Original subtitles

Your mom is loaded.

Stepmom. Hello? Is anyone home?

Unless your mom likes dark and quiet, I think she's out.

Stepmom. I say we relax and wait for her to come home. She could be gone for

hours. Whatever.

Knowing her, she can be gone for weeks.

Even better.

Zach.

That's right. Say my name.

Asshole. Oh, talk dirty.

Love it.

Zach, are we going to do this whole dog and heeking again?

Well, Mommy's away. Zachy will play.

I thought we got past the stage.

What stage?

The humping my legs stage.

Oh, I haven't even gotten started yet.

What if she comes home?

You said it yourself.

She could be gone for hours.

Zach, this is weird. In my mom's place?

Stepmom.

Mmm.

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just, ever since we got back together, it's been... Great. Yeah,

know.

Great and not great.

Like, sex has been constant, and it's like you need... Constant sex. Yeah, I

know. No.

Reaffirmation or reassurance.

Reaffirm what?

I don't even know what that is.

It's just constant, and I don't know if it's ever going to change.

Change?

Ah, change.

No problem, baby. I know something that's really going to change this up.

Where's your mom's kitchen?

Stepmom, and it's that way. Great.

Karen?

Mom! I mean, stepmom. Shit.

What are you doing here?

Well, uh...

I wanted to introduce you to my new boyfriend, Zach.

Well, he's not really my new boyfriend. We broke up over spring break, but you

weren't home, so, uh... I can guess the rest.

And on my leather sofa.

I'm going to have to have that cleaned now.

Where is this Zach, anyway?

Hey, Karen, you said you wanted to change things up, so...

Oh. Oh, hi, Karen's mom. It's a pleasure to,

uh... Stepmom.

What exactly were you planning on doing with that egg whisk?

Oh, well, there's a thing in Cambodia where you... Karen, can I talk to you?

I'm sorry about Zach. He gets a little carried away.

Yeah, this isn't about Zach.

He's a really nice guy.

Oh, I'm sure he is.

Despite the fact that he stole my jello, and I'm pretty sure what he was

planning on doing with that egg whisk was incredibly unhygienic.

Oh, I'm sure he's lovely in his own way.

But this is about you, me, and your father.

What about us?

You've never been poor before, have you?

Your father was already a wealthy man when you were born.

So? So you don't know what it's like.

I do.

Before I met your father. Before you stole him from my mother. Before that, I

was poor.

Collecting coupons, living off welfare, the whole nine yards.

And what does this have to do with me?

We're going to be poor again.

Your father's met somebody.

Oh, good.

Not good.

Very bad.

An ex -porn star named Mamrie Lane.

She used her skills and assets to get herself wrapped around your father's

little pinky.

Well, he's never had the best taste.

She wants to marry him without a prenup and take him to the cleaners.

And how do you know this? Because that's what she does.

Mamrie Lane's the one that married that 85 -year -old billionaire.

Well, she would have if he hadn't died walking to the altar.

Oh, yeah, I remember reading about that.

Mamrie Lane.

Look her up on the Internet if you want to see what your father sees in her.

Gross. No thanks.

Too late. I already have.

Well, if you've been wondering how your father's been doing, this is what he's

been doing.

The infamous memory lane.

Why go down memory lane when memory lane will go down on you?

It's your catchphrase.

It gets worse.

Those are like eighth and ninth wonders of the world. Well, if you like that

kind of thing.

Wait till she lies back.

You'll see the grand king.

I, uh...

So we've got a few weeks until your father's money is gone.

Well, we'll have to get jobs.

Unless... Unless what?

Our only hope of not being poor is to find a rich man.

Well, I'm not like that. You've never had to be like that.

So tell me, how do you really, really feel about Zach?

I mean, if you really love him, then work in two dead -end jobs.

will seem like a holiday.

Oh. And living in a rat -infested shoebox?

Well, that will feel like a mansion.

And standing in line at the welfare office?

Well, that will be a grand adventure.

Oh. That is, if you really love him.

Oh. Karen, do you really, really love Zach?

No. No.

Zach. No, he must have hurt us.

Karen, I know this is hard.

Yeah, but I can't just let it end like this.

What, you've got a better way in mind?

To end this dead -end relationship?

This one -way ticket to the poorhouse?

Without hurting Zach?

Then you go right ahead.

You'll thank me, I promise. Thank you for what? For breaking his heart? For

getting you out of this predicament. Which is what?

I'm enrolling you in school.

What?

I'm the principal. In fact, I'm the entire faculty.

Oh, okay. And what school is this?

Cougar College.

I am way too young to be a cougar. Sure, for now.

Let's get you a head start. Think of it as extra credits.

Where are we going?

To the hunting ground.

To the hunting ground, my dear.

So now we wait for our prey.

And what does our prey look like?

Rich, bored, lonely, and horny.

Great.

If they're all four, then it's great.

Not those ones.

Never hunt them when they're in a pack.

We're looking for a man who's alone with only his wallet to keep him company.

Oh, how romantic.

There he is, the prey.

How do you know this?

Let's don't drive up.

Jaguar X5 Silver.

And look at those shoes.

He's obviously got money and nobody to spend it on.

So sad, all that money wasting away in his bank account.

And no one to love spending it. Yeah, you're breaking my heart. So tell me,

do you do now?

Darling, so naive.

Now is when the cougar strikes.

Hi.

Hi. I don't mean to bother. No, don't bother.

If you were expecting someone. No, nobody.

Please. I'm James Milton III.

And can I ask, what do you do?

I'm in the swimming pool business.

Oh, really? I love swimming pools.

I mean, I love to get wet.

What can I get you?

Susan! Karen?

What are you doing here? I'm going to school.

What?

Don't wait up for me.

Well... Looks like school just got out for the day.

Wasn't that your stepmom?

No comment.

Anyway, what are you doing? What? It's been like five years since we've seen

each other. Yeah, since we were counselors at that camp together, right?

Lake. Man, that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Yeah, you know, they closed that place then.

So what are you doing here? Weren't you traveling the world? That was your

dream, right?

Did that.

Turns out the world's round, so I ended up back here. How was it?

Oh, the trip out was amazing.

I met this really great guy while I was traveling through Mexico, Juan.

He was so wonderful, and we had so many great adventures together.

I've never felt so in love.

But then?

Then there was the trip back, and it was not so amazing, and Juan was not so

wonderful. Oh, no. We had a lot of mishaps, and...

I think I just fell out of love.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I really thought he was going to be the one.

And it turned out he was just the one.

Yeah. So what happened to him? Oh, he works in the back. He washes dishes

Oh, cool. So are you guys friends at least? Oh, yeah. We'll be friends

Just not lovers. Not anymore.

So you're in the swimming pool business, huh?

Uh...

And business is good? Oh, it's never been better.

How's your turnover?

Huge. I like the sound of that.

Whoa, you don't waste any time, do you? Nope.

And that's how you got to the top of your business?

Yeah. Oh.

must be rich.

Stepmom.

Are you sure your mom won't mind us staying here?

Stepmom. And no, she won't mind.

She's too busy pulling her How to Marry a Millionaire bit.

Oh, well, we won't need to stay long, you know, just until we get our first

paycheck from the bar.

Oh, no, stay as long as you guys like, really.

I mean, that is, until we lose this place.

Lose it? Why would you lose it? Well, it's my father's place, and he's about

lose it. In fact, He's about to lose everything.

Why?

He's about to fall into the Grand Canyon.

What?

No, there's this gold digger, and she's got her claws in him.

He's going to marry her, and she's going to take everything he's got.

Oh, no.

She's this ex -adult film star named Mamma Elaine.

My stepmom showed me some of her work.

Really? And what's she like?

Well, she's never going to drown. I'll put it that way.

She's absolutely amazing.

What? Yeah.

So I've seen a few movies.

Guys, all the same.

I think she's a great actress. I mean, she really gets into character.

Yeah, sure.

The next Meryl Streep of porn.

Except now, she's into a whole new type of acting.

Audience of one. My dad.

Lucky man.

Anyway, my stepmom is on the hunt for a new sugar daddy. That's why she brought

me to the bar the other night to show me the ropes.

Cougar college, she called it.

Cougar? You're far too young to be a cougar. That's what I said.

I mean, give it ten years or so.

Twenty, like twenty years.

Anyway, so it looked like your stepmom was doing fine when she left the bar.

Yeah, she won't be back until the morning.

Thank you.

Hey, I think your cell phone's on hold.

Oh, uh, hello, sir. How are you?

No, no, I've been away for a while. Uh,

uh, today.

You're coming back early. That's really great, sir.

Um, no, no, I put, uh, I put fresh chlorine in it yesterday, sir.

And I skimmed the leaves. Yeah.

Right away, sir. Okay. No, I'll see you then, sir.

All right. Good. Goodbye.

Swimming pool business, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

I thought you owned a company that sells and installs them.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, but instead... I clean them. Yeah.

And this house belongs... It's my boss's. Yeah.

The clothes, the car. Yeah, they're his.

Well,

at least the sex was good.

You're not going to tell him, are you?

That I fell for it? Yeah, I don't think I'll mention it.

You know, I really thought that you were on Forbes magazine's top 500 riches

list.

Honey, I can't even afford to be on their mailing list.

So let me guess. You need me to get out of here before your boss comes in?

Actually, yeah. Yeah. I do.

Okay.

You're not mad?

I'm mad. But I said the sex was good.

And maybe I deserve it.

Really? Well, I was using you because I thought that you were rich.

You know, maybe Karen's right.

Maybe I've got to grow up and face the music.

Who's Karen?

My daughter. My stepdaughter.

Thanks, Karen.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, hey, how did it go?

Oh, don't ask.

So, did you get, uh... Are you having a party?

Oh, I invited them to stay. This is Susan, my friend from summer camp.

And this is Juan, her traveling companion.

Is that okay? I wanted to ask, but, you know, you were out.

Sure.

They can stay as long as we can stay.

Mom seems a little upset.

Stepmom.

So, how does it feel?

Why don't you see for yourself?

Hello.

Hi.

My name is Juan.

Pleased to meet you.

Um, would you like to go swim with us in the swimming pool?

I do not want to hear the word swimming pool mentioned for a while.

So, does this remind you of anything?

Instead of a pool, it was Crystal Lake.

Instead of our bathing suits, we were... Oh, yeah.

Our beauty dipping adventure. Yeah. I remember.

Oh, I never forgot.

Or what happened afterwards.

Back in the cabin.

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah.

I've been thinking about us. The time we shared, you know?

Yeah. We were young and experimenting.

Yeah. Have you done any more experimenting with any other girls?

Well, there was this one girl.

Emmanuelle. Well, I thought that was her name.

I also thought she was French.

Oh, she sounds interesting.

But was she as interesting as me?

You know, I don't know if I'm really a, you know... A lesbian?

Yeah, I was experimenting.

Oh, I know. I was too, but maybe my experiment isn't over.

I'm sorry I'm late.

So what's the problem?

Well, you're one of Karen's friends, right? I thought maybe you could help me

out. Okay, so start at the beginning. Tell me what problem you have.

I'm not rich.

Huh?

And, well, Karen's mom... Staff mom.

Right. She wants Karen to be with someone who's rich because she doesn't

her to be poor.

And she asked Karen if she loved me enough to work two jobs and be on

and Karen said no.

Wow. So I was thinking, you're rich.

Maybe you could help me to be rich, too.

Ah, so you'd like me to make you rich like I am.

Exactly.

Would you like me to give you all my money?

Oh, you'd do that for me?

No. Oh.

Well, maybe you could tell me your secrets. You know, like secret rich

secrets?

Like what?

Well, like what's the best way to be rich?

Well, there is the best way to be rich.

Okay, well, what is it? The absolute best way is to be born into a rich

You know, like a rich dad, rich mother.

It's easy.

Okay,

well, what's the second best way?

Well, you can invent something.

You know, like those plastic tips on the end of shoelaces.

Facebook.

Personal calculator.

Yeah, but those have already been invented, haven't they?

Yeah. I was using those as an example.

Oh. So you have to invent something else.

Something new.

That would be about it. You know, something new. That's why they call it

invention. Oh.

Right.

Okay, what's the third best way?

You need to make quick money, right? Yeah, I do.

And there's nothing that you wouldn't do?

No, I wouldn't. All right, then you need to get into the cougar market.

The what?

All right.

I know my mother isn't into it, but some of her friends are. They pay huge money

for company.

Okay. What kind of a company?

They want sex.

All right? No strings attached.

Younger men.

They pay big money.

Oh.

You said there was nothing you wouldn't do.

Oh, I need money if I'm going to impress Karen.

Oh, fine. Just don't let her know where the money came from.

And you can hook me up with one of these gigs? Yeah.

I can give some of my mother's friends a call, and I'll hook you up.

Cool.

I think.

Oh, it still bothers you that your girlfriend... Ex -girlfriend.

Yeah, right, but it still bothers you.

That she's with your daughter?

Stepdaughter.

Right, well, as long as she's happy.

That is so unselfish of you.

That's funny you should say that.

Halfway around our world trip together, she said that I was selfish.

I'm sorry.

Wow. What was that?

A scream or was it... Orgasm.

Well, let's hope so. If not, we should be calling 911.

Yeah.

What's wrong? You seem a little worried.

I made a fool of myself last night.

Oh, we've all done that.

Yeah, I'll chase this man.

I had all the wrong reasons and then it turned out to be the wrong guy.

I'm getting old.

No.

Losing my touch.

I doubt that.

Karen and I are going to lose everything.

The money, the house, our security.

Well, that's not everything.

I'd say my self -respect.

I lost that last night.

So... Why are you going to lose everything?

Mac's husband is Karen's stepfather.

He's making the biggest mistake of his life.

Ugh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Why would you want to go down memory lane when memory lane can go down on

Are you going to say that every time?

Well, yes. It's my catchphrase.

Fine.

Well, I don't know.

We never really talked about that. The prenup.

No teeth.

No teeth.

Tom, I'm going to call you back.

Okay. Bye.

What'd you do that for?

It's that word prenup. I hate it so much it makes my jaws clench up.

Well, I'm not going to say that again.

Well, it's better. Now let me go finish what I started.

Actually, I'm good.

I'm okay.

Maybe a little ice.

I guess it's time to face the music.

What music?

All my life I've gotten what I wanted with my looks.

But I guess they're fading now.

No.

No way.

You're just the sweetest guy.

Sweetest. No.

I just think you're beautiful. Really.

You're so sweet.

Nah.

Sweet isn't life for you because I'm selfish.

How are you selfish?

I see what I want and I go get it.

Even if you hurt someone?

Yeah. This

is

crazy. You're not even Ritz.

Nope. And you're my daughter's name.

Stepdaughter.

Wow, that was quick.

Yeah, they're busy down there.

Poor Juan.

You know, sometimes I think I was too harsh on him on our trip.

Mm -hmm. I said he was selfish, but maybe he was just being honest and

his nature.

Mm -hmm.

So what were they doing down there?

Oh, nothing. You know, just following their nature.

What?

Your mom?

Dad's mom.

Yeah, but still.

I was on my way to get a glass of water, but I didn't want to interrupt, so... I

mean, they are both single.

Yeah, definitely.

Wait a minute.

You're not jealous, are you?

No. No, not at all.

Well, you're not a selfish lover at all.

Maybe you should mention that to Susan. Yeah, or not.

Oh, or not.

Wake up. Wake up. Come on. Get up. You've got to get moving. Get out of

You've got to get up. Daddy's here. I know.

Anybody home?

What are you doing?

Covering your ass.

What are you doing here?

Daddy.

Daddy.

Who's that?

My friend.

My friend won.

Special friend.

Spare me the details.

Back to my original question. What are you doing here?

Oh, you mean in the house that I still own?

Yes. I need to talk to you.

Fine. Let's talk.

Outside.

I know.

Exactly what I was thinking.

I don't know if you know it or not, but I'm in a relationship.

Do you want to call it that?

With a wonderful woman. With a colorful past.

As a respected actress.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Respected, yes.

So things have progressed, and I... You're getting married.

Yes.

Congratulations.

Thank you. And you'll be needing to sell this house.

To keep her in the lifestyle and the manner she's accustomed to?

Yeah. Because bras that big cost a lot of money.

No need to be that way.

Sorry.

How long do we have?

We're getting married at the end of the month.

Wow.

I'm sorry it had to be this way.

Are you happy?

Yes. Does she love you?

Yes. Yeah, but does he love you for you and not just your money?

Yes.

That whole 90 -year -old billionaire thing was a long time ago.

She's changed.

Good. Besides, most of that was bad reporting in the media anyway.

I can see how that can be misconstrued.

Exactly.

Well then, if you love her and she loves you... Yes.

I'm happy for you.

Would you like to meet her?

I feel like I already have.

The Internet, it's a great new invention.

Right. Well...

She's going to be in town tonight. I can't make it.

She'll be having dinner and drinks at the bar.

I'm sure she would love some company.

Oh, great.

She's dying to meet you, so pop on by if you have a chance.

Daddy, is it true that you are... Yes.

The wedding is at the end of the month.

And I would like for you to be the maid of honor.

Oh, wow.

Okay. She's going to be at the bar tonight, so that gives us the perfect

opportunity to meet her.

Really? Cool.

Go back to sleep.

Well, I better be going. I need to see a realtor about putting this place back

on the market.

Terrific.

I'm sorry that this is so sudden for you two.

Hey, who are we to stand in the way of true love?

That's really nice of you.

You surprise me sometimes.

Is that right?

You know, I can't help but think if we could have just maybe made it work.

Maybe we still can.

I'm getting married at the end of the month.

Right. I'm the happiest man in the world. I hope to see you two at my big

You too.

Whatever your name is.

Juan, please.

Right.

Okay, we have a chance to save your father from making the biggest mistake

his life.

And how are we going to do that? How bad do you all want to meet Mamrie Lane?

This is local. This is crazy.

This is insane.

I'm not even a good actor.

Neither are you. You've seen her movies.

Oh, we need something for his head.

We could use a cloth from the kitchen.

A cloth?

Really?

I know this is weird, and it's not going to be easy.

It's a long shot, but it is the only shot we've got.

We need your help. Please help us.

Okay.

What was I supposed to say my father's name was again?

You know, I was pretty surprised when Marjorie called me. Marjorie?

Yeah, she was the one that originally hired you.

But her husband gave himself a hernia lifting the lawnmower in the garage.

So she had to cancel.

Oh.

But... Lucky for me, my husband is away on business all the time.

So... Right.

Right.

You seem a little nervous.

Oh, I've never done this before.

You're a virgin?

No, no. I'm just not on a professional basis.

Oh. Well, honey, there's nothing to worry about.

You see, you get paid, you get laid. It's the easiest job in the world.

Easiest job in the world. Yeah, I tell you what.

I'll lead. You follow.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

I'll see you then.

Excuse me. Are you Mamrie Lane?

I sure am. Oh, I'm a big fan.

Can I get your autograph?

Sure. Do you have something I could write it on? Oh, no.

Maybe we could use a napkin or something over there.

Oh, that tickles.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, wow.

That is the firstborn son of the Sultan of Brunei.

The Sultan of Brunei?

The Sultan of Brunei. He's the richest man in the world.

Look, everyone is staring at him. They cannot believe he's here.

He owns, like, all of the oil fields in the Middle East.

Oil groves and fields?

The Sultan is very old, like 102.

And when he dies, his firstborn son inherits everything.

Everything?

How much is that?

One hundred trillion dollars.

That sounds like a lot. Oh, it's a lot.

I'd try my luck, but I hear he only likes women with large personalities.

I've got large personalities.

Yeah, but I heard you were already engaged, so... No, no, not anymore.

Well, I heard you were in love with a really great guy.

Well, he's nice and he's got money and he treats me well.

Oh, good. You're fine then. You don't need to go chasing after rich men. Not

even the firstborn son of the Sultan of Brunei.

Wait a minute now. I just said that he's nice and he's got money, but he sure

ain't the saltine of the son of that guy that owns all those oil fields in the

middle of Earth or wherever he used to head.

Yeah, but if it's true love...

Honey, there's no such thing.

Excuse me.

Well, she went for it.

You think she bought it?

Honey, I've had goldfish that were smarter.

Hi. Hi.

Are you really the son of that man that owns all them fields of oil in, um,

Brune... Brunswick?

Yeah, I am.

I mean, my father is the sole attendant.

Well, I'm very glad to meet you.

The eagle has landed.

If boobs were brains, she'd be a genius.

Lucky for us, she's not.

Now, can Juan get us to phase two?

He better, because that hotel room costs us most of the money we have left.

So, what do we do now?

Do we cuddle?

Do we talk?

Now you leave.

Just like that?

Don't you get it? I'm not actually paying you for sex.

I'm paying you to leave.

Oh, come on.

What's wrong?

I mean, you did just fine, considering it was your first time. I don't know. I

just didn't think it'd be like this. I didn't think it'd be so... Cold.

I don't mean to be cold. I'm just being honest.

Well, Randall didn't say it'd be like this.

Wait a minute.

You know Randall?

Yeah. He's a friend of mine, or friend of Karen's. He set me up with the job.

Randall set you up with this?

Oh, no.

He called Marjorie, and Marjorie canceled, and she called me.

Oh, no.

What?

He didn't tell me that he knew about this, about what Marjorie does.

Okay.

What's the problem?

Randall is my son.

Okay, you know what?

You can't, you cannot tell him about this. You cannot tell him. This is our

secret. Oh, of course, yeah.

Here, just take this.

This is our secret, okay?

Oh, believe me, I won't tell him.

Okay, you need to go.

Okay.

I cried out loud.

Dang. I think my father has it.

Karen!

Was that guy wearing your mom's curtains?

It's a long story.

And was that a towel on his head?

That's my friend, Juan.

Why does he look like Lawrence of Arabia's gay younger brother?

Again, it's a long story.

What are you doing here?

It's a long story.

Well, that's a nice suit.

Yeah, Randall lent it to me.

Oh, I didn't even know that you and Randall knew each other.

Well, turns out I know his mom.

Is he a real sultan?

Yeah. Have you ever been with an American girl before?

No. Oh.

This is going to be your first time.

Yeah? Okay.

Tell me something.

Huh?

Yeah? You ready?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You ready for some action?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Why are you here? And don't tell me it's just a long story.

Okay. So my father is about to marry ex -porn star Mamrie Lane, who's a gold

digger, and she's going to take him for every penny he's got, which will mean

that me and my stepmother will be poor, which is why I stupidly panicked and

told you that I didn't love you when I probably do. And now we're out to prove

that Mamrie Lane is a heartless gold digger and stop my dad from making the

biggest mistake of his life.

My friend Juan is pretending to be the son of the Sultan of Brunei, and we're

going to get pictures of them together.

And then my father will realize how much of a fool he's been. And then

everything will be back to the way it was.

Okay, that was a long story.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I mean, Frisella.

Who? Yeah.

Thank you.

The camera's not working.

Yeah, well, that's my boyfriend in there.

So, why are you here?

Well, I was trying to make money because I want to get you back.

Oh, Zach, that's so sweet.

Well, I didn't tell you how I was making money.

That doesn't even matter. After I treated you like such a bitch, I'm

you'd even want to be back with me.

Okay.

Hi.

Gotcha. Are you a fan?

Yeah, wow.

It's the only word that comes to mind when you see her naked.

Wow.

Well, I guess you saved me from making a pretty terrible mistake.

Now, what's the next wife for?

It's been a strange few days.

Tell me about it.

Just don't tell Randall about it.

I've done a lot of growing up. I mean, watching people trade love for money,

it's just not right.

At the end of the day, you just got to follow your heart.

Where's your heart leading you?

To bed with you.

You know, seeing you help last night and

really put yourself on the line, I think you proved to me that you're not so

selfish after all.

Did you see those things I could have suffocated?

I'll make you forget all about her.

That is.

Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Love is in the air.

Yeah.

Give it some time. See what happens. Exactly.

Is that season one?

Wow.

And I thought we were making double the usual noise.

What? I guess that kind of passion's for the young, really.

Mm -hmm.

I mean, we're older now.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah. A little wiser. You know, we don't have to give in to those kind of

passions anymore.

Mm -hmm.

Right. Wisdom of age, really.

Yeah. Talks me into it.

Thank you.