Original subtitles

Welcome to my honeymoon.

I'm just getting these pillows set right so, you know, no one gets hurt.

Well, this is going to be some honeymoon night. You know what honeymoons are all

about. They're real hot and steamy. That's never happened to me since I lost

vaporizer. But tonight's going to be different. Now, listen, I have to talk

you parents. You know, you may not want your children to watch tonight's show

because there's going to be...

Well, let's just say it's going to be hot. So you may, if you have little

like, well, okay, look, like kids, pull your kids up to the TV.

Any of them below that line, don't let them watch.

Now, keep in mind that I'm like way over this.

So it's okay for me to go ahead with this.

And keep smiling throughout the entire.

Okay, it's going to take me 41 seconds to get everything right for my

and I'll see you right after the opening theme.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

Honey, that's that joke.

What is it? Look on the other side.

Look, I wrote you something. Come over here. Oh, you did?

Yeah. Look.

Love. Love. Oh, Gary. I wanted to put I love you, but there wasn't enough wood.

I ran out of wood. They never have enough wood in these places to say what

really feel. Oh, you carved that soap into the shape of a little heart.

Did you like it?

That was the sweetest thing anybody ever did. I had to use my straight -edge

blade. I hope you can tell it was a heart.

You know, I wanted to actually cut a swan out of the towel, but I didn't

I left my good nail clippers at home. Oh, well, it's off the count.

You look very pretty tonight, Mrs. Shanley. You look pretty terrific

Mr. Shanley.

Right on.

Can you believe this, Gary? This is our honeymoon night. Can you believe it?

No.

Ready for the bed?

Well, well.

I'm a little nervous. I don't know. I mean, this is silly.

We're acting like it's the first time we're making love. I know.

I'm nervous, too.

Funny, huh?

Boy.

I tell you, I sure love when you call you and I we and you and me us.

I think it's... Those are just such great pronouns.

I love us.

I love wee.

Oh, damn it.

Damn.

Oh, damn.

It's a three -way blow.

There must be a million stars up in the sky

tonight.

It's so easy to feel when you and me is love

tonight.

Uncle Garth? How did you know we're... Oh, no, that's terrible.

What's terrible?

Oh, yeah, no, we'll come up... We'll drive up tomorrow morning. Yeah, no,

I'm glad you called.

What's wrong?

Some honeymoon, huh?

It's all right.

It's all right.

How are you guys doing?

Everything all right? Better than Grandpa.

Well,

he was old.

First you get old, and then you die.

Gary, you have your own TV show. Why did he die?

Well, I don't have any idea, Chester. I'll have to ask Tony Danza.

Chester, sweetie, let's go and eat something.

Come on, go ahead, Chester. You haven't made these especially for you.

Oh, Grandpa loved cabbage rolls. They were a thing.

Well, Gary, he's going to be missed.

I know.

God, so sudden.

I was laying down to guess bath when I heard.

Where were you?

Hey, that's Grandpa's plate. You can't eat off of Grandpa's plate.

That's Papa's plate. It's a bath family tradition. God.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, that's Grandpa's chair. Get your stupid butt out.

Life ironic.

You two on a honeymoon and something tragic like this. Boom. Well, just goes

show you. Well, I'm just saying life is ironic.

What's ironic?

Oh, he's cold.

Stuffed cabbage was his fave.

Now he's in the grave.

Oh, hi.

No, no, I know what you're thinking. Oh, great, I'm having deja vu.

I've already seen this. No, no, no, no. Here's what happened, you know.

Phoebe's family convinced us that Grandpa would have wanted us to continue

honeymoon. So... Yeah, well, I'm sure he wishes he could make that sound.

The thing is... The thing is... I

mean, sometimes you have to joke about these things just to lighten things up,

you know.

I never even met the man, if you want to know the truth. But it's very difficult

because I know Phoebe was close to him. But anyway, we're going to try and have

our honeymoon again. I'm sure you would want us to continue.

I have no insurance. I owe you.

Oh, it's not what you think at all.

The bellman was here and I had to tip him, so I took $400 out of your purse.

Yeah, I'm okay. Everything okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You sure? Yeah, I was just

thinking about Grandpa.

Yeah, you know, I just feel kind of bad because, you know, we kind of lost touch

over the last few years. Yeah.

Oh, I wish I'd had a chance to spend more time with him, you know, to tell

stuff. Yeah.

But he knew, I'm sure, that you loved him. That's the important thing, really.

Yeah, I'm sure he did. You know, and I just keep thinking of the stupidest

things, like...

Like how we used to slide out of dentures and do the jack -o' -lantern

No, no, that's what happened. When my grandfather died, all I could think

was the way he ordered in a restaurant.

Well, what did he do? Well, the oddest thing, we'd go into a restaurant, and he

would order from the waitress, and then he would turn and wink to the other

people at the table.

It was the oddest thing. He'd go, oh, I'll have a Coke. There you go.

And I'll have some salmon.

And potatoes.

That's what he would do. What did that mean? No one knew it, just that it was,

first of all, a strange combination to order. Let's start there.

But he would wink, and we never really knew if we were supposed to wink back or

what, you know.

I love you, too. I love you, too, honey.

Oh, I

hate

this hotel.

Can you tell them to hold a call?

Hello?

Uncle Garth? What?

Uncle Garth?

Oh, no.

Oh, he was never sick a day in his life.

Yeah, he just grabbed his chest and dropped like a roll.

Two sudden deaths in less than a week.

Seems like there must be a curse on this family.

Someone is doing this to us. I know it. I just know it.

You poor babies.

Where were you when you heard?

Yeah, where were you?

We were just having sex.

Gary! Oh, man!

little sad but at least we're home amongst our friends you know and i want

thank you at home for your support you know phoebe and i really enjoyed that

book when bad things happen to good people it's nice to know you think we're

good people because we try god knows we try to be well look phoebe if there's

anything that we can do please thanks jackie that's really great Gary, a

more cannelloni? Oh, not too much. Here you go.

Thanks. I've missed your cooking. Oh, thanks, Gary.

It smells great. Feed a little more? Yeah, a little bit more. They're worth a

grant.

Well, I hesitate to even mention it, but he's at a memorial service for his

teacher, Mr.

Jameson.

He got electrocuted last night, hooking up his own cable. Do you believe it?

Rightly. Just to save a buck, Gary. Do you... Do you have any idea

about what time that happened last night?

Well, um... Gee, I guess his wife said it happened around 11 .30.

We were done at 11 .25.

No, Gary.

You finished at 11 .25.

I finished at a quarter to twelve.

Honey, I don't believe you. Gary, what's going on? You won't believe this. What?

Every time, since we got married, every time we go to make love, someone dies.

Oh. I know.

Gary, sit down. No, no. I know what you're thinking. No.

Now listen to me. What? The Bass family, they're turning plates over left and

right. Sit down.

And then we made love last night at exactly the same time Mr.

Jameson, this Mr.

Jameson died. I'm telling you, there's a curse on us or something.

This is just too freaky.

You're spooked.

That's it. You're spooked. I'm really spooked. Go to a therapist. Have a

Have a scotch. No, honey.

Honey, are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I'm fine. I just needed to take a

minute. No, you don't have to apologize for a minute.

Let's go to a movie.

A nice movie. Come on. You know, that's a good idea. Or how about a drive?

Anything. Just to change the scenery.

Let's just get out of here. Gee, this is awful.

I know. I love you so much. I love you, too.

Oh!

Don't worry about Pete.

Pete's going to be fine.

But just to be on the safe side, Phoebe and I thought twin beds was really the

only way to stop this senseless slaughter, this murder, this genocide.

You still up, honey?

Lyndon B. Johnson probably initiated as much civil rights legislation as Abraham

Lincoln, but it went unnoticed while he was in office because of the escalation

of the war in Vietnam.

Honey, why are you thinking about this stuff? What the hell am I supposed to be

doing? If I did what I really wanted, we'd wipe out half this town.

You know, I feel exactly the same way, okay?

Why don't we just go to sleep, get up in the morning, go downtown and get

spayed? Fine.

Good. Set the alarm. Good night, honey.

Good night.

Phoebe.

Look.

Not tonight, fella.

You're not making this any easier.

Oh, great. He's juggling. You know how that turns me on? I know.

I can't even go to the circus without... Well, you know. I know.

Why don't you just go back to sleep, you guys?

Come on.

Oh, brother. Oh, man.

They are awfully good.

Oh, who's that? Is that you?

That's me.

Oh, honey, look at them.

Oh, that was frightening.

They're leading a full life, and we're sitting here like two loaves of bread.

Two loaves of bread, honey.

No, Gary, we've got to be strong. We can't live like this, honey.

No, we've just got to hold out, Gary. Are you sure?

No.

Damn. I can't take this anymore.

Easy, Gary. You guys have forced us to kill again. Who is it this time?

Someone big.

Someone heavy. Someone with a big stuff. Marlon Brando. We've got Marlon Brando,

honey. What a loss.

They're doing the twist. Oh, Chubby Checker. No.

But there's still more.

Three people.

We've killed the Hudson brothers.

Three of the four tops.

Who knows who we've killed at this point? The three wise men. The wise men?

only Jewish family in Sherman Oaks? The three wise men. Look, see that star?

See that star? Hear that music?

Get it, bonehead?

Oh, that was you on the phone? Yeah. We killed Ian.

No, no. Actually, I have some good news.

What? We killed Leonard Smith.

Oh, Gary, I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant? We made Nancy pregnant.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, it is great.

I gotta go now, but I just wanted to tell you.

a good wedding. Oh, yeah.

We got three of them. Congrats.

Congrats.

Oh, the curse is off.

All right. The curse is off. I can't believe it. Not only is it off, we made

pregnant. We made her pregnant.

Oh, honey.

Oh, honey.

Oh, that's what the shadows are trying to tell us. Of course. Where did they

I want to thank them. Let's go to bed. Go to bed. Right on, honey.

Wait. Let me. Okay, wait a minute. What?

Let me do the closing monologue. Okay, hurry. Okay, I don't have a lot of time.

Wait, because... Listen, it's been a good show.

And we've learned a lot about sex and family and cable TV and all that. I

have time for this. I gotta... What?

Oh, look. Look, I think one of the wise men came back.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's Barry Wiseman.

Oh, Barry.

Take us home, Barry.

Just like a dream come true.

Oh, baby.

The stars are bright here tonight.

I'll give my heart to you.

There must be a million stars up in the sky

tonight.

It's so easy to see for you and me.

It's love.

It's love, it's love, it's love, it's love tonight.

Oh, baby.