Original subtitles

WOMAN OVER TV: Supposing Queen Elizabeth had been misguided enough...

...to marry an English commoner, Janet.

I'm sorry, Miss Fox, I didn't quite hear.

You are immersed in problems of far greater significance...

...than Elizabeth's foreign policy.

But these mental....

SIDNEY: / used to think there was a special place...

...where all the movie stars lived...

...a kind of Shangri-la...

...and if you could just get inside there, you'd be happy forever.

CROWD APPLAUDING

All these years later, I'm finally inside.

I've made it to Shangri-la.

My name's Sidney Young.

I'm a celebrity correspondent, a journalist, a friend to the stars.

Yeah, that� That isn't me.

This is me at the Apollo Film Awards in L.A. this year.

That's my Armani tuxedo.

That's an Omega Speedmaster Pro watch I'm wearing.

That's the actress Sophie Maes.

Last night, she told me she'd let me have sex with her...

...if she won the Best Actress award.

INAUDIBLE Sophie Maes.

SIDNEY: Oh, she just won the Best Actress award.

My life didn't use to be like this.

BAFTA AWARDS LONDON

SIDNEY: Only a year ago, my alternative magazine...

...The Post Modern Review, was on the ropes.

/ needed a big celebrity scoop...

...to save me from bankruptcy and humiliation.

But there was one problem:

To cross the thin red line that separates the looky-loos from the stars...

...you had to be famous.

-Babe? -Babe 3, yeah.

But he hasn't got any ID.

How many pigs are coming tonight?

What do you want me to do? Leave him here with you? That's fine.

No, no, no, you cannot leave him here. I've got a� Hmm. Oh.

If you're positive you're supposed to....

WOMAN: Well, well.... -Oh.

Sidney Young.

Well, well, clipboard Nazi-type woman.

-The pig doesn't get in. -What about me?

I was talking about you.

Plan B, if you couldn't crash the award ceremonies...

...you had to get into one of the after-show parties.

HOTEL HAYMARKET SHARPS MAGAZINE PARTY

Of these, the most exclusive was the Sharps Magazine party...

...hosted by legendary editor Clayton Harding.

Here, the A list could finally relax...

...safe in the knowledge that no looky-loo...

...would book a room in one of London's most expensive hotels...

...just to be close to them.

PIG GRUNTING

Okay, Kevin, I want you in bed by 10:00, okay?

And no porn.

SNORTING

SIDNEY: When I'm in L.A., I like to stay at the Chateau.

Where else? Heh-heh.

And then when I'm in London, I always like to stay here at the Haymarket.

It's got to the point now when I�

I don't feel at home unless I'm in a hotel.

-Do you know what I mean? -What is that you do?

I'm a writer. I'm a movie writer.

-Oh, great. -Heh-heh-heh.

PIG GRUNTING

Hello? Sir?

Is everything all right?

SNORTING

You have the most amazing cheekbones. Have you had plastic surgery at all?

-No, have you? -Me? No, just a�

Well, penis reduction when I was a kid. Otherwise, nothing.

BOTH LAUGHING

-Whoo-hoo-hoo. Oh. -You are too much.

-I am, aren't I? -I love it. What was your name again?

It's Clark. Clark Baxter.

How do you do?

SIGHS

Your little mustache.

PEOPLE CHATTERING

Oh, shit.

SNORTING

Sarah, get Security. Sidney Young got in.

Who's Sidney Young?

Oh, fuck.

WOMAN GASPS

SIDNEY: Plan C, keep a low profile...

...and leave as unobtrusively as possible.

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People

OFFICES OF POST MODERN REVIEW

PHONE RINGING

Can you get that?

RINGING CONTINUES

Can you get the phone, please?

GEORGE: My stupid�? Your stupid fucking article, right?

I wouldn't give you the honor�

At The Post Modern Review...

...we believe that celebrity is a text to be deconstructed.

We don't hate celebrities. Apart from Costner, obviously.

-I am� -A girl.

�an internationally respected academic and�

Prick.

Answer the phone. What do I pay you for?

You don't pay me.

Answer the phone.

GEORGE: I am� -A fuckwit.

Hello, Post Modern Review.

If she doesn't apologize, I'm quitting.

Apologize, okay? George can't leave.

-Why can't George leave? -He owns the fax machine.

-What? -It's....

It's Sharps Magazine.

-We're finished. -We're not finished.

-If they say we're finished� -Give me the phone.

Shut up. Be quiet.

Sidney Young.

CLAYTON: This is Clayton Harding, editor of Sharps Magazine.

Ah. Lord Vader.

CLAYTON: / saw you at my party...

...just before you ruined it with your little pig stunt.

Oh, you like that, did you?

CLAYTON: Sure.

Especially liked the part...

...where Clint Eastwood beat the shit out of you.

Yeah, you listen to me, I'm not scared of you, Harding, all right?

You can sue me if you like, but, you know...

...it's like Jimmy Stewart said, you know:

MIMICS STEWART "Oh, yeah, you sit up there...

...and you spin your little webs...

...you think the whole world revolves around you...

...and your money, but it doesn't, Mr.� Mr.�

-Potter. -Potter."

You could sue us, okay, but I warn you, if you strike me down�

-Miss Johnson's here to see you. -.../ will become more powerful.

Destroy me and a hundred men will spring up in my place.

Men who care nothing for success.

Men who can't be bought. Men who's only loyalty�

CLAYTON: I want you to come work for me at Sharps Magazine in New York.

STAFF SHOUTING

GEORGE: You motherfucker!

ALL: Fight, fight, fight.

MAN: Ooh. That's not coming out.

Can you say that again, please?

DRIVER: Thanks, asshole.

Sorry.

Oh, fuck.

This magazine you're working for, it is good?

Yeah, it's Sharps.

You know, Sharps Magazine...

...sort of high-society fashion, crime, finance, Hollywood celebrities.

Hollywood? Hah.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Now everybody is celebrity.

You take out your breast, you're celebrity.

I think it probably depends on the breasts.

n Poland, someone was famous because they done something.

Marie Curie, Pope John Paul.

They don't make entertainers like that anymore.

Wise guy.

They brought your things yesterday.

SIDNEY: Great, good. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

I like it, yeah. It's good.

I'll put my drums in the corner there. Heh.

It's a joke. They've just a little congas.

-When you start work? -In the morning.

So you gotta be fresh. Make a good impression.

Go to bed.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

Hmp.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

Kona, please.

Make that two.

I'm Clark.

Clark Baxter.

It's nice to meet you. Cheers.

-What is this? -That's a water, sir.

That's not right. Put a bit of beer in it or something.

-Sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there. -Is he?

He's fucking small, isn't he?

That's his White Russian. He'll be here any second.

Excuse me, can you reserve seats in this bar?

No.

I'm a journalist.

I work for a little periodical you might have heard of, Sharps Magazine.

I'm the cultural editor. I�

This is a library card from "Glow-chester."

Don't� Well, it's the wrong one, isn't it?

I got it...

-Happy now? -Just doing my bit for the gene pool.

SCOFFS

Who is that with Clint Eastwood?

Morgan Freeman.

No, in the headlock?

-You had this laminated? -Give it to me.

-Oh, sorry, sorry. -Shit.

Oh, no, no, no. No, just leave it.

All right, it's got� Okay, then.

It's pronounced "Gloucester," by the way.

-Are you gonna get off of that seat? -No.

Do you know the meaning of karma?

The curry?

What goes around comes around.

The moment is approaching where you'll pay the price for being an asshole.

And when my boyfriend gets here...

...I'm going to encourage him to take you outside and�

CELL PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hi, honey.

Oh. All right. I'll see you then.

Boyfriend not coming?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

Do you think�? Do you think�?

Do you think I could have his drink?

-Oh, Bobbie. BOBBIE: Hey.

-Do you want my seat? I'm just leaving. -Oh, thanks.

Who do you think that is with Clint Eastwood?

THE BEES' "CHICKEN PAYBACK" PLAYING OVER STEREO

I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Why don't you put on something a little more romantic?

GIGGLING

BOBBIE: Whoo!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

MUSIC STOPS

-Mrs. Lebowski. -Kowalski.

You know what time it is?

The music blaring, the door open.

Was it? Fuck.

I mean, sorry, shit. I mean, sorry.

I just ran into an old friend and brought her back for a little....

Penis.

Aah!

ALARM CLOCK BLARING

Ah! Bloody....

You can do this.

You can do it.

You can do this. You so can do this.

Come on, Bob.

Quick cup of coffee, then you've gotta go.

SIREN CHIRPING

SIDNEY: This is my city.

This is my building.

This is my lobby.

These are my models.

This is my workplace.

And this is my boss.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Do you like it?

I've got you one, actually.

Thanks.

Next time you come dressed like that, you follow the shirt, do you understand?

-Sit down. How was your flight? -Yeah, it was good.

Thanks for the business-class tickets, Clay.

That was a mistake.

-And don't call me Clay. -Oh.

-Can we smoke? -"We"? No.

Oh, my God.

You've seen that. Okay.

That was a little....

I'm actually� I'm a big fan of your early funnier stuff.

Snipe magazine was really good.

SIDNEY CLEARS THROAT

You've actually been a big influence on me...

...and I think together, we can really inject...

...some of that Snipe spirit into Sharps.

In fact, I've got some ideas which you might�

You think you've arrived, don't you?

I hate to break it to you, but you're only in the first room.

It's not nothing, don't get me wrong, but it's not that great, either.

Believe me, there are plenty of people in this town...

...who made it to first room and didn't get further.

In about a year, maybe longer...

...you'll discover a secret doorway...

...at the back of the first room that leads to the second.

And in time, if you're lucky...

...you'll discover another doorway in the back that leads to the third.

There are seven rooms altogether.

You're in the first.

I'm in the seventh.

Don't you forget it.

Can I use the bathroom in the seventh? Because the one in the first really smells.

Which leads us to the subject of your sense of humor.

I had a look through your magazine here.

-Oh, what did you think? -Oh.

I thought it was kind of snarky...

...and bitter...

...and witless.

I'm gonna try you out in the "I Spy" section.

You're gonna report to Lawrence Maddox.

LAWRENCE: Sidney, I know we've only just met...

...but I perceive I'm in the presence of a rare comic sensibility.

Oh, thanks.

Harding wants me to be your rabbi, show you the ropes.

WOMAN: Oh, Mr. Maddox. -Are you aware what we do at "I Spy"?

You photograph famous people when they're drunk.

-The nation's window into high society. WOMAN: Pen.

Thank you.

The looky-loos read us because, well, they weren't there.

The glitterati read us because we tell them they were there.

For the system to work, we have to know where there is.

So when we go out to clubs and stuff, is that on expenses?

This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

When we go out, you're gonna have to wear something suitable.

-What do you mean by "suitable"? -Something that covers all this up.

Is that Mussolini?

No, Sidney.

That's Richard Heywood, owner of this magazine.

CHUCKLES Oh.

He does, doesn't he? Bit of a.... Ha-ha-ha.

Who's this funny-looking kid? Is that his son?

That's his daughter Elizabeth and my wife.

Really?

She's very:

Isn't she? She's got:

Babies are all like Mussolini, aren't they?

Miss Olsen takes care of book launches...

...gallery openings and other intellectual fare.

Miss Olsen, would you find our new rookie something to do?

I hear the cultural editor's job's up for grabs.

Seeing as I'm gonna be sitting just there, we should put last night behind us.

No. Now get off my desk.

Yeah, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing.

-Are you gonna help me out? -Sure. Which way did you come in?

Ah.

SCOFFS

Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening. Caption it.

Now get off my desk.

INGRID: Hi. -Oh, hi, Ingrid.

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

This is Clark Baxter.

It's Sidney, actually. Sidney Young. Clark Baxter's my alias, so....

-He's English. INGRID: Oh.

Right.

LINE RINGING

WOMAN OVER PHONE: Hello? -Hello, is it the Parsons Gallery?

Yes, it is. This is Celia Parsons speaking.

Hi, this is Sidney Young from Sharps Magazine.

We're running some photographs...

...from your opening of the Chris Blick exhibition...

...and I've been asked to caption them.

I wonder if you could help me identify a few people.

-All right. -Thanks.

Chris Blick, man or woman?

What?

Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?

Are you sure you're calling from Sharps Magazine?

Yes, I am.

Then tell me, Stanley, why have they given you this assignment...

...if you don't know who one of the most famous artist in America is?

I don't know.

He's a man.

Great. Okay, is he an old man?

He's an older man, yes.

Because I've got two old men here.

Is he the fat one?

You do realize that Clayton Harding is a personal friend of mine?

-What's that got to do with anything? -Right.

LINE DISCONNECTS

SIGHS

PHONE DIALING

CELIA: Parsons Gallery.

Is he the one with the wonky eye, then?

LINE DISCONNECTS

WOMAN: Uhn. -Oh. Heh.

It's fashion sensitive.

If you're not wearing Prada, it will take your arm clean off.

But I am wearing Prada.

This place isn't what I expected.

What did you expect?

I don't know, like, the Algonquin Circle. Dorothy Parker.

You know, martinis, quips. Nobody here's drunk.

It's called being professional. You should try it some time.

You gotta understand, I'm not one of you.

-By "you" do you mean human? -I mean one of the glossy posse.

Zombies writing about pets of the stars, acting like they're working for the U.N.

I am here to shake things up.

Where are you from?

Not that it's any of your business, but Port Huron, Michigan.

Ah. Small-town girl.

MIMICS HANNIBAL LECTER I bet you couldn't wait to get out,

...get anywhere. Get all the way to the NYC.

Silence of the Lambs.

Let me give you a bit of advice. Don't take this celebrity fluff seriously.

ELEVATOR DINGS

You arrogant�

COUGHING

ELEVATOR DINGS

-Are you insane? -What?

That was Lawrence Maddox's wife, Elizabeth. Her father owns Sharps.

What, that was her? The Mussolini baby.

-I could go back� -Do not approach Elizabeth Maddox.

Do not talk to her, don't make eye contact with her.

-You understand? -Am I supposed to be afraid?

Yes.

I don't know the meaning of fear.

There are many words you don't know the meaning of.

What does that mean?

When I think of all people who'd kill to be where you are...

...you lumber in here, spitting food...

...haven't got the brains God gave a mollusk.

-Why did Clayton hire you? -Snipe magazine.

What?

Clayton started this magazine called Snipe.

Just took down all the self-important celebrities in town.

It was completely fearless. Like my magazine, but 20 years earlier.

I am the young Clayton Harding. That's why he hired me.

He looks at me and he sees his glory days.

-His glory days? -Yeah.

Sharps has won over 14 national magazine awards...

...and increased its advertising pages by 60 percent.

He makes millions of dollars a year...

...lives in Bank Street townhouse and weekends in the Hamptons.

Harding is the lynchpins of the media industrial complex.

Don't worry about that. I think I might just be in time to save him.

PHONE RINGING

SIDNEY OVER MACHINE: Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.

The answering machine is out of order. The voice you are hearing is actually me.

What do you want?

MAN: Sidney, are you there?

Sidney, it's your father.

If you're there, Sidney, please answer the phone.

Sidney, are you there?

SIDNEY: Wow, look at that.

Are you two texting each other?

LAUGHING

There's 100 grams of food here and I think I'm the only one eating it.

-You want some? -No.

-This place is a wall-to-wall tottie. -Wall-to-wall what?

Tottie. You know, babes, sexually attractive women.

-Do you mind? -What?

MAN: Hey, Lawrence. How are you? LAWRENCE: Hey.

I'm good. Good to see you.

All night long, people have been treating us like royalty.

In London, the motto is "everybody hates us and we don't care."

Now you're one of the priests of what's hot and not.

I shouldn't even be here. I get thrown out of places like this.

CELL PHONE RINGS

Lawrence Maddox? Oh, my goodness.

-Long time. -Yeah.

Rachel.

Rachel, how are you?

Well, I'm wonderful, I'm just wonderful. How are you?

You know, it is so funny I should run into you.

I've just done this great little film. It's called Five Burroughs.

It's low-budget, first-time directorial, but it's really moving.

Hey, you know, maybe you could do a little�

Vincent. Good to see you.

-Lawrence, right? -Yeah.

-How are you, sir? -Good.

-Good to see you. -How's the picture?

Pretty close to perfect, if I can just get all the experts to leave me alone.

I have screenings next week. You should come by.

Hey, that was Rachel Petkoff.

She's a fantastic actress.

She's not done anything for a while, but in her day�

-Sure. -Seriously. She's due for a comeback.

-We should get in there, do a profile� -Sidney.

I'd like to introduce you to Vincent Lepak.

Enfant terrible.

In my opinion, the most exciting new director in American cinema.

VINCENT: This is the worst fundraiser I've been to.

LAWRENCE: It's a rat-fuck, isn't it?

VINCENT: So....

SIDNEY: Excuse me.

Urn.... Could I have your autograph, please? I'm a huge fan.

-Is that so? -Yeah, seen everything you've been in.

Those episodes of The Love Boat and The Bionic Woman...

...and Song Birds. In the Night.

And I saw your first ever TV appearance: The Twilight Zone, "House of Mirrors."

BOTH LAUGH

-Right. -Yeah.

But my all-time favorite has to be A Day Too Long.

You were great in that.

CHUCKLES

What's your name, honey?

It's Sidney. Sidney Young.

Sidney Young.

-Thanks. -I'll remember that.

CHUCKLES

Thank you.

I mean, you look around you and it's all shit, you know?

No one's making movies that are worthwhile.

I have to disagree with you, Vincent.

You're making movies that are worthwhile.

This is what I'm saying. This is what I'm saying.

You have to inspire yourself. I am my role model.

I wanna be me.

-What's the greatest film ever made? -Excuse me?

What is the greatest film ever made? Have a guess.

No, I don't know. I don't think there is one.

-Have a guess. VINCENT: Yeah, have a guess.

-What's the greatest film made? -It's hard to say.

I mean, I personally love La Dolce Vita.

Ehh-ehh. Incorrect. Con Air.

I beg your pardon?

Con Air, right? It's got everything.

You've got Malkovich for your acting chops.

You got Nicky Cage for your action, Steve Buscemi for your comedy.

John Cusack for the gays, right?

It's like a smorgasbord, isn't it?

SIDNEY CHUCKLES

I don't think we've been introduced.

Mr. Young, this is Eleanor Johnson, queen of New York.

Sidney's from England.

He's our very own idiot savant, without savant.

Well, it's always nice to have fresh blood at these things.

Which reminds me, I am here with Sophie Maes.

I want you to meet her.

Her new film, The Making of a Saint, the buzz is amazing.

The release is being tied in with the Versace campaign...

...and Louis Vuitton is on the line.

-This train is leaving the station. -What are you, a publicist?

I don't really like that word, Sidney.

What do I call you, then?

You can call me Eleanor.

All right.

There she is.

MOUTHING

MOUTHS Come on.

WATER SPLASHING

Oh, my God.

MAN: Sophie, give us a smile.

That's it.

WOMAN 1: She's in the pool. WOMAN 2: Wow.

PEOPLE CLAPPING

This one will go far.

Where's the car?

What's it doing at the back?

Forget what I said. I want it at the front now.

I just think it's so awful how we're still exploiting animals...

...which is why I won't wear fur or leather or wear makeup.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm with you on that one. I won't eat anything with eyebrows.

Or something that can chuckle. I never eat an animal that could chuckle.

I'm sorry, I can't really understand your accent very well.

Oh, it's nothing. So you're an actress, are you?

-You've not won any Oscars, then? -No.

Because I would definitely vote for you for Best Supporting Dress.

I haven't been nominated for anything.

-I realize that, I was� ELEANOR: Sophie.

-Dear, are you ready? SOPHIE: Yeah.

SIDNEY: No, I was joking. You know, because your dress�

ELEANOR: Now, you know what to do.

MAN 1: Sophie. MAN 2: Sophie.

Sophie, thank you. Lovely. Lovely.

PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING

MAN 3: Sophie, Sophie. MAN 4: Over here, Sophie.

ELEANOR: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

All right, let's get in.

-I'm going to the Circle Club. I'll see you. -Okay. Good night.

-Budge up. LAWRENCE: Where are you going?

-I'm coming to the club. -You're not on the list.

DOG BARKS

-Cuba. -See, even Cuba says so. Heh-heh-heh.

Cuba.

IN BABY VOICE Who's a good boy?

To the Circle Club.

SIDNEY: Oh, God. That just turns my stomach.

He's pawing all over her.

-He's old enough to be her father. -He isn't.

Yes, he is. I was producing sperm when I was 13, technically.

For your information, he wasn't pawing her, he was just doing his job.

Sharps has to have a star on the cover every month.

Most of those stars are Eleanor's clients.

-So do not piss her off. -She's a flack.

Hacks do not take orders from flacks.

And I wouldn't call that doing his job.

-He had no blood left in is upper body. -Ugh. Would you...?

Oh, and the next time you wanna do that hilariously ironic...

... Move-Con Air skit�

I wasn't being ironic.

Would you mind not doing it in front of Vincent Lepak...

...who happens to be very important?

I could tell that by the way he was allowed to stay up past his bedtime.

-Do you think she'd go out with me? -Who?

Sophie Maes. Think she'd go out with me?

No. Girls like Sophie do not date journalists.

As far as she's concerned, you're the help.

Oh, what do you know?

Anyway, a lot of these starlets are lonely.

All they do is look around for men.

This is New York, Sidney.

Women only date men who are successful.

I'm gonna be successful.

-And tall. -Oh.

SIREN WAILING

Have you seen this?

She's everywhere.

LAWRENCE: Great coverage.

WOMAN: From Sophie Maes. -Ah.

"Thanks for the great night."

Sweet kid.

Sidney, about last night. A word of advice:

Don't talk to the celebrities.

Sophie said you made her uncomfortable.

So Brad's people finally got back to me and they've agreed.

We have the whole afternoon before the shoot.

Good work, Lawrence.

Okay, if that's it�

Ahem. Actually, I was thinking, Clay.

Um, Paris Hilton.

I do a profile on her as if she's this complete recluse.

Okay, like a hermit, you know. I'm tracking her down.

Who is the elusive Paris Hilton and why is she so publicity-shy?

Heh-heh-heh. Do you get�?

Because it's a....

Isn't it? It's good.

Just changing it....

That's first-room stuff, Sidney.

And call me Clay one more time, see what happens.

I thought I was quite good. Sorry.

No, I'd love this, but I'm so fat I couldn't.

Get out of here.

You look totally rexy.

Oh, God, that's so sweet.

SIGHS

I don't mean to be rude, but what the fuck do you want?

You know how things work here. How am I gonna get a piece in?

I thought all this fluff was beneath you.

It is beneath me, but things have changed.

What's changed?

I know everybody thinks I'm an idiot, okay?

And maybe I didn't have the best start here, but I�

I want....

I want to have sex with Sophie Maes before Maddox does.

You're loathsome, do you know that?

I know he's got a head start, but I think I can win her.

Once I get my hooks into a girl, she never gets free.

-Like ringworm? -If you like.

Where are you going?

You, buddy. You big corporate dick-lick.

Oh, hello. I'd like to apply for a MasterCard, please.

Yeah.

Hon. Sidney Young.

Hon. H-O-N.

It's short for honorable.

Yeah, it's a British title.

The queen? Yeah, I know the queen.

She used to be in my break-dancing posse.

She's a body-popper more than anything.

Fuck!

LAWRENCE: Well, hello. Cuba.

LAWRENCE CHUCKLES

He likes you.

So how does it feel to be a star?

Oh, no, don't. It's so embarrassing, God.

Those pictures are everywhere now.

And I had no idea that dress was so see-through.

Plus everybody's talking like it was some stunt.

-Such a cynical age. LAWRENCE: Yeah.

Hello, Sidney.

CHUCKLES

Hi, I was just looking for my� You know. I didn't know you were coming in today.

Lawrence is taking us to lunch at Cipriani.

Ah! That's nice.

Oh, Lawrence, can I leave Cuba here?

He doesn't like Italian food.

Oh, of course you can. He can stay in my office.

Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water, will you?

Of course.

That is a lovely ring.

Where is that from?

It was my mother's. She gave it to me.

Oh, you sweetie.

That is very, very....

So listen.

You've met Vincent Lepak, haven't you, Sidney?

-Yea -Yea

See, he has a new movie coming out soon...

...and Lawrence is overstretched as it is.

How would you like to do the feature on him?

Yeah, I would, actually. Yes, I'd like that very much.

Well, great.

Maybe we can get together and discuss the angle.

Okay.

What do you mean, "angle"?

Well, I'd need to know how we're gonna present Vincent.

You know, check the story, so on.

Are you saying you want copy approval?

Any stories written about my clients need to be in their best interest...

...that's all.

And if things work out with Vincent...

...maybe we can talk about a follow-up story on Sophie.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, Eleanor, I don't work that way.

CHUCKLES

Sidney, dear...

...think of it like this.

You write about one of my clients...

...you are borrowing some of their starlight...

...to help sell your magazine.

All I'm saying is quid pro quo.

Sorry, "starlight"?

-Come on. SOPHIE: I just don't usually eat carbs.

Hello, Cuba.

Hello.

It's Uncle Sidney.

Come to see how you are, yes.

What's this?

Would you like a little play? Would you like a little play?

Would you like a little play?

Fetch.

There you go. That's it.

That's it, that's it.

Well done, well done.

You and me are gonna be pals, aren't we?

Yes, we're gonna be pals, yes.

You're gonna like me much better than that prick Maddox, aren't you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Okay, ready? Ready?

BALL CLATTERING

IN DISTORTED VOICE Oh, no.

WHIMPERS

SCRAPING

SIDNEY: Come on.

Come on.

Shit. Come on.

Come on.

ALISON: That's my bag. -Ah.

I was gonna borrow it.

What are you talking about?

I'll bring it right back.

Let me borrow it.

-I wanna borrow� -Give me my bag.

Give me my�

-Oh, my God. -I....

-Ah! -It was an accident.

What did you do?

I was trying to make friends, and then it was�

Don't tell her, okay? Just please don't tell her.

SOPHIE: Cuba.

Have you seen a little Chihuahua?

Oh, fucking hell.

LAWRENCE: Cuba.

SOPHIE: Cuba. LAWRENCE: Cuba.

SOPHIE: Cuba.

What are you doing?

-You just can't� LAWRENCE: Alison.

Have you seen Cuba?

-What? -Have you seen Sophie's dog?

Oh, urn....

No, no idea.

Come on, help us find him.

Don't worry. He couldn't have gone too far.

SOPHIE: Cuba. Cuba.

Cuba.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Clayton, have you got a minute? -Did you find that rat yet?

No, not yet. It's probably just got out the building.

Congratulations on the man-of-the-year thing.

-How was lunch? -I don't know.

A thousand dollars a plate. All I could taste was ass.

I'm kissing their ass, they're kissing my ass.

I get this dream sometimes.

Someone's set fire to the building.

Heywoods, Sharps Magazines, the whole thing up in flames.

My analyst, he thinks it's an anxiety dream.

I never let him know how happy I am watching the fucker burn.

What do you want?

I wanna write a story about Vincent Lepak.

Not a puff piece. Something funny with teeth.

You know, like Snipe would have done.

Everyone's treating him like a genius and he's not.

-He's an idiot. -Look at these things.

How'd I get a closet full of blue fucking shirts?

I don't know.

I don't know, either.

This is an office, for God's sake.

Why have I even got a fucking closet?

-Do it. -Do it?

Fuck it. Yeah, do it. He's an annoying little prick.

We'll take him down.

This is your shot.

Thanks, Clayton.

-You're my little hit man. -I am your little hit man.

-Go do it. -Okay.

You could call me the jackal.

-Out. -Okay.

-Mr. Young? -Yes.

I'm Sophie Maes' assistant.

I'm afraid Sophie isn't here right now.

Yeah. I know she's here, okay? I'm not a stalker.

I just know she's upset because she lost her dog.

She isn't here.

All right. Can you please just find out if she got my present?

Okay.

-Did you send the flowers? -Flowers?

Yeah, she doesn't get enough flowers. I sent the fish.

Oh.

You know, goldfish in a bowl.

Did she get them?

Yes, but they were dead.

-All of them? -Yeah.

It was kind of shocking, actually. Were they dead when you sent them?

What do you�? No, no.

Who sends people dead fish?

The Mafia.

MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV

Oh, my God.

You're like a serial killer.

No, no, no. That wasn't me.

I laid him to rest.

Cuba. I took him out to the�

-Just wanna tell you� -I don't wanna know.

-You might not want your bag back. -Stop.

Sorry.

Also, just the whole not-telling-them thing...

...I just wanted to say that I appreciate that.

You didn't have to do it and a lot wouldn't have.

But why didn't you?

You don't need my help to screw up here, Sidney.

The only things you make are mistakes.

And stains.

-Can I help you? -Oh, just a couple of straws, please.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Hey, let me ask you. What is it with this book?

You're always writing in it. Is it a diary?

Am I in it?

It's a novel I'm working on, all right?

-Wow. -Yeah, go ahead, I know.

I'm a walking cliche.

No, it's all right. That's very impressive.

-And you're writing that by hand? -Yeah.

It's� I don't know.

It keeps it separate from the magazine work.

-It makes it seem special. -Hmm.

You're full of surprises, sister.

BOTH CHUCKLE

SIDNEY: White Russian.

-Waiting for your boyfriend? -Yeah.

He'll be here soon so....

What does he do, this mystery guy? Is he like a hack too or...?

Actually, he's a poet.

Oh, is he?

-What does he look like? -What?

Poets are not known for being that good-looking.

Because they're in dark rooms, they look like Gollum.

-He's probably: -He's very handsome, thank you.

Of course he is.

You know what I don't understand?

You're desperate to get a story in the magazine.

Why wouldn't you play ball with Eleanor? Write the puff piece?

I resent being bribed to gush sycophantically about a star.

I choose to gush sycophantically.

Okay.

Clayton's given me a story so I'm on my way.

Well, that's good.

MAN ON TV: �after these messages.

NARRATOR ON TV: In a world where passion is forbidden and belief divine...

...the love she withheld from a man she gave to all mankind.

You've given yourself to Christ, my child.

But I love him.

How can it be wrong?

/ believe in love.

That is all we have and we must give it wherever it is most needed.

NARRATOR: Sometimes before you can find God, you have to find the world.

Calcutta.

Stand up, Mother Teresa.

NARRATOR: Sophie Maes is Mother Teresa in The Making of a Saint.

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Anyway, I'd better shoot off and leave you in peace with your poet.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

I've still got the receipt, so....

CLAYTON: Which make it a half a page left.

Lawrence, any ideas?

Yeah, Rachel Petkoff.

Fabulous 70s actress.

One of my all-time favorites.

Just made a movie called Five Boroughs.

I think she's poised for a comeback and I think we should get there first.

Do a piece.

Sounds good. Let's do it.

Okay, that's it, people.

Clayton?

CLAYTON: What?

Did you read my piece on Vincent Lepak?

What? Oh, yeah, that....

That's not gonna work.

Oh, and for those of you who haven't heard...

...Alison will be running the "I Spy" section from now on...

...as Lawrence here is moving up in the world.

He's replacing Greg Roberts as deputy editor.

PEOPLE CLAPPING AND CHATTERING

-Way to go, Lawrence. -Thanks.

Yeah, congratulations.

Sorry, Rachel Petkoff is one of your favorite actresses?

You'd never fucking heard of her. That was my idea.

Well, so it was, yes.

If you have any more good ideas, don't forget to bring them by my office.

By the way, there have been complaints about you...

...skulking around the water cooler trying to talk to women.

-It's inappropriate behavior. -What?

You spend your life chatting up the staff.

When I do it, it's called flirting.

When you do it, it's sexual harassment. Consider this an official warning.

I will not tolerate sexist behavior.

LAWRENCE: I know that wasn't Greg's way of working...

...but Greg isn't deputy editor anymore.

I am.

And I'm making changes.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What? -Hi, Lawrence.

There's a lady here that's been looking for you.

Can I help you?

Are you Lawrence Maddox, the new deputy editor?

Yes.

I'm here to congratulate you on your promotion.

Thank you. I'm sorry, you are...?

DONNA SUMMER'S "HOT STUFF" PLAYING

I'm your present.

SIDNEY: Lawrence, this is inappropriate behavior, wouldn't you say?

This is wrong, I should record this.

Such a misuse of company time.

-Stop. -I'm not doing anything.

Holy cross.

-Hey, Mrs. Harding. -Oh, hi, Ingrid.

Oh, my God, so adorable.

This is Ingrid from the Fashion Department.

You're getting so big.

Where's Mr. Maddox now?

Oh, he moved to Room 217.

-It's just over there. -Oh, okay.

-Bye. -Bye.

Come on, girls, let's go see Mr. Maddox.

My God, my Lord above.

This is terrible. Oh, good Lord.

Ho-ho. There's a surprise. Look at his face. Wow.

What do you think�?

Mrs. Harding?

Girls.

SIDNEY: Bobbie. -What?

I've got cock on my hand.

I see what you're saying.

CLAYTON: Whatever you like, there'll be plenty of time before we lock it in.

-Great. -If you wanna change it�

ELEANOR: All right. Love you.

Get in.

I didn't know it was take-our-daughters-to-work day.

I didn't know there was a day.

Shut up.

You know, when I told my wife I'd hired another Brit...

...she was excited.

She still thinks you're all like something out of Pride and Prejudice.

But after what she just saw in that room...

...now she thinks you're a British person born in New Jersey.

Why did I hire you?

I don't know. Why did you hire me?

I had an attack of nostalgia, but it's passed like gas.

-What was wrong with my story? -What?

Why did you kill my Vincent Lepak story?

It wasn't good enough. Simple as that.

-It wasn't good enough. -We don't do hatchet jobs here.

-It wasn't. -Your opening quotation:

"It's only too easy to catch people's attention...

...by doing something worse than anyone else has dared do it before."

Who are you thinking of here, yourself or Vincent?

He is a talentless pretentious twat who thinks cinema began with Tarantino.

Somebody needed to say that. You told "something with teeth."

I am trying to run a fucking magazine here.

A free press is the last defense against the tyranny of stupidity.

Save me your tin-pot philosophy.

It's not mine, it's yours. First issue of Snipe.

Would you grow the fuck up?

You are not Robin Hood.

You never were. You�

You bitch about famous people...

...for the same reason I used to bitch about them.

Because they got invited to the party and you didn't.

Well, Sidney, you're at the party now.

Quit your bitching and do your fucking job.

You're on your last life here, you understand that?

One more fuck-up like today, you are gone.

Won't you have to run a decision like that past Eleanor first?

Get out.

PEOPLE CLAPPING

ALL CHEERING

MUTED DIALOGUE

TALKING INDISTINCTLY

BOY: Oh, hurry.

ALISON: I can't believe you hired Bob as a stripper.

SIDNEY: I didn't hire him. She did it as a favor.

ALISON: I thought you wanted to be a success here.

SIDNEY: I do.

It wasn't me, it was Clark.

ALISON: Oh, your alias, right?

BOTH CHUCKLE

I don't think Clayton's gonna publish anything I write, you know.

I've been on salary for four months now and I've written probably 175 words.

I think dollar-per-word basis...

...I am the highest paid writer in the history of this magazine.

He is not gonna renew my contract.

Well, what do you expect?

Vincent's one of Eleanor's clients. I told you, they're untouchables.

I thought Clayton was different. I really did.

The only thing I'm good at is pissing people off.

He won't let me do that.

My glory walks hand in hand with my doom.

It's Troy.

-Troy who? -Troy the movie.

LAUGHS

Clayton only invited me here so I could be shunned.

Everybody hates me.

You're the only one that will talk to me.

-You cornered me. -I'm serious.

LAUGHS

You're the person that's been, you know, most abusive to me.

LAUGHS

SIDNEY: Excuse me for a sec.

MAN: Wonderful.

RACHEL: Really? SIDNEY: Rachel.

RACHEL: Intuitive. -Hey.

Hello again.

Hello.

No, Lawrence is a wonderful writer.

I really felt like he got to the heart of me.

-Ha! -I'm sorry, have we�?

It's Sidney.

Sidney Young. We met at the poolside benefit.

I saw Five Boroughs the other day and I just wept�

-Oh, no. -...like a baby.

It was absolutely incredible.

I just thought it was the best piece of work I've seen, and�

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

LAWRENCE: Sophie, darling.

-Ravishing as ever. -Hi.

Did you all know that Lawrence published a book of poetry?

-No. -Called The Hollow Heart. It's terrific.

-You write poems? -In another life.

Cointreau?

MAN: Yes, thank you.

And the White Russian.

Right here.

LAWRENCE: Well, well, if it isn't Sidalee.

What time does the stripper come on?

LAUGHING

Shut up, Maddox.

Where's your sense of humor, Sidney?

Choke.

Choke, choke.

Choke.

Choke.

Hi, Mrs. Harding.

Hi.

It's a lovely party.

Happy 4th.

Jesus.

Has anyone ever told you before that you have an unusually dark aura?

Yes.

You should walk with bare feet as much as possible.

Ground all that negative energy.

What are you, a wizard or what?

I'm a spiritual healer.

Can you make a living out of that?

God, no.

I'm a dentist.

Oh.

You wanna do some coke?

BAND PERFORMING "YANKEE DOODLE"

GIGGLES

CHATTERING

SINGING England, England, England

England, England, England

England, Eng�

Oi. Orlando.

You used to be English.

England, England, England

England, England

Fuck.

Ow.

CHATTERING AND MUSIC RESUME

Are you okay?

What?

I said, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

-You? -Yeah.

No, actually, I'm not.

I hate my life. So, you know, I'm gonna get drunk.

Right, well.

I'll see you, then.

-How could you? -What?

How the�?

-You and Maddox having an affair. -Shh!

For Christ sake, the man with hidden shallows.

I used to think�

I started�

When I met you, I thought you were a bit of a pain, but I�

Goddamn it, Maddox.

How can you live with yourself?

I couldn't, that's why I've broken up with him.

That's no� You broke up with him?

SNIFFLES

-Which leg did you hurt? -This one.

Ow! God! Fuck! God.

You know what?

There's something very damaged about you.

Ha.

Like an animal that's been hit by a car or something.

Like a deer...

...or like a pig, maybe?

When they walk all funny...

...and the other animals keep away from them....

Little limpy pig.

I'm drawn to sick animals.

That's why I picked Cuba.

Because he had, like, psychological problems.

CHUCKLES

Poor old Cuba.

Where is he now?

Jesus, I'm wasted.

Are you wasted? Because I'm really wasted.

I slept it off.

Congratulations on becoming incredibly famous, by the way.

Thanks.

What's that like?

Weird.

It's all happening so fast...

...and it sort of feels like it has nothing to do with me.

Kind of like I'm not really even here.

You know what would be nice, though?

Some coke.

It's probably just as well I don't have any, though.

Coke always makes me so horny.

Wizard. I need the wizard dentist.

I need� I need the wizard.

Not you. The dentist-wizard man.

Have you�? The wizard, have you seen him?

Like a wizard-stroke-dentist.

-Dee-deet! DENTIST: Okay, all right. You got it.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

It's okay.

I will never, never, never forget this.

It's okay, really.

What are you doing?

None of your business.

You can't drive like that, okay? Go just sleep it off.

Firstly, you are a stupid asshole and I hate you.

And secondly�

-Secondly� -Okay, okay, okay.

I hate you because you're a stupid asshole.

If you drive in this condition, you are gonna kill yourself.

Who'd care if I did? I hate my life.

-Oh, I gotta go, I gotta go. -No, just come on.

No, don't touch me.

I hate rental cars.

I hate them.

No, give me the keys.

I've gotta go home.

SIGHS

I thought I had it all figured out.

A, get the hell out of Port Huron, come to New York.

B, do the serious journalism thing to pay the bills while I write the novel.

C, win the Pulitzer.

-E. -D.

D. I don't know what D was.

Then I took the internship at Sharps, and I met....

I met Maddox.

And then before you know it...

...I'm writing 10 tips for the fucking metrosexual...

...and pretending this is what I wanted and this isn't what I wanted.

-That's why I hated you. -I didn't know.

You were right about me. I'm a ghoul writing fluff.

No, you're not a ghoul, okay? You're a zombie.

-A ghoul is� -Am I afraid of a real relationship?

I mean, do I think an affair is all I deserve?

I mean, okay, he's handsome and successful...

...and he's great in bed.

Oh, God. Be quiet.

Fine.

When I told him I couldn't see him anymore...

...I don't know if he cared.

I love him and I don't know if he cares.

I'm sure� Look, I'm sure� I'm sure he does care, okay?

He's probably just not very good at expressing his emotions.

SOBBING

Okay, well, let's just calm down, okay?

Don't get snot everywhere because it's a rental.

Oh, God.

What?

VOMITING

SIDNEY: Ho-ho-ho. Oh.

Oh, that's grim.

Alison, what's your address?

Alison, I need to know your address.

Well, I� How...?

ALISON MOANING AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

ALISON: No more stairs now.

Will you shut up?

You're gonna wake the old witch up.

ALISON: Why are we stopping?

Hi.

Did we wake you?

ALISON: Oh, God, I'm a whore.

I'm a whore.

I'm a�

I'm a whore.

Hello, Dad.

BANGING AND CLATTERING

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO

I love this song.

She's not actually a prostitute.

Oh, good.

So, Sidney's dad.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Alison.

-Delighted to meet you. -I'm from Port Huron.

Port Huron.

You must be Sidney's mommy.

-No, I'm not. -Okay.

I mean, my dad remarried, too, so that's cool.

Where are my cigarettes?

Oh, what is this?

CHUCKLES Oh.

Hey, is this...?

I think it's probably cocaine.

Yeah. That, I� It wasn't actually for me.

I was gonna give it to this young actress.

So, Mr. Sidney, what are you doing here?

-Please, call me Richard. -Richard.

Well, I've written a little book.

-A book. -And I'm doing some talks.

I'm writing a book. What's yours about?

I write books on philosophy.

-Philosophy. -Ideas.

Oh, my God.

Richard Young?

You're�? You're R.C. Young?

You never said your dad was R.C. Young.

I bought you the book. I'd love to hear what you think.

What would Sidney know about philosophy?

Well, he does have a Master's in the subject.

LAUGHING You're shitting me.

He� He likes Con Air.

-Oh. I don't feel very good. -Come on.

-Time you were in bed. ALISON: Okay.

You can sleep on the couch.

It was a pleasure to meet you, Lord Young.

MOUTHING What? You?

You should have said you were coming.

That would have required you answering one of my calls.

Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy.

Of course.

I picked up your magazine at the airport.

It's most enjoyable.

I particularly liked the young Hollywood actress...

...who said she would like to start her theater career somewhere small...

...like London or England.

-Why must you always do this? -It's just a little joke.

It's not a little joke, is it?

-You're saying what I do is worthless. -I don't think it's worthless.

I think that you know in your heart you could be doing more.

More?

Sharps Magazine is one of the most respected magazines in the world.

There's a million hacks that would give anything to be where I am.

Do you know who I hung out with just today?

Orlando Bloom.

I don't know who that is.

Of course you don't know. You don't know who anyone is.

You thought Brad Pitt was a cave in Yorkshire.

The thing is most people do know who that is.

Most people wouldn't think hanging out with celebrities was a disappointment.

I don't think you're a disappointment, Sidney. I've� I've never thought that.

I'm sorry, I�

I didn't mean to upset you.

Things haven't been that great, actually, Dad.

I don't know why, I�

I can't seem to get ahead.

-If you're not happy� -No, I'm fine, really.

I can make it, I know I can.

Einstein said:

"Try not to become a man of success...

...but rather to become a man of value."

The young lady in the bedroom there, Alison...

...she wouldn't have anything to do with your desire to stay on?

No, we're just friends.

Anyway, she says that New York women don't go for losers.

I suppose not.

But Alison is from Port Huron, isn't she?

CHUCKLES

SIGHS

SNORING

SNORTS

SNORTS

DOOR CLOSES

ALISON: Hi.

Morning. That is a good look for you.

I don't remember much from last night, but I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, my God, your father.

And that woman.

Oh, Mrs. Kowalski?

Don't worry, the last woman she caught me with had a penis.

So you're a big step up.

Thanks.

Who is that?

That's my mother.

No way. Was she a model?

Actress.

-In movies? -Some.

-You know, British, small parts. -Is she still�?

No, she died when I was young.

Must be pretty cool having your mom in movies.

Well, I used to see her on the TV from time to time when I was growing up.

You know, which is kind of weird.

Okay, full English fry-up. Perfect hangover cure.

Get your gob around that.

-Huh? -Mm. Not again.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh.

SNIFFS

Ha. Hi. Heh-heh.

I was just� You know.

Just rooting through your personal possessions.

I like the opening.

-You do? -Yeah.

Can I read the rest? I am a pretty good editor.

I don't even know if I'm gonna bother finishing it.

Hey, keep true to the dreams of thy youth.

Is that Troy again?

It's Schiller.

I'm gonna jump in the shower and then I really will get out of your hair.

Well, wait, because I got you a present.

I was walking past this record shop. I thought it might cheer you up, so....

You said it was your favorite film.

That is....

I don't even know what to say.

I don't have a turntable.

Well, you could always come around here and listen to it.

NINO ROTA'S "LA DOLCE VITA (IN VIA VENETO)" PLAYING

Are you kidding?

-I could throw up on you again. -Oh, come on.

Come on.

There we go.

Come on, don't be shy. I'm a great mover.

LAUGHS

CHUCKLES

INGRID: Hey, Alice?

Versace. You like?

I'm good, thanks.

You know, honey, everybody needs to change their look every now and then.

Especially when they have a new man in their lives.

What? I'm� What are you talking about?

Well, that English guy is always hanging around you these days, right?

Tell me it isn't so.

Of course not.

ANNA: Thank God. Can you imagine? He's such a creep.

This is gorgeous, but I'm just too fat.

Don't be crazy.

Alice, is Anna fat?

Not at all. Why, she's so thin I could take her spindly body...

...and snap her over my knee like a dry fucking twig.

And for your information...

...Sidney Young has more going for him than anyone in this place.

ALARM WAILING

It works, and that's good.

Elephants.

SIDNEY: Hey, Alison.

I was wondering if....

Hey, Alison.

I was wondering maybe if you wanted to go and see a movie or have a meal.

Do you wanna go on a date?

Might work.

LAUGHING

Eleanor.

Hello, Sidney.

I like your costume, Vincent.

-I'm not wearing a costume. -Oh.

-Idiot. -Wanker.

-I better go find Nick. -Okay, I'll see you.

Clara Bow?

-Louise Brooks. -Ah.

-Bela Lugosi? -George Hamilton.

George Hamilton's not dead.

Isn't he? That's a shame.

I was looking for you.

-There's something I wanted to tell you. -Me first.

I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to go to a movie or have something to eat.

What? I can't understand what you're saying.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

No, I just wanted to ask if�

-Back in a minute. -All right.

Uh....

I wanted to tell you that Lawrence has left his wife.

We're gonna be together, officially.

Oh, that� That's brilliant.

-So maybe he does care after all, right? -Yeah.

I'm going to....

So Alison told you we're getting together, right?

Yeah.

Should have done it long ago.

You know me, I'm just not very good at expressing my emotions.

You should be happy for her...

...you being friends and all.

Oh, Sidalee.

I thought as much.

Did you really think you and Alison...?

Things really didn't go all that well for you here, did they?

Oh, well.

Gave it your best shot.

THUNDER RUMBLING

Take the West Side highway, please.

-Eleanor, wait. -Ah!

Let me write the profile on Vincent.

CHUCKLES

I don't think so.

You can have complete copy approval. It will be like you wrote it. Aah! Aah!

Vincent, think about it.

Think about how humiliating it will be for me.

Please, I am begging you.

You....

You don't look like you're begging.

THUNDER RUMBLING

West Side highway, please.

CLAYTON: Sit down, Sidney.

Lawrence Maddox is no longer working for Sharps Magazine.

It seems that Elizabeth got tired of him screwing around and kicked him out.

She kicked him out?

Richard Heywood doesn't seem to like the idea...

...of employing an ex son-in-law.

So he's gone.

So is Alison Olsen.

Don't worry about Maddox.

He's already lined up something with Gotham Magazine.

I'm gonna need somebody to hold the fort at "I Spy."

Strictly on a temporary basis, you understand?

Oh, one more thing.

I had a call from Eleanor Johnson this morning wanting to know...

...if you would like to write a profile on Vincent Lepak.

I don't know how you did it, Sidney.

But somehow, you've made it to the next room.

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

-Hey. -Hey.

Nice robe.

Oh, thanks.

Ralph Lauren. It was a gift.

Who from?

Ralph Lauren. I was doing a piece and....

wanted to say congratulations. I heard about your promotion.

-I'm really happy for you. -Well, yeah, thanks.

-How's things going with you? -Good, fine.

Everything's�

I'm working for this little literary magazine.

It's not The New Yorker, but....

So I left you a bunch of messages.

Yeah, I know, I've been so busy.

Yeah, I thought so.

-Okay, well� -How's the novel going?

Oh, I'm still working on it.

You should keep at it, you know? I believe in you.

Actually, I never gave you these.

GROANS

There you go.

ALISON CHUCKLES

You know, you don't have to use them if you don't want.

I mean� Don't even look at it....

-You know� INGRID: Sidney?

Oh, hey, Alice.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Bye.

Sophie is going to get an Apollo Film Awards nomination for best actress.

Wow, that's great.

But the nominations haven't been announced yet.

That is correct.

Which is why we have absolutely no way of knowing...

...whether or not she will be nominated.

But when she is nominated, we would like Sharps to do a feature.

Someone to cover the whole lead-up.

Unrestricted access.

The trajectory, the building of this unique brand.

I'm gonna have a logo.

So here's the deal. Sophie wants you to write the story.

You can be my bitch.

-Huh. -Merry Christmas, Sidney.

This is a cover story.

I think a little celebration is in order.

Chin, chin.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

MAN: Way behind. WOMAN: Come on.

-Just a little bit, come on. -I can't.

-It's too� It's too high. WOMAN: Come on.

-Just� Come on, don't wimp out. MAN: Come on.

-Come on. WOMAN: Come on, Sidney.

CROWD: Awww....

SOPHIE: Such a loser.

-You didn't do it. -It's high.

Oh, but you let me down.

-You couldn't do it. It's bloody high. MAN: Oh, no.

CROWD CHEERING

MAN 1: You have to� MAN 2: Come on.

-Look. -Look, look, look.

WOMAN: She's doing it.

CROWD: Yeah.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-What are you? -A limpy pig.

-What? -I'm your little limpy pig.

That's right, limpy pig.

And now it's time to pay a forfeit. What have you got?

I've got my little limpy pig dance.

CHUCKLING

SNORTING

CHUCKLING

Give me your ring.

Um, uh....

I can't.

-Come on. -No, I can't.

-Give me your ring, I want it. -I can't.

Okay.

If you give me your ring and I win tomorrow...

...HI let you have sex with me.

CROWD: Oooh.

SCREAMING OVER TV

MAN ON TV: It has left Rocky wondering where the others have gone.

His old anxieties about being left alone resurface�

WOMAN 1: Now there's an easy way to remember everything�

WOMAN 2: Oh, thank you, Mike.

/'// buy you a better one, just as soon as I�

No, you won't.

I'm always going to keep this one.

I'll never part with it.

Never, never, never.

Let's do it properly.

Please.

CROWD SCREAMING

MAN: Miss Maes, over here, and give us a smile.

One more smile, Miss Maes.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

What people don't realize is that all saints start out as human beings.

And all human beings fall in love at some point, right?

Mother Teresa still had romantic feelings like any young woman would so....

Well, well.

Look at you.

Made it all the way to the seventh room. Congratulations.

Wheel of fortune, right? You go up and I go down.

You here with Sophie? How about doing your rabbi a favor?

Put in a good word, a little interview.

-Is Alison here? -Alison? No, no.

We went our separate ways.

Actually, she left me.

She tells me she's in love with someone else.

Nope, not you I'm afraid, Sidalee.

Some guy named Clark.

Can you believe it? These are the sacrifices we make.

I don't need to tell you. This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

So listen, about Sophie, maybe a little interview?

It won't take long.

CROWD APPLAUDING

SIDNEY: So here I am at the center of everything.

I've got the tux. I've got the watch.

I've got the life.

/ am exactly where I wanted to be.

I've made it to Shangri-la.

INAUDIBLE Sophie Maes.

-I have to have the ring. -What?

SIDNEY: Please, give me the ring. -Keep away from me.

Mother told me to give it to the one. She's not the one.

ELEANOR: Have you lost your mind? -No, just�

I don't wanna be on the inside. I don't wanna be at the party.

I don't wanna have sex with you. I killed Cuba.

CROWD GASPS

GRUNTING

Yo, hey.

You fucking motherfucking fucker.

Goddamn�

Stop it. This is live.

You dog-fucking killer.

MAN OVER TV: Well, this is a strange one, Bobby.

We have certainly never seen anything like this before...

...at the Apollo Film awards.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

We do not know if this is a gag.

I've been informed that the young man involved in the altercation...

...is Sidney Young, an employee of Sharps Magazine.

SOPHIE: Aah! -Ow!

Get your hands off of me!

You're finished!

-Hey, Vincent. -Sidney.

VINCENT: Fuck. Ah. Oh.

LAUGHS

Have a nice flight.

I need a ticket to New York, please.

Uh....

The next available flight isn't until tomorrow morning at 10:00.

It arrives in New York at 6:30 p.m., local time.

Wait, there's nothing sooner?

No, I'm afraid not.

Fine, I'll take it.

ALISON'S VOICE: Hi, you've reached Alison. Please leave a message.

Joe, if that's you, I've got the tickets for Empire Park tomorrow.

/'// see you there. Bye.

Alison, it's me, it's Sidney.

Listen, my battery is very low and I wanted to�

Can I see you? I just�

I don't think I'm gonna be working for Sharps anymore.

But it's fine, because I thought I wanted all that stuff.

I thought I wanted to be special, have the money, be treated differently.

Can I get an upgrade?

But I don't, okay? And who's Joe?

Could I get your autograph?

What? Because I'm on the TV?

Because I'm up there close to the movie stars, you think I'm special?

For your credit card.

Yes.

Do you have any baggage?

Plenty.

Hey, stop the car, stop the car. Stop the car.

MOVIE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Hi.

Hi.

How's the novel coming along?

It's finished.

Thanks for the ending.

NINO ROTA'S "LA DOLCE VITA (FINALE)" PLAYING

Oh, fuck.

ENGLISH SDH