All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s03e08_vegas_2

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

The temperature outside... Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi, everybody. It's me, Gary

Shanling. What's going on? This will
just take a second. You just drive.

I'd like to show you all some scenes
from last week's show so you'll

what this week's show is all about.

And I'll jingle my spurs when it's time
to flip to the next scene. So let's

start with last week's opening
monologue.

Gary, give me back my hat.

The deal is, there's this party going on
because we're celebrating tonight.

Leonard Smith is the head of the condo
association. You know Leonard Smith.

actually getting married. He's getting
married in Las Vegas, Nevada to some...

haven't met her yet. Some woman named
Kitty who's in show business.

Could be Kitty Carlisle for all I know.

Excited?

You know...

Out of all you kids, I would have
thought Bubba would have been the first

marry. And then lose his wife.

And then remarry.

Yeah, in fact, I've been dating thick
women to speed up the process.

I love airplanes so much. There is so
much good comedy material in an

Like, take that black box.

So they have it so you can tell what
caused the accident by what the pilot

said, because you can tell a lot from
oops.

Well, hello.

Hello. Can I help you find your seat?
No, I'm all right. I'm sitting right

Thanks. I've got it mailed, but
appreciate it.

Then they've got the... Can I get you a
beverage?

I don't believe so.

Thank you very much. Just trying to do
some comedy material.

Well, burr.

Looks like we've hit a cold front we
haven't even taken off yet.

You know, I never buckle up during tank
-offs. I think that's a stupid rule.

Oh.

Leonard, it's hard to believe the old
make -out maestro is finally going to

up his baton.

How's it feel now that your alley
catting days are over?

Oh, my God, there's something out there.

Tom, there's someone on the wing.

Leonard, please.

I've seen The Twilight Zone.

I saw the movie, the series, and all the
parodies, so spare me.

It's my late wife. May she rest in
peace.

Although she's not resting in peace,
she's on the wing.

Go back out on the wing. Go on. It's the
dead person section.

Get a new dress. You're single again.

You're dead again. It's a whole new
life.

All I'm trying to say is go and be
happy. Find somebody new. But let

married.

Hey, hey, why is everyone so quiet? I'm
getting married.

We're going to have the wedding of the
century.

No,

thank you. I knew you'd like it. And
now, before you deplane...

I have to play the theme so we can begin
part two.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost in the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.

Just checked in.

And guess what? We have a joining room.
Oh, great.

Well, that'll be fun.

Make sure you keep that door closed.
Actually, I walk in my sleep in the

I even jaywalk in the nude, which
actually works out great because when

stop me, I have no ID.

Grant, aren't you a little young? I
don't think you're supposed to be in the

casino. Oh, great.

Thanks for finding me all the way out
here.

Well... Oh, come on, honey. Let's go do
some window shopping.

Bye. Oh, man.

Sheeds of our trip to Reno. Oh, there's
nothing wrong with looking at windows.

Bye.

You know, Gary, I love Las Vegas,
Nevada. Every time Jackie sees that

of Wayne Newton, boom, she turns into a
wildcat. You're kidding.

You're kidding.

You know, Gary, I really think I have a
shot with Jackie tonight.

Well,

why don't you let Grant sleep in my
room? I'd be happy to take care of him,

then it'll be kind of like a second
honeymoon for you guys.

Will that help you out? Thank you, Gary.
You know, it's been a while.

Well, hey, take her by the Joe Louis
statue. That'll really turn her on.

See you later. I'd like to bet some
clean... Oh, Gary, hi.

Oh. Hi. Oh, it's Nancy and Ian.

Hey, you guys.

How's it going?

Pretty good.

Ian, do you have... Do you like Las
Vegas? Do you have anything like this in

Ireland?

I told you before, I'm from Scotland.

Scotland. Oh. Oh. Like there's a
difference.

Before you know it, he'll be telling me
Japan and China are different.

Gary, I was about to show Ian around
town.

Well, let me take you out. You know,
Vegas is my town.

You know, I work here. They actually
give me free drinks when I gamble.

That's how special I am.

This is the Dunes Hotel.

And, well, I don't need to name them
all. Just sit back and enjoy it.

I can't thank you enough for this
wonderful tour of Las Vegas, Nevada.

You know, Gary, this is much, much
better than driving around in that silly

little car. Oh, this way you don't get
that wind in your hair and you drive

around. This way you can see whatever
you... This is great. Have you guys ever

been to Honolulu?

Because Hawaii Five -O's coming on next.
I can give you a little tour of Hawaii

there. Oh, you don't mind if I say no?
Too much sun's not very good for me.

Thank you.

Well, I don't think you... Hey, wait,
you guys, you guys want to listen

the wall and listen to my parents are
having sex?

No, I don't think so. Go get a glass.

Okay.

No. Oh, I'm just, I was just thirsty.

Oh, you guys are taking away all my fun.

Can't gamble. I can't drink.

Can't get in and see the topless
dancers.

What's left?

Actually, it's funny you should ask
that, because when we were checking in

downstairs, I saw this buffet, and it
was only 99 cents.

99 cents?

Viva Las Vegas!

Don't wait up for me, Gary.

Such an energetic child.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. You know, we ought to be
getting changed, too, because we're

to go downstairs to the lounge and meet
Leonard's fiancée.

Oh, that's right. I can't wait to find
out what she's like.

Well, let's face it. Her name's Kitty
and she works in Las Vegas. It's a sin

she's no microbiologist. Oh, meow.

Well, what kind of lady does Leonard
usually like? Well, oh, he dated that

woman, Bonnie, from Parents Without
Partners. You remember that? Well, until

found out he wasn't a parent.

Oh, I'll bet she thinks she got the last
joke in the scene.

And now I'm going to take the sword and
jam it all the way through Kitty's neck.

Here we go. Kitty, do you feel it? Oh,
yeah.

Take a deep breath.

Cough, please. It's stuck.

How do you feel?

I feel like a shish kebab.

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't she
fantastic?

Isn't Kitty gorgeous?

Leonard, why didn't you tell us she was
a magician's assistant?

I wanted you to see her the way she was
when I fell in love with her. Well, she

looked very sweet.

Leonard, I hope you treat her much
better than that gentleman there does.

And now, I am going to get a volunteer
from the audience up in just a moment.

to help me produce a wedding gift for
Kitty magically because she is

her wedding tomorrow night.

I need a volunteer.

Oh.

Yes,

this gentleman right here. Would you
mind coming up, please?

Oh, did he call me? Yes, yes.

Let's give him a nice round of applause.

Stand right over here. You are, uh...

Gary Shanling. Gary Shanling. Oh, boy.
Now, watch. I feel a little awkward. I

was hoping you weren't going to call me.
No, I'm so happy you're here.

Now, I do have two... Schmatzes. Thank
you.

We take the ends, tie them into a small
knot, and now would you be kind enough

to open one hand, please?

The clean one.

It'll be fine.

Hold tightly, please. Now, the knots
must be kept in a very safe, dark place.

And the safest, darkest place I could
think of would be just right down here.

Okay. No, not on me.

On you would be fine.

Hey,

nice to meet you.

Don't get emotionally involved.

No, it's fine. Take this hand, make a
fist, please. Take this hand, make a

We're going to have lovely Kitty.

Hold one in, if you would.

I'll hold this in. We're going to count
to three.

We're going to pull.

The knot's going to disappear.

And Kitty's wedding gift is going to end
up tied between the two angels.

It's not what you think.

Here we go. At three. And at three, all
you have to do is go... You'll be fine.

Here we go. Ready.

One. Pulse, don't forget to go... Yeah,
three.

Very nice.

One, two, three.

Here, Kitty, this is for you. Thanks,

Marcus. Not really my style, but I think
they'll fit my fiancé perfectly.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice
round of applause for my volunteer, Gary

Shandling, and also...

Kitty, my ta -da girl.

And I call her that because every time I
finish a trick, she goes, ta -da.

And if you enjoyed the magic and would
like to come back, we have five more

shows tonight, 12 more tomorrow.

That's 84 shows a week right here in the
lab.

See you later. Thank you very much.

Great show, Kitty.

These are my oldest and dearest friends.

I'm so happy you could come to Las
Vegas, Nevada for my wedding.

Boy, that was some trick, huh?

Thanks, but the real trick was landing a
great catch like Leonard.

Ta -da.

You know, I feel really good. I should
get my underwear yanked off more often.

Bye, Kitty.

See you at the late show.

Okay, Mark.

Leonard, it was nice meeting you.

Same here, Mark.

How did you like my friends?

Oh, they were wonderful, especially
Gary.

He reminded me of a half -man, half
-woman I worked with once in the circus.

Which half?

The manly half, of course. Of course.

Leonard, I'm so glad you let him be on
your show.

Well, actually, it's his show, you know.
I just go on from time to time to bail

him out.

Like the fun.

Hey. Oh, you're so cute.

Give me a hug for a tap.

Oh, boy. In 24 hours, you'll be Mrs.
Leonard Smith, first lady of the

condo. That sounds wonderful, Leonard. I
feel like Imelda Marcos.

No, Kitty. It's not just an honorary
position, either. Because, like, for

instance, on the condo Valentine's Day
party, you get to dress up as Mrs.

Oh, that sounds great, too.

But I'll be on tour in February.

On tour?

Yeah.

You mean you're going to keep working
after we're married?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

Well, but you're going to be my wife.

Well, that doesn't mean I have to give
up my work.

Doesn't marriage mean that two people
give their lives totally to each other?

Oh, Leonard, I like my work. I spent 15
years learning to stuff doves in my bra.

I can't just walk away from all that.

Well... But I want you with me all of
the time, not just part of the time,

Oh, that's very nice, Leonard. But how
can you ask me to give up that part of

that made you fall in love with me?

Well, what's the point of being married
if we're never going to be together?

I mean, that doesn't make any sense to
me.

It's not a real marriage.

Leonard, are you saying...

That you won't marry me if I don't give
up my job?

I guess that's what I am saying.

Oh, no.

Hmm.

Well... I'm very sorry, Leonard.

I guess this means we're disengaged.

Oh.

Boy, when I turn on the lights, I turn
on the lights.

Joe, it's 3 o 'clock. Who could that be?

I didn't call for a massage.

Buy something at the Liberace Museum.

Oh, if Grant goes to one more buffet.

Gary,

Gary, Gary, I'm a wreck. What are you
doing? It's three o 'clock in the

I gotta talk to somebody, Gary.

What is it?

Keep it down. Grant is sleeping, and if
you wake him up, I'll have to walk him

around till he's tired again. I'm sorry.

Oh, man.

Look, help me, help me. We'll put him in
the bathroom, and then you and I can

talk, all right? Good idea, Gare.

Nice PJs.

Thank you. You have to buy something
when you go to the Liberace Museum.

The audience didn't like that one
either, Leonard.

Okay. Hello, Laverne and Shirley. We
salute you.

What did you do? What's wrong?

Kitty and I had a fight, and she gave me
my ring back.

Why?

Well, she wants to keep working, and I
don't want her to, Gare.

Well, Leonard, you know, what's wrong
with her working anyway? You know, I

have thought you'd have discussed this
prior to now. She'll be on tour all

Gare. And when she's up...

On stage there, all those guys in the
audience are going to be undressing her

with their eyes. Take it easy. When I go
up on stage, women undress me with

their eyes.

They do, too. You're doing it right now.

You're doing it right now. Cut it out.
Come on.

I feel used.

Nothing happens, though. Come on.

You've got to make sacrifices in a
relationship.

That's why I'm not in one.

But what if I'm not willing to make
those sacrifices, Gare?

Look, Leonard, you know, come on. You
just... It's a decision you're going to

have to make on your own.

Help! Help!

Eh, he's all right.

You have to think it over.

Think it over.

All right?

I better pull him out.

Oh, man, I can't believe my...

Mom and Tom Petty are still gambling at
3 .30 in the morning. Do you believe

this? Bubba, Bubba, can you lend me 20
bucks?

20 bucks?

Don't give it to her, Gary. She's a
black hole.

Would you please not tell me how to
gamble? I've been losing at blackjack

before you were born.

She's jealous because I'm up $30 ,000.

Look, did you see Leonard?

Yeah, he went through that.

Okay, I'll be right back, Mom, with the
20 bucks, I swear.

And now it's time to take the second
blade, which is twice as exciting as the

first blade, and put it all the way
through lovely Kitty. Here we go.

Oh!

She loves this trick.

Kitty,

how do you feel?

I feel like I love some sliced bread.

Isn't she fantastic, ladies and
gentlemen?

And now I need a volunteer from the
audience.

Ma 'am, would you like to... I'll do it.

Leonard! Here, Leonard, would you push
the middle section, please?

Kitty, I've been thinking about you all
night. We have to talk.

I don't know, Leonard.

I'm very hurt.

She's only hurt, ladies and gentlemen,
because she's been trisected by blades

made of surgical steel.

Listen, Kitty, let's get the box to
spin. The reason I said what I said...

was because I couldn't stand the thought
of not being with you. I realized I was

wrong to ask you to give all this up. If
I can't have all of you, I'll take

whatever part you can spare.

Oh, no, no. I love you.

Oh!

Where's your ring finger?

Oh, it's over here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

If you would, how about a nice round of
applause for my lovely

assistant, Kitty, and of course, her
fiancé.

Here he is, Leonard. Let's give them
both a great big round of applause.

Well, we're all coming back from Las
Vegas, a little bit older and a little

wiser. And in Tom Petty's case, $200
,000 richer.

Do you believe that?

Way to go, Tom.

Way to go.

Look, look, there's a script in my
magazine.

Oh, there they are, the happy couple.

is about they're just coming back from
the restroom oh well and as luck would

have it mark sweet is on this flight
because he's headed back to los angeles

do a show so under the closing credits
why don't we just watch the magical

styling of mark sweet

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Sandling
show.