All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s02e11_the_soccer_show

Thanks. Thanks.

Well, welcome to the show.

And... No, I really mean it, because
just the fact that you're here is enough

make the whole thing worthwhile.

Boy, I sure have learned how to kiss up
to an audience, haven't I?

Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
What is this silver thing hanging around

neck? Well, it's a musical instrument
that I learned how to play when I was

little. Because my folks wouldn't let me
play like a trumpet or drums or

anything. So I got a whistle.

Yeah, well, it's a lot more romantic to
women than that starter gun that I used

to play.

And, you know, it's going to come in
really handy because actually the deal

I'm going to be the new coach on Little
Grant Schumacher's soccer team this

week. Yeah.

That's right, that's the story.

But I'm a little nervous about it. You
know, they wouldn't let the fathers

because these guys can't be impartial,
so they had to come to a single guy, of

course. And this will be my little way
to spend more time with kids, so I'm

of excited about it because all my
friends are having kids, and I kind of

what it's like. My best friend lives in
Palm Springs, and he has a baby, and he

said... Gary, why don't you come and
visit us, and the baby will sleep with

and you can sleep in the baby's room.

Yeah. Has anybody slept in a crib
lately?

It's really, you know, I was up all
night playing with that mobile, because

are fascinating after a couple beers.
Trust me on this.

So, why don't we start the opening
theme, and, you know, I can play my

along with the theme.

where it's called for, and then I'll see
you in 41 seconds.

Okay? Ready, set, warm up.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway through.

How do you like it so far? How do you
like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This is the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.

Those lessons I took a long time ago
really paid off, didn't they?

Really, I'll play Flight of the
Bumblebee for you a little later.

As soon as I get some feeling back in my
lips. Really. Hey, coach.

Ready to go?

Oh, hey, guys. Yeah, just about.

Are you excited?

Well, you know, I'm a little nervous
about this, but it'll work out. Oh, now,

you don't have to be nervous. No, the
kids are going to love you. And don't

forget, you were a great soccer player
yourself. Well, yeah, yeah, I was. I'm

actually one of those ex -jocks who was
lucky enough to get his own series, you

know, like Fred Dreyer and Merlin Olsen
and Bea Arthur and Betty White. Yeah,

oh, Betty was great in The Ring. Do you
remember that? Boy, oh, boy.

I still picture her in shorts most of
the time, quite frankly.

Gary, just because Grant is a super
athlete, don't feel that you have to

him preferential treatment. Yeah. Oh,
that takes a lot of pressure off me,

Thanks. Thanks a lot. No problem, Gary.
Hey, look, Grant is waiting in the car.

Let's go. Come on, Gary. Let's go.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm going to walk. Are you sure? Oh,
yeah.

Gary, I'm driving over in the new Volvo
station wagon. Please don't start with

this again.

It's not even new.

It's four years old.

Take the window sticker off it, Pete.
You're not fooling anybody, all right?

Seriously. Oh, yeah?

Okay, I fooled you. Oh, yeah. It's six
years old. I bought it used, and it's a

Honda.

All right, you fooled me a little.

Well, we'll see you over at the field,
Gary. Okay, see you guys. See you guys.

Fooled you.

Fooled me. Pete gets excited at the
silliest things, doesn't he?

Well, let's go this way, you know,
because Pete has one of those little

evergreen air fresheners hanging from
his rearview mirror.

But it's just not the same as the real
thing. So let's go through these woods.

Come on.

Boy,

is this a great set or what?

Look at this. It looks like we're
outdoors.

This is an unbelievable job our art
department does. I mean, there's the

There's a car that actually looks like
it's moving. Can you see that?

I don't know how they do this stuff
myself. I'm serious.

There's a breeze coming in from the west
side of the studio.

This is great.

Well, here we go, huh?

Which ones are the kids?

The smaller ones?

All right, just checking. Always want to
be sure.

All right, guys, come on over here. Hey,
how you guys doing?

Hey, hey.

Hey, that's a joke, coach. No, no, no,
no jokes today. We're here to play

soccer, all right? So, come on.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Let's
spread out and have a great day. What do

you say?

Come on, let's go.

All right.

All right.

Okay, maybe just one joke, huh?

All right, all right. You guys ever go
fishing and you're in the boat and

trolling but you're going way too fast
and you look back and the worm is water

skiing? All right, let's go now. That's
it. Here we go, here we go.

All right, one more, one more. No, no,
no, no. I'm just kidding, just kidding,

just kidding.

All right, let's do some drills.

Okay, Floyd, let's show four eyes there
how it's really done.

Yeah, please. Huh?

What? Come on.

Hey, Floyd!

Look over there!

You proud of yourself, you son of a
bitch?

Hey, who the hell are you calling a son
of a bitch?

Ooh, big man here has to distract my
boy, so his tub of puppy shit might...

You ridiculous, kinky -haired little
shithook.

the players' dads must be in the stands.

This is the worst first day a coach has
ever had. I'm telling you. I should just

coach for an orphanage.

That's right. Then at least, that's
where I belong. Then I won't have to

parents mad at me. I won't have to deal
with the whole situation. No, no, Gary.

I think that would be a big mistake.

No, I'm serious.

Now listen to this.

Then you would be dealing with nuns and
priests.

Yes, and if you lost the game, they
could send you straight to hell.

Well, you know, it might be a better
option. Hey, Nance. Hey, Uncle Gary.

Oh, hey, Grant.

Hey, how you doing?

Uncle Gary?

Yeah.

Could you draw me a warm bath?

A warm bath?

a boy in his coat. No, no, I need you
this time.

Oh, Grant, why do you need a warm bath?

Well, you know what? At home, after a
bad day, my dad usually gives me a warm

bath. It helps relax me. And it really
helps put things in perspective. I can't

hear you. But I'm mad at my dad. Just go
ahead. Just go get in the tub. I can't

hear this.

I don't remember hearing anything about
a warm bath in the playbook.

Come on, you guys go with me. Come on.

It's a state law. Come on in here.

That's right. What? I happen to have my
tub on a timer. So what?

Yeah, I'm the sucker who buys everything
from the sharper image catalog, you

know? I was stupid enough to spring for
the bucks for the bulletproof toilet

seat.

You know, in Europe, you can show naked
people on TV.

God bless America.

Well, Grant, you look good.

So, uh, now, what's on your mind, Grant?

You know, I didn't exactly have the
greatest day today, Uncle Gary. Well,

you know, it was the first day. I'm sure
it's going to get a lot better.

Coming!

I'll come right back, I swear. Okay.

No, no, don't touch my brush.

See what happens?

They're very delicate.

Boy,

I wonder if Mike Ditka has to bathe Jim
McMahon.

Yeah, yeah.

Makes you wonder what you gotta do to be
coach of the year, doesn't it?

What are you guys doing here?

to talk to you about what happened
today.

Is it all right?

Oh, sure, sure. Come on into the
bathroom.

No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Grant's
already in there. We're already talking

about it.

I'm going to have to go pull out my roll
-away tub.

All right, you guys, just have a seat,
huh?

There you go.

Boy, you think it's crowded in here now?
You should be here on Hawaiian night.

Oh, man.

All right, guys, look, it's been a very
weird first day, all right?

Coach, it was the worst.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know, your
fathers were, uh...

Kind of a big headache out there, but...
Look, you guys, uh... If you want to be

winners, you gotta... If

you guys want to be winners, you're
gonna have to overcome a lot of

including overexcited fathers, you know?

I mean, you guys gotta play for
yourselves, not for somebody else.

Go out there and do it...

For you guys.

If you're going to play for your
fathers, you may as well quit.

Coach Gary's right.

You understand? That's right.

dance in your tub?

Well, look,

I just thought maybe a hot bath and some
classical music would really help me

feel better. You know, it's been a bad
day. I mean, coaching the first day and

losing the whole team?

Maybe a good book.

That's all I need, and then I'll feel a
little better.

Uncle, is he feeling any better?

No.

Mrs. Henderson has to keep it down.
She's a librarian, you know.

Thank you, Mrs. Henderson, the
Encyclopedia of Medicine, Surgery, and

Specialties.

Perfect. Watch that carpet, Mrs.
Henderson. You'll be fired.

You should have seen how messy my stacks
were, you know, before I hired a

librarian.

So, so there you are.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, pal.

Hey, fellas, come here. I found them.
Come on in.

Come on. Hey, what's going on? Hiding
out of the tub, huh, coach? Why the hell

did you tell the kids to quit the soccer
team? Yeah, what the hell kind of coach

are you?

Hold it.

First of all, just spread a little bit
right here, guys.

Would you just move out of the way?
Right here. Just make a little path.

A little path right here so my friends
can see me. Thank you.

You know, let me just say this. Maybe
you guys didn't see the sign on the

This happens to be my bathroom, all
right? It's a place of cleanliness, a

of meditation, and occasionally
research.

Sorry. So just don't act like that in
here. Sorry, Gary.

I'm a little upset.

You know, and second of all, your kids
didn't quit because of me. They quit

because of you.

They quit because you put so much
pressure on them that they aren't having

fun.

I mean, come on. Maybe you're just
trying to live your childhoods through

kids.

Never thought of that.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe you should think about it. You
know, and that's just one theory.

There's a lot of material on this.

Miss Henderson.

This will just take ten minutes or so
for her to get out of here. There you

Would you lift Miss Henderson by? Miss
Henderson, would you please show these

gentlemen to the psychology section?
There's plenty of material there on

parental pressure.

Take it home.

Enjoy it.

There's a copy machine next to the
hamper, okay?

Now get out of here. I'm taking a bath.

Gary, I just hope that we can talk the
boys into playing again. Well, I hope

can too, Pete.

Excuse me.

Was Mrs. Henderson looking in the tub
when she came by?

For those of you in my American
audience, I'll see you in the next

For those of you in my European
audience...

everything they were supposed to. They
read the books. And Pete even made a

report. And so I think that... Well,
Gary, a little help?

Oh, sure, Grant. I'll get it.

Thank goodness I don't live next to a
racetrack.

I think that I learned a couple things
tonight. Everything went great. I think

learned that when I'm ready, I just hope
I have kids, not adults.

And I also learned that I think we could
have world peace if we could just get

Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev into
the same bathroom.

Think about it. That's where everything
happens. I don't mean just any bathroom.

I mean my bathroom, you know.

And by the way, gentlemen, the
invitation is there.

It's your move now.

I'll see you all next week. Good night,
everybody.

Coming around.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Stanley show.