All language subtitles for How.to.Lose.Friends.&.Alienate.People.2008.720p.BluRay.Rus.Eng.HDCLUB

WOMAN OVER TV: Supposing Queen
Elizabeth had been misguided enough...

...to marry an English commoner,
Janet.

I'm sorry, Miss Fox,
I didn't quite hear.

You are immersed in problems
of far greater significance...

...than Elizabeth's foreign policy.

But these mental....

SIDNEY: / used to think
there was a special place...

...where all the movie stars lived...

...a kind of Shangri-la...

...and if you could just get inside there,
you'd be happy forever.

CROWD APPLAUDING

All these years later, I'm finally inside.

I've made it to Shangri-la.

My name's Sidney Young.

I'm a celebrity correspondent,
a journalist, a friend to the stars.

Yeah, that� That isn't me.

This is me at the Apollo Film Awards
in L.A. this year.

That's my Armani tuxedo.

That's an Omega Speedmaster Pro watch
I'm wearing.

That's the actress Sophie Maes.

Last night, she told me
she'd let me have sex with her...

...if she won the Best Actress award.

INAUDIBLE
Sophie Maes.

SIDNEY: Oh, she just won
the Best Actress award.

My life didn't use to be like this.

BAFTA AWARDS
LONDON

SIDNEY: Only a year ago,
my alternative magazine...

...The Post Modern Review,
was on the ropes.

/ needed a big celebrity scoop...

...to save me from bankruptcy
and humiliation.

But there was one problem:

To cross the thin red line that separates
the looky-loos from the stars...

...you had to be famous.

-Babe?
-Babe 3, yeah.

But he hasn't got any ID.

How many pigs are coming tonight?

What do you want me to do?
Leave him here with you? That's fine.

No, no, no, you cannot leave him here.
I've got a� Hmm. Oh.

If you're positive
you're supposed to....

WOMAN: Well, well....
-Oh.

Sidney Young.

Well, well,
clipboard Nazi-type woman.

-The pig doesn't get in.
-What about me?

I was talking about you.

Plan B, if you couldn't crash
the award ceremonies...

...you had to get into
one of the after-show parties.

HOTEL HAYMARKET
SHARPS MAGAZINE PARTY

Of these, the most exclusive
was the Sharps Magazine party...

...hosted by legendary editor
Clayton Harding.

Here, the A list could finally relax...

...safe in the knowledge
that no looky-loo...

...would book a room in one of London's
most expensive hotels...

...just to be close to them.

PIG GRUNTING

Okay, Kevin,
I want you in bed by 10:00, okay?

And no porn.

SNORTING

SIDNEY: When I'm in L.A.,
I like to stay at the Chateau.

Where else? Heh-heh.

And then when I'm in London, I always
like to stay here at the Haymarket.

It's got to the point now when I�

I don't feel at home
unless I'm in a hotel.

-Do you know what I mean?
-What is that you do?

I'm a writer. I'm a movie writer.

-Oh, great.
-Heh-heh-heh.

PIG GRUNTING

Hello? Sir?

Is everything all right?

SNORTING

You have the most amazing cheekbones.
Have you had plastic surgery at all?

-No, have you?
-Me? No, just a�

Well, penis reduction when I was a kid.
Otherwise, nothing.

BOTH LAUGHING

-Whoo-hoo-hoo. Oh.
-You are too much.

-I am, aren't I?
-I love it. What was your name again?

It's Clark. Clark Baxter.

How do you do?

SIGHS

Your little mustache.

PEOPLE CHATTERING

Oh, shit.

SNORTING

Sarah, get Security.
Sidney Young got in.

Who's Sidney Young?

Oh, fuck.

WOMAN GASPS

SIDNEY:
Plan C, keep a low profile...

...and leave as unobtrusively
as possible.

How To Lose Friends
and Alienate People

OFFICES OF
POST MODERN REVIEW

PHONE RINGING

Can you get that?

RINGING CONTINUES

Can you get the phone, please?

GEORGE: My stupid�?
Your stupid fucking article, right?

I wouldn't give you the honor�

At The Post Modern Review...

...we believe that celebrity
is a text to be deconstructed.

We don't hate celebrities.
Apart from Costner, obviously.

-I am�
-A girl.

�an internationally respected
academic and�

Prick.

Answer the phone.
What do I pay you for?

You don't pay me.

Answer the phone.

GEORGE: I am�
-A fuckwit.

Hello, Post Modern Review.

If she doesn't apologize, I'm quitting.

Apologize, okay? George can't leave.

-Why can't George leave?
-He owns the fax machine.

-What?
-It's....

It's Sharps Magazine.

-We're finished.
-We're not finished.

-If they say we're finished�
-Give me the phone.

Shut up. Be quiet.

Sidney Young.

CLAYTON: This is Clayton Harding,
editor of Sharps Magazine.

Ah. Lord Vader.

CLAYTON:
/ saw you at my party...

...just before you ruined it
with your little pig stunt.

Oh, you like that, did you?

CLAYTON:
Sure.

Especially liked the part...

...where Clint Eastwood
beat the shit out of you.

Yeah, you listen to me,
I'm not scared of you, Harding, all right?

You can sue me if you like,
but, you know...

...it's like Jimmy Stewart said,
you know:

MIMICS STEWART
"Oh, yeah, you sit up there...

...and you spin your little webs...

...you think the whole world
revolves around you...

...and your money,
but it doesn't, Mr.� Mr.�

-Potter.
-Potter."

You could sue us, okay, but I warn you,
if you strike me down�

-Miss Johnson's here to see you.
-.../ will become more powerful.

Destroy me and a hundred men
will spring up in my place.

Men who care nothing for success.

Men who can't be bought.
Men who's only loyalty�

CLAYTON: I want you to come work
for me at Sharps Magazine in New York.

STAFF SHOUTING

GEORGE:
You motherfucker!

ALL:
Fight, fight, fight.

MAN:
Ooh. That's not coming out.

Can you say that again, please?

DRIVER:
Thanks, asshole.

Sorry.

Oh, fuck.

This magazine you're working for,
it is good?

Yeah, it's Sharps.

You know, Sharps Magazine...

...sort of high-society fashion, crime,
finance, Hollywood celebrities.

Hollywood? Hah.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Now everybody is celebrity.

You take out your breast,
you're celebrity.

I think it probably depends on
the breasts.

n Poland, someone was famous
because they done something.

Marie Curie, Pope John Paul.

They don't make entertainers
like that anymore.

Wise guy.

They brought your things yesterday.

SIDNEY:
Great, good. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

I like it, yeah. It's good.

I'll put my drums in the corner there.
Heh.

It's a joke.
They've just a little congas.

-When you start work?
-In the morning.

So you gotta be fresh.
Make a good impression.

Go to bed.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

Hmp.

TECHNO MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

Kona, please.

Make that two.

I'm Clark.

Clark Baxter.

It's nice to meet you. Cheers.

-What is this?
-That's a water, sir.

That's not right.
Put a bit of beer in it or something.

-Sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there.
-Is he?

He's fucking small, isn't he?

That's his White Russian.
He'll be here any second.

Excuse me,
can you reserve seats in this bar?

No.

I'm a journalist.

I work for a little periodical you might
have heard of, Sharps Magazine.

I'm the cultural editor. I�

This is a library card
from "Glow-chester."

Don't�
Well, it's the wrong one, isn't it?

I got it...

-Happy now?
-Just doing my bit for the gene pool.

SCOFFS

Who is that with Clint Eastwood?

Morgan Freeman.

No, in the headlock?

-You had this laminated?
-Give it to me.

-Oh, sorry, sorry.
-Shit.

Oh, no, no, no. No, just leave it.

All right, it's got� Okay, then.

It's pronounced "Gloucester,"
by the way.

-Are you gonna get off of that seat?
-No.

Do you know the meaning of karma?

The curry?

What goes around comes around.

The moment is approaching where
you'll pay the price for being an asshole.

And when my boyfriend gets here...

...I'm going to encourage him
to take you outside and�

CELL PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hi, honey.

Oh. All right. I'll see you then.

Boyfriend not coming?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

Do you think�? Do you think�?

Do you think I could have his drink?

-Oh, Bobbie.
BOBBIE: Hey.

-Do you want my seat? I'm just leaving.
-Oh, thanks.

Who do you think that is
with Clint Eastwood?

THE BEES' "CHICKEN PAYBACK"
PLAYING OVER STEREO

I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Why don't you put on something
a little more romantic?

GIGGLING

BOBBIE:
Whoo!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

MUSIC STOPS

-Mrs. Lebowski.
-Kowalski.

You know what time it is?

The music blaring, the door open.

Was it? Fuck.

I mean, sorry, shit. I mean, sorry.

I just ran into an old friend
and brought her back for a little....

Penis.

Aah!

ALARM CLOCK BLARING

Ah! Bloody....

You can do this.

You can do it.

You can do this. You so can do this.

Come on, Bob.

Quick cup of coffee,
then you've gotta go.

SIREN CHIRPING

SIDNEY:
This is my city.

This is my building.

This is my lobby.

These are my models.

This is my workplace.

And this is my boss.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Do you like it?

I've got you one, actually.

Thanks.

Next time you come dressed like that,
you follow the shirt, do you understand?

-Sit down. How was your flight?
-Yeah, it was good.

Thanks for the business-class tickets,
Clay.

That was a mistake.

-And don't call me Clay.
-Oh.

-Can we smoke?
-"We"? No.

Oh, my God.

You've seen that. Okay.

That was a little....

I'm actually�
I'm a big fan of your early funnier stuff.

Snipe magazine was really good.

SIDNEY CLEARS THROAT

You've actually
been a big influence on me...

...and I think together,
we can really inject...

...some of that Snipe spirit
into Sharps.

In fact,
I've got some ideas which you might�

You think you've arrived, don't you?

I hate to break it to you,
but you're only in the first room.

It's not nothing, don't get me wrong,
but it's not that great, either.

Believe me,
there are plenty of people in this town...

...who made it to first room
and didn't get further.

In about a year, maybe longer...

...you'll discover a secret doorway...

...at the back of the first room
that leads to the second.

And in time, if you're lucky...

...you'll discover another doorway
in the back that leads to the third.

There are seven rooms altogether.

You're in the first.

I'm in the seventh.

Don't you forget it.

Can I use the bathroom in the seventh?
Because the one in the first really smells.

Which leads us to the subject
of your sense of humor.

I had a look through
your magazine here.

-Oh, what did you think?
-Oh.

I thought it was kind of snarky...

...and bitter...

...and witless.

I'm gonna try you out
in the "I Spy" section.

You're gonna report
to Lawrence Maddox.

LAWRENCE:
Sidney, I know we've only just met...

...but I perceive I'm in the presence
of a rare comic sensibility.

Oh, thanks.

Harding wants me to be your rabbi,
show you the ropes.

WOMAN: Oh, Mr. Maddox.
-Are you aware what we do at "I Spy"?

You photograph famous people
when they're drunk.

-The nation's window into high society.
WOMAN: Pen.

Thank you.

The looky-loos read us because,
well, they weren't there.

The glitterati read us
because we tell them they were there.

For the system to work,
we have to know where there is.

So when we go out to clubs and stuff,
is that on expenses?

This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

When we go out, you're gonna have to
wear something suitable.

-What do you mean by "suitable"?
-Something that covers all this up.

Is that Mussolini?

No, Sidney.

That's Richard Heywood,
owner of this magazine.

CHUCKLES
Oh.

He does, doesn't he? Bit of a....
Ha-ha-ha.

Who's this funny-looking kid?
Is that his son?

That's his daughter Elizabeth
and my wife.

Really?

She's very:

Isn't she? She's got:

Babies are all like Mussolini,
aren't they?

Miss Olsen
takes care of book launches...

...gallery openings
and other intellectual fare.

Miss Olsen, would you find
our new rookie something to do?

I hear the cultural editor's job's
up for grabs.

Seeing as I'm gonna be sitting just there,
we should put last night behind us.

No. Now get off my desk.

Yeah, but I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing.

-Are you gonna help me out?
-Sure. Which way did you come in?

Ah.

SCOFFS

Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening.
Caption it.

Now get off my desk.

INGRID: Hi.
-Oh, hi, Ingrid.

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

This is Clark Baxter.

It's Sidney, actually. Sidney Young.
Clark Baxter's my alias, so....

-He's English.
INGRID: Oh.

Right.

LINE RINGING

WOMAN OVER PHONE: Hello?
-Hello, is it the Parsons Gallery?

Yes, it is.
This is Celia Parsons speaking.

Hi, this is Sidney Young
from Sharps Magazine.

We're running some photographs...

...from your opening
of the Chris Blick exhibition...

...and I've been asked
to caption them.

I wonder if you could help me
identify a few people.

-All right.
-Thanks.

Chris Blick, man or woman?

What?

Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?

Are you sure you're calling
from Sharps Magazine?

Yes, I am.

Then tell me, Stanley, why have they
given you this assignment...

...if you don't know who one of
the most famous artist in America is?

I don't know.

He's a man.

Great. Okay, is he an old man?

He's an older man, yes.

Because I've got two old men here.

Is he the fat one?

You do realize that Clayton Harding
is a personal friend of mine?

-What's that got to do with anything?
-Right.

LINE DISCONNECTS

SIGHS

PHONE DIALING

CELIA:
Parsons Gallery.

Is he the one with the wonky eye,
then?

LINE DISCONNECTS

WOMAN: Uhn.
-Oh. Heh.

It's fashion sensitive.

If you're not wearing Prada,
it will take your arm clean off.

But I am wearing Prada.

This place isn't what I expected.

What did you expect?

I don't know, like, the Algonquin Circle.
Dorothy Parker.

You know, martinis, quips.
Nobody here's drunk.

It's called being professional.
You should try it some time.

You gotta understand,
I'm not one of you.

-By "you" do you mean human?
-I mean one of the glossy posse.

Zombies writing about pets of the stars,
acting like they're working for the U.N.

I am here to shake things up.

Where are you from?

Not that it's any of your business,
but Port Huron, Michigan.

Ah. Small-town girl.

MIMICS HANNIBAL LECTER
I bet you couldn't wait to get out,

...get anywhere.
Get all the way to the NYC.

Silence of the Lambs.

Let me give you a bit of advice.
Don't take this celebrity fluff seriously.

ELEVATOR DINGS

You arrogant�

COUGHING

ELEVATOR DINGS

-Are you insane?
-What?

That was Lawrence Maddox's wife,
Elizabeth. Her father owns Sharps.

What, that was her?
The Mussolini baby.

-I could go back�
-Do not approach Elizabeth Maddox.

Do not talk to her,
don't make eye contact with her.

-You understand?
-Am I supposed to be afraid?

Yes.

I don't know the meaning of fear.

There are many words
you don't know the meaning of.

What does that mean?

When I think of all people
who'd kill to be where you are...

...you lumber in here, spitting food...

...haven't got the brains
God gave a mollusk.

-Why did Clayton hire you?
-Snipe magazine.

What?

Clayton started this magazine
called Snipe.

Just took down
all the self-important celebrities in town.

It was completely fearless.
Like my magazine, but 20 years earlier.

I am the young Clayton Harding.
That's why he hired me.

He looks at me
and he sees his glory days.

-His glory days?
-Yeah.

Sharps has won
over 14 national magazine awards...

...and increased its advertising pages
by 60 percent.

He makes millions of dollars a year...

...lives in Bank Street townhouse
and weekends in the Hamptons.

Harding is the lynchpins
of the media industrial complex.

Don't worry about that. I think
I might just be in time to save him.

PHONE RINGING

SIDNEY OVER MACHINE:
Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.

The answering machine is out of order.
The voice you are hearing is actually me.

What do you want?

MAN:
Sidney, are you there?

Sidney, it's your father.

If you're there, Sidney,
please answer the phone.

Sidney, are you there?

SIDNEY:
Wow, look at that.

Are you two texting each other?

LAUGHING

There's 100 grams of food here
and I think I'm the only one eating it.

-You want some?
-No.

-This place is a wall-to-wall tottie.
-Wall-to-wall what?

Tottie. You know, babes,
sexually attractive women.

-Do you mind?
-What?

MAN: Hey, Lawrence. How are you?
LAWRENCE: Hey.

I'm good. Good to see you.

All night long, people have been
treating us like royalty.

In London, the motto is
"everybody hates us and we don't care."

Now you're one of the priests
of what's hot and not.

I shouldn't even be here.
I get thrown out of places like this.

CELL PHONE RINGS

Lawrence Maddox? Oh, my goodness.

-Long time.
-Yeah.

Rachel.

Rachel, how are you?

Well, I'm wonderful, I'm just wonderful.
How are you?

You know,
it is so funny I should run into you.

I've just done this great little film.
It's called Five Burroughs.

It's low-budget, first-time directorial,
but it's really moving.

Hey, you know,
maybe you could do a little�

Vincent. Good to see you.

-Lawrence, right?
-Yeah.

-How are you, sir?
-Good.

-Good to see you.
-How's the picture?

Pretty close to perfect, if I can just get
all the experts to leave me alone.

I have screenings next week.
You should come by.

Hey, that was Rachel Petkoff.

She's a fantastic actress.

She's not done anything for a while,
but in her day�

-Sure.
-Seriously. She's due for a comeback.

-We should get in there, do a profile�
-Sidney.

I'd like to introduce you
to Vincent Lepak.

Enfant terrible.

In my opinion, the most exciting
new director in American cinema.

VINCENT: This is the worst fundraiser
I've been to.

LAWRENCE:
It's a rat-fuck, isn't it?

VINCENT:
So....

SIDNEY:
Excuse me.

Urn.... Could I have your autograph,
please? I'm a huge fan.

-Is that so?
-Yeah, seen everything you've been in.

Those episodes of The Love Boat
and The Bionic Woman...

...and Song Birds. In the Night.

And I saw your first ever TV appearance:
The Twilight Zone, "House of Mirrors."

BOTH LAUGH

-Right.
-Yeah.

But my all-time favorite
has to be A Day Too Long.

You were great in that.

CHUCKLES

What's your name, honey?

It's Sidney. Sidney Young.

Sidney Young.

-Thanks.
-I'll remember that.

CHUCKLES

Thank you.

I mean, you look around you
and it's all shit, you know?

No one's making movies
that are worthwhile.

I have to disagree with you, Vincent.

You're making movies
that are worthwhile.

This is what I'm saying.
This is what I'm saying.

You have to inspire yourself.
I am my role model.

I wanna be me.

-What's the greatest film ever made?
-Excuse me?

What is the greatest film ever made?
Have a guess.

No, I don't know.
I don't think there is one.

-Have a guess.
VINCENT: Yeah, have a guess.

-What's the greatest film made?
-It's hard to say.

I mean, I personally love La Dolce Vita.

Ehh-ehh. Incorrect. Con Air.

I beg your pardon?

Con Air, right? It's got everything.

You've got Malkovich
for your acting chops.

You got Nicky Cage for your action,
Steve Buscemi for your comedy.

John Cusack for the gays, right?

It's like a smorgasbord, isn't it?

SIDNEY CHUCKLES

I don't think we've been introduced.

Mr. Young, this is Eleanor Johnson,
queen of New York.

Sidney's from England.

He's our very own idiot savant,
without savant.

Well, it's always nice
to have fresh blood at these things.

Which reminds me,
I am here with Sophie Maes.

I want you to meet her.

Her new film, The Making of a Saint,
the buzz is amazing.

The release is being tied in
with the Versace campaign...

...and Louis Vuitton is on the line.

-This train is leaving the station.
-What are you, a publicist?

I don't really like that word, Sidney.

What do I call you, then?

You can call me Eleanor.

All right.

There she is.

MOUTHING

MOUTHS
Come on.

WATER SPLASHING

Oh, my God.

MAN:
Sophie, give us a smile.

That's it.

WOMAN 1: She's in the pool.
WOMAN 2: Wow.

PEOPLE CLAPPING

This one will go far.

Where's the car?

What's it doing at the back?

Forget what I said.
I want it at the front now.

I just think it's so awful
how we're still exploiting animals...

...which is why I won't wear fur
or leather or wear makeup.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm with you on that one.
I won't eat anything with eyebrows.

Or something that can chuckle.
I never eat an animal that could chuckle.

I'm sorry, I can't really
understand your accent very well.

Oh, it's nothing.
So you're an actress, are you?

-You've not won any Oscars, then?
-No.

Because I would definitely vote for you
for Best Supporting Dress.

I haven't been nominated for anything.

-I realize that, I was�
ELEANOR: Sophie.

-Dear, are you ready?
SOPHIE: Yeah.

SIDNEY: No, I was joking.
You know, because your dress�

ELEANOR:
Now, you know what to do.

MAN 1: Sophie.
MAN 2: Sophie.

Sophie, thank you. Lovely. Lovely.

PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING

MAN 3: Sophie, Sophie.
MAN 4: Over here, Sophie.

ELEANOR: Thank you. Thank you very
much. Thank you.

All right, let's get in.

-I'm going to the Circle Club. I'll see you.
-Okay. Good night.

-Budge up.
LAWRENCE: Where are you going?

-I'm coming to the club.
-You're not on the list.

DOG BARKS

-Cuba.
-See, even Cuba says so. Heh-heh-heh.

Cuba.

IN BABY VOICE
Who's a good boy?

To the Circle Club.

SIDNEY:
Oh, God. That just turns my stomach.

He's pawing all over her.

-He's old enough to be her father.
-He isn't.

Yes, he is. I was producing sperm
when I was 13, technically.

For your information, he wasn't
pawing her, he was just doing his job.

Sharps has to have a star
on the cover every month.

Most of those stars
are Eleanor's clients.

-So do not piss her off.
-She's a flack.

Hacks do not take orders from flacks.

And I wouldn't call that doing his job.

-He had no blood left in is upper body.
-Ugh. Would you...?

Oh, and the next time you wanna do
that hilariously ironic...

... Move-Con Air skit�

I wasn't being ironic.

Would you mind not doing it
in front of Vincent Lepak...

...who happens to be very important?

I could tell that by the way he was
allowed to stay up past his bedtime.

-Do you think she'd go out with me?
-Who?

Sophie Maes.
Think she'd go out with me?

No. Girls like Sophie
do not date journalists.

As far as she's concerned,
you're the help.

Oh, what do you know?

Anyway,
a lot of these starlets are lonely.

All they do is look around for men.

This is New York, Sidney.

Women only date men
who are successful.

I'm gonna be successful.

-And tall.
-Oh.

SIREN WAILING

Have you seen this?

She's everywhere.

LAWRENCE:
Great coverage.

WOMAN: From Sophie Maes.
-Ah.

"Thanks for the great night."

Sweet kid.

Sidney, about last night.
A word of advice:

Don't talk to the celebrities.

Sophie said
you made her uncomfortable.

So Brad's people finally got back to me
and they've agreed.

We have the whole afternoon
before the shoot.

Good work, Lawrence.

Okay, if that's it�

Ahem. Actually, I was thinking, Clay.

Um, Paris Hilton.

I do a profile on her
as if she's this complete recluse.

Okay, like a hermit, you know.
I'm tracking her down.

Who is the elusive Paris Hilton
and why is she so publicity-shy?

Heh-heh-heh. Do you get�?

Because it's a....

Isn't it? It's good.

Just changing it....

That's first-room stuff, Sidney.

And call me Clay one more time,
see what happens.

I thought I was quite good. Sorry.

No, I'd love this,
but I'm so fat I couldn't.

Get out of here.

You look totally rexy.

Oh, God, that's so sweet.

SIGHS

I don't mean to be rude,
but what the fuck do you want?

You know how things work here.
How am I gonna get a piece in?

I thought all this fluff
was beneath you.

It is beneath me,
but things have changed.

What's changed?

I know everybody thinks
I'm an idiot, okay?

And maybe I didn't have
the best start here, but I�

I want....

I want to have sex with Sophie Maes
before Maddox does.

You're loathsome, do you know that?

I know he's got a head start,
but I think I can win her.

Once I get my hooks into a girl,
she never gets free.

-Like ringworm?
-If you like.

Where are you going?

You, buddy.
You big corporate dick-lick.

Oh, hello. I'd like to apply
for a MasterCard, please.

Yeah.

Hon. Sidney Young.

Hon. H-O-N.

It's short for honorable.

Yeah, it's a British title.

The queen? Yeah, I know the queen.

She used to be
in my break-dancing posse.

She's a body-popper
more than anything.

Fuck!

LAWRENCE:
Well, hello. Cuba.

LAWRENCE CHUCKLES

He likes you.

So how does it feel to be a star?

Oh, no, don't.
It's so embarrassing, God.

Those pictures are everywhere now.

And I had no idea
that dress was so see-through.

Plus everybody's talking
like it was some stunt.

-Such a cynical age.
LAWRENCE: Yeah.

Hello, Sidney.

CHUCKLES

Hi, I was just looking for my� You know.
I didn't know you were coming in today.

Lawrence is taking us to lunch
at Cipriani.

Ah! That's nice.

Oh, Lawrence, can I leave Cuba here?

He doesn't like Italian food.

Oh, of course you can.
He can stay in my office.

Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water,
will you?

Of course.

That is a lovely ring.

Where is that from?

It was my mother's.
She gave it to me.

Oh, you sweetie.

That is very, very....

So listen.

You've met Vincent Lepak,
haven't you, Sidney?

-Yea
-Yea

See, he has a new movie
coming out soon...

...and Lawrence is overstretched
as it is.

How would you like to do
the feature on him?

Yeah, I would, actually.
Yes, I'd like that very much.

Well, great.

Maybe we can get together
and discuss the angle.

Okay.

What do you mean, "angle"?

Well, I'd need to know
how we're gonna present Vincent.

You know, check the story, so on.

Are you saying
you want copy approval?

Any stories written about my clients
need to be in their best interest...

...that's all.

And if things work out with Vincent...

...maybe we can talk about
a follow-up story on Sophie.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, Eleanor,
I don't work that way.

CHUCKLES

Sidney, dear...

...think of it like this.

You write about one of my clients...

...you are borrowing
some of their starlight...

...to help sell your magazine.

All I'm saying is quid pro quo.

Sorry, "starlight"?

-Come on.
SOPHIE: I just don't usually eat carbs.

Hello, Cuba.

Hello.

It's Uncle Sidney.

Come to see how you are, yes.

What's this?

Would you like a little play?
Would you like a little play?

Would you like a little play?

Fetch.

There you go. That's it.

That's it, that's it.

Well done, well done.

You and me are gonna be pals,
aren't we?

Yes, we're gonna be pals, yes.

You're gonna like me much better
than that prick Maddox, aren't you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Okay, ready? Ready?

BALL CLATTERING

IN DISTORTED VOICE
Oh, no.

WHIMPERS

SCRAPING

SIDNEY:
Come on.

Come on.

Shit. Come on.

Come on.

ALISON: That's my bag.
-Ah.

I was gonna borrow it.

What are you talking about?

I'll bring it right back.

Let me borrow it.

-I wanna borrow�
-Give me my bag.

Give me my�

-Oh, my God.
-I....

-Ah!
-It was an accident.

What did you do?

I was trying to make friends,
and then it was�

Don't tell her, okay?
Just please don't tell her.

SOPHIE:
Cuba.

Have you seen a little Chihuahua?

Oh, fucking hell.

LAWRENCE:
Cuba.

SOPHIE: Cuba.
LAWRENCE: Cuba.

SOPHIE:
Cuba.

What are you doing?

-You just can't�
LAWRENCE: Alison.

Have you seen Cuba?

-What?
-Have you seen Sophie's dog?

Oh, urn....

No, no idea.

Come on, help us find him.

Don't worry.
He couldn't have gone too far.

SOPHIE:
Cuba. Cuba.

Cuba.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Clayton, have you got a minute?
-Did you find that rat yet?

No, not yet.
It's probably just got out the building.

Congratulations
on the man-of-the-year thing.

-How was lunch?
-I don't know.

A thousand dollars a plate.
All I could taste was ass.

I'm kissing their ass,
they're kissing my ass.

I get this dream sometimes.

Someone's set fire to the building.

Heywoods, Sharps Magazines,
the whole thing up in flames.

My analyst,
he thinks it's an anxiety dream.

I never let him know how happy I am
watching the fucker burn.

What do you want?

I wanna write a story
about Vincent Lepak.

Not a puff piece.
Something funny with teeth.

You know,
like Snipe would have done.

Everyone's treating him like a genius
and he's not.

-He's an idiot.
-Look at these things.

How'd I get a closet
full of blue fucking shirts?

I don't know.

I don't know, either.

This is an office, for God's sake.

Why have I even got a fucking closet?

-Do it.
-Do it?

Fuck it. Yeah, do it.
He's an annoying little prick.

We'll take him down.

This is your shot.

Thanks, Clayton.

-You're my little hit man.
-I am your little hit man.

-Go do it.
-Okay.

You could call me the jackal.

-Out.
-Okay.

-Mr. Young?
-Yes.

I'm Sophie Maes' assistant.

I'm afraid Sophie isn't here right now.

Yeah. I know she's here, okay?
I'm not a stalker.

I just know she's upset
because she lost her dog.

She isn't here.

All right. Can you please just find out
if she got my present?

Okay.

-Did you send the flowers?
-Flowers?

Yeah, she doesn't get enough flowers.
I sent the fish.

Oh.

You know, goldfish in a bowl.

Did she get them?

Yes, but they were dead.

-All of them?
-Yeah.

It was kind of shocking, actually.
Were they dead when you sent them?

What do you�? No, no.

Who sends people dead fish?

The Mafia.

MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER TV

Oh, my God.

You're like a serial killer.

No, no, no. That wasn't me.

I laid him to rest.

Cuba. I took him out to the�

-Just wanna tell you�
-I don't wanna know.

-You might not want your bag back.
-Stop.

Sorry.

Also, just the whole
not-telling-them thing...

...I just wanted to say
that I appreciate that.

You didn't have to do it
and a lot wouldn't have.

But why didn't you?

You don't need my help
to screw up here, Sidney.

The only things you make
are mistakes.

And stains.

-Can I help you?
-Oh, just a couple of straws, please.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Hey, let me ask you.
What is it with this book?

You're always writing in it.
Is it a diary?

Am I in it?

It's a novel I'm working on,
all right?

-Wow.
-Yeah, go ahead, I know.

I'm a walking cliche.

No, it's all right.
That's very impressive.

-And you're writing that by hand?
-Yeah.

It's� I don't know.

It keeps it separate
from the magazine work.

-It makes it seem special.
-Hmm.

You're full of surprises, sister.

BOTH CHUCKLE

SIDNEY:
White Russian.

-Waiting for your boyfriend?
-Yeah.

He'll be here soon so....

What does he do, this mystery guy?
Is he like a hack too or...?

Actually, he's a poet.

Oh, is he?

-What does he look like?
-What?

Poets are not known
for being that good-looking.

Because they're in dark rooms,
they look like Gollum.

-He's probably:
-He's very handsome, thank you.

Of course he is.

You know what I don't understand?

You're desperate to get a story
in the magazine.

Why wouldn't you play ball with Eleanor?
Write the puff piece?

I resent being bribed
to gush sycophantically about a star.

I choose to gush sycophantically.

Okay.

Clayton's given me a story
so I'm on my way.

Well, that's good.

MAN ON TV:
�after these messages.

NARRATOR ON TV: In a world where
passion is forbidden and belief divine...

...the love she withheld from a man
she gave to all mankind.

You've given yourself to Christ,
my child.

But I love him.

How can it be wrong?

/ believe in love.

That is all we have and we must give it
wherever it is most needed.

NARRATOR: Sometimes before you can
find God, you have to find the world.

Calcutta.

Stand up, Mother Teresa.

NARRATOR: Sophie Maes is Mother
Teresa in The Making of a Saint.

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Anyway, I'd better shoot off
and leave you in peace with your poet.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

I've still got the receipt, so....

CLAYTON:
Which make it a half a page left.

Lawrence, any ideas?

Yeah, Rachel Petkoff.

Fabulous 70s actress.

One of my all-time favorites.

Just made a movie
called Five Boroughs.

I think she's poised for a comeback
and I think we should get there first.

Do a piece.

Sounds good. Let's do it.

Okay, that's it, people.

Clayton?

CLAYTON:
What?

Did you read my piece
on Vincent Lepak?

What? Oh, yeah, that....

That's not gonna work.

Oh, and for those of you
who haven't heard...

...Alison will be running
the "I Spy" section from now on...

...as Lawrence here is moving up
in the world.

He's replacing Greg Roberts
as deputy editor.

PEOPLE CLAPPING AND CHATTERING

-Way to go, Lawrence.
-Thanks.

Yeah, congratulations.

Sorry, Rachel Petkoff
is one of your favorite actresses?

You'd never fucking heard of her.
That was my idea.

Well, so it was, yes.

If you have any more good ideas,
don't forget to bring them by my office.

By the way,
there have been complaints about you...

...skulking around the water cooler
trying to talk to women.

-It's inappropriate behavior.
-What?

You spend your life
chatting up the staff.

When I do it, it's called flirting.

When you do it, it's sexual harassment.
Consider this an official warning.

I will not tolerate sexist behavior.

LAWRENCE: I know that wasn't
Greg's way of working...

...but Greg isn't deputy editor
anymore.

I am.

And I'm making changes.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What?
-Hi, Lawrence.

There's a lady here
that's been looking for you.

Can I help you?

Are you Lawrence Maddox,
the new deputy editor?

Yes.

I'm here to congratulate you
on your promotion.

Thank you. I'm sorry, you are...?

DONNA SUMMER'S "HOT STUFF"
PLAYING

I'm your present.

SIDNEY: Lawrence, this is inappropriate
behavior, wouldn't you say?

This is wrong, I should record this.

Such a misuse of company time.

-Stop.
-I'm not doing anything.

Holy cross.

-Hey, Mrs. Harding.
-Oh, hi, Ingrid.

Oh, my God, so adorable.

This is Ingrid
from the Fashion Department.

You're getting so big.

Where's Mr. Maddox now?

Oh, he moved to Room 217.

-It's just over there.
-Oh, okay.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Come on, girls,
let's go see Mr. Maddox.

My God, my Lord above.

This is terrible. Oh, good Lord.

Ho-ho. There's a surprise.
Look at his face. Wow.

What do you think�?

Mrs. Harding?

Girls.

SIDNEY: Bobbie.
-What?

I've got cock on my hand.

I see what you're saying.

CLAYTON: Whatever you like, there'll be
plenty of time before we lock it in.

-Great.
-If you wanna change it�

ELEANOR:
All right. Love you.

Get in.

I didn't know it was
take-our-daughters-to-work day.

I didn't know there was a day.

Shut up.

You know, when I told my wife
I'd hired another Brit...

...she was excited.

She still thinks you're all like something
out of Pride and Prejudice.

But after what she just saw
in that room...

...now she thinks you're a British person
born in New Jersey.

Why did I hire you?

I don't know. Why did you hire me?

I had an attack of nostalgia,
but it's passed like gas.

-What was wrong with my story?
-What?

Why did you kill
my Vincent Lepak story?

It wasn't good enough. Simple as that.

-It wasn't good enough.
-We don't do hatchet jobs here.

-It wasn't.
-Your opening quotation:

"It's only too easy
to catch people's attention...

...by doing something worse than
anyone else has dared do it before."

Who are you thinking of here,
yourself or Vincent?

He is a talentless pretentious twat
who thinks cinema began with Tarantino.

Somebody needed to say that.
You told "something with teeth."

I am trying to run
a fucking magazine here.

A free press is the last defense
against the tyranny of stupidity.

Save me your tin-pot philosophy.

It's not mine, it's yours.
First issue of Snipe.

Would you grow the fuck up?

You are not Robin Hood.

You never were. You�

You bitch about famous people...

...for the same reason
I used to bitch about them.

Because they got invited to the party
and you didn't.

Well, Sidney, you're at the party now.

Quit your bitching
and do your fucking job.

You're on your last life here,
you understand that?

One more fuck-up like today,
you are gone.

Won't you have to run a decision
like that past Eleanor first?

Get out.

PEOPLE CLAPPING

ALL CHEERING

MUTED DIALOGUE

TALKING INDISTINCTLY

BOY:
Oh, hurry.

ALISON: I can't believe you hired Bob
as a stripper.

SIDNEY: I didn't hire him.
She did it as a favor.

ALISON: I thought you wanted to be
a success here.

SIDNEY:
I do.

It wasn't me, it was Clark.

ALISON:
Oh, your alias, right?

BOTH CHUCKLE

I don't think Clayton's gonna publish
anything I write, you know.

I've been on salary for four months now
and I've written probably 175 words.

I think dollar-per-word basis...

...I am the highest paid writer
in the history of this magazine.

He is not gonna renew my contract.

Well, what do you expect?

Vincent's one of Eleanor's clients.
I told you, they're untouchables.

I thought Clayton was different.
I really did.

The only thing I'm good at
is pissing people off.

He won't let me do that.

My glory walks hand in hand
with my doom.

It's Troy.

-Troy who?
-Troy the movie.

LAUGHS

Clayton only invited me here
so I could be shunned.

Everybody hates me.

You're the only one
that will talk to me.

-You cornered me.
-I'm serious.

LAUGHS

You're the person that's been,
you know, most abusive to me.

LAUGHS

SIDNEY:
Excuse me for a sec.

MAN:
Wonderful.

RACHEL: Really?
SIDNEY: Rachel.

RACHEL: Intuitive.
-Hey.

Hello again.

Hello.

No, Lawrence is a wonderful writer.

I really felt
like he got to the heart of me.

-Ha!
-I'm sorry, have we�?

It's Sidney.

Sidney Young.
We met at the poolside benefit.

I saw Five Boroughs the other day
and I just wept�

-Oh, no.
-...like a baby.

It was absolutely incredible.

I just thought it was the best
piece of work I've seen, and�

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

LAWRENCE:
Sophie, darling.

-Ravishing as ever.
-Hi.

Did you all know that
Lawrence published a book of poetry?

-No.
-Called The Hollow Heart. It's terrific.

-You write poems?
-In another life.

Cointreau?

MAN:
Yes, thank you.

And the White Russian.

Right here.

LAWRENCE:
Well, well, if it isn't Sidalee.

What time does the stripper come on?

LAUGHING

Shut up, Maddox.

Where's your sense of humor, Sidney?

Choke.

Choke, choke.

Choke.

Choke.

Hi, Mrs. Harding.

Hi.

It's a lovely party.

Happy 4th.

Jesus.

Has anyone ever told you before
that you have an unusually dark aura?

Yes.

You should walk with bare feet
as much as possible.

Ground all that negative energy.

What are you, a wizard or what?

I'm a spiritual healer.

Can you make a living out of that?

God, no.

I'm a dentist.

Oh.

You wanna do some coke?

BAND PERFORMING
"YANKEE DOODLE"

GIGGLES

CHATTERING

SINGING
England, England, England

England, England, England

England, Eng�

Oi. Orlando.

You used to be English.

England, England, England

England, England

Fuck.

Ow.

CHATTERING AND MUSIC RESUME

Are you okay?

What?

I said, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

-You?
-Yeah.

No, actually, I'm not.

I hate my life.
So, you know, I'm gonna get drunk.

Right, well.

I'll see you, then.

-How could you?
-What?

How the�?

-You and Maddox having an affair.
-Shh!

For Christ sake,
the man with hidden shallows.

I used to think�

I started�

When I met you, I thought you were
a bit of a pain, but I�

Goddamn it, Maddox.

How can you live with yourself?

I couldn't,
that's why I've broken up with him.

That's no� You broke up with him?

SNIFFLES

-Which leg did you hurt?
-This one.

Ow! God! Fuck! God.

You know what?

There's something very damaged
about you.

Ha.

Like an animal that's been hit by a car
or something.

Like a deer...

...or like a pig, maybe?

When they walk all funny...

...and the other animals
keep away from them....

Little limpy pig.

I'm drawn to sick animals.

That's why I picked Cuba.

Because he had, like,
psychological problems.

CHUCKLES

Poor old Cuba.

Where is he now?

Jesus, I'm wasted.

Are you wasted?
Because I'm really wasted.

I slept it off.

Congratulations on becoming
incredibly famous, by the way.

Thanks.

What's that like?

Weird.

It's all happening so fast...

...and it sort of feels like
it has nothing to do with me.

Kind of like I'm not really even here.

You know what would be nice,
though?

Some coke.

It's probably just as well
I don't have any, though.

Coke always makes me so horny.

Wizard. I need the wizard dentist.

I need� I need the wizard.

Not you. The dentist-wizard man.

Have you�?
The wizard, have you seen him?

Like a wizard-stroke-dentist.

-Dee-deet!
DENTIST: Okay, all right. You got it.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

It's okay.

I will never, never, never forget this.

It's okay, really.

What are you doing?

None of your business.

You can't drive like that, okay?
Go just sleep it off.

Firstly, you are a stupid asshole
and I hate you.

And secondly�

-Secondly�
-Okay, okay, okay.

I hate you
because you're a stupid asshole.

If you drive in this condition,
you are gonna kill yourself.

Who'd care if I did? I hate my life.

-Oh, I gotta go, I gotta go.
-No, just come on.

No, don't touch me.

I hate rental cars.

I hate them.

No, give me the keys.

I've gotta go home.

SIGHS

I thought I had it all figured out.

A, get the hell out of Port Huron,
come to New York.

B, do the serious journalism thing
to pay the bills while I write the novel.

C, win the Pulitzer.

-E.
-D.

D. I don't know what D was.

Then I took the internship at Sharps,
and I met....

I met Maddox.

And then before you know it...

...I'm writing 10 tips
for the fucking metrosexual...

...and pretending this is what I wanted
and this isn't what I wanted.

-That's why I hated you.
-I didn't know.

You were right about me.
I'm a ghoul writing fluff.

No, you're not a ghoul, okay?
You're a zombie.

-A ghoul is�
-Am I afraid of a real relationship?

I mean, do I think an affair
is all I deserve?

I mean, okay, he's handsome
and successful...

...and he's great in bed.

Oh, God. Be quiet.

Fine.

When I told him
I couldn't see him anymore...

...I don't know if he cared.

I love him
and I don't know if he cares.

I'm sure� Look, I'm sure�
I'm sure he does care, okay?

He's probably just not very good
at expressing his emotions.

SOBBING

Okay, well, let's just calm down,
okay?

Don't get snot everywhere
because it's a rental.

Oh, God.

What?

VOMITING

SIDNEY:
Ho-ho-ho. Oh.

Oh, that's grim.

Alison, what's your address?

Alison, I need to know your address.

Well, I� How...?

ALISON MOANING
AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

ALISON:
No more stairs now.

Will you shut up?

You're gonna wake the old witch up.

ALISON:
Why are we stopping?

Hi.

Did we wake you?

ALISON:
Oh, God, I'm a whore.

I'm a whore.

I'm a�

I'm a whore.

Hello, Dad.

BANGING AND CLATTERING

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO

I love this song.

She's not actually a prostitute.

Oh, good.

So, Sidney's dad.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Alison.

-Delighted to meet you.
-I'm from Port Huron.

Port Huron.

You must be Sidney's mommy.

-No, I'm not.
-Okay.

I mean, my dad remarried, too,
so that's cool.

Where are my cigarettes?

Oh, what is this?

CHUCKLES
Oh.

Hey, is this...?

I think it's probably cocaine.

Yeah. That, I�
It wasn't actually for me.

I was gonna give it
to this young actress.

So, Mr. Sidney,
what are you doing here?

-Please, call me Richard.
-Richard.

Well, I've written a little book.

-A book.
-And I'm doing some talks.

I'm writing a book.
What's yours about?

I write books on philosophy.

-Philosophy.
-Ideas.

Oh, my God.

Richard Young?

You're�? You're R.C. Young?

You never said your dad
was R.C. Young.

I bought you the book.
I'd love to hear what you think.

What would Sidney know
about philosophy?

Well, he does have a Master's
in the subject.

LAUGHING
You're shitting me.

He� He likes Con Air.

-Oh. I don't feel very good.
-Come on.

-Time you were in bed.
ALISON: Okay.

You can sleep on the couch.

It was a pleasure to meet you,
Lord Young.

MOUTHING
What? You?

You should have said
you were coming.

That would have required you
answering one of my calls.

Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy.

Of course.

I picked up your magazine
at the airport.

It's most enjoyable.

I particularly liked
the young Hollywood actress...

...who said she would like to start
her theater career somewhere small...

...like London or England.

-Why must you always do this?
-It's just a little joke.

It's not a little joke, is it?

-You're saying what I do is worthless.
-I don't think it's worthless.

I think that you know in your heart
you could be doing more.

More?

Sharps Magazine is one of the most
respected magazines in the world.

There's a million hacks that would
give anything to be where I am.

Do you know who I hung out with
just today?

Orlando Bloom.

I don't know who that is.

Of course you don't know.
You don't know who anyone is.

You thought Brad Pitt was a cave
in Yorkshire.

The thing is most people do know
who that is.

Most people wouldn't think hanging out
with celebrities was a disappointment.

I don't think you're a disappointment,
Sidney. I've� I've never thought that.

I'm sorry, I�

I didn't mean to upset you.

Things haven't been that great,
actually, Dad.

I don't know why, I�

I can't seem to get ahead.

-If you're not happy�
-No, I'm fine, really.

I can make it, I know I can.

Einstein said:

"Try not to become
a man of success...

...but rather to become
a man of value."

The young lady
in the bedroom there, Alison...

...she wouldn't have anything to do with
your desire to stay on?

No, we're just friends.

Anyway, she says that New York women
don't go for losers.

I suppose not.

But Alison is from Port Huron,
isn't she?

CHUCKLES

SIGHS

SNORING

SNORTS

SNORTS

DOOR CLOSES

ALISON:
Hi.

Morning. That is a good look for you.

I don't remember much from last night,
but I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, my God, your father.

And that woman.

Oh, Mrs. Kowalski?

Don't worry, the last woman
she caught me with had a penis.

So you're a big step up.

Thanks.

Who is that?

That's my mother.

No way. Was she a model?

Actress.

-In movies?
-Some.

-You know, British, small parts.
-Is she still�?

No, she died when I was young.

Must be pretty cool
having your mom in movies.

Well, I used to see her on the TV from
time to time when I was growing up.

You know, which is kind of weird.

Okay, full English fry-up.
Perfect hangover cure.

Get your gob around that.

-Huh?
-Mm. Not again.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh.

SNIFFS

Ha. Hi. Heh-heh.

I was just� You know.

Just rooting through
your personal possessions.

I like the opening.

-You do?
-Yeah.

Can I read the rest?
I am a pretty good editor.

I don't even know
if I'm gonna bother finishing it.

Hey, keep true
to the dreams of thy youth.

Is that Troy again?

It's Schiller.

I'm gonna jump in the shower
and then I really will get out of your hair.

Well, wait,
because I got you a present.

I was walking past this record shop.
I thought it might cheer you up, so....

You said it was your favorite film.

That is....

I don't even know what to say.

I don't have a turntable.

Well, you could always
come around here and listen to it.

NINO ROTA'S "LA DOLCE VITA
(IN VIA VENETO)" PLAYING

Are you kidding?

-I could throw up on you again.
-Oh, come on.

Come on.

There we go.

Come on, don't be shy.
I'm a great mover.

LAUGHS

CHUCKLES

INGRID:
Hey, Alice?

Versace. You like?

I'm good, thanks.

You know, honey, everybody needs
to change their look every now and then.

Especially when they have
a new man in their lives.

What? I'm�
What are you talking about?

Well, that English guy is always
hanging around you these days, right?

Tell me it isn't so.

Of course not.

ANNA: Thank God. Can you imagine?
He's such a creep.

This is gorgeous, but I'm just too fat.

Don't be crazy.

Alice, is Anna fat?

Not at all. Why, she's so thin
I could take her spindly body...

...and snap her over my knee
like a dry fucking twig.

And for your information...

...Sidney Young has more going for him
than anyone in this place.

ALARM WAILING

It works, and that's good.

Elephants.

SIDNEY:
Hey, Alison.

I was wondering if....

Hey, Alison.

I was wondering maybe if you wanted
to go and see a movie or have a meal.

Do you wanna go on a date?

Might work.

LAUGHING

Eleanor.

Hello, Sidney.

I like your costume, Vincent.

-I'm not wearing a costume.
-Oh.

-Idiot.
-Wanker.

-I better go find Nick.
-Okay, I'll see you.

Clara Bow?

-Louise Brooks.
-Ah.

-Bela Lugosi?
-George Hamilton.

George Hamilton's not dead.

Isn't he? That's a shame.

I was looking for you.

-There's something I wanted to tell you.
-Me first.

I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to
go to a movie or have something to eat.

What? I can't understand
what you're saying.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

No, I just wanted to ask if�

-Back in a minute.
-All right.

Uh....

I wanted to tell you
that Lawrence has left his wife.

We're gonna be together, officially.

Oh, that� That's brilliant.

-So maybe he does care after all, right?
-Yeah.

I'm going to....

So Alison told you
we're getting together, right?

Yeah.

Should have done it long ago.

You know me, I'm just not very good
at expressing my emotions.

You should be happy for her...

...you being friends and all.

Oh, Sidalee.

I thought as much.

Did you really think you and Alison...?

Things really didn't go all that well
for you here, did they?

Oh, well.

Gave it your best shot.

THUNDER RUMBLING

Take the West Side highway, please.

-Eleanor, wait.
-Ah!

Let me write the profile on Vincent.

CHUCKLES

I don't think so.

You can have complete copy approval.
It will be like you wrote it. Aah! Aah!

Vincent, think about it.

Think about how humiliating
it will be for me.

Please, I am begging you.

You....

You don't look like you're begging.

THUNDER RUMBLING

West Side highway, please.

CLAYTON:
Sit down, Sidney.

Lawrence Maddox is no longer
working for Sharps Magazine.

It seems that Elizabeth got tired of him
screwing around and kicked him out.

She kicked him out?

Richard Heywood doesn't seem
to like the idea...

...of employing an ex son-in-law.

So he's gone.

So is Alison Olsen.

Don't worry about Maddox.

He's already lined up something
with Gotham Magazine.

I'm gonna need somebody
to hold the fort at "I Spy."

Strictly on a temporary basis,
you understand?

Oh, one more thing.

I had a call from Eleanor Johnson
this morning wanting to know...

...if you would like to write
a profile on Vincent Lepak.

I don't know how you did it, Sidney.

But somehow,
you've made it to the next room.

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

-Hey.
-Hey.

Nice robe.

Oh, thanks.

Ralph Lauren. It was a gift.

Who from?

Ralph Lauren.
I was doing a piece and....

wanted to say congratulations.
I heard about your promotion.

-I'm really happy for you.
-Well, yeah, thanks.

-How's things going with you?
-Good, fine.

Everything's�

I'm working
for this little literary magazine.

It's not The New Yorker, but....

So I left you a bunch of messages.

Yeah, I know, I've been so busy.

Yeah, I thought so.

-Okay, well�
-How's the novel going?

Oh, I'm still working on it.

You should keep at it, you know?
I believe in you.

Actually, I never gave you these.

GROANS

There you go.

ALISON CHUCKLES

You know, you don't have to use
them if you don't want.

I mean� Don't even look at it....

-You know�
INGRID: Sidney?

Oh, hey, Alice.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Bye.

Sophie is going to get an Apollo Film
Awards nomination for best actress.

Wow, that's great.

But the nominations
haven't been announced yet.

That is correct.

Which is why we have absolutely
no way of knowing...

...whether or not
she will be nominated.

But when she is nominated,
we would like Sharps to do a feature.

Someone to cover the whole lead-up.

Unrestricted access.

The trajectory,
the building of this unique brand.

I'm gonna have a logo.

So here's the deal.
Sophie wants you to write the story.

You can be my bitch.

-Huh.
-Merry Christmas, Sidney.

This is a cover story.

I think a little celebration is in order.

Chin, chin.

DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

MAN: Way behind.
WOMAN: Come on.

-Just a little bit, come on.
-I can't.

-It's too� It's too high.
WOMAN: Come on.

-Just� Come on, don't wimp out.
MAN: Come on.

-Come on.
WOMAN: Come on, Sidney.

CROWD:
Awww....

SOPHIE:
Such a loser.

-You didn't do it.
-It's high.

Oh, but you let me down.

-You couldn't do it. It's bloody high.
MAN: Oh, no.

CROWD CHEERING

MAN 1: You have to�
MAN 2: Come on.

-Look.
-Look, look, look.

WOMAN:
She's doing it.

CROWD:
Yeah.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-What are you?
-A limpy pig.

-What?
-I'm your little limpy pig.

That's right, limpy pig.

And now it's time to pay a forfeit.
What have you got?

I've got my little limpy pig dance.

CHUCKLING

SNORTING

CHUCKLING

Give me your ring.

Um, uh....

I can't.

-Come on.
-No, I can't.

-Give me your ring, I want it.
-I can't.

Okay.

If you give me your ring
and I win tomorrow...

...HI let you have sex with me.

CROWD:
Oooh.

SCREAMING OVER TV

MAN ON TV: It has left Rocky
wondering where the others have gone.

His old anxieties
about being left alone resurface�

WOMAN 1: Now there's an easy way
to remember everything�

WOMAN 2:
Oh, thank you, Mike.

/'// buy you a better one,
just as soon as I�

No, you won't.

I'm always going to keep this one.

I'll never part with it.

Never, never, never.

Let's do it properly.

Please.

CROWD SCREAMING

MAN: Miss Maes, over here,
and give us a smile.

One more smile, Miss Maes.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

What people don't realize is that
all saints start out as human beings.

And all human beings fall in love
at some point, right?

Mother Teresa still had romantic feelings
like any young woman would so....

Well, well.

Look at you.

Made it all the way to the seventh room.
Congratulations.

Wheel of fortune, right?
You go up and I go down.

You here with Sophie?
How about doing your rabbi a favor?

Put in a good word, a little interview.

-Is Alison here?
-Alison? No, no.

We went our separate ways.

Actually, she left me.

She tells me she's in love
with someone else.

Nope, not you I'm afraid, Sidalee.

Some guy named Clark.

Can you believe it?
These are the sacrifices we make.

I don't need to tell you.
This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

So listen, about Sophie,
maybe a little interview?

It won't take long.

CROWD APPLAUDING

SIDNEY: So here I am
at the center of everything.

I've got the tux. I've got the watch.

I've got the life.

/ am exactly where I wanted to be.

I've made it to Shangri-la.

INAUDIBLE
Sophie Maes.

-I have to have the ring.
-What?

SIDNEY: Please, give me the ring.
-Keep away from me.

Mother told me to give it to the one.
She's not the one.

ELEANOR: Have you lost your mind?
-No, just�

I don't wanna be on the inside.
I don't wanna be at the party.

I don't wanna have sex with you.
I killed Cuba.

CROWD GASPS

GRUNTING

Yo, hey.

You fucking motherfucking fucker.

Goddamn�

Stop it. This is live.

You dog-fucking killer.

MAN OVER TV:
Well, this is a strange one, Bobby.

We have certainly never seen
anything like this before...

...at the Apollo Film awards.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

We do not know if this is a gag.

I've been informed that the young man
involved in the altercation...

...is Sidney Young,
an employee of Sharps Magazine.

SOPHIE: Aah!
-Ow!

Get your hands off of me!

You're finished!

-Hey, Vincent.
-Sidney.

VINCENT:
Fuck. Ah. Oh.

LAUGHS

Have a nice flight.

I need a ticket to New York, please.

Uh....

The next available flight
isn't until tomorrow morning at 10:00.

It arrives in New York at 6:30 p.m.,
local time.

Wait, there's nothing sooner?

No, I'm afraid not.

Fine, I'll take it.

ALISON'S VOICE: Hi, you've reached
Alison. Please leave a message.

Joe, if that's you, I've got the tickets
for Empire Park tomorrow.

/'// see you there. Bye.

Alison, it's me, it's Sidney.

Listen, my battery is very low
and I wanted to�

Can I see you? I just�

I don't think I'm gonna be working
for Sharps anymore.

But it's fine, because
I thought I wanted all that stuff.

I thought I wanted to be special,
have the money, be treated differently.

Can I get an upgrade?

But I don't, okay? And who's Joe?

Could I get your autograph?

What? Because I'm on the TV?

Because I'm up there close
to the movie stars, you think I'm special?

For your credit card.

Yes.

Do you have any baggage?

Plenty.

Hey, stop the car, stop the car.
Stop the car.

MOVIE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Hi.

Hi.

How's the novel coming along?

It's finished.

Thanks for the ending.

NINO ROTA'S
"LA DOLCE VITA (FINALE)" PLAYING

Oh, fuck.

ENGLISH SDH