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Okay.

In the romance audiobook production system

there are two separate

yet equally important groups.

The authors who write the books,

and the narrators who read them.

These are their sto--

Ahem!

These are their stories.

Well...

no, this is just her story

The lady in the closet.

Her name's Jasalyn.

She goes by 'Jaw.'

'Jaw Recorder.'

Do the sound.

Katia met his eyes as he grabbed her.

He leaned in toward her ear.

His hot breath against her neck sent

chills down her spine as he whispered...

"Let's get out of here."

He slowly sid his hand--

He slowly slid his hand

down her back.

Part of her knew she should run.

but the bigger part

the part that sent a flush to her face

and a quiver down her thighs,

that part obeyed gladly.

The sweat drip

The sweat drip

The sweat drip

Oh, my god!

The sweat dripped between her breasts.

The cool breeze played across her

Four out of five

leaf blower related homicides

are committed by

audiobook narrators.

If a leaf blower is murdered

in your neighborhood

please report any known

audiobook narrators

to your local police.

The cool breeze played across her

Hey, Richard.

Hey.

I wanted to make sure you got my email.

Oh, no.

I've been recording all morning.

Layla just emailed,

said there's a rewrite

coming to the end of the book.

I wanted to make sure you hadn't

gotten to those chapters.

Uh

I'm only on

chapter three.

Three?

Well, I got a little behind

but

I've got my week clear

to get it done.

Well

check your email.

Will do.

And thanks so much for

getting me this book.

The cool breeze played across

Damn it.

Hey, Carly, what's up?

I got a ton to record.

Okay, just super quick.

Is this headshot too young?

You're kidding, right?

Okay. Uh...

I've been playing around with Photoshop.

What do you think?

Did I go too far?

No, I don't think you went far enough.

How about a halo?

Maybe some puppy ears?

How about some sparkles?

Rude.

Look, I gotta go.

I'm way behind on this book

and I got this new neighbor moving in.

I gotta go.

Oh, okay.

Drinks this weekend?

Yes.

Bye.

Okay, great.

The cool breeze played

It's so quiet here.

Ah!

I love it.

Muh-mah.

Muh-MAH!

Muh-mah, muh-mah, muh muh-muh-muh mah.

Guh gaw.

Guh gaw.

Guh GAW!

Guh GAW!

Guh-gaw, guh-gaw, guh guh-guh-guh-gaw.

Puh paw.

Puh paw.

Puh PAW!

Puh-paw, puh-paw, puh puh-puh-puh-paw.

In the audiobook production system

listeners will often leave reviews

on the narrator's performance.

These reviews can affect

the sales of the book

and also

whether the narrator is hired again.

Jaw, you're sounding really good.

Thanks, Patty.

I really feel the difference

in my head tones.

Anything else you want to work on?

We have 10 more minutes.

Well, actually, there was.

So...

I was looking over my

reviews the other day

You know better than to read reviews.

I know. Normally, I wouldn’t even care

but this one, it really--

I don't know, I kind of pride myself

when it comes to the steamy parts.

It's your bread and butter.

Well, thank you.

But this reviewer said...

well here, let me just read it to you.

The narration of the sex scenes ruined the book.

Apparently, the narrator's take on seduction

is like a grandma bribing children with cookies.

And when she got to the orgasm

she might as well have been reading a shopping list

Would give it zero stars if I could.

A grandma bribing children?

They’re obviously a troll.

Do you think we could

work on

Well, could we work on my...

Well, specifically my...

um...

Your “O” sounds?

Yeah.

Maybe I need some new tricks.

Of course.

Well

for me

the orgasm is all about

varying the vowels.

Huh.

Everyone always wants to go

straight for the “O.”

The...

"ooooooooh."

But

that leaves four

perfectly good sounds

off the table.

Let's start with

“A.”

"A."

"A."

Deeper.

From your ovaries.

"A."

Better.

Now “E”

in repetition.

E, E, E, E.

E, E, E, E.

I, I, I!

I, I, I!

Okay, good.

And finally

the most deadly tool

in your erotic arsenal

"U"

It is

the pièce de résistance.

Really?

"Uuuuu…"

"Uuuuu…"

Now, all together.

Almost there, Jaw. Almost there.

Do the last one again!

Like that, Patty? Am I getting it?

Uuuuuuuu

Keep going. Almost there.

How is it?

So good!

Yes!

And

you can play with

tempo, pitch, volume

with every vowel.

You don't think it's a bit much?

Jasalyn

your listeners

want

a bit much.

Fair enough.

I'll try it tonight,

Thanks so much, Patty.

O god.

E god.

I god.

Yes

Yes

Yes

Again?

She felt his

majestic magnetic cock

pulsing

ripping her orgasm out of her.

Oh, Jake.

Oh

Jake.

Ooooh Jake.

Jake?

What happened to Patty?

Oh!

A!

E!

I!

O!

U!

Ooh, sorry, Jake

but that is not

a real orgasm.

In the world of romance audiobooks

Nailed it.

everyone's a critic.

Chapter Four.

Jake pulled up to the yard.

He noticed Tilly showering,

the bathroom window open

letting out the steam.

He took a moment to

sit on his motorcycle and watch her.

He longed to be with her

feel the touch of her skin.

His body ached deep inside

and he cherished this private moment

where he could see her

completely unaware.

Under his breath, he whispered,

“Good god, I love that woman.”

His heart pounding out of his chest,

he leaped from his motorcycle

and bounded up the front porch steps.

She heard his feet climbing up the stairs

two at a time.

She turned the water off

and then she clutched

her towel at her breast.

Jake was in the door

faster than she could even

get the towel over her body.

“I hope you're not planning on drying off,"

he said gruffly,

"cuz I'm about to make you wet.”

"Jake! I thought you were coming on Friday."

"Plans change.

Now, speaking of coming..."

Ah...

Hey, Richard.

Hey, Richard.

Hey, Richard.

Hey, Richard.

It’s Jasalyn.

It's Jasalyn.

It's Jasalyn.

Hey, I got your email.

Hey, Richard,

can I call you Dick?

Oh my gosh, I'd love to talk shop.

Oh, I’d love to go out for a drink.

Talk shop.

I’d love to go on a date with you.

Talk romance?

Since we are playing love interests,

and we read complementing sex scenes...

"Complementing sex scenes."

Complementing sex scenes.

I am a human.

Take me out to dinner.

I like to drink.

Hey, Richard.

Hey.

I got your email.

Hey.

Ooh, red.

We could...

...have a drink.

Talk romance.

♪ I don't want to be a loser ♪

♪ Just another good girl ♪

♪ you use to get anything you want ♪

♪ Trick my heart but I know better ♪

♪ than to be maneuvered ♪

♪ and let you ditch me when you're done ♪

Hey, Richard.

Hi.

Hey, Richard.

It's Jasalyn.

You can call me Jaw.

I do not have a jaw at that angle.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Tonight!

Things are heating up in the villa,

when new lads are introduced to the mix

and nobody can find their clothes!

Richard, hi.

Hi. You called me?

Yeah, I did.

What’s up?

I got your email and...

And I was wondering...

Oh no.

Are you missing a tooth?

What?

Oh.

I was just...

...eating some chocolate.

Oh, man.

Thought you were gonna say you can't record

because you lost a bridge or something.

No, I have all my teeth.

I was just eating

some cake.

So...

what’s up?

Well...

I got your email

Yeah...?

And I was

wondering

Yes?

I was wondering

Um...

Um...

how you were pronouncing

the main guy's name.

Jake?

Yeah, Jake.

How else would you say it?

Uh...

Jock?

Jock?

So Jake?

Jake.

Cool. That's how I was doing it.

And thanks so much

for getting me this book.

I’m a huge romance fan.

You might say

romance is kind of my thing.

Oh.

Cool.

Well.

I gotta go.

Okay. bye.

"Romance is kind of my thing?"

Romance is kind of my thing.

I'm just real romantic.

Queen Romance.

With chocolate all over my teeth.

What the fuck is that sound?

Hello.

No one is available to take your call.

Hey, Mr. Patino.

It's Jasalyn in Apartment 205.

I'm calling because there's this

weird motor sound

that I'm hearing like all night.

I think it's coming from the new guy

that just moved in,

So...

I'm wondering if you could

talk to him or

figure out what's going on.

Uh, thanks.

Bye.

"How dare you?"

Katia slapped Tilly across the face.

Jake grabbed her,

her shoulders now exposed.

With his firm grip on her waist,

With his firm grip on her waist,

Jake pushed her out of the room

and shut the door.

"Calm down."

"She is on my last nerve."

"I know.

Take a deep breath

and let's see if we can't

do something to settle those nerves."

His calloused hands slid up

His calloused hands slid

His calloused hand

Jasalyn is not the type to confront.

She hates confrontation.

She thinks maybe she can wait

for the music to stop.

No.

It's time to face the music.

Guess I gotta put on a bra...

Ah, fuck it.

Hi.

I am your downstairs neighbor.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm Larry, it's

nice to meet you.

Jasalyn. So...

I work from home.

Must be nice to work in your robe.

Yeah, not having to get dressed

is an added perk.

You know, I uh...

I think I heard you working

when I was moving in.

Oh.

I didn't realize I could be heard up here.

Well

the apartment was completely empty

so I think sound carries more.

and it was really only during the

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Peak moments.

I do really get into the role playing of it all.

Jasalyn is unaware that Larry believes

she is a prostitute.

Which is actually why I'm here.

I had to stop because

I could hear you playing an instrument.

Oh, my ukulele.

Yeah, you were playing

right above where I work.

Oh, well, uh...

Why don't you show me

where you're working

and then I can make sure I'm

you know, I’m

not there.

Oh!

Yeah, that'd be great.

[closet door sliding[

In the closet? Really?

Yeah.

A lot of people do it in the closet.

It's kind of an industry standard now.

Oh, I didn't realize.

Yeah, I wouldn't think you would.

So do you do it like...

every day?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, there's always dry spells,

but for the most part, every day.

Wow.

I hope it's good money.

It depends on the rate.

And the book.

You mean how long they book you for?

Kind of.

I mean, there's

usually a general schedule but

it takes as long as it takes, you know?

I'm paid by the hour, so

I try to go as slow, you know.

really

milk it out.

Oh.

But when it's a really long one

my throat gets really sore

and I have to take breaks.

Oh.

That's

brave of you to share.

Well, it's like that

with every profession, right?

Gotta take breaks.

Uh, yeah, I uh...

I take breaks too.

Is that an air mattress?

Yeah.

I've tried all kinds of beds

and this keeps me the coolest.

Also

it's super easy to clean off.

You just

take it outside and hose it off.

You might find that useful.

Why?

Um.

Hygiene?

Oh.

And yeah

people complain about

them losing air?

But I just leave

the motor running all night.

Allll niiiiight

And what’s great is

I don’t need a white noise machine

because you're hearing the motor.

I can't hear a thing.

You could be screaming in your apartment

and I wouldn't hear anything.

Yeah, it's

pretty loud.

You know, before I started

using this air mattress strategy

I had a really bad sleep disorder.

But this has cured it.

Cured it completely.

Overnight.

I was on a CPAP machine,

I was taking blood thinners,

I was doing blood thickeners.

Nothing worked

except this air mattress.

It's the best.

Well...

You got the gist of where I work

and

where I need it quiet.

Yes.

Yes, and thank you for being direct.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah.

Of course.

I like keeping it real.

Totally.

Hold on.

Uh...

Mr. Patino, hi.

Oh, really?

Someone complained

about a motor noise

coming from my apartment.

Okay.

Thanks for letting me know.

Well

I should get back to work.

His calloused hands

slid up to her shoulders.

Her heart was pounding.

She breathed in slow

Hey.

you're still playing your music

right above me.

Well.

As long as it's not my air mattress,

I don't see what the problem is.

What?

I know it was you.

You don't know it was me.

That motor is really loud.

I'm sure everybody hears it.

And by "everyone"

you mean your client.

Listen

I cannot be delayed anymore.

Can you please play your music

in the other room please?

Why don't you do your work

in the other room?

I can't.

Right. Sure.

Larry, do you have any idea

how sensitive my mic is?

It picks up everything.

Your mic?

For the recording.

You're recording?

Yeah!

I thought you were...

You know, doing it live.

What?

No.

How would that even work?

Well... I don't know.

Larry is now under the assumption

that Jasalyn is what is known as

a "camgirl."

a video performer

who does erotic acts online

such as stripping,

masturbation,

or provocative gyrating

in exchange for money.

So you’re alone down there?

Of course I'm alone.

Don't you know anything?

Well, not about that.

I’ve never bought one.

Well, you should be grateful

you don't have to.

Nobody has to.

Uh...

what about people with disabilities, Larry?

Blind people.

You ever think about that?

No.

Well, think about that, Larry.

The next time you want to interrupt my work

think about all those blind people.

You're not hurting me, Larry.

You're hurting them.

Fine

I'll play my ukulele in the other room.

Thank you.

Thank you on behalf of all those in need.

Jesus, give a girl a webcam and

and she thinks she's Mother Theresa

“You're not hurting me, Larry”

"you're hurting them."

Yeah.

That was a good one.

You put him in his place.

Wait, a webcam girl for the blind?

In the audiobook production system

there are two types of narrators.

and those that sometimes venture out Those that are strictly behind a mic

and those that sometimes venture out

and get in front of the camera.

These are their stories.

Hey!

Hi.

I like your setup.

Thank you so much for helping me.

I haven't done a self tape audition in forever.

I'm really nervous.

You're reading General Knox

who I think is George Clooney?

They haven't announced it officially yet

but that seems to be the part that he would play.

Oh my God, that's so exciting.

Do you want to just jump in?

Should I point once I hit record?

Yeah, just give me a “one, two,” and point.

Like, "one, two, three, action!"

Yeah, but don't say the three, or action.

Oh.

Just say “one, two,” point.

Like one, two

point.

Don't say “point.”

Obviously.

And let me know when you hit record.

All right. Hitting record.

No, say “rolling.”

Rolling?

When you hit record.

Well

say rolling and then

hit record.

Should I stop it?

Yes.

Rolling

One

Oh

but don't hit the button

and then say “one,”

hit the button on “two.”

So say “rolling, one,”

...hit record as you say “two,”

and then point.

Oh, okay.

Rolling...

one...

two...

Hi.

I am Carly Sloan

and I am reading

I'm going to try that again.

Okay.

Rolling. One, two.

Hi.

I am Carly Sloan

and I am reading for scientist

number three

When will we know

if the treatment is usable?

Are you gonna do it like that?

Yeah, that's like

one of my best guy voices.

Uh-huh.

Maybe just take it down a notch.

Like smaller?

Much smaller.

I can do that.

Okay.

Rolling. One, two...

Hi. I'm Carly Sloan,

and I am reading

for Scientist Number 3.

When will we know

if the treatment is usable?

Dr. Erickson reported

the dodecahedron

Should I wear my glasses, do you think?

Oh, ‘cause she's a scientist.

Yeah.

Definitely. Yeah.

Great idea.

Go for it.

Okay. Rolling. One, two...

Hi. I'm Carly Sloan

Wait, cut.

Why don't you

put the glasses on

after the intro

so it's like

"Hi, Carly Sloan."

"How you doing?"

and then boom.

Serious Mrs. Science Woman.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah?

Yeah, that's good. Okay.

Rolling. One, two.

Hi. I’m Carly Sloan

and I am reading

for Scientist Number 3.

When will we know

if the treatment is usable?

Dr. Erickson reported

that the dodecahedron

mass collider trials

led to unexpected

geometric sequencing.

So we don't know.

Great.

I think I can do better.

Okay.

Rolling. One, two.

Hi. I'm Carly Sloan

and I am reading

for Scientist Number 3.

When will we know

if the treatment is usable?

Dr. Erickson reported

the dodecahedron

mass collider trials

led to unexpected geometric sequencing.

So we don't show.

Oh, shit.

It's okay.

We don't "know."

One more time.

I'm Carly Sloan--

Wait... I gotta count you in.

Ah, right.

Rolling. One, two.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello. I'm Carly Sloan.

I'm Carly Sloan.

I'm Carly Sloan, and I am auditioning

and I am reading

and I am auditioning for Scientist 3.

dodecahedron mass collider trials

led to unexpected geometric sequencing.

geometric sequencing.

led to unexpected geometric sequencing.

unexpected geometric sequencing.

So we... don't know.

So we don't know.

So we don't know.

And cut!

That was great!

Yeah?

Yeah, that was definitely the one.

Here, let me show you.

Oh, shoot.

What?

I didn't hit record.

In the audiobook production system,

there are two equally valid approaches to narrating.

Those that sit

and those that stand

Her breasts heaved with excitement.

Hey, Mom.

Happy birthday, honey.

Thanks.

Guess what I got you?

What?

A hemorrhoid pillow!

But I don't have hemorrhoids.

Yeah, but you sit all day.

No, I stand actually.

Well, I got it for you.

It should arrive today.

There's a little note for you too.

Thanks?

I gotta go.

I got so much to record.

Well...

Call me this weekend.

Okay. Bye.

Larry is thinking about his neighbor, Jasalyn.

He would like a second chance to make a first impression.

What's this?

A package with Jasalyn’s name.

Should he deliver it?

He would like to be a gentleman

but he would also like to have dinner.

Today, he's going to be a gentleman.

Today, this is his story.

The espresso machine sputtered

and burbled

and shot its milky

The espresso machine sputtered

and burbled

and shot its

The espresso machine sputtered

and burbled

and shot its milky load.

Hi.

Hi.

I know we kind of got on the wrong foot

and so I thought I should give you my number

in case you're working and

you need me to be quiet.

Oh, that would be nice. Thanks.

Here's my card.

And just to show you I'm a gentleman,

I saw you had this package downstairs

so I brought it up.

That's not mine.

It has your name on it.

Must be -

Oh, but there's a birthday card.

Happy birthday Jaw

this will keep your lady parts safe

Love, Mom.

There is a hemorrhoid cream too.

You can use that with the pillow.

Should I take it back downstairs?

No, I'll take it.

And you know what?

if you really want to do something nice for me

how about turning off your air mattress

instead of bringing me my fucking mail?

I knew it was you that called Mr. Patino.

I knew it was you that mwah, mwah, mwah.

If I don’t have the motor running, I have--

If I don't have the motor running

I have to listen to you masturbate all night.

What?

What?

Who masturbates all night?

"Ee Jake, ah god, oh yes."

Larry!

I was recording an audiobook.

What?

I'm an audiobook narrator.

What did you think?

Well, I thought you were like a

You know, like a webcam girl.

A webcam girl?

Do I look like a webcam girl?

Don't answer that.

I don't know what that would look like.

Oh, sure you don't.

You were making a lot of

interesting sounds

for an audiobook.

I record romance novels.

And then your mom's note is

talking about your lady parts.

Jesus Christ.

She's always trying to embarrass me.

Well, how was I to know?

You are a ridiculous person

and you sleep on an air mattress.

I have a sleep disorder

Great

now the whole

apartment complex does too.

It’s not that loud.

You're a pain in the ass.

Well.

it's a good thing I brought up that hemorrhoid pillow.

Jake grabbed her thick neck

and finally had his way with her.

She had resisted for so long

but he could feel her courage and desire.

So with a firm fist

So with a firm fist

he thrust his reins back

and the horse jumped over the first gate.

She flew higher than any thoroughbred

he had ever worked with.

The town cheered.

Katia and Tilly exchanged a look.

Their threesome would never be the same.

In the romance audiobook production system

there are two kinds of narrators.

Those that do character voices

and those that do not

do character voices.

These are their stories.

Hey Lady, you on your way?

Yep, I'm just taking

the last curler out.

Sweet.

I got a table in the back by the fire.

Hold on, I've got a --

Jasalyn?

Ah, shit.

Hello?

Hellooooo?

Hey, Carly.

Sorry about that. I --

Hold on.

Richard.

Jasalyn?

Wow.

You actually look nice.

Thanks, I was just going out.

What's up?

Good news!

Layla just emailed.

She wants to book us

for the rest of the series.

Yay!

Double Yay.

Two more books,

Maybe three.

She's not sure if it's a trilogy

or a four-ogy.

Four-ogy?

Quartet.

Whatever.

Well, I gotta say

I really loved your narration.

I know.

But...

you don't have to listen to my chapters.

I'm doing the proofing.

I know, I was listening

just in case you were

doing any character voices.

Yeah, I don't really do character voices.

They all pretty much sound like this.

Sexy.

Women are gonna swoon.

Oh man.

They'll do more than swoon

if you've read my reviews.

I'm so in love with this narrator

Richard has a voice that was meant for sex

Be forewarned, you might lose some panties over his voice.

Stock up now, ladies!

I was signing autographs once

at a romance convention

and you should've heard

what these women were saying.

None of them were my type.

Not anyone's type really.

Like...

eating bonbons in the basement

swipe left all day type.

But...

at least I can give them

This.

So, you don't do voices?

When you have

"this"

you don't need to do voices.

Wait, do you do character voices?

Oh, yeah, but I like doing voices.

I have a Marilyn voice.

"Happy birthday Mr. President."

And I have an old lady voice,

"Well, hello there honey."

But if it's like a refined old lady

then I usually do

"Blanche from The Golden Girls."

Can you do a bunch of accents?

Yeah.

"I'll meet you around"

"the Blarney Stone for a pint."

"I think you bloody will"

"cuz I got good banter!"

"I'll gladly lift the iron curtain"

"if you drop the iron panties."

I actually had to read that in a book once.

One accent I can do really well

is a fat accent.

What?

I do a really good fat accent.

A what accent?

A fat

accent.

That's not an accent.

Oh, it's a bunch.

You've got your lippy fat accent.

"Bring me a bowl of buttered noodles."

You've got your jowly fat accent.

"I am not a crook."

You've got your droopy dog fat accent.

"You know what?"

"I'm happy."

And if all else fails

you got Chubs.

Chubs?

Yeah, from grade school.

My name is Chubs.

My Mom calls me Chubs.

My Dad calls me Chubs.

Even my dog calls me Chubs.

Chubs can you smile?

Sure, see?

Wow, that was like my whole childhood.

Yeah.

I figured you were a fat kid.

It went in waves.

Anyway.

I'm gonna need you to get

the rest of those chapters

to me by tomorrow morning

Tomorrow?

Layla wants to meet the holiday deadline.

Oh.

Uh...

Yeah, I can do that.

Cool.

And can we set up the contract

the same way?

Where I do the proofing?

Sure.

I get a little extra money.

You do a little extra work.

Well, it's a lot of work, actually.

Proofing.

Oh, yeah. No, I know.

Okay, cool.

Well shoot me those chapters

when they're done

and I'll send you

the script for the next book.

Oh, and let me know

if you need any help with fat accents

because you always wanna be

body positive.

Especially for the women

that are listening to these books.

Tomorrow?

Oh shit.

Uh...

Carly?

FaceTime.

What?

Hi.

Hi.

What the fuck was that?

I know!

Things got kind of flirty, right?

Um...

I was definitely picking up on a vibe.

Do you think I should ask him out?

No.

He's never seen me dolled up like this.

Well good thing,

because that guy's a shallow prick.

He was just joking.

Yeah, real funny.

He just got caught up in me

doing the accents and voices.

You don't get it because

you don't really do voices.

I do voices.

You narrate nonfiction.

Fuck you.

I don't think Richard's a bad guy.

I like him, and...

you know we do sound good together.

You deserve so much better.

He's the kind of guy

who ranks women.

Yeah I know...

I don't know. I just want someone.

Like, where's the guy that'll look at me

flaws and all

and I could be completely naked

and vulnerable

and he tells me I'm beautiful

and makes me really believe it.

Well, Richard is not that guy.

But

we might be able to

find you someone tonight.

Carly, I can't come out.

What?

Didn't you hear him?

I have to finish this book tonight.

Fine, finish the book

after you come out with me.

Sorry.

Rain check?

You're the worst.

And you're bending over backwards

for this douche bag.

Or should I say...

douchebag.

Hey, you can do voices.

[hopeful music[

In the empanada production system

there are two types of ovens.

Those that work

and those that are broken.

Hi.

This is gonna sound really weird

Weird like

thinking I'm a webcam girl weird?

Or weird like

sleeping on an air mattress

with the motor running weird?

I need to use your oven.

No.

Please it's my grandma's

No.

You can't be in my kitchen.

Call Mr. Patino.

I did call him,

I did

Larry, I have a deadline.

I can't.

Please I just need the oven

I have to finish book

tonight

This'll take like 20 minutes.

Tops.

Is there any dairy in those?

No, just eggs.

Fine.

If you share some we have a deal.

How many?

I don't know, three?

Two.

Fine, two.

But you have to be quiet.

I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

In the audiobook production system

there are those that punch and roll

and those that use a dog clicker

to show their recording mistakes.

Jasalyn is editing all her dog clicks.

She does not trust Barry...

She does not trust

'Larry' to be quiet.

If only a dog clicker

could be used in everyday life

or at least

on Larry.

Larry. What are you doing?

Are you kidding me

with how messy this kitchen is?

I was gonna clean this weekend.

How do you even eat in here?

Look buddy, you could wait for Mr. Patino.

No, I can't wait.

Then you're gonna have to deal with my messy kitchen.

No, I'm gonna clean this up.

No, you're not.

You're gonna put these pies in the oven

and get out of here.

This will take like 15 minutes.

You'd know that

if you cleaned from time to time.

Please, stop cleaning.

Just go do your recording.

I can't with you making noises.

That's not where that goes.

Under the sink.

Just...

Please move.

Oh, so you do know how to clean?

And why didn't you knock

on anybody else's door?

Well, I didn't want to deprive you

of seeing how good I am

with a scrubby.

How'd you learn how to make these?

My mom.

Old family recipe

They are beautiful.

Wait until you taste them.

So you really thought I was a webcam girl?

Well, no.

first I thought you were a prostitute.

Well, when I heard the...

what I now know was a

dramatic reading of erotic fiction

but at the time I...

you know.

Girl's gotta make a living.

So they sounded real?

The orgasms?

Oh, um...

A, E, I, O, U -

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why so dressed up?

I thought you got to

work in your pajamas.

I was supposed to go out

to celebrate my birthday

but my book deadline got moved up.

So...

Here we are.

Oh, well you...

You look nice.

Happy birthday, by the way.

Sorry about the deadline.

It's fine.

Well, thanks again.

You're a life saver.

My grandma's turning 90 and I

promised her I'd make these.

They're her favorite.

Well, we don't want another

birthday girl disappointed.

Let's get those empanadas in the oven and

I'll get back to recording.

Okay, I'll show myself out.

Make sure you're quiet

when you're coming and going.

Will do.

And don't use the alarm.

It's super loud.

Got it.

Jake pulled me close to him

and there was a moment I thought he might get angry.

But then

he smiled.

I could feel butterflies in my stomach at the thought of winning Jake's heart.

I stared at myself in the mirror making sure that this was not a dream.

The image looking back at me was striking.

I looked like a princess

and I enjoyed the feeling of being desired.

My mind went to Jake.

His face at seeing me enter this evening.

With a wolfish gaze

and a sheepish smile he said,

"Darling, how do you clean up."

"I have to admit that dress is much better in blue."

"Imagery is what fuels the imagination.

and imagination, my dear,

is best expressed

in the bedroom."

"I would have loved to wear a low-cut dress tonight...

...but unfortunately the bite marks and bruises could not be shown."

"Bite marks?"

"Oh, you don't know?

Jake may be all decorum in court

but in the bedroom he follows no rules."

Katia felt the corset loosening.

She gasped.

Larry!

No, no no!

Oh, my grandma's going to kill me!

Hey, you um...

You want an empanada?

You can have more than two.

You can have as many as you want.

They're a little crispy, but um...

they're still good.

All right.

This is...

...spicy!

Yeah.

Yeah, Grandma likes 'em spicy.

Spice is really good for your throat.

That'll be helpful for narrating.

Real helpful.

You know what's not good for narrating?

What?

A fire alarm.

Oh.

Yeah, sorry about that.

This has been "Hung like a Horse."

The Jake Morgan series.

written by Layla James

and narrated by Richard Benson

and Jasalyn Frank.

Hey Richard, here is the last file.

This book was a lot of fun.

Thank you so much for doing

the final proofing.

Looking forward to starting the next one

Thanks,

Jasalyn.

I love working with you.

Warmly,

Jasalyn

Thanks.

It's great working with you.

a

Hey handsome.

Hopefully the author thinks we kept it sexy.

Yours, Jasalyn.

Hey, Richard.

Thanks.

Tossing and turning

I had felt haunted by regret.

and dreamt of a life with a woman

that was not meant for me.

Then suddenly

I was back in that row of horses.

There she was

holding her torn dress at the stall

staring at me with those doe eyes.

I walked over to her

lifting her chin

and began wiping her tears one by one.

I kissed her

and then looked at her.

Hi Richard,

I know this is weird

leaving a personal message on the recording.

I figured you would catch it in the proofing.

I just wanted to say that,

you're an amazing narrator

and I'm so glad we got to work together.

Hi Richard!

Did you get the file?

Yeah, uh...

I just got an email from Layla

saying that you left some

weird message at the end of the last chapter.

What?

Did you like,

record something extra?

Uh...

extra?

Well... didn't you listen to the file?

Well, I looked at the file but--

you know, you got it to me so late

I figured I could take a gamble

on the last chapter.

So you didn't proof it?

You just sent it to her?

You got it to me at 1 am.

So you had all morning.

Well, I looked at the wave files.

They looked fine.

Um.

Well.

What did you do?

Like, change the ending of her book?

Last night I was...

...really...

...tired.

And...

I know I recorded the whole chapter.

But...

I may have...

uh...

What did you do?

Well, when I recording

I'm expecting that you'll listen to it

so the author gets a finished product.

Yeah, but the last chapter?

I mean, who cares with this kind of writing?

It's such smut.

And you're usually a professional.

Well I thought

you were a professional too.

You didn't do your job.

You gotta fix the chapter

and send it to her with an apology.

So now I'm doing your work?

You want me to edit the last chapter

which you're getting paid to do.

Fine.

I'll fix it.

Uh...

No, no-no, wait, no.

Don't listen to it.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Thanks so much for calling.

Don't listen to it.

Definitely don't listen.

I'll fix it.

But for the record

aren't you getting paid extra

for doing the proofing?

So what

you want me to pay you?

Well if I'm doing your work.

You know what?

Never mind.

Wait!

Thanks for nothing.

Your voice is so...

I mean what can I say but sexy?

And sometimes?

I like to imagine us

reading together in the same booth.

Did I just say that out loud?

Anyway, wish we could record together.

Especially some of those hot sex scenes.

I gotta be honest.

I've been wanting to ask you out

ever since we started this series.

So...

here I am

taking a

big courageous step in

making that happen.

I hope you like women who are fierce

and up front.

Call me if you'd like to meet in person

and we could grab a drink

talk shop.

First round is on me.

Richard! You handsome devil.

Layla, you look wonderful!

Gosh.

How long has it been

since we've seen each other?

I think it was the romance convention.

It's all been emails.

Oh my, how the readers --

Richard doesn't proof the chapters.

Yes...

I got your email.

You emailed her about me?

Of course I emailed her.

You see, Layla?

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

She's totally unprofessional.

Yes, I got your email, too.

You emailed her about me?

So here we are.

Two men enter, one man leaves?

Is that how you want it?

Look, I am really sorry about the...

...the last chapter's message.

Apologies are nice

but unfortunately

they can't turn back the clock

and this whole little mix up

has caused quite a delay.

Well...

I don't feel comfortable

working with her.

Well, I don't trust you.

You don't do the proofing.

How did you want me to

to proof your ad-libs?

It wasn't an ad-lib

and I definitely regret it now.

Oh, really? You don't wanna...

record in the same

booth with me anymore?

I was drunk when I said that.

Wow a real professional.

I must've been drunk

when I offered you this book.

Well, you were definitely sober

when you said it

doesn't matter if you proof

when the writing is such

When the writing is such brilliance!

Yes!

You should be thanking me

for introducing you to

a writer of this caliber.

Yes.

Thank you so much

for getting me this book.

I am so grateful.

Just like how you described

all the women at the convention.

So grateful for an autograph.

Why don't I tell Layla

all the wonderful things you said

about our listeners?

What wonderful things?

Oh,

like how they're all

nasty bonbon eating

basement dwellers

who can't get dates.

I don't even know

what you're talking about.

He was making fun of the listeners.

I would never!

You are being so gross.

My friend heard you--

Oh, your friend?

In your closet?

Where you work by yourself all day?

Now I know you're crazy.

I am not crazy, you --

you gas lighter!

I will call her right now!

Okay!

We have gotten off track

and we don't have time for this.

I know.

All because of her delays.

Well the fact that we're even

having this zoom call

speaks to the fact that

you're both unprofessional.

I want this series completed

by the holidays.

I would love

to finish

and keep working with you.

I am ready to

replace her and move on.

Okay, the listeners want

consistent narrators, so

how can we make this work

between the two of you?

Well.

I think we should split the proofing.

and

I get paid for half

in addition to my narrating.

I am an "offer only" narrator

and you can't change my offer

mid-book.

If you have other offers

I understand.

I would like to move forward

with the next book

and I do want to keep

the narrators consistent.

It's fine.

We're almost done with this book.

We can keep the contract the same.

I'll proof my chapters.

But the next book

we are paid equally.

That seems more than fair.

Richard?

So it's settled.

Perfect!

I have a few recording

pickup notes

that I am sending right now.

Please try and finish them

ASAP as possible.

Are we still on for

next year's convention?

I'll have to think about that.

I wouldn't want to force you

to be around any bonbon eaters.

Oh, it's no big deal at all.

Bye Richard.

Listen, he is not worth another thought.

Trust me.

You open your heart like that

and this is how he treats you?

Yeah, it's...

pretty embarrassing

I think I'm brainwashed

from all these romance novels.

Hey.

I was tickled

that I got to hear your

little afterword to him.

I mean you can't write romance novels

and not be a complete romantic.

And I know

you'll get these pickups

right away

because I think

you've learned your lesson.

Yes, I have and I will.

I will get them done by tonight.

How about this afternoon?

Sure.

There's only a few.

I'll head right into the booth.

Perfect.

Let's say noon then?

Noon it is.

Pick ups for HUNG LIKE A HORSE:

Correction one.

Her moist lips quivered.

She was wetter than a snowman in Arizona.

Her breasts heaved with excitement.

The rhythm of his thrusts

took Katia over the edge.

Her thighs squeezed the leather.

Jake's pants became too tight.

The tea kettle spurted.

Eee, eee, eee!

A volcano erupted.

Like frosting from the tip.

Hah!

In the audiobook production system

there are two types of narrators

those that can get out of their booths

and those that cannot.

Oh god, I'm trapped.

Hello.

No one is available to take your call

Hi Mr. Patino,

This is Jasalyn.

and I am

stuck my closet.

And...

you're probably gonna get this message...

and I'll be dead.

The coroner will have already arrived,

'cuz you never pick up the phone.

So, bye!

Larry...

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

God you're always there.

Larry!

It's Jasalyn!

Larry, I need you!

Larry!

God where could he be?

Wait, you're trapped in your closet?

How'd you get trapped in your closet?

I don't know!

The door won't open.

Can you come out here or not?

Oh man Jaw

I wish I could help you.

but I got called in

to read or that Clooney project.

That's amazing.

I know.

Fingers crossed it goes well.

Oh my gosh, break a leg!

Okay.

Call me this evening if you're still stuck.

Okay, will do.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, hello!

Hi, Patty--

You've reached the voicemail

of Patty Haddad

vocal coach.

For emergency dialect coaching

please listen to the following

Please listen to the

Are you kidding me?

For standard British,

please proceed

by pressing the

first button on your telephone receiver.

For that soft

sultry

Southern accent

Go on now and press two y'all.

What do I press

if I'm stuck in my closet, Patty?

Oh, you got a problem with your New York accent, huh?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That'd be three.

Oh gosh.

Don't tell me you're having trouble

with a Midwest accent.

Oh boy.

I guess you better try four

The mailbox is full.

Oh, that mailbox is all full now

Oh, someone's gotta take out the trash.

This is full!

Oh gosh

This mailbox is full too.

Bye now.

Ugh!

Help!

What?

Hi Richard.

So...

funny story...

I'm gonna be a little delayed

with those

pickups.

Are you wearing a towel?

Yeah, I just

jumped into my booth

to do one last edit after my shower

the door got stuck or something.

I'm trapped.

But can you tell Layla it's coming?

Oh.

I'll tell Layla.

I'll tell her what a

solid professional you are.

No.

Just give me her number.

I'll call her.

Why don't you just FaceTime her?

She can see you recording naked.

It's perfect.

Fuck you.

No, you're fucked.

You don't have anyone that

can let you out of your closet.

Yeah, I do.

Uh-huh.

I got loads of people.

Uh-huh.

I'll figure it out.

Well,

you better figure it out soon.

Asshole!

♫ I don't want to be a loser ♫

♫ Trick my heart but I know better ♫

♫ Trick my heart but I know better ♫a

♫ than to be maneuvered ♫

♫ let you ditch me when you're done ♫

Oh Mom

I made such an ass of myself.

Ohhh

What happened, honey?

Oh God, it's such a long story.

It's okay, honey.

Oh!

My upstairs neighbor just got home.

He can get me out of here.

Someone finally moved in?

Is he nice?

No.

But I gotta go.

Love you, bye.

Jasalyn, hi.

Hey Larry, so

I'm having an emergency

and I called Mr. Patino

and of course no answer

So

I was wondering if you could help me.

Are you naked?

I'm in my recording booth

and the door won't open.

Huh.

Are you sure you're not a webcam girl?

Can you come down here?

There's a key under the mat.

Uh sure.

I'll be right down.

Larry I can hear the water running.

This is an emergency.

I need you right now!

I just got back from biking

and I smell.

Who cares?

Just come help me.

Okay, I'll be right down.

In the audiobook production system

there are two separate

but equally important groups.

those that are stuck in their booths

and those

that can rescue them.

Hello?

Oh Larry, I'm in here.

Where are you?

You know I'm in the closet.

Stop joking.

Where?

Larry this isn't funny.

Well, it's a little funny.

Come on, stop fucking around just

get me out of here.

Okay, there's a

looks like there's a

a rod

stuck in the track

Will you stop pushing the door?

Then open it.

I can't because you're pushing.

Stop pushing!

When I get out of here

Oh!

Oh!

Here's your towel.

Thank you.

I um...

I didn't see anything.

If I did see anything, it was beautiful.

[hesitant music[

I'll just uh...

I'll just show myself out.

Okay.

Thanks.

Bye.

Jasalyn was stunned.

Could it be?

She felt a warmth in her belly.

A quicker in her thighs.

Her heart racing and sweat

dripping down between her breasts.

She had never in all her life

in all her most erotic fantasies

never had she imagined

she could ever feel as much passion

as she felt in this

I don't know how to read this stuff.

I know.

I make it look easy.

Uh, yes.

Yes, it is uh...

it is quite true what you've heard.

I am, uh

I am hung

like a horse.

Oh quit going on about your penis!

We all know you're only doing it

to forget about the fact

they took both your testicles.

Oh, but they took yours too.

Don't tell them that!

It is true, though.

They took them both.