Original subtitles

Thanks a lot.

Guess what?

I'm here in Chicago. I'm opening for Guns N' Roses.

Yeah, right on.

So I'm going to wear this.

You know, my manager said this is going to be a really good gig.

He says, I'm telling you, Guns N' Roses is your audience, Gary. He said they

sit, they listen, they enjoy.

It's going to be great.

Also, my audience throws up halfway during the show, too, so I think it's a

perfect match.

Anyway, I guess I got to get ready because I'm going on in just a while.

pretty equipped to work any audience, really. I know the Guns N' Roses thing

sounds a little tough, but I've worked a lot of hip audiences. I used to open

for Melissa Manchester, and one time we were working a theater in the round,

and, you know, the stage revolves, and then the stage broke, and they made the

audience run around in a circle.

happen tonight because it's not a theater in the round and if people start

running like that, they're going to hurt themselves.

Three minutes.

Hey, could you do me a favor? They're chanting. They're chanting out there,

N' Roses. I think they don't know that I'm coming on. Maybe they're a little

confused. You could talk to them.

Just break them out.

They're right.

I'm glad I mentioned something.

I'm sure he'll talk to them and work it out. I have my own fans out there.

They're chanting too. You just can't hear them because they're a little

They're going.

Gary Shannon.

They're mixed in. They're scattered in throughout there.

They're the people going like this.

Anyway, listen, sorry I can't be in Sherman Oaks to do my show tonight, but

you guys could do me a little favor, I'd really appreciate it. Phoebe, my wife,

she's... Got her brother, Chester, staying at the house. And, well, he's

this is his first time away from home.

And I know it sounds a little weird, but it's going to make a great show.

So if you guys could just keep an eye out on him because he's a little out of

his element.

Okay,

great. Hey, easy, easy, dude.

So are you that guy that swears a lot?

No, no, I don't swear.

Do you tell any dirty jokes? No, I don't tell any dirty jokes.

Oh, I do like to tell a few wry observations about relationships.

I talk about stuff that just pops into my head.

Hope you're wearing something bulletproof.

As a matter of fact, I am.

Ladies and gentlemen, please sit back and enjoy the wry observations of Mr.

Gary Shandling.

This Malathion Springs is a little too close for me.

Hey, thank you. No, really, I don't need any free stuff.

Hey, thanks a lot. Listen, welcome to the Guns N' Roses concert.

You know what they call me?

Puns N' Roses.

Hey, easy, easy, easy.

All right, all right. A lot of people, you know,

you know. Hey, nice jacket.

Don't you hate those people who wear sweaters tied around their shoulders?

I do.

It looks like they can't dress themselves.

I always wondered if they have their socks tied around their ankles.

Thank you.

Really. Really.

You'll have to stand the whole show.

You'll be standing. You'll be sorry about this.

Okay. Here you go.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I'm bored.

Bored, bored, bored.

Welcome to Yawn City.

Population me.

Hey, Chester. Look, this might be fun. This is Gary's old stuff.

Oh, what a cool McCool.

Yeah.

Gary was a drum major?

No. He tried all through high school and college, but he never made it, so his

parents gave him this stuff for graduation.

How do I look?

Cool McCool.

Oh, man.

Whoa. Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah.

Teacher hit me with the ruler.

The ruler broke in two.

So she hit me with the shoe.

Take it, Phoebe.

Where is he?

Where the hell is he? Hey, you can't swear in front of my sis like a drunken

sailor.

So march your big stupid butt out the door and this time not.

Easy, Chester. This is Gary's boss, Mr.

Stravely. This is my half -brother, Chester. Oh, man, Mr.

Stravely, your network's only my fave. Great, fine. I'm impressed. Thank you,

thank you. But this is supposed to be Gary Shandling's show. Where the hell is

Gary Shandling? Would you like to sit down? No, I would not like to sit down.

Okay. See, Gary's on tour with Guns N' Roses. He's on tour?

Well, he's only going to be gone for a month, that's the thing. A month? Yeah.

month? I know, it seems like a long time, but it was such a great

If this hadn't... Listen.

If this had not happened before, I might be inclined to understand this, okay?

But we gave him leave to do gypsy, all right?

And then there was that special maternity leave that fooled nobody.

Then there was that time he claimed he felt nothing from the waist down because

he ate, what was it, a bad banana?

I mean, come on.

Come on.

Oh, he appreciates. Yeah, he ought to appreciate it. If I was Gary, I'd start

every day with a big fat kiss on your butt.

Thank you, young man.

Yeah, thank you. You know, you're just the kind of visionary genius who would

put Bob Who on the air. Easy, Chester.

What? What's Bob Who?

It's my idea for TV show. I told it to Gary, but he thought it was stupid.

That's right, he did.

As if Gary would know what looks stupid on TV.

Yeah. Listen, Chester, Mr. Streeley's a really busy man. He's not going to want

to be bothered with this Bob Who. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. This Bob

Who idea intrigues me. Tell me more. Tell me more.

Well, the theme song tells the whole story, just like all great TV shows. You

know, Gilligan's Island and F Troop. Uh -huh. Don't forget the Beverly

Hillbillies. Oh, man, I did.

Well, don't let that influence you, really.

See, Bob Who is a story of two guys who live in the same apartment with the same

name. Uh -huh. Now, how did this happen, you ask?

Well, Bob Finkel needed a roommate. His rent was just too high.

He put an ad in the paper to find another guy.

A fellow came to Bob's place, and soon a friendship grew.

The next day, this guy moved in, but his name's Bob Finkel, too. Get it, Bob?

Hey,

there's a phone call for Bob.

I think we've heard enough. No, no, we haven't heard... Hey, we haven't heard

enough. Tell me the first episode. I'm glad you asked, Mr.

Stravely. Ha.

See, the story begins when this letter arrives for Bob. Uh -huh. But the

question is... Bob who?

Exactly. Yeah.

So they take the letter. Yeah. And they put it on the table. And they look at

it. And they look at it. That's great. And they look at it. I don't know more.

love it. You do? I love it. Yes, I do. I got a gut feeling about this. Now,

listen. I got to ask you an important question.

Who do you see playing the two bucks?

How about me and some guy who work real cheap? That's perfect.

Here's the most important question, okay?

Have you got a part for an actress? As you probably read, I recently married

Edie Adams. You did?

Ba -ba -ba -boom, Mr.

Stravely. Yeah, she'd be great on the show. She can play my nosy yet beautiful

landlady. That's it. Great, great. Let's kill her. All right. Wait, it's cold

out. I've got to get my chaps. Just a minute.

Mr. Stravely, are you sure about this? You know, I mean, Chester, he looks big,

but he's really just a little child. Yeah, yeah, so is Michael Jackson, and

sold 100 million records.

It's not exactly Michael Jackson. I mean, he's like, well, did you see Rain

Yeah.

I brought you a chapstick, too, Mr. Stravely. Mr. Stravely. Cherry or

pick your fave.

Cherry. Right, I knew it, I knew it. Chester, have you ever taken a ride in a

Porsche? Only in my dreams?

Oh, man.

Mr. Cravey, I'll have Gary call you, okay? Gary who?

Oh,

hi.

Everything's going great. We've been on tour for two weeks now.

And the audience has been sensational.

And you know what? They must know how committed I am to recycling. They're

doing... All their garbage up at me.

Really, and they've been nice enough to separate the canned from the spoiled

fruit. Oh, and you guys in St.

Louis, thanks for throwing that trash compactor up onto the stage.

That's going to come in real handy.

Pizza!

No olives, right there.

Hey, Roach? Yo.

Listen.

ordered a tuna salad on lettuce with some whole wheat toast and no butter and

and an iced tea did you order that no hey well great the pizza looks great

roach hey hey hey hey my show must be on who has the remote anyone

oh no okay i'll get it i'll get it excuse me excuse me sorry excuse me ow

is that metal on that heel

It's Gary Shandling's show will not be seen tonight, so we can bring you the

following special presentation.

Hey,

there's

a phone call.

for Bob. Bob, who? Bob, give up. It's fun. Oh, I give up.

It's a real kooky setup, so don't bother to get up from your TV chair.

Because they're Bob, who? What a crazy pair.

That's my brother -in -law.

Roberta. You mean another Bob?

Oh, man!

Wait a minute. Is it just me, or is this the stupidest thing you've ever seen?

Bill Harris in Hollywood. I have news

for you and a special guest. But first, a question. Have you looked up at the

skies lately?

Do they appear brighter?

Well, I am sitting with the reason, and his name is Chester Bass.

Chester, Chester. Bob Who is number one on the pop music charts, and your TV

show is number two in the ratings.

It is?

Absolutely. Wow.

I bet I'll get a better seat on the bus now.

What do you think of stuff like that? What do you mean? The kid really does

a bus to the studio.

Edie Adams, star of television since the Glamour Days and the Golden Age.

Are you telling me Chester takes a bus?

Yeah. Is that a big scoop for you, Bill?

Well, there's no more scoop than knowing you have a Tony Award to your credit

for Broadway and Little Abner. But still, shouldn't the studio be sending

Chester a limo? A limo? You mean they'd let me drive a limo?

Would I get one of those cool hats?

Not drive the limo, Chester. Ride in it. You have no idea who you... You're a

star. The studio will do anything you ask.

Really? Absolutely.

Wow.

What if I wanted a baseball mitt? They'll give it to you like that.

A jet ski? It's yours.

A giraffe?

Positively.

Oh, man!

Wow, the making of a star, 1990.

Sound familiar, Edie? What the hell are you talking about?

Who are you, anyway?

interviewing chester gary shandling just back from a disastrous guns and roses

tour you come home and your brother -in -law has a hit tv show where your show

used to be ouch it can't feel good gary hey gary i can get anything i want you

want a puppy or a massage i can get it i can get it oh this is a this is a dream

this is a bad bad dream did you get that bill Excuse me. Phil, do you think we

could wrap this thing up? Gary and I would really like to be alone.

Let's get out of here. I don't want to watch him kiss again.

Hey, Bill Harris, let's go to 7 -Eleven. I'll buy you the biggest lurpy TV star

money can buy.

We'll charge it to Mr.

Stravelin. Oh, right.

Edie Adams, Muriel Cigar, Lady of Legend. Are you coming with us?

Bill, you know everything.

You tell me.

Hey, Gary.

Joe Harris in Hollywood leaving your living room. We'll talk again.

How did this whole Who's Bob thing happen? It was unbelievable. He just

that stupid song for Mr. Stravely and he got a show.

Oh, no. That's the way I got my show.

You could hum that guy something and get a show.

told you that i told everybody that it wasn't going well with the wrong

sensibility all together you know i think i should have gone on after the

i would have done much better it kind of warms them up i'm telling you they

threw they threw they threw

rocks at me. They threw bottles at me. Oh, I hope you were wearing your

bulletproof. Oh, I was. Oh, I was. Thank goodness for that.

Otherwise, you know, I'd have been home a lot sooner.

And then I wake up one morning. I don't know what city it was in. They all start

to blend together after a while and I wake up and everyone's gone. Everything.

The truck's gone. The instruments. The guns. The roses. Gone.

I'm left laying in a hotel room.

Oh, honey. They fired me, honey.

They fired me. Guns and roses fired me. Oh, stop.

You guys missed me, didn't you?

You missed me that time.

Practice that.

Bob Finkel, please.

Bob Finkel.

You heard me.

Oh, that's not funny. This show's all one joke.

How come we can't do a talent show episode?

Look at him. Look at him, Mr. Stravely. He needs a nap. The boy's miserable. He

can't pull this off. I'm telling you. Chester can be temperamental. But

when the camera's rolling, you can be counting on him at least not to be

garbage in Columbus, Ohio.

Listen to me. I missed one show. I missed one show. Couldn't you have shown

rerun? Yeah, those shows weren't very good the first time, Gary.

Don't you think I know that, Mr.

Stravely?

Come on. Where does this leave me?

Gary, listen.

I like you, okay? I think you're funny. I hate when you do that to me. My wife,

Edie Adams, likes you. Everybody likes you. And when there's an opening in the

fall schedule, we'll slide you right in. Okay, Gary? In the fall? Scram.

Scram? I can't go through the whole summer wondering what I'm going to be

Mr. Stradley, please. Hi, Gary.

Kenny Tuckman. Sure. I play Bob number two. Oh, great. Sorry about your show.

Oh, me too, Bob. What? What? What?

Well, Mr. Stradley, Chester won't rehearse.

Now what? Well, we've got a bit of a situation on our hands. It's that M &M

thing. It just won't go away.

Didn't you tell him that they don't make blue M &Ms? Blue's his fave. It matches

the car you gave him. Do you want to tell him? Hey, hey, you can scrape that

off. You can scrape the cover of the M &Ms off and dye them any color you want.

That's what I did on the Guns N' Roses tour.

I saw you in concert.

Did you see how I felt? Yeah, is your eye better? Well, thank goodness. I'm

wearing the patch anymore.

Jerry, can you do that?

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, this doesn't work.

Oh, this doesn't work.

Oh, pew, what's that smell? Oh, it's that joke.

This could work, but I'm not in the mood. You know what else I'm not in the

for? You, you, you, you.

Bye. What's the matter?

Well, those guys are geeks. Who needs them anyway? I do all the writing on

show. Hey, somebody write down everything I say, okay? Let's go.

Five, four, Kenny, come here. Two, go.

Which shirt is yours?

Oh, man, I hate laundry days. Oh, wrong.

I don't care.

I'm tired of being Bob.

I don't want to be Bob anymore.

I'll be in a TV star bike. Chester, I got you the jet skis. I got you a

blue t -shirts. The giraffe's on order. What more can I do for you? Get a new

face. No, no, Chester.

That's where I draw the line. I'm not getting a new face. Chester?

Chester, you don't want to be a TV star anymore, do you?

No, it's too much work.

I got a knot in the back of my neck the size of a can of lettuce.

Oh, don't I know that. When it starts in your neck and runs down your back and

comes out your butt. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I do to relieve the tension? I go to Disneyland and ride her

on the teacup. Oh, man, really?

Can we go?

Yeah, come on.

Chester, you're leaving me with a gap in my schedule.

Oh, look out, you dumb bird.

Oh, man.

Oh!

Hey, Gary, watch. Mario's going to make a power jump.

Yeah!

You know, Chester sure is taking this well for a guy who lost his TV series.

Yeah, well, you know, he's a piece.

Yeah. The thing is about Chester, Gary, he doesn't care if he's on TV or playing

with it. It's a beautiful thing. Uh -huh.

No, no, no, no. Let him squirm a little.

you pick up if you're there it's it's phil uh phil stravely again gary

you know gary uh my wife edie adams and i are watching our

network here sitting here thinking something's missing gary look come home

come home to the stravely broadcasting company just offer him the boat phil

you like boats

Eric Geary, I just had a brainstorm for another TV show. It's about a courthouse

cat. See, I could tell you about it, but how about I sing it?

Hey, shut your... Put down the guitar, will you? Oh, that must be Mr.

Stravely. He's going to give him another TV show. Come in.

Hey, Roach. Whoa, a roadie.

Come on in, Roach. What are you doing here?

Well, I've just been doing a lot of...

I'm thinking and soul -searching, and I've come to realize that dry

on reality are really a hip thing.

Oh, you got fired, too, didn't you, Roach? Yeah.

Say, you got any tuna on lettuce with whole wheat toast?

You bet. With no butter? Yeah, no butter.

Fridge. It's in the fridge.

Hey, can I put that guitar away for you?

Wow, a real roadie's put away my guitar.

Cool.

Well, that's the show for tonight.

And, you know, it was a good one. And, you know, I got a boat.

I got my show back.

I got a roadie. And I was in, I think, only like three quarters of the episode.

So, so long, suckers.

Hope you enjoyed it, Gary Chandler.