Original subtitles

No.

That's it.

Please, Spaghetti, I won't sell no more gear.

I'll disappear, won't I? You won't hear nothing from me ever again.

Do it careful, Tom.

It's all right, boss.

I've got a CSE in woodwork.

See, the thing is, Bill, this filthy business is my filthy business.

Now, you was warned.

But you took no notice.

Now, your only hope is that I'm in a loving mood today.

But I'm not! I never am!

Tony?

But why? Why? Hold it.

Use the mallet.

We ain't got time to mop up.

The porn world is now under new management.

Night -night.

Right, let's do the business.

This is a lucrative little number.

£500 to turn up, stand around and get pissed.

Do you know why they call them shotgun weddings?

Because they can go off at any time.

Sometimes there's even an opportunity you own a bit on the side.

But there's usually an happy ending.

It's true.

Subtlety ain't our strong point.

But we get in the spirit of it.

and make sure it all goes off with a bang.

Well, hurry up, all right? I've got a fucking bus coming in half an hour.

Done?

Yeah, we had some fun with old Pocky. You were right about them jambalays.

You're not supposed to have fucking fun.

Come on.

Look, the only one left is this crap bloke, Iron Rick or something.

He ain't been seen.

I doubt if he's in the country.

He's in the country. I know it.

Oh, Rick, you don't sell your shit to no one else but me, all right?

Spaghetti.

A lot of guys want to make business with me.

Yeah? Well, next time you come over and blitz London, you're going to find there

ain't too many guys around to do business with.

Oh, come on. Why not let everybody have a piece of the cake?

It's cool.

I said don't give me that Euro hippie shit.

This is England, pal.

Winner takes all.

A blank tape is 50p a tape.

Before, yeah. But now we are having to stick up.

Right, Johan?

75.

Oh, yeah? How come? They're tripping expenses.

Don't take that pace.

No. We are the guys who are going here and there for everybody all the time.

It's not fair.

But that's your job.

Okay, 50p, but next time 75.

Everybody's taking us for liberties, man. Yeah, what is happening? Because

in a hurry here.

We? No.

We're not in a hurry.

Now it's time for a break and smoke out.

Smoke out?

Ain't you got anywhere else to go?

Sure. We're making a visit to Beeping Thumbs.

That's where we need to drop off some of our tapes. The hardcore shit. And

that's where Heinrich is hiding out.

Heinrich is main man.

He was teaching us how to sell all the gear.

German, yeah, but still a great guy.

Well, give us the tapes and you can get there and see your little bum, Chuck.

Yeah, but we are not liking this peeping Tom with the people they are calling

Debbie and Deep Throat.

They are liking strange things.

Well, we got 200 wedding videos to copy by tea time, so where's the blank tapes,

in the van?

You got him.

Grab that one here.

Right, let's get him down.

Oi, give us a hand.

Oi, Heinrich.

I told you not to talk to my wife.

She doesn't like you.

How can I help it?

You'll help it all right if you want to carry on hiding out here.

You guys.

Want to see the future of pornography?

Is that your suicide masturbation kit?

Internet, pussy!

You plug it in, you link it up to some chick at the other end.

And you can fuck pussy 10 ,000 miles away!

I'd like to see what I'm shaftin'. But the face is on the screen!

She's looking right at you while you give it to her.

I prefer the personal touch. What do you reckon, Debbie?

They sell?

Yeah. How many do you want?

We'll take this one.

24 -hour trial.

Free. Okay, this is a prototype.

We're your favourite customers. You told us so.

And from what I hear, you're running out of other customers.

Live ones, I mean.

Okay. But I can hide here until the deal is done.

Don't look at me.

Just don't jump on her again when she's on the coffee.

Or she'll break your neck.

One, two, three.

And one, two.

Hold it, Stuart.

Hold it.

What are those?

They're not double Ds, are they?

I asked for melons.

Not fried eggs.

Where's the other bird? She got big ones?

For fuck's sake, Stuart, they're supposed to have a food fight at the

icing sugar and chocolate sauce.

Sausages.

Sausages? Is this your idea of sexy? Because if it is, I pity your poor

It's not the sign.

Looks very professional.

Looks professional?

Moody.

Well, come on, get them to do something.

Shake them up.

Go. And one, two, three.

And one, two, three.

And one.

You, uh, who's stripping tonight?

Miami's got me on a double shift.

Miami, right.

Now, didn't he used to be a major face?

He ain't finished yet.

Oh, yes, he is. He just don't know it.

He never had no vision.

Hey, what you still doing here?

Is Ian Rick from Arnberg hiding in my TV studio?

Go out and find him!

All right, come on, from the top, girls.

I told you to put labels on the ones you've done.

That's what I told you to do.

Listen, girls, girls, it doesn't matter who told who, what, when, the fact is,

we've got to go through them all and check them again.

There, he's done it again.

I'm telling you, that vicar keeps winking at the groom.

Is that important?

Well, I wouldn't have him for my wedding.

Take the tape out. We've got to check these.

See what's blank and what's dubbed.

You didn't label them?

Amateurs.

Oh, you idiot.

What the fuck's going on?

Maybe there is a problem with the machine.

I know.

I think we've got a problem.

Nasty problem.

Oh, hey, no, no nasty problem, guys.

Those guys from the pub must be mixing tapes.

What guys?

The guys from the pub? They are taking wrong tapes out of Beck of Fane. They

so stupid, Beth, that... Well, we'd better get them tapes back, cos I've got

couple of hundred desperate perverts itching to cop off on them.

Hey, hey.

Now we can all go and party, huh?

Guys?

Debbie, because this pocket is full of the sniffing snow and I'm one generous

son of a bitch.

Oi, you, shut up. Yeah, shut the fuck up.

These English, they can't let their hair down.

The only reason I don't strap up and ride you like a donkey is because you

us the high tech from Hamburg.

But I'm beginning to think it's not worth the grief.

I agree.

No more verbals.

You'd better get on the blower. To those vats of yours.

We'll have them taped tonight.

Hello, the lock.

What do you want?

Those tapes.

We dubbed them all, yeah?

Yeah, of course.

Why?

Right.

Shit.

This is a private session.

I'm looking for someone.

You're looking for Heinrich from Hamburg.

Spaghetti wants him dead.

Every fucker knows that.

I'm going to find him, Deepfrog.

Better get out there looking, then.

You walk through this shop again, and I'll open you up like a can of sardines.

Next time I come in this shop, it'll be a fucking newsagent. Your days are

numbered.

Now then, Heinrich, say thank you, Debbie.

God, God, God!

Remember, an idle case, squeaky clean.

Thank you, Free Fee.

But I do hate it when people tell me what I should and shouldn't do, you

Right, God.

Especially when it comes to money.

Accounts always think they know best.

Nobody goes on holiday to Monty on a budget.

And if I'm going to start up a dog track in Hong Kong, it's not cash I need.

You're listening.

It's collateral.

Johnny Chinaman needs to see that I've got what it takes.

I've got to show him an empire.

Finished for Mr. Christie?

Yeah.

Sean! Do him over.

Medium rare.

You

must

be Deepthroat.

I'm Jamie.

This is Bacon.

This is Moon.

Lee. Remember them names, Debbie, when you ordered their gravestones?

Put the tapes on the counter.

The thing is, is we didn't know what was on them.

So?

So we've copied over them. By accident?

All 200 tapes?

Yeah.

Well, you owe us six fucking grand, then.

Plus compensation for damage to our reputation.

And they can look after this wanker as well.

I promised Hamburg we'd keep him safe.

Deep throat, darling.

He's safer with them than he is with me.

I'm going to do him some real damage before long.

He's an arsehole.

But we're going to make serious money out of him. So keep him wellied till the

deal's done.

You told me I was doing the late shift as well.

Oh, did I?

Yeah, you did.

And you told Tanya she'd grab my Jaffa cakes.

Oh, listen, love.

It ain't as if your name was written on them, is it? When's Maura coming back?

I don't know.

Oi, Candice.

Give her a break, or I'll give you one.

No disrespect to you, Miami.

I just don't like me time being wasted.

Barbie.

Straighten them out.

I want a top show tonight.

This fucking Chinese geezer's got a lot to say, sir.

Word, go.

You know Bill Bishop?

Remind me.

You shot him in the arse back in the 80s.

Oh, yeah. He's still in business, is he? Seems like he was.

They just fished him out, though.

Lee Valley Reservoir this morning.

Every bone in his body broken.

That'll be Tony the Pacemaker.

Spaghetti's boy.

Yeah, burying everyone.

Yeah.

I think we should have a quiet word with spaghetti.

No.

She's a waste of time.

That crack could be anywhere.

He's going to have a cup of tea.

Well,

we can't pay deep for it off.

How about we get enough together to buy him some more tapes?

Take the place of the ones we copied over.

He's a piss.

Let's go out then.

As soon as I'm a gambler at heart, I'm going to give you a chance to win back

your state.

All right?

Cool.

If you lose, I walk away with a grand and a half.

Hang about.

Hang about!

So, uh... Grand and a half?

Yes, Ethel. Good day.

No one's buying.

Can't even flog me dole cards.

I thought of something.

Look.

We make our own.

You are joking.

Oh, it's not difficult.

This handheld home video, look. It's all the rage.

It's more real.

Sounds good.

Erm... Who are we going to film?

I'll give Laura a bell.

Moon, what about Tanya?

You'd have to pay her.

We'll start with Laura.

We've used the stud.

Yeah, secretly.

Excuse me.

I'd rather go and borrow the cash off the great white loan shark than offer me

balls of security.

Go on, then.

Yeah.

No more noise.

And no arse shots.

What do you mean, no arse shots? We've got to see arses going up and down,

haven't we? Yeah, we've got to have that, mate. Yeah.

We're just knocking bollocks hanging down, all right?

And push her away for the money shot, all right?

It's all for you.

You're fucking worth it.

I'll let him have the day off.

You want some bubbly?

Sure.

Well, you said you had some sort of job.

I'll tell you about it later.

Bit draughty in here, mate. Where's your bedroom?

It's too small, the bed.

For what?

Do you mind if I wear a bit of a mask?

We're not kinky enough now, are we?

Yeah.

Are you up there?

No.

I don't feel like a big tight mistress, huh?

Cut! Cut!

Yo,

that's it in the house.

Oh, crazy.

You can't rock.

We can join in, right? Get that!

You bloody ask permission.

I think you're not needing our videos anymore, eh?

There's going to be a slight delay, but it's going to be worth it.

All spring chickens, mate.

You won't be disappointed.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But... Yeah.

Yeah, I know we promised.

I'm not known for breaking promises.

But I have been known to break a few legs.

So don't say anything you'll regret.

Hello.

Yeah, it is.

Don't panic.

They'll get here.

Don't you threaten me, pal.

You're like a right bunch of monkeys.

Those lads better come up with the good.

What, Bobby?

Morris to the way? Yeah, love. Yeah? How you getting on?

Well, it's not what I thought.

Um, people keep asking me to do things.

Yeah, I know. It's awful when that happens, isn't it? Yeah.

I think this ain't going to work. I can't see where you're going.

No. Just remember to get them big close -ups. How am I going to do that without

sticking my head in the bag?

Just get a plane.

Just a black -up.

I'm going to get the drinks in, all right?

Look.

Oh, my God.

It's all right.

Here. The seal's broken on this.

Do you know what? I reckon they're filling him up with tap water.

Tight bastard.

The Chinese have arrived.

What do they look like?

Mugs.

Good.

Where do you leave them? In the amusements.

Right.

I'll take them over the track and then back to the roots.

You want to drive them past Buckingham Palace and all that?

Yeah.

Might as well.

It was a work one.

Make a look this way.

You were called.

Yes.

Here we are, girl.

Steady on, big spender.

Break it for your bank.

I think the tape's run out. I just heard a click. What?

Tanya, I can explain.

Just get off the stage, your camera's lost.

We want a cut, 50 -50. 50 -50?

That's a bit harsh, isn't it? You're right.

Well, just tell Miami what you was up to. Look, don't be like that, Tanya, all

right? You brought business into it. What's your best offer?

Do 100 notes now, and a percentage of the sales.

I can't say fairer.

100 each now, plus 30%. Done.

And a copy of the tape.

Lee, pay the girl.

You know, I quite like this end bit where you see me face.

You what?

Jamie, this is bloody awful.

Do you really think that Debbie and Deepthroat are going to settle for this

shit? You don't get it, do you?

It's great.

Look, it's Lapland.

Don't you like that one?

Mum, you've got to go to Sweet Talk Tanya to do one of her special shows.

Maybe with Laura.

There's a bowl.

Try it once.

Or we could hire a couple of hookers to do some mental stuff with the Dutchies.

Speak of the devil.

We should give the boys a key.

Do you really think this tape is shit?

Yes.

Heard you've been filming in Lapland.

Well, we thought that, um, that Miami, Mr. Vice, what we thought

was that... Tell him, lads.

Lads?

I don't mean this.

All right.

I'm here to collect a tape for Candice.

Oh, the tape.

Yeah, yeah, fine, here.

Nice little buzzer you've got.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Get out of here, you chicken shit.

Hell of the talking.

Last night, what time we were coming back?

Oh, my muscles ache.

Maybe I was screwing with some sexy babe.

No. You danced in a funny way.

Oh.

This guy Spaghetti.

Last time I was over here, he tried to make me an offer.

Had me in the back of his car.

Told me to take all the business just to him, nobody else.

I said, man, this is bullshit.

You just get out of my face right now.

I believe in two things, free love and free trade.

Then I got out of that car and slammed the door in his fucking face.

But don't worry, he ain't gonna look for me here.

Cheers.

What do you think?

We'll try to give it that kind of amateur vibe. Yeah, we wanted something

gritty. Raw.

Yeah.

Six grand.

You're not into that kind of movie, then?

I could cream off quicker to aerobics on style.

We can redo them.

That's fine.

Yeah. Put in a bit more... sex.

Yeah, we'll try something different.

Would you mind stepping this way?

We'd rather stay here.

Just be good boys and step into the back fucking room.

Be a dear and unlock this door, will you?

Right, lads.

Looks like we've got a bit of trouble on our hands.

Oh, shit.

Right, come on.

In you go.

Snuff movie time.

Fuck that.

What the fuck you want?

Right. Yeah.

What about?

So, punk.

You got to asking yourself the one question.

Do you feeling lucky?

Huh?

You talking to me?

Are you talking to me, huh?

Is

this

what you want?

Is this what you want?

What the fuck has happened here?

It's Heinrich.

We can see that.

Heinrich is dead.

No shit, Sherlock.

He was best buddy of us. And he blew his brains out.

No, he was blowing his own brains out with his gun. It was an accident.

I hate guns.

We were making joke with the gun.

Great.

What now?

We must give to Heinrich all the right ceremony.

We'll have to put him in a cellar for now.

Grab his arms.

This will really please Debbie in Deepthroat.

Watch

this

move. That's an odd one.

Only me and Tanya can do it.

Who was that bird on before?

A man doing a spanking? I don't know.

Candy? I don't fucking know.

Tanya's boyfriend's cousin, Laura?

No, Laura.

Laura?

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to hire all you girls from Lappland and I'm going to put this tape

on South TV tonight.

That'll piss Miami Vice off good and proper.

Flu bug going round.

But you get the same with your staff, you know.

Lots of girls sharing the same teacups and stuff.

Excuse me.

Are you a fan?

Sort of. Do you mean a bit?

Better see for yourself.

Gentlemen, would you excuse me?

Right. That lightweight spaghetti thinks he can take me on.

I'm up for it.

What about the chinks?

Well, take them somewhere else. Butter them up a bit.

Well, we could try the 10 at a time club.

It's a bit rough.

Well, they're not classy guys, Garth.

That's four hours.

Don't they ever go to the pub?

We know you're in there.

I've got an idea.

Open up!

We're playing spaghetti for I'm Rick's little accident.

You can walk back to six grand.

Open the door!

I haven't worked that out yet.

Larry, help, will you?

That's it.

We're gone.

I don't know, Ben.

Miami, gents.

We'd like a quiet word with you, boys.

We're all ears.

You like making me look like a cook, eh?

You must be sure of a few rooms upstairs.

I had a few Far Eastern business associates round last night. I promised

drinks on the house and a good show.

And what did they get?

Dwarves. Cloaked.

I had you down as a bit of a prospect, lad, but you've let me down.

What is it? You think Spaghetti Eddie's going to knock me off my perch?

We'll take care of it.

Sort it out. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do, then? Take Spaghetti out

me?

Well... Um... Lots for words, are we?

I know what you're trying to say.

You want to give me something special, don't you?

Like a TV station.

Yeah, source TV.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Good boy.

We'll be round there at noon tomorrow, and if you're not there to open the

I'm going to cut your bollocks off and wear them as earrings.

That's very fair.

Yeah, Three Feet knows me very well.

Got a side for entrepreneurs.

Coming up with those lovely girls from Lapland.

Tell you what, I share the dressing room with them. They've got big bodies.

Of course, I had one of them on my knee this morning and I nearly... What am I

saying? That's just a fantasy.

I just got an email here from Matt in Cornwall.

They'll never go back to Lapland.

My plans never fail.

We'll come up with some blag to get the girls out of Spaghetti's, then we'll

lock them up for the night.

Simple. Yeah, it's one of them shows where they rescue pets and birds with

broken wings and that. Yeah, and they need a couple of girls to present it.

Make it a bit more, um, sexy.

And how come they're doing their auditions in your poppy little pub?

No, it's not our place. It's at the Nine Bars.

Yeah, I mean, we've got all the connections there in the business.

We know all the editors, producers.

Yeah, it'll be easy for us to slip you in on the list.

And you want to do this out of the goodness of your heart?

No, if you look good.

Makes us look good. Yeah.

They'll say, who are these girls?

They've got looks, they've got talent.

What genius has discovered them? Don't give me compliments, Jamie.

It's free food and all. Free food?

Who do you think I am? See?

What do I say, lads?

They're going to love this lot.

They're ballsy and they've got talent.

Meets at the nine bars at eight.

Dress for kill.

Free food?

Well, they've got sandwiches and things like that. You almost blew it.

They will need food.

They're going to be in there all night.

Life is game, mind me.

Crazy, crazy game.

I hope there is a thousand angels making queue for sitting on your face, Ivory.

Tanya's going to do her nuts.

Just tell her it was my idea.

Oh, because then she'll understand.

This planner just better work.

We're the first.

Yeah, well, there's been a few in already.

Yeah, it's looking good.

I mean, all the other girls that have been here, they're nice and all that,

they haven't got that something special.

You know, that spark.

Where is everybody?

They're through the back.

Wait a minute.

This is bullshit.

Oi! Move, you wanker! Oi!

You're in big trouble if you don't open this door now!

Move! Come back here!

Right slag, you know that, Laura?

Mm, yeah.

You know that shoot with the masked man on the video?

You know what I heard?

No. These three German blokes turned up and they all had an orgy, so they say.

You what?

Yeah, all of them. Pile up, it was.

And this German fella, did he have a mullet?

Yeah, probably.

Hello, Tone.

Listen, I want you to get down to that pub.

What's the name of the pub? The Lock.

The Lock.

Yeah. Our crap would have snapped.

He might just be there.

Right.

You got that?

And cut.

Okay,

so, now we buried a Heinrich, huh?

Not before you take that tape over to Peeping Tom's.

And leave him here.

First we take care of business.

It's what Heinrich would have wanted.

Okay. Okay.

Right, repeat.

Bring the car around.

So, you posted through the letterbox and rang the bell.

There was no letterbox. We left it on the step. You left it on the step?

We put the video on the step and ran away. The owner is finding, I think. You

think? Look, all we're... Listen! You up and me are having fucking big trauma

over the death of Heinrich, and now we bury, OK?

OK. All right, lads.

And where would you be going with that dead arm?

Same fate awaits you.

Death to all those who dare to compete with Spaghetti Eddie.

We're coming for you next, Deep Throat.

Debbie, you're next. If you don't bring round the deeds to your place by noon.

Fucking Spaghetti Bollock, mate.

Fuck did he forget?

We're gonna make a day of it, girl.

in four, three... Next up is animal lust on man's best friend.

Do they mean animals having it away or humans showing their animal passions?

Find out after this little break.

Cheers.

OK, we've cut. Thank you, studio.

Where's those girls?

Stuart!

Who's that fucking dog and buck?

Tony, yeah.

Good work.

Why don't you bring in the body here?

Yeah.

Hang on.

We've got your girls, and we're coming for your fucking studio.

I know.

Fucking deep throat.

Tony, get back here, mate, pronto.

We're expecting company.

Nah, nah, the nasty kind.

Right.

Please. They're going to kill us in a horrible way.

Yeah, don't worry, lads. We'll sort you out.

I'm going to nail him to the ceiling. Buy his ball bag.

Come on!

Nice one.

Right, lads, this can't get taller.

This latest acquisition was a right touch. I got it for next to nothing.

Well, go on, translate.

What could my son ye hope hang?

Exactly.

Thanks.

Good night, everyone.

Come on.

No!

Ah! Ah! Fuck me!

That's the devil, not Christ!

No, it's my glycerin, love.

One thing, Jimmy.

You can blow us to fucking... Ah!

Watch out!

They'll take care of each other, I'm telling you.

We stand by the door when Miami arrives, we say.

Here you go, Mr. Vice.

Here's your TV station.

Would you like us to go and get your girls?

What? Mr. Vice! Mr.

Vice, please!

Please, go!

We're here! Don't help!

Save us! Help us!

We should have come prepared.

Good job I brought Heinrich's piece.

Pull it!

Not like that!

Softer!

telling me what to do.

I have to get out of here. Heinrich is beginning to smell.

Don't talk about Heinrich like that.

I'm free.

Remember, boys, as soon as we hear the doors.

Stop waving that thing around.

It's not a fucking milkshake.

We have no right to still be alive.

Well, there's nothing about.

Of course, we'll be making all our own programmes in here.

Won't have to buy anything in.

Three

feet.

Why don't you take him to the canteen?

Very popular with all the crew.

Yeah, damn it.

Well done, lads.

Where's the girls?

Go and pick them up for you.

Good.

I shall have to get you lads to do a bit more work for me, won't I?

Carry on.

Do you reckon the Dutchies made it?

I want to report two men doing something unspeakable in the churchyard.

Well, they're grave robbers.

What?

Keep coming up with such brilliant ideas.

Jamie, we were supposed to walk in here without any bother. We nearly got blown

to shit.

We should be dead.

Don't worry, Lou. You will be.

Fucking hell.