Original subtitles

Hello?

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing, Ralph?

Are you like trying to peep on us?

No, no, no, no of course not.

Wait, wait, wait. You're not a narc, are ya?

'Cause you kinda look like five oh.

Narc, I'm afraid I do not...

Uh, what are you doing? Checking you out for a wire.

Oh, I can assure you, I'm not a narcotics officer.

I'm here to answer your ad.

Dude, why didn't you say something?

Well, is the room still open?

It's 40 bucks a week.

Is that cool?

Good times, bro.

Consider yourself a roomie.

Thank you.

Yeah yeah, I mean this is all good, this is all you.

This kingdom, this castle.

You are officially a part of the experience, bro.

Yes, well, it's splendid.

Isn't it?

Let me give you the guided tour.

Come on.

You gotta check this out.

This is my favorite part.

Check out this kitchen.

This is where we make all our delectable treats.

Brownies, cookies, et cetera.

Nice.

Bach Bach!

Bach bro!

Bach, we got a new roomie, bro.

Alistair.

Alistair MacDowell.

All right.

Call me Bachman, man.

Like the Roman God of partying,

I'm always down for a good bash.

Uh, Bachman?

Oh, I believe you mean Bachus, the God of wine and revelry.

The Greeks earlier called him Dionysus,

and interestingly enough, there's a-

Cool, cool.

Welcome to the pad, Al.

Actually, I prefer Alistair.

Al, you can crash over here, bro.

Uh, I understood that I'd be renting my own room.

Bro.

This is your own room.

Room is in space.

This is your space, all your space.

Hey, because I'm a nice guy,

I'm even gonna throw in a mattress.

Just like five bucks extra.

Peanuts.

Brett, you gotta meet Al.

He's our new roomie, bro.

Alistair.

Right.

Dude.

"Revenge of the Nerds 12" just called.

They're looking for extras.

I beg your pardon.

Take a look at this getup.

Hell, all you're missing is a pocket protector

and a protraction.

Well, I have to keep up the appearances for the ladies.

Good luck with that, buddy.

First you might wanna hit the gym.

Do a few curls, rock the crunches.

Pack on the proteins.

You do know what red meat is?

Actually, studies on red meat have found

a carcinogen-

Aw, carcinogens, sminogens.

I mean seriously, look at you, dude.

These arms are dead twigs.

Gotta stay strong, Al, he's just been in a sour mood.

Yeah, I don't mean anything by it.

It's just, you know.

I'm just saying.

You wanna score.

Get with chicks.

Yeah, you gotta work out some.

Check me out.

I never have a problem with ladies.

Chicks dig the long ball.

Touch them all, Brett.

Touch them all.

Bachman!

What's up, bro?

What is this doing here?

Aw, got that on my trip to Maui, man.

It's like a souvenir.

So?

What is it doing here?

My trophies?

It's just sitting there, bro.

That's what shells do.

This is my trophies!

Not your souve-frickin-irs.

Not cool.

Great, I can't hear the ocean anymore.

I think you busted it.

Thanks, Brett.

Aw, monkey.

I'll busted you if I find that thing on my trophies again.

Whatever.

Queer.

This thing should be at the campus in a display case

in the entrance hallway, with all the other trophies.

So, you're a baseball player?

Starting pitcher.

Well, I used to be.

Til he sprung a piss test on us by surprise.

He cut me from the team.

I'm fighting it, though.

Oh, no, no.

Thank you, though.

Seriously?

Quite.

While, I have no objections to any of you

partaking in the activity,

for myself I find that the potential damages

aren't worth the risk.

I'm seeking a masters in chemistry

with a bachelors in metaphysics.

Hard science and the transcendental,

so encompassing both worlds, you see.

And to complete my studies, I will require that every one

of my brain cells is in tip top condition.

Dude.

It's just weed.

Oh, nevertheless.

But please, feel free.

I hate to break it to ya, bud.

But living here, second hand smoke alone

is gonna kill you by like a whole bunch of IQ points.

You'll be on the second hand highs.

I guarantee you play that transportation.

Transcendental.

Yes.

I am certain I'll be fine.

Hey, check this out.

With Al's rent, I finally got enough to buy this.

Large bong for sale.

Originally purchased in the 1960s in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner claims it was possessed.

Whoa, dude.

A haunted bong?

It's guaranteed to give amazing highs, bro.

Seller not responsible for possible bad side effects.

We gotta have it.

Oh don't be a sucker, it's a scam.

Just like that grilled cheese sandwich

with Jesus' face on it.

What are you talking about, bro?

That was online.

Okay, everything on that internet is a scam.

You can't trust anything because that's how the feds

spy on us through our computer.

I must say, this ad does sound somewhat suspect.

This is High Times, fellas.

Everything in here is on the up and up.

Totally.

Whatever, it's your dough, man.

Dude.

Have them express mail it to the house ASAP.

'Cause if there's one thing this pad is lacking,

it's a killer fucking bong, man.

Larnell?

Please.

Larnell?

Dude!

You are making it impossible for me to study.

Check it out, bro, I was on level 15

and you just shit on me.

This is the third time in a row I've broached the topic.

Now perhaps if you've listened to me,

instead of playing your games, you'd know how I feel.

Get that, bro.

Are you Larnell?

What do you want, bro?

A package for you.

That box is huge, what's in it?

What's in it?

I don't look in the boxes.

That's against regulations.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy bro, easy.

I'm a professional.

I make over $200 a week.

You look in the box, you get fired.

Larnell, perhaps it's the item,

you've been waiting for.

Item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the item I've been waiting for.

There's postage due for it.

It's been a bad month, bro, will you let this slide

a little under the rug type?

I'm a professional.

Al, spot me a little coin- Fine.

I'll pick it up next week. It's fine.

Last time, bro, last time.

Thanks, bro.

Baby, baby, baby, come to Daddy.

Hey Al.

Istair.

Aw man, you fronting Lar again?

Thought you were supposed to be smart.

Perhaps you're right, but I'm only trying to help out.

Larnell's financial acumen leaves something to be desired.

Yeah.

I ain't too good with money neither.

Believe it or not, he comes from money.

Really?

Grandpa's loaded.

Some kind of big wig lawyer take a hit by a bus.

That's horrible.

Oh no, the old man's still alive.

Cripple in a wheelchair.

Anyway, you know, he had Larnell on allowance

til he dropped out of law school, cut him off.

That's unfortunate.

Unfortunate?

It's brutal.

Oh man, the parties we used to have on that dough.

How bout some red meat?

Feed that scrawny body instead of that brain of yours.

See?

That's what I'm talking about, bro.

Gee, it's huge.

Look at the beauty, bro, look at the beauty.

Looks like a piece of crap.

Told you it was a scam.

Once again, I'm gonna have to align myself

with Brett's opinion. Dude, it's a joke.

Send it back. No, no, no, don't you see?

It's shaped like a beautiful woman, bro.

You got the tits and the vag.

You're fucking nuts.

You two are a cloud of fuck dust.

This is the best investment ever made in my life, bro.

I say let's fire this thing up.

Monkey.

Check this out, B.

This thing's hot.

Smoke and choke.

Lay it on.

Awesome, bro.

What's so awesome about it, man?

Yeah, I'd say amazing highs.

Where's your money back guarantee?

You telling me that it's not an amazing high?

Sure it's good weed, but I'm just saying.

It's a regular high, same as any other.

Regular high.

Bong's nothing special, man.

You got ripped off.

Nothing amazing about it.

Hey, every high is amazing.

It's just like there's no such thing as a bad BJ.

Bullshit.

Example, bro?

That redhead.

Carla Brewster.

She got a set of teeth on her like a school of piranha

gnashing on a baby goat.

That poor goat.

Hey, B, let's do another hit, man.

Huh?

Oh.

Bro, I said let's do another hit. Come on.

No dice, man.

I'm gonna have to score some more weed tomorrow.

Oh my bro.

I still say this thing's awesome.

In fact, it's so awesome...

No way, man.

Keep that shit away from my trophies.

Beautiful, right bro?

Feminine surrounded by masculine.

There's something

spiritual about it, don't you think?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm feeling it.

I'm definitely feeling it.

Hey watch it, geek.

Fuck me.

You've done like three times as much as me, bro.

Slow it down.

I love it too man, but moderation, you know?

Shit.

Dudes.

You guys remember Luann?

Hey what's up, losers?

This is her friend Janet.

Hi, guys.

That's Bachman over there, totally high, man.

He's Larnell.

And that guy over there.

Al!

Hi.

Washing his skivvies in the kitchen.

Oh.

Hey Janet.

You're a friend of Luann's, huh?

We got a couple classes together.

So how come I've never seen you before?

Dude, just give it up, Larnell.

She is so not into you.

What is she mute or something?

She can't talk for herself?

I know it's a radical concept.

Whatever.

Sorry Larnell, I am not interested.

Crash and burn, dude.

Not at all, B.

On the contrary.

This is a breakthrough on communications

between the sexes, bro.

Straightforward, no BS, no games.

That's what I'm talking about, Janet.

We're all adults right?

Right?

Who wants a brewski?

Dude, get it.

Mm-hm.

You don't mind, do you Bachman?

Whatever.

Thank you.

Hi there Janet, Luann.

It's nice to meet you both.

You must be a cheerleader at the school.

Oh yeah?

And what makes you say that?

Well, your outfit would be the largest indicator.

Dude, this whole thing.

No, I just wear this cuz it turns him on.

Rah rah rah, sis boom bah.

So Janet, you go to the college?

Psych major.

Oh, a fascinating study.

That's one word for it.

I'm in chemistry myself.

Oh really, then perhaps maybe you could

explain something, Al.

Alistair, actually.

Okay, Alistair.

I was just wondering, were you in the middle of

conducting a chemistry experiment,

or are you just happy to see us?

It's awesome.

Oh, um,

no.

I was merely-

Oh, you don't need to explain.

Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah Al, it happens to the best of us.

No, I was twisting the-

Oh, twisting?

Is that what the kids are saying these days?

I just like to say choking the chicken,

wanking the weasel, packing the meat, you know.

No, I mean, um-

Oh but, your hair looks great too, Al.

Yeah, it's hot.

If you'll just excuse me for...

You ladies should stay and join us for one more hit.

That's a bong? Dude.

It's gigantic.

Yeah, gigantic outhouse, white trailer trash

looking crop in.

It's so gross.

Hey do "ew" moment.

Ew!

Larnell thinks it's a work of art.

Dude, seriously, it looks like an old moldy dick.

I ain't sucking that shit.

Well that's harsh, Luann, even for you.

Yeah, whatever.

Adios, ladies.

Come on.

We got a party to go to.

Later, dick heads.

Bitch.

What was that?

What?

Sounded like somebody just called me something.

I didn't hear nothing.

Don't you even go there, pencil dick.

Not cool, dude.

Bro, it was probably Bachman or something.

Right.

Yeah, whatever.

How's my hair?

Great babe.

I hope it is.

Fuck, man.

You're mine.

Monkey.

Welcome.

Welcome!

Make yourself at home.

We have everything here you desire.

Nice tits, oh yeah.

Enjoy yourself, boy.

Hey little dude.

Looks like you're having fun.

Whoa, another little dude.

Watch yourself, kid.

Oh, hey I didn't mean any offense.

I don't mean that.

I mean her.

I know a lot of other creatures of the night, kid.

Watch out for that one.

Watch myself.

I think I'll be just fine, thanks.

You like what you see?

Oh mama.

You wanna see more?

Is a Roger stoked to carve a sick barrel?

Translation, babe, hell yeah.

Goth boobs, huh?

That's cool.

Oh that feels good.

I love you.

Monkey.

Nasty.

How is the taste?

Hey Al.

Pour me a bowl, would ya?

Good morning Brett.

You just getting in?

Must have been quite the soiree last night, huh?

Oh yeah, hell of a party too.

You don't know what you're missing out on, Al,

keeping your nose in those books 24/7.

Well, there'll be ample time to party down

when my schooling's finished.

Then what, some big career as a scientist or something?

Something like that.

Someday.

Yeah I thought someday I'd be pitching for the Dodgers.

Then I pulled my hammy last season

and the whole drug thing went down.

Take it from me, Al, dreams don't always come true.

Don't hit the books so hard they hit back and

knock the fun out of you.

Hey, get up you dip shits, we gotta clean this place up.

This shit looks like a wreck and the chicks are

coming over to party tonight.

Will Janet be coming too?

Get up.

What's up bro?

Is someone here?

Do I gotta flush the stuff down the crapper?

Relax, man, you're tweaking out, dude.

Everything's cool.

I'm cool, bro.

Hey, you too, Bachman.

Let's go.

I mean it, bro.

Geez.

He been crashed here all night?

How much he smoke?

A lot, bro.

Does my bong look different?

It's so weird.

Bachman?

Bachman.

Oh my God.

He's expired.

What do you mean?

I mean, he's passed on, deceased.

Bro, you shitting me?

Oh, what a buzzkill.

You're telling me, B.

Larnell, Bachman is dead.

Fuck, bro!

What do you tell me, Bach, at like 20 something?

Talk to me.

Give me a monkey, bro, give me a fucking monkey.

Come on bro!

We'll figure this out, man.

What are you doing?

Calling the authorities, of course.

Do you think we want the cops here, man?

Take a look around.

Come on man, we've got weed coming out of our wazoo.

They will have to be notified, Brett.

Fuck man, fuck man, fuck, fuck, fuck, he's dead, bro.

He's on the fucking couch.

We can't have the fucking cops over here!

I'm thinking.

What is there to consider?

This was obviously some kind of accident,

and now he's dead.

After blowing my drug test last night,

being involved with something like this,

accident or not.

We have to call the police.

So not cool bro.

Dead fucking dude on the couch!

I got it.

Larnell, don't Bachman's parents live over in the Bale?

Yeah bro, Midbale, cute little house, white picket fence.

We used to play catch when we were just little dudes

in the fucking back yard, bro.

Here's the plan.

We wait til it's dark.

We drive him over there.

We drop him off at the curb, man.

No fuss, no muss.

You can't be serious!

That's what mobsters do after a hit.

They drop the body off at a loved one's house

to serve as a warning.

Man, that's a good idea I had.

Try to blame it on the mob.

I knew that nine years was gonna come in handy, Al.

That's not what I meant. Lar, give me a hand, man.

This is the best thing for him.

Besides, he won't want us to get in any kinds of trouble.

Will you two just stop and think for just one moment?

The hell.

Somebody's at the door.

Go see who it is.

Not you!

It's the cops, bro.

It appears to be an elderly gentleman with a wheelchair.

Holy shit bro, it's my grandpa.

What the hell's he doing here?

Just shut the fuck up. Maybe he'll go away.

Larnell!

I can hear you in there, you fool!

What do we do?

Hide him.

Have you two gone completely insane?

Open this door instantly you cock suckers!

Hold him off, Al.

Larnell is indisposed at the moment.

I'll get him disposed, god damn it.

He'll be with you shortly.

Hey gramps.

What a cool surprise.

Hey Cyrus, it's great to see ya.

Ah shut up you pathetic louts.

Moronic pricks.

Miscreants, all of ya.

Where's the other one?

The surfer?

Bachman? Oh he just up and moved out, you know?

Kind of a drag.

Yeah.

Moved out, did he?

Good riddance is what I say.

There's an utter waste of human skin.

Not as much use as a soiled tampon.

Who's this?

You're new here.

Alistair MacDowell, sir.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You seem different than the others.

Clean cut.

Well mannered.

Marked improvement.

Yeah yeah, Al's really great, Grandpa.

Even helps me with my studies and all.

That's a wasted cause if ever there was one.

Got a mind like a urinal cake.

So what brings you down here anyway, Grandpa?

I came to introduce you to your new grandmother.

You mean you finally remarried huh?

I did, indeed, my boy.

Indeed I did.

So what's she like?

I mean, with your dough, you could have got anyone.

Oh, she's a catch.

And I'm not the only one admiring her, either.

The lodge was abuzz.

All the boys wanted a crack at her.

So where's she at?

She's parking the car.

She'll be right up.

Is she hot?

Oh, she's a looker.

That's for certain.

Oh that's so cool!

You know, I was hoping you'd hook up with

some big titted bimbo that I could bang on the side.

You disgusting pervert.

Oh ho.

I only hope that one day convicts will feast upon

your scrotum sack.

You know bro, I was just kidding around,

you don't have to come at me like that, Grandpa.

Is your mind perpetually in the gutter?

You useless vulgar douche bag.

This is your new grandmother we're talking about.

Not some two bit loose floozy for you to defile

with your nasty little penis!

No good, worthless enema bag.

So Cy, where did you meet the little lady?

Well, I was inspecting my gyms that I own

down on the west side.

She was on the racketball court.

She caught my eye immediately.

The way she slammed that ball.

Her body alive and aggressive, vibrant and sensuous.

Oh .

Boys, I want you to meet Dame Rosemary Cornwallace.

Oh my God.

Bro, that's your wife?

Isn't the a beaut?

Dude, she can hardly walk.

Oh, she's fine.

It's just close to her nap time, you know.

Would you like some tea, ma'am?

No thank you.

Is she okay?

She's a little spent, that's all.

This morning, she and I had ourselves a go.

A go?

You wouldn't believe what a vixen she is in the sack.

Well, I'm gonna take myself a quick dump,

and then Rose and I will be on about our business.

Leaving you three to do whatever it is you do.

Let me get that for you.

I'm perfectly capable of taking care of this myself,

you cro magnon.

Now why don't you limp dicks clean this pig sty up?

Miserable bunch of no account cock suckers.

Fuck, bro.

Jesus.

What's this all about?

I'm not entirely devoid of surprise.

Shit, thought they'd never leave.

Can you believe the dude actually sleeps

with that withered bag?

She's so old that when she opens her legs,

moths fly out of her snatch.

I think I'm gonna be ill.

Dude let's pact.

Pact.

Never speak of this again.

Never.

But back to the business at hand.

What are we gonna do about Bachman?

Yeah, what'd you do with her?

To who?

My bong, bro?

Your bong's a she?

What'd you put her over here for?

Well you told me to hide her.

Not on the fucking ground behind the couch.

Show a little respect, bro.

How can you even think about getting high

at a time like this?

Are you kidding me, it's all that I think about.

The old man was stressing me out big time.

He almost found Bachman.

Speaking of that, what if something's wrong

with the marijuana?

What do you mean?

Hey, bread boy might have a point here.

What if Bachman's dead cuz the weed's bad?

I smoked it too.

But not as much.

It can't be the weed.

No weed on earth could kill Bachman.

Come to think of it, remember Luann took some last night.

We all smoked and we didn't croak.

It can't be the weed, bro.

Shit the girls are coming over.

We gotta get this place clean.

First thing we gotta do is dump Bachman somewhere.

We are not dumping him anywhere.

We can't leave him here.

Don't get me wrong.

Bachman's a great guy.

Dude, but, he doesn't care what happens to him anymore.

How about we throw Bachman down the stairs?

Just for tonight man, and have our little party.

Then in the morning, we'll bring him up,

put him on the couch.

Then we'll call the cops.

But the medical examiner will know that he's been dead

for more than 24 hours.

I mean, how are we supposed to explain that?

I don't know.

We'll just say he was sleeping.

Dude crashed for days when he got baked, man.

What's the big mystery?

I suppose.

Of course you suppose, man.

We could sell that to the cop easy, man.

First thing we gotta do is get this place cleaned up,

man, and get you all spiffed up.

What's the point?

She probably doesn't even know my name.

What's the point?

What's the point, man?

Lousy fucking attitude, bro man.

Have a little back bone, man.

How bout some stones, bro?

Dude, I'm gonna be off with the lamb getting me

a piece of that action.

You've got the best chance in the whole world

to score with Janet.

But I totally embarrassed myself in front of her.

Are you kidding, man?

She thought it was,

she thought it was cute, dude.

I saw her giving you the fuck me eyes.

Really?

Big time.

Not like me.

I don't have a chance with her.

She's too brainy, you know, but Luann, on the other hand,

well, she's about as smart as a box of donuts.

Janet's an egg head like you.

You have a lot in common.

She did seem rather bright.

You're gonna get laid tonight, my friend.

Yeah.

All right great, then it's settled.

Let's get the stiff downstairs.

Larnell.

Oh Larnell.

Wicked stuff.

Feeling good, Larnell?

She can talk.

Damn straight, baby.

One more toke, Larnell, just one.

You got it, baby.

Come on, papa.

I'm coming.

Closer.

I'm coming hard.

Take me.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, baby.

Come on.

Take it.

Take it!

Yeah.

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

Fuck.

Fuck, indeed.

Get up now.

I said get up!

Mm.

Sit back, baby.

Get ready for a ride.

That's some good shit.

Damn straight.

Oh yeah.

Come to mama.

Come on.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, baby.

Oh my sweet God.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude, I thought you were dead.

Dude, don't insult me.

Do I look dead?

Dude, you look good.

Have fun in here.

This place is awesome.

It's awesome.

Ta-ta.

Dude.

Dude.

Hey hey hot stuff.

Ha ha.

Welcome, Larnell.

We have everything here that you desire.

Mm-hm.

Oh yeah?

Then how about we change up these tunes.

I wanna hear rock and fucking roll!

Ooh, I love it when you talk that way.

Rock it baby, rock it!

Double awesome.

Pretty fucking hot.

Oh.

I'd like to bite me off a piece of that pastry.

Oh yeah.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Oh I love it.

Touch me, the dough boy.

And the chestnuts.

Ah ah, oh.

I'm gonna cream.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You twisted deviant.

What the fuck are you doing here, old man?

You know you're turning this into a bad trip real fast.

Ever since you were a toddler, that day I walked in

and found you sucking on your dirty diapers,

I knew then that you'd grow up to be a grade A ignoramus.

A lot better than being a grade A ignoramus like you,

Skeletor.

I suppose that dancing harlot up there

is your kind of woman.

Are you kidding me?

This chick is awesome.

You should have married a chick like this

instead of that dusty old vaginal scab.

What?

I mean that bitch is more fucked up

than any mummy movie I ever saw.

I'll teach ya some respect, you insolent little

cock sucker!

Anybody, can I get a hand here?

Oh yeah, baby.

Ha!

Ciao, ciao.

Ha ha.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

You got it, my man.

You got it.

Hi baby.

I have a surprise for you.

Are you about done with your fun?

Baby, the fun's just getting started.

That's what I'm talking about.

Mimo.

Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water.

I got a big enough boat for those fish.

Got your pole, baby.

It's kinda weird, you're kinky.

Hey babe.

Hey.

Stop.

Janet, come here.

Dude, don't tell me you losers

actually cleaned this place up.

Well of course, I knew you were coming over.

Aw.

I'm gonna call Ripley.

Dick head.

Dude, where's Bachman?

Bachman, he's-

He's dead tired.

Yeah, he's dead tired.

He's laying low tonight.

Evening, Janet.

Glad you could make it.

Hi Alistair, nice jacket.

Oh well, I had to be presentable.

After all, this is a special occasion.

It is?

Of course.

Any time a lady of your learning and beauty

crosses the threshold of this house is a special occasion.

I'm guessing there aren't any more like you back home,

are there?

Yeah, let's hope not.

Go ahead and roll first, Janet.

This is for the win.

We are kicking your ass.

We've been playing this stupid game.

Must be bored off my ass.

Oh yeah dude, but they're never gonna get this one.

Okay, you guys ready?

What important document of 1783 was signed by

Benjamin Franklin and other founding fathers?

That's easy, the Constitution.

Wait a minute Janet, wait a minute.

I believe that the Constitution was even later.

1787, but-

The Treaty of Paris.

You're right.

That was in '83.

That's our answer.

The Treaty of Paris.

They win.

You're pretty.

I swear, we're so hot.

It's all about teamwork.

Dude, congrats on the win.

Seriously.

Gross.

Ah, flatulence humor.

The comic allure of intestinal gas.

What are friends for, bud?

You're right, of course.

You guys, now let's get this party started.

Woo!

Okay.

Absolutely.

Oh, no thank you.

Al won't touch this stuff.

Worried about his brains cells.

I keep telling him he's got plenty.

He can waste a few of them.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said,

"A man who has no vices has very few virtues."

She's gotcha there, Al.

Babe, babe, babe, babe, slow down.

What's wrong?

Give me a minute.

I'm not up when I'm stoned.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I got my friend.

Oh yeah, my friend.

Oh, oh.

Oh the twister.

Oh oh.

Oh man, oh man.

I know what's gonna turn you on.

I'm horny.

I'm horny!

I'm horny, I'm horny!

I'm horny!

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

You want some hotness?

I know what's gonna turn you on.

I know what's gonna make you so crazy.

I know what's gonna make you feel like a chocolate sprinkle

Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

Listen.

Limp doll.

Okay.

You're gonna get it up

or I'm gonna tell the rest of the team

that you are going faggot.

Well,

I'm so glad we're able to spend some time together, Janet.

Mm-hmm.

So, how is school going?

School's school.

Do you...

What else do you do, Janet?

I mean for fun, or -

Girl's gotta have some secrets.

I've gotta keep a little bit of mystery.

Like you, Alistair.

Dark, mysterious.

I'm mysterious.

Well.

I've often thought of myself as quite the magnetic.

I must say, Janet, this is a side of your personality

I wasn't expecting.

Oh when we get high I let the walls down.

Really?

Well that's fascinating.

What...

What's wrong?

He's dead.

Oh my God.

Just like Bachman.

I thought you said Bachman was just asleep?

We sorta fibbed.

What happened?

Not exactly sure.

Hey Brett!

They're stoned out of their minds.

It's different again.

What do you mean?

The bong.

It changed after Bachman died.

Now it's changed again.

It changed after they smoked from it?

They smoked from it.

Then they died.

And then it changed.

That doesn't make any sense, it isn't logical.

No, no, no, it's not logical.

Certainly not in terms of the physical world, it's not.

But I believe now we're dealing with worlds

beyond the physical.

You mean spiritual?

Transcendental.

Transcendental, exactly.

When Larnell purchased this bong,

the ad warned the user against possible bad side effects.

But it's obvious.

They weren't warning the user against substandard drugs.

They were warning the user against this bong.

But I smoked from it too.

Look.

Oh yeah.

Come on!

Oh my god.

What is this place?

Must be the weed.

This is seriously not cool.

Awesome.

This is somewhat my style.

Hey, who's high is this anyways?

Yours or mine?

Ew.

Ugh.

That looks so disgusting.

Yes, makeup.

I lost myself.

Right there.

Oh God.

Oh yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

This is hot.

How do you open this thing up?

Okay Brett.

We are leaving like right now.

Let's go, let's go.

Quit your nagging.

No, I mean it, asshole.

God you are a drag.

Bye bye, bitch.

Now we can have ourselves a party, ladies.

Carla?

Carla Brewster?

It is you!

Well, hi Brett.

Long time no see.

I think the last time I saw you,

you were supposed to give me a call.

Well you know, I was busy doing things and shit.

You know how it gets, girl.

Damn, you really filled out nice.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like I'm doing here?

No kidding.

Hot damn.

I'm between sets right now.

On my break.

But I suppose I could give you a little taste.

For old times sake.

Those are a goof.

So kitschy.

I thought you'd like them.

I heard what you said to your buddies about me earlier.

About my technique.

Oh that, I was just kidding around.

You know.

Uh huh.

Let me show you what I've learned.

What was it that you said?

A school of piranhas ate a baby goat?

Oh yes.

Yes!

Yes, yes!

She's changed again.

I mean, it's changed again.

After they smoked from it.

It'll be okay.

You only took one hit.

Baby, that's all it takes.

Do you hear that, or am I stoned?

I definitely heard it.

And my faculties are not impaired.

The more you do, the more I take.

All right.

We are certainly dealing with something abnormal here,

but, I think if we just reason it up.

Janet!

Oh, I'm so sleepy.

Stay with me, Janet.

What's going on?

What are you doing to her?

It's not what I've done, but what I am about to do.

Wake up, Janet.

Wake up.

Please.

Whoa, dude.

I've been looking all over for you, man.

There you are.

Who are you?

Oh I'm Jimbo, man.

That's my bong.

It's your bong?

I thought the ad said that the owner was deceased.

That's my wife, man she wishful thinking

on her part.

No, man.

Well then perhaps you can explain what's going on here.

It's the bong, man.

It's evil.

Well if it's dangerous then why'd you put it up for sale?

I didn't put it up for sale, man, my wife.

She sold it, man, I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels collection.

Man, I miss those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bong?

I don't think it can be stopped, man.

The guy that sold it to me said that it has

some voodoo curse on it or something, ya know?

I thought he was just trying to make a sale.

But it killed all my friends, man.

And it almost got me.

Well, it got all my brain cells.

But that's okay 'cause I wasn't using them anyway.

You have to help me save Janet.

Did she take a hit?

I'm afraid so.

Then it's too late, man.

She's already there.

There?

Yeah.

Where's there?

There is where you go when you take a big bong hit, man.

I've been there.

You don't come back from there.

Well I did, but I was lucky.

If you made it out alive, then so can she.

I have to go in after her.

I don't know, man.

Sure you wanna do this?

It's the honorable thing to do.

If you're gonna go in, you better take these.

What are they?

I'm not sure.

I think they're vitamins.

It's your only chance.

All right.

Now if you'll please assist me with this thing.

Well, it's easy, man, you just suck, you don't blow.

That's all.

Suck it up, toke it up.

Toke it up.

Well I don't particularly feel...

You did it again.

Jimbo, baby.

Long time no see.

Baby you look fucked up.

No thanks to you.

Oh now come on, go ahead.

You know you wanna hit me.

You know you do.

Come on.

I missed you, man.

I know you did, you motherfucker.

Yeah.

Hit me.

Come on, take me.

No, no.

No, no, no.

What?

I didn't come here to get high.

Uh-uh.

Say well why did you come here then?

Heh heh.

Heh heh yourself.

Where you going?

What you?

I come to take you out, bitch.

Oh honey, please.

Alistair baby.

What a shocker.

So glad you could come.

You can dispense with the social niceties.

I'm here for one thing only:

to rescue Janet.

Oh you poor pathetic little geek.

You have no chance.

Well we'll just see about that,

you cursed narcotic paraphernalia.

Way harsh, baby.

If you wish, this can be a very pleasant

thing for you, Alistair.

Relax, baby.

Let it, let it go.

Feels good, right?

Yeah.

Mm mm mm.

I shall not!

Come on.

Come on, baby!

Why the negative vibes, Al?

You got to let yourself go!

Come on, those girls, they want you, baby.

They want you.

You better die, you evil bitch.

Try again!

What?

You can't get me.

Oh ho ho.

Oh you wanna play rough, do ya?

Okay.

Come on, come on. Let's play rough.

Bring out your big guns, come on!

Yeah?

Take this!

Woo!

Woo!

I love me some power tools, yes!

Okay girls, work him.

Work him, work him, it's working, go, go, go, yes.

Feed, uh huh.

No.

No!

I will not succumb to your bewitching charms.

And it's not Al.

It's Alistair.

Al.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, that blonde chick's got a nice set of teeth, huh?

I suppose.

You know where the exit is, do you?

I think it's that way.

Got a light?

I don't smoke.

That's some do you got there.

Dry hair's for squares.

Thanks.

Al! Al!

Al! Al, come back.

Come on girls, what happened?

You let him get away.

Janet!

Wait your turn, brother.

I'll dance with you in a minute.

What?

I'm afraid you got the wrong idea, man.

I'm a red blooded male through and through

and I demand that you step away from this lady.

Say what?

Cease and desist your offensive gyrations immediately.

Oh hi Alistair, how you doing cutie?

What if the lady here doesn't wanna stop?

Then I'll have to make certain that she does.

I told you it wouldn't work, Jimbo .

Well, I guess we're gonna have to take this up a notch.

Oh shit.

What you got there?

Oh.

You sound worried.

Now now, you don't wanna do that now.

You don't wanna make me angry.

Ooh, that's some good shit, man.

Oh yeah, baby.

You're not the only one who can take it up a notch.

What is that, BC bud?

Fuckin' A.

Mm.

Oh.

You think you're gonna get me this way?

Hey man.

I've built up resistance over the years, man.

Uh huh.

It's gonna take a lot more than this little weak shit

to get me...

Sounds like old times, Jimbo baby.

Oh yeah, you call that a notch, man?

No, no.

This ain't gonna get me.

I've built up, I've built up resistance.

I can,

I can-

Jimbo.

Jimbo, baby.

Oh no.

You're mine, baby. I can, I can-

You're mine.

Admit it.

You're mine.

Oh, that's good shit.

Yes, baby.

Oh yeah.

Work it ladies, work it now.

Come on.

Make it happen.

Uh huh.

Alistair, why do you wanna leave?

This place is so great!

That's the drugs talking, Janet.

It's the bong talking.

Listen to her, Alistair.

You two could be very happy here together.

Just be happy.

No.

That's the bong talking.

We're getting out of here.

We're leaving right now.

Hey, watch the suit, boy-o.

Who are you?

Pipe down, clown.

I'm the one asking the questions here.

Do you know where we are?

No-

Well do you?

Don't you?

I don't, I don't.

You better answer me or I'm gonna work on you

with a car battery and a grapefruit spoon.

Grapefruit spoon.

You're funny.

Hey look.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

But if you find a way out, will you tell me?

Yeah, sure.

Okay thanks a lot.

Grapefruit spoon, very funny.

Janet, please listen to me.

I implore you.

You have been overcome by an evil power.

You must resist it.

Use your mind.

That intelligent brain of yours.

There you go, that's it.

There is no force in the world that can't be overcome

by common sense and sheer logic.

You're hilarious.

And so cute, you're so cute.

Please, Janet.

That's enough, Janet.

Bring him to us.

What is it you want?

Isn't it obvious, Alistair?

Use that egg head of yours.

The more you toke from me, the more powerful I become.

Soon, I will control the world.

A great big beautiful stoned world with pot-smoked clouds

and oceans of bong water.

And is there really anything so wrong with that, huh?

People should have the right to get high

when they want to and if they want to.

You're nothing but a hopped up imperialist.

A ganja headed dictator. Oh no.

No, this is America.

Land of the free.

Free to get high on our own discretion.

And not on the whim of some glass-blown witch!

You better back up, boy.

You better mess with me!

Well if I can't, then Jimbo certainly will.

Jimbo?

Ha!

That pathetic dead head has no chance on earth.

Please.

Aw man.

Oh, you think you got me, man, but I told ya,

I've built up a resistance, man.

I'm telling ya, nothing can phase me, man.

See ya.

Alistair, I'm horny .

Janet.

Let's play a game.

I like games.

Great!

Close your eyes.

And open your mouth.

Oh, you're a naughty boy.

What was that?

Just a mint.

I'm sorry to say, you had a mild case of halitosis.

Oh my God, I'm sorry, give me another one.

These don't taste like mints.

Wait a minute, what is this?

Just a few vitamins.

A few?

Hey!

What's the big idea here?

No, I didn't do that.

I would never take advantage of a lady

when her faculties have been compromised.

Okay.

That's not what I heard.

Where are we?

I'm not exactly sure.

But now that the effects of the marijuana are wearing off,

I think we'll be able to get out of here finally.

Jimbo.

Hey. What are you doing here?

She got me, man.

She broke out the good stuff.

BC bud, man.

I couldn't resist.

Oh no, we've already taken the vitamins you gave us.

Do you have any more?

No.

It's okay, I don't need them.

Maybe you'll still make it.

Come with us.

No, no, no, you guys get out of here.

I've got a little surprise for that little bitch.

Thanks, Jimbo, for everything.

My pleasure, man.

Hey, so, no go on, beat it.

Okay, you little bitch, I'm comin' to getcha.

Come on then, come on.

I can take ya.

I can take you with my hands tied behind me, come on!

Come on!

You know you're not gonna win, Jimbo baby.

Yeah, I ain't gonna lose either.

Put this in your pipe- Oh no.

You evil bitch. No, no, no!

Oh Janet, I'm so glad you're okay.

I believe it's finally over.

We're finally safe.

What about them?

Look.

Dudes.

Trippy stuff, but I was just completely under.

Completely, bro.

Oh man, I'm thrashed, dude.

I've really been out of it.

You two are looking pretty cozy.

And I really thought you'd score.

Well maybe sometimes, dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I just had the weirdest one,

but I can hardly remember it now.

It's like I got some of that crazy backwater

sloshing around in my skull.

Dudes!

I just woke up in the basement underneath a pile of trash.

We must have had one sick party last night, man.

Wait a minute.

Where's Jimbo?

He destroyed the bong, but he-

He must have perished in the attempt.

Truly a hero's demise.

Hey Jimbo. Hey Jimbo.

Hey, what's up?

Whatever you want.

You're in charge now.

Really?

It's all yours.

No shit?

No shit, Jimbo.

Tell us what you want.

Ooh , what do I want?

You know what I want?

I want you girls to play with my

Hot Wheels!

One for you, one for you, one for you, one for you.

We'll give everybody the Hot Wheel and go,

"Boom, boom, boom, bum bum bum boom."

Oh this one's got a big mountain to climb.

It's a tough one.

Oh, it's gonna make it.

Is it gonna make it?

No, he come back up.

Vroom.

Ooh.