Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

Congratulations.

Louise, what are you doing?

Are you writing "You've won burgers for life" on the napkins again?

It's our famous Golden Napkin Promotion.

Relax, it's only every tenth napkin.

- I won! - Yay, Tina!

So proud of you.

- Oh, my God! - Hello, Bob.

Linda Bob. Assorted Belchkins.

- Hi, Mr. Fischoeder. - [all greeting]

Uh, you can't be here for rent 'cause we're not even late.

Well, we're late, but we're not late.

We're early... late.

We're playing hard to get... checks from.

No, I'm here to hand deliver an invitation.

I'm saving money on stamps. That's how I got rich.

That and being born rich.

"You are cordially invited to a brunch..."

Cordially! Us!

Ooh, brunch!

"To honor the 100th birthday of Ulysses Fischoeder."

- Who's that? - That is my oldest living relative

and still pretty hot for a tortoise.

Uh, wait, you're throwing a 100th birthday party brunch for a tortoise?

Uh, yeah, Dad. [scoffs] This guy.

Ulysses isn't just any tortoise.

He's met Lindbergh.

He made Garbo smile.

Three presidents have shaken his foot.

Who's ever shaken your foot, Bob?

Uh, no one.

Did you all say you wanted to see some family photos?

- I mean, I was thinking it. - [Linda] Ooh!

[Gene] It must have been wild, the day everything in the world turned to color.

Now I'll save you a stamp and collect your RSVPs, so...

I mean, thank you... But we don't really close for reptile birthdays, so...

I don't remember that being in our charter.

And a tortoise party is the best invitation this family has had in months,

- possibly ever. - I believe you.

Yeah, I want to go.

- Shell, yes! - I'm turtle heading already.

Or should I say tortoise heading?

- You should. - You shouldn't.

- So, Bob? - [sighs] Fine.

[all] Yay!

Wow!

I thought the turtle on Entourage had a busy social life.

You're Calvin's scruffy burger buddy, right?

- Barb, isn't it? - Yep.

- It's Barb. - No, no, it's uh, Bob.

Hi, Randolph. This is my family.

They're... well, you know...

- Hello! - Hmm. Are you catering this event?

I'll have a margarita pizza and a falafel.

No, we're not catering.

Dad, get the man a margarita pizza.

- [groans] - Welcome, Belchers.

- Prosecco? - I won't say prosec-no. [chuckles]

Uh, here's a present for Ulysses.

It's a ball that you put treats inside.

Okey-dokey.

A ball with treats inside? Did someone just fix sports?

So, where's the birthday boy?

He's off with Inga, putting his face on.

Jeez, look at all these turtle party people. Oh, who's that?

That's Bailey Cornwallis, an old paramour of mine.

- She's pretty. - You should see her naked.

- Like I did, many times. - Mmm.

- Okay. - You guys enjoying the turd ass...

I mean, tortoise party?

- Felix, be nice. It's Ulysses' Day. - I am being nice!

Tell him to be nice! Why does he get the day?

It's my birthday, too!

When it's your 100th, we'll celebrate.

Get ready, bro.

Calvin, when are you going to let me represent Ulysses?

There is honking demand right now for tortoises with the right look.

Bob, this is Ian.

He's a pet agent.

Uh, yes, hi. We've met.

Wait, are you the guy who had the squirrel that lived in your hair?

- Yes. - [sighs] No.

Calvin, I just took a call from a major moisturizer brand.

They're looking for a tortoise to be the face of dry skin.

We're talking real money. Moisturizer money.

Mmm, yeah. I'll think about it.

It films in Croatia,

where the tortoise labor laws are a little more loosey-goosey.

And don't even get me started on their goose laws.

Mmm, stuffed dates.

Hey, I hear you used to date Mr. Fischoeder.

- Ha! [chuckles] I'm Linda. - Bailey.

Yes, we used to stuff each other's dates.

Bailey, you're naughty.

What can I say? He's my type.

Handsome, rich, one-eyed.

- Oh. - It's called mono-ocular-philia.

And, sister, I got it bad.

Aw! So sweet.

Well, what happened with you two?

Oh, the usual. My business took off, I was traveling all the time.

This was before sexting, so we faxed each other.

We called it saxting. And it wasn't very satisfying.

Ah, it still sounds kind of hot. That fax comin' in...

[imitates fax machine]

Gather around, everyone.

It's time to say hello to the reptile that makes you smile.

[whistles] Hopefully, that was the right whistle.

If Inga brings in the panther, just stand very still.

Happy...

Okay, started way too soon, my bad.

- Poop, poop, poop. - Wow, lot of it.

The turtle eat and poop all day.

It only take break when making sex to ottoman in my room.

Can't you just be happy for them, Inga?

His poop is very green. What's his secret?

Dandelion leaves. It grow over there,

is turtle's favorite.

Is like its crack.

- My crack is crackers. - My crack is crack.

What is...

Uh, it's a treat ball.

You hide treats inside it and it stimulates...

I should have done a gift card.

Yeah, you should have. Now, thank you all for coming.

Ulysses has outlived my grandfather, my father, and will someday outlive me.

With my millionaire lifestyle,

I'm just one space tourism disaster away from a pine box.

Yes, I mean, a Chris Pine branded custom casket.

Oh, that's got to be gorgeous.

The Fischoeder Family Tortoise Trust or "FFTT",

as I call it, requires a successor guardian to be named.

Randolph, Felix, Ian, Bailey, Bob--

- [Randolph] It's Barb. - No, it's... ugh, never mind.

Today, you five will have the chance to compete

for Ulysses' affection, and be joined with him in future holy guardianship.

- Oh. - [gasps]

- Wowie. - Hmm.

- Hmph. - Oh, no.

And whoever is chosen will also receive a yearly stipend of $10,000.

- [Tina] Whoa. - [Gene gasps]

Yes! You're winning this.

- No, Louise, I'm not. - Yes!

- No, no. I'm not doing it. - Yes! Yes!

So one of you will win the guardianship and Ulysses' heart.

And today, in this solarium, love will bloom.

Much like my opium poppies over there, [chuckling] you don't see those.

Um, can I talk to you, Mr. Fischoeder?

Yeah. So, I'm not at all interested in--

Can you excuse us?

- Uh, okay. - Dad, we are interested.

You know we've wanted a pet forever, and I could ride around on it

like a tortoise queen, who also gets paid $10,000 a year.

- Louise, no. - And look at it this way,

it's not just a pet for us, it's a pet for our children.

Think of Tina Junior.

- Yeah. - Tina Junior's gonna need this.

- Wait, what? - Aw, she's gonna be fine.

Where would a tortoise even go?

Our apartment's cramped and possibly not even good for people.

May I butt in? What about that unused space on the ground floor?

Do you mean our restaurant?

Uh, oh, forgot. Yeah, well, you know, you'd have the stipend.

Plus, the tortoise has some investments of his own.

In a shell company, I assume.

You could rent something nicer.

Then it would be like the tortoise is our landlord.

- Love that. - Mr. Fischoeder, what about Inga?

She already takes care of it.

Inga. [chuckling] I'm not sure she'd be that keen on the idea.

Primarily because she hates him.

But let's check. Inga, would you like to be Ulysses' guardian?

[blows raspberry]

- There you go. - Well, it doesn't matter.

I won't win anyway.

Animals don't really like me.

Do you think it's 'cause they see into your soul, and they're like, "Nah."

Is it 'cause they're threatened by all your body hair?

Is it 'cause when it rains, you get that wet dad smell?

Hmm, yeah, maybe.

[clears throat] Now, you're all going to join in a series of fun activities

in order to get better acquainted with Ulysses.

You're gonna be judged on bonding, chemistry, and general vibe.

You'll also each get intimate one-on-one time with him down at his mud wallow.

But first, Inga has some carrots for you.

Um, why are we getting carrots?

Remember, I'm looking for eye contact and body language.

Um, this is weird.

Not sure what's weird about this.

You're acting like this is the first time

you've tried to seduce a tortoise with a carrot in your mouth.

- I hate you. - Felix.

I said, uh, "You're great, you." Turd-ass.

- [whimpers] - Don't look away. Don't look away!

It's like that scene in Alien.

Be open to love.

Ulysses passed to me.

We've connected. And back to my good friend Ulysses.

Get in there, Dad.

If Ulysses sees I'm open and doesn't pass to me,

it's kind of a sign that we're not--

- Oh, darn. - Kick it back!

- [grunts] Oh. Whoops. Sorry. - [Ulysses groans]

Bob's trying to kill the tortoise!

No, I'm not.

I'll... I'll just stop playing.

Look at Ulysses go out there.

If only we could have that energy when we're 100, right?

- [chuckles] - [chuckles]

Well, I'm going to have it, so, joke's on you.

All I need is a simple

but slightly illegal procedure where stem cells are harvested

from our tortoise friend's bone marrow and injected into my me marrow.

Then guess who's blowing out 150 birthday candles?

Randolph Brackenbrown.

Oh. Uh, would the tortoise survive that?

Oh, I hope so. Then I could do it again.

- Scrotum! - What?

I think that's where they'll inject it.

Scrotum. Fortunately, I have a huge one.

That's great. That's good for you.

Next trivia question.

What color are Ulysses' eyes?

[scoffs] Too easy.

Trick question. It doesn't have eyes.

Black, wet and full of money. [whispering] Don't write the money part.

Not sure of the color, but I know he's got two of them...

for now.

So the stand-up comedy challenge.

As we all know, Ulysses has an amazing sense of humor,

if a bit politically incorrect.

And the winner of this challenge

will receive five extra minutes

of one-on-one time with him in the mud wallow.

So bring the funny.

Ulysses, your poop is so fibrous,

when you defecate, I don't know whether to gag or knit a sweater.

Okay, this is my impression of Ulysses running as fast as he can.

Um, what's a tortoise's favorite kind of music?

Slow jams.

[laughing] Ah, forget it.

- Hack. - It's his delivery.

Oh, that's my time.

Look, Dad, you're not bringing it.

You half assed the shell waxing event.

You were very stand-offish during the tortoise tickling.

And the less said about the...

So That Tortoise Thinks You Can Dance segment the better.

- Agreed. - I don't really know

how the scoring works,

- but I have you in last place. - I'm fine with that.

Oh, hi, Ian. How was your one-on-one time with Ulysses?

Oh, I think we both felt something.

By the way, I'm doing some market research.

How interested would you be in a streaming series about a tortoise

who goes back to high school?

But it's also a murder mystery.

You know what? Never mind, I see it in your eyes that you love it.

Eh, I don't know if show business is a good life for a tortoise.

The press junkets, the scrutiny...

On the other hand, he could get an earring, like Harrison Ford.

Yeah, Ian's maybe not great.

And Felix can barely take care of himself.

And Randolph over there wants to suck out the tortoise's bone marrow?

Where are your bones?

So not ideal.

- Oh, hey, Bailey. - I'm up next, I think.

And I'm ready to flirtle with a turtle.

Bailey, you seem rich.

You probably have a nice, big yard

for the tortoise to run around in, huh?

I do. I have a big game park.

Ooh, games are fun.

Yeah. We have a lot of big animals there,

running around, enjoying themselves.

- That's nice. - And then people shoot them.

- What? Shoot them? - I mean, they usually miss.

Sometimes we have to shoot them

and tell the client they shot them.

Customer service.

- Okay, um-- - But that shell's bulletproof, right?

- He'll be fine. - Wow.

So, I guess everyone here is terrible.

Too bad animals hate you so much, Dad.

- Yeah. Thank you, Tina. - You're welcome.

Gene, Tina, could I speak to you privately?

- About... childhood? - Hmm.

Dad needs help. He needs something that's like...

- performance enhancing. - Calf implants?

I've been a squeaky wheel on that one.

- No, like a... Oh! Come on. - I like Dad's skinny calves.

It's like his ankles just keep going.

You're up, Bob.

This mud isn't going to wallow itself.

- [sighs] - Hold on, Dad.

- Let's smarten you up a little. - Okay.

Tuck that shirt in.

Fluff up whatever cute little muscle is in there.

- I'm just doing a general dusting. - There.

Wow, Bob. I want to take you down to the mud wallow.

Um, so, I guess you like mud, huh?

I... I get it.

Uh, maybe we don't need to talk.

Oh. Uh... Um...

He might be attacking.

Can Bob outrun a tortoise?

Not in those shoes.

Oh. [grunts] And I fell in the mud.

Wait, what's happening?

Do... do you like me?

- Well, look at that. - Turtle never done that.

No, he has not.

An animal likes me.

- Should I be jealous of that thing? - Ulysses has chosen!

- The winner is Bob! - Oh.

- Yay! - All right.

- He chose poorly. - We're getting a brother.

This tortoise queen is gonna saddle up!

Thanks for coming.

- Sorry you were all unworthy. - Ugh,

I guess I'll find something else to put in my scrotum.

You could have been the next Free Willy.

And sure, you could argue if Willy was ever free.

But you know what? He was rich. That's a rich whale.

I'm just gonna go to my tree house and research tortoise poison.

I mean, take a nap.

Calvin, why don't you come down and bag a rhino?

It's easy. I've got one with arthritis.

You could bag me, too.

[whispering] I've also got arthritis.

You make it sound very tempting.

Aw, Bobby, you're a turtle whisperer.

I know. The tortoise met three presidents, and it chose me, Lin.

So how long before we tell Dad that we put dandelion leaves

in his pocket before his tortoise date?

I mean, soon, right?

But also maybe never.

Look at him. He's glowing.

[Gene] What's that weird expression on Dad's face?

I've never seen it before.

- I think it's pride? - Oh.

It is time for turtle to take nap.

Too much stimulation. Except from boring snack ball.

Eh, I think he's gonna warm up to the snack ball.

I know what my boy likes.

Maybe he takes his nap later.

We're sort of doing this right now.

- Mmm, mmm. [grunts] - Ow!

Who peed on her Swedish meatball?

Oh, uh, she's been weird all day.

Bob, there are some legal documents to sign.

But the notary texted that he's running late.

Note to notary. Get a watch.

Might as well tell you now, Bob.

I wanted you all along.

You did? Why didn't you just ask me?

Because you would have said no.

That's why I filled out the contest with awful candidates.

So, your dopey family burger man decency

would kick in and you'd step up.

It was the simplest way, really.

- This was the simplest way? - Yep.

Take Ulysses into the solarium for the signing session, would you?

I'm gonna go change into my notarizing gloves. They're thumbless.

Dad, hoist me up.

The tortoise queen wants to take her steed for a spin.

He's not ours yet, Louise.

Also, I don't think you're supposed to sit on them.

You shouldn't sit on 'em.

Notary's here. Things are about to get inky.

- Christopher! - Hey, Christopher.

- Hi. - Hello.

Wait, you know each other? Poor people need things notarized?

No, he just dates our babysitter.

Christopher, you naughty notary.

I'm sorry I'm late. I just finished refinancing on a houseboat.

Pens were rolling everywhere.

Where's Inga? We need Ulysses' signature,

and she's good at getting him to lift his foot.

She has to be to floss his toes.

Uh, maybe I can help since he trusts me so much.

Uh-uh. Slow your roll, Bob.

Inga! [whistles]

Uh, she's probably sulking in her room.

- Why would she be sulking? - We just had a fight.

She said she changed her mind

and she did want to be Ulysses' guardian after all.

What? I hope you said no

'cause I won fair and square.

Um, sure you did.

She also told me that the contest

was a dumb way to decide, which was very hurtful.

No, no, it was scientific.

She told me she decided that Ulysses was important to her.

Oh, boy. Uh, Dad...

But I think she's after the stipend.

I think she's a shell digger.

- Dad... - A shell digger.

- Dad, look in your pocket. - Huh? Why?

- What are these? - Dandelion leaves.

- Oh. - That's why Ulysses came to you.

Like how he put Skittles in your pocket to get Gene to like you.

- Mmm-hmm. - [chuckles]

I don't think that was it.

Ulysses...

Ulysses, come here.

Come to me. [breathing heavily]

Ulysses, please come to me right now.

- Oh, Bob. - Ulysses.

- Uh, Bob. - I'm calling your name.

- Now you're just begging. - Wait, Lin. Ulysses.

- It's getting sad. - He's thinking about it.

- Oh, he's pooping. - A really special one, though.

Show off.

- Inga. - Oh, she's not here.

- Good eye, Mom. - There's a note.

"I fly to Sweden tonight.

Is lingonberry season.

They always need pickers.

And stompers if you've got feet for it.

Hurts too much to stay knowing mustache man

will one day take turtle away from me."

It doesn't make sense. I thought Inga hated the tortoise.

- [gasps] She did a Clueless. - A what?

Like how Alicia Silverstone didn't like Paul Rudd

till he was about to be with someone else,

and then she knew she was in love with her step brother.

Seriously? That was in Clueless?

God bless the '90s.

"Please give turtle my ottoman, so he can keep make sex with it."

Aw. "Also, Mr. Calvin, I mix up your special sleepy-time cocktail.

Is in fridge. And your wakey-time powder is in pantry.

- In box marked cocaine." - Oh, good!

Ulysses belongs with Inga. She deserves him.

- Yeah. - This is all my fault.

Well, it's mostly your fault, kids. And Mr. Fischoeder,

your fault for doing all of this. And... not my fault at all?

You got very into it very quickly.

You said you were getting a tortoise tattoo.

Yeah, I did say that.

So Inga's leaving.

- I know what I have to do. - [Bob] Good.

- Hire another Inga. - Wait, what? No!

Yes. There's a service. See?

Done. One's on their way.

No, Mr. Fischoeder. Cancel the new Inga.

You have to go to the airport to stop original Inga from getting on the plane.

Oh, fine, but I'm only bringing her back to do a final poop sweep.

Inga, bring the car around right now...

Oh! Right. Hmm, how do I get my car?

[sighs] Do you have the keys? Keys. Say more.

- Car keys. - Uh--

The keys to your-- Forget it. We'll take mine.

- Fine. - And I'll wait here on this comfy ottoman.

Gene, don't sit on that!

- Come on. We gotta move. - Oh, dear.

[stuttering] Was this car in a war that we lost?

I know, it's not very nice. [sighs]

Hopefully, we're not too late. I mean, how are we ever gonna find her and--

- Oh, there she is. - Ugh,

we could have walked here. I got in this horrible car for nothing.

Huh, It doesn't look like there are enough chairs,

so, I guess one of us should sit on the tortoise. I'll do it.

Keep off him, Louise. It's his birthday.

Ooh, better idea.

Tortoise queen chariot!

I guess that's okay.

Whoa-ho-ho! We're on the go!

Guys, better move if you don't want to be trampled.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Phew.

My lance!

Ulysses, take me to something lanceable.

Come on, kids.

We better make sure she doesn't go into traffic.

- The slow lane. - [Louise] Hey!

I'll stay here and keep the ink pad moist.

Sorry, I have to bill another hour.

It's nine dollars.

Inga, you're still here.

I wait for ride-share to airport. App keeps saying two minutes.

Um, Mr. Fischoeder, do you have something to say to Inga?

Yes. Inga. Where are the car keys?

What? No. Inga, Ulysses didn't pick me.

My kids cheated. He should be with you.

So Bob is bad. Bad Bob. No hard feelings except against Bob.

- Mmm-mmm. - And Inga,

I'll generously let you un-quit and come back.

- No! Still quit! - Are you Inga?

Uh, hold on. She needs a minute.

Okay, but the app only lets me wait three minutes

and then it vibrates and stuff.

Here, every day is like "Is turtle okay?

Does poop look nice?"

In Sweden, no worries. Stomp lingonberries,

drink a lingonberry wine,

sleep in lingonberry wagon.

Inga, we know you care about Ulysses.

You asked to keep him.

[stutters] You Clueless-ed?

Do you mean when Alicia Silverstone discovers she love Paul Rudd?

- Yes, exactly. - Me wanting turtle was a mistake.

I see now, is too much.

I go Sweden. Live lingonberry life.

Inga, you can pretend you don't care,

that you have this thick shell if you will.

- Oh, really, Bob? Her shell? - Shush.

Inga, you do care.

[Linda] Hey, you found Inga!

- All hail the tortoise queen! - Is he coming to me?

Oh, my God, he's coming to me.

And... never mind.

I put bag in trunk.

Uh, let me help you with that. Oh, you got it? Oh, okay.

Go ahead, Inga, leave. For your so called "Sweden".

I'll be fine. So will Felix.

- No! - You won't be fine, Mr. Fischoeder.

You're too proud to admit it, but you need Inga.

And, Inga, I think you need the tortoise,

and the tortoise needs the ottoman?

- The math is weird. - But beautiful.

So, Inga, what do you say, hon?

- Oh, she's getting in the car. - Inga, wait.

Bob's right. Please stay.

You're the only one who can put Felix to bed.

And I want you to stay.

And I hid your passport.

- Okay, I stay. - [all cheer]

Oh, you got that? Okay, good.

Oh, thank God.

I'm gonna go to the airport anyway. What the hell.

- Money raise. - Fine. Money raise.

- Second ottoman. - Second ottoman.

- Wakey-time powder for Inga? - Wakey-time powder

- for everyone! - [kids cheer]

- No, no. - No!

[Christopher] I hereby pronounce this document notarized.

You may clean your thumb and foot.

Oh, I'm so happy for them.

It is really beautiful.

[sighs] So we're out one tortoise.

Tell me more about that panther.

Total cuddle muffin when tranquilized.

Um, pass.

[Mr. Fischoeder] There's also a chimp in a fedora

- around here someplace. - [Gene] Go on.

♪ She's the turtle queen ♪

♪ Chariot pulled by her turtle steed ♪

♪ Not in a hurry, got no need for speed ♪

♪ They wait for you when you're the turtle queen ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Look who is passing by ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Likes to take her time ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ If it takes you a while to bow down ♪

♪ You can take your time ♪

♪ She's the turtle queen ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪