All language subtitles for lock_stock_s01e03_and_a_fistful_of_jack_and_jills

Looks like an earthquake to me.

You know, one of them localised ones,
yeah. I mean, they're pretty rare, but

this shows they do happen.

There was no earthquake on that.

Bloody hell, I mean, look at that, lads.
Eh, eh? Now that is shocking, innit?

See? I knew we should have used our own
voice, didn't I say that? Should never

leave something like that to a bunch of
bloody foreign scum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So...

You want me to send one of these two out
there? You know, to track down the

cowboys that tried to save on the
concrete?

No need.

They are saving concrete underneath a
new casino in Malaga.

Quite right.

So it's a rebuilding job you're about,
isn't it?

You're not going anywhere near a new
casino.

We want compensation.

Your company is responsible.

One million by the end of the week,
or...

I will gut you up like a

fucking pig.

You keep barfing, didn't I?

Thought you wanted us to go round and
give them a doing.

Are you taking a piss?

I can't start a war with that little
firm, can I? They've got an army backing

them up.

I knew them cans were too rusty. I told
them to use new ones.

Hey, are there any lads in here?

Any lads wanting to have a time of life?

Who's he?

This is Jaap, brother of me.

I think maybe you are knowing the name
DJ Wiz of Amsterdam, yeah?

Famous DJ of Eurotechno and Speed
Garage.

MTV are voting me the number one DJ of
any lads country.

What happened to you, mate?

Jodie, Jodie is staying in Hook of
Holland for resting mine.

Poor guy.

I'm always blaming myself.

So, what have you got for us?

Nah, we don't want it.

Okay, you're not drinking this cup of
tea? We have another kind of pill.

Completely different kind of one.

This you are loving, and you can sell it
so easy.

You made them?

In your lab?

Yeah, for this pill, we are putting in
something special, extra. We are mixing

in the powder that bodybuilders are
eating for building muscle.

They work, though, right?

Me? I take it I'm having so amazing hard
time. Yeah, all right, that'll do.

They might sell.

All right, we'll take some of your Jack
and Jill's.

Ah, you are talking the cockney rhyming
slag, yeah?

These guys!

No. You listen to me, you dopey Swiss
bastard.

That car wants to be in London tomorrow,
otherwise you'll be counting notes with

your fucking toes.

Thank you.

Saffy, how are you?

Not bad. I've had a few things going on
with various beings. Never mind all

that.

The auction?

Starts at 11.

You go there, Taffy, keep away from the
booze.

You just buy the old jam jar and drive
it away.

Got it?

Lot number 13.

Piece of cake.

Taffy, this car's coming all the way
from Switzerland for a reason, mate.

Now, it might look like an old bang at
the U, but it's worth a fuck of a lot of

money to me.

I'm counting on that car to get me out
of a very nasty financial mess.

Do I get a cut?

Yeah, just above your Adams.

Now piss off.

And now it's time for asking favour.

Business favour.

Business favour?

No such thing, boys.

There's got to be something in it for
us.

Yeah, yeah. We just need some help with
the Gaddafi brothers.

Yeah, they are giving to us to bother.

What do they do to you?

We don't want to talk about that.

What do you want us to do?

Dropping these bills off the factory and
collecting payment.

How's it worth our while?

For you, we throw in another 20 for a
lady. To do with the Gaddafis?

That's peanuts.

And 5 % also.

5 %? You mean 10, don't you?

Danger money.

OK, OK, 10%. You boys came to the right
place.

Let's do some business there.

They still have us, don't they? For
those Moody Lacoste that fell apart.

Yeah, best we don't mention that. Just
in case the Khalifa suffers medication.

All right, now tell him what happened.

You selfish little bastard.

You want to go to school and play
football instead of earning money for

granny?

Now you finish them Chanel's, or I'll
have you in the skinning shed with your

sister. All right!

Oh, well, fuck a duck.

Ain't seen your ugly mugs around here
lately.

You haven't been hiding, have you?

We've got delivery for you.

Oh, sweet.

Who are you running errands for?

We've got happy pills from the Dutchman.

Oh. Are they delivering it themselves?

They're of a nervous disposition.

Oh, yeah? You're not? No.

Come on, then.

Five. Large.

We ain't here to piss about.

Four and a half.

Done. My mitts.

Sort them out.

How sweet is this?

I can't believe it.

Those two fraggles from Holland actually
come up with the goods.

Who'd have thought there was a fortune
in limp dicks?

Tap, tap, boys.

Leaving the gaff unlocked.

You must be open then.

Good.

Large stop for me.

Get the world in, boys.

I could do with a bit of peace and
quiet, though.

Well, all right.

Hello?

Yeah, one minute.

It's for you.

Who is it?

Mrs Armless.

He's not here, I'm afraid.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Bye.

She said you're a stinking liar.

She's got the hump, hasn't she?

Remember that casino I was telling you
about?

Oh, yeah?

Fell down.

Now I've got that bunch of ponchos on me
arsenal.

They're friends of us?

No.

It's the money that bothers her, isn't
it?

It's going to set you out a bit, is it?

Don't worry about that, son. I can cover
that.

The trouble is with these Swiss bank
accounts, you can't get your wonga back

over here.

I keep telling her I've got a car
coming. You know, that'll sort it right

man. A car?

I think I've got something that might
cheer Mrs Armless up.

Oh, you do?

Since when have you lot been pushing
pick -me -ups in?

They ain't pick -me -ups.

They're more pick -me -ups. Push me
against the wall and give it to me like

used to.

Manhood. Bottled.

Now, that is exactly what I need.

I want 100 of them.

By tonight.

Not for me.

For Sylvia's... knocking shop.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah.

Got a coachload of Japanese coming over
tonight.

Normally, they sort of blow their
cookies in the first half a minute, you

Then they don't pay for the full hour.

That little lot.

That'll keep them up running bills like
bog rolls.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come
to something really special.

Lot number 13 in your brochure, an
Armstrong Siddeley.

Something worth having. It's a prize.

We'll start the bidding at 2 ,000.

Do I hear any advancements? 3 ,000 over
there.

We have another one over here, 4 ,000.
Do I hear any advancements on 4 ,000?

A wonderful car, only one owner.

4 ,000 over there.

5 ,000, sir. 5 ,000, thank you.

Any advancement? Remember, one owner,
one owner only, and it's only done 30

miles.

Wonderful.

Ladies, gentlemen, over there, 7 ,000.

To be honest with you, Barbie, if you're
looking for something to do a job, what

you want is a bendy dildo at 12 .99.

You ever been to one of these dudes?

They're for women.

Look, go over there, we sell them the
pills.

Easy. This will be a right result.

Hello.

What can I do for you, boy?

Um, actually, we've got some merchandise
for you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, don't you stand there. Give us
your spiel.

Have a look at these.

Get your old man to pop one of these,
and you will have no complaints out of

him.

They work.

Do they work?

Ladies, think of a rocket taking off.

And how do you two know?

What? You taking them?

Nah, of course not.

Nothing in this room gets sold without a
demonstration.

Moon, you know Aunt Tanya quite well,
don't you?

What? Down one of these and take Tanya
round the back.

She can tell us if there's anything
extra.

Yeah, all right.

Sure.

I can see why you wanted to go.

What the fuck is that, Taffy?

It's your car.

No,

Taffy, that ain't my car.

My car is big, grey and British.

This is red, rusty and Italian.

That was it. Not 30.

I'm sure it was not 30, Taffy.

But I didn't want not 30, did I, Taffy?

I wanted not 13, you dozy cunt.

For a teenager.

For a fucking teen.

Deaf as well as dumb.

I'll make it up to you. Yes, but I'm
sure you're very sorry, Taffy.

But sorry ain't no fucking good to me,
is it?

Get on a bluff, find out who's bought my
car.

Yeah, I've never been a nine -to -five
geezer, you know.

I'm too... I'm too free.

See?

I'm like an eagle.

A bit.

How long's it been?

This is long, even for him.

I told you they worked.

Ha -ha!

That was a right touch.

Moira was well impressed. Yeah, well,
slow down. I'm a bit stiff.

Oh, easy, mate. We don't end up like old
Yordy, do we?

No chance of that.

Well, hang on, hang on. How did you come
on from... Go on, Lily.

One day, I'll teach you all I know.

Come with me.

What's your name, then?

You didn't bring any dosh with you, did
you? No. Me neither.

Is that your natural colour here?

Yeah. Looks nice.

Smooth bit of work there, mate.

Hello, boy.

Look at that. Oh, you're looking very
well today, Jamie.

Thank you very much, Mrs... Sylvia.

Sylvia. You know, if only I was, uh,
ooh, ten years

younger. Hmm?

Hmm?

So, you've got a magic pill, then?

Do you yourself strength these little
beauties?

Larry! Excuse us.

Mr. Homeless.

I told you not to conduct your business
from this building.

How am I supposed to keep up our
respectable image, huh?

This is a brothel, not a... Sorry,
ladies.

We'll be out of your energy, darling.

And Mark Barr.

Yeah? Don't be any claro to my limo this
time, please.

Well, you're home, Mrs. Homeless. Yeah.

It's a pain.

Of course, there are very important
clients in there. And you're paying for

them. Right, we're going to shoot.

No, no, no.

Why don't you stay?

Who's down there?

Hey, thanks for the hospitality.

So what?

Uh, everything going according to plan?

Oh, yeah.

All sorted.

Wheels are in motion.

Right choice of grave digger.

Perfect place for it, too.

Yeah? I always thought the postman would
be more fitting.

Oh, no.

They suffer lots with a grave digger.

They can last for hours. They've got
time to think.

Mr. Armlet!

Mr. Armlet!

Mr.

Armlet!

Mr. Armlet!

Mr. Armlet! Mr.

Armlet! Mr.

Armlet! Mr.

Armlet!

Said he used to use it to chase debs.

Yeah, remember she was. Yeah, right -o,
doorframe. Which duke?

Oh, um... Duke of Pusey.

Yeah.

Can't we get old Sharpie on the case?

He's on the out, ain't he?

Just done a two -stretch guard, and he's
looking for a bit of work.

Yeah.

Yacky -dark, Taffy.

She's very kind of you, Mr. Armler.

Don't you worry about that, Sharpie.

You get my motor back, my son, and I'll
make sure all the top legs start coming

your way.

Extra tank power?

After two years inside, it'd be a
miracle if I can last ten minutes.

Don't keep her waiting, boy. She's in
there.

Go on, son.

I want him out in an hour.

Don't worry. If he's not, I'll send
Maxine in with him. She'll finish him

like that.

For God's sake, how many did he have?
One.

One?

Right.

Look, maybe you was a bit too active, if
you know what I mean.

I mean, old Giza can only take so much
excitement.

Must have been his heart, right? It's
got nothing to do with my pills.

Look, you're still an attractive woman,
you know?

I sold them all.

Asking price.

Yeah, done.

Mate, that one bottle there has just
gone for a grand.

A grand?

Where? The pleasure zone.

They said they got an emergency.

They're only sending a cab.

Cab?

Bacon. Yeah?

This has gone mental, hasn't it? It's
been a couple more weeks of this.

And we can forget about selling them
snidey fags and pulling pints. I know, I

know. I mean, this is the one we've been
waiting for.

Meeting. Boardroom. Twelve o 'clock.

Listen, the smart thing to do is invest
in the stock market. I'm telling you. No

chance. I mean, you never know what's
happening to your money.

And the only ones who make proper money
do it on tip -offs.

So what's your big idea, then?

We do up this gaff, we sell it, and we
move to Spain.

What for?

Look, it won't be long before the heavy
moth starts to smell the amount of money

we're pulling in here.

Then I'll be straight round it, and I'll
tell you what, it won't even be worth

arguing. Yeah.

No, see, we could speak to Harmless.

I mean, he's got contacts out there,
hasn't he? Yeah.

Lots of dappers out there with
timeshows, eh?

Dying for a bit of a lick.

Yeah, that's it.

I'm a drama -ist.

Yeah, I know. Plenty we were just
talking about.

He's not pleased.

Normally, I wouldn't trust you clowns to
pick up my fucking laundry.

But right now, I've got a bit of a
problem, and I ain't got time to dick

Which is lucky for you, little lot.

Because now, see, you've got a chance to
make it up to me.

Oh, don't worry, Mr Armless. Shut up.

Now, I'd better see an Armstrong Sidley
on my doorstep bike tomorrow morning, or

you're all going to have to learn to
wank with the other end.

Dauphine, give him that Duke's address.

No problem, Mr Armus. Consider it done.

We're very, very sorry about Sharpie.

Mr Armus would like you to leave now.

Shit, this is bad.

Pad, you won't get my hands on them
fucking duchies.

Don't hurt them.

Oh, no.

Or they'll die quickly.

Don't be stupid.

We send them in for the motor.

Put their bollocks on the line for a
change.

Mind over matter.

Watch.

Ah, shit!

Then we go gypsy again.

Right. You are coming with us.

I am thinking maybe it's better if you
guys go for car, you know, and we

then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I am
feeling so sick here.

You got a note from your mum, have you?
No, no, really, I am having a pain in

the stomach here. You ain't getting away
with poisoning our clients while we

carry the can. You're going to redeem
yourselves.

Tell us again what you're going to do.

Okay, walking through barn and coming
back quickly and not making no noise,

yeah? I'm checking to see if the car's
there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fifty quid says they'll fuck up.

First boy with my little eye.

I think we lost it. Bat that bit me.

No, it's always you.

Oh, and Mummy's little favourite, my
perfect brother, never gets hurt.

Wait, there might be...

village with a lecture after all. Ain't
that fun?

Maybe a Borneo movie.

Maybe we'll see some hitchhikers, huh?
Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you? Me?

Yes, you.

You're pushing everything too far.

You should stop taking so many drugs,
especially our drugs.

I thought you'd change, but no, you're
still a total square.

I play mom for breastfeeding you until
you were three.

You're so square, you should wear a tie.

All right, I am losing my temper. Oh,
I'm scared. I think I'm going to do a

Johan, where are you?

Sweetie. Blimey. It's okay.

Do you want me to make you some hot
milk?

I want my car.

The money.

The money's in the car.

In the car?

Sewn into the fucking roof.

Larry! Oh, leave it out still.

Do us a favour, lovey.

Weren't that bad an idea?

Who gave you my name anyway?

Everybody is saying you're the number
one guy for printing money. Well, you're

in luck anyway. We just printed off a
new batch.

We've got this new geezer in. Now he's
had to beat the ultraviolet scan.

How much do you want?

Fill it.

What?

We're getting fake money from this guy.

Right. Swapping with real money and go
back quick quick in Hook of Holland.

Yeah. Why not now just piss off back to
Netherlands?

Yup. Yup. I know these guys.

These are kind of guy is cutting off
head and sticking up arse.

Serious fucking guys.

We do swap with fake money and make time
for disappear.

Yeah, yeah. See?

I'm going to make donation to Kamarama
Lodge. I'm going to buy a prostitute.

And keep.

And marry.

Maybe two prostitutes.

But... No, no, the one with the zero is
fake.

No, the circle represents oneness.

Eh? Truth.

The cross is a symbol of falsity and
conflict.

No, I made up a rhyme to help remember.

The real money is marked with a cross.

Johan is not my fucking boss.

Funny, Jo.

Are you sure that that's the real money?

I marked the picture.

Money, money, money.

Money, money.

It's so expensive.

If you sold that fucking motor, I'll
kill you.

No, no, the door was in the car and the
car is outside.

Must be about a million.

Um... He's not here.

He's picking up some money for some
Spanish blokes who he's giving the money

tonight.

to come to my hotel at six o 'clock and
he later and I'm going to cut his car

off and screw this whole thing because
I'm pooped.

The spic's gone?

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

Don't I blow? He's a bit... He's a bit
sick, isn't he?

They do get a bit emotional, that lot. A
bit too emotional.

Yeah. Right.

We'd better go and pick the car up.

What kept you?

Saw it.

You haven't seen how many looks I've
got. This is a bay's magnet, mate, I'm

telling you.

I might be able to keep it. Yeah, right.

Well, Armis only wants the cash inside
of it, doesn't he? Why don't you ask

Armis if you can let him keep it for
your birthday?

See? All through history, the circle
symbolised truth.

Yeah. And the cross symbolised all the
fucked -upness of life.

Like money.

Yeah, like money.

Cross symbolizes money.

It can.

So why have we got a bag with a circle
on it?

Yeah.

You take the real money.

The money is marked with a cross. Johan
is not my son.

Go

on,

my son.

Excellent. Hmm.

That'll keep you awake.

Will it, bollocks? I'm going to sleep
like a baby.

You're joking, aren't you? We'll get
that car back to Armless.

It's not exactly the most difficult bit,
is it? Look, I ain't going to relax

until I see Armless standing in front of
his car with that bag of money in his

hand with a big grin on his face saying,
Nice one, lads. You're off the hook.

Chill out, Jamie. After breakfast, we'll
get the bag of cash out the safe, stick

it in the motor, drive over to
Armless's.

Fuck off, Lee. You can't wind me up that
easy.

I know there's no way you'd have left
that bag in the back of that moat or any

old mug could just walk past and pick it
up.

Oh, my God!

Well?

Dead, all right.

What is going on?

There's a dead guy lying in our yards in
broad daylight.

A dead man who's got a lot of nasty
friends.

Well, whoever did harmless didn't know
about the cash.

Hang on.

That means we are seriously up on this
deal. We could disappear with that.

Wake up, lad.

If anybody sees this old fart peg down
our yard, we'll disappear.

For free.

Now we're going to get rid of him in
this stupid car.

What about that landfill site in
Romford?

He'll be in good company there, won't
he?

A nice one.

He's out.

Christ, how much does he weigh?

Wait a minute.

Let's see. Get the shoe. The shoe.

From now on, we'll keep the money with
us at all times.

Oi!

Leave your fat arse pal, I'm coming out!

Oh shit!

Hello, Eddie.

Listen, Johan, I'm sorry I've been such
a pain in the arse.

You're just all excited, eh? It's your
first business trip to England. Yeah,

I shouldn't argue.

Come on!

Oi!

Oi, come back! Come back!

Oi, come... Now, we weren't going to
kill you.

Oh, right.

In fact, the Caliph here still wants to
kill you.

You know, I'm being nice today.

So what were we supposed to have done?

You have made us look like fools.

You peddled us dodgy gear.

It weren't our kit, mate. You were
selling it. That was the Dutch's gear,

know that.

I do like your car.

No, no, no, mate. We take the car and we
call it quits.

I don't know.

It's a bit harsh.

It's a bit harsh?

It's a bit harsh, isn't it?

Callie.

Jesus.

Take the car.

All right.

Let me just get my bag out of your way.

No worries, mate.

I tell you, you boys, you don't know
just how lucky you've been today.

Yeah.

Well, that was lucky.

Lucky?

No one's going to come looking for us
when they've got Armless's car with

Armless's body in the boot. And
Armless's cash.

Yeah, what about the bloody cash, Jamie?

Some people are never happy.

Well, I'll be playing.

I love you, pray.

Jesus!

Jesus!

This is real?

No, it bloody ain't.

Now, what's going on?

Mars Bar, it's me.

Round all the boys up. Get them kitted
out.

Meet me at the back of the good daffy's
place.

Now, Mars Bar, now.

It is case of going a little crazy,
yeah? Yeah, yeah, they can do much to

and freak out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mush? Mush?

Yep, spring, it is mush. Get to the
point.

He's fake.

We know he's fake.

Where'd you get it?

This guy they are calling Funny Money is
selling to us the fake money, and we

are making exchange with the real money
for keeping and living the life of the

millionaires. Yeah, but we are putting
in car real money and keeping fake money

and forgetting and confusing. Do you
know what would have happened if we'd

given Arvinus a sack of fake notes?

We'd be dead.

I should deck the both of you.

You're so sorry. Stop snivelling. We
should nick the money.

What? The real money.

We should just go and get it back from
the Gaddafis.

I mean, we've got nothing to lose.

Except our lives. Hang about.

Moon's right.

We could pretend we're Armless's mob.

We get tooled up, steam in there, get
the money back off of them.

An easy life.

Here we come.

Nice.

Yo, man.

Keep the engine running and the doors
open at all times, right?

Dead right.

Don't use that word.

You boys keep your minds on the job,
right?

Are you sure this is going to go all
right?

No, not at all.

Fine.

Let's just do it then, yeah?

Yeah! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

My gun's got poor sight.

Put the guns down?

I say put the fucking guns down. Back
off, pal. We're working for Larry

Well, is that right, sunshine?

Oh, shit.

We thought we'd come here and back you
up.

You what?

Who the fuck are you?

It's us, isn't it, lads? We came here to
get your car back.

Oh, yeah? And shot anyone lately, have
we?

Right, you lads stay at the back and
take it easy, don't you, eh?

Because I don't want to get shot up the
arse with any of your friendly fire. All

right.

Now, follow me.

Oh, Caliph.

I told you not to mix tea and tequila.

You'll be seeing demons now.

Ready?

Ready.

Ready? Yeah.

Right.

Move. Take one more step and your brains
will be spraying the walls.

Let's go and take money and shopping
again.

Are you totally crazy? Yeah, it's crazy.

We live on the edge of life. Come on, we
only live once. We only live five

minutes if we go in there. Fine.

Yeah.

What are you grinning at?

Oh, you're making a big mistake.

Well, is that right? Did you hear that,
lads? We've made a mistake.

Oh, no, Gav. What are we going to do?

Well, we'd better say sorry, haven't we?

The Caliph isn't here.

Do you say something, son? The Caliph.

I thought he'd be around here somewhere.

Well, that's good news, isn't it? Ha!

Looks like the Caliph are too scared to
come out. Come on, lads, hurry up.

It was a shame.

That I'm indestructible. Choosing my
gun. You are so wrong.

It was a sign of the chaos and the
violence and the crazy head of us.

Al Capone, you are nothing.

Show him about the office.

Yeah.

Show him about the door frame.

Yeah, not to worry. Get the cash.

There's something wrong with my knees.

It's all right.

What's better than the best orgasm I
have ever had?

Multiply times a million. Times three
million.

Three million.

Dude.

It's fake.

It's fake, Johan. It's fake. What
happened? I am not care. You're not

real. It's real. It's fake. So what?

Today I nearly died. No, no.

Speed. Speed. I need spiritual guidance.

I need to get back to Kamarama Lodge and
meditate like fuck. I need to meditate,

but I just want to take the most speed.

It's finished.

Why?

Those

bloody

duchies.

Mr. Armless.

Can we have a lift?

Right,

you boys stay here

Now, perhaps you doubted me, but there
is, as they say, honour amongst

businessmen.

Mars bar.

You are taking the pig out of me!

Goodbye material world.

What are you doing?

Starting new life. You think this money
is fake?

All money is fake.

Come on.

I'll come and ask what you twat.

Yo.

No, no, this is, uh, yeah, Jordy is in
mental institution in Hooker Poland.

Yeah, Jordy, yeah, whatever, listen.

That money you got, it's real.

So just go around it.

Let's go.