Original subtitles

I am telling you, Phoebe, I looked beautiful in this dress, and so will

But, Ruth, look at this. The sleeves hang down like a gorilla's. My arms are

like a gorilla's? No, I didn't say your arms were like a gorilla's. I said the

sleeves hang down. Like a gorilla's. No.

Maybe a chimp, a baboon. Come on, girl, say what you mean. Come on, Ruth, I

think you're being a little bit oversensitive. Oh, well, maybe I should

shrivel up and die.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. Nice to see you. Really, you've come on a great

night. I'm sure when you heard the words shrivel up and die, you said, hey,

Gary's going to be out any second.

Anyway, you've come on a really terrific night because my mother and Phoebe have

been at each other's throat all week. It's really a beautiful thing to see.

Really saved me. Somebody saved me.

This is the first time I've been out of my bedroom in three days. Baba, Baba,

would you tell her that she looks pretty in this dress? Gary, this looks

horrible, right?

Why doesn't anyone care what I wear? Let me ask my dad.

I love being... Hey.

Maybe this is somebody who cares. Let's hope it is.

At least they didn't interrupt my monologue.

Hello?

Hold on. It's the florist. He wants to know what kind of flowers you want for

the centerpieces.

Wildflowers. Lilies.

Could we call you back tomorrow?

Friday. Monday.

Okay, I'll speak to you on Friday and Monday. How's that?

I'm sure this dress looked really beautiful. I'm sure it did, but, you

had in mind something a little simpler.

Oh, well, of course. Sure, sure, sure. Let's have a peasant wedding.

I can't talk to you.

Don't you leave this room. Don't leave on my account. Oh, please, no. Oh, no.

Don't you leave because I am leaving.

Good night.

See you next time.

Sorry, but that's the last straw. I mean, first it was the invitations, and

it's this dress.

I mean, your mother is taking all the joy out of what is supposed to be the

happiest day of our lives. I think you're overreacting. This will be fine.

think you just need to take a step back, take a breath, and have a seat on the

porch. Oh, Gary, what the hell are you talking about? You don't even have a

porch.

Honey, I have to read you a fable.

A fable? Gary, what do you think I am, five? Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Just trust me.

I have a magic book.

It'll take me 41 seconds to find it.

This is the theme to Gary's show. The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

This book really isn't that delicate. I just had to kill time during the opening

credits.

Okay. This fable's called Howard and the Enchanted

Port.

You've got to be kidding.

Once upon a time, in a little village called Sherman Oaks...

There was a meeting of the condo people.

And they were having a very bad week.

Pete and Jackie Schumacher were in a dither.

Are you nuts? You know, I got a big law case coming up. Jackie, you're the one

who wanted to go on vacation.

Not me. I didn't want to go. Oh, not to your brothers. God, I hate that trailer.

Would you be quiet down? I got a headache this big. Hey, who doesn't,

Um, you're in my seat.

I don't see your name on it.

Well, it just so happens that I always sit there, pal.

Why don't you go on a wild fling and sit in another city, Ian?

Okay, the condo meeting's about to begin.

Gary, you're late again.

I hope you don't run your personal life this way.

Get off my back.

What's with Ian?

Get off my back.

Okay, any new business?

As some of you know, I have an allergy to smoke.

So smoke tickles the little hairs inside my nose and lungs.

My cilia.

And when Kim Moon barbecues steaks of T -bone, the tickling gets so bad I have

to scratch it with a shrimp fork.

You take away my grill. What next? My freedom?

Condo rules permit barbecuing in the condo quad.

So, Mr. Guest.

You have two choices. Either close your doors or purchase a nose plug.

I'm victorious.

American justice has been served. Well, that's just round one.

In other business, we have a newcomer. He's the new tenant in 6A, and his name

is Howard Sprague of Mayberry, South Carolina.

That's North Carolina.

North Carolina, South Carolina. Excuse the faux pas.

That's all right.

I'm just very happy to be here, and I'm looking forward to meeting each and

every one of you. And you're all invited to come on over to my place for some

lemonade and watch the sunset from the front porch.

Porch? What porch?

Oh, I'm building a fine new porch on my car. Oh, I don't think so.

No outside construction allowed here.

I'd like to put up some golden arches in front of my house.

That means sawdust. You know what that does to my ears?

I have allergies, too. I'll be very careful. Oh, be careful getting off my

Okay, I'm very sorry, Howard, but Gary's right. No outside construction is

allowed. So I won't be able to put up my new porch. No!

Well,

so boo -hoo, so some guy doesn't get his porch. I still don't know why you're

reading me this story. Boo -hoo, boo -hoo. It just so happens that everyone

having a very bad day, like you and my mother.

But then something very interesting happened.

When the very next day, the quarrelsome family Schumacher came a -calling on our

wise, well -trusted, well -built friend.

Palm Springs.

Too hot.

Hawaii. It's too expensive. Palm Springs.

Too dry.

It's too humid. Gary, Gary, where do you think we should go on vacation? Home.

Go home.

Think about it. The rates are very cheap this time of year. Go before anyone

else finds out about it. Oh, wow. King Solomon strikes again.

Come in. We never bring anything over. Hi, folks. I hope I'm not interrupting

you. I'm making a pumpkin loaf and I ran out of sugar.

Do you happen to have any, Gary?

There's sugar in the kitchen, Howard. Thank you.

I still say Hawaii.

Well, I say Palm Springs, okay? Oh, are you people planning a little holiday?

Well, we're trying to.

You know, the most romantic vacation I ever heard of was the time my friend

Taylor, he was a sheriff in Naples.

Well, he had a sweetheart, Helen Crump. She was a wonderful person. And a fine

teacher, too.

Well, they had plans for a trip to Raleigh that fell through. And Andy

well, what the heck? Why don't we just drive on over to Mount Pilot instead?

And they did, you know.

And because Andy and Helen had each other, for a short while, good old Mount

Pilot was their very own little corner of paradise.

Honey, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Me too, curly bear.

I'm sorry, Grant.

Come have some popcorn.

Well, I hope you folks have a really fine trip.

Gary, you're a little low on sugar, so I only took a half a cup.

Anytime, Howard. I'll see you.

I'll see you. Bye.

See you, Howard.

All right. So now everyone's happy. Where are we going on vacation?

You're not going anywhere, mister, till you shave off that mustache.

No way.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. You heard your mother. Yeah, like I need a vacation,

I've got a mustache. Yeah, I'll give you a mustache. Right around that aisle,

I'll give you a mustache.

Something else, Howard?

Oh, are you finished with your newspaper, Gary? I haven't started to

mine yet.

Help yourself.

Oh, that's very neighborly, Gary. Sure.

There you go.

Say.

That's a mighty fine -looking mustache you got there, young man. Oh, thanks,

mister. It's new, and I'm afraid some people don't like it. Oh?

Yeah, well, you know, back home, some people used to criticize my mustache,

Sheriff Taylor's Aunt Bea used to tell me... Well, people are

less for judging others.

You know, I don't know this Aunt Bea, but she sounds like a great woman.

Your mother and I are sorry we yelled at you.

I'm sorry.

I love you guys. You're the best parents a kid can have.

You guys have as much popcorn as you like.

Well, I'll see you.

This strange man Howard seemed to have a soothing effect on people.

So I decided to follow him and see what made him tick.

Thanks, Howard.

Oh, thanks for everything.

Bye, kids.

Thank you, Howard.

I'm sorry, Ian.

Oh, I'm sorry too, Nancy.

You know, Howard's right. We should try to communicate more about sex.

Otherwise, we'll end up like... Barney and Thelma Lou.

So that's great.

All right, so Howard helps everybody, everybody's happy, everybody loves

everybody else.

That's a very effective fable.

Yeah, it really is. What are you doing, honey? I'm trying to feel this thing and

I'm suffocating in distress. I can understand that, but now you have made

lose my play.

That's very bad luck in a fable.

Where was I?

Oh, I'm building a fine new porch on my car. Oh, I don't think so.

Here, here I am.

So, I followed Howard to Lake Sherman Oaks, the home of Big Jake, the

14 -pound trout that deluded even the most experienced fishermen.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, Howard.

They're really biting today.

Did you bring your fishing gear?

No.

I thought maybe we'd just have a little chat.

That's a great idea.

Hey. Care for a peppermint stick?

Hey, that's my favorite candy.

How'd you know?

Oh, I never met a young fella yet that didn't like peppermint stage.

Mmm.

Grab one, Howard.

You know, I'm really sorry about that condo meeting. I shouldn't have said

anything about you building that porch.

Oh, don't fret, Karen.

It'll give you wrinkles.

You really got away with people.

What's your secret, Howard?

It's funny. Everywhere I go, people ask me, how do you do it, Howard?

Howard, what gives?

Howard, how do you make it work?

Howard, how does it happen?

And you know, when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I ask

the same question.

Howard,

how do you do it?

How do you make it work? Howard, don't go through the whole list.

Well, anyway, there's no big secret.

You just sit back and relax.

You know, you wave at people.

They wave back.

You're merely responding to the Mayberry and all of us.

Boy, I never met anyone like you, Howard.

Oh, I'm nothing special.

It's the middle -aged bachelor who lived with his mother too long and now has a

condo in Sherman Oaks.

Put her there, bro.

We've grown a lot, haven't we? I think I got a nibble here.

Feels like a big one.

Let's line up, Howard.

This lake's only 12 feet wide, but it's like 1 ,000 feet deep here.

Look at the size of him. Hey!

Woo -hoo!

So long, big boy.

Howard, are you nuts?

Oh, I don't like to keep them. I just like to meet them.

Howard, but that's Big Jake.

Jake. Jake.

Come here, Jake.

As hard as I tried, Big Jake was gone.

But then, so was Howard.

Howard?

Maybe we should fly.

Oh, no, no, honey. Let's not do anything until we talk to Howard. Right. Ask

Howard. Ask Howard.

We're here to ask Howard what kind of sex to have.

It's very important.

Wait for Howard.

Very good.

Very good.

Okay, first item on the agenda, replacing our trash containers. All

favor?

All right. Those opposed?

Okay, what gives?

We must wait for Howard Sprague to show us the way.

Brian, out loud, don't you people have minds of your own?

We don't know.

Ask Howard.

Wait for Howard.

It's Howard! Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, it's fine.

Hey, it's the porch.

I, I, it's the...

It's the Mayberry and all of us. I was just right before Howard disappeared.

Where's Howard gone?

Where's Howard gone?

Always pestering with those questions about the making of love. Excuse me.

You're talking to Mr.

Moon that probably drove him out of town. Father Dash? I blame Pete. Me?

married? Yes, who's married? You're married.

Listen to me.

Listen. Listen.

You weren't nothing from Howard. Nothing.

left that meeting with a mission, to build that porch that Howard always

of. For I knew it would help the wayward condo residents find the spirit of

Mayberry that lives within us all.

Because as far as I was concerned, they learned nothing from Howard.

Nothing.

So even though Howard never came back, the condo people learned happiness is as

close as your back porch.

Isn't that nice?

Excuse me.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I just forgot my purse. Well, that's just fine

because nobody wants to speak to her either.

You've learned nothing from that fable. Nothing.

Come on, we're going to the porch right now.

Let's go. What am I talking about, Bubba? You'll see.

Porch.

He has snapped. He has snapped. I knew it. I have not snapped. Believe me.

They'll know when I've snapped.

What? This is an enchanted porch? This is it. What's so enchanting? Enchanted

and sweeping beauty. Just take a deep breath.

Give it a chance.

It's kind of nice out here.

The porch is starting to kick in.

I'm sorry too, Phoebe.

This is your wedding.

And it should be exactly the way you and Bubba wanted. And the important thing

is that we're going to be a family.

Phoebe, this is Howard.

What, you mean the guy in the fable? No, Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, of

course.

The Howard.

Where have you been, Howard?

Oh, Berlin, Afghanistan, wherever I was needed.

Hey, this is a fine new porch you all built for me, Gary.

Bubba, aren't you going to introduce Mother to your attractive friend?

Howard, this is my mother.

Howard Sprague. Oh, how nice to meet you.

I'm Shantae.

Would you like to sit down?

Well,

that's our show for tonight.

Oh, for those of you who are watching this show for course credit, let me

explain some of the symbolism.

Howard represents the goodness in us all.

And the porch represents the goodness in us all.

And Big Jake, well, Big Jake's just a big red herring, but he represents the

red herring in us all.

I don't know what en jante means. You'll have to look that up on your own.

Many happy ever afters. See you next week.

Thank you.

No.