Original subtitles

Christ, it took that old fuck a long time to croak.

But it did cough.

You've done well with that solicitor.

You have to pay him much.

They weren't too expensive.

You know what gets me is... Why would Jimmy Silver want to leave his old poem?

To that little whippie over there.

Button, man. What?

Well, hey.

Fucking poppy cake.

Oi! Hold on to it!

Not coming handy.

Whole of London knows he owed you for that Black Monday scare.

Yeah, all right, all right.

From now on, the whole of London's going to know that I'm a Jimmy Silver copper.

And you're a McGrath.

Let's do the old man.

Go for a trip on his way out by now.

With Jimmy Silver's piggy bank tucked under his arm.

Think he'll be alright.

Oh, yeah.

Long did I get greedy.

What's that do? Let's go.

No! Not yet.

Open that!

Oi!

Wake up! Let's forget it.

What did you say?

Las Vegas.

It's got everything.

We can't afford those hotels.

We can go to a motel, like in the films.

Nah.

Someone always died in them kind of films.

Here. This is in the wardrobe.

25 quid, all new.

Pure jackets, Jamie.

Have a look at that.

See?

Easy. Now that's where we want to be going. Yeah?

Where is it?

Thailand. I don't trust myself in Thailand.

We should just go to Ibiza.

Again?

Well, we've got to go somewhere cheap because I ain't sharing a room with any

you animals. Not after laugh time.

We should stick to Spain.

I mean, we know the money.

I speak a little Spanish.

We know what to expect.

Hey, the freight's gone down.

He's got five years.

So Mickey and Farrell?

What'd he do?

Aggravated burglary.

If he's here, he broke into St Paul's Cathedral and attacked a vicar with a

crucifix.

So...

Half of what the key's worth, and you can walk away with it.

That key is mine.

Jimmy Silver was a wealthy man.

Anything else you're thinking of selling me?

The house, car.

Want me to make you an offer on my shoes?

I want what I'm owed.

Oh, you'll get that, my son.

Truthless!

We've done a deal.

I ain't had nothing out of that job.

Because you fucked it up.

Seems like he was one step ahead of you, Miami.

Just like he always was.

And I'm going to keep good hold of this key until I find out exactly what it's

worth.

You can use that key right now to buy back the rest of your natural

life.

or I'll have you torn apart before the end of the week.

You ain't got no waiting in.

Parker's right.

All our boys are in Parkhurst and Longlawn.

Better get somebody in here then, haven't we?

I've already booked you an holiday.

Sweet.

Anyone nice?

Package.

Her Majesty's prison service.

Not so sweet.

You heard of Toothless?

Yeah. Top blag merchant.

Blag merchant?

Then I won't go so far as to say top.

Toothless has a key about his person, which is very, very important

to me. Trouble is, he's looking at a ten -year stretch.

And I'm not known for me patience.

Organise the fit up.

You get nabbed, as soon as you're on the inn, we feed you all the orders. You

get the key, we drop all the charges and you walk with 50 grand.

I don't know if I think this is really what... I'm not asking you to think

it, am I?

You're the only Muppets I know who don't have any record.

Um, Miami.

I'm on probation.

I've got six months left. I can't get sent down again.

Well, we'll have to leave you out of the arrangement then.

It was horrible.

They just, like, leapt on me.

Like animals.

They was pulling me here.

And they grabbed me handbag with everything in it.

One of them grabbed my arse.

I'll have mental scars right up to me pension.

I'm going now.

Like Mickey and Beryl? In the same nick as us?

Right. You spat in the face of the Lord's flag tidings. And the Lord

speaking clear to me of these matters.

The Lord said, Mickey fucking Beryl!

That nut has been certified.

What's he doing in here? Certified? He's got more than certificates.

He must have medals for being nut.

Anyone clocked tootlers yet?

Yeah. Up there on the twos.

Well, let's do it, then. Let's get that fucking key and get the fuck out of

here. Will you wait a minute? Can't do in front of everyone. We've just got

here. I don't want to be here another day, mate. I've had enough.

Come on, move.

Isn't this one of them?

I've seen them round at Miami's. Who's them, then?

Eight men working on.

Right, Special Brew, your new cellmate.

Right. You fucking English.

This is a man's world.

This is a man's world.

But it would mean nothing, nothing without

a woman on it.

Home sweet home.

Oh, I wonder who we got in here with us.

Yeah, right.

Fuck's sake, bacon, it could be anyone.

Did you plug anything up?

No. Did you?

What about it? Couldn't quite bring myself, you know what I mean?

Shit. I hate small spaces, OK?

Lee, just chill out a bit, right?

You've only been here half an hour.

For Christ's sake, Bacon, I'm bored already.

We're supposed to be in Tennant fucking Reef.

Let's get that key, now.

Now.

I'm Jamie.

It's all right.

I'm actually a little bit Scottish.

Ah, yeah, fuck.

Give me a moment.

Her name was Campbell.

Campbell?

You'd be better to be an Englishman than one of they fucking scum got into bed

with her red coats.

You're in and out, Phil.

No, I'm bored. These are our new cellmates.

All right, lad?

Yeah, all right.

Can't be easy being the new fish in the tank.

Still, as long as you learn the rules.

Yeah.

What's these rules in?

First off, if you want to dump in the middle of the night, you have to do a

flying pasty. Flying what? Flying pasty. Take a shit and a piece of paper, wrap

it up, chuck it out the window. You stink the old drum out, else.

If you're into smack, don't cook up and leave your shit lying about for us, cos

me and him aren't going down the block for nobody, not even you, all right?

Yeah, right.

Whoa.

You want to toss off, you do it during association.

We tack it in turns, the rest of us go out. I do not want to hear you bumping

the blanket in the middle of the night, all right?

Fair enough.

Yeah.

Right, er, can we get you boys anything?

Bit of ash, maybe?

No, we're a bit short of cash. I ain't asking you to pay right now, am I?

Here you go.

Listen, I know what it's like first time inside. It's a bit of an edge fuck,

isn't it?

I'm not sure. Yeah, go on.

Have you got the cash?

Nobody's there.

What's the damage? 30 quid. 30 quid? Shh!

Bullets for that? That's tourist prices. You ain't a fucking Avon lady. You got

it, you keep it and you pay us.

Yeah.

When you got the cash?

All right?

Well, we could have had a lap there.

Yeah.

What's that?

Two fucking basic rules for you, pal.

Keep your nose out and shut your mouth.

Piece of cock and he's shite. What's your problem?

You ain't never laid eyes on me before.

Does the word Glencoe not mean anything to you?

Did I sell you some dodgy scotch? You English make me sick.

You shite over all the other countries, your whole fucking history, and you

don't even fucking remember!

Oh, one day, mate!

Let me tell you something.

You bastards can take our land, you can take our oil, you can beat us at the

football once every ten years, but you'll never take our pride!

I don't want your fucking pride, you fucking nutcase!

I couldn't get out.

Fucking Celtic fan wanted to talk to me. Yeah, well, our cellmate's a bit

fucking keen as well.

Yeah, we were trying to get into Totus' cell and these two big geezers... Hey,

hey. Two blisters on her down.

What about Mick?

Mate, I wish you wouldn't stare at me like that.

Well, we've got two minutes to get that key out of the toothless cell, right?

Yeah.

You'll get this shot.

What,

Jane? Crawling.

What are you doing?

That's the Pokemon bird, you cunt. You prick.

That was fucking eight years ago.

And she'd already left you. Fuck off. Come on.

Maybe it's him.

He looks like he'd do someone for a few quid. No, it's always the quiet ones,

mate. The ones you don't expect.

Maybe it's all of them.

Maybe. They do get you under every day, but most of them don't do the job

proper. Just carve you up a bit and shoot you in the gut.

Might be hours before you cop it.

Yeah, all right, Frank.

I don't know what his problem is.

It's a crawly.

Oi, come and get it down, will you? No.

People look at it for topless.

Hey, Mickey.

I'm going to clump him.

Jamie, shut it.

Do you remember her?

She had a body like a bag of soup.

Made a noise like Donald Duck.

Well, you shagged her.

Did she?

Toothless. Oh, shit.

Get out of here. Come on.

Come on mate, he's gonna...

F**king

Canadian.

We're never gonna get out of here, mate.

Hey, Tanya, the, uh, the honey's in the cupboard behind the Weetabix.

Actually, bring that too.

Oh, yeah.

That's it, baby.

Come to Mooney.

All right, sweetheart.

Do me.

Fucking shit!

God, I thought she was Tanya.

What the fuck is going on?

Well, me and Tanya, we was just... Talking about that key.

Oh, right.

Well, er... Yeah, well, I'm still waiting to hear.

Actually, er... My mind

is on that key at all times.

Yeah, yeah, well... Maybe your friends need some help.

Maybe you should be on the inside with them.

Yeah, well, I'd love to be in there with them, but... We've heard your stories.

Toothless ain't such a bad geezer when you get to know him.

And that's exactly what I need you to do.

Apparently, he's just joined the food preparation course.

And I found out something very interesting about you.

You're a qualified chef.

Mrs Evans, can we have a word?

So it's best to forget all about boiled sprouts and suet pudding.

You phone in sick with something nasty and don't ever go back, alright?

Otherwise, instead of weekend trips to Southend...

You'll be doing weekend trips to Epping Forest to visit your old Bert's unmarked

grave.

Right,

gentlemen. This is your new chef while Mrs Evans is convalescing. His name is

Moon.

What?

Is that right, sir? Moon?

Yeah.

Right.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

All right, lads?

Mrs. Evans lets us do what we want, pal.

Right.

I'm making a bother or something.

Give me a minute.

Well, uh, that's great.

But I thought we could, uh, you know, make something together.

Steak and chips?

I'm making an omelette.

Well, I've got a great recipe for a Spanish one.

Fuck off.

You all right?

Fuck you, Daniel.

Well, they got us a job, didn't they?

You what?

Part of his plan.

Well, what's the rest of his plan?

You ain't gonna like it.

Can't get any worse, can it?

Well, Amy says the plan is...

You kill Toothless, and you give me the key to smuggle out.

What?

Is that it? That ain't really much of a plan, though.

And if you don't do it, Barbie don't drop them charges.

We do Toothless, and we'll be in here a long time. And if we don't, we're dead

when we get out.

What happened?

We've got to get out.

I owe Brummie a lot of dope money.

Fuck. Really, fuck.

Lee? Hey. Get the thing away.

This place is their maiden.

Oh, here we go.

And Jesus chose you to join our fuck.

I'm going to baptise you in the showers.

With as many ways as there are holes.

Oh, Lord, it's punishing me.

Bullets. These lads is working for me now.

Isn't that right, Lee? Uh, yeah.

I'll have your money for you by the end of next week.

Ah, fuck the money. You can get us gear instead.

Get your birds to bring it in for us.

Don't look so unhappy.

You'll be well looked after. We don't need looking after.

Miggy ain't no bullshitter.

We'll handle him for you.

Yeah.

Just so long as you pay your debts.

You ain't gonna have protection forever, Twinkle.

Jamie. Jamie!

This is really getting to you, isn't it?

I feel better now.

You saw Brum in the yard.

He's protecting them for some reason. Well, what are we going to do then? Go

the numbers?

No.

I think they'll put us in with the nonces.

Not since we clattered that tube, Grover.

Just hand them back the poxy key then.

No. What have you got a bargain with?

What have you got to do?

Zills!

What?

I'm going to put him for a transfer.

Yeah, me too, Dove.

Any particular reason I should take into account?

Well, someone's got the finger on us, innit? I mean, either we kill or we die.

Yeah, yeah.

Better be convinced it's a pressing case.

100 quid. That's all I've got.

Bollocks. You robbed a bank.

Have we got a call?

I'll dig out the forms.

Oh, that's disgusting.

You're making a meal out of this, Lance.

It's a very simple job.

Look, I'll be honest with you, Mr Vice.

You really don't want to kill him.

We'll get the key then.

We've got to sell.

What for?

You ain't going to leave it there. It's not a fucking treasure hunt.

Do you reckon he keeps it on him all the time?

You what?

You taking the piss?

Of course he keeps it on him. It's up his arse, you fucking halfwit. Where

is he going to leave it? Throw it out there.

Oh, come on!

Just a hand chop. You can't do me for that, you bastards. There's no harm in a

hand chop.

I'm going on hunger strike over this, you know. It's not you.

What?

I went to a lot of time and I forget you banged up.

I expect results.

What's all this crap I hear about you being on hunger strike?

I'm taking my case down with the International.

It's an abuse of my human rights.

Brammy, stop fucking about. Just get it down here.

No. I'm not eating nothing till I get my conjugal's.

You ain't married.

Oh, see, that's a crime now, is it? Don't be silly.

Silly, eh?

You'll die if you don't eat.

I'll die if I don't shag.

What are you doing in here?

Brummie's getting a little bit short -tempered.

He's hungry.

Yeah, and paid him for his gear.

You're going to have to have a shower sooner or later.

Mickey Farrell said I'd die in the shower.

Oh, that stuff's making you paranoid.

Paranoid? Yeah.

Mickey Farrell actually thinks God told him to drown me in the shower.

I'm sharing a cell with two armed men who are going to do me for debts that I

can't pay.

And I'm going to be stuck in this dungeon until we do over some geezer.

And get a key out of his arse.

We'll think of something.

I won't.

Fuck you,

Judas.

Thought you could slit my throat in the night.

Christ, I took this. Get a grip.

What? After another day out, Pagus, you have to double the amount of smack

you're bringing in for us.

Typical, innit?

Be friendly to them, help them out, and what do you get?

Ripped off.

You rip Rummy off.

Just give us a couple of days.

Two.

Two and I'm counting.

Leave it with us, all right?

No worries.

It's the only thing about my hunger strike in that paper.

You

go

to transfer.

Thank fuck.

Not up Northfire? No.

Scrubs.

Scrubs?

You can't say mistake, Gav. Are you in danger there, too? Everyone's in danger

there.

It's my turn to fry the fucking chips.

Bollocks! It's your turn to chop the onions up, and you know it! You can do

each.

Look, you... Here you are.

Who's got the blade?

Fuck's sake, it's the only blade that cuts!

If you burst anything with that blade, I'm going to kick the living shit out of

all of you.

It was fucking you, pal.

Listen, braveheart, I need a tool.

I've got eight men on me arse, but you can have it back on Wednesday because

getting transferred.

Then you can choke the onions then.

Get out of here!

Shit. Lee.

Lee.

What?

Toothless is out. He got a fucking transfer.

Come on, Ed.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Scared of me, you make, huh?

I warned you.

I fucking warned you.

I'm going to drive the devil out of you.

After I beat that bug.

Miami sent you, didn't he?

He did, as a matter of fact. Yeah?

I'm taking you with me. Let's go. I've waited long enough. Look, we're the

negotiators, mate.

The what? Just give us the key, will you? That's good negotiating, isn't it?

we fail, Miami's got a backup plan.

Mickey.

Mickey Farrell is Miami's hitman.

Oh, look.

I've heard him raving away.

Pages are falling out.

No, it's all an act.

It's standard, isn't it, lads?

If he gets the rumble for doing you...

He pleads insanity.

We don't like this.

Just give us the key and we'll take care of Mickey.

No.

No.

No, I ain't giving up without a fucking good fight. Now, piss off!

Please, my office now.

Oh! Right, fuck it. It's pay -up time. I want two ounces of ash, a couple of

grams of smack, right?

Yeah, the only problem... There will be no problem.

It's visiting day tomorrow, right?

You get your birds to buy it from this address.

Now, should the goods not come through, I will let Ironbar kill you.

All right?

Yeah.

I've spoke to my birds. She said she's well up for it.

She said she's going to sort you out.

Make sure she does.

Right?

And never.

God, man.

Worst comes to worst, I'll ask my old dear if she'll pick it up.

Your mum?

You're fucking mad, mate.

She might do it. Please.

Get a grip on reality, will you? You're looking remarkably well for a man on

hunger strike.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Policeman.

I read your name in the paper the other day.

Oh, yeah?

What paper was that, then? Prison Gazette.

Thing is, they got your name wrong.

It said, known to his fellow prisoners as Gummy.

Prison fucking Gazette.

I need more publicity than that.

My cause needs to be heard. It needs to be the topic of debate.

I'll print it on the notice board for you.

Crap.

Hey, Brummie. What?

I hear you ain't had much publicity for your calls, mate.

What's it to you?

Well, I think we can help you out.

This had better be good.

Hunger strikes never get that much publicity unless you die.

No, mate, the way forward for you is a hostage situation.

You threaten the lives of a few inmates and you'll have the whole of Fleet

Street swarming around here like flies around shit, mate.

Plus, you get the added bonus of all the exclusives from all the rags.

Make a fucking fortune, mate.

Yeah, but what's in it for you?

We want to be the hostages.

He'll be all right.

Brummie ain't going to bring ironbiting on it, is he?

Well, that's Sammy.

Toothless just better be there.

He never misses cookery.

Yeah, well, just remember, make sure Brummie don't bottle out before

has shat the key out, all right?

And Oi, you.

You've got to tell Tanya, all right? Fucking fast -acting laxatives.

Nothing gentle.

Oh, don't worry, mate. I've seen these things work.

Turn his insides out.

It'll be like dredging a canal.

Sweet.

We'll slip him in the cave and he'll be out of here on the weekend.

Speaking of which, I'll give him the bell while I'm at it.

You know what?

Let's just surprise him.

Wake up, will you?

All right, Tanya?

No, there's bloody God certainly more than all the others.

Just a kick then.

Kick? What do you want, a kick?

No, a kiss.

On the mouth.

Just don't swallow him.

Marathon time, Brammy.

You reckon? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go.

We can hold up in the kitchen.

Yeah, that'll be handy now I'm back on the grub, won't it?

No, I'm not.

No, no, no. Just do it, do it.

All right, special, you can go. What do you want me to do?

We're taking hostages.

You want to be one? I'm not going to even go on a mad fest.

For you three divers, I think I'll do.

All right, you can stay, but we ain't letting you out. Right, he stays.

You fuckers ain't going to do me.

We could use one real hostage.

Yeah, yeah, nice one.

Here, Ironbar, help us barricade the door, mate.

It wouldn't be a siege with that old iron bow, would it? What's going on?

Brum's doing a protest.

We've been taken hostage.

Sola's toothless. Right.

Weren't there anywhere else you could have done this?

I'm sorry to drag you into our little domestic. I meant to be taking Tanya to

see the ABBA musical.

Right. Time's over.

Playtime's over.

We ain't coming out.

We've got hostages in here.

It's a good way to write attitude.

Is that true, Brammy? Yeah, it's too fucking right it is. Now get the

down here or I'll start cutting people up. Come on, Brammy.

Open up now. We'll pretend it never happened. Nah, I ain't speaking to you.

talking to the governor and no fucking else. Nice work, mate.

Right. Special break out the hooch, mate. Not a chance.

Oh, come on. We'll sort you out good when it's over. That's my hooch. I'm not

wasting it on the legs of you.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Scrooge. We've got an hostage for you. I'm sticking with my...

on that, Niamh? Just have to use more force.

Okay.

You can all have a couple of these pills.

And you'll love it for that. I'm a fair man.

Where's this hostage then?

You took too long. We've changed our minds.

And you... What's the plan, then?

We make two for the ship of chaos.

Great. Tell him you've smuggled these in.

Yeah. No hard feelings.

Look, I need medical attention.

Let me go first, eh? No. And if you're going to be miserable, we're going to

you up first.

Not bad.

Tastes like stomach acid, mate.

No, it's just a bit fruity. Cheers.

I'll have another.

Rummy lad, this is Governor Moby.

This is all very foolish.

Nothing will come out of this but trouble.

Now, if you think you've got a grievance, open up and we'll have a

Just you and me, man to man.

See if we can't work something out.

Bollocks! Wait, listen.

Listen, you listen.

I want conjugal rights for all the cons, right?

And I want satellite TV and a sofa in my cell.

I'm trying to be serious here, mate. And a microwave, just for me, nobody else.

Don't listen to Iron Bar, you're just negotiating with me, right?

Rummy, that ain't fair. And I want this protest on TV, otherwise I'm going to

start hacking people to death. Look, I can get you onto the news, but conjugal

rights, it's something that will have to go through the Home Office. Take

months.

Well, I'm not exactly going anywhere, am I?

Well... I'll give you 24 hours to think it over. Have you seen how much food

we've got in here?

You can go fuck yourself.

These rats are sick.

Go and make some soup or something. Fine.

Put the legs at you.

Look, Brummie, them lads is going to stitch you right up. They just want to

me and pin it on you.

Now, I'm going to be flush when I get out of here.

I mean, forget all this wife -shagging bollocks. I'm going to be rich.

Rich?

I'm in here for life, you daft prat.

I'm fucking hit, man.

Good.

get you.

You've got to let me go.

Whatever you want, it's yours.

Why don't you shut up?

How come I don't get any? Because it's the last one. What about duvet?

Fuck you, Brummie. I ain't got no woman to come in and give us a shag. I want to

get something out of this. Don't you worry, pal.

You'll get a good beating and a holiday during the block.

You're finished with that.

We're going to get nothing out of this.

We'll get publicity.

Publicity? For that demand.

Your demands?

I don't want to do a month in SIG for no publicity.

I want to get some luxuries. Get in the cupboard and do it in there and then

chuck it out the window.

Oh, God!

Get him in there.

Get him in there. Oh,

God!

That fits into the old plan, then, eh? It's a setback.

Look, Brammy, why don't you let the chef go?

It's a sign of good faith.

Why?

It's just to show him that you ain't mental.

Fuck that.

I am mental.

Yeah. Just make us look weak, wouldn't it? I'm not weak.

You know what?

I think it's time we showed them we mean business.

Nah, let's wait and see if we're on the news first.

Chop someone's leg off and we'll be on the fucking news.

We've got to be cleverer than that.

I mean, like, a feed's right.

It's like a game of chess, isn't it? Since when could you play chess?

Well, draft, then. It's the same thing.

They won't be expecting us to chop no -one's leg off.

Catch them on the off. No, no, no.

Wait a minute. I mean...

I thought we was in this together.

It was our idea, wasn't it?

You said you wanted to be hostages.

Yeah, I know, but... Do you want to be an hostage or not? Easy, boys, easy.

We can make them draw us. Draw us?

Yeah.

I'll get the bread knife.

Right. Can't wait till after the news, eh, lads?

Yeah, after the news.

Where's the telly, Bram?

Oh, shit.

I knew I was going to ask the governor for something. You make it up as you go

along, don't you? I'm fucking cleverer than you are.

You'll be cool, Iron Bar, mate.

Cool, calm and collected.

Bollocks!

I'm bored.

There's no one out there listening to us anymore.

I'm going to cut this piece of peg off and see what happens. No, you're not.

Listen to me. I'm not listening to you anymore!

Shut him up, didn't he?

He's not going to make it.

That's you fucked. That's fucking mum. That's right, Tackett. And you're next

do it. Shut it. One wrong word out of you.

What a pain in the arse.

We're coming.

What are you doing now, man?

I, uh... I just dropped my signings.

Yeah, well... Evening.

Evening, Gov.

Great thing.

We've, um... What?

What have you done?

We found what that key's for.

A place called Rocket Rogers.

Restaurant?

No, club.

Yeah, sort of. A gym.

Oh.

Train boxers, do they?

Nah.

It's, uh...

No!

That's Jimmy Silver for you.

Old Jimmy Silver, eh?

Always taking a piss.

Yeah. They had to have a laugh, didn't they? Yeah.

It's the last laugh that counts, though, eh, Freedbeet?

Yeah.

Well said.

He's in a critical condition.

They can't believe you made it for another night.

It's terrible. It's a shame.

It is. It's very bad news.

That ain't the, uh... really bad news.

You what? What else has happened?

It's Barbie.

She took it personal.

She, uh... She thinks you was in on the hit.

On Miami.

That doesn't make any sense.

I was working for him. I know, I know. But she's made her mind up and she ain't

dropping the charges.

She's got to.

Lee, Lee.

I'm working on it, all right?

And in the meantime, I'll come back and I'll visit you.

When I get back, call Terry.

Don't get me wrong, I felt sorry for the lads.

It took me hours to get their sad faces out of my mind.

But me holiday was a blinder.

Really cheered me up.

And when I got back, Lee's mum had sorted it all out.

Well, she's in their dresser, you see.

So Barbie dropped the charges in return for a year's free rinse, set and root

treatment.

Miami?

He weren't too pleased, I can tell you.

Apart from looking like an Egyptian mummy for a month, his reputation had

damaged.

And that was something that wouldn't heal.

God help anyone who stepped on his burnt toes.