Original subtitles

Snow. Just like that?

Mr.

Simpson's on leave, and since I normally have a spare right now, I'm all yours.

Fantastic, huh?

History class isn't enough torture.

All right.

Simpson's lesson.

How -to videos.

Groups of four.

Due Thursday.

Go.

Darcy's reconnecting with her parents this week, so, partners?

Only good enough to work with when your girlfriend's gone? You know it.

So what's the topic?

How to Get Girls, taught by the masters of lady love, the Double D.

Double D? You guys named yourself after a bra cup?

You know it.

Man, if they taught getting girls in school, you guys would be in, like, pre

I bet neither of you can even get past hello with Rachel over there.

Bet you our lunch money we can.

Show me what you got, Afro -dorks.

Rachel, as a Lakers transplant, you've missed our secret moves? The ones only

you know about?

What? What mi amigo means to say is welcome to the land of love.

Let us be your tour guides.

All kidding aside, would you like to join our study group, Rachel?

Sure, Danny.

I'm Derek.

Whatever. You're both cute.

So, how to get girls. We need introduction, demonstration, and a

How to get girls.

You're serious?

Okay. How do we not make it totally lame?

We were just trying to think of something funny. Right, dude? Yeah.

exactly. You two are pretty tight, huh?

Brothers from different mothers.

Okay. Let's keep it simple. Like, how to buy gifts for girls?

Rachel, just being around girls turns your brains to mush.

Well, lucky they've got the looks.

Dude, you just hit on us. Say something, quick.

Rachel.

Would you like to hang out with us after school?

Sure.

Please, just skip J -Time for one day. I can't be in here alone.

Meg's suspension is all loose.

Yeah, because it's so easy to forget a sexual assault accusation. False

accusation. Darcy admitted it.

Okay?

I want to step daddy coming back.

Look, I'm just saying.

I hate Perino so much that, you know, I kind of miss the guy.

Wandering hands and all.

Hey, hey, step off.

Now.

Thanks. You didn't have to. When are people going to let it go?

I wish I knew.

You okay?

I'm better now.

I win.

Again.

I can't believe she's actually hanging out with us.

She's into one of you dorks.

I don't know what's wrong with her, but she is.

Just another case of LL Cool D.

Ladies love Cool Danny.

Dream on.

She's been eyeing me like a fat cat has a rack of ribs.

Whatever.

Let's just swear that no matter what, no chick will ever come between us.

Double D forever.

Double D forever, bro.

I'm a school project.

And what's in it for me?

Well, our video's about buying presents for fine ladies like yourself.

Lots of guys will be watching.

Guys with money.

Wednesday. You have two hours before close.

But I'll be watching your homeboy over there.

I... Homeboy? What the hell was that?

We paranoid.

Probably just a joke.

If it's not, Rachel's not gonna like this place either.

Rachel's going to be fine. Once I charm her into this.

What do you mean, charm her out of it? You're such a loser.

Who just got the store?

I'm the closer, bro.

In the Halifax case, the teacher was cleared, but he didn't go back.

The union rep said most teachers do return.

People want you back, Snake.

Even Damien said.

Can you pick up Jack on Wednesday?

Christine, it's hard to get organized when he's here.

Well, Manny's coming over on Wednesday. We can watch him.

You know students aren't allowed here until it's settled.

So, can I go to her house instead?

We're all meeting with the union rep Wednesday.

Great! I'm treated like a prisoner and I haven't done anything.

I know the feeling, Emma.

Check out my new toy.

Brand new.

Yeah, check this out.

Hey, Tony.

Rolling.

So smooth, I'm about to make Rachel's day.

Daniel, are you paying attention?

Rachel. Hey, so, um, I was thinking maybe, you know, me and, uh, uh, eat

Uh, maybe, like, you know, uh, together or whatnot.

Uh, Derek, how about for now we just...

Focus on these items.

Absolutely.

Yeah, no, brilliant.

Focus, focus.

I didn't say cut.

No, no, no, erase it now.

Hey,

what was all that about?

Just Derek trying to be funny.

So when are you going to teach him?

To be funny? Hey, I've tried. Yeah, I know.

Do you want to go out tonight?

Like, out? Out?

Yeah.

Okay. That'd be cool.

Yeah. Yes.

Please, Mr. Benz, if there is any way I can do a makeup... C -minus.

Should have prepped better.

Question six. The mole is not a rodent. It's a unit of measurement.

Oh, no. I blinked.

Do the work, Emma. Mark's that up.

Homes at school and schools at home, huh?

Stuff with your stepdad takes the focus off Kem, I guess.

Kem is seeking the backseat to Rules and Procedures 101 these days. Check this

out.

Heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

Quite the endorsement.

That's the title.

By Dave Eggers.

He's my favorite author.

Wow.

You're the first guy I've met who even has a favorite author.

His life goes haywire and he just steals.

I could learn a thing or two from that. The whole dealing thing is kind of

escaping me at the moment.

Call me later.

I'd love to hear what you think of the book.

Sick turtleneck, Franklin.

It's a dickie, dude.

How can you even say dickie with a straight face?

Because I'm not five years old.

Look, whatever, D, listen.

We've got to give Rachel the boot.

What? Why?

She stabbed me.

In the heart.

Man, she didn't stab anything.

Ever think maybe you're not the one that Rachel was after?

I'm the closer, D. I know, but still, you should prepare.

Mentally. In case.

In case what?

Is it Peter?

Because it couldn't be you.

Right, my brother?

That a hickey, dude?

What, you and Rachel? I'm the one, man. I'm the one she likes. What can I do?

Double D forever, huh?

Derek, come on. You know what?

The only thing you're good at is stealing.

And you stole her from me. Okay, she was mine.

You stole her from me.

Derek.

Derek, dude, quit it. You can't just ignore me.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Mr. Prino.

I need to switch groups.

Can't work with these fictitating lovebirds.

Well, it sounds like you've got a Yoko.

Yoko Ono. She married John Lennon. People say she broke up the Beatles.

The Beatles?

Look it up.

And you can't switch, okay?

So come together right now.

Don't worry.

We can work it out.

We can work it out, right?

After everything we've been through? Whatever.

It's not like I have a choice.

Dinner say Simpson -Nelson tonight?

Never thought I'd miss fake meat. I can't. The union lawyer says the Simpson

half can't be around students.

Wow, like you're under house arrest.

Not that bad.

Damien and I were on the phone until midnight.

Did you know he volunteers at an animal shelter? His mom's allergic, but he

loves dogs.

Wow, late night phone call phase already.

Okay, gangster.

This is done in ten and then out.

Understand?

Guys, we got ten minutes.

Roll it.

Okay.

Okay. Step three. Pick out something nice and cozy like a cami or PJs.

Dudes, let's get real.

Girls act like they're all nice, but really, it's all just a lie.

So... Get your girls this instead.

Crotchless panties.

Just like a girl's heart, these crotchless panties have a big hole in

Gross. Okay, if a guy bought me that, I'd dump it that.

Can we maybe try it with a pair of panties that have more crotch?

Fine. As long as your girlfriend isn't offended.

Right?

Guys, we're still rolling.

Told you this is the perfect chill -out spot.

Still working on the book?

I'm staggered by its genius.

Hmm. Clever.

So peaceful here. I love it. Yeah.

Me too.

Of course, it may have something to do with the company.

Not too pushy.

I don't want to seem desperate.

I'm not complaining.

Okay, fine.

Rufus, come.

Come.

Good dog.

Good dog.

Got a dog?

Yeah. I found him on Craigslist, free to a good home. I named him Eggers.

I'm sure he'll get used to it. Right, Eggers?

So you just up and adopted him?

Well, it's better than going to some awful lab experiment.

Maybe we can walk him together.

He'll be like ours.

Whoa. Ours?

You're a great girl, but we just started going out and now a dog?

Great. I went too fast.

Girl, you went NASCAR.

Eggers!

Dude, she likes him, not you. Just let it go.

You want to make the video funny?

Like really funny?

Roll the camera.

Okay, smell this.

Welcome to how to get back at your backstabbing best friend.

Step one, take some bloody lingerie.

That's so cute.

You like that one. Step two, sneak it into his bag.

Step three, his girlfriend finds it, thinks he's buying fur, and slaps him in

the face for being a total perv.

Voila. Sweet revenge.

Cut. Classic.

Too bad we can never use that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, we're hitting the dot. We'll see you lovebirds later. Have fun.

This is like the Inquisition. I'm guilty until proven innocent.

Sit, Rufus Eggers, and don't bark, please.

Okay, but even if I get cleared, what about my reputation? I mean, being

of sexual harassment doesn't just go away.

The union will help you weather that storm once we get there. We've heard

could take months.

Not necessarily.

We can't guarantee anything, but if you... I'm home, if anyone cares.

Better extremely late than never.

I was just trying and failing to have a normal life.

I'm sorry.

This is Monica.

The lawyer from the teacher's union.

Just here to help get things back to normal.

Normal. Whatever that is.

Is there a dog in the house?

I got him, but he's going back.

We'll both be out of your way.

You're not alone in this, Emma.

Tell that to the people who snicker behind my back.

or to my friends that aren't allowed to be here, or to the great guy that I

scared away because I am out of my mind.

That's my new normal, Monica.

I'm sorry. I really am.

Sorry about Derek getting all up in your kitchen like that. He's just jealous.

Hey, can I buy you some soap to cheer you up?

Let's just get out of here, okay?

Your bags.

Open them.

You didn't search the other guys? Well, I had every reason to trust them.

Come on, let's see.

Oh.

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

I don't know how it got there.

Right.

You people always have a scam.

Tell the police your sob story again, no doubt.

Phoebe, call security.

Run, now.

Just like a girl's heart, these crotchless pennies have big holes.

Gross. The film is rated NF.

Not funny.

Should have filmed Rachel's reaction.

Now that's comedy.

I knew that lady was racing.

I was not going to stick around.

And face the cost?

I guess not.

Look, FYI, Danny.

You don't have to steal to impress me.

You think I was going to steal? I don't know. I barely know you. I'm not a

thief, okay?

Then why'd you run like one?

I must have done it because I'm black.

That's great. Oh, please. Do not play the race card with me.

I'm not doing anything with you.

Where's your little girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

She didn't like a widow gift?

You put that in there?

Just want to raise you to see what a loser you are.

Guess it worked.

Did you think of what that racist manager would do when she found it?

Whoa, whoa, no, dude.

It was just a joke.

Really, it was just a joke.

It's never a joke when a blackhead gets caught with stuff in his bag.

Man, you just don't get it.

Dee?

I finished.

Thanks.

How's the dog?

Your dog?

Well, he's a family dog now.

Rufus Eggers and Snake really hit it off.

Cool.

The dog needs a good home.

Yeah.

I guess I really need my family too.

I'll see you around, Damien.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Eggers. Dave.

He's got other books.

You know, when a guy lends you his favorite books, maybe it's because he

you.

Though I haven't wrecked this, you don't think I'm crazy?

No.

Just crazy enough.

Separating and recycling will save the world.

Hooray.

God help us all.

Fantastic!

All right, who's next?

Group Fuzzhead.

Earth didn't really turn out.

Surprise, surprise.

Actually, I finished it last night.

Get jealous when your best friend gets the girl you like.

Uh, Derek, how about for now we just focus on the assignment?

Uh, yeah, totally. Um, absolutely, focus.

Step two, try to get even with some stupid prank.

Sneak it into his bag.

Step three, let your best friend take the fall.

It was a joke. It's never a joke when a black kid gets caught with stuff in his

bag. Man, you just don't get it.

T, with these easy steps, you'll end up with no project, no girl, and no best

friend.

Real touching.

C -plus.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

For what? You invented racism?

No. You know, for coming in between you and Danny like that.

But... I'm Danny.

Gotcha.

Good one.

Hey -o.

Come on, dude.

Looks like I got her back for you.

That's not the point, man.

You can't just sell me out to some racist the second you get mad or

I didn't even realize it can happen, okay? I swear.

So you were just being a jackass.

Just gotta wake up and smell the bigotry.

Yeah, no kidding.

Come on, man. What more do you want?

Here.

Free shot. Come on.

It's not good enough, man.