Original subtitles

I'm not going to be able to do an opening monologue tonight. I know that

as news to you.

Well,

that doesn't make it any easier, but I'm a little preoccupied about this letter

I got this morning. This is a real letter, and it comes from the USC

Department, not to be confused with USMC, which is where Sergeant Carter

He was Gomer Pyle's boss.

Anyway, I just want to read this to you.

Dear Mr. Shanling, while enjoying your most recent show, I was distressed to

notice a suspicious growth on the back of your neck.

Unless this was just another one of your psych gags, I would advise you to see a

doctor for a diagnosis.

Let's hope it's nothing serious.

Sincerely, Dr.

Stephen S. Kipnis, Department of Oncology, USC Medical Department.

P .S. All my colleagues think I look a little like Pete Schumacher.

Boy, let's... I guess that's proof he doesn't work in the plastic surgery

department.

Listen, I'm just going to take a look at last week's show, if it's okay with

you.

because he's actually got me a little spooked about this growth.

And this is last week's show.

It's called Ian Chickens Out. This is an episode where Ian, you know, Nancy's

boyfriend, was supposed to propose to her all during the show, and he never

the guts, and he kept chickening out.

Hence the cleverness of the title there.

Okay. Let's see just if this thing's as bad as he says or if we see anything at

all. And, you know, feel free to get as close to the TV as you like so you don't

strain your eyes.

Don't drool on me.

Thank you. The opening monologue.

Thank you. Well. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to tonight's show. I'm wearing a

turtleneck sweater. Oh, this is great.

I'm wearing a turtleneck.

It's funny to look back at your old shows and see how styles have changed.

Okay, I'm in this scene. I have an open collar, though.

Oh. I love this scarf. Thanks again.

My pleasure.

My pleasure. Actually, it's an old Scottish custom.

When a man's about to ask a girl to marry him, he gives her best friend the

scarf. Are you saying you popped the question to Nancy?

You did, didn't you? No, no, no, not yet. I did not pop the question. But I

thought tonight at her birthday party, well, I thought it might be the ideal

time. What do you think? Well, I think you better do it at her party tonight.

Don't chicken out. I think I take the scarf off when I, you know, when I start

to shoot pool. Okay.

Jerk.

It had nothing to do with Ian and Nancy. This is just when Grant had ants in his

pants.

That wasn't even fast -forwarded. Here.

I think I'm in this scene.

So you're excited about your birthday party tonight?

Really? I don't think it's going to be anything too special.

Ian hasn't given you a scarf lately, has he?

a steam box for about four hours. How come I'm not losing any weight?

Gary, you're in the commercial dryer.

Those are your clothes burning.

I'm telling you, it was a funny episode.

All right.

Oh, man, I must have said... Oh, here, come on. This is you. My next in

this theme.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, okay. I don't think it has a card on it. It's very heavy.

I'm sure someone will own up.

Oh, yes. I think I know. I think I know who this is from now.

His friend.

Yeah. It's a class project.

Yeah, everyone had to make one of me.

Why? Because he's the best looking kid in the class. Yeah.

It's this wrapping paper. It's from a jewelry store.

It's a watch.

Thanks, Ian.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

No, it's nice.

She's a chicken.

Excuse me just a minute.

Coffee's ready. Anybody else want some?

You know, it's waterproof.

It's automatic.

It has an alarm.

You can actually record all the numbers of all your very, very best friends. I

can't believe you chickened out.

pulling my shirt collar down.

I lean forward.

Oh.

Thanks, Dr. Kipnis, for writing in.

I gotta go see the doctor. I'll see you guys after the opening credits.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm on my way.

How do you like the show? How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

Nan?

Nan?

Grant's lucky he doesn't have a neck.

I just figured that since I'm going into the hospital, I could get Nance, you

know, to pick up my mail and water my plants and wax my floors and polish my

breath.

I'm only going to be in for a day. I wish I was in longer because she'd have

time to do those skylights I wanted her to put in.

Nance?

Oh, sorry.

Gary? Sorry.

Sorry.

You're going to break something.

Don't ever go that fast in someone's apartment.

If my memory serves me right, they were having sex, weren't they?

That's what that was.

You can't fool me. I recognize some of those sounds.

And that wasn't Ian. That was not her boyfriend, Ian. There's no getting

that. Gary, I can explain this all to you later. No, no. I know it looked very

strange. No, well, it always looks strange to someone from the outside. I

caught my own reflection in the mirror.

The entire car wash just freaked out.

Gary?

Sal.

Sal?

Gary. Sal DeMarco. Hey, I haven't seen you since college.

That's right.

Hey, long time no see.

You're doing great, Gary. Well, not as good as you.

I'm just kidding around.

Remember when he started, he tried all that stuff on us about his hair and his

big lips and no dates?

Yeah, right.

Well, that was a long time ago. I don't do that kind of stuff.

You look like you've been working out. You look in good shape there. Thanks,

Gary. You look pretty good yourself.

I have a growth on my neck.

Yeah, I just went to the... Oh, get that looked at. Really.

Gary, Gary, she's right.

A cousin of mine had something just like that. He thought it was just a mole.

He's drinking through a tube now.

Thanks for the support.

I think we're all lucky you came out in that sheet.

I'm going to the hospital.

You can water my plants. I'd really appreciate it.

Keep the hose. I might need to drink out of it.

Thanks for applauding when I come into my hospital.

personal growth on this show, and I have it removed.

You know, at least you don't have to look at that ugly wart anymore. Look,

replaced it with this really attractive bloody gauze pad.

So, how you doing, Gary?

Hey, Doc.

Hey.

He really does look like Pete, doesn't he?

You know, before he has kids, I better show him that mask of Grant.

Happy to know that we got this.

This was on my deck?

Yeah.

Keep it down.

Well, kind of. By next time, I've got to get a private room.

Gary, I'm going to take this down to the lab for some tests, okay?

Yes. Yeah, the color on this tissue is a little disturbing.

Disturbing? Yeah.

Oh.

I don't feel so good. This is really starting to hurt.

Yeah, that's because your anesthetic is wearing off. Here, let me give you a

little shot here. You may feel a little woozy, but this will be good for you.

Okay? Here we go. It's not going to make me act silly, is it, Doc? No, no.

Don't put it in my arm.

Oh, okay. Oh, big boy.

You're a big boy.

little touch of heaven.

Hey, doc, could you take the thermometer out while you're back there?

I think it's been in there before the surgery. Someone's going to be looking

that.

Pete,

thanks a lot.

What are you doing to Gary?

Oh, no, no, I'm Dr. Kipnis.

Well, that's amazing. You know, you look just like our friend. We have a friend,

Pete, who looks just like you.

Hey, I know that.

Hello?

Marge?

It's me, Gary Shandling.

I'm Mr. Big Boy.

If there's any messages, I'll be right here waiting for any messages.

You were Dracula for a second.

Oh, boy. I brought you something.

I brought you a present. Look.

What? It's a get well ring. It's a Scottish custom.

Oh, I was one strip search at Scottish customs.

Oh, boy. Those were the days.

I was just passing through. I was buying some scotch tape.

Do you like it?

Oh, yeah.

Do you like it? Do you like that ring? Yeah, I just thought... If you like that

ring, you should... I just thought I lost my sense of humor for a second.

You should see the ring I'm going to get for Nancy. Gary, I'm going to get Nancy

a ring. I really am. I'm not going to chicken out. You're going to get her a

ring?

Where'd it go?

Oh,

that's a great thing. You should get Sal a ring, too, so he won't feel left out.

Don't you think so, Marge? Sal?

Well, Sal's the man Nancy's been sleeping with.

Oh, wait.

You're sleeping with Nancy.

Oh, I'm confused.

Nancy must be sleeping with everybody but Marge.

Marge? Is Nancy sleeping with you? Gary, is this one of your not -so -funny

jokes? Joke?

What was that sound?

walked in, she was swinging him around like it was a circus act.

Yay, the circus is in town.

Who's Sal?

Who's Sal?

Do you want some eggs?

Tell me who Sal is. Sal, aren't you listening to me as the man

Nancy's sleeping with?

God, there's still no reason not to propose to her, though. Excuse me, but I

to differ.

Hello, long distance.

Hello, England. Hello, France. I saw Nancy's underpants.

I didn't even dial. I don't think.

I'm not going to get anybody.

Doc. Gary. Doc. Where are you?

Hey, Gary. Oh, Doc. Hi, Gary.

Hi, Gary. Doc, listen. Can I have another cane, Sharon? Gary, I'm not the

doctor. You're a chimp.

bananas, Gary.

Pete. Gary, wait here. I'll go get the doctor, Gary. Wait here. Bananas. Hold

on.

Bananas. I gotta put these in some water.

Stop. Stop.

Gary. Stop.

Pete said you were looking for me. Yeah. Look, there's a 4 .2 in Pasadena.

Oh, Mars.

Oh,

listen to this one.

Dear Uncle Gary, glad you got that thing off your neck. It made me sick.

Love, Grant.

He should write for Hallmark. You know, there's a big call for neck, get well

neck kind of car.

Gary. Oh, hey, Nan.

Gary, why did you tell Ian about me and Sal?

What are you talking about? I didn't say anything to Ian.

Yes, you did. Ian came to the hospital. He gave you that get well ring, and you

told him everything.

He's absolutely furious. with me, Gary. Oh, no.

That's what I was afraid of. You know what happens? As soon as I get any kind

pain medication inside me, I just spill my guts. Oh, great.

I'm sorry. I just screwed up. I'm really, really sorry.

Well, that makes two of us.

And I wasn't on medication.

Oh, brother.

I made such a big mistake, Gary. I don't know what to do. You know, I think I

was just... I was feeling sorry for myself is what happened, and I ran into

and I...

Wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Those things can happen, but couldn't you have done that standing up? I mean,

it's a shoulder. You don't need to lie down to get to a shoulder to cry on.

Gary, I just came by to thank you very much for telling me about Nancy and Sol.

No, it's Sal.

Sal.

Sal DeMarco. Oh, Sol or Sal. You probably slept with both of them.

What's so bad about it?

No, you just jumped into bed with him just right now. Well, why don't you

apologize to me?

Then apologize again.

Oh, Nancy and Saul. Nancy and Saul. Nancy and Saul. Nancy and Saul.

Nancy and Saul. All right.

Stop it. Stop it.

Not that it isn't a mature argument. Would you sit down?

Sit down a minute. Sit down.

Nancy, sit down. Gary. Sit down.

Just sit down.

You know, Nancy happens to love you. Are you aware of that?

Oh. Yeah, well, funny way she shows it, she just jumps into bed with Sol

DeMarco.

Well, yeah, I don't know what that was about. You got me there.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I apologize again.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

It's Sal.

Marco, just sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Just sit down.

You know, how much longer is this going to go on?

You disappoint her, then you hurt her. Then you hurt her, then you... It's...

When is it going to stop?

Do you love... What's the bottom line? Do you love each other?

That's all.

Do you?

Yes.

All right, then Ian, I have a very important question to ask you.

Very, very, very important.

This isn't easy. What?

Well, boy, this is, I've dreamed of this moment. This isn't exactly the way I

thought it was going to be, but all right, I'll do the best I can.

Ian?

Would you marry Nancy?

Jerry, you know, I've dreamed of this moment myself. This is really not the

I pictured it. Butt out.

I'm very, I really am very, very honored that you asked me. I really am so

honored. Would you look at me? That really means a lot to me. I don't know

to say. I'm blushing like a scoop. You are?

I feel kind of kidding myself.

Oh, boy.

Well, listen, I want you to take all the time you need to think it's over. I

know I'm not demanding an answer now. I know that, you know, I don't mean to put

you on the spot. These are the kind of things that don't work out. If I

you, you know, I know it'll end up backfiring. So just take all the time

want.

Coming up with an answer. You can let me know. You could write me. Give me your

hand.

Pardon me?

Give me your hand.

I'm not giving you my hand.

I did the proposing thing and now... Oh, give me your hand. I'm not giving you

my hand. Give me your hand.

All right.

Yes.

I will.

I'm sorry, Nancy.

I shall have me.

Nancy?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I wonder who she's going to sleep with on her honeymoon.

I love that joke.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I think, uh, I think we tied up all the

ends. I think that... Come in.

Gary, your test results came back and they're negative.

There you go.

It's just fatty tissue. I probably could have worked it off with some deep neck

bands.

This is great, Pete.

How did you get this report?

Why did they give it to you? I'm not Pete. I'm Dr. Kipnis. How do you like my

new glasses, Gary?

They look just like Pete's glasses. Hi, Gary.

Oh, hey, Grant.

Hi, mister.

Hello, young man.

Mister, come on. You know who this is. Take a good look. You know, come on.

Grant, come on. You know who this is. Come on, catch up. You know exactly who

that is.

No. You don't recognize him? I don't know.

Huh, he doesn't look like anyone I know.

Okay, bye.

What a remarkable young man.

He came in here for no reason whatsoever, and then he left.

Gary, could I use your bathroom?

Oh, sure.

It's right up there.

The first door to the left.

Thank you, Gary. I think being a doctor, you'll appreciate the fact that I use

gauze.

Where? In the bathroom.

Well, that's our... That's the show.

I know that's definitely the show this time.

And I... I'll get it.

Pete. Gary, have you seen Grant?

Oh, he just left.

Oh.

Gary, can I use your bathroom?

Sure, Pete.

Thanks, Gary.

Oh, hello.

Hello. How are you?

I'm Gary's doctor.

Oh, I'm Gary's friend, Pete.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you Grant's father?

Yes, I am.

He's quite a remarkable young man.

We think so.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Are you here to use the bathroom?

Sort of. Well, okay. You sort of look like Pete.

Go ahead, follow the trail.

Well, that's our show.

Good night, everybody. I'll see you.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello?

Yes, it's in there.