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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:17,720 Who is it? That I'm starving. 2 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:22,620 I got here as fast as I could. 3 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,260 Oh, look how you're sweating. 4 00:00:24,860 --> 00:00:26,740 You must have peddled very hard. 5 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:31,780 We promised delivery in 30 minutes and... Oh no, it's 31 minutes. 6 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:34,500 I'm a minute late. I've been bad. 7 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,260 You could get into a lot of trouble for that. 8 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:39,680 But don't worry. 9 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:41,660 I won't say anything. 10 00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:45,120 You know, this pizza's too much for one person. 11 00:00:46,620 --> 00:00:49,380 Would you like to join me? 12 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,800 Oh, no, ma 'am, I'm not supposed to eat with the customers. 13 00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:53,980 Oh, come on. 14 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,960 I'm so lonely, all by myself in this big mansion. 15 00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:01,800 Oh, please, lady, I'm just a hard -working kid trying to make an honest 16 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,940 Then lie down, pizza boy. 17 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,760 I'm gonna give you a great big kiss. 18 00:01:17,290 --> 00:01:18,290 anything for you? 19 00:01:19,570 --> 00:01:22,910 Not really. I got so into character, I started worrying about getting fired. 20 00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:27,350 I skipped breakfast and lunch. All I could think about was the pizza. 21 00:01:27,850 --> 00:01:28,850 Oh, man. 22 00:01:29,210 --> 00:01:31,350 This is not good. This is not good at all. 23 00:01:31,610 --> 00:01:34,650 We always do this. We just put way too much pressure on ourselves. 24 00:01:34,870 --> 00:01:38,550 I mean, where is it written, thou shalt have great sex from day one? 25 00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:39,790 How about week three? 26 00:01:41,910 --> 00:01:45,810 Well, look, just, you know, this whole sexual... 27 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,080 The chemistry thing is way beyond our control anyway. 28 00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:50,180 We'll see. 29 00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:55,360 Someday, it's going to happen when we least expect it. 30 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:59,440 Oh, God, honey, you have a big hunk of pepperoni in your teeth. 31 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,860 All right, now. 32 00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:07,840 I need you all to read this over very carefully. It's a list of all the things 33 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,039 you're allowed to bring into prison and what you're not. 34 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:14,480 Now. No one's obligated, of course, but just keep in mind, it is Charles' 35 00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:18,080 birthday, and the only other gifts he's going to be getting are guns carved out 36 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,080 of soap. 37 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:24,320 No drugs, no weapons, no pornography. Well, so much for the traditional 38 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,320 gift. 39 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:30,380 Hey, how about one of those desktop calendars? The next seven years at a 40 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,720 Funny, funny, funny, very funny. I don't care. Make a joke out of it. Listen, as 41 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,240 long as you all show up at the party. 42 00:02:37,180 --> 00:02:39,180 You are all showing up at the party, aren't you? 43 00:02:44,460 --> 00:02:45,640 God, we've got to get out of this one. 44 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:51,140 Man, my life keeps taking one odd turn after the other. Now I'm going to a 45 00:02:51,140 --> 00:02:53,500 birthday party in a federal penitentiary? 46 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,460 It's no fun playing musical chairs when one of them is plugged in. 47 00:02:57,980 --> 00:03:02,180 Social obligations are so binding that a true master can't wriggle out of it. 48 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:03,220 Watch how it's done. 49 00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:04,260 Nadine? 50 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:10,200 About the party. You know I committed to it two weeks ago, but now something's 51 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:10,909 come up. 52 00:03:10,910 --> 00:03:14,530 Please don't ask me any details. It's very personal. Shoot. 53 00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:21,010 I was really dying to go, but this, well... Let's just say it's very 54 00:03:21,970 --> 00:03:26,590 Really, Meg? Oh, really. More important than all that paperwork I had to do to 55 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:27,590 get your visit approved. 56 00:03:27,850 --> 00:03:32,670 The hours I spent laboring over every detail so that a man... serving seven 57 00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:35,910 years in a cold, dark cell with nothing more to look forward to than being 58 00:03:35,910 --> 00:03:40,350 blasted around a room with a fire hose, could have just one hour of joy in his 59 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,450 otherwise dismal existence? 60 00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:44,630 Oh, please, please, you've got to come. 61 00:03:44,910 --> 00:03:48,350 Otherwise, that whole boy -girl ratio thing is going to be thrown off. And 62 00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:51,570 what am I going to do? I'm going to invite some prison matron who'll sit 63 00:03:51,570 --> 00:03:55,690 and amuse us by showing us how she can suck a lit cigarette into her mouth. I 64 00:03:55,690 --> 00:03:58,590 don't know. I don't know. Somehow that doesn't have the Nadine Berkus signature 65 00:03:58,590 --> 00:03:59,590 on it. 66 00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:08,190 Poor Nadine. Oh, for God's sake, stop pummeling me, Ray. I'm riddled with 67 00:04:09,530 --> 00:04:11,910 You're going to make some lucky girl a wonderful mother someday. 68 00:04:13,310 --> 00:04:16,110 That's not what you were saying a couple weeks ago when you and I... Hey, what 69 00:04:16,110 --> 00:04:17,110 are you, an elephant? 70 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:23,510 The whole country managed to forget that Nixon had a dark side, but you, you 71 00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:27,010 can't forget one unfortunate night that happened between us that never should 72 00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:28,010 have happened. 73 00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:29,250 Not really. 74 00:04:30,830 --> 00:04:33,150 That damn grin again. I'm going to tell you something, Ray. I don't think you're 75 00:04:33,150 --> 00:04:34,150 making an effort. Meg! 76 00:04:34,930 --> 00:04:37,930 Kitchen. Okay, okay, but I am not finished with you. 77 00:04:38,970 --> 00:04:40,030 I've heard that one before. 78 00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:42,870 Meg! Meg! 79 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:55,630 Look, Nadine, I didn't realize how important this party was to you. And if 80 00:04:55,630 --> 00:04:59,490 you're upset about something and you need to talk about it, 81 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:04,750 I just want you to know I'm here for you. 82 00:05:05,410 --> 00:05:08,730 Oh, my God, she's hysterical. Let's get the hell out of here. You leave now and 83 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:10,110 I tell Ray you're carrying his child. 84 00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,070 What's wrong? 85 00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:17,230 Oh, God. 86 00:05:18,070 --> 00:05:19,070 It's Charles. 87 00:05:19,510 --> 00:05:20,970 I think he's having an affair. 88 00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:22,270 In prison? 89 00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:24,330 Oh, no. 90 00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:26,690 No, no. 91 00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,350 No, nothing like that. 92 00:05:28,610 --> 00:05:32,780 Although... His cellmate Moose has taken to signing his name Moose Berkins. No. 93 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:35,660 No, it's a woman. 94 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,260 Now, Nadine, this is a pretty serious charge. What made you suspect? 95 00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:41,360 Just little things. 96 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,920 Last year, I gave Charles a box of stationary birds of the New England 97 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:52,220 waterways. Well, he's run out, Moose tells me, because Charles has been 98 00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,220 to a woman. 99 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:57,040 I'm a woman, but all he ever sent me were a mallard and a Canadian honker. 100 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:03,460 And then last week when I went to visit, a new guard said to me, oh, you're Mrs. 101 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:07,940 Burkett. Seems that another woman had visited Charles three times that week. 102 00:06:07,940 --> 00:06:10,620 when I asked Charles about it, he got all flustered and he said, oh, she was a 103 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:11,559 volunteer nun. 104 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:12,960 Well, now wait, that could be true. 105 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,700 Nuns do visit the prisons and not all of them wear those old habits anymore. 106 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,500 Are they tall and blonde wearing Donna Karan mini skirts and alligator 107 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,500 slingbacks? 108 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,080 Only if their prayers have been answered. 109 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,200 How could he do this to me? 110 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,500 Has he no conscience? 111 00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:32,460 What about all that time I stood by him through the hell of that trial? 112 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,640 But did I ever let on how it made me feel? No. 113 00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:38,160 I hung in there. I stood by him. I supported that man. I'll tell you 114 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,960 If he's having an affair, so help me God, I'm going to make him suffer. 115 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,060 I am going to hurt him, and I'm going to hurt him bad. 116 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:46,840 I wonder if there'll be an open bar. 117 00:06:58,970 --> 00:07:01,290 humiliating the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me. 118 00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:04,870 Charles is in here for stock fraud. Why were we strip searched? 119 00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:08,390 Now you know why I don't go to birthday parties. 120 00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:12,790 No, let's go, let's go. Meg, we'll meet you right out here. 121 00:07:13,450 --> 00:07:18,210 And Dana, dear, might I say that when expecting a strip search, an outfit with 122 00:07:18,210 --> 00:07:20,110 that many buttons is just not a wise choice. 123 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,630 Thanks for the tip, Nadine, but you see, I didn't know there was going to be a 124 00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:27,550 strip search because you didn't say so. Tell me something. I'm curious. 125 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:32,230 How does something like there is going to be a trip search slip your mind? 126 00:07:33,650 --> 00:07:35,230 Hello. Look at the boys. 127 00:07:35,730 --> 00:07:37,890 You don't see them complaining. Hi, Jack. 128 00:07:38,130 --> 00:07:39,570 Hi there, Abe. Where's Ray? 129 00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:40,830 He passed out. 130 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,610 They're giving him juice and a cookie in the back. 131 00:07:47,290 --> 00:07:51,550 Hey, keep it down, will you? We got people in here trying to... To what? 132 00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:53,790 Make wallets? Dig tunnels? What? 133 00:07:56,110 --> 00:07:57,730 This is the conjugal visits room. 134 00:07:59,230 --> 00:08:00,230 Oh. 135 00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:01,450 Oh, sorry. 136 00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:03,370 What is this, a hotel? 137 00:08:04,530 --> 00:08:06,310 My tax dollars are paying for this? 138 00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:11,630 I'm back there trapped, buck naked, while a guard uses me to play Where's 139 00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:15,690 And you've got an accident and they're getting lucky. 140 00:08:16,010 --> 00:08:17,550 What is wrong with this picture? 141 00:08:19,350 --> 00:08:21,290 Well, hey, Meg, welcome to hell. 142 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,240 Did they remember to give you your I'm with guilty T -shirt? 143 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,480 Say who? 144 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,920 What do you mean? 145 00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:30,380 You got strip searched, didn't you? I don't remember. 146 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,419 You don't remember? 147 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:34,500 You blocked it out? 148 00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:38,860 Why not? I'm good at that. I blocked out an entire set of relatives in grades 10 149 00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:43,220 through 12, which luckily for me coincided with disco and a bad Dorothy 150 00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,220 haircut. 151 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:47,340 Okay. 152 00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:48,780 Time's up, you two. 153 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,400 Break it up. 154 00:08:53,930 --> 00:08:56,730 Move along, folks. There's nothing to see here. Nothing to see. 155 00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:06,610 Oh, wow. 156 00:09:07,530 --> 00:09:09,950 Oh, there is something about this room. 157 00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:16,150 Charles and I had some pretty terrific times in there. 158 00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:21,470 Of course, the sex between us was always great. You know, they say companionship 159 00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:22,730 is everything, but let me tell you something. 160 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,610 If the sex isn't good, you got nothing. 161 00:09:24,950 --> 00:09:26,390 Can we get the party started, please? 162 00:09:28,210 --> 00:09:29,970 Oh, Ray, well, finally. 163 00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:33,970 Ray, dear, you're going to a party. Could you try to look a little more 164 00:09:35,010 --> 00:09:36,010 Okay. 165 00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:37,530 Birds, we're all here now. 166 00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:38,870 All right, this way, everybody. 167 00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:48,510 How you doing, big guy? Jack, please, I don't want to be touched. 168 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,270 I just want to get on with my life. 169 00:09:57,959 --> 00:10:00,780 Okay. All right, everybody, listen up. This is the plan. This is the plan. 170 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,260 They're going to be bringing Charles in through this door here. 171 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:07,440 People, this door here. So what I want to do is I want everybody to hide behind 172 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,140 these chairs. We'll dim the lights. Then when he comes in, we'll all yell 173 00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:12,480 surprise. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight, Nadine. 174 00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:15,500 You want me to hide in the dark behind a piece of furniture. 175 00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:19,940 And when the guard comes in with a big gun, you want me to jump on it. 176 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,990 And scare the hell out of him? 177 00:10:24,530 --> 00:10:25,530 No, no. 178 00:10:25,610 --> 00:10:26,610 I don't think so. 179 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,010 All right, everybody, stand back. 180 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:32,230 Prisoner coming in. 181 00:10:32,310 --> 00:10:35,530 God, it's Charles. What am I going to do? What if he lies? Am I supposed to 182 00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:36,590 pretend I don't think that's anything? 183 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,010 Everything's the way it was. What? 184 00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:40,550 Surprise! 185 00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:42,430 Oh, gosh. 186 00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:43,850 Look at this. 187 00:10:44,390 --> 00:10:45,510 Oh, Nadine. 188 00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:46,990 Oh, wow. 189 00:10:47,590 --> 00:10:48,830 This is so great. 190 00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:50,230 I'm so surprised. 191 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,220 Hi, Charles Berkus. 192 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:54,640 Who are you? 193 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,660 These are my friends, Charles. You met them a little while ago at Guinevere's 194 00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:00,400 wedding. Well, I guess you don't remember. 195 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,460 Oh, oh, sure, sure. 196 00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:04,540 You were the piano player. 197 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,220 Oh, no. Yeah, you were the piano player. 198 00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:08,860 Yeah, okay, fine. 199 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:12,300 Oh, you're not surprised, are you, Charles? 200 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,500 I can always tell when you're fibbing. Well, honey, they needed three weeks of 201 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:18,140 clearance just to get this party approved. 202 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:23,180 But I was so looking forward to this. Honey, I hope you don't mind, but I've 203 00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:24,180 invited somebody. 204 00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:25,980 Come on in, Moose. 205 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,460 Everybody, this is my cellmate, Moose. Hi, everybody. 206 00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,500 Thanks for having me. 207 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,180 All right, all right, I'll bite. 208 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:40,460 Why don't they call you Moose? 209 00:11:41,390 --> 00:11:43,650 I killed a man with a pair of antlers. 210 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:45,970 It was an accident. 211 00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:49,510 Okay, what do you say we get this party rolling, huh? 212 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:50,810 Let's do our presents, games. 213 00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:54,010 Cake, cake, cake's usually last. Why don't we just go right to cake, huh? All 214 00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:54,689 right, fine. 215 00:11:54,690 --> 00:11:58,150 Listen, everybody, come and get seated, won't you, please? Now, look, the prison 216 00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:01,250 has given us less than an hour for this party. So, Charles, why don't you start 217 00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:05,610 by opening your gifts? Oh, no, I thought we said no gifts. Oh, now I'm 218 00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:06,610 embarrassed. 219 00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:14,180 Moose, no, it's fine. 220 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,580 I've got lots of gifts. Look at them all. 221 00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:19,000 Oh, oh, oh. 222 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,820 Oh, well, now I'll bet this one is from you, Nadine, because it's so beautifully 223 00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:31,740 wrapped. Oh, I can't believe it. Exactly what I wanted. Another box of birds 224 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:33,240 of the New England waterways. 225 00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:38,160 Who said you'd run out? Although they come in a box of 50. I only got two. 226 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:44,510 Huh. That's right. That's all I sent, because I used the last few for... See, 227 00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:50,990 I organized a prison letter -writing campaign to save our favorite TV show, 228 00:12:51,330 --> 00:12:52,330 Phenom. 229 00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,890 God, that was a good show, wasn't it, Moose? 230 00:12:59,490 --> 00:13:01,370 Quirky, irreverent. 231 00:13:03,089 --> 00:13:06,210 Okay, well, we're falling behind schedule here. You can open these gifts 232 00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,030 Let's have some music. Yeah, that's a good idea. 233 00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:09,710 I like that. Oh, yes. 234 00:13:10,030 --> 00:13:11,650 Play some swing or Sinatra. 235 00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:15,970 Something that fills the air with a lush melody and a hint of romance. 236 00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:18,290 Would you care to dance? 237 00:13:18,510 --> 00:13:20,010 No. How about you? 238 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:30,570 Are you all right? 239 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,210 Did you hear him, Dana? 240 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:36,180 He was lying through his teeth. I'm telling you, it's over for us. You 241 00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:37,139 trust men. 242 00:13:37,140 --> 00:13:40,200 Now, Nadine, don't jump to conclusions. You and Charles have been married a long 243 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:44,140 time. I mean, maybe it's not what you think it is. 244 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:47,340 Charles. 245 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,600 Who is that? 246 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,000 Joan. Oh, you're here. 247 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:56,950 Oh, I'm so... happy. I'm so happy. 248 00:13:57,190 --> 00:13:58,890 I was afraid you wouldn't make it. 249 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,930 Everybody, this is Joan Mowbray. 250 00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:04,390 Joan, this is... I have no idea who these people are. 251 00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:06,990 But they brought me a lot of swell gifts. 252 00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:10,770 Hi. Charles, I don't think you've introduced us. 253 00:14:11,610 --> 00:14:14,670 Nadine, Joan is someone very important to me. 254 00:14:15,030 --> 00:14:19,170 We met just a few months ago, but since that day, everything's changed. 255 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,250 In fact... 256 00:14:21,790 --> 00:14:25,070 She's about to make this a happier birthday for me than I could have ever 257 00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:26,070 dreamed possible. 258 00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:27,730 Not in front of me she's not. 259 00:14:28,290 --> 00:14:30,950 That's it. I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you. You just 260 00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,450 get out. Get out and you get out. 261 00:14:32,890 --> 00:14:35,750 I can't. Oh, I know that. 262 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:39,190 What do you think, I just fell off a turnip truck? That's part of the 263 00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,450 you know. You always underestimated my intelligence. 264 00:14:41,690 --> 00:14:45,150 You were the big stockbroker and I was just dull little old Nadine. Nadine, if 265 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:48,430 may... Don't you call me Nadine Little Miss Wonderbra. 266 00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:56,550 I am Mrs. Berkus, and I know who you are, with your oil of Olay complexion 267 00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:58,650 that Miss L 'Oreal, frankly, I'm worth it hair. 268 00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:02,190 Tell me something. Tell me. Why is it I can't see you getting up at 6 o 'clock 269 00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:04,970 in the morning to make his three -and -a -half -minute eggs and sitting through 270 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:08,390 all those boring client dinners of his and telling him that that hair on his 271 00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:11,830 pillow is just normal shedding instead of the beginning of a painful and costly 272 00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:14,450 treatment? Why is it I can't see you do any of those things? 273 00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:18,490 Well, maybe it's because I'm Charles' lawyer, not his lover. 274 00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:21,470 Ah. 275 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,800 Charles retained me to see if I could get him an early parole. 276 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,840 And I'm pleased to announce I've been successful. 277 00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:32,820 You what? 278 00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,360 Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean here? 279 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,400 Honey, don't you understand? 280 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,340 It means I don't have to serve the full seven years. 281 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,100 I'm going to be home in two weeks. 282 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:51,460 I'm going to let you two have a little time alone. 283 00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,780 As long as you promise not to suffocate her with the cake. 284 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,600 I've been dying every time I've seen that happen. 285 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,280 Come on, Moose. Let it go. 286 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:22,540 Charles Berkusville has a few tricks up his sleeve, huh? 287 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,480 I've never seen anything like that look on your face when you heard the words 288 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,480 early parole. 289 00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:31,300 Oh, God, I am so sorry about the way I blew up like that. 290 00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:34,080 I honestly thought you were having an affair. 291 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,160 Oh, my God, Nadine. 292 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,760 We're a team. 293 00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:44,500 But to see you snap like that, I had no idea what a strain my imprisonment has 294 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,500 been on you. 295 00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:49,340 Having to take care of the house all by yourself, pay all the bills, 296 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,940 Rotate the tires on the minivan. 297 00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:54,820 You poor kid. 298 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:57,640 You did rotate the tires, didn't you? 299 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,240 Yes, yes. You poor kid. 300 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,420 But I'm going to make it up to you. You'll see. Two weeks from today, 301 00:17:05,420 --> 00:17:06,920 is going to go right back to normal. 302 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,200 I'll get my old job back on Wall Street. 303 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:10,839 The stock market's in the toilet. 304 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,500 People are desperate. We'll be rich again in no time. 305 00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:15,839 We'll take a vacation. 306 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,540 Well, like that time we rented that old converted barn on the Cape. Oh, that was 307 00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,720 nice. That was nice. Yeah, you see? Yeah. 308 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,540 But, Charles, I can't just up and run off. I work now. You know that. 309 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:26,880 Oh, but you don't have to. You can quit. 310 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,780 But I don't think I want to quit my job. I like my job. It's the only one I've 311 00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:34,160 ever had. And I really love the feeling I get when I go and I cash my check 312 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,180 every week. That's money. Oh, it's all right. It's all right. 313 00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,620 So you can work. 314 00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:41,700 Yeah. I'm not saying we won't have some adjusting to do. 315 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,320 They say you don't get used to life on the outside. 316 00:17:44,970 --> 00:17:45,929 Just like that? 317 00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,950 I mean, I know. 318 00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:55,550 When I open my dresser drawer at home and see all those polo shirts folded the 319 00:17:55,550 --> 00:18:01,910 way you do them, nice and square, with the pony facing up on 320 00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:07,650 the left -hand corner, I'm going to choke up a little. 321 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:15,340 Charles, can I ask you a question? I'm innocent, I swear. No, no, no. 322 00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,140 I don't mean that. 323 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,560 Do you love me? 324 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:24,880 What? 325 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,260 Of course I do. 326 00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:32,200 That little pause, what was that for? 327 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:40,120 What pause? That little... I was trying to think 328 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:40,999 of all of the... 329 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,840 The different reasons why I love you. 330 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,180 Like the poem. 331 00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:46,820 How do I love thee? 332 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:48,780 Let me count the ways. 333 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:50,780 I love thee. 334 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,140 Jesus, how does the rest of that go? 335 00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:02,400 To the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight 336 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,380 for the ends of being an ideal grace. Yeah. 337 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,120 Yeah. 338 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:08,440 That's the one. 339 00:19:09,580 --> 00:19:11,640 You see, Nadine, we're a team. 340 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:17,000 That's why I can always turn to you and say, Hey, Nadine, what was the name of 341 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,000 that poem? 342 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,820 Or, Hey, Nadine, where did we stay when we went to Vail? 343 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,240 We did go to Vail, didn't we? 344 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,000 Charles, can I tell you about a dream I keep having? 345 00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:36,890 I go to pick you up at the train station, the way I always used to, and 346 00:19:36,890 --> 00:19:41,930 over and you lean in, you give me a kiss on the cheek, as usual, and I slide 347 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:48,290 over and you get behind the wheel, and we drive home, eyes staring straight 348 00:19:48,290 --> 00:19:49,290 ahead. 349 00:19:49,550 --> 00:19:55,530 We can only see one side of each other, and it's always the same side. 350 00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:57,950 Don't you see, Charles? 351 00:19:59,000 --> 00:19:59,939 The car. 352 00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:02,020 It's a symbol of our whole life together. 353 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,380 You didn't rotate the tires, did you? 354 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:12,760 All right, all right, all right. So we'll switch sides. Oh, better yet, 355 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,980 get one of those Jags straight from England with the steering on the other 356 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:17,640 Bing, bang, boom. Problem solved. 357 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:23,000 Oh, you are just not getting this at all, are you? You just don't get it. And 358 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,860 frankly, neither do I. God, I'm so confused. 359 00:20:27,020 --> 00:20:28,020 I don't know. 360 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:33,040 Maybe there are other things in a relationship that are more important, 361 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:37,560 kind of companionship that allows you to accept all a person's side, not just 362 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,560 the one that's convenient or the one you want to see. 363 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,540 Charles, I don't think I can go back to life the way it was. 364 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:48,060 I don't believe I said that. 365 00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:51,280 Oh, come on, Nadine. 366 00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:56,720 I'm locked up here in this hellhole for the last two years, stuck with the 367 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,680 videotape library where nobody thinks it's important to rewind. 368 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,800 Sitting here, counting the days until I get out, and now you tell me this. 369 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,140 Charles, you don't love me. 370 00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:14,920 At least not the way I always dreamed of being loved. 371 00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:19,960 I think I have to go my own way for a little while. 372 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:22,530 See where it takes me. 373 00:21:23,830 --> 00:21:24,870 I don't believe this. 374 00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:31,730 If you think I'm going to let this end here, after all the years together, and 375 00:21:31,730 --> 00:21:34,490 the kids, and the sex. 376 00:21:35,930 --> 00:21:37,530 Oh, Charles. 377 00:21:38,770 --> 00:21:41,330 Oh, you're right. Oh, we mustn't be selfish about this. 378 00:21:42,830 --> 00:21:45,610 Yes, for the kids' sake, we should still have sex. 379 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,520 I told you, rules are rules. 380 00:21:52,780 --> 00:21:56,460 You can't go until your whole party's here. That's not fair. Jack and Dana are 381 00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:57,460 already in the car. 382 00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,740 Then they'll get their punishment in hell. 383 00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:02,240 You have to wait for Mrs. Burke. 384 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,540 I can't hear. 385 00:22:05,980 --> 00:22:07,400 Damn these prison walls. 386 00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:10,820 She's knocking. Dave, Dave, come quickly, please. 387 00:22:16,170 --> 00:22:19,850 Hi. Oh, hi, everybody. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. So, Nadine, what's the 388 00:22:19,850 --> 00:22:20,850 story? 389 00:22:21,170 --> 00:22:25,790 Well, I may as well just tell you all now. You're going to find out about it 390 00:22:25,790 --> 00:22:28,670 soon enough. Charles and I have decided to separate. 391 00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:31,870 Oh, that's too bad. I feel terrible. 392 00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:36,770 I'd stay and talk to you about it, but there is a birthday boy back there, and 393 00:22:36,770 --> 00:22:38,970 no one has sung to him yet. 394 00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:41,510 Now, would you excuse me? 395 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:46,720 Hey, Moose, wait for me. 396 00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:48,640 All right, you can all go now. 397 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,460 Let's get out of here. Wait a second. Wait, wait. I'm just going to... Maybe 398 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:53,460 it's okay. 399 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,080 Are you okay? 400 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,520 I guess not. She's hysterical again. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. 401 00:23:06,980 --> 00:23:07,980 Okay. 402 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:09,880 Time's up, folks. 403 00:23:25,230 --> 00:23:26,450 My name is Dave Simon. 404 00:23:26,670 --> 00:23:29,170 I'm a correctional officer in the federal penitentiary system. 405 00:23:29,570 --> 00:23:34,010 All the things you saw in the preceding program are untrue. To wit, you may not 406 00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:36,050 bring gifts of any kind to an inmate in prison. 407 00:23:36,310 --> 00:23:39,270 Two, prisoners are not allowed to have conjugal visits. 408 00:23:39,610 --> 00:23:41,270 Three, no birthday parties. 409 00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:44,990 And four, many states are removing televisions from prison. 410 00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:49,050 So if you want to watch the Super Bowl this year, don't break the law. 34257

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