Original subtitles

[light music]

[rattling]

Hey, you, get the hell out of there.

[percussion music]

[truck engine starting up]

It is an honor and a privilege to present to you the

gentleman from whose generosity this center came to be.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Gardner.

Uh… I am thrilled to be part of this wonderful project, dedicated to fun…

[laughs then sniffs]

…and for the better education of children…

[sniffs]

…to developing their creativity and

artistic skills and to create for them an

atmosphere of joy and hope, a positive place for…

[sneezing]

…a positive place for a child to grow.

[sucks teeth]

Oh… Thank you.

[percussion music]

Hello, Mama? It is me, Valerie.

How are you?

Your cold, is it gone?

I am so glad.

I am great.

I am meeting wonderful people, and…

I found this really great apartment, and I am eating good.

Do not worry about me, Mama.

I have nowhere to go but up.

I give it a real good sweep, twice a day, morning and afternoon.

-[car horn] -I live right there down the street.

I have my own broom.

Ten dollars.

And I can use your bathroom to brush my teeth and clear up.

All right.

A shower?

Oh no, no, no. No shower.

Five bucks, and that is my last offer.

Seven, deal.

♪ When the moon is showing, showing ♪

♪ When the sun is glowing, glowing ♪

♪ When the wind is blowing, blowing ♪

♪ I know where I am going, going ♪

♪ Yes, baby, all the way to the top ♪

Jack, why do not you get your act together? The clock is ticking.

Now you are 30. Tomorrow, you are 65, and

what have you accomplished in the meantime?

Zilch! And why?

Because you are not willing to be a little bit commercial

just to get back in the race. Forget your impotence.

Irene, I am blocked. I have nothing left to say.

It is like the muses had gone and left no forwarding address.

For five years and three months? Get unblocked.

You are pissing away your future!

I do not mind. You know, New York is sunny.

Women do not wear too much clothing.

Is it still Beatrix?

No, no.

[scoffs] No.

I am totally over that.

Who cares? I mean why did you crawl all the way to the top to get blocked for?

I mean, write something, anything honey.

Kids are the market. Kids are dumb fucks.

Reduce yourself to writing a Disney movie.

-I do not know. -You want Beatrix back?

You write yourself a hit movie, and she'll be crawling back like the bitch she is.

I don’t want to do anything…

like, not unless it’s something simple,

meaningful, unpretentious, you know?

Like that… that girl sweeping the street over there, you know?

Look at that little miserable creature over there.

You know, there is money in worthwhile and unpretentious,

and that magazine you're publishing and financing is a waste.

Not to mention your ridiculous donations.

I mean, you are not running for president. Why donate?

I am not starving. So why not help?

Well, by my calculation, you will be starving soon, as the rate you are going.

Excuse me. Could I please have your autograph?

Oh, sure.

-Is it… -Mimi.

Mimi? OK. Is that one "m", not two? OK.

Whatever you say.

I am managing a person who wants to be a flop. This is insane.

Thank you.

[gasps]

That is mine.

And the panties too.

And the pajama

and the stockings.

Really?

Beatrix Shultz.

Need cleaning lady. Tribeca.

-Excuse me? -Sorry, what are you? A Peeping Tom?

[Jack] Yes, no, yeah, I know how quickly you get forgotten in Hollywood.

The minute I have something, we'll give you a holler.

OK, yep, no, I appreciate your interest.

[laughs]

Yeah. OK. Bye-bye.

OK, let's take

another look at you.

No, nothing.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

[stammers] Who is it?

Oh. No.

No, I am sorry. I can't make another donation.

Didn't I give you 10,000 six months ago?

Do… Do you have it in your computer?

OK. Can you… Can you take me off the list on the computer?

For the rest of the year?

Yeah, thank you.

OK. No, I just can't afford it right now.

[alarm clock ringing]

-[upbeat jazz music] -[alarm clock stops]

Next?

[in German accent] Yeah, Zah-Zah Shultz, that is me.

I can also sing and dance. I am basically very versatile.

Do want to see a little?

-♪ I go through… ♪ -[director] We will let you know.

We do have your phone number, do not we?

Yeah, but I give it to you again.

[in German] 9-1-7-7-6-7-8-9-8-5.

[director] Then that is it.

That is it? You only took my name and number.

Do not you want to see me do something?

That will come later. Thank you.

Um…

I will give this to the other actors.

[in her normal accent] Water?

[Jack] Eddie, take the day off.

If I need to go anywhere, I am going to take a taxicab.

Yeah, you sure, boss?

Do not call me boss. You are the one who wants to be a driver.

We both know who is boss here.

You got it, Jack. You know, you should get laid or something. You look pale.

I have been pale for the past five years. Maybe you should get laid.

I do, all the time… especially in this car.

What can I get you, babe?

Ah… I am going to have the usual.

Coming right up.

You are one of my heroes, you know?

I tell everybody I know you, and they are very impressed.

Oh. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[sneeze]

-Gesundheit! -[Jack] Yeah, thank you.

[in German accent] Impossible to concentrate

here, with people sneezing in the middle of the summer.

Are you going to order anything or what?

[in her normal accent] In a minute.

You can't sit here and not order for hours. It is a new millennium.

You have to order within the same calendar year as your arrival, fraulein!

How about that lovely bubbly water they catch in France

that comes in this strange green bottle with strange green label…

[inhales sharply]

What is it called?

-Perrier. -Yes!

I will have a seltzer, all right?

Waiter? I will skip the seltzer.

Fucking immigrant parasite!

One thing you should know about

New York City: it is a jungle! Dog eat dog!

I am not a dog. I am a cat. Not just a cat…

a lioness! And if this is jungle, I am at home!

[people chattering]

-[dogs barking] -[gasps]

Oh.

Oh. I am sorry. Are you all right?

[coughing]

"Never swallow, always spit." That is my motto.

Uh, I am Sparkle.

Nice to meet you, too.

I am Greta Garbonsky.

[laughing]

Nice to meet you too. Are you new on the street, or…

[Val] Yeah.

-New here altogether. -Oh.

The street is good for me, though.

Because you know, hotel rates are…

out of the question.

‎[dramatically] I know.

I have to keep moving all the time.

Got to be on the go.

[laughs]

-Bye. -Oh.

Bye.

[children laughing]

"I see you boys of summer in your ruin…"

What are you doing?

It said, prepare a monologue. I am doing Dylan Thomas with a Danish accent.

I know he was Welsh, but I prefer Danish accent because of Hamlet.

A Danish or a pretzel? At Magic Land Productions, we do not do Bob Dylan.

[light xylophone music]

Freezing my ass off…

For art.

[percussion music]

‎[percussion music fades out]

"She stood bare-assed by the sidewalk,

her short, funky hair blowing in the cool autumn breeze,

worthless creature, with no future and a questionable past.

The kind of creature that

degenerates our streets to the level of a…

Third World burg."

[sighs]

No…

I am going to write a commercial movie.

I am going to write a commercial. I am going to write a commercial shmomercial shovie.

[snoring]

[Val in Welsh accent] "Where blew a flower May a flower no more

Lift its head to the blows of the rain"

[gasps]

[Val] "Though they be mad And dead as nails

Heads of the characters Hammer through daisies

Break in the sun Till the sun breaks down

And Death shall have no dominion

And Death shall have no dominion"

This is a residential building. Get lost!

Yeah, sure…

[in German accent] Hello, this is Zah-Zah Shultz…

I am an actress. I saw the ad…

No, I am trained in most methods--

Get off this stoop! Go away!

All right, all right, calm down.

I was just getting a bite,

cooling my heels, schmoozing.

I know your type.

What is my type? Look who is talking!

You are the one looks kind of weird!

So be a little…

Humble, humble… You do not own this house, you know?

But I do.

[tape recorder clicks]

Idea for a scene, um… girl eating a slice of pizza,

talking in a strange accent, quoting Dylan Thomas…

[humming] Need rest of story…

Maybe she says, "Death shall have no dominion",

is hit by a garbage truck, falls into a trash can and croaks.

Some symbolism there, perhaps?

No.

Not Hollywood enough. Too deep.

[upbeat jazz music]

[speech teacher] In.

-Out. -[exhales]

Then you hold one nostril, breathe through

the other, and exhale through the mouth.

[inhale]

[loudly] Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

[inhale]

[softly] Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Project!

[inhale]

[loudly] Huh!

[Val inhaling]

-[loudly] Huh! -Hm.

Half an hour every day.

You have to loosen the vocal cords.

You have to start learning to speak from scratch, like a baby…

if you want to lose that French accent.

I do. Meanwhile I cover my French accent with a Swedish one.

Why?

I love Greta Garbo.

My favorite is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I will be back!"

[laughs]

Oh well. Let's continue.

[inhales]

[inhales]

Huh!

[inhale]

Huh!

[inhale]

Huh! Huh! Huh!

[percussion music]

-Can I help you? -Here to see Mrs. Shultz. I am Val.

Use the back elevator, 7J.

[jazz music]

Oh.

Um…

These letters of recommendation are very impressive.

Of course, they are all from European people.

The Baron von Opel?

The Duke of Gstaadt?

Is there a Duke of Gstaadt?

Well, never mind.

The question is, can you clean a toilet?

I certainly can.

‎[speaking German] ‎I am a wonderful toilet cleaner.

[Beatrix inhales] OK.

Let's take a ride with the devil.

Just remember, I never give anyone a second chance.

I will be home around six, so slam the door behind you, gently.

Will do.

Do not bother to steal the Renoirs.

They are insured, and they are fake.

[door closes]

[piano music]

♪ Just like I love it ♪

♪ Just like I love it ♪

♪ Shining white, shining white ♪

♪ Shining bright, shining bright ♪

[telephone ringing]

-Hello. -Beatrix, it is Jack. Um…

[sighs]

I was thinking of you.

Um, and I get all hot and sweaty

when I am thinking about your nipples.

This is not Beatrix. It is Val.

‎No sweaty nipples.

Val? Are you a relative?

Um, relatively the cleaning lady.

‎[phone beeps]

[soft piano music]

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Yeah, you too.

Who was that? Some kind of a hippie?

That cleaning lady in 7J.

Really? She was cute.

Eh. You know something, Benito, cleaning women are all the same.

They stink of detergent and garlic and sweat.

Cleaning women and cooks, you stay away from them. They do not smell good.

They do not fuck good. They embarrass you if you take them out or anything.

That is a lot of horseshit, Kareem.

And if you ask me,

I still say she was cute.

I will go jerk off in the basement. Be back in two shakes.

[laughs]

Touché.

[pants]

[pants]

Can I buy you lunch after school?

After school, I clean the classroom.

And after that?

After that, I clean the ear piercing salon and an apartment…

[sighs]

-…and a church. -And then?

And then I rehearse and go to sleep.

[sighs]

[percussion music]

[Val practicing vocal warmups] Ahhhh… ahhhh… mmmm

‎[Val continues vocal exercises]

Hey!

[Val] Mmmm…

Hey!

Hey, can you go fornicate somewhere else?

[Val] Ahhh…

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

[sighs]

‎[exhales strongly] Enough for tonight.

[soft piano music]

[water running]

[groaning]

-Ready? -Yeah, I will have the special.

Mashed potatoes or fries?

Fries.

Will there be anything else?

Can you take that back and bring me a new order of French Fries please?

Why? Because you are French?

No. Because I saw a live insect in there.

Oh my God. I am terribly sorry, madam. I will be right back.

New fries!

[sighs]

You are very hot, aren't you?

Oh my God. It is like a steam room in there.

Plus, you know something? I am really hot naturally.

‎-I am like a stove. ‎-[bell ringing]

I will get your fries now.

Thank you.

Hey, got you another order of Coke. It is on the house.

[whispering] You could have got me fired.

What is your name?

Edna.

I am Val. It is short for Valnerable, not for Valerie.

Vulnerable is spelled with a "u". Anything else you need to know?

Hm… Give me the check.

It comes to 9.29 plus tax.

I guess with the insect and shit, I do not get a tip, huh?

[sniffs]

No, sure you do.

OK, $10.58, with tax.

[serious saxophone music]

[Edna] You know what, forget it…

No. Keep the change.

Oh wow, thanks, gee.

Hey, I have a good idea.

Why do not you give me your phone number, so

that way if I have a poetry reading or

something then, you know, I could give you a call.

Cool.

[Edna] ♪ I sweat too much, I know it ♪

♪ If you want my juice, just squeeze me ♪

♪ It comes pouring all at once ♪

♪ My perfume is mandatory ♪

♪ From my nose down to my toes ♪

♪ I do not need an Eskimo to remind me ♪

♪ That I am naturally hot! ♪

[gasps]

[sighs]

Now, where were we?

[mobile phone ringing]

Hello?

[in German accent] What?

Oh, nein, nein…

I will meet you on the corner

from mein house, in… thirty minuten.

Excuse me, do you mind if I use the ladies room?

Sure.

Thank you.

[jazz music]

[jazz music continues]

"A cellphone rings, shattering the silence, ‎the

girl inside her sleeping bags ‎awakes at once…"

Robert De Niro comes here a lot.

[in German accent] Really? You are not shitting me, are you?

Oh, no.

I loved The Schweggen Holfer.

It is Scweggen Holfer.

Oh. I mean the Deer Hunter.

Deer Hunter, yes, that was a great flick. Bobby's a good friend of mine.

Can I get you another drink?

[in German accent] Nein, thank you so much.

I have to get up in the morning.

Nora's nights are hard to bear…

I love you, baby. I love you, I love you, I love you!

I want to have your baby, now!

[gasps]

It the only thing I live for.

May I disrobe?

[gasp]

Touch my heart, please, my darling,

see how I shake inside.

How you know, I love this part of Nora.

[gasps]

I think I can do it so well if I get this chance.

It is not easy going with an unknown.

It is risky.

But I love risky things.

Every great star was once unknown waitress.

I really have to go now.

I will at least walk you to the house.

This is really not necessary.

I know it is not necessary, but I'd like to be a gentleman. It is the least I can do…

is walk you home.

[soft piano music]

Good evening, ma'am.

You look wonderful tonight, as usual.

Thank you.

Benito is always at your service.

Benito, good night.

Good night.

Aren't you a director of karate films?

I saw you on a talk show on some cable TV station, a sex channel.

No, no, no, no. I do big Hollywood dramas, like

Gone with the Wind, The Sound of Music, more updated.

Romantic comedies.

I can get you a picture and resume.

I was the kick boxing welterweight champion of Thessaloniki.

Easy, take it easy.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Didn't I ask you not to sit on this stoop?

What is your problem?

I will tell you. I do not like drugged-out hookers sitting on my steps.

Oh, I see. Why not?

Look, I am not going to have this discussion with you.

You want me to call the cops, I will do it, gladly.

"Gladly."

Why the joy?

Why do not you call the cops sadly?

After all, they'd be taking me to jail.

I am going, I am going, all right.

[mobile phone ringing]

Hello? Who?

[in German accent] Yeah, this is Zah-Zah.

Can I call you back? I am in the middle of something here.

[laughs]

Oh. Yes, let me have it.

Got it. Thank you. See you later, alligator. Okey dokey. Tschüss.

You want the rest of this water? It is fresh. No?

So long.

And do me a favor.

Do not come sneaking back to sleep underneath my window at night.

This is not a hotel for homeless people.

You should get a job or a sublet or something,

maybe something with a bathroom, so you do not

have to pee in my flowers in the middle of the night.

So you could take a shower once in a while without stinking up the whole street.

May… Oh… Maybe, just do not come back to this stoop!

You really think I am a hooker? Is that what your problem is?

No. No, no. No.

I know what you are.

You are an actress, which is worse.

You put on some weird accent and some trashy

clothes, and you think the next thing you are

going to become is a ‎hotshot movie star overnight.

Well you know what? Forget it honey, cecause it doesn't happen.

The next thing you will become is a hooker, no matter how

many copies of Ulysses or Long Day's Journey into Fucking

Night you keep in that shitty little sleeping-bag of yours.

You are a mean person. You have no right to talk to me like that!

You know what? Fuck off! Because I had a rough childhood too.

[grunting]

[thud]

Mama?

[Jack] Afraid not.

What happened?

Think you fainted.

[sighs]

What happened to my clothes?

Well, I took them off.

You took off my clothes?

I had to.

You had to? Why? Who forced you to take my damn clothes off?

[stammering] I wanted you to able to breathe.

I didn't know what was wrong with you.

What did you do?

What did you do to me?

I did nothing to you!

I mean, I took you into my house.

Maybe I am the one who should call the cops.

I have to check if I am still virgin.

[scoffs] Please.

This is a pretty messed up apartment.

What happened to you? Your wife threw you out?

Your sleeping bag is by the door.

I see it.

Why do you work so hard at something that is so meaningless?

Being an actress.

I mean, it is not like you are curing cancer or something.

I have promised my mother that I will be

a star, that she'll be able to see every

night, in the sky, even when she is dead.

You see, my mother never left our village in France.

She couldn't read or write.

Movies were her only entertainment.

She always told me that she would live, through me.

Oh, I get it.

You were looking for needle marks.

You checked my arms and my legs, right?

So, what did you find, Sherlock?

Nothing.

I mean, you could put on a few pounds, but…

No kidding. You make me sick, you know.

You wimpy, limpy, weirdo.

You know, why do not you just go?

Love to.

I am going, all right?

Does… Does this happen to you often?

No. This was a first.

Well… Um… If you…

I mean, if you need a couple dollars, just to get you through the day.

Here. Here, put it in your pocket.

If you haven't gotten what you wanted out of

me by now, mister, you are never going to get it.

You had your chance when I was in a coma.

You know what… Fuck it, forget it!

And good luck, with the rest of your worthless little life.

Thank you.

Merde! Motherfucker.

[door slamming]

And my wife did throw me out, not before she

took up with some real estate guy from New Jersey.

He got my apartment in Tribeca and everything.

And I thought we had something going on forever.

I never figured her for the super ambitious, ballbusting, arrogant,

uh… nymphomaniac that she turned out to be.

I mean, that just shows you how fucking smart I am.

[door slamming]

And thank you for your interest in my heartaches!

[glass shattering]

[air boxing]

She represents everything I despise. She's…

a pushy, common, irrationally optimistic,

unhygienic, unprofessional, too young.

She is always smiling, but in like a…

A… A beautiful, funny smile, but meaningless.

She is smart but in…

impractical ways.

She is irritatingly chipper, but…

She doesn't sound so terrible, Jack.

Well, it is because I am not describing her correctly. Um…

She is not like any other woman I have met before.

No, you know what? Actually, the result would be the same.

She would break my heart, and nothing would come of it.

Can I help you?

Excuse me, Ms.?

[in German accent] You decided not to give me the part of Nora?

It was a tough call.

You got someone really famous?

No, in the end, we decided to go with someone relatively unknown.

She is done a couple of films, three porno flicks in Ottawa.

[in German accent] Then why?

Truthfully? She gives terrific blowjobs.

[in German accent] What is blowjob?

Is it the same as nose job?

[scoff] No.

We signed her this morning.

But look, Val, I am sure there's some small but exciting part

that I can dig up.

Just be a little nicer to me.

‎[tapping on keyboard]

[inhale]

"Black screen as night turns into dawn. Hard Cut.

50 fighter jets appear over the skyline of Manhattan.

A thundering of jets overhead turns into the horrible sound of bombs exploding,

buildings collapsing, people screaming.

Hard Cut. Johnny and Brenda make love in his bedroom.

She is the most beautiful girl in the world.

He is virile and masculine, scarred by his many previous combat experiences…

'I will always love you, Johnny', she murmurs.

Her neck splashes wide open from a direct mortar hit.

The radio on the floor suddenly starts playing 'Only the Good Die Young',

finally bringing Johnny out of his sleep.

He sits up on the bed, and then the whole room explodes around him,

giving him a split-second to duck out the window,

20 stories high."

[sigh]

So far, so good.

Hey.

How can I help you?

Ah…

-Do you… -The roses are beautiful.

‎The red ones, fresh. You like?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I like.

Let me get them for you.

-Oh, no, no. -Anything else?

No. Uh, no. No, thank you.

For you, twenty-five bucks.

OK, all right, sure.

Actually, you… you know the girl that

used to sweep for you around here?

Ah… French accent…

She disappeared. I know other sweeps if you are interested.

-No. -Not as cute, not as cheap.

Not nearly as cute.

All right.

Hi, excuse me.

[Sparkle] You want to go on a date?

Oh, no, no, no. Did you, have you by any chance seen,

there's a girl that sleeps on the corner on Tenth Street?

Oh yeah, actually, I know her.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

-You seen her lately, by any chance? -No.

OK, all right, thanks a lot.

Wh… Why?

You… You like her better than me or something?

Oh, no, no. [laughs]

It is like a work thing, so… thank you.

[giggles]

Oh, Val, still here?

Oh, I was just about done. I will be out in five minutes.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

[sighs] You can't keep calling here like this, baby.

I… no… I… It is been five years, and…

[sighs] I got company.

Get a life, honey. I'm… you know…

[sighs]

Get another wife, write another screenplay.

OK, bye.

Um…

Do you want something to…

drink, Luke?

Hm… Maybe a touch of Scotch.

Oh yes, me too with a twist of lime, please.

Um… I mean, I will get it.

How do you take it?

Ice, no water.

This is quite outrageous.

Your job, Val, is to clean my apartment, not receive my guests.

Now, please leave. It was four hours, right?

-Look, Beatrix-- -Ms. Shultz. Ms. Shultz to you.

Baron von Opel has never heard of you. I called Germany.

Ms. Shultz is fine.

I need this job, honestly.

Well, that is tough, cecause you just lost it.

Now get out.

Now, was that necessary? She didn't mean anything bad.

Listen, Luke, I expect you to back

me up. I expect you to give me support.

I mean, I do not expect you, for instance, to…

flirt with the help or contradict me when I try to put them in their place.

Take it easy, all right?

You are flying a little bit off the handle here.

You thought she was sexy, didn't you?

Goodbye, Benito. Thanks for everything.

Oh, not at all. I will see you next week, Val.

I do not think so.

I have been kicked out on my ass.

Bye.

Wait a minute!

[whistling]

You have a good day, ma'am.

Come and see us sometime.

[jazz music]

Faster! Faster!

-Wait! -Can't hear you!

We have things to discuss!

-What? -We have things to discuss!

My name is Jack Gardner.

[Jack] Meanwhile, I have been writing a manuscript around you.

Fish out of water, but you know, like with a sunny disposition.

What do you want, Jack?

Well, I need more material.

Where do you come from? Who are you?

I am French.

I come from a small town.

It is really more like a village,

and my family has lived there for generations,

but I had dreams.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on one second. Let me actually…

Let me write this down.

Yeah.

OK.

Small town…

French… [laughs]

Dreams…

I have no time to waste.

I came here to do something, not to be joke material for you.

Wait, wait, wait! No, no, wait. No, look, you have just started. Look, I need more!

Oh, I see.

What?

You are in love with me.

You follow me around all the time. You write notes about me.

You insult me. You kick me away. You go looking for me.

You love me.

You are crazy.

Really?

You love me.

That is not true.

I love my ex-wife.

Good.

Because I can't stand you! So fuck off! I had a rough childhood too!

"Once

When the night opened her thighs

And swallowed me, like a canary

I felt pierced

By the complicity of the stars

Once

When I stepped on a bug by

accident I was thrilled By

the blue,

[black Iridescence of insect death" sniffs]

Well, I spent a good

chunk of time in jail,

six years, for armed robbery.

And I was in this jail cell with five other

guys because nobody noticed I was a girl.

[laughs] And at that point, I wasn't about to tell them.

[laughs]

That is when they put me in a psychiatric ward for a month for observation.

Afterwards, they released me into the Commonwealth of Los Angeles.

Anyhow,

while I was there, I developed a major crush on this cute little nurse, who…

[sniff]

…as it turned out, was illiterate and had a blond mustache she called Fred.

Anyhow, I was writing her all these love poems, and

somehow, these poems found their way to the Psychotic

Weekly, and that, in a nutshell, is how I got started.

Shut up already and go fucky-fucky elsewhere!

-[others laugh] -Hey, go fucky-fucky yourself.

‎Philistines.

Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.

[jazz music]

[sighs]

No, no, I just finished the opening sequence.

Like, twenty pages.

Good stuff, yeah.

[singing to herself]

[coughing]

Hey, you know what? I get these bacterial things on my ass.

They are really hard to get rid of, especially in the summertime.

Hm…

Hey, so is everything all right?

-Great. -Yeah?

Are you sure it is OK?

Yeah, you know what? I could use somebody to split the rent with.

So how much can you handle? Like five hundred a month?

Um… Two hundred? Two… Two hundred?

Twenty?

Done. OK.

[Edna moaning] Yes. Yes. Ah…

-Take me home, big boy! -[Val] Ah…

[Edna] Mamma wants it now.

[clears throat]

Hello? Hello?

[Edna] Oh, yes, yes. Oh, baby, yes!

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck the fuck out of me, Mr. Rudolph!

[moaning]

Oh, fuck me.

[Edna] Val? Is that you?

Yeah.

[Edna] Oh, I am sorry I disturbed you.

Can you come here for a minute?

No, no, I am fine.

[Edna] Val… Val, please.

There's no one here. I, um…

I talk in my sleep.

Like, I think that someone is screwing me, and then I start to scream.

You are not going to leave me, are you?

No, are you kidding?

You can talk in your dreams all you want. I do not care.

All I care about is getting a break.

Oh, I see.

Hello.

Val, how are you?

I am all right. And you, Sparkle?

Uh… same old, same old. You know, different day, same shit.

[laughs]

What is the name of the dog?

Knish.

[whispering]

Um, Val… so you're a struggling actress, too, right?

Mm.

-Ah, well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am. -Yeah.

Hi.

Sister girl.

Have you gotten any acting gigs yet?

Not a whole bunch, but…

-Not really. Oh! -[dog whimpering]

But I will… Oh, sorry, Knish.

It is OK.

Cecause we are really interested in acting.

I… we are.

[Val] OK.

[soft piano music]

[singing sing-song in Chinese accent]

You sure you did this before?

[Val keeps singing]

[in Chinese accent] Yeah, I good Chinese cook.

[director] Substantial portions of the film be will

played with some nudity on the part of Bridget.

How much nudity?

Frontal and back.

Are you kidding?

Not at all. All great actresses do nudity these days.

That is not true.

It started decades ago. Barbra Streisand, Meryl Streep,

Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts. They all started as porn actresses.

Never. This is a monologue,

She's… she is in the kitchen

by herself, doing the dishes.

Naked! Look, Art, can we get the next actress in here please?

Let's talk privately, Val.

I knew you when your name was still Zah-Zah.

-I can explain that. -That is not my point.

My point is, this is a tough racket.

Someone offers you an opportunity, you grab it.

All you need is one good part in a hit movie, you can write your own ticket.

Tell them all to go screw themselves.

But until that time,

you kiss anybody's feet and say "thank you".

She was 92 when she kicked the bucket,

16 years ago, my grandmother Sefka.

[inhales]

But I still remember her as if it was yesterday.

Cupcakes… [laughs]

…was her nickname in her youth

because she wore a size D-8 brassiere

and was the favorite pin-up girl of Air Force pilots

from her hometown in Lincoln, Illinois,

when they went on their bombing missions in World War II,

across the Atlantic.

They had her image before their eyes

when they bombed the Fuehrer in the bunker.

[upbeat jazz music]

[Val] Esmeralda! Esmeralda!

Esmeralda! Esmeralda! Where are you?

Woah, hey, hey, Val. Woah, sorry.

Hey, um…

I wanted to tell you…

Well, first of all, I do not love you.

That was a ridiculous and arrogant statement for you to make.

-So, secondly… -I have no time!

Don't. Wait, wait. Sorry. Sorry.

I keep touching your hunch, um…

My point is, is that you, you do have something.

Um… What that is or how it can possibly be useful, I do not know,

but you should stick with it,

no matter what.

Anything else?

No.

[people chattering]

You fired.

I am fired. Why?

Because you late.

I am late because I had an audition for The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Did you get it?

No. I wasn't hunched enough.

I sorry. You nice girl. But you still fired.

Why?

Because customer complain. Egg roll too mushy.

Shit.

This is not exactly the script we talked about.

This isn't exactly the grand epic of the

destruction and resurrection of New York, is it?

Or did I blink?

Very well…

[clears throat] Well, I, uh…

[mumbling] But I thought that…

[laughs loudly]

I love it! It is funny!

It is brilliant! It is better than the destruction of New York by aliens.

When did you suddenly become such a romantic?

[laughs] Oh, no, it is nothing like that.

Do you remember when we first met, Jack?

I was still in my 30's, and you were, what, a high school kid?

I knew you had it in you.

Didn't I?

-[gulps] -Didn't I?

Yeah. [laughs]

Tooto nono shmono productivimo fuckivimo.

Oh my God.

I love la bellesimo Español so much.

It just gets me wet every time. Vino?

-Si? -Si.

[sniffs]

Oh. Sorry.

[laughs] You can just lick that off the table if you want.

[laughs]

[soft jazz music]

"Once, when the canary opened her legs

Spread her thighs, she felt pierced By the

erection of the stars" [laughs] God, Ms. Raunchy.

"She felt pierced, she felt

pierced She felt pierced by that star

She said, 'Hey, come on, daddy Give me

your cigar'" [Val & Edna] "Come on,

give me your cigar" "She said, 'Hey,

hunky daddy I will be waiting in the

car Hey, hunky daddy I will be waiting

in the car''' "Come on, give me your

[cigar" -[Edna] Woo! -[Val] "Just give me your cigar" laughing]

Oh my God. You are one crazy chick.

That was fun.

Oh my God.

I have to go to bed.

Yeah. Let's, let's, let's, let's…

[muffled words]

[exhales]

We both had too much to drink.

Um, I'll, ah, hit the bathroom.

Yeah, well, OK. Do not hit it too hard.

It is not you. It is me. I all of a sudden turned gay.

[sniffs]

[exhales]

Have been here three weeks and…

I haven't gotten anywhere.

This is not going to work.

Thanks for everything.

[door closes]

Time to go, dear.

Time to go.

Park closes at dusk.

[executive] This material looks very promising.

‎[coughs]

And the girl is hysterical.

And once you have the book deal and the

paperback, we can start talking concretely about the film.

Nuts and bolts.

It can be a powerful vehicle for one of our upcoming stars.

I flew here from the Coast, Mr. Gardner.

That shows you we are plenty interested.

Your previous screenplay was such a jewel.

So, what have you been doing with yourself?

Hey, none of my business. An artist can be a recluse, a faggot, whatever.

All geniuses are lunatics, right?

[laughs]

This is the story of Cinderella

and her two step-sisters,

who were mean to her

because they were jealous.

[giggling]

Oops, I dropped something.

-Yeah, me too. -Clean it up.

[giggling]

Cinderella, where'd you get that ugly dress?

[Sparkle] Yeah, you look so ugly.

[hooker] Yeah, and stupid too.

[giggling]

What is your problem Cinderella, do you hear me?

-Hm? -Huh?

Cinderella tried to hide from them.

-Hey, Cinderella! -Come back here.

They are after me. Where should I go?

That way!

Thank you.

And she dreamed of a happy and glorious future

when the clouds are gone and the sun is glowing,

when her handsome prince would come.

[applause]

You two were really wonderful.

[laughs]

It is a tough gig for zero bucks.

Usually I prefer like Shakespeare, you know, or like Bertold Brecht.

But…

thanks for getting us the chance, Val. It was really fun!

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Bye.

[sighs]

I thought there would be critics.

I thought there would be somebody.

[shouts] Where are you?

[jazz music]

Sit down now.

Thank you for coming.

Some Schnapps?

OK.

[sighs]

I am sorry about the way I fired you when we last met.

The truth is I was going through a bit of a personal crisis at the time.

That is all right. I have no bad feelings if you don't.

My ex-husband is a lunatic…

But what a mind.

He still calls all the time to talk about my nipple.

He publishes this paper. Jack Gardner?

Jack Gardner?

Yeah.

The one you are having an affair with. My ex.

An affair? No.

I just used to live there on the street, by his house, in his garden.

He threw me out.

Oh.

Well, that is reassuring.

My apartment has been a mess for past three months, and I

want it clean, like it was when you were here, so, if you

will go back to toilet licking and vacuuming the floors,

then you have got yourself a job for fifteen bucks an hour.

Sounds great.

I do not actually lick the toilet, but I get it clean.

Hey.

-Hello, Jack. -Hey.

Ah… May I come in?

[gasps]

‎[moaning]

Sorry I couldn't do it.

I… enjoyed it. It was good for me. I…

I do not mind oral sex or whatever, manually.

There are a lot of ways to deal with…

Anyway, I…

I am much more open-minded than you think.

And I have changed, Jack, really.

You realize over time that life doesn't

always play in bright colors and blinding lights.

I… I can accept that.

Beatrix,

I still want my life to play in…

bright colors and blinding lights.

[scoffs]

What are you saying, Jack?

What about us?

Maybe it is not meant to be.

Strange.

I feel free of you now.

I feel totally lost.

[sighs]

This place is a mess.

-[rock hits window] -Hey, you!

Yes?

I saw the dog snack and the pillow.

No, no, no. That was gourmet food from Balducci's.

That was a Tiffany Taylor pillow.

That pillow came over on the Mayflower.

That is… the only pillow I can sleep on. That is my pillow.

I do not want to be like you.

You are a cynical, bitter, mean…

You do not like yourself. You do not like life.

You are nasty to me.

You are the last person in the world I want to be with.

You have nothing to offer.

Yeah, well, that is not true. I have a lot to offer.

Like what?

Giving up on life?

Beating on weak people? I will be a big star, and you will be nothing.

-[neighbor 1] Come on, shut up! -[neighbor 2] Yeah!

[neighbor 1] Keep it down, shut up!

-We are trying to sleep. -Wait a second. I am coming down.

No, I came to tell you that it is over. Forget it.

Here's the thing. I do not know how you are going to put the movie together,

but there is an article in here that says

you have the right to change, alter, hire additional writers, et cetera.

Well, for two mil plus ten points, yeah, I would say…

It says here that, uh… "after consultation with writer."

[Jack] Yeah, well… what if we do not agree?

Well,

then they have final say. That is industry standard.

Yeah, see,

I have very specific ideas about this movie,

industry standard or not.

-Sign the contract. -OK.

‎-No arguments. ‎-Why?

Because we want the money!

You need it as same as me. And you need your career back.

I don’t like this.

It makes me angry.

I want final say on the lead actress.

It is a great part.

She pees on the flowers. She talks funny.

They'll get you a sensitive director and a top Hollywood actress. A star!

It is not right for a star.

Look, she is 23. She is fresh. She is hopeful.

I mean, the whole point is she hasn't been corrupted.

‎I mean, maybe she never will be.

It needs a fresh face. It needs…

It needs this one particular actress.

What actress?

Valerie Chipzik.

You walk one step, you are a dead man, Jack.

You are agentless. You will never be hired for anything ever again.

[shushing]

I will forego my fee.

I will forego my points. Everything except for your ten percent.

Talk them into it.

You are good at that.

They'll never go for it.

Or maybe they will.

I am good.

Look at you. You are kind of famous.

What you need, Val, you need management.

Where are you going?

I am going to tender my resignation at all my various places of employment,

and I am going to come back here, and I am going to be your manager.

Come on, come on, come on.

Look, sweetheart, it is going to be strictly business, no romance.

You always read these stories about how those

pretty girls just get discovered one day by

wearing a tight sweater in a drug store or something.

But who discovers them? Big producers go to drug-stores?

I do not see why not. I mean, they have to buy condoms, et cetera, et cetera.

Why not? They have servants doing that.

There's something I have been meaning to tell you.

I do not want to hear it.

It has to do with your career.

Save it.

No, this may be actually important.

Look, Edna, I have listened to you long enough.

You are a crazy person. All you talk is nonsense.

It doesn't add up, but it is not even funny anymore.

I came to New York with high hopes.

High fucking hopes.

And if this is all this city has to offer

me, the company of a lesbo-psychopath like

you, then I am going back to France gladly,

and thank my stars every minute that I can

be a cocktail waitress and get some tips in peace!

What did you want to tell me?

That woman sitting over there, at that table over there…

She is a very big agent.

Great, good for her.

Do you have a vacancy for a waitress here?

I am clean and organized and well mannered. I am calm.

I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but I am very calm.

I just need to make a few dollars to buy a bus ticket back home.

I do not mind long hours. I come first and leave last, vacuum

the floor, wash the dishes, whatever you need. Blowjobs, no.

Oh. We are not hiring at the moment.

We are going through a slow period right now.

Yeah, me too. Well, I will do one blowjob a week, with a condom, and no emotions.

That is my last offer.

[Irene] Excuse me, Ms.?

Talking to me?

Yes, what is your name?

Chipzik.

Chipzik? Are you sure?

[Val, in German accent] I am very, very excited. I am so…

How shall I put it? Kaput mit exhiliration.

Knock it off, sweetheart.

The German accent already killed your career once. Do not you ever learn?

It was Swedish.

Let's have a toast.

I have a script here from one of the world's legendary writers.

It is a great script.

It is a long shot because you are an

unknown, ‎but I think it fits you like a glove.

I draw my inspiration from Albert Einstein's General Theory of Relativity.

There are no absolutes in the world except for Absolut vodka.

The rest is subjective and totally dependent on the energy you put into it.

[Edna] Let's go.

["Empty Promises" playing] ♪ I can dream, I can fly ♪

♪ I can still touch the sky ♪

♪ When it seems I might fall down ♪

♪ When it seems no one's around ♪

♪ To pick me up ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ But my life's not complete ♪

♪ With no one to share ♪

♪ Though my heart is full ♪

‎♪ ‎Of hope‎ ♪

Oh… Ah…

[TV presenter] And the winner is… Valerie Chipzik.

-[grunting] -[crowd applauses]

I want to thank New York and

America for giving me this opportunity.

God! Oh, baby you did it!

[laughs]

Thank you.

-Oh yeah, that was good. -Oh yeah, yeah.

[Sparkle] That is my best friend!

Is that really your best friend?

Yeah.

Then I guess a menage a trois is out of the question.

[light music]

[Jack] So she wins the Academy Award, becomes

a big, gigantic star overnight, and that is that.

Film won best picture. My screenplay wasn't even nominated.

I got paid nothing. And that's the last I ever heard from Val Chipzik.

Now, do I feel hurt?

No, life is meaningless,

‎and that is a conclusion ‎that I have reached a long time ago.

[knocking]

May I come in?

Yes.

What is this?

Those are things I wrote over the years.

I never really showed them to anybody.

They were for big Hollywood projects.

I had expected more of myself.

I was 17 when I wrote My Life as a Boy.

It became such a big success I thought I must have done something really great.

You did.

No, I told the world how…

my father didn't love my mother and how she

hung herself after shooting him twice in the head.

[Val] I saw the movie. It was…

Outstanding.

So, what are you up to now?

Biding my time, waiting for

the post Academy Award offers.

Oh yeah? That is smart, I guess.

What do you want, Jack?

Well…

it feels strange now.

Well, you were my inspiration, so…

I have to ask myself, will I always have to

be shaken up for a limited amount of time in

order to write a screenplay that sells popcorn?

Then go back to being my dreary old self.

Well, I am glad you can sleep in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and the Plaza.

[laughs] I guess it gets pretty cold outside in the wintertime.

I am not the Plaza type. And I hate LA.

Goodbye, Jack.

You did so much for me.

More than anyone else, ever.

I was just doing what was good for my career.

But you never told me.

Told you what?

That you love me.

Well, that is not an easy thing to say.

So long, Jack.

Bye, Chipzik.

[sad music]

[Val] Hello, Mother?

This is me, Valerie.

I just wanted to let you know that I finally did make it.

The role I play is somebody very much like myself.

How is your cold, Mother?

You have to take better care of yourself.

Yes, you do sound much better, but even

so, you mustn't go out at night, because

you can get a chill without even knowing it.

I just want you to take better care of yourself.

Do it for me, Mama.

I am fine. I am fine.

Sometimes, at night, I sit outside,

look at the sky and think about you.

-I have nowhere to go but up. -[hang up]

But I wouldn't be anything without you.

I couldn't sleep.

Neither could I.

May I?

[mouthing] Yup.

I always wondered what was so special about this garden.

[sighs]

Do not expect too much.

But I expect everything.

[percussion music]

♪ Shouting at the moon ♪

♪ Oo, wa, oo, wa ♪

♪ Breathless ♪

♪ Knocking at my door ♪

♪ Chicka chicka ♪

♪ Who is there? Who cares? ♪

♪ Not us ♪

♪ I am the kind of girl who brought you ♪

♪ From Paris to Mars ♪

♪ Now we are weightless ♪

♪ Living large among the stars ♪

♪ Now, I do not give a damn ♪

♪ Shoolywoc, shoo wa ♪

♪ Do not need no Joe or Sal or Bruce ♪

♪ Lee ♪

♪ Willis ♪

♪ I said my name is Sparkle And I am here to say ♪

♪ That that is what I do In my own kind of way ♪

♪ I can shine like a star On the street or on my back ♪

♪ And any which way I said I am getting paid, Jack ♪

♪ Now, I do not need a man To get ahead in this life ♪

♪ Cecause I do not want to be Some pencil pusher's little wife ♪

♪ I am writing my book And I am turning the page ♪

♪ What you see is what you get A constellation on stage ♪

♪ Sparkle on ♪

♪ Do not bless us with your kiss ♪

♪ Shoolywoc, shoo wa ♪

♪ Just close your eyes And watch as we just live far away ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Hearts are on fire ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Dressed for a dream ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Lose and grieve ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Far apart ♪

♪ Shoolywoc ♪

♪ Still can breathe ♪

♪ Shoo wa ♪

["Empty Promises" by Vanessa Thomas playing]

‎♪ ‎I can dream, I can try‎ ♪

♪ I can feel, I can cry ♪

♪ When it seems things will not work out ♪

♪ When it seems life is a lie ♪

♪ Empty promises ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ I can dream, I can fly ♪

♪ I can still touch the sky ♪

♪ When it seems I might fall down ♪

♪ When it seems no one's around ♪

♪ To pick me up ♪

♪ I can dream ♪

♪ And think of you ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream it too ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ But my life's not complete ♪

♪ With no one to share ♪

♪ Though my heart is full ♪

♪ Of hope ♪