You are the crowd.

What'll it be?

What'll it be? Two ice -cold foaming beers, right?

Right.

You know, sometimes I dream of Runyon's beer. Don't you? No.

I have a dream where I get attacked by a tree.

There you go.

What happened to the foam?

Oh, you want foam.

Foam.

a couple of two -inch -high hamburgers smothered in grilled onions.

Hey, that sounds good to me.

Where are you going to get them?

You know, you look very familiar.

Everybody says that. It's because I look like Johnny Carson.

You're the same bartender that was here 20 years ago.

I'm his son, Johnny Carson Jr.

You're sure you don't have any hamburgers? Well, I got a toaster oven.

frozen sandwiches.

Great, then heat us up two frozen sandwiches. Boy, that sounds tasty.

It's a shame that Emily and Cream can't share all this.

Well, game sold out.

If you guys are talking about the Marquette Loyola game, a couple of girls

in here last night looking to get rid of a couple of tickets.

Oh, yeah? Do you think they'll be in tonight?

Well, they come in most every night. They don't like to miss the swing in

Listen, as long as you guys are going to be here, do me a favor. Keep an eye on

the place, will you? I'm going to run out and I'm going to lay a bet. Loyola

got to get creamed.

And don't steal anything.

If this was 20 years ago, you know what we'd be doing right now?

Yeah, having a better time.

No, we'd be singing the school fight song.

Oh, that's right.

You start.

You can't remember it either, huh?

It's something,

something, alma mater.

No, no, Bob, that's the school song. The school fight song was something,

something, rah, rah, rah.

Boy, they don't write songs like that anymore.

Here's to the good old days.

Let's do that toast we used to do here 20 years ago, remember? Sure.

I think it was something, something, down the hatch.

Where's Johnny?

Oh, the bartender, he stepped out.

You guys are new here.

Well, you certainly aren't.

We come here every night.

Oh, you must be the girls the bartender told us about.

Uh -huh. Well, I'm Kim, and this is my friend Darva.

I'm Bob, and this is Cliff.

Bob only got two tickets to the basketball game tonight, so we had to

wives at home.

Oh, of course you did.

Yeah, we thought it'd be more fun if, you know, there were four of us.

Of course you would.

Can you help us out?

Oh, well, we'll do our best.

Tell me, how much?

Whatever you think is fair.

No, I never like to pay more than 15 bucks.

But seeing as we're desperate, how about 25 bucks?

25 bucks a piece?

Come on.

Come on, it'll be fun.

The girls will love it.

Okay.

You're on. And you're under arrest. We're police officers.

Okay. Up against the bar and spread them.

You heard her, Jack. Spread them. Spread them?

Our sandwich is ready.

I think we're being arrested.

For what?

Solicitation, my fine friend.

Solicitation? We just want a couple of tickets.

I got your tickets.

Tickets to the slammer.

Thanks.

Okay, you two creeps, sit down over there while we talk to the lieutenant.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah. I don't know why you don't believe us. This is a gigantic

misunderstanding. We wanted to get two tickets to the basketball game, and you

thought that we thought that you were ladies of the evening.

Walkers of the street.

We're entitled to one phone call. Okay. It better not be obscene.

Darvin, I are cleaning up this town. Yeah, we're going to get rid of vermin

you.

Vermin? Listen, let's call Emily and Corrine. They'll get us out of here.

Oh, I'm sure they'll understand when we tell them we're in jail because we tried

to pick up two 20 -year -old girls.

Boy, I'd hate to be in our shoes.

I'll call Howard. I've got a dime or something.

Here, let me help you. Where is it in... I'll get it. Wait a second.

There you go.

Hey, you know, Bob, I found this nail clipper in your pocket, too. Oh, good.

You know, you borrowed this nail clipper from me in college.

No, no, I didn't.

Sure you did, Bob. It's even got my initials on it. C .M. Cliff Murdoch.

C .M. for Clipmaster.

Sure look like my nail clippers.

Well, they're not.

Take it easy, Bob. I'm the only friend you've got.

Hello, Howard?

Yeah, uh, Bob.

Hey, you and the Weeper having a good time at the game?

Never mind that, Howard.

We need $200, and we need it fast.

Well, I've only got about $20. Maybe Emily has some money. Leave Emily out of

this. Don't go over there. Well, there's no problem. I'm with her now.

I'm still on standby, so I thought I'd bring the phone over to your place.

Why do you need a couple hundred dollars?

Uh, we want to buy some hot dogs.

Cliff, find out how many want it with mustard, all right?

80? Okay.

Gee, that's awfully nice of you to buy hot dogs for all those people you don't

know.

Basketball brings people together, Howard.

Honey,

what's going on?

It's Emily. Make basketball sounds.

Okay.

Bob, what's that noise?

Emily, you'll have to talk up. The crowd is going crazy.

Well, it's halftime and Cliff and I are buying hot dogs for everybody.

Why?

Because it's our round.

Pass that down, Charlie. The ketchup's in the little packet.

Come on, Bobby, you don't sound like yourself. Something, something, rah,

rah!

Yes, you're right. It's probably one of their practical jokes.

They were just checking to see if we were home. They're probably going to

deliver us 50 pounds of potato salad.

But why would they want to know if Howard had any money?

Maybe the salad's coming COD.

I don't understand this. It means cash on delivery.

Are we going to play Scrabble or are we going to chit -chat all night? Yes,

we're going to play Scrabble. Howard, it's your turn.

Good. I win. I used up all my letters.

P -O -O -P -H -Y -T -E?

Zoo fight.

I challenge you, Howard. There's no such word as zoo fight.

Tell you so.

Zoo fight.

A disagreement between two or more animals at a zoo.

I don't mean to doubt you, but that's bull.

Words were my business. I used to work in a library.

Well, I've been to a lot of zoos.

I don't believe it. There is such a word.

It was a very small library.

It doesn't mean two animals fighting. It's a kind of a sponge.

Oh, well, that's what I meant.

Last time I was at the zoo, the sponges were going at it to hammer and tongs.

Well, let me see. That's 368 points for me and zero for you, too.

Tough noogies.

As soon as your lawyer gets back from the basketball game, he'll get us out of

here.

Don't be so sure.

Read that story about what happened to the guy in Atlantic City?

The guy that swallowed the telephone?

No.

What guy swallowed a telephone?

Some guy in Atlantic City.

Why? I don't know. I guess he was bored.

That wasn't the guy you meant, was it?

No.

I was talking about the guy that was going to mail a letter. He got his hand

caught in the mailbox, and a cop came along and arrested him for attempting to

steal the U .S. mail.

It's a federal offense.

Well, they let him off, didn't they? Let him off?

Let him off.

He was in jail for 20 years.

I don't believe it.

Don't believe it? Don't believe it?

It ruined him.

He's a shattered hulk of a man. He just walks the streets talking to himself.

Well, when we get out of here in 20 years, we'll talk to each other.

Right.

So there's no problem.

No, except I would like my nail clippers back.

of things we need to straighten out.

Yeah, like when do we get out of here? Just cool it, punk. I don't want to have

to make things rough on you.

Punk?

Your language is really abusive.

We need to know what time it was when we arrested you.

It was exactly 8 .30.

Don't help them.

The big guy cooperated. Remember that.

All right.

Now, which one of you made the actual proposition?

Bob did.

Okay, everything's in order here.

You read them their rights, right? No, you read them their rights.

No, reading the rights was your job.

We never agreed on who'd read them their rights. So you never read them their

rights? Right.

Ha, ha.

You didn't read us our rights, you don't have a case.

I could have sworn you read us our rights.

They did not.

I think they did, Bob. It was around 8 .30.

Look, here is your clipmaster. Now, shut up.

I better go. I'll talk to the lieutenant.

Yeah, you got some explaining to do, little lady.

I'm real sorry about this, fellas.

Oh, that's okay.

I could have you pounding a beat in Brooklyn.

It's not easy being a cop.

That's the trouble with police work nowadays.

You bring the vermin in and the system puts them right back out on the street

again.

I never thought I'd drop a water bomb on my husband.

It's a nice feeling.

Well,

I think that's them.

It's hard to tell from here. No, that's them. That's them.

Ready?

Loyola. Marquette.

It doesn't really make any difference who wins or loses, does it? It's how you

play the game. How'd they play the game? Great. Lousy.

Fair.

Well, uh, gee, it's been a while since you've, uh, you've seen the, uh, the

apartment. Why don't I take you on a little tour?

Okay.

What's going on here?

My sightseeing.

Sightseeing. Look at the, uh, look at the craftsmanship in this, this railing.

That's, uh, that's wood and...

And wrought iron together.

Makes you proud to be an American.

Bob Creeper.

What are you guys doing home? The game isn't over yet.

They ran out of hot dogs.

Besides, it was really kind of dull.

Dull? I'm listening to it on the radio. I mean, they're in triple overtime.

The score's tied.

Howard?

You still on standby? Yeah.

Well, don't you think you'd better get back home? Otherwise, you'll miss that

phone call. Oh, yeah. I'd better get over there.

Here.

Take this. If there are any calls, they'll be for me.

Okay, Bob.

What's it all about?

Why'd you leave the game early? Where have you been? What's going on?

Emily, I can't talk now. I'm waiting for a call.

I'll take it in the hall.

Maybe we'd better tell him the truth.

Yeah. Well, you see, we were having a beer at Runyon's, and we started

missing you two.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, we did, and we wanted to buy a couple of extra tickets from these two

girls, see, so you could join us.

And they thought that we were trying to pick them up.

They thought Bob was trying to pick them up.

Funny thing is, they turned out to be two plainclothes policewomen.

So they arrested us for solicitation.

And we spent the last four hours in jail.

It could have been 20 years.

What's going to happen now? A stink bomb is going to go off?

You're going to put potato salad in our bed?

That's good. I'll eat some potato salad.

You don't believe us.

What do you take us for?

Rules?

I guess you're just too sharp for us.

That must be the potato salad.

Excuse me, Chief.

Did someone up here lose these?

You've seen our new shower curtains. Oh, but I think that would be a good time.

You know, uh, you can be arrested for dropping things on people.

Now, get out of here, will you?

What did you say? Take a hike.

Maybe you don't understand. You don't get the picture, Jack.

We're police officers.

Now, hop against the rail.

This is a joke, isn't it, Bob?

You too, Maggie.

Lean.

Don't forget to read us our rights.