Original subtitles

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

This is the theme to Gary's show. The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Stanley show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Gary! Are you sure he's not here?

Listen, Leonard.

I don't know. I'm getting worried. They played the theme twice.

It is a bit worrisome.

Shoo, fly, don't bother me. Shoo, fly, don't bother me. Shoo, fly, don't

bother... Nancy, now, don't panic.

Gary's just a little late, I'm sure. Believe me, everything's going to be

There is a tavern in the town, in the town. And there my dear love sits her

down, sits her down.

Oh,

hey. Hi, Nance. Have you seen Baba?

I mean, he was supposed to meet me for lunch. No, we haven't seen him. We've

been looking for him ourselves.

I don't know. Well, that's just not like him at all.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. It's Tuesday.

Yeah.

Benedict, it's Nancy Bancroft. Yeah, fine, thanks. Is Gary still there?

Class.

Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.

Could we please stop dancing? It's Gary's friend on the phone.

No?

Nancy, Gary never showed up for tap class today. I'm worried.

He isn't mad at me, is he?

Oh, don't be silly, Benedict.

Gary thinks I'm silly?

Don't start, Benedict.

Yeah, thanks very much. Bye -bye.

Well, he's not there.

Oh, man.

You can call it mother's intuition if you want to, but I have this feeling

something terrible has happened.

Hey, everybody. What's doing?

Oh, hi, you guys. Have you seen Gary?

No. Isn't he here? The three of us were going to shoot some hoops. Yeah, and he

said that he would treat us to some ice cream if we made any.

We can't find Bubba.

What? Yeah, no one has any idea where he is.

Hey, I think I see his kite.

Is it the box kite with the red tail?

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Oh, I should have known. I should have known he forgets everything when he

that kite.

He just loves the wind in his hair and the sun in his face. Oh, and the

grass in his toes.

Hey, guys.

Well, the workmen got deported before they could finish the found.

It's the words of Uncle Gary.

Hey, Leonard, is it my imagination or does it look like that kite is sailing

away? Baba, I know you're hiding from me. Now, come out of there. Oh, my God.

He's down.

just tuning in, Gary Shanling was discovered by friends to have fallen

23 -foot hole in the quad area of his Sherman Oaks home. And it is yet to be

determined whether or not the 38 -year -old comic is still alive.

Officer, look, we've got to get all these people back and clear this area.

them home. We need the whole area to work. Oh, no. No, no, I am not leaving.

That's my son down there. Ruth, Ruth, it's a good idea. The rescue squad is

asking that everyone move away from the site so that they can get on with the

arduous task of removing the fallen 38 -year -old.

Hurry up with that drill, okay? This guy's not moving. Now, let's go.

Okay, here we are.

Everything's going to be all right, Ruth.

the possibility of it caving in on him. We'll keep you updated as the situation

warrants. Now back to our movie, already in progress.

I know they're doing everything they possibly

can. And Bubba's going to be just fine. That's exactly

what he's going to be fine.

Maybe something good will come out of this.

That's exactly what might come out of all this. Some good.

What

good

could come out of Uncle Gary falling down a hole? Oh, my God.

He's too young. He's too young. He doesn't understand the rabbit. He's too

young. He's too young.

Grant is too young.

Of course he is.

But he is certainly growing up to be a very handsome young man. Oh, he's a good

-looking guy, Grant. Good boy.

Much like me when I was a lad.

Back in Sherman Oaks, where the rescue squad is just about ready to lower our

camera, which will answer the question, did Gary Shandling, the 38 -year -old

comic, survive his tragic plunge down this 23 -foot hole?

To try to speak to her son

Where am I, Mom?

You're in a hole, dear.

Oh, that's what I was afraid of.

Everybody's here.

Hi, Gary!

The question still remains, how could a guy that old not see

a hole that big?

Is that Diana Lewis up there?

What, dear?

Is that Diana Lewis?

Yeah, then tell her not to make fun of me.

Hi, you guys. I'm really... You guys who came to see the show.

I'm really sorry. I missed the monologue and... Why are the legs behind my back

right now?

That's right. If I ever get out of here, you won't be able to tell if I'm coming

or going.

Good thing I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Anyway, sorry I missed the monologue.

I missed half -claps.

And, you know, Benedict would be really proud of me now that I'm finally able to

get the fifth position here.

Yo, Jack!

You hit a gas pipe!

Okay, look!

Everybody, clear the areas and back to the top of the slide!

I smell gas.

I smell...

You know, it's a methane. It's definitely a methane.

No, no, it's not a propane.

I know gas, and this is definitely a nice methane, because methane's a little

fruitier.

Not presumptuous, yet very, very naughty.

Oh, boy, not like... It's a nice Napa Valley gas.

Not like one of those cheap French gases they use to make crepes.

Of the essence, they must get Shanley out of the hole before the gas has any

effect on the 38 -year -old Comet.

Oh, man, I'm really starting to feel lightheaded.

My whole body's starting to feel lightheaded.

It's starting to feel like the 60s down here.

Oh, I hope I pass out before I say, hmm, this gas goes good with fish.

Oh, man, where am I?

Hello, Gary.

Welcome to hell.

Hell? Oh, they must have found my naked playing cards.

this with all the comedians when they first get here. You should have seen the

expression on Bennett Cerf's face.

You see, I'm here to welcome you to heaven. Oh, heaven.

It's heaven.

Oh, gee.

I thought heaven would look more realistic.

Not like Jimmy Swaggart's house.

Is Grandpa here? No, he's at the track.

Great grace today.

Ruffian against man o' war.

Oh, gee, there must be a dead heat joke in there somewhere, huh, Grandma?

That's why you're here.

Oh, what's this stage over here? Oh, well, that's where your life flashes

your eyes.

You're kidding. Mm -hmm.

Well, who are all these people?

Critics. They make the final judgment.

Oh, no, just what I was afraid of. I'm as good as dead, really, because see

guy in the white hair?

Really wrecked me over the cold one night in Cleveland.

Push, Mrs. Shandling, push.

I remember those words. That's my bird.

Come on, Mrs. Shandling, push.

I won't give him up. He is mine.

Please. Ten and a half months is more than enough time.

I will never give him up, so you just go away and leave us alone.

Thank goodness they got a court order. to get me out of there. Otherwise, it

would have had to send in the SWAT team.

The main export of Guatemala is bananas. Oh, I remember this. Here comes my

first joke.

And speaking of bananas, have you ever stolen one from a grocery store?

It's easy.

Stick it in your pants.

And what are they going to do? Stop you and ask, is that a banana in your pants?

And if they do, just say, thank you.

That's when you lost your virginity to that Norwegian waitress.

Oh, that's right. I called you afterward.

Oh, man, I didn't know I was going to have to take your full weight.

Oh, that was a beautiful, beautiful moment that

I'll never forget.

Oh, and this happened today.

Here I am flying my kite.

Isn't it a pretty sight?

Oh, on the ground, look at that.

I see a little kitty cat.

Oh, he fell into a hole.

I better save the little soul.

I'm going to get him out of there.

By the way, how's my hair?

Good life.

It's pathetic.

Get out of here and don't come back till you have something to show for

yourself. You mean I get to go and live again?

Yes, and I hope you've learned something.

Oh, I have, Grandma. This brush with death has taught me never to take life

granted. No, Bubba.

Just never fly your kite where they're digging a hole.

Oh, gosh, you're so much wiser than my other grandmother.

Oh, she's here, too.

You're kidding. And she killed a cop.

Boy, they've really lowered their standards, haven't they, Grandma?

Well, anyway, it's great to see you.

Godspeed, Gary Shandley. Thanks, Grandma.

See you next year.

What do you mean, next year, Grandma?

Am I going to die?

Oh, no, no.

I'm coming back as a pony.

Oh, that is such good news. As a pony. Well, I'll have my picture taken on you.

Isn't that going to be fun?

Yes.

He made fun of me while I was in the hall.

All right. Come this way.

All right. Come on, Johnny. Come to our letter.

All right.

All right, Johnny. All right.

Oh, I thought I was gone again. Right then, I thought.

We were worried enough. Sit down over here. We're going to take a break. Okay,

we're going to sit on the couch. No, not the couch. The couch.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, no, the chair. The chair. Oh, of course, the chair.

Easy.

No, no, no.

Tina Louise's house.

The couch. No, no, no.

Let's go to Tina Louise's house.

No, come on. I'm hurt bad enough. Come on, bud.

And my hair will look perfect. My hair always looks perfect.

Can I have a pillow?

Oh, you bet. You bet.

Thanks. Oh, beautiful. There you go.

All right. Oh,

I thought I was falling down in between the chair and the sofa.

You're fine.

You're home.

Oh, can the people at home see up my nose?

Oh, Nance.

I was so scared.

Yeah.

Where are all the gifts and the flowers that all the well -wishers sent?

The gifts and flowers?

There aren't any.

There aren't any? No. Will the president call?

President of what?

President of the United States called.

Well, no. Why would he?

Well, I don't know. He called when baby Jessica fell in that hole.

No, Gary. Maybe the Secretary of Defense called somebody. No, Gary.

a tragedy involving a two -year -old child, and let's face it, you're a 38

-old adult.

You know, I think even the president knows you should have known better.

Gar, the important thing is that you're feeling good now, right? Yeah, I'm

pretty good, yeah. Because I've been thinking about something. You know,

long, lonely hours you spent down in that cold, damp hole there, they didn't

make you feel the slightest bit.

litigious or anything, did they?

Should I be insulted?

Yes. Is he pulling a Diane Lewis on me?

I have to get this over with. I've taken the liberty of drawing up these papers

here. It's just a completely standard agreement indemnifying the Condo

Association from lawsuits arising from any tenant mishaps or anything like

I've signed a million of them.

Don't you sign this. Don't you sign this. No, I'll sign it under one

Under one condition.

What is it, Gary? Anything you want. Okay. I want a stable put on the grass.

Stable.

Uh, Bubba?

Uh, why a stable?

Why? Because, good news, Mom, Grandma's coming home next year.

Grandma's coming.

That's right. Next year.

Grandma's coming.

That's right. Oh, dear, you'll feel better. Remember to get a beer. You'll

better tomorrow when you get a little rest.

Yeah, and get your, oh, yeah, remember to get a beer. I mean, to get a double

padlock.

You know, I just want to say goodnight to everybody and remind you that the

was really no indictment against kite flying whatsoever. It's a fine and

sport and keeps kids off the streets.

Well, sort of.

So I'll see you all next week and really just remember what we learned tonight,

everybody. Don't fly a kite where they're what?

Digging a hole.

Oh, kitty, kitty.

I gotta get kitty kitty.

Hope you enjoyed it, Gary Chandling.