Original subtitles

Thanks. Thanks.

Well, welcome to the show.

And... No, I really mean it, because just the fact that you're here is enough

make the whole thing worthwhile.

Boy, I sure have learned how to kiss up to an audience, haven't I?

Anyway, I know what you're thinking. What is this silver thing hanging around

neck? Well, it's a musical instrument that I learned how to play when I was

little. Because my folks wouldn't let me play like a trumpet or drums or

anything. So I got a whistle.

Yeah, well, it's a lot more romantic to women than that starter gun that I used

to play.

And, you know, it's going to come in really handy because actually the deal

I'm going to be the new coach on Little Grant Schumacher's soccer team this

week. Yeah.

That's right, that's the story.

But I'm a little nervous about it. You know, they wouldn't let the fathers

because these guys can't be impartial, so they had to come to a single guy, of

course. And this will be my little way to spend more time with kids, so I'm

of excited about it because all my friends are having kids, and I kind of

what it's like. My best friend lives in Palm Springs, and he has a baby, and he

said... Gary, why don't you come and visit us, and the baby will sleep with

and you can sleep in the baby's room.

Yeah. Has anybody slept in a crib lately?

It's really, you know, I was up all night playing with that mobile, because

are fascinating after a couple beers. Trust me on this.

So, why don't we start the opening theme, and, you know, I can play my

along with the theme.

where it's called for, and then I'll see you in 41 seconds.

Okay? Ready, set, warm up.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway through.

How do you like it so far? How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This is the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Those lessons I took a long time ago really paid off, didn't they?

Really, I'll play Flight of the Bumblebee for you a little later.

As soon as I get some feeling back in my lips. Really. Hey, coach.

Ready to go?

Oh, hey, guys. Yeah, just about.

Are you excited?

Well, you know, I'm a little nervous about this, but it'll work out. Oh, now,

you don't have to be nervous. No, the kids are going to love you. And don't

forget, you were a great soccer player yourself. Well, yeah, yeah, I was. I'm

actually one of those ex -jocks who was lucky enough to get his own series, you

know, like Fred Dreyer and Merlin Olsen and Bea Arthur and Betty White. Yeah,

oh, Betty was great in The Ring. Do you remember that? Boy, oh, boy.

I still picture her in shorts most of the time, quite frankly.

Gary, just because Grant is a super athlete, don't feel that you have to

him preferential treatment. Yeah. Oh, that takes a lot of pressure off me,

Thanks. Thanks a lot. No problem, Gary. Hey, look, Grant is waiting in the car.

Let's go. Come on, Gary. Let's go.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm going to walk. Are you sure? Oh, yeah.

Gary, I'm driving over in the new Volvo station wagon. Please don't start with

this again.

It's not even new.

It's four years old.

Take the window sticker off it, Pete. You're not fooling anybody, all right?

Seriously. Oh, yeah?

Okay, I fooled you. Oh, yeah. It's six years old. I bought it used, and it's a

Honda.

All right, you fooled me a little.

Well, we'll see you over at the field, Gary. Okay, see you guys. See you guys.

Fooled you.

Fooled me. Pete gets excited at the silliest things, doesn't he?

Well, let's go this way, you know, because Pete has one of those little

evergreen air fresheners hanging from his rearview mirror.

But it's just not the same as the real thing. So let's go through these woods.

Come on.

Boy,

is this a great set or what?

Look at this. It looks like we're outdoors.

This is an unbelievable job our art department does. I mean, there's the

There's a car that actually looks like it's moving. Can you see that?

I don't know how they do this stuff myself. I'm serious.

There's a breeze coming in from the west side of the studio.

This is great.

Well, here we go, huh?

Which ones are the kids?

The smaller ones?

All right, just checking. Always want to be sure.

All right, guys, come on over here. Hey, how you guys doing?

Hey, hey.

Hey, that's a joke, coach. No, no, no, no jokes today. We're here to play

soccer, all right? So, come on.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Let's spread out and have a great day. What do

you say?

Come on, let's go.

All right.

All right.

Okay, maybe just one joke, huh?

All right, all right. You guys ever go fishing and you're in the boat and

trolling but you're going way too fast and you look back and the worm is water

skiing? All right, let's go now. That's it. Here we go, here we go.

All right, one more, one more. No, no, no, no. I'm just kidding, just kidding,

just kidding.

All right, let's do some drills.

Okay, Floyd, let's show four eyes there how it's really done.

Yeah, please. Huh?

What? Come on.

Hey, Floyd!

Look over there!

You proud of yourself, you son of a bitch?

Hey, who the hell are you calling a son of a bitch?

Ooh, big man here has to distract my boy, so his tub of puppy shit might...

You ridiculous, kinky -haired little shithook.

the players' dads must be in the stands.

This is the worst first day a coach has ever had. I'm telling you. I should just

coach for an orphanage.

That's right. Then at least, that's where I belong. Then I won't have to

parents mad at me. I won't have to deal with the whole situation. No, no, Gary.

I think that would be a big mistake.

No, I'm serious.

Now listen to this.

Then you would be dealing with nuns and priests.

Yes, and if you lost the game, they could send you straight to hell.

Well, you know, it might be a better option. Hey, Nance. Hey, Uncle Gary.

Oh, hey, Grant.

Hey, how you doing?

Uncle Gary?

Yeah.

Could you draw me a warm bath?

A warm bath?

a boy in his coat. No, no, I need you this time.

Oh, Grant, why do you need a warm bath?

Well, you know what? At home, after a bad day, my dad usually gives me a warm

bath. It helps relax me. And it really helps put things in perspective. I can't

hear you. But I'm mad at my dad. Just go ahead. Just go get in the tub. I can't

hear this.

I don't remember hearing anything about a warm bath in the playbook.

Come on, you guys go with me. Come on.

It's a state law. Come on in here.

That's right. What? I happen to have my tub on a timer. So what?

Yeah, I'm the sucker who buys everything from the sharper image catalog, you

know? I was stupid enough to spring for the bucks for the bulletproof toilet

seat.

You know, in Europe, you can show naked people on TV.

God bless America.

Well, Grant, you look good.

So, uh, now, what's on your mind, Grant?

You know, I didn't exactly have the greatest day today, Uncle Gary. Well,

you know, it was the first day. I'm sure it's going to get a lot better.

Coming!

I'll come right back, I swear. Okay.

No, no, don't touch my brush.

See what happens?

They're very delicate.

Boy,

I wonder if Mike Ditka has to bathe Jim McMahon.

Yeah, yeah.

Makes you wonder what you gotta do to be coach of the year, doesn't it?

What are you guys doing here?

to talk to you about what happened today.

Is it all right?

Oh, sure, sure. Come on into the bathroom.

No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Grant's already in there. We're already talking

about it.

I'm going to have to go pull out my roll -away tub.

All right, you guys, just have a seat, huh?

There you go.

Boy, you think it's crowded in here now? You should be here on Hawaiian night.

Oh, man.

All right, guys, look, it's been a very weird first day, all right?

Coach, it was the worst.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know, your fathers were, uh...

Kind of a big headache out there, but... Look, you guys, uh... If you want to be

winners, you gotta... If

you guys want to be winners, you're gonna have to overcome a lot of

including overexcited fathers, you know?

I mean, you guys gotta play for yourselves, not for somebody else.

Go out there and do it...

For you guys.

If you're going to play for your fathers, you may as well quit.

Coach Gary's right.

You understand? That's right.

dance in your tub?

Well, look,

I just thought maybe a hot bath and some classical music would really help me

feel better. You know, it's been a bad day. I mean, coaching the first day and

losing the whole team?

Maybe a good book.

That's all I need, and then I'll feel a little better.

Uncle, is he feeling any better?

No.

Mrs. Henderson has to keep it down. She's a librarian, you know.

Thank you, Mrs. Henderson, the Encyclopedia of Medicine, Surgery, and

Specialties.

Perfect. Watch that carpet, Mrs. Henderson. You'll be fired.

You should have seen how messy my stacks were, you know, before I hired a

librarian.

So, so there you are.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, pal.

Hey, fellas, come here. I found them. Come on in.

Come on. Hey, what's going on? Hiding out of the tub, huh, coach? Why the hell

did you tell the kids to quit the soccer team? Yeah, what the hell kind of coach

are you?

Hold it.

First of all, just spread a little bit right here, guys.

Would you just move out of the way? Right here. Just make a little path.

A little path right here so my friends can see me. Thank you.

You know, let me just say this. Maybe you guys didn't see the sign on the

This happens to be my bathroom, all right? It's a place of cleanliness, a

of meditation, and occasionally research.

Sorry. So just don't act like that in here. Sorry, Gary.

I'm a little upset.

You know, and second of all, your kids didn't quit because of me. They quit

because of you.

They quit because you put so much pressure on them that they aren't having

fun.

I mean, come on. Maybe you're just trying to live your childhoods through

kids.

Never thought of that.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe you should think about it. You know, and that's just one theory.

There's a lot of material on this.

Miss Henderson.

This will just take ten minutes or so for her to get out of here. There you

Would you lift Miss Henderson by? Miss Henderson, would you please show these

gentlemen to the psychology section? There's plenty of material there on

parental pressure.

Take it home.

Enjoy it.

There's a copy machine next to the hamper, okay?

Now get out of here. I'm taking a bath.

Gary, I just hope that we can talk the boys into playing again. Well, I hope

can too, Pete.

Excuse me.

Was Mrs. Henderson looking in the tub when she came by?

For those of you in my American audience, I'll see you in the next

For those of you in my European audience...

everything they were supposed to. They read the books. And Pete even made a

report. And so I think that... Well, Gary, a little help?

Oh, sure, Grant. I'll get it.

Thank goodness I don't live next to a racetrack.

I think that I learned a couple things tonight. Everything went great. I think

learned that when I'm ready, I just hope I have kids, not adults.

And I also learned that I think we could have world peace if we could just get

Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev into the same bathroom.

Think about it. That's where everything happens. I don't mean just any bathroom.

I mean my bathroom, you know.

And by the way, gentlemen, the invitation is there.

It's your move now.

I'll see you all next week. Good night, everybody.

Coming around.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Stanley show.