Original subtitles

Wilder, my friend, guess what I've done for you.

A favor.

Guess how big.

It's enormous.

Guess what it is.

You got me a bobblehead of myself.

You got me a subscription to the meat of the month club.

No, no, no.

You bought me a dragon. Michael, you rock.

Yes. Yes, I do, but that's not it.

Something no one could ever get.

Something nobody would get, huh?

Uh, how about Team Buzz is holding a gala for the movie premiere of Dude,

Where's My Spaceship? And You Got Me a Date With It star skater girl Vicky Z?

Nobody would guess that.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Wait. That's it.

Woo -wee! I'm Nobody's You Got Me a Date With Vicky Z! Yeah!

Nobody who knows how to take the fun out of a surprise.

Yeah!

way to get out and hang out with my friends, find out what's new, who's

on who, and if everyone's new. It's so cool to be in the

pages of my magazine.

Quite the review.

You do realize that Brayden Roberts is 10, and girls everywhere have crushes on

him. Well, then he should have made a photo album and not a music album.

That's why I printed it.

However, if Brayden asks, I'll swear I don't know you. What's the worst that

happen? You might want to ask the last guy who wrote a bad review on Brayden,

you can find him. He was so scared he went into hiding.

Scared of a kid?

You're kidding, right, DJ?

DJ?

DJ?

Noah did not let up.

For these reasons and many more, this reviewer finds Brayden Roberts' latest

album derivative, amateurish, and enjoyable for only a select few.

The tone deaf.

Skating and savage.

I have an idea.

Rebecca, your outfit is enjoyable for only a select few. The color of wine.

too good.

All you did was steal Noah's line.

No, I...

Personalize Noah's line. It's the Pierce special now. I have to write it down.

Quick, give me my Sherry Overwood pen back.

I already gave it back to you.

Then why am I still asking for it?

Let's think about this. Is it possible you misplaced the pen?

Rebecca, your lies are enjoyable for only a select few. I don't have your

Hello, Daddy Sawyer? I'd like to sue somebody, please.

Wow. Rebecca, check out these emails I got from Braden Roberts.

Subject, your article is lame.

Subject, you are lame.

Subject, na -na -na -na -na -na.

How many did he send?

116.

117.

Take it back or prepare to get owned.

Did I just get threatened by a 10 -year -old? DJ warned you. I have a policy not

to be afraid of people under 5 feet tall.

Unless they're clowns.

No height restrictions there.

118? 118.

Your life gets difficult starting now.

Never seen an emoticon like that before.

I'm so entangled.

How do you get Hamlet on your shirt?

How do you not?

Here she comes. Now remember, act cool.

When doesn't the wild man act cool?

Go Iceman.

Hey, Mike Star. Hey, Vicky Z. This is Wilder, Wilder, Vicky Z.

What's shaking?

My knees a little.

Enjoy, kiddos. No need to thank me for the intro. Though, who am I to say no to

a gift?

Next, size 14. I prefer Argyle, but I won't say no to Platts.

Now you two wacky kids enjoy yourselves on the pipe half.

That's half pipe.

That's what Wilder calls it. I knew you guys would be a perfect match.

Now go and enjoy yourselves.

Someone looks happy.

Do you know what the three biggest stories are for a gossip columnist?

they all equally irrelevant?

Sad. Using humor to cover up your ignorance.

A new romance, a breakup, and the confession.

That just got me the first one.

Gator superstar finds love with a local teen.

Well, I hope the manipulation of others works out for you.

Me too. And if not, I've got a backup story.

It's called The Revenge of Braden Robert.

Yeah, yeah.

Not scared.

Hello? You're going down!

You wouldn't mind walking me home, would you?

What? No.

No. No.

Did you find your... everything in the kitchen?

It's not here.

It's not anywhere.

You know why?

Because you didn't return it. But I did. No, you didn't.

Amanda, I'm a responsible person.

I return library books. I return compliments. I return awkward stares.

And I returned your pen.

I want my pen back, Rebecca.

Or else you'll never ride Little Biscuit again.

Don't bring the pony into this.

I will if I have to.

I try to be nice.

I try to be mature.

But if you want to go down this road, I'm game, Amanda.

You think you have game? I know I have game. Fine.

I can't wait to see your game. But before I do, can you clean up this mess?

Sure.

My game just happens to be cleaning.

Last night, Pat was pretty harsh.

Are you okay?

That depends.

Do you have a twin sister sitting right beside you?

No. Then I might need a second.

I'll have a strawberry, strawberry smoothie smoothie.

Two strawberry smoothies, please. And an ice pack for his brain.

Wow. You're a strawberry smoothie fan?

I got a feeling this is going to work out. For sure. The best relationships

based on taste in smoothies. Totally.

All right, flash quiz. What kind of music are you into?

Lil X, Fifi Dobson, Chrissy Hahn.

How about you?

I love size six nostrils. Oh, and ice cream truck music.

Oh, it gives me headaches. The ice cream and the music.

What about movies?

I like them dark and edgy.

I like them happy and soft and mushy around the edges.

Um, boarding.

Surf or snow? Wake.

Dog? Reptile.

Remember how we liked the same smoothie?

That was awesome. Yeah.

I'm going to be honest.

I don't think this is going to work out. I'm with you there, dude.

And what do you think about this?

Wow, you're still seeing double.

Dad on that ice pack.

Easy now.

Low and steady.

What is wrong with you?

Someone's a little jumpy.

I'm sorry.

Brayden hired an expert to pie me.

How exactly do you become an expert in pieing? Practice, apparently.

The guy got me twice already, and his contract says to expect a third.

Hey, journos, deadline pie.

It's the pie expert.

No, it's DJ with pie.

Not the same thing.

He could be wearing a disguise.

This guy's good.

I need to write a note.

My last will and testament to my mother in case I don't make it home pie free.

Fine, but don't leave me any sarcastic last words.

You should know that that pen was a gift from Sherry Overwood. I know. I saw the

billboard. Rebecca Harper lost my Sherry Overwood pen.

Do you think that's something?

Wait till you see the infomercial.

Get it through your stubborn head.

I don't have your Sherry Overwood... pen.

Oh, dear.

Why did you say, oh, dear?

Um, I just noticed the bags under your eyes.

Bags? What bags? Are you big?

I was going to tell you to go home, get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow

you'll probably find your pen.

Bye -bye.

But I gotta say, tonight was as painful as missing an Ollie.

Yeah, you won't mind if I snub you at the movie premiere?

Mind? I'd be flattered.

So, do you think the mic's just going to mine if we didn't hit it off?

Hold it, hold it!

Look at you two.

Like frickin' Frack, Chillin' Jack, dogs and cats.

The last one doesn't really work, but who cares?

Actually, Vicky and I wanted to tell you something. Me first, me first.

In the land of Gossip Dom, That's where I live. One of the biggest things you

can do is reveal a romance.

It's every gossip columnist's dream.

Since I was the merry matchmaker who set you up, who better than to realize that

dream? This can make my career!

Awestruck.

So, uh, you guys a couple or not?

Couple. Couple.

I knew it!

Now, uh, cuddle up.

Meaning? you for breakfast is the best wake -up call I could ever have.

I was so psyched to see you. I only hit the snooze button ten times.

Again, this time with more feeling.

I call that shot forever, Valder.

Valder, your couple name?

Guess it's better than Wiki.

That's it for now. I'll see you guys later for the lovebirds at lunch shoot.

Yo, Mike, don't you think you're getting a bit carried away?

I haven't even started getting carried away.

The Valder romance will unfold week by loving week in my column.

Well, until I get the rights to the musical.

Musical? Oh, yeah, baby. I'm taking you guys worldwide.

Ah, the power of love.

Valder, why don't you say something?

Keep it down.

People are going to think we're fighting. We are fighting.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

No. I've been asked before, but I'm always wrong. Trust me. I'm never, ever

thinking what other people are thinking.

Okay, here's the plan.

We stage a huge fight at the premiere and break up.

Michael's the first to report on it. He gets the scoop, and I never have to see

your face over orange juice again.

Woo -wee, Vicky Z! Sick plan!

Would it be too soon to ask another girl out at the premiere?

how sorry I am.

No, that's no good.

Amanda, I might have possibly found your pen.

It was sort of in my desk area, tucked away in a notebook.

Maybe. You don't want to do that.

Let me guess, you're still on high -pi alert?

Yep.

When your back's against the wall, you gotta sneak your way out of it.

Like you and this pen.

Just put it back and make Amanda think she had it all along.

Noah, I couldn't.

But if you confess, you'll be sorry.

Amanda knows how to say I told you so in 30 different languages.

I gotta go.

There's something in the lunch lady's eyes I just don't trust.

I was never here.

Yes, Baba. I know your soap's drawn, but I just need you to check underneath

Rebecca's bed.

Fine, then.

Find out if Sylvia runs away with Frederick, and then call me back.

Amanda. Team Buzz is hosting a movie premiere, and you're worried about a

pen. You don't understand.

It's not just any pen. It was a gift from Sherry Overwood.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

A rich, privileged, and beautiful girl like me must be swan with gifts.

And you'd be right.

I always am. Go on. But those gifts are nothing to me.

This pen, though, was more than a fine, quaint writing instrument.

It was an instrument that... It sealed our friendship because it was given from

the heart.

I can't read the whole thing up. I just can't stand that Rebecca won't admit

she's wrong.

I'm a small and petty girl.

Yes, but one heck of a storyteller. An instrument that sealed our friendship?

She's funny.

I don't believe it. What?

You planted the pen.

How'd you know?

You're wearing your sneaky face.

Which you should probably make less obvious.

Give me details.

It's going down like this.

I put it in her Tokushima file. Now I'm going to call her using an assumed

voice. So far, so evil.

I'll say I'm from the Buzz research team, and I need her to recheck a quote

her story.

She'll look in the file and press the find the pen.

To think you've waited that big beautiful brain of yours to get good

Hey, guys, have you tried this alien pudding? It's out of this world.

Get it?

So, Noah, I want to commend you again on not pulling any punches with the Braden

Roberts review.

Considering he was this issue's half -point hottie, he was a bold move.

I have to say what I have to say. I can't live my life in fear.

Well, you can say it to his face, because he's right over there.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in another room living my life in fear.

a half pint hottie.

It's just about show time.

Really? What show are you going to see?

No, dude, our fake fight to get Michael off our back.

All right.

Yeah, gotcha. Fake fight.

Then can we go see the show?

Yes, Wowser, we can go to a show. It will be called The Art of Focusing.

Coming through. Angry child starting hot pursuit. Move, move, move.

Amanda Pierce.

This is research.

We need to double -check a quote on your Tokushima story. Did he say red is the

new white or the new beige?

Give me one moment. I'll check.

Looks like we're painting the town beige tonight.

Oh.

I mean, no. Thank you, dear.

Here we go. Are you ready?

Ready, willing, and able.

Dude, this is my premiere.

Stop being so clingy. Me? You're the clingy one.

You're the human version of that dryer sock that sticks to my shirt and I end

not noticing all day.

If you don't know there's a stray sock on your shirt, maybe static cling isn't

your biggest problem.

Yes, what's going on? What's going on?

You're friends with drag. He's holding me back.

Someone should have held you back from making that movie.

Not cool.

Oh, sorry.

I want out of this relationship.

Not as bad as... I do. Guys, guys, let's not make any rash decisions.

I know a great couples counselor.

We're beyond counseling.

But if you guys break up, my romance series is dead.

But I'll be left with nothing but the perfect breakup story.

Continue, but this time with more rage.

Hey, Amanda.

What's new?

Rebecca, I want to say I'm really sorry.

I found my pen.

I knew you would.

I want to make it up to you. You can borrow anything you want. You don't have

to. It's water under the bridge.

How about my mini purse from Milan?

It's cool, but I need a mini wallet and mini keys.

Take myself.

I'll even let you use my daytime minute.

I'm not a daytime caller.

I'm more evenings and weekends.

How about my hat?

I got it from a Saudi prince who was crushing on me. Stop! I can't take it.

You're right. Your hat's not making it work.

No.

I found your pen earlier. I was going to tell you, but then I just sneaked it in

your file.

I see.

So this is how other people feel when I lie to them.

I guess.

So, this is over?

Oh, no.

You're about to smell the smell of revenge.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think you stink.

Stink would be an upgrade for you.

Can we smell revenge later?

Totally. I gotta see what's going on.

You always kid more about your stupid food than you do about me.

Just because you're mad at me, don't take it out on the sandwich.

This is gonna be huge.

If I have a problem with your sandwich, that's up to me.

Is it, Wilder?

Shouldn't you be defending your sandwich's honor?

Take that back, or... or... I'm listening.

We're all listening, Wilder.

Or my stupid food will take its revenge.

See a celebrity slime fest. Wilder, don't do it. Wilder, do it.

I can't do it.

Michael, I'm sorry.

We're not breaking up.

We were never even going out.

What?

You saw my story?

All lies.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Move.

One step closer and you're going to get it. I got green pudding and I'm not

afraid to use it.

You made fun of my singing. I also said it was repetitive.

Braden's sad.

It's okay.

Sometimes we all make mistakes.

You should have seen some of my first articles.

They weren't that good either.

You feeling better?

Yeah. That's good, because Noah's really sorry he made fun of your album.

So great.

Am I the only one who didn't see this coming?

Dude, I'm sorry I lied.

You made me look like a fool in front of all my peers.

Yeah, that part was unfortunate.

What's it going to take for you to forgive me? You're not rich, so I can't

really think of anything.

Wait!

Do you know what the three biggest stories are for a gossip columnist?

have trouble remembering how the three bears end.

There's the romance, there's the breakup, and finally, there's the

And there's something about porridge, too, right?

Not really. Listen, I want to do an exclusive interview on how you and Vicky

lied to me, Michael Davies.

I'm not really comfortable with that.

Why we lied. A sneaky rat's tail.

That makes me less comfortable. By tomorrow, your story of deception will

over the world.

My comfort isn't really important to you, is it?

It's the price of forgiveness, my friend.

English. I told you so.

French.

Spanish.

German.

Italian.

Portuguese.

Mandarin.

Don't worry, Rebecca.

I only have 23 more countries to go.

Polish.