All language subtitles for Madeas.Destination.Wedding.2025

-Brown. Give the bags to Brown. -All right.

Hold the damn door.

I'm holding the door! Stop acting so ignorant.

You know it.

Hold the damn door or I'm gonna have a problem with you.

Mr. Brown, did you pay for them grapes? You know that's stealing, right?

The Bible says, "Taste and see." If I paid, it'd be, "Pay and see."

They grow out the ground. The Lord brought 'em. They should be free.

Just hurry up, y'all. Let's hurry and get to the car.

Cora, why you so nervous?

What is you shaking for? What's wrong with you?

Madea, y'all act like y'all don't know that this neighborhood is bad.

Cora, I've been coming to this grocery store

since you was a little-- since you was small--

-What? -Since you was-- Since time--

I've been coming here since you was a little infantile baby girl.

Come on, we just need to hurry up and get to the car.

What is wrong with you?

You need to come to this store during the daytime.

I'm not coming here with all the elderly people driving slow,

can't see, knocking things over. Hell!

Madea, now, you elderly too.

Cora, I'm not elderly. Who you calling elderly?

You in your eighties, you elderly.

Now, I'm still fine. Ha, ha.

Wait, define "fine," because you don't look fine to me.

What?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my eyes ain't beholding nothing.

Nothing gets old but clothes,

and eventually they come back in style.

You right. Look at me.

Brown, hold on.

-Brown, don't help me at all. -Why?

Let's just get in the car, Madea. Come on, now.

That's why Cora got me here, for security.

-Y'all get the stuff, I'm security. -Brown.

You stand there looking like a bunch of colors.

You look like a suit that say, "Rob me, I'm easy."

-That dress look like you say, "Milk me--" -Okay, y'all, that's enough.

Chocolate, number 2% milk.

-Get in the car. -You ain't got to bring the basket back.

It's the ghetto. Leave the damn basket.

Who parked there?

Go ahead, get in the car.

Can't take y'all nowhere.

Get in the damn car, Cora.

Make me nervous.

-Where's the seat belt? -My car know how to work.

You ain't even have no seat belt in this car.

They had car seat belts for whupping ass back in the day.

Well, I can't whup nothing like that tonight, but let's go.

Wait a minute. Do I need to push?

Ooh. Wait a minute.

-Where we going? -We going to the gas station.

-I got to get some gas, Cora. -Oh, my God!

Cora, hell. Hold on. Slow down.

Watch this turn.

Oh, shit. Slow down. I can't see nothing.

Oh, get in.

Look.

-Excuse me. Excuse me. -Excuse me.

-Oh! -I got to get some gas.

Well, come out here. Just get on out the damn car.

We ain't got no seat belts and then drive crazy.

I'm gonna use the seat belt to beat the hell outta you with.

-Jesus. I can't even get out of this car. -Cora, get out.

Go on up in there and pay for the gas for me.

Where's the money at?

Cora, don't make me pimp you out. Go pay for the gas!

I always pay for it!

You always gonna get pimped out if you don't get up in there!

-I need my $400 back. -Ain't nobody finna fill that thing up.

-Sure ain't. -Takes $100,000.

I'm going to put $2 on it.

That's what I'm about to do. Give me $2 on pump two.

Oh, I know damn well you ain't finna try to steal my--

Does this look like we playing?

Oh, that's a cute little gun. That's a real cute gun.

What are you doing? You're crazy.

Hold on. What's the problem?

What's the problem?

What is the matter?

What is the problem?

Why are you running? Why are you running? Why are you running?

Why are you running?

Where are you running to? What are you about to do?

I'm running after you, hold on!

-Get in the car, Cora! -What are you doing?

I need my change.

-What in the world is going on? -What happened?

-Get in the car! -What happened?

-I got on these high-heel shoes. -Hey, let me get my change!

I didn't get my change!

Let me get my change! Baby, you can't just leave me!

-Wait! Madea, wait! -Wait!

Wait!

What I wanna know is, why are we here in this fancy restaurant?

What is this about?

Tiffany wanted to talk to us about something.

When she wants to talk to us, we go to Red Lobster.

So why are we here?

Oh, no. I don't do that anymore, Brian.

-Oh, right. -No.

-Yeah, your rich husband. -Mm-hm.

Yeah, rich husband. Where is he?

-Well, he's away on business. -Hm.

Oh, don't be jealous.

-Jealous? -Mm.

No, baby. I'm not jealous.

Divorcing you was one of the best things I could've ever done.

Can we at least just try to be sensible for tonight, please?

Just for our daughter. We got one night.

You're always so uptight.

Yeah, I am uptight. You know why?

Because their mom, who married some rich guy,

comes in all the time

and gives them all these great gifts, she's like the fairy godmother.

Where was she when they were younger when I was doing all the work?

Now she's here.

Whatever this is, there better not be any drama, any foolishness, okay?

Oh, there's my son. Hey.

Hi, Mom.

-Hi, Dad. Hey. -Hey, son.

What are you wearing?

Oh, Tiff said dress up.

Dad said it was okay, so I just threw on my old good things, you know?

-Looks great. -This is made great. It still fits.

-Uh-huh. Yeah. -What's wrong with what he's wearing?

And, oh! And you brought your backpack.

Yeah.

See, a nice addition.

-Dad got it for me last week. -What? Tiger the Teddy.

Yeah!

Actually, oh, I really gotta go.

I'm gonna use the lavatory.

I have to tinkle, I've been holding this in all day. Dad, do--

-I think it's back there, son. -Thanks, Dad.

You gotta go, you gotta go. Right? Gotta go, gotta go, my boy.

Okay. He's 19 years old,

still walking around talking about "tinkle"

with a teddy bear on his backpack, Brian.

Here we go with the judgment. Is that what you're doing?

Let's talk about judgment. Bring the judgment.

I told you, let me spend some time with him so I can teach him about life.

Ah, did you forget the reason that I have custody?

Did you forget that?

My substance abuse was years ago, Brian.

Yes, it was, at the time when both these kids needed you the most.

Well, his daddy didn't teach him how to be a man, now did he?

B.J. has a 4.0 GPA, okay?

-He knows nothing about life. -We really doing this in this restaurant?

-You gave him nothing! -Dad?

-Hi. -hi.

-How are you, honey? -Hey, sweetheart.

-Y'all aren't at it again, are you? -No. No, not at all.

We're fine. Right, Brian?

Dad?

Who's this?

Oh, you remember Zavier.

No, I don't.

-No, I meant Mom. -Right.

-What? -Of course. Hey, Z. Good to see you again.

-Yo, that shit on that boat?

-Oh! -Shit on the boat? What?

My husband was being so naughty.

I'm sorry.

Uh, who are you?

-I'm your daughter's man. -Yeah.

Yeah. 'Sup?

Zavier, but they call me Z.

'Sup, my nigga?

What is happening right now?

-Hey! What's up? -Hey, b.j.

Oh, okay.

Z? Hey, man.

-What's up, big man? -What's up?

-Wait. You know him too? -Oh, yeah.

Mama introduced us last year, you know, summer vacation in Italy.

It was pretty fun.

-Uh, so last summer? -Yeah.

Last summer, yeah.

That's when Tiffany and Z really hit it off.

And now they're dating.

Dating? This was four months ago, and I have not met him.

Yeah, that's because I wanted to be sure.

I'm sorry. Be sure about what? Did you want to still date him? What?

Shit, more than that, I'mma be hitting that.

-Oh! -Okay, stop it.

What does that mean? What does he mean by that?

Wait.Sorry, my dad--

I'm turning into my dad. Wait, wait. What? What? What?

Can we all sit down so we can have dinner and discuss it, please?

-Yes. -Come on, B. Come around here.

Oh, goodness. Brian, come on. Have a seat.

Uh, yeah, I just wanna know, discuss what?

-Well-- Okay. -Let me.

Tiffany wanted us all to meet here

so she could share something with you that I already know.

Tiffany?

Share something? What-- What's happening?

Zavier asked me to marry him.

And I said… yes.

And I gave my blessing.

And now all we need is yours.

Eh, we don't need it, but she would like it.

Can I give mine? Uh, 'cause…

Well, Dad, say something.

Brian?

I, um… think I left the doggie door locked and we need to let the dog in.

Wait, what? When did we get a dog?

-What kind of dog y'all got? -Dad!

I'm allergic.

-What? -Hey, go easy, my nigga.

He doesn't look too well.

Freeze, or I'll blow your brains out if you move.

Daddy, it's me, your son.

I don't know you. Who the hell say I know you?

Your mama done lied to you, said that I'm your daddy.

Your mama's a liar.

How I know you my child? How I--

Ow, man, stop it.

Oh, yeah. You my child.

Sitting there whining like a little bitch.

Come on, Mabel. It's that boy that the condom broke on.

Oh, hey. Hey!

-Ooh, Lord. -Look at her.

-I didn't know who the hell-- -What are you doing in the bushes?

They been breaking into houses here.

But they come to this address, they gonna get glocked up in this piece.

Why do you have an assault rifle and a gun?

What am I missing? I'm the district attorney in this city.

Good, you can help us get off.

Yeah, uh, free Meek.

In the club, I'mma free Meek

So I guess you really think that blood is thicker than the law?

Hell, yeah.

It's gonna be thinner than these bullets when you laying here bleeding.

Uh, stitches get snitches, chicas.

Stop it.

What kind of guns are these? People are killed by guns every day.

But guns ain't killing people. Shit, people killing people with the gun.

That's right. You think I'm gonna sit in my house with a damn .22

when these fools got TEC-9s?

I gotta meet power with power, baby.

That's right.

I hold it like this. I saw that on the TV.

Told you he was a Democrat. This is America, you understand?

And my second codependent--

Something about a-- some amendment,

one of the amendments say I can carry this gun.

Do you even know what the Second Amendment says?

Yes, it say I can shoot your Black ass for sitting on my porch,

and I can stand my ground. That's my second per-mendment.

Brian, you know you need to call before you come over here,

'cause I'd hate to have to bury your ass in the backyard like them other mens.

Accidents happen.

I'm sorry, you'd shoot somebody for sitting on your porch?

Basically. Hell, if I could bury the body…

If they can't find you, no face, no case.

Why did I come over here?

That's what the hell we wanna know.

All right, come on, tell me, why'd you come over here? What is it?

-Apparently to be abused. -And shot.

Double tap, bam, bam.

What's going on, boy? Tell us.

Fine. Fine. This day can't get any worse.

It's my kids.

Oh, Lord, this one.

Okay, what's that look for?

You too damn soft on them children, letting them talk back and shit.

Right, and that little boy, ooh!

He just like his daddy. He a little bitch too.

Yep. Just like his daddy. A little bitch.

You know what? I'm going home.

Boy, sit your sensitive ass down, hell. We're just talking to you.

We believe in tough love. Don't come here looking for sympathy.

We gonna laugh your ass out the door if you looking for sympathy.

Life is hard. Get used to it. Suck it up.

Oh, you think this is funny. Great.

I'm sorry, we've been smoking.

Wee!

If Cora ever talked to me like your kids talk to you,

I'd have been in the electrical chair.

Hell, no, them children would have been dead.

That's what I mean.

I would've been in an electrical chair for killing them.

Okay. What was I supposed to do, beat them like you beat me?

Look at you, you turned out great.

You're a little on the… side, but you all right.

You're a successful, law-abiding citizen, better than we was.

I just feel like I failed sometimes,

like I didn't raise my kids well, okay?

I didn't want to give them the beatings that you gave me.

I didn't want them to be afraid of me.

I wanted them to have the freedom to be able to express themselves

and be able to do whatever they wanted to do.

Maybe if I had a better example as a fa--

You about to get shot, you better shut up.

Are you saying I'm the reason your damn children is jacked the hell up?

You blaming me? "Blame the parent."

What about their crackhead-ass mama?

There are psychologists that say--

Don't be talking to me about no psythology.

I made you a man, that's what I did.

You need to beat them kids' ass before the police do.

It's taking too long, I'm getting tired. What'd these kids do? I need to lay down.

Tiffany is getting married to some boy I just met.

-Getting married? Who is this boy? -Somebody I wanna kill.

Oh, Mabel, look who want a gun now.

I don't know what to do. He's rude, disrespectful,

and they want to get married in two weeks.

-Two weeks? -Yeah.

Oh, hell.

Oh, yeah, the rabbit died. She pregnant.

No.

-Oh, hell, it's a shotgun wedding. -No, he ain't got no shotgun.

He ain't got no--

Ooh, I'm so high.

What am I gonna do?

Go your ass home.

Bring him by here tomorrow. I'm having a fish fry.

We'll play a little cards, spades, and I'll talk to him.

Bring him by here tomorrow, okay? You hear me?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

I know, I thought of it. Now get your ass on out of my house. Go home.

But wait, I wanna-- I wasn't done talking.

This family. Jeez.

-Hey, hey. -Hey.

-How you doing, Fred? -You're here early.

What'd your kids do now?

She's getting married in two weeks.

That's… sudden.

Yeah, who you telling? This is the kid here.

Call our contacts at the FBI and see what you can find on him.

I want everything. I mean, I want everything there is to know.

-It says there he has a clean record. -I know, but that can't be right.

I mean, this kid's, like, he's a gangsta rapper.

He got a teardrop on his face.

She brings a kid in there with a teardrop on his face!

Something's wrong. I can't find anything on him in our system.

Fred, you gotta help me find something. There's gotta be something.

-You gotta hurry. -Okay.

-I'll see what I can find out. -But hurry.

She said two weeks, so hurry up.

I got it. I'll get on it.

-Take it easy. Relax. -Yeah, like yesterday.

I got it. I'm on it.

-Just play. Play! -Play a card, boy. Here.

What the hell wrong with you?

You want to hit some of this? You look all sad and depressed.

Looking like an upside-down titty.

Don't you see I have a beer? I'm good. Thank you.

He's sitting there drinking a damn light beer with a lime in it.

He brang a light beer.

If that ain't some old bitch juice, I don't know what is.

-Uncle Joe! -Just play!

-Play a card, boy. Hell. -Uh-uh!

-He set. He reneged. -Nuh-uh. No, no.

-You reneged. -You reneged. You set.

You reneged.

You know your daddy don't like y'all to get him set!

I can't stand your Black ass!

I was so mad when that condom broke when you were born.

-Uncle Joe. -Gonna get us set, gonna hit and renege.

I don't feel like playing this game.

Brian, you all right?

-No, Cora. He's upset. -Why?

About that daughter of his being pregnant.

Pregnant?

Nobody said she was pregnant. What are you doing?

Nobody said she was pregnant, okay? No one said that.

-Okay. -All right.

Just wanna know why she's in such a rush to get married.

-'Cause she pregnant. -Oh, that's definitely pregnant.

And in two weeks, Cora.

You know why two weeks, she'll be showing in three.

-That's why she's trying to get-- -Uncle Joe!

-She is not pregnant. Stop it. -Okay. All right.

That is a reason to run down the aisle.

Children don't rush to get married no more when they pregnant.

No, they used to do that back in the day. They don't do that no more.

All of that went out of style with Brown's boots

and his dark-colored suits.

Oh, Lord.

Lord.

I really don't know what it is.

Whatever it is, ha, we finna find out.

Look at this. Look.

That thing can walk.

-She got theme music. -Oh, shucky duck, girl.

I like that coat, Debrah.

-Thank you. -That coat is nice.

-It looks like a porcupine at the top. -Really nice.

Thank you guys so much.

Baby, that's a nice coat, but is it that damn cold?

Ooh, she got all the fur just wrapped all around her. Rawr!

What is that, girl? Pussycat?

Ooh, she got on squirrel.

-That's chipmunk. -That's possum.

I ain't never seen no blue possum squirrel.

Come sit down, baby.

-Look at B.J. Got a little book bag. -Hey, b.j.

Hey, b.j.

-What kind of hat is that? -I don't know, baby. I just look at it.

Baby, I hear you getting married.

I am. See, look at the ring.

Oh, well, you must be the lucky young man.

Yeah, well, you know what? I think I found me one.

Bam, leave that baby alone.

And what the hell you gotta put on lipstick for when you see him?

'Cause I want him to look at my lips.

This is my fiancé.

How you doing, young man?

What's up, Ma?

-Uh-uh. -Ooh, "Ma."

-No, baby. Ma-- What? -Ma--

"Ma" is slang.

No, he better put a D-E-A on the back of that "Ma."

Don't be slanging nothing over here, honey.

-Oh, hell. Who called the DEA? -Ooh…

I'm sorry, you sit here and act like you don't know I am, like who I work for.

What are you doing?

Aw, you in the family, hell.

When you got the law in the family, you all right.

Hell, I be telling them all your business,

'cause I know what you doing before you got all your clearance.

Anyway, young man, let me introduce myself.

Uh, I am Leroy L. Brown,

and the L is for "living lavishly large."

What's up, old nigga?

Oh!

You heard him.

Did he just call me "old nigga"?

That's exactly what he said.

We don't say "nigga" in this house, nigga.

Wipe that booger off the side of your eye.

Brown, that's a teardrop, because he killed somebody. I love it.

-You funny. -You funny.

-Oh, yeah? -Is he high? He got to be high.

-Yeah, he high. -Look at them eyes.

Oh, I can recognize a good high. What's that? Mary Jane!

Bam!

I'm in love with Mary Jane.

Uh, excuse me, young man. What's your name again?

Oh, okay, Z. Well, tell us something about yourself.

-No, I'm not gonna do that. -Oh.

What? Wait a minute. What did he say?

He said no, he won't do that.

He is an artist.

He prefers to let his energy speak for him.

-Mm. -oh.

Like maybe a finger painting artist or something. You think so?

He an artist?

That means he ain't got no job. He got no job. He don't work.

Okay, since my dad already told you,

we wanted to take this time to formally invite you to the wedding.

-It's in two weeks. -Baby, let me ask you something.

Why is you rushing to get married all of a sudden?

Well, love has no time.

It lives in between molecules.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's gonna be beautiful. So I want you all to be there.

Okay, now wait a minute now. Y'all gonna have free food?

-Yes. -Yes.

Y'all gonna have an open bar?

-Yes. -Yes.

We will be there.

And wait, that's not even the best part.

-There's more? -The best part is it's going to be a…

-Destination wedding! -Destination wedding!

-Oh, it's a destination wedding! -Destination!

-What's a defecation wedding? -Cora.

That means it's gonna be in a beautiful place, Madea.

That's what that means.

Oh, like-- Baby, they're finna take us all the way to Biloxi. Pensacola?

No, no, no.

We're going to The Bahamas.

-We going to Africa? -What?

Yeah, that's in South Africa, Cora. You don't know that?

-We ain't going to Africa. -It's in Africa.

We gotta get our passports first--

We gotta get a passport to go there?

-Yes. -Hell no, I can't go.

I am illegal in 92 countries.

Ain't no way they gonna give me no passport.

Brian, you can help with that, right?

Yeah, help us get our passport.

Do they test you when you get there? I gotta get this weed out of my system.

Y'all get me some cranberry juice.

Tiffany wants a beautiful wedding, and the father pays for the wedding.

So we didn't wanna pick a place like Italy or something like that.

We wanted to go to a place where you could afford.

You can handle that, I'm sure. Right, Brian?

Brian, if you want, I can help you with a budget wedding.

-Oh, no, darling. -Oh, no?

-Y'all don't do budgets? -We don't do budgets.

Right, but we all do budgets.

Oh, no, sweetheart, it's gonna be lavish. Look.

Oh, lavish.

Look here, that place is beautiful, all them beaches and everything.

But I am on a fixed income.

I cannot be going all the way to no Bahamas.

Me neither, Mabel. I can't go to no island.

Them men, they gonna be after me.

Like Taken.

No, they ain't gonna do nothing but takin' you and throw you back here.

Joe, you need throwing back. Shut up.

They try to throw a hook out for her, they'll say, "We need a bigger boat."

Yep.

Cora, that place look real expensive.

It is expensive, but we can go to this wedding.

We can pool all together our money.

Uh-uh. My pool is empty.

And my pool is kiddie.

My pool ain't got no water.

And my pool is cess. I can't go, Cora.

Seriously, y'all, we can just all stay in one room.

I'm not gonna stay up in a room with these people.

We can make pallets and everything, Madea, it'll be fun.

No, baby, I need a bed. I need beds.

Cora, I'm not sleeping on no floor with Madea.

Okay, well, if Brian's ego would allow us to pay for the wedding,

you wouldn't have to do all that. You would have your own room.

-Don't fall for it. -Put your echo aside.

Hey, boy. She's trying to set you up.

He look like he's smelling something.

Yeah, he does. He's getting ready to choke her out.

-Uh… -Oh.

-He don't look happy. -He sure don't.

Debrah, can we talk outside in traffic for a second, please?

Okay, never mind.

Tiffany, I told you that he wasn't gonna be able to afford this.

-I know. -But that's okay.

Because your stepdad and I would love to pay for it.

It's already booked and ready.

I know the owner of the resort. It's done.

Done.

Your father can't afford nothing like that, girl.

Oh, you know what?

So you're trying to make me look bad in front of my family, I see.

That what you're doing?

Well, that's pretty damn easy to do.

Listen, it's handled, okay? It's done.

It's not handled, okay? It's not done.

She's trying to set you up. Don't fall for that.

The father pays for the wedding of the daughter, so…

Don't fall for it.

Don't. She-- Don't do it.

I'm gonna pay for it!

Everybody will have their own room. That settles it.

We're going to Africa! Yes!

Oh, I gotta go get my bikini.

We're going to Africa!

Hey, hey!

-They're not gonna let us in. -Yeah!

Hey, when they say "sex," I'm just going to write down "plenty."

Be quiet before somebody notice we over here.

Mabel, are you nervous?

You know I don't like being around white folks in uniform.

They be locking people up just 'cause.

Girl, what if they pull my record?

They're not gonna pull your record, Madea.

-Just relax. -They gonna pull up my record.

All you gotta do is take a picture.

-Brian is taking care of everything. -I took plenty.

Every time, it was for a mug shot.

I know they got all my mug shots back there.

They got cameras and people listening. Probably in the sprinklers.

-They watching us in these lights. -Mabel, fill out your form.

I don't want to. I can't do this.

-I'm nervous. -You wanna go to the wedding, don't you?

Listen, I'll see y'all there.

Madea, you got to get your passport.

Cora, I don't need no damn passport. I'm a thug.

I will hit that southern border and make my way all the way around.

She know how to do that, Cora.

-Did Trump build the wall? -Ah…

Mr. Leroy Brown?

Oh, yes, Leroy G. Brown it is.

The G is for "We going to Africa."

-Be careful, Brown. -I am.

-He's so dumb. -Right this way.

Betty Ann Murphy.

Oh. Present.

And we're going to Arabia.

-We're not going to no Arabia! -Yes, we are.

That's just so dumb.

Joseph K.P. Simmons?

That's me.

The K.P. stands for "Keep pimpin' these hos."

How you doing, baby? Come on. Where we going, baby?

I'll put some money on your book, Joe.

Why didn't they call my name?

-Madea-- -Cora, I don't like this.

Madea, they didn't call you because it's only so many workers.

Just relax. What's wrong with you?

Oh, hell. Is that how I'm coming out?

-Just-- -Cora, she in handcuffs.

-I know they finna get me, Cora. -They not gonna get you.

Cora, she in handcuffs.

-What makes you think-- -I know she in handcuffs, Cora.

-What-- -Why they got her in handcuffs, Cora?

Why the lady in handcuffs, Cora?

Why did they-- Maybe she did something wrong.

Cora, I always do something wrong. Why is she in handcuffs?

I don't know, Madea. Just-- You causing a scene.

You gonna draw them to you.

Mabel Earlene Simmons.

-Okay, I'mma go. -Here she is, right here.

-This is her right here. -No.

She called my whole government name.

Madea, it's all right. Just relax. It's okay.

Mabel. I got mine, Mabel, I'm ready to go.

-See? -She got hers.

-Yeah. -Well, get up.

Mabel Earlene Simmons.

Madea, they calling you.

I can't do it. Every time she say it, I get nervous.

-All I hear is clink, clink. -Just go up there. Go.

Well, I got mine.

-You got yours too? -Yep. Here we come, Africa.

We're not going to Africa. See, Madea?

You just getting all worked up for nothing.

All right, y'all.

Joe, you got yours?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Did they ask you about Vegas?

What the hell you-- Don't talk about Vegas up in here.

-What happened in Vegas? -Nuh-uh.

Stay in a child's place. It was before you was born. Uh-uh. Hush.

Cora! Shut the hell up.

Don't worry. They was talking about Vegas. You ain't gotta worry, baby.

But don't you want to go to The Bahamas?

-Y'all send me a video and some pictures. -Madea.

Let me tell you something. I got chills up my holy spine.

The Holy Ghost is telling me to leave right now.

Saying, "Mabel, this is the Holy Ghost. Get outta here right now."

-Mabel, you ain't got no Holy Ghost. -Last call for Mabel Earlene Simmons.

Go, Madea, that's your-- Here she is! Go!

Cora, if you don't get your hands off me, I'll punch you in your Adam's apple.

Well, don't hit me. They called you.

-Maybe they giving away flat-screen TVs. -You got one too?

-You can get a free TV? -Yeah.

-A flat-screen? -Yeah.

-Fine, I'm going back there. -Well, go.

I'm not scared of nothing.

-That's right. -I'm not finna be scared of these people.

It's a passport. What are they gonna do?

That's right.

I'm gonna get my passport.

-Yes! -Go get it.

-Madea, please, just go. -Fine!

Lord, forgive me for lying. I just wanted to get her to go.

Thank you!

Built like a damn nine-volt battery.

I mean, just square.

-Right, may I have that, please? -Yes.

-Thank you. -Where you want me?

Uh, right over there.

Stand right here? Okay. I remember these boards.

You look familiar.

Konnichiwa.

-Okay. Um, yeah, stand right there. -Mm-hm.

Okay.

Uh, no, ma'am. Turn around.

Turn?

-Okay. -Right this--

No, ma'am. Forward.

-This way? -Yes, ma'am.

-Okay. -Yes. Okay.

All right, you got me.

Where my number? Just give me the number, I'll hold it.

-You got me. Just give me the number. -No, ma'am. Just stand still.

-Okay. -Straight face. No smile.

-All right. Thank you. -Yeah. You're good.

I told Cora.

Excuse me.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Cora, they coming to get me!

Cause enough wind to be a damn hurricane.

Hey, watch the glass, big bitch.

Oh!

Ooh!

-She dead. -Is she okay?

-No, she ain't okay. She crazy. -I gotta go check on her.

-Ma'am. -Lord.

-Quick, come on. -Mabel, get up.

Is she all right?

-Madea, are you all right? -She alive.

-Oh, my God, Madea. -Is she okay?

No, I'm not okay. Call the…

I didn't see that glass. Now I done busted my ass.

She all right. She okay, ma'am. She's okay.

Y'all got a back door? I'm gonna meet them in the car.

-She all right. -Ma'am, here's your passport.

Oh, I got my passport?

-Yeah. -Oh, okay.

Oh, I look good too.

-Where's the bride-to-be and the groom? -Mm.

Debrah took them there on a private jet.

-What? Debrah got it like that? -Mm-hm.

-No. Her husband has it like that. -Oh.

-Oh, okay. -And she never lets me forget it.

Cora, this wedding is costing me a fortune.

She said she would pay for it.

No, I wasn't gonna let her do that.

And I'd hear about it for the rest of my life? No, no, no.

I did manage to save a little money. I got some things on a budget.

Well, that's good. Wait a minute. Now what'd you do?

Mm. Don't worry about it. Where's Madea? I haven't seen her.

You know her big ass don't walk.

Got a four-by-four trying to drag her up that elevator.

-This airport too damn big, child. -There she is.

-I got to walk all the way here? -No. That's why they got you a ride.

I like this airport, baby. It's real nice.

-When you been here? -I only come to one or two of 'em.

-We about to pop a wheelie. -We going to The Bahamas!

-Where y'all going? -Where you going, Alabama?

-There they is. -Going to The Bahamas.

We going to Africa.

We're going to The Bahamas.

Oh, it's this here.

-I smell burning. -Them damn tires on the floor.

-Get off here. -I'm trying to. I got a way to get off.

Ooh! Look how that tire jumped way up when we got off.

-You did that. -You'll need some new tires.

-Oh. -Here's your bag, miss.

Oh, thank you. I live alone.

And here you go. That's my number.

Uh, okay, I'll put it in a safe place.

Bam, that man don't want your number. He want a tip.

-Tip, tip, tip. Catch me. -What?

Oh, hell, that ain't no damn tip.

Okay, all right. We're boarding.

-All right, let's go. Where we going? -We're going to the gate.

Oh, Brown, I left my purse. Grab my purse off of there.

He got my tip.

It ain't on there. I got my purse!

What you got me running for, then?

Come on, let's go and get on the plane. Get on the airplane.

He's so damn gullible, ain't he? Hey, "Gullible travel."

Get on in.

Ooh, Lord, we getting ready to go on to The Bahamas.

I don't even understand this.

-Mabel, why are we back here? -No, I don't under-- Hold on, Brian.

-Yeah. -I do not understand.

Uh, what we doing back here?

-Right. -The big seats is up there.

-Right. -Well, Madea--

Hold on. Debrah said she was gonna fly us,

so we supposed to be sitting up in first class,

not back here like we damn Rosa Parks in the back of the bus.

Brian is gonna pay for it. I mean, he's taking care of this.

What? Hell, I told your dumb ass to let her pay for it.

-Right. -I paid for it.

-Wait, we're up here? -Yeah.

Uh-uh.

Nigga, what's wrong with you?

Spending all that money on a wedding that'll last two weeks.

-That's all it's going to last. -I hope not.

Okay, all right. Thank you, Daddy, okay?

You're embarrassing me in front of all these people.

No, Mabel, I can't sit in no coach.

Okay, your seats match the ticket number on the seat.

That's where everybody's sitting, okay?

Is this the chair? Oh, no, I can't sit in no chair.

Give me a folding chair. I can't be sitting up here in no coach.

What is coach, Bam?

It's this little bitty-ass seat, Mabel.

Baby, these hips right here do not work on no coach machine.

Them seats ain't small. Hell, your ass just big.

Daddy, can you sit down?

Pilot, y'all got a weight limit on this plane?

Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's a problem.

We all supposed to sit back here?

You got all of us trying to sit on this airplane?

Can everybody sit down? Thank you. We're sorry.

-It's my family. -Ain't finna sit here like Rosa Parks!

We don't know what's in this damn plane.

You got us trying to sit on this airplane?

I am so glad I lost those three pounds.

We wouldn't have been able to sit here.

-That's right. -Ooh, Lord.

I almost can't breathe.

-Just-- -I can't breathe either.

And it's cold on here. Why it's so cold?

Can y'all turn the heat up?

Madea, just calm down.

Give me the blanket here.

-Yeah. -Thank you. Put this over myself.

Look at them over there. Looking like two damn pigs in a blanket.

-You good? -I'm better.

-All right. Y'all just be still now. -Okay, good.

How we gonna be still?

We can't do nothing but be still, stuck up in here like this.

-Mabel. -What?

These seats so tight, girl. Y'all giving me a mammogram.

-Maybe. -Eh!

-Mabel, hm-hm, look. -What?

-Is he…? -Is that a coloring book?

Madea, y'all leave him alone.

About to go to college and still playing with coloring books.

They make coloring books for adults.

No, they don't, unless the people naked in them.

No, they don't.

Something wrong with him.

They have coloring books that relax your mind for adults.

That's Paw Patrol.

Hey, got a coloring book, huh?

Huh?

Color-- What you listening to?

Oh, Beethoven's Fifth.

-Betobeben's Fifth? -Yeah, "Beethoven."

Betobeben. Oh, the dog.

Yeah, I saw that movie with the dog. He was a big dog.

Oh, you talking about classical. You like it?

-Yeah, it's soothing. -Yeah.

Do you wanna listen?

-Nah, nah. -Are you sure?

I'mma pass on that bullshit.

What are you listening to?

Let me turn you on to some Young Thug.

-Young Thug? -Young Thug, yeah. Play that, nigga.

-Interesting name. -Yeah, listen.

-Is he new? -No, he ain't new. Listen to it.

'Bout to set up a li'l mousetrap

You's a pussy, nigga, you's a pussy…

Oh, my.

-Oh, Grandpa. -Yeah.

They're saying the P-word a lot.

I can't listen to this.

This is so bad.

The P-word?

Yes. How can you listen to that?

-What the hell? That boy don't know what-- -Daddy, stop it.

-He don't know what-- -Daddy.

-He don't know what poontang is? -Shut up.

-He don't know what coochie is? -Daddy, stop it, okay?

What? Hell, he came from one.

-Do you know what they were singing? -Yeah. Just go back to your coloring book.

Yeah, y'all listen to your music, finish your coloring book.

Damn shame.

-Oh, wait! Mabel! -What the hell?

-What the hell happened? -What the hell is that?

Oh, Mabel!

Uh-uh!

What the hell happened?

-Calm down. Everybody, calm down. -It was turbulence.

Just a little turbulence.

I can't hold it no more!

-Mr. Brown. -Dad, what is wrong?

-You have to sit down. -I can't!

Whenever I get nervous, my stomach starts bubbling,

and I'm about to blow it up!

Oh no, don't say "blow--"

Oh!

Where's the--

Where's the bomb? Give me the detonator!

A gun! Is that a terrorist?

-I'm not a terrorist! -He's a federal marshal.

-He said he had a bomb. -I don't have no bomb!

-No, no, no. -DA Simmons?

Yes, DA Simmons. Listen, he didn't mean it.

He meant "blow it up" like "smell bad," a bathroom.

He doesn't have a bomb.

-Are you sure? -Yes, I'm sure.

-I think I did it. -You did blow a bomb.

Oh, he did have a bomb.

-Oh, Brown. -I think I did.

Oh, Brown.

-Did he defecate on himself? -Oh, Brown.

That Brown went brown.

I think I did.

Oh, Brown.

I think I did. Don't look at it.

I'm going on to first class.

Brown, you're leav-- You're streaking, Brown.

Don't look at it.

It's worse than that woman who had diarrhea on that plane.

Brown, you're streaking, Brown. Oh, Brown.

Oh, Lord, Brown.

-Y'all got some wipes? -Brown, close the damn door.

Send it right now…

Sir, why are you driving on the wrong side of the van?

Bam, this is The Bahamas.

They drive on the opposite side of the road.

-This is amazing. -Yo!

-What's this look like to you? What? -I saw this in Detroit.

-It look like downtown Detroit. -It does not. Detroit does not.

Bam, this does not look like Detroit.

Dad, they got seahorses!

-This looks expensive. Wow. -Whoa!

You got it.

This looks like a cathedral!

-Wow. -Ooh-wee!

Yeah, this is lovely, honey.

This is beautiful. This is beautiful.

-We can set up chairs and everything. -Yeah.

-Yes. Just come on. -We got to be in Egypt.

-No, we're… -It's The Bahamas.

Hello. Welcome to Atlantis Paradise Island.

-Thank you very much. -No problem.

Bam, you okay?

Yeah.

You that tired?

Hush, Brown. Just hush, okay?

Worry about your own self.

You walked just from the bus, and you out of breath? What's wrong?

-You need to get your heart checked. -Are you okay?

-I'm so annoyed. -Oh.

-You look it. -It's okay, Mabel.

Oh, Lord, have mercy. That plane worked on my nerves.

-Brown, you smell like shit. -She's fine.

You should have washed on that plane.

I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can get for you?

Yes, you can get me Atlantur. Thank you. Hellur?

Well, this isn't Atlanta, but it is Atlantis.

I promise we'll make you as comfortable as possible.

She's fine. We just need to get checked into our room.

We had a little rough ride getting here.

-Which name is the reservation under? -We all with him.

-Simmons. Brian Simmons. -Simmons?

-Yeah. -That's him.

Simmons. Okay, uh…

We have two junior suites for all of you.

-Two, that's right. Two for everybody. -Say what?

-Huh? -Two room for who?

All of us in the same damn room?

No, we're not in the same room. We'll be in two rooms, okay?

You lying to me.

Well, I didn't know either, y'all. We could make some pallets.

Cora, if you say "pallet" one more time, I'mma punch you in your damn throat.

Why?

What the hell you saying? I'm taking my Bahama mama home.

Hell no, boy. Let me tell you something right now.

I never liked you. I never liked you at all.

You was the last sperm.

You gotta watch that last sperm, that's the one that gets you in trouble.

Uncle Joe, would you stop that? That's your son!

I don't like him, hell.

He got me in coach, now got all of us in the same room.

My blood pressure's going through the roof.

If you're trying to kill me for the insurance money, I have none.

The insurance is on Joe. Kill his ass, and I'll be happy.

But leave me the hell alone up in here.

And don't ask me how I know the beneficiary,

but if he get pushed off a boat or die in a plane crash,

I might be all right.

Just calm down, y'all. Don't do that.

Shut up! Don't talk to me, Cora. You got me here to a wedding.

Women up in here.

-Two rooms! -She's kinda cute back there.

-I could've stayed at home. -What if I got to pee?

After what you just did on the plane, Mr. Brown,

you'll be in the other room. It's all fine.

-Y'all just calm down. -Y'all make no sense.

-It's okay, y'all. -Ain't you a lawyer?

-He's trying to make it work. -Hey, hey!

You guys made it.

Damn, Debrah look good. I see why you liked her.

Since she got off that shit, the ass came back.

How you doing? Good to see you.

Hey! Ooh! I like her hair. Her hair is nice.

What's the matter?

-They got us in the same room. -What is wrong with you?

Well, I told Brian

that my husband and I would gladly take care of it.

But he insisted that he wanted to pay for it.

Brian, you know what?

But that's okay,

because I have all of your rooms on standby.

-Ooh! -Thank God for you.

I knew that he couldn't afford it, and it would be a nightmare.

So I was prepared to step in.

Oh, that was shade. That was what the young people call shade.

Be nice, Debrah. Be nice.

I said I was paying for it, okay? That's what I said.

Not two damn rooms, you not. I know damn well.

I'm finna get the hell up outta here.

Give me a car, a cab. I need an Uber. I'm going home.

I got it, okay? I got it. I got it. Ha!

Boy, don't let her set you up like that.

How much will it be for seven rooms?

My husband is friends with the owner of the hotel,

and I talked to them about giving you a steep discount.

Shut up.

How steep is steep?

Uh, half price, sir.

-There you go. -Half price? Half of what?

Well, the rooms are $100 a night.

-Do that. -That's good.

-$100 a room? -Yeah, for two nights, I can do that.

-Only for you, sir. -Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you.

-May I have your card? -Yes.

-He got a debit card. -Debit.

-It's red. -Don't do that.

I could've used my EBT. What is he doing with a red?

How you get a red debit card? That means you in the red.

Thank you so much. He likes to feel like he's contributing.

A debit card. He's using a debit card.

-Your card. -Thank you.

-I hope it go through. -Y'all don't have money.

-Your room keys. -Thank you.

A red card!

-Shut up! -Don't do that.

-At least he in the red. -I got a credit card.

With his debit card.

You got a Sears card. Sears ain't even around no more.

-Thank you. -I got a ebt.

-Bam, he got it. -He got a debit card.

Madea, I have a really nice suite for you.

Ooh, Debrah, I always liked you.

I made sure they saved you a special suite.

I mean, it is beautiful. It has an ocean view.

Thank you. I tell everybody. I say, "I like you."

All for you.

-Mabel, you so two-faced. -What you talking about?

You said on the plane you didn't like her 'cause her breath was stinky.

Bitch, shut your mouth.

-Great. -You're all set to go.

He had to use two of them. He split it up.

I'd like a big room.

Give me a key. Can I have my key?

Thank you so much. Is this my key? Thank you.

Come on, my room better be nice. It better be nice.

I want-- You get your key. I want a suite too.

She's standing back in her lane.

Oh, wait, Dad. Come on, there's a waterslide.

-Waterslide? -Yeah.

-Waterslide? Yeah, sounds like fun. -We gotta go.

We have many waterslides.

Really? Y'all got, like, the big waterslide,

where you come all the way down, all to be, "Whoa!" Like that?

-Yeah, just like that. -Oh!

I wanna go. That's gonna be fun.

There's some passes in those.

Feel free to use them on any rides, attractions, slides, anything.

And if you need to,

you can use your room key to charge any additional rides.

Come on, let's go.

-Dad, we got passes! -Yeah, come on.

Let me ask you something. Y'all got a casino over there?

Yes, sir. Yeah. Yes, sir.

All right, now.

Joe, you don't need to be at no casino.

Brown, shut the hell up.

Mind your damn business.

You already lost your car and everything.

Joe!

Just let him go.

He's only got 20 bucks anyway. He'll be fine.

He lost the house the last time when he was gambling.

-Whoo! This is beautiful. -Yes, indeed, baby.

I know it. It looks so good.

-You picked a good place for a wedding. -Thank you.

-Yeah, that's a lot of money, though. -Mabel.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

I'm gonna need me a cart or a scooter or something.

I hope they have a good buffet here.

Oh, I'm gonna eat good today.

Look at them aquariums. Maybe they'll fry some fish.

Is that all included?

-Included? -Yeah, is that all included?

If you invite me somewhere, you gonna feed me.

Now, Brian done paid for the room, you can pay for your food.

I'm not paying for nothing. I'm a lady of the evening.

If I pay, I'm getting something. I'm gonna eat.

You got to feed me. You think this is the Fyre Festival?

-What's the Fyre Festival? -Don't worry, Bam.

I was laid out on that beach looking sexy with nothing to eat.

-That sounds hot. -That sounds nasty.

Ladies, don't worry about it. It's all-inclusive.

-Put everything on the room. -Put it all on the room?

Hell, put it all on the room, yes.

Fine-ass women in here.

Two.

I wonder if this…

Two. Baccarat.

Remains at two. Okay, player wins. Player.

You won, huh?

-Excuse me. -Hi. Hello.

-How you doing? -I'm good. How are you?

Good. Yeah, I only got $20.

Can I give that to you, and you give me a chip?

Yes. Do you have your room card?

My room key. Why you want my room key for?

We can bill it to your room.

You can bill it to my room?

-Yes, sir. -Just with this?

-Yes, sir. -I keep my cash?

Yes, sir. Upon checkout, we bill your credit card.

My credit, I ain't got no cred--

Oh, well, uh, never mind. Yeah, bill it to my credit card.

-Uh-huh. -Yeah.

-How much can I get? -Whatever you like.

Give me $100.

-Here you go. -Okay.

Okay, 100.

-That's all I gotta do, is say "$100"? -Yes, sir.

Give me $1,000.

Okay, 1,000.

Shit, give me five motherfuckin' thousand.

Okay, 5,000 it is.

-That's good. Let's play! -All right.

Give me 5,000 in them chips.

Look at this.

For you, sir.

We finna play this thing. What, I gotta place a bet?

-Place a bet. -$5,000.

5,000 it is.

-That's my bet. -Yes, sir. That's a bet.

-All they do is bill it to the room. -To the room.

If I want a drink, I can bill that to the room?

It's complimentary.

-The drinks is complimentary? -Yes, sir. 5,000.

Hey, get me a drink over here. Give me some malt liquor.

-$5,000, there we go. -Yes, sir, it is.

-Play a card then, shit. -5,000.

-There we go. -Here we go. Place your bet.

Do I win?

-Six. -Do I win?

-One. -Do I win?

You win. Seven.

-I won? -Yes, sir, you did.

-How much I win? -5,000.

I won $5,000?

Yes, sir. You won 5,000.

Here you go.

-Ooh. This is-- -This my room?

-No, uh-uh. -This is my room?

-Yes, it is. -This is so beautiful.

Look at that view, baby. Look at the view.

Oh, my goodness!

-This is gorgeous. -Yes, indeed, honey. I feel rich.

-This your bed. -This is my room.

I feel like Dian-ta Ross.

-Dian-ta Ross? -Yes.

-Good bed. Lord. Look at that. -Ooh, Cora.

Look at this big old closet, and bathroom.

-Look at the pictures. -Y'all got to see this bathroom.

Oh, my Lord.

-What's in that bathroom? -I mean! Ooh!

Baby, this bathroom is bigger than my damn kitchen.

-It is. It really is. -And look at--

Ooh, this is gorgeous.

What they got two toilets for? That don't make no sense to me.

I don't wanna be next to nobody.

You ain't gonna be sitting next to nobody.

Look at the bathtub.

-Two. -Yes, indeed.

It could be two people in that bathtub.

I love it, make me feel rich, baby.

Lord have mercy. This is just good.

Yes, indeed, honey. This is just wonderful. Debrah, thank you.

You're welcome. I'm glad you like it.

This is gorgeous. Ooh, Debrah, girl.

-This is so gorgeous. -It is. Look at that view.

Ooh, look, Debrah. Girl, how much is this room?

Now, you know I got Brian a great discount.

Oh, yeah, you did.

I love a good discount. I live like I'm rich with a discount.

You better ask somebody, in my luxurious bed,

"Hello, turn me a letter, Vanna."

-I know it. -Well, I'm glad you guys like it.

But, Cora, your room's gona be over there.

The room connected to mine? We got our room connected, baby.

-There you go. -That's not good.

-Yeah, so close. -Bam, your room is through there too.

Through… Wait a minute.

Now, if I close that door right there, can they hear me in here?

-What? -Bam.

I mean, 'cause-- Wait a minute. Do I gotta enter through this common area?

Or can I just go and come like I want to?

You have your own entrance and exit.

Ha!

High-five myself.

Bam, now what do you need your own entrance and exit for?

Baby, don't worry about it, Cora.

-Don't worry about it. -Right. That's right.

Stay in a child's place with your 59-year-old ass.

Mind your own business, baby.

You be spending too much time with Jesus.

Jesus only need one entrance. Bam need three or four.

-Save yourself, huh? -Save yourself.

-I'm all right. -You ain't ready for her.

-Go put on your 'kini. -I'm going to go put on my 'kini.

I'll see y'all later.

Go put on your 'kini with your high booty.

I go right on through here?

-Yeah. -Okay. All right, all right.

I'll see you later, baby.

-Well, listen, guys-- -Oh, my God!

She just excited. Go on.

-I'm gonna leave you to it. -Okay.

Change clothes, be comfortable, do all the things.

See you at the boutique for Tiffany's dress.

-Yes, close the door. -It's beautiful. You'll love it.

You look beautiful. Thank you so much for helping us out.

-Of course! -Brian don't know what he doing.

So lovely.

Yes, she gave me this lovely room.

She wanted me to have it. I don't believe this shit for one minute.

Now, why, Madea?

Cora, that girl ain't never been nice to nobody.

Selfish, all she think about is herself. Why'd she give me this big room?

Madea, stop being so suspicious of everything.

-No. Madea, just enjoy-- -She is up to something!

Will you just enjoy yourself?

-Who you hollering at? -Excuse me.

You about to get punched yourself.

-I'm sorry, but-- -Get outta my room.

-Get the hell outta my room. -Just enjoy yourself.

-Uptight. -Let me go out on the balcony.

Ooh, this is gorgeous, child.

Let me go see what's on the balcony.

Ooh, Lord, look at this.

Yes, indeed. I ain't never seen nothing like this in all my life.

It's just beautiful. This is lovely.

I mean, this is just damn lovely.

Welcome to The Bahamas. Hey, y'all gotta give me a drink.

I love this place. This is some nice shit here.

It says "Worry don't live here no more"

Outta reach

That's where I'll be If you're looking for me…

Yes, indeed. I tell you.

This place is so beautiful. People everywhere just having a good time.

This is gorgeous.

I love it up in here.

-Well, hey, family. -Look! Look who it is.

Hey, y'all.

-'Sup, though? -Hey! Oh, y'all look so happy.

Yes, indeed, looking so good.

-Beautiful couple. -We are happy.

And you look…

She pulled that damn waist so tight, she look like them Kardafalins.

-That's where I got it from! -Who?

I got it from Kim Kardashian.

You did?

That's how you got your waist so snatched?

I may be taking one of them Bahamian men home with me to the US.

Bam, you can't take everybody home with you.

She always wants to. Everywhere, she try to take a man home.

-And do. -And do.

Yeah, she got on them Shims. Your Shimmies from Kim Kardafalin.

I guess I hear that.

Um, I'm about to send this guy off with his friends.

-You got some friends that look like you? -Bam. Bam.

-What? -Don't be desperate.

Listen, I gotta keep my stable tight.

Don't worry about her, young man. Go on and hang out with your friends.

Hey, remember what I told you?

What you got to remember?

She wants me to behave

'cause I'm preparing for my bachelor party tonight.

Wait a minute. Can I come?

-No. -This ain't for the ladies.

I know you better invite my dad.

-He ain't going to that. -Uh-uh.

-He don't like him. -He don't like you.

He don't like you in no kind of way.

He say he can't stand the ground you walk on.

Give him time, y'all.

He wanted to cuss your mama, cuss you in the womb. He don't like you.

Mabel, that's too much.

And he say your hair is a mess and it don't smell good.

-What you mean? -Them braids, don't wash 'em.

-Mabel, that's you. -You just adding.

That's what I'm saying? I'm sorry.

-I thought I heard Brian say-- -He did not.

Behave.

What did I tell you? You're the only woman for me.

Oh, ain't that cute?

-I better be. -Make me wanna throw up.

You think you want an only short little round woman for you?

-Bam, stop being so damn hornty. -I'm only playing.

This my woman right here.

They are so cute together.

Don't forget to invite my dad.

-Tiffany, your dad ain't gonna want-- -No. That was part of the deal.

Okay, I'll invite him.

Well, have fun, but not too much fun.

-I will. -Yeah.

-All right, now. Have a good time. -Have a good time with your friends.

He need to comb his hair.

Talking about going with friends. Tiffany, where your friends at?

Well, because this was so rushed,

my mom decided it would be better to do something

when we got back home for them.

Your friends ain't here? Your mama say your friends can't come?

-None of your friends? -All that money she got?

It's my mom's idea, so it's fine. I think she knows the best for me.

It's your mama's idea for your friends not to be here? What?

That don't make no sense.

Madea, don't start. Don't be messy now.

-I'm not. -She's not messy.

She's petty, but she ain't messy.

I been petty! You better tell her.

That make sense to you? Baby, why y'all rushing this?

Children want to rush and get married because they want a wedding.

Save that damn heartache and have yourself a party.

Have a reception, baby.

Don't rush and do that. You hear me? Marriage is hard as hell.

Sure you wanna marry this boy? You rushing this much?

Yeah, I do.

We're supposed to be going to the pool. Baby, we'll see you in your dress later.

I'm not going to no pool in this dress. This is my floral arrangement.

Where's your swimsuit?

You won't fit in at the pool.

I didn't get my Kardashian to squeeze my waist in. I let Bam borrow mine.

-That's why I don't have my swimsuit. -I did not borrow your nothing.

Good one.

Yeah, I'm so excited to see my dress. I haven't even seen it yet.

-You ain't seen your own damn dress? -You ain't seen your own damn dress?

You ain't seen your dress?

-"Damn dress." -"Damn dress."

I said-- Dress!

No, I haven't. My mom picked it out. But--

-What is this? -She said that I would love it.

-She said you gonna love it? -Maybe she will, y'all.

-What am I missing? I'm missing something. -Yeah.

Who wedding is this, baby?

-Mine. -It seems like it's your mama's.

Stop it. She happy. You happy, right?

-Yes, I am. I'm so happy. I am happy. -No.

Now stop it. The girl says she happy.

You always want somebody to be happy.

This girl pretty, but she don't look happy to me.

You need to be happy. Are you happy?

I was when I looked like her back in the day.

You? Looked like me?

Is she trying to be funny?

-No. -I know she ain't trying to be funny.

-She about to get punched. -Wait, my mama was good-looking, now.

Baby, if you keep living…

-We're getting food. -You still got yours?

I have to keep them lifted up.

I can put these things over my shoulder, but I have to--

-You don't have to tell everybody. -That's-- Look, somebody's scuba diving.

-Yeah! -Hey, scuba diver.

Yes, indeed. Look, the scuba diver.

-Yes. -How you doing?

They're feeding the fish.

-Come on. -We gonna head on to the pool.

-Go on, baby. Go hang out. -And we'll see your dress later.

Bye, baby.

She ain't happy. She ain't happy at all. I don't even understand why they'd--

-Come on. -I don't think she's unhappy.

I told her that if she gonna--

-I don't need no bathing suit, baby. -You do.

I'll go to the pool in my birthday suit!

No, you not!

Hey now!

Gonna skinny-dip?

Oh, I don't know about this, B.J.

Come on, Mr. Brown. What?

Look how steep it is going down there.

You think they just fall off, and then you go under the water? And I don't know.

Yeah. That's a lot of gravity.

-Yeah. -You wanna go first?

No! I ain't going first.

But why, Mr. Brown?

Look, see? Little girls are doing it. You can do it too.

No, I can't. You know why?

Why?

'Cause I'm scared 'cause of that. Did you hear her scream?

They probably won't ever see her again.

You should get your daddy to do it with you.

My dad? No. You know how stuck up he is.

I can't go with my dad. We can do this, me and you.

-No, we can't. -Why not? Yes, we can.

'Cause I don't wanna go. Uh-uh. No.

A man like you isn't afraid of anything. We can do this.

I'm afraid of that.

Every time you hear somebody holler, that water hit them, they peed.

You get in there, "Whoa!" And you drank the pee.

That's not-- No, you're not drinking pee.

How many people you think done peed in that water?

You ride there, like, "Ah!" and water get in your mouth.

Next thing you know you drank.

We don't drink pee.

You go in there.

-Mr. Brown, fine. It's fine. -You know she just peed in there.

She just sat down!

-Pee. -Whoa!

-You hear that? Pee. -That was excitement.

You'll be fine, trust me. Look, take the GoPro.

And you can go down. You just sit down.

-Go down to where? -You just go down the other end.

That's all. You just sit down, close your eyes, and you'll be fine.

'Cause remember what? God didn't give us the spirit of fear.

You're gonna go down here. Cross your legs and arms.

-You'll be fine. -Cross my legs?

Yep, that's it.

-I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! -Wait, Mr. Brown, wait a second.

I'll tell everybody. I said if y'all gonna come--

-I don't wanna go! -What the hell is that?

That sound like Mr. Brown.

-I don't wanna go! -Pray.

-Wait! Wait! -Pray.

Pray, Mr. Brown.

Oh! Save Mr. Brown!

-He's drowning! -He not drowning.

He ain't damn drowning. It's three feet of water.

-What the hell? -What?

Help me! Help me!

-Oh, no, he's not even drowning. -He ain't drowning. Hell.

-Looked like he was drowning. -Acting a fool.

-Mr. Brown? -Look at him.

-Get your damn shoe. -Are you all right?

Cora! My life splashed before my eyes.

-Oh, Lord Jesus. They almost killed you. -I almost had a hearta detach.

-Well, it looked like you had fun. -I did.

You didn't splash hard enough. I wanted you to splash.

What, you want him to die?

Mm…

What?

Oh, you…

Cora, you almost lost your daddy.

-I know it. -You would've been stuck with your mama.

-That was fun, right? -No, it wasn't fun. I almost died!

Yeah! You almost killed him again.

-Yes. -It's only three feet.

Of water. That's right. He ain't drown.

Yeah, I was gonna tell you. Next time, just stand up.

-You wanna go again? -No, I don't! Get Madea to go.

Get me to go where?

-Down the slide. -You crazy. I'm not gonna do that.

Mabel, you can go down. They gonna give a prize.

What they gonna give me as a prize? A trip to heaven? Hell, no! I'm not gonna.

I'll tell you, I ain't been through a tube that little since I was born.

-I'm not gonna go through another one. -Me either.

I did that one time in Jamaica,

when I was trying to win the love of a little man with some dreadlocks.

I can't never do that no more.

So are we going again?

Mabel, go on and try.

-I'm not-- -Mabel!

Mabel, Mabel!

-Mabel, Mabel, Mabel! -Come on, let's go.

I was just lying. Now get your ass out my…

-You ain't going up there? -I knew it.

We need to go find Debrah.

Find out why Tiffany ain't got no friends here,

no bridesmaids, nothing.

That's where I'm going.

Talking about she got all this money, she won't even let the girl-- No.

-Come on, here. -Mabel, we can do that later.

-Come on. Let's go. -Next one, you're gonna cheer.

-Okay, yes. I just need to see the cards. -Yes, yes. Come on.

-Be a winner. -Yep. Yep.

-Six. -Yep!

A winner! Wow!

Winner take all. There you go.

-Let it play. -Okay.

All righty. Right now.

There's three. Okay.

-Well! -All right.

-I tell you-- -You over here winning?

Uh, no, I'm not. I'm, uh… losing.

-Yeah. -Okay.

I got an open tab, though. Yeah, I got open tab.

I just put everything on my room. It's all on my room.

Hey, I'm glad I ran into you. Uh, I need your advice on something.

Yeah, I got your advice.

Don't get married. Don't ever do it. Never do it. It ain't worth it.

Don't marry nobody ever. Don't have no kids because they all suck.

Wrap it up. Get you some condoms.

That's all the advice I got.

Get as many condoms as you can get and wrap it all up.

So her dad is your son?

Exactly what I'm saying. Exactly. Don't have no damn children.

Okay, well, we're having a bachelor party tonight.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-Bachelor party? -Yeah.

-Y'all gonna have some women there? -Hell, yeah. Lots of them.

I'm there. Ha, ha!

Tiffany wants me to invite her pops. Should I?

What the hell, boy?

No. You wanna invite the bride's daddy to the bachelor party?

You don't invite no bride's daddy to the ho-asis.

-No? -No, hell no.

Them hos'll have him running up out-- He a square anyway.

And he a little on the… side.

He is like that, huh?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-Trust me. Don't invite him. -Joe!

-Oh, hey there. -Joe!

You still over here gambling at this thing?

Oh, you still look like a seal?

You just ignorant.

You just gonna gamble everything away you got.

B.J., you and Brown need to go get dressed for this bachelor party.

-It's, uh… It's gonna be lit. -Yeah, go on.

-Y'all doing a bachelor party? -Yeah.

-You talking about when people-- -Yes!

-They be praying and stuff? -Hold on.

Is there gonna be church music being played? We can pray?

Let it ride. Yeah, there gonna be gospel.

They're gonna have all the greats. Shirley Caesar to, uh… the Clark Sisters.

-Really? -At the bachelor party.

-We gonna be praying… on that ass. -Can we do altar call?

On that ass.

Well, yeah, I'mma come.

And you, B.J.? You can come too.

Well, I don't think I should go, really. I can just go back on the water slide.

You should go. We gonna play Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

Pin the T-- What? Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

-Look at that face. He ready to go. Yes. -Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

I know you like that. Sheltered ass.

All right. Okay.

Yeah, that boy don't know nothing. Y'all go on, get dressed.

-It's starting now? -Yep.

I got a church suit. I'mma kill them with this one.

I ain't winning nothing. I ain't won a dime since I've been here.

I ain't won nothing.

Hey, uh, you know we not having that, right?

Yeah, he'll be all right. I'll see you up there.

Y'all get ready. I don't want you to ruin my luck.

I'll see you later.

Hey, let it all ride. Let it all ride. Every bit of it, let it ride.

What you got? What you got?

Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Place your bet.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I won again. I won again.

Oh, I'm killing it.

Yeah, I won again.

I won again. I won a-motherfucking-gain.

Yeah, I did. All right. I wanna bet all that on it.

Then we gonna bill some more to the room.

Ooh, baby, I like this shoe. Look at this shoe. Look at that.

It's got a bird on it, baby. I like this shoe.

-That's nice. -Back in the '70s, baby.

-Platforms. -I'll get me these pink ones.

Look at these pink ones. I want it. Y'all make this in a 22?

Ha! Mabel, if they do, they call it a ski.

-Right. -Oh, hell.

-You need to go to a boat store. -A boat s--

Y'all gonna stop with that.

Oh, well. You was blessed with big feet. That's okay.

-This shoe is expensive. -It is?

I can bill it to my room? Let me have four of these.

Oh, in pink?

Yes. Four of these in every color. Thank you.

-That's how you do it when you rich. -They better put a sale on.

When you rich? What?

-Here she is! -Ooh!

-Look at you, baby. Looking cute. -You look beautiful.

-Thank you. -Only the best for my baby.

That's beautiful. You need to let it out in the waist a bit, don't you?

No.

You ain't-- You pregnant?

No!

We trying to understand why the hell you rushing to get married.

Why is she rushing, Debrah?

I'm not rushing this. I'm just in love with him.

-Yeah. -In love with him?

-Yeah. -Mm.

Baby, how much you know about this boy?

Okay, okay, look.

She's made up her mind, so it is what it is.

Oh.

Hey, I'm so proud of you.

Who's she complimenting?

No, I'm sorry. You're proud of her. That's wonderfur.

Hey!

You sure you wanna marry this boy?

Yes. She's never been happier.

I am talking to your daughter.

-I've never been happier. -Mm.

That's what her mama just said.

-Yeah, that's what her mother said. -She sounds like a parrot.

Like she Gypsy-Rose. Doing what her mama says.

Is your name Gypsy-Rose? No, your name is Tiffany Simmons.

I just wish Dad liked him.

That ain't never gonna happen, baby.

-Forget that. -You can forget that.

-He'll never like him. He can't stand him. -At all.

-Give him time. -Cora, you're just so hopeful.

Always thinking Jesus is gonna turn everything around.

Maybe it's gonna turn around.

All that matters is that she's happy.

-Mm. -That's all.

I don't like her attitude. She working on my nerves.

Mabel, stop it.

Baby, all that matters is you happy?

Yeah, and Mom says that this is the best thing for me at this time.

-Uh-huh. And so, why she say that? -Right.

Why you keep saying what Mama say? What do you say?

Well, we're not getting any younger,

and she thinks that it's the best thing for me.

-Young people don't say that. -They don't.

They don't say they getting older at all.

I know what she said, but what do you think?

This is the right thing.

Madea, I wanted you to have that nice room

because I know how much Tiffany leans on you

and how much she trusts you, but you're not making this any easier.

Who the hell she talking to?

-Threat. -That's what it sounded like to me.

Let me explain something. I'm not no damn $2 ho.

You can't just go give me a nice room

and think I'm gonna turn around and give you everything

like I did back in '68.

And '69, and '74.

And '83.

-And '92. And '99. -Here we--

-And '21, and '22. -Here we--

-And '25. That's in the future. -Okay.

But listen, let me tell you something. You better be easy on me, baby.

-I'm not your daughter. -Okay, Madea.

I don't care. I would tear these white folks' shit up in here, baby.

-I would tear this damn store up. -Calm down, Madea.

You better watch your damn attitude when you talk to me.

Okay, Madea. That's not what I meant.

-Apologize to me! -Okay, Madea.

Say sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's the-- She--

Y'all better--Shit.

Y'all better get outta town-- Oh!

-Mabel. -I'm gonna tear all this shit up.

-Don't do that over here. -Y'all better get her.

Mabel, the police different over here.

-Yeah, calm yourself. -Shut up and calm down.

-That's right, I was locked up abroad. -You are not in your country.

I was locked up abroad.

Can we just stop?

-Okay, I love him. -Yeah.

-And I know what I'm doing. -Right.

And I'm going to marry him.

Well, that sounds like a "but," baby.

And, baby, if you got a "but," they ain't got no trust.

-She does trust him, ladies. -Okay.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, Debrah.

Stop talking for her and let her talk.

-Mm. -Okay, I do trust him.

-I do. -Mm-hm.

Y'all are stressing me out, okay? So can we just drop it?

You shouldn't marry a man you don't trust.

-Ever! -That's all we're saying.

You ain't gonna trust none of 'em. Don't do it.

That's true.

If you don't have trust in a marriage, you don't have nothing. And look at me.

When somebody break that trust, it's hard to get back.

So if you start the marriage

and ain't got no trust, what you getting married for?

How about we get you out of this dress?

-You get some rest, okay? -Yes.

-The big day is tomorrow. -Yeah.

And we'll see you guys tomorrow morning.

See ya tomorrow morn-ting too.

-Why you gotta say it so… -She's got such a damn attitude.

But she's come a long way.

I don't care where the hell she come from. Something ain't right about this at all.

All she gotta do is tell the girl every damn thing she need to do.

Well, you know, God--

Now, the Lord gonna reveal whatever needs to be revealed.

-That's true. -Well, the Lord takes too long sometimes.

You can't tell Him when to come.

Excuse me. Um, can I buy this, please? Can you put it on my room?

-For what? -For what? Can you fit it?

Bam, I have to buy two of 'em.

Buy two, sew it together. Actually, thr-- Give me four and a half of these.

I'll do all the measurements myself. Thank you.

Mabel, it's all-you-can-eat. Just get everything.

That's exactly what I'm doing. Getting everything.

And he's trying to eat every damn thing.

Mr. Brown, you gonna be sick.

Ain't nobody gonna be sick, Cora.

-That's too much food. -It ain't. Cora, hush.

-How's your room? -My room is good.

My room, too, good. I got an ocean view.

-I got an ocean view. -I can see dolphins and everything.

-I seen one swim up, bam, just like that. -Really?

I see all kinds of animals.

I'm looking at a damn animal right now.

-Oh. Uncle Joe! -Joe, you so ignorant.

Stop talking to that fool, get some food. It looks so good.

I don't want none of this. I gotta go to another part.

That's too much food on that plate.

You think you're better than us 'cause you done lost five pounds.

That's it. I'm gaining, and she's losing. That's all it is.

-You gonna eat all of that? -You damn right.

If it's free, I'm gonna eat it.

Oh, Lord. That's just too much, y'all. Y'all going too far.

Can't take y'all nowhere. Y'all don't know how to act.

I'm getting a bit of meat,

I ate too much sugar and snacks and drank too much.

-Y'all see the Frigidaires in your room? -Oh, yeah.

That little refrigerator with all the alcohol?

I drank and ate everything up in there, the first time I got here.

Five minutes, it was gone.

I sit in my bed and ate everything.

Yeah, baby. Them Snickers and Pringles had me tingling.

All you got to do if it gets empty, call and say, "Come fill this up again."

They come right up.

-That ain't how it works! -That is!

That's what I did, they came right up and refilled it.

I drank and ate it all again and they filled it up.

Four times since we've been here.

-Just call? -"Fill it up!"

-That's what I'll do. -Y'all gotta pay for that.

What are y'all talking about?

Cora, what is you talking about? Put it on the card the woman gave you.

No, it don't work like that.

Yeah, you do, 'cause it's all-you-can-eat. It's buffet.

-Come on here. I'm ready to eat. -Yeah, me too.

I need my strength

for when I'm messing around with these sexy Bahama mamas.

How you doing, baby? You doing all right? Good to see you.

-She said, "Hey, baby." -Good to see you, now.

-That's like New Orleans. -Hey!

Don't forget to get the banana pudding now.

Hey, find anything?

No, nothing at all.

Yeah, okay. All right. It's fine. Yeah, she's gonna marry him.

-Pimp coming in. -Yeah. I know it's costing me a fortune.

The thing that's costing me a fortune is what I'm looking at now.

How you doing?

Yeah, all right. All right, bye.

Oh, every time I sit down, I split these pants and I fart a little.

-Excuse me. -That's what I'm smelling.

-Yeah. -That's terrible.

Joe, you so ignorant. You ignorant.

-Hey. -Hey.

Hey, Bri.

You going to the bachelor party?

-What bachelor party? -Eh!

What?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, you didn't know?

What, he didn't tell you?

-He's having a bachelor party? -Yeah, he having a bachelor party.

-Why didn't he invite me? -You can't go! You the daddy.

What he look like, going to the bachelor party

and giving his daughter away to the man?

You can't go.

That's dumb.

He might wanna go.

I don't want her to marry him at all. I tried to talk her out of it.

She won't listen. What am I supposed to do? She's grown.

Let children make their own mistakes. This is what she want.

-Gotta let her make her own mistake. -That's right.

You know what else I learned? If you got a child

that's with somebody you don't want 'em with,

the more you against that person, the closer they become.

That's what I have learned. That's the truth.

So act like you don't care.

I know It's hard, especially when you can't stand the person,

but the more you try to come up against her,

the more they get closer. You better learn that.

All you gotta do is let her know you are there for her

so if she ever need to come home, she can come right to the house.

She always wanna feel like she has somewhere to go,

rather than you hate him so she gotta stay there with him. Awful.

Easier said than done.

I understand what you're saying. With Cora, I've been there.

Let me just tell you what you do. Get you some champagne.

They got a ton of it there, have as much as you want.

What champagne is free? What is she talking about?

Hey, Bam, listen, y'all need to go to that casino.

I lost a lot of money, but I'll make it up.

-Wait, what? -Look here.

I would've stayed all night if I didn't have to come and eat,

and get my strength to go to this bachelor party.

When you running hos, you need some strength.

Yeah, just go and play a little bit.

-I'll take this to my room. Come on, Bam. -Y'all don't want me to go?

No, you stay here.

-Jesus! -Come on.

I don't gamble usually.

Stop that lying. You gamble every day.

Y'all don't need to be gambling.

Y'all got refrigerators in there to hold all this food?

Here I come, Mabel.

I'm taking this to my room. Come on, Bam. Shit.

That's loud.

-Yeah, it's all right, though. -Yeah.

-That's how it should be in a club. -I ain't need no club.

I'm just used to church. That's the Clark Sisters.

I told you, you'll have some gospel.

I told you, then I'mma preach. I'm gonna stand right here.

-It's gonna get loud, though. You ready? -Yeah, I'm ready.

-You know what you need? -What?

A holy drink.

-What? -What kind of drink you drinking?

-Give me a soul saving grace. -What is soul saving grace?

-Ice water. -Ice water?

Ice water.

-Hey, give him that water you gave me. -Yeah.

You know, give him the water you gave me.

You gonna like this water. Go on, give it to him.

-Yeah, give me that. That's good. -Yeah. Let's toast.

Yes! Here's a toast to ice water and love.

Ice water and love. Mm-hm.

Oh, that's sweet.

-Yes. -I don't want to make my sugar go up.

It won't make your sugar go up. It'll make everything drop down.

-Really? -Yes.

I like that. That's sweet. Must be some coconut Bahama water.

Yeah, it's coconut, but it got a little extra "coco" in it.

Really? Shut up.

Yeah, it's got some coc… onut in it.

These people must be ready for church because-- You told them?

Everybody standing around looking. They just ready.

They like to have a good time. They know you was here.

They know you was here and they know you like Jesus.

-Everybody say "Amen." -Amen.

That's when I know it's church.

-You know what else we know you like? -What?

-The choir. -Shut up!

-I got an all-female choir. -Shut up!

Yes, this right here is destiny.

Oh, look at y'all.

-Yes. -Look how nice y'all looking.

But at midnight, they devilish.

-No! -That's why they in the choir.

-I'mma save all y'all. -That's right.

What's up, people?

Hey, the coast is clear.

DJ, drop that beat!

There you go. Hey, hey, hey.

Wait! What y'all doing?

-Y'all get him. Y'all get him. -No!

No! Get away!

Get away from me! No! No! No!

Help! I gotta get outta here!

Help me, Jesus!

I'm warnin' everybody Soon as I get in this party…

Get these sinners away from me!

Help! Help!

I'm in this bitch right now.

I was born free

I'll drop it like a thottie Drop it like a thottie

I said now pop it like a thottie Pop it like a thottie

You bad

Say now drop it like a thottie Drop it like a thottie

Church girls actin' loose Bad girls actin' snotty

Let it go, girl

Let it out, girl

Twirl that ass Like you came up out the South, girl

I said now drop it like a thottie Drop it like a thottie

Bad girl actin' naughty Church girl, don't hurt nobody

You could be my daddy if you want to

You could get it tatted if you want to

She ain't tryna hurt nobody

Put your lighters in the sky Fuck it up and get it litty

She gon' shake them thighs And them pretty tig ol' bitties

-Y'all winning anything? -Just place the bet.

How y'all doing?

Good to see you. Hellur, how you doing?

Bam, you text me?

Mabel, yeah, I did.

Did Joe tell you you can put everything on this card?

I've been putting every damn thing on this card.

Mabel, don't you run that boy's card up.

-What you want, baby? -Be quiet.

-You keep texting me. What is it? -Hush your mouth and listen.

-What I'm listening to? -Shh! We can go on and play.

No, I'm not staying. I'm just tired of you calling me.

Right, and like I told you, even though we're getting a divorce,

I'm still gonna do what I said for your kids.

When B.J. goes off to college, he gets a million.

B.J.? Lean forward.

Your daughter gets a million when she gets married.

But you have to stop this.

What'd he say?

We never had a prenup. I'm not giving you a dime.

-It's for your kids. -I know damn well--

It is in a trust for them to get a little bit at a time.

-Uh-uh. Wait a minute. -I love your kids.

-But look, we're done. -Mabel.

Wait, I know you.

I know you do. Ain't you Debrah's husband?

-Dennis. -The rich man.

Dennis. Uh-huh. Dennis.

-The rich one. -That's right.

Did I just hear you say you getting divorced?

That's right.

And they ain't got no prenup.

You heard that too? Now wait a minute.

And didn't I just hear you say

that these children get money when they get married and go to school?

Trying to set them up.

Even though you're getting divorced. That's really nice of you.

But that's a damn shame.

That's why she pushing this girl to get married.

Where the hell she at? Come on.

-Come on, we're going to find her. -I'm about to win this, Mabel!

I'm supposed to be here.

You're supposed to be here? No, you're not. Nobody invited you.

-No. -Yes.

No, you're not listening.

So I'm a descendant of Christopher Columbus.

I actually told his great-great-great-grandfather

how to discover The Bahamas.

So all of y'all owe me.

Shawty crunk on the floor wide open

Skeet so much They call her Billy Ocean

Roll like an 18-wheeler

That ho fine, but this ho a killer

She's leaking! She's soaking wet

She leaking! Soaking wet

Shake it like a salt shaker Shake it like a salt shaker…

Daddy.

Hey, let me tell you something, nigga.

Don't nobody call me daddy but these women.

What is wrong with you?

-Hey, Dad, I-- Daddy, listen. -What is it?

You know how hard it is for somebody my age

to pull some hos this young?

Do you know how much money I had to win at the cas--

What are you talking about?

Do you know how much money I lost at the casino? I ain't win nothing.

I need to talk to you.

I saw Zavier on the stairs talking to another woman.

They were arguing. I think something's going on.

We need to go talk to him. Come on.

What's that gotta do with me?

Go find a woman to go to the room with. You some kind of snitch?

Come on. They're down there right now.

You know what? Just stay here in all of this craziness.

I'm just gonna go tell Madea.

Don't do that! What you gonna tell Madea for?

We'll go down the back stairs. Come on.

Hold on, boy. The back stairs? All right, I'll come down the back.

Don't leave. Just keep it warm.

Worship me. Bow to me.

Excuse me. Let a king through.

Let a king through. Let a king-- Hey, somebody pinching my ass.

Go ahead now. You gonna get in trouble.

Okay, what do you want me to say?

I'm coming! Bring me around the back door.

What the hell you trying to get me to do?

Let's finish this conversation in your room.

You see, Daddy? I told you. They're cheating.

-Cheating? -Yeah. I know what's happening.

No, no. This is not what it looks like.

I heard her say, "Let's go to your room and talk."

-I heard her. -No. You see what I mean?

No, I know exactly what's going on. That's fine.

Look, son, let me give you some advice.

You gotta keep your shit on the low.

You can't have the bride daddy seeing you banging no ho.

What is wrong with you? You just trying to have a lot of drama you don't need.

But, ah, shit. I'd bang her too. Look, I get why you did it, playa.

You shouldn't go in there.

I want to see if he's keeping his promise.

What? What's going on?

That's right, we going over. I don't--

-Here we go. Right here. -What is happening right here?

I didn't wanna tell you this, baby, but I came here,

walking past, minding my own business.

I see him and this woman arguing, talking about going back to the room,

finishing their conversation, all these other things.

He's having an affair. I know it.

Hi.

-Did she just say hey to me? -Mabel-- Yeah.

I don't know her like that. Baby, I don't talk to hos.

Ooh, Mabel. And look at her. She look older than me.

Bam, come on now. You be smoking that shit.

You have funny jokes, but that ain't-- Bam, she don't look older than you.

Shut up, Joe, in a red suit.

She look prime time, ready and fine.

Dennis? What are you doing here?

Now, go on, tell her.

You ain't gonna tell her? I'll tell her. Tiffany,

the reason she is pushing you so hard to get married

is because she getting a divorce from this man and got no prenup.

He said he'd give you a million dollars and your brother a million dollars,

when he went to college and when you got married.

-And me, a million dollars. -Bam, ain't nobody--

I discovered it.

-He ain't giving nobody-- -But I discovered it.

He ain't giving no million dollars but me.

And that is the only reason she pushing you so hard.

Even picked out your dress and every damn thing.

Got you doing all of that stuff. That's awful.

Debrah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I thought you changed.

Really, Mama?

Okay, okay, now hold on. Hold on.

Baby, this is about you.

I know I haven't done a lot of good for you and your brother.

And I didn't want the divorce, but he changed his mind.

But, I-- Baby, this was about you, I swear.

This doesn't feel like this is about me.

I know, I'm sorry. I was just trying to do something good.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too.

All of you, just leave me alone. The wedding is off.

-Wait. No, Tiffany. -Tiffany, wait.

Tiffany. Tiffany!

See that, Debrah?

Good job, Debrah. That's a real good job.

-Congratulations. -Real good job.

Yeah, let her down again. I guess I'll go find my daughter

and pick up the pieces like I always have to do.

-That's why I was trying to fix it, Brian. -It's too late to try to fix it.

I was trying to fix it.

-You can't fix this with money, Madea. -That's a damn lie.

They say money don't buy happiness, but I sure would like to find out.

Give me a million dollars.

Shit, I'll show you happiness.

I know that's right.

Give me a million dollars, hell.

-Doesn't buy happiness. -It doesn't.

I guess that leaves everybody but me and you two.

Since we're all here together…

I think the Lord has done this.

And I know y'all like money,

and I have won a lot of money.

If you would like to have $2.82 per hour

for shaking that ass,

then follow this pimp.

-The pimp is waiting for the hoes. -At his age?

What?

I just came to tell you something.

I thought I could talk to you man-to-man,

but it's obvious I gotta talk to you man-to-boy.

Okay? You're pathetic.

I'm just really glad she found out now before you married her.

At least she'll have a chance to be happy.

Well, first of all, I ain't no boy.

And second of all, ain't nobody gonna make her happier than me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know how a cheater can make anybody happy.

Get outta my room.

I'm paying for the room, I get to be here.

Stop it.

Both of you.

Don't you dare.

You gonna have to be mad.

-I'm serious. -I have something to say to you.

-Kaja. -I won't be in this drama.

-I'll let y'all talk. -No, you stay.

This is my son.

-Why are you always ruin-- -Let me finish.

And he loves your daughter. Look at me.

He loves your daughter so much he didn't invite me

because he's embarrassed by me.

You know what? I'm done with this shit, man.

No, you're not. So when I found out, I just showed up anyway.

I'm out.

No, you're not going anywhere.

Now, this is a good kid.

Now, I know that I didn't raise him to be no lawyer like you, Brian.

But my son is a great kid.

And he told me all about how you judged him

and treated him before you even got a chance to know him.

He's never been in any trouble.

Hell, he's always trying to do the right thing.

I wasn't the kind of mother that baked cookies or nothing like that.

I mean, he's been in and out of foster homes,

the whole nine.

I did my best.

But I had issues.

And that's why he bonded with your daughter,

over my issues and her mother's issues.

So I'm sorry that he didn't have a father figure to show him the way.

But he is a good kid.

Now, son, I'm sorry I ruined this for you.

Yeah, you always do.

You know what? I'm out.

Oh, hey, Tiff.

-Hey, baby. -Oh, Tiff.

-Mm! -Are you all right?

-No. -You're not?

You know she not okay!

Cora, hush. We sitting in the lobby with pajamas on. Shut up.

I'm just saying, how could I be so stupid?

My mom has always done things like this ever since I was a kid.

And Zavier's mom treats him the exact same way,

does the same things to him.

Lord have mercy.

I just wanna go home.

Your daddy'd be happy to hear that, baby. 'Cause this is costing him a lot of money.

He don't make much money on that district attorney salary.

-But I love him. -You love him?

Baby, you ain't stupid for loving.

I don't care if somebody dog you out, mess.

If you love them from a pure place, that ain't stupid.

That's love. They'll get theirs.

-You just keep loving. You understand? -Yeah.

Keep getting your heart broke by people over and over,

don't let nobody change you or stop you from loving.

Keep getting your heart broke,

soon, you'll run up on a heart surgeon who know how to fix it.

Just if you keep loving. Don't give up on it.

That's right.

No, but I do really love him.

You do.

And my mom was just forcing it so hard.

-And now, I see why. -That's hard.

-Here come the mama. -I see her right there.

-I see her. -Walking slow 'cause she guilty.

I don't wanna see her now.

You don't get past nothing unless you face it.

Sometimes you gotta open your arms wide

and embrace whatever's coming at you.

-You understand? -That's true.

Especially a parent. Sometimes, you gotta say what's on your mind.

Hear what she got to say.

Tiffany… I meant what I said.

It was about you, baby.

It really was.

And when he offered that,

I just thought to myself, "Well, finally,

I can do something really great for my kids."

Debrah, what is wrong with you? That ain't you doing nothing.

-That's that man doing something for her. -I know.

But how great would that have been?

-Baby, I'd take me a million dollars-- -Mabel.

-She know better than that. -Where is he?

-Right. -I could go get it.

-Shh! -What?

-Cora, hush. Hell, we just talking. -A million? You need it.

That's what I was fighting for.

But if he wants to leave me, then just let him go.

Did.

Because all I care about is your happiness.

And then you met Zavier.

I knew you guys were gonna be so great together.

But what I did was wrong.

-It was. -Was, it was.

And I'm sorry.

Should be.

I know I made a mess of all of this.

-Did. -Did.

I'm gonna head home in the morning.

-Should. -Should.

What? What are y'all doing?

You need your ass whupped, Debrah.

I mean right now.

-Right. Doing that to that girl. -Lock the door.

Y'all need to quit.

-Hush. Okay, great. -She guilty. Shut up.

You shut up.

But, baby, you have to know how sorry I am.

Mom, I love you.

But this is just too much. It's just too much, Mom.

-I know, baby. I know. -No, Mom, stop. Please, please, stop.

All I needed was for you to show up.

-Mm! -Mm!

It was never about the money.

That's good.

-That's good right there. -Yes.

I just needed you to show up for me.

And I promise, baby, if you give me that other opportunity,

I will learn to do just that.

-I will show up for you. -Mama, no. This is too much.

First I get cheated on, and now this? I need some air.

Wait, Tiffany.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

Debrah, you need your ass whupped.

All right, look.

I have protected my daughter her whole life.

And when I saw you with her, you represented my biggest fear.

As a prosecutor, I see a lot of young Black men like you.

So you judge us all the same?

No, I don't.

I give chances.

And from time to time, I'm surprised

that some of them actually take those chances,

and do better, and turn their lives around.

Let me just tell you this. I'm no fool, man.

I know what it's like to be young and Black in this world.

I get it. To be judged by your hair, your appearance, what you look like.

I understand all of that.

And because I understand all that, I can actually say

that I'm… sorry that I did that to you.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, you going to take that attitude, look, I got one too.

To be honest, I still don't want you to marry my daughter, at all.

Honestly, I think she could do a lot better.

I could be completely wrong. I don't think I am, but I could be.

Tell you what.

Help me know that I'm wrong.

I don't owe you nothing.

Oh, no. Oh, no, my friend. You owe me everything.

-Everything? -Everything.

I'll tell you, if I'm gonna give you my daughter's hand in marriage,

you owe me the answers to every question that I ask you.

That's the only way you gonna get it.

She's all I got.

What do you wanna know?

That I own a little window tinting company?

That I used to sling dope?

That I watched my brother get killed

right in front of me?

So I got outta the game.

I started to rap, but that shit ain't going nowhere.

Look, I met your daughter,

and she saved me.

She encourages me. She keeps me on the right track.

Do you wanna know your son is helping me get my GED,

and your daughter thinks I can go to college to get my degree?

Is that what you wanna know? Huh?

That's the plan.

I never had anybody, okay?

No woman to do that kind of thing for me.

I love Tiffany with all of my heart,

and I would never hurt her.

Or let anybody hurt her, okay? So…

that's who I am.

You mean that?

Yeah, every word.

I love you.

I love you too.

-You still wanna marry me? -Oh, with my whole heart.

Sir?

"Sir"? I'm "sir" now, okay. That's better.

Can I have your daughter's hand in marriage?

Okay.

Okay.

-Come on. -Thanks, Dad.

Girl, this place so damn big, I got to walk everywhere.

Where are you going?

-Say what? -Where are you going?

I'm going to the wedding. Somewhere you ain't invited.

-She's getting married? -Yes.

No thanks to you.

Come on here, here. Come on. Come on.

I know she wouldn't really want me to be there.

Girl, just come to the wedding. You working on my nerves.

I'm ready to punch you in the face if you don't get your ass on it.

Go on ahead, up into the wedding. Hell.

Okay, okay, okay.

She looks beautiful.

Yes. Like she should be on a wedding cake or something.

Our daily bread

I know you ain't crying.

Bitch ass don't be crying about no wedding.

It's a beautiful thing, Grandpa.

And forgive us--

Cora, hush.

Go on, get married. Go on, waste your life.

The worst thing you can do is sign the paper.

We are gathered here today to join this…

-You look like a proud daddy. -I am.

But can we just go to the part where she says "I do," and kiss the bride?

We don't need the other stuff.

What's wrong with you? Shut up. They're trying to get married.

He say you don't need all that. Go on and say "kiss the bride." We tired.

You may kiss the bride.

Congratulations!

That's beautiful. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

-Wedding's over. Let's go. -Let's go home. I wanna get to Atlanta.

Come on, baby. Let's get packed. Congratulations.

They ain't even finished kissing.

-Come on, let's go. -Oh, my goodness.

Here's your bill, sir.

My what?

Your bill.

-Wait, this is a…? -That's your bill.

-This whole thing is a bill? -Yes, sir.

Ooh, look at that bill.

That's a lot.

-Lord have mercy, the bill. -That's a book.

Like a phone book.

-That's a lot. -That's a book.

He ain't going to pay with that debit card, I bet.

Who spent $43,000 at the casino?

Who spent that damn money at a casino?

Mabel, that was you spending money at a casino?

Give me $5,000 in them chips.

He's only got 20 bucks anyway. He'll be fine.

And did you spend $9,000 on porn?

Look, that girl they invited, she had me watching all that porn.

Yeah. Put it on the card!

Who went on a water slide 83 times?

-I don't wanna go! -Wait, Mr. Brown!

-83? You had five of the 83. -Nah. No, I…

Who ate $14,000 of minibar food?

Brian, I just had a little bit of stuff out that minibox.

Put it on the card!

-Another one? -That one look real expensive.

-It don't matter. -Why?

We put it on our room.

You get a meal, you get a meal, you get a meal!

I want the whole case. Christmas gifts.

I need 15 of these.

Can I get some of these glasses?

One more thing, put it on my room.

-That's awesome. -How much for this?

-How much? -Why are you screaming?

How much for this?

Put it on the card!

Hold on, man!

Put it on the card!

Come on, cuz.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, whoa.

Cora, what you mean? You couldn't get on him.

We rich!

Put it on the card!

I can't believe my dad really paid for this.

I feel like I wanna do one of them videos.

Put it on the card…

-Ooh, baby! -Put it on the card!

-Put it on the card! -Y'all check on him.

Put it on the card! Put it on the card!

Sir.

-We need CPR! -I'll see y'all in the car.

-It's "cbr." -Is that a real thing?

I got… Y'all check on him. Y'all check on him.

-Where you going? You got to help. -Get up, Brian.

-Help your daddy. -Brian, please get up.

Wait a minute.

-Stomp on him! -I can see him. He's breathing.

If you kick him in the nuts, it'll wake him up.

-At least he's breathing. -I heard that.

Move, I'm going to kick him in 'em.

-No! No! -Have y'all called 911?

I don't go in water I just go to profile

With somebody daughter

I like scuba divin'

Hey, yeah

Ah, yeah

You should know I'm a Bahamian

From The Bahamas It's the place you vacation

Slam domino every occasion

If I did it over, I wouldn't change it

'Cause this is what I like

Like

Oh, that's what I like

Like

Like, yeah

I like Rake 'N Scrape I like Junkanoo

Oh, I like Goombay Punch Oh, I like Sky Juice, yeah

I like Jonny Cake, yeah With my fish stew

But I don't eat hard head bird Dat don't make good soup, yeah

I like the beach But I don't go in water

I just go to profile With somebody daughter

I like to go diving I ain't talkin' scuba

If anybody ask me Shaunae tell me do dat

Gal, you should know I'm a Bahamian

From The Bahamas It's the place you vacation

Slam domino every occasion

If I did it over, I wouldn't change it

'Cause this is what I like

Like

Oh, that's what I like

Like

Nah, I don't eat

-Don't eat conch -Why?

That just ain't my style

I like peas and rice Macaroni on the side, oh

I from Nassau

I from Nassau, yeah

I from Nassau

I from Nassau, yeah