Original subtitles

Wow. Nice to see you.

Well, this is just a... I know, you can feel it in the studio here. This is

really an exciting night for us because, well, let's just get right to it. Mayor

Bradley, the mayor of Los Angeles, is in our audience tonight.

here sir and please say hello to your brother milton i love all his games you

know i don't even know why he's here he only likes musical theater i hope that

we can entertain him you know i'm gonna just we're just gonna do the best we can

so let's just get on with our show and we'll see you after the opening theme

okay hit it jerome

Gary, your plumbers have been in there for over 12 hours. What did you throw

down there?

Oh, uh, just a box of donuts fell off the shelf and must have gone in there. I

don't know. I thought they'd float. You know, Nancy and I belong to the same

shirt -of -the -month club.

I'm sorry.

I'll... Hi, Jackie.

Hi. Jackie, what's wrong? You're as white as a goat.

It's Grant.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

Well... He ate his evening meal. He seemed to be all right. But he went to

bedroom and he's been in there all night.

As far as the mayor knows, we sing like this every show.

Well, Jackie, maybe Grant's just sleepy.

I don't think it's fatigue.

He still played Little League.

But he's awkward and preoccupied. Oh, what's my little boy trying to hide?

Oh, well, it certainly can't be the way Mayor Bradley handled the 84 Olympics.

That was top -notch. Jerry, stop. No, you stop it. Look, you're throwing off

Jerome. It sounds like beat the clock.

What is he doing behind that locked door?

I worry he's not my little boy anymore.

His voice is so deep and his body mature.

Those are my singing plumbers.

They cost a little more than the ordinary plumbers, but boy, they have a

set of pipes, don't they?

That's because you are his mom and I am his pappy.

He's a happy pappy.

Class,

we're going to be dissecting frogs today.

And since Mary Braun is out sick, that means that Madeline will need a new lab

partner. Hmm.

Who will it be?

Who will it be?

Who will it be?

Who is the perfect lap partner for me?

Someone to trust in whom I can confide While we work in a room full of

formaldehyde Leo's too thin

Vic is too tall

Would you like to sit over here, Madeline?

Look at this, look at this. I smell love in period three.

Just like the mating frog, this was always meant to be.

I know bio is my subject, but the chemistry is right.

And the French teacher won't mind if there's some amour tonight.

Now the math teacher's certain that someday they'll multiply.

And the lunch lady thinks they go together like ketchup and French fries.

Speaking for the faculty, which I'm a member of, I think we all agree.

It's obvious, don't you see?

learn more about anatomy from you than from some frog.

What do you mean?

Well, don't you think it's time you moved up from frogs?

Well, I know there's a squirrel that's been run over.

No, Grant.

I'm talking about human anatomy.

Why don't you come over tonight and we can read ahead of chapter nine.

Reproduction?

What is it that Madeline expects?

Is it homework or could it be sex?

My glands are confused as can be.

Tell me what's happening to me.

Well,

I can understand why Madeline would have a crush on Grant. Those other kids are

so one -dimensional. I've never...

Seen kids that thin in my life. You could get a paper cut off that kid in

front row.

That girl's a tramp.

I raised the champ.

Your pipes were damp.

I broke the clamp. And now the train is neat.

We even tightened the seat.

Am I the only boy on the globe?

Sitting alone in his robe.

His hormones are out on the spree.

What's happening to me?

Tell me, G .I. Joe, because, gee, I don't know.

Do you talk about this with your troops?

Tell me, Kareem, do you and your team get these tingles when you're shooting

hoops?

I wonder if Madeline knows how much my adrenaline...

To me.

To

me.

Oh, Jackie, I think you can relax.

You don't have to worry about Grant.

He'll wait until the time's right. He'll know, just like we all did, remember?

Well, for me, it was easy.

How could it be anything but easy?

I was in the hands of the maestro himself, Pete Horatio Schumacher.

You can't say Horatio on TV, can you?

Why, I know you can't show it.

Say, uh, Nance, how did you know you were ready?

I woke up and I just said to myself, Nancy, Nancy Bancroft, today is the day.

Just go get them, girl. Go get yourself a man.

It's a great story, but it should be told outdoors.

That's an outdoor... Jerome, don't... You're egging her on, Jerome.

Everybody wants to hear about my first time.

Because my first time is a delightful story, not like I don't need... My first

time was on the beach in Hawaii, and I was...

Jerome, I'm not... I'm not singing.

Bye. Scary.

Come on, just tell us. Well, let's just say that in everyone's life, there's...

A summer of 82.

78.

I meant 78.

76. It was 60.

It was about 70. It was 69.

It was 69 right in 70. June.

Right in June. In the summer.

I couldn't tell what season it was because it wasn't in Hawaii. It was in

Honduras.

I don't know when it was. I blacked out right afterwards. All right?

tell me what's happening to me

okay okay well somebody just

tell grant what's happening to him so we don't have to hear that infernal song

again gary gary would you please

talk to grant oh gee jackie you know you're his parents i'd feel awkward you

know

I know, but, you know, Gary Grant's under a lot of peer pressure lately.

Yeah. And he has a very special relationship with you.

He relates to you as an authority figure, and yet you're on the same

level he is.

Well, I try and keep in touch with the youth of America.

I subscribe to Teen Beat magazine and go to all those back -to -school sales.

So I suppose I could talk to him?

Thanks.

Sure. I'll see what I can do. Okay. I'll let you know.

is a bad sign. A bathrobe and a G .I. Joe.

Not a good sign.

Drum, did you see Grant?

I'll take that as a no.

Mayor, Mayor, no. I can't believe you're still here, Mayor.

Really.

I hope you're having a good time, sir, but did you happen to see Grant

Schumacher?

Oak Street?

Oh, um, Maple Street.

Oh, thank you, Mayor.

Thank you. Remind me, I have some parking tickets for you to take care of.

Hi, Grant.

Hi, Madeline.

Gee, I didn't know 47 Maple Street was a farm. Yeah, my father's a farmer.

Then I guess that would make you the farmer's daughter.

That's right.

The kids have gathered here today to see young Grant go all the

way.

Oh, no.

I forgot my book at home.

Grant. You're not going to be needing a book tonight.

43, 43 Maple... 43 Maple Street. Boy, this is a nice house. This must be

where those one -dimensional kids live.

45 Maple Street.

47. 47 Maple Street. There they are.

Oh, I really hurt myself.

Hey, Leo.

Soleta.

Boy, you know, the more I see these classmates of Grant, the more I can't

understand how he didn't make the football team.

Grant, do you think I'm pretty?

Because even though you're not conventionally handsome...

There's something about you that's very attractive.

Oh, really?

Well, my mom says I'll grow into my looks.

Randy's acting smooth and slick. Do you think he'll do it with that Madeline

chick?

You just giddy -upped over here? Did you giddy -up over here? That must have

been attractive. Why don't you giddy -up back and finish the job? Finish the job

and trot back or something.

Madeline, care for a roll?

Yeah, in the hay.

Oh, God.

Hey, Grant.

Oh, Uncle Gary, will you tell me what's happening to me?

Oh, sure, Grant, sure. Excuse me just a second.

Come with me.

You know,

Look, I know, you know, you're going through a lot of changes in your life.

-huh. And, um... No, I'm not singing, Jerome.

Really. So, and I know that you have to... There are things you don't

understand. No, put a lid on it, really, Jerome. Put a lid on it.

But the thing is...

I'm not singing. I'm not singing.

You know

your emotions are complex.

And you feel you're not ready for sex.

It's your friend telling you how to be.

This is what's happening to...

Do you understand it now, Grant?

I think I understand what you're saying. Good. If you want me to dance a little

more, I'd be happy to. No, no, no, no, please.

Thanks. Sure.

Madeline, I think my Uncle Gary's right.

I think we should wait until we're a little older.

Because if you think I'm unconventionally handsome now, in a few

really look unusual.

Promise.

Madeline, you can bet the farm.

Grant, you got yourself a deal.

Hey, isn't that great? They're going to wait.

Isn't that great? We've got to wait. So for now, Master Grant will have to

master... Master his studies.

Grant will have to master his studies. He and Madeline will just be buddies.

And now since they've listened to me and Nance, come on, everybody, let's square

dance.

Grab your partner, do -si -do.

Thanks for squeezing me into the show.

That should not be taken lightly, and Grant got out of it so politely.

Grant controls the reality that makes him more of a man to me.

Stop the music. Stop the music. I'm taking these kids home. It's a school

Just a minute. Just a minute.

I see the lights coming on the mayor. I think he wants to make an announcement.

There's no school tomorrow.

I declare it.

Grant Schumacher Day in the city of Los Angeles.

Well, you know, that's our show for

tonight.

That's right. And I want to thank the mayor for making this musical possible.

This is as close to deliverance as you'll ever see.

And I just hope you kids out there learn the lessons.

Put sex off until it's the right time. And when you are old enough, have safe

sex, which means don't have it in your plumber, cowboy gun, or Jerome.