Original subtitles

It's so cool that your dad donated the money to put in the new gym floor.

Not to mention this awesome snack table.

The snack table isn't permanent. It's just for today's ceremony.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Why aren't you eating? I thought you'd be at least two plates in by now.

And get crumbs on my first collar and button shirt in front of your dad?

What would your dad think of me?

At least try the punch.

Punch? I just drop it on the floor and fill it on my first collar and button.

It's just called a shirt, Wilder.

Just a shirt.

Even so, I'm not going to mess up in front of your dad.

Don't worry, I'll clean that.

I guess I won't be having the punch.

Hello, Mr. Pierce.

The floor looks great up close.

Why would you ask?

This one time I had writer's block, so I used my entrance essay as my story.

Wow. You know, I have never been so disappointed in you in my life.

Using an old story that is sneaky, underhanded, and disrespectful to Buzz.

Any idea where I can get them?

I saved mine on my computer in a file marked Buzz Entrance Essay. And I wrote

mine in longhand on a paper marked Things to Do.

Maybe DJ has it framed in her office.

Or in a box in the closet.

That was my next guess.

Clint, now see if you can do it behind your back.

Yay!

Ready to go, honeybee? In a minute, daddy.

Wilder's doing tricks for me.

Oh!

The floor inspector.

I didn't recognize him standing up.

With all due respect, sir, do you recognize this?

Looks familiar.

Pass me the ball.

Two points.

Wow. Bet you can't do it again.

Hello, Daddy's assistant.

Cancel his 5 o 'clock and bring in Ms. Jim Close.

Hey,

Michael. How'd your interview with the psychic go? Any mention of a man for me?

She can't see that far into the future.

I think an interview with a psychic to the stars would be every boy's dream,

right? Some boys, I guess.

Well, it wasn't. It was a nightmare.

After finding out about future slut breakups, I cleverly asked what she saw

my future.

You know what she said?

No, I'm not the psychic.

We can say it out loud.

Baldness!

You sure got over not saying it out loud awfully quick.

Her exact words were, your hair will spring right out of your head.

I can't go bald!

You can't be taking this seriously.

Besides, some men look great bald.

Not that I'll be meeting any of them, apparently.

I don't have a very good -looking bald head.

You should have heard old people talk to me when I was a baby.

Sure, their mouths may have been saying goo -goo -ga -ga, but in their eyes...

They were mocking a bald man.

I'm doomed!

Doomed, I tell you!

You ready?

I was born ready.

You were born ready to play basketball?

Cool. My mom said I was born to get my head stuck in a banister, which has

really only happened five times. Just start the game, sir.

Jump ball, game time, deep breath.

Rest. Start the clock. Time for the skills test.

The crowd is roaring.

Cheerleaders revved up.

Nobody wants to mess up. To get the game track. Man, put the gloves on. Gotta

get my shot right. Some of me stand in the key. Five seconds in the game. Zero

to three. That's this next bat. Sit behind the bat. Pass. Smirk while my

teammate breaks the glass.

I'll pay my dues. I got my own shoes.

When I sign a contract, it's all the news. Two seconds left. Hey, I'm your

Everybody stop now. I'm your man. Never watch the rich joke. I put things up.

Just give me the ball. Broken ankles. Just give me the ball. Just give me the

ball.

Broken ankles. Just give me the ball. Just give me the ball. Broken ankles.

Just give me the ball. Just give me the ball. Broken ankles. Just give me the

ball. Just give me the ball.

Broken ankles. Just give me the ball. Just give me the ball.

Broken

ankles.

Just give me the ball.

Okay, next basket win.

With all due respect, there's only one thing left to say.

Woo -hoo!

Your friend sure knows how to celebrate.

I'm sure he'll be done in a minute.

Yeah! Yeah!

Or two.

Babe, don't go back!

Successful applicant.

Yours must be in here.

You think?

Yeah, mine's labeled all other applicants. Also known as better luck

chump.

Hello, I'm Michael Davies. Have I got a scoop for you.

What else was there?

Oh,

Wilder did his essay on completing the perfect Ollie 360.

He had a follow -up story, what to look for in a leg cast.

Amanda.

do something like this.

The day Baba came to school.

Delamination feels in the freshness.

Mine isn't in here.

I was right. Framed in DJ's office.

Or it could be in the loser box.

Did you find it?

No.

Strong voice but awkward structure.

Needs work.

Not ready?

I was rejected.

Only winners work at Buzz.

Swoosh, just like yesterday.

When I beat your dad.

Yeah, about that.

Maybe you could have eased up a little.

Eased up?

I'm sure your dad wants to beat me fair and square.

Daddy hates losing.

It would be good sportsmanship to give him a rematch at something that's more

his game.

Like, um, polo.

If you're going to make him games, come up with a better name than polo. How

about Slim Slam?

It's not made up. It's real.

And you're playing him stay at five.

How do you play it? Where do you play it?

I won't have time to prepare.

My point?

Exactly.

Has anyone ever heard of knocking? I don't have time for knocking on doors.

too busy going bald.

Why would you even say that? I didn't say that.

Clarissa, Psychic to the Stars, said it. I see. What else did Clarissa say? She

predicted that I would watch So You Think You Can Sew on TV last night, and

did. That was your choice.

Like I would miss finding out if Bernice was eliminated.

And? She's the one.

Okay, Michael, how exactly can I help you with this?

Well, I figured since you're an older guy with all this hair that you might

some hair -saving secrets.

Is that a... Wake? Do tell. Michael, listen.

Psychics work by giving vague predictions that can be interpreted in

Did she say anything specific that could only apply to you? She said that today

I would bump into a six -foot man -eating chicken. And that was the point

stopped listening. Michael, trust me.

Psychics are totally bogus.

Shiver.

How tall are you?

Six feet.

You're the six -foot man -eating chicken.

Clarissa is all -knowing.

At least all knowing about chickens.

So, Rebecca told me about your little discovery yesterday.

I just want you to know that there was a mistake made.

So instead of awkward structure, you mean awesome structure?

No.

Someone in the office made a mistake and sent you an acceptance letter when you

should have got a rejection letter.

Wait, so someone else should be sitting at my desk right now?

But don't worry. I called the other writer, and he doesn't want the

See, you know what? Everything's solved, Neil. Let's get back to work. Wait,

wait.

So you offered him my job?

No, no, no, no. I didn't want to lose you, so I offered him a job, too.

Buzz is big enough for two music writers, but he's not interested, so...

am I.

If I didn't get here on my merit, I don't want to be here.

I quit.

Do kids still even say that anymore?

Not so much.

Awkward.

How was polo?

How was what?

Fine. How was Slim Slam?

Ask your dad.

Daddy!

Ew. Air hug?

I'm fine, honeybee.

It was just beginner's luck.

Hey, you're the one who wanted to play Slim Slam. Stop calling it that.

I mean, good match.

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. Oh,

no. You little.

The wild man's thumb is a fire.

You only beat me because I'm suffering from Gleeberry thumb. You try sending 10

,000 emails to Japan, you little teeny tiny.

So, Daddy, you want to go shopping? I'll buy you your favorite frozen yogurt,

chocolate caviar truffle.

Caviar would just slow me down, baby.

I want another shot, Wilder. Name your game. I have a game. It's called Dinner

at Daddy's Club. You can compete over who holds up my chair.

Yachting. Drinking through your nose. Baccarat. Drinking through your nose.

Baseball, soccer, lawn, darts. Drinking through your nose. Drinking through your

nose. Drinking through your nose.

Tetherball.

Close enough.

Uh,

Mrs. Shepherd?

Um...

Oh, good for you, Wilder. Admitting it is half the battle.

I'm sure if I understood that, I'd be insulted.

The thing is, I keep beating Amanda's dad in everything, and I kind of feel

about it. So, maybe stop beating him. I want to, but whenever we start playing,

something inside of me won't allow me to lose.

Curse me, my competitive ways.

Whatever I do, I give my all.

Wait, wait.

You give your all in my class?

Sadly, yes.

Really, because last week on the test... I know.

I said sadly.

Okay. If you really do give everything your all, just give the same effort to

losing. You should make it about how good you can look playing the game while

letting Amanda's dad win.

That's a great idea.

I'll lose, but I'll lose with glory.

Just like how I failed last week's test, but I failed it with glory.

Not buying it.

What are you doing?

Whatever I can to ward off evil.

A rabbit's foot is good luck.

Not to the rabbit.

Thank you, overusedjokes .com.

A bald head could ruin me.

Hello, lucky horseshoe.

Help keep my hair shiny and in my head.

You really think that works?

If it doesn't, there's always the ever -popular salt over the shoulder.

Michael,

you're not supposed to throw the whole shaker. Well, these are desperate times.

Times just got more desperate.

He's got a repair out of my head. I just know it.

Good luck.

What's Noah doing?

He's packing his things.

Looks more like he's rearranging his things.

Maybe he wants to make sure he has everything.

It's four bucks.

Anyone see my stapler? Yeah, it's on my desk.

Keep it.

As a symbol of all the good times we've had.

Thanks. My stapler Henry could use a friend.

So, this is it, huh?

As soon as I finish packing up.

I hate to see you go, and I hate to say this even more, kiddo, but head office

needs you to write a resignation letter.

Oh. Can I use my old desk?

Of course. Be my guest.

That's all I ever was.

Go, Welder!

Go,

Daddy!

Let the game begin!

Come here, come here, come here.

Are you trying to let me win? No way, man.

Really? No way.

All right, then hit this.

You are trying to let me win.

You're trying to lure the bigger man in front of my daughter.

Well, not on my court.

Yes, sir.

because everybody's crazy and all I can do is goodbye.

And you

didn't

think I could go 24 hours a day.

Would you go ahead and win already?

You just win. I'm trying.

I'm trying harder.

All right.

I'll win.

Way to

go, Mr.

Pierce.

Mandy?

A little help, please?

I told you we should have played drinking through the nose.

In my mind.

Why are you wearing a shower cap?

Oh, and what is that smell?

It smells like someone's cooking cabbage in hot dog water.

It's a special gel that's supposed to keep my hair fastened to my head. You

don't think being the smelly kid in the shower cap is worse than baldness?

It's a trade -off, really.

No listening buzz, and this is what you're thinking of?

be the reason he's leaving. He doesn't want to get blinded by my shiny dome.

Let's look at this rationally.

Your dad's bald, right?

He prefers follically challenged.

And your uncle's? He balls every one of them. So there's a very good chance

you'll be bald, too.

In about 40 years.

When you put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad.

So you'll lose the shower cap?

For now.

But don't come near me in 39 years.

I'll have some serious panicking to do.

Still, your hair, it's different.

Clarissa was right.

My hair is springing out of my head.

Very well written resignation.

Oh, how's the structure?

Awkward?

Noah, even if your athlete didn't get you and you've earned your spot here,

bad you're leaving.

I want to stay, DJ. Oh, please.

Come out in front of the others and beg me to stay. I'll say yes.

What? Why would I do that? Oh, because I made such a big deal about leaving.

It's the only way I can stay and keep my dignity.

Oh, please.

I'll do anything.

Extra stories, early deadlines.

Just come out and beg me, please.

Noah, you can stay, but I'm not going to beg. The decision has to be yours.

Oh, fine. You talked me into it.

Listen, can you not tell anyone I pleaded? I got this whole Lou thing

Your secret's safe with me.

Where'd you go, honeybee?

I couldn't watch you guys anymore.

I went to the mall.

What'd you buy?

Nothing.

Oh, this is more serious than I thought.

What's wrong?

You got all competitive with Wilder, from your thumb wars to your slim slam.

It was embarrassing.

And why is that?

Because Daddy may kind of, sort of, maybe like him. Just a little teeny bit.

I know.

What do you think I was so hard on him?

All you had to do was give him a strong handshake and a stern look.

So, what do you think of him?

I find Wilder to be relentless.

Overly competitive and prone to annoying celebratory outbursts. That should tell

you where I stand.

Daddy!

That didn't sound good. Are you kidding? That's the best review of a guy he's

ever given.

Those are the exact words people used to describe Daddy when he was your age.

Wow. I wonder if I'll be a multi -gajillionaire too.

Not if you think that Jillian is a real number.

But at least it means that your dad likes me.

It means that if you come by the house, he won't stick the bigger dogs on you.

Only ankle biters?

And the wild man wins again!

Guys,

check this out.

No, it's things like this that make me glad I'm still here.

Good thing DJ begged me to stay.

As if. LOL.

What an attitude.

A doll after my own heart.

Fashion victim coming through.

Let me try.

I'm here. Let the fun begin.

I didn't even pull the string yet.

I'm right behind you, Walter.

We should have never taken this thing out of its box.