Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things That make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

So that's how I wound up smoking opium with Erma Bombeck.

But, enough of my stories,

we're here to tell yours.

Brian Griffin, you're up.

Sorry, I'm not quite ready.

I guess the "me" ate my homework.

Do you even have an idea?

Okay, a dog who's in a writing class

desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.

No, that's not an idea,

you're just describing what's happening.

Right. What about "The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo?"

You want to be a writer, Brian, yeah?

I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest.

Something so real and true,

if you can't express it, you'll die.

Okay, I got it.

The "Karate Adult."

Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references

or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you.

It's adventure, love, intrigue, life!

And until you live it, you have no business here.

Please turn in your scarf and leave.

Okay, next up, Joe Swanson.

"A dedication for Bonnie."

Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood.

"Detective Bo Bonsen held the gun and whispered, 'Who can't walk now?'"

Now that's writing.

Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.

We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.

You protested and we learned.

Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.

Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.

So we have a simple plan to win you back.

Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.

Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold

and flash your current genitals.

If they're both penises, you get a six pack, on us.

Bud Light. Wow.

How did we get here?

Hey, Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot?

No, I totally blanked.

What am I missing?

How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas?

When did we get a bookcase?

I have something amazing to say,

but don't know what it is.

It kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say.

What do you think it is?

What do I think you have to say?

I could get over my writer's block

if I could just step away from all the noise

and get inside the minds of the greats.

Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain...

-Are you gonna name a woman? -Jules Verne.

That's a guy, you turd.

It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.

-Jules? -Ashley?

Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.

most gay stuff was accidental.

I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,

we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?

You'd do that for me?

Of course I would, old friend.

I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.

She sounds so hot.

This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,

so he's got to have some good advice.

Luke can see you now.

Welcome, gentlemen.

If I knew you guys were coming,

I'd have taken a shower four months ago.

So Bathsheba said you're a writer?

Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.

Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.

Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,

mom's a whore, friends betray him,

he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,

running around like a zombie hippie.

No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.

Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.

How was I able to focus

to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?

Well, writing is the only distraction

from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.

You should simply stool on your desk.

Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.

You're not going to remember that?

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression...

Someone's not gonna kill themselves

because a cartoon dog said don't.

If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow"

what you can do the day after tomorrow.",

So good. Just dead on, man.

Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?

Suppose you were an idiot.

Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.

But I repeat myself.

Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.

Both?

Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.

He's not gonna know that one.

I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.

I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee

being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.

Oh, word?

It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.

I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".

Feels like we're winding down here.

Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?

You know, giving up smoking is easy.

I've done it hundreds of times.

I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.

Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.

I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.

-Oh, we did it again. -He did it again.

I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.

Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?

Interesting proposal.

I suppose I should be hesitant

but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.

Mark Twain.

Did you just quote yourself?

Yes, Mark Twain.

-So you'll do it? -I'd love to see the future,

and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,

"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".

You mean Huckleberry Finn?

See, that's already better.

I'll go fetch the manuscript.

Brian, this is a terrible idea.

We could change the course of history.

You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?

I mean, the Crusades, Hitler...

Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.

Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.

So what do you think we should write about?

Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy

going on an unsupervised journey.

For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.

What if Merlin...

We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.

It's your grave, pal.

Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.

Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather

in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."

Well that normally gets a huge laugh.

Let's build the book around that.

No, it's got to be real and compelling

and ripped from the headlines.

Maybe something about a murdered woman.

Why would anyone care if a woman died?

Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.

We should catch you up on everything you've missed.

In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid...

Soon after the United States entered something called World War I...

Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II...

And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon...

Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce...

Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.

So that's it. That's history.

My goodness gracious. Wow.

So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?

From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory

wonder of today,

the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.

I don't know why we invited Chris.

Okay, what about a murder mystery?

But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"

-I hate that. -A "Where-done-it?"

I wish you had dysentery,

because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.

A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.

We don't say that anymore.

A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.

He robs graves.

I think more details just make it worse.

And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.

Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,

then gets murdered by an NFT?

I have no idea what any of that is.

Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?

Could it be Dogecoin?

Some of these women are powerful attractive.

-What women? -On this hub, this hub of pornographs.

I need to use this outhouse for a moment.

What is a Latina?

It's like a regular woman, but different.

I think I like it.

Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,

falls in love with a vegan.

And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?

Hang on. Stewie's texting me.

Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.

We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.

I always say, find a job

you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.

And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.

I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.

Novels are stupid and meaningless.

I've been here a month

and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.

The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.

It makes everyone feel alive.

No, literature is important.

Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.

Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,

lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.

That's how all our great art was created.

By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.

We were all idiots.

I'd seen nothing.

I thought Hartford was amazing.

And now I wanna see it all.

A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.

That last line was not brought to you by Bud Light.

We're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

Please keep your voice down.

Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.

Raise your hand if you like novels.

Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.

See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.

Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.

And I have two of the three.

-Give me your phone. -No.

Brian as your friend,

I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.

Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.

Then you've left me no choice.

My scones! My cake pops!

My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!

I love porn.

I want to make porn.

I want to be porn!

Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,

but I have no idea what it looks like.

You turned one of the greatest writers

in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.

-I know it's a real "Where-done-it." -What?

Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.

Brian, you've now thrown history off course.

This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.

Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.

It's just one class.

It's not like you're gonna be here forever.

Mark Twain will be fine.

Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.

Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.

His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.

-What do you mean? -He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.

I handed it in to my professor.

The quality is undeniable.

He'll pass it on to his publisher.

And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.

You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?

Smart, right?

Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?

To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.

Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?

Actually, no. Why?

I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.

And then I read your book.

You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.

You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.

I'm afraid of trigger warnings.

The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.

I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.

And it takes place on stolen land.

Where are you sitting now?

Huck lives with two women

but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.

Why do you hate women?

You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.

They were on an adventure.

You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?

-No! -Plus putting them on a raft,

that's able-ist. Brian.

We all want to take the ride.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.

Oh, there it is, the word master.

You're worse than the school shooter last year.

At least he knew everyone's pronouns.

-I know you're a they. -I'm a whom, you pig.

There's whom's now?

Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,

so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.

What do you think?

Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?

It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.

And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.

No, consider yourself canceled, expelled

and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.

Fine. I'll get out of your hair.

Professor, can I take five for mental health?

Legally, I can't say no.

So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.

It's just a dumb community college, Brian.

How bad can it hurt your reputation?

Just watch some TV and relax.

And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits

once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!

T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!

Jonathan Jonathan!

Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!

Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!

Dildonna Wam-Wam!

Kenan's still here?

-Who are these people? -Finally a cast for my generation.

Thanks. I feel a little better.

We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.

We can do that now.

Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"

brought to you by Bud Light.

Screw it, we're touching the hot stove again.

Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in

a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.

Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,

so I have a call to make.

I can't believe this.

If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.

-Now I'm ruined. -That's your takeaway?

You tried to steal his book.

You think you're the victim here?

Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.

People are so anti dog, it's insane.

Guys, we have a bigger problem here.

Your little stunt ruined porn.

What are you talking about?

Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.

It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool

than to open them and remove all doubt.

The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.

I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.

Let them walk to school like I did.

That's not even Twain.

He stole it from Yogi Berra!

That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain

back into the past and undo this whole thing.

Fine. How are we gonna find him?

He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.

I have a condition called Datassbergers.

It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.

How the hell are we supposed to get to California?

Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man

and a boy making an unsupervised journey.

♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪

♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪

♪ Is that his dad? ♪

♪ No, that's a stranger ♪

♪ I guess that was normal ♪

♪ The time they were in ♪

♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪

♪ With a man and a boy ♪

♪ That's a sad reflection ♪

♪ Where we are as a nation ♪

♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪

♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪

♪ It was all men with boys ♪

♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪

♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪

♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

♪ It's a man and a boy ♪

♪ Just a man and a boy ♪

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

♪ Let's not ask questions ♪

♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪

♪ The man with the boy ♪

That whole time, we just went 30 miles?

Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.

Mark?

What happened?

This industry chewed me up and spit me out.

Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,

and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.

Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.

Ow!

I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.

And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...

Brian, this is one of our great writers,

and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.

Wait! Mister Twain,

my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.

I don't wanna ruin your life too.

Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.

Please let us bring you home.

Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?

Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.

Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.

You're good men.

No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.

You'll land in 1870.

Just step off and it's programmed to return here.

Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,

it'll change.

I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.

Did he just grab a tug tube?

Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!

Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!

We can't stop doing sex stuff.

Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.

Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school

reading remains completely unchanged.

Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.

-Uh-oh. -We've got the largest selection anywhere,

and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.

We pay cash for our new tubes,

saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.

And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.

I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.

But don't take my word for it.

Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.

I demand peak performance.

So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.

You can trust Twain Tubes,

man and boy operated since 1878.

That's gonna be hard to undo.

Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?