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I... I... Thanks. Well, welcome to the
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show. And there's not much of a
monologue tonight because...
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I'm actually really excited.
4
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Well, I know you're disappointed. I've
never seen such a disappointed reaction.
5
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It slid right by you.
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Monologue? Not do a monologue? Oh,
honey, let's get out of here.
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I'm actually excited because I got a new
stereo VCR.
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Well,
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you're laughing at the wrong places.
10
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It's just a video recorder. I got this
stereo TV because I love...
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Stereo television. I mean, isn't it the
best, really?
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Yeah, it's... You never do really say,
it's not in stereo, why waste our time,
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do you?
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But I like watching Password in stereo,
because it's like, Betty White sounds
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like she's over here, and, you know,
Jamie Farr sounds like he's way over
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Bert Convy comes right out of both
speakers, right at you.
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And so then this way, I can now tape my
stereo programs and play them later at
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parties, because I have a lot of
really... Okay.
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I really don't have any. I don't like
parties, if the truth be known. It's
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really to the point now, if I'm not
invited, I don't even go.
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So, the deal is, this is my place.
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And, you know, Grant is...
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This is a wonderful angle I have on
Grant. You know, little Grant is helping
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install the video recorder because he's
really an electronics whiz. And so then
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I promised him as a reward for helping
me install this that I would take him
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anywhere he wants to go on Saturday, in
the car. You know, he loves going in the
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car. I crack the window down a little
and he sticks his head out.
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And the wind hits him in the face and,
you know, it's adorable.
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He thinks he's people, really.
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So, uh, now how much longer is this
gonna take, Grant? Oh, cool your jets,
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Gary. It'll be ready when it's ready.
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Sure he's got a hot temper.
33
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You know, I hope he uses his genius for
good, not evil.
34
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Uncle Gary, do you have any coaxial
crimpers?
35
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Oh, you know, I got some. I got a lot of
crimpers next to my bed.
36
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:58,020
But I don't think any of them are
coaxial. It's got to be coaxial. It's
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be coaxial. Okay, well, you know what
I'll do? I'll go over to Solomon's
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Hardware Store and pick some up. Okay,
okay. It's about a two -minute walk from
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here.
40
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I hate to leave you hanging for two
minutes right in the middle of the show.
41
00:03:10,050 --> 00:03:13,810
Well, you know what? We can run the
opening theme. That's 41 seconds.
42
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And I'll run instead of walk, and I'll
be back in 41 seconds.
43
00:03:18,390 --> 00:03:20,030
So you won't be alone, okay?
44
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You time me. Ready, set, go.
45
00:03:26,990 --> 00:03:28,850
This is the theme to Gary's show.
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The theme to Gary's show.
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Gary called me up and asked if I would
write his theme song.
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I'm almost halfway finished. How do you
like it so far? How do you like the
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theme to Gary's show?
50
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:46,480
This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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We're almost in the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch this
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Shandling show.
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This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.
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How close was I?
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I'm really sorry that took me a little
longer than the opening theme.
57
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Solomon's was out of crimpers and I had
to run down to the downtown store.
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How's it going, Grant?
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Oh, all right. Why?
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Why are you posing like you're in GQ?
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Oh, I don't know.
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I guess I'm just a cool guy.
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Would it have anything to do with the
fact that there's a hole in the wall?
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There's a beautiful, huge hole in the
wall, Grant. Look, I'm sorry.
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I just, I guess I yanked the cable too
hard.
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Oh, yeah, Grant always forgets about his
superhuman strength.
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00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:07,580
You know, one time he actually sat in a
chair and it broke.
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00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,440
Grant, it goes all the way through.
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To the next apartment.
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Hey, Mr.
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Sparks.
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Hey, I'm Gary Shandling, your next -door
neighbor.
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What is this hole doing here?
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Well, I'll come right over and explain
it to you. No, you won't.
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I don't want you to break anything in
here. I'll come over there.
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Right -o.
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Well, all right. This will be good.
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Oh, boy, what a crotchety old coot.
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Hey, come on, Grant. That's no way to
talk to older people, you know? They're
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very wise and they have a lot to offer.
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Who do you think that is?
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Hey.
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Mr. Sparks, really, it's good to see
you. You know, it's funny that this
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had to happen for us to really get to
know each other, isn't it? This is
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00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:04,720
a godsend. I already know who you are.
86
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:07,650
I hear you talking to yourself all the
time.
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00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,590
Your car is always parked over the line
in my parking space.
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And I know that you steal the comics out
of my paper every Sunday.
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You know, Mary Worth isn't in the
recycler.
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00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:21,630
So... Okay.
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00:06:22,370 --> 00:06:23,970
Now, what the hell happened to my wall?
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Okay. Well, it's really nothing. You
know, and I was putting in this VCR.
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you know, the walls are very thin to
begin with in the apartment.
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So...
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Okay, well, he did it. He did it.
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I can't believe it myself, Mr. Sparks. I
was out at the hardware store, and I
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came back. What did you do? What did you
do?
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Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Sparks. I was just
hooking up Uncle Gary's stereo VCR for
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him, and I yanked the cable, and I
didn't know... Wait, wait, wait, wait,
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wait. Wait a minute here.
101
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He was doing your work, and you're
blaming him?
102
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Well, yeah. Can you believe it?
103
00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:05,490
Chandling, you're a bigger ass than I
thought.
104
00:07:05,870 --> 00:07:06,870
Oh, yeah, Mr.
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Sparks. All right.
106
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You know, Grant, why don't you just run
along and I'll see you Saturday, okay?
107
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,309
Okay. Yeah.
108
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I want to talk to Mr. Sparks. It was
nice meeting you, Mr. Sparks. Mm -hmm.
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Bye. See you again. You know, Mr.
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Sparks, look,
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I can take care of the whole. I know
you're a little upset about it, but all
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00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,450
right, look.
113
00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:30,310
Why don't we just say three days have
passed.
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I've had the whole fix, and it's as good
as new.
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Okay? That's it.
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You see?
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Here,
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thank you very much. Great job. Good
job.
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It's all fixed up, and three days flew
by like that.
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Three days, huh? Yeah.
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Terrific, Shanling.
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I missed my medication.
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00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:58,740
Well, you know, hey.
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laughter's the best medicine, Mr.
Sparks. Let me tell you some of my
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jokes. You know, come on, just one
maybe. You know, have you ever heard the
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00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,620
about... Oh, hi, Mr. Sparks. Hi, Nancy.
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00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:11,679
Oh, hey, Nan.
128
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,700
Oh, so you ready for our trip, Uncle
Gary?
129
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,780
For our trip? Oh, Jesus. Time really
flies on this show, doesn't it?
130
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,540
Uh, yeah, where do you want to go? Do
you know?
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Yeah, I want to go to Shandling Land.
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Oh, Shandling Land.
133
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It's a real blast.
134
00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:32,780
Yeah, yeah, and that's exactly what's
wrong with it. You know, when I lent my
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name to that amusement park, I thought
there'd be a lot more than just thrill
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rides. I thought it'd be educational,
too. You know, like the Epcot Center.
137
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Or like the University of Colorado.
138
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:47,020
Oh, come on, Uncle Peter. Come on, Gary.
Come on, Gary. Come on. Oh, all right.
139
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You always get me with that one.
140
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Oh, can Mr. Sparks come, too? No, no,
no.
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I don't think that's a good idea at all.
No, no, no, no. I think that... Shows
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how much you know, Shanley. I would love
to go. Terrific. All right, Mr. Sparks
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is coming. All right, then.
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With the following conditions.
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You are not to go on any rides with me.
You are not to touch me. You are not to
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talk to me. And above all, you are not
to look at me.
147
00:09:15,670 --> 00:09:17,430
Sounds like one of my date.
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be proud of my park the way Walt Disney
was, or Don Knott's very.
149
00:09:46,650 --> 00:09:48,830
Dad, what ride should we go on first?
150
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:52,390
Look at this, son. A map with all 102
major attractions.
151
00:09:53,530 --> 00:09:56,490
Oh, no. Gary's Hall of Allergies is
closed.
152
00:09:57,690 --> 00:09:59,590
We could have gotten tested for cats.
153
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:04,010
I notice a large portion of this park is
taken up by Fairyland.
154
00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:09,460
That's a It happens to be Dairyland.
155
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:15,720
Oh, oh, Mr. Sparks, come on, let's go in
the magic hair dryer.
156
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,000
Lead on.
157
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,000
You know, Mr. Kyle's the operator. He'll
catch us up on all the latest gossip.
158
00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:45,440
Her hair looks better when you get off.
159
00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:50,160
Dad, do you think I'm old enough to go
on Gary's haunted bedroom?
160
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,100
I hope so, son, because they can't stop
to let you off like they did on the
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00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,100
merry -go -round.
162
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,580
I got to get one of those for my real
bedroom.
163
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,040
What a great ride. Feel my hair. It's so
fluffy. Oh, this is nice.
164
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,880
It's amazing you didn't fly off that
thing. What with the centrifugal force
165
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,000
goes up. I'll bet they train astronauts
on that thing.
166
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:32,080
Did you enjoy the ride, Mr. Sparta?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course,
167
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,039
didn't learn anything.
168
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,200
An acquaintance of mine wouldn't
appreciate the fact that I had a good
169
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,760
Oh, man, you know, I've had about all of
him I can take. I'm serious. I've
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00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,080
tried. Your attention, please.
171
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:48,120
Join us on Main Street, Sherman Oaks,
for the Gary Shandling Parade of Stars.
172
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,220
I think it's right on the money.
173
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,480
Well, no one asked you.
174
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,540
I told you not to talk to me.
175
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:39,020
Well, I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't
have to listen to you. That's it. Take
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00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:39,659
me home.
177
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,160
That's it. Take me home.
178
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:42,620
I've had enough.
179
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,620
Look, fellas, fellas, we paid 25 bucks
to get in here.
180
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,060
Now, I don't want to leave until we've
seen that new attraction, Nancy's Dream
181
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:49,719
House, okay?
182
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,760
Okay, fine. Then I'm leaving. All right,
then. I'm going, too.
183
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,700
Fine. Fine. I'm going to do this one
thing, and I'm leaving. Fine. Me, too.
184
00:13:06,730 --> 00:13:08,730
Gary, this is like no dream house I've
ever had.
185
00:13:09,170 --> 00:13:12,110
It's more like my dream house, what with
the rows of chairs right in front of
186
00:13:12,110 --> 00:13:13,110
the bed.
187
00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:23,290
Ladies and gentlemen,
188
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:25,810
welcome to Nancy's dream house.
189
00:13:26,010 --> 00:13:29,570
And here she is, the delightful Nancy.
190
00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:40,330
What shall I wear for Gary today?
191
00:13:40,630 --> 00:13:43,570
I think of Gary at work and play.
192
00:13:43,830 --> 00:13:48,970
I hope that Gary is on his way, for I
love the boy next door.
193
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:52,390
I thirst for him. I cling for him.
194
00:13:52,610 --> 00:13:55,550
I thirst with pride when I'm seen with
him.
195
00:13:55,890 --> 00:13:59,070
But what do I really mean to him?
196
00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:20,590
Is she great? Is she great or what?
197
00:14:20,870 --> 00:14:23,330
This is the stupidest thing I have ever
seen.
198
00:14:23,650 --> 00:14:25,810
Oh, come on. This is the best thing in
the whole park.
199
00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:29,370
What should I do today?
200
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,330
I know.
201
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:33,710
I'll make Gary a shirt.
202
00:14:37,490 --> 00:14:39,750
Fine silk for his soft skin.
203
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,930
Gary looks dashing whatever he's in.
204
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:47,750
Do you think I'll ever find a woman who
will love me like that?
205
00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:52,130
Gary, I hope there's not a woman left in
the world who would love anyone like
206
00:14:52,130 --> 00:14:53,130
that.
207
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:56,830
You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make
me a shirt every now and then.
208
00:14:59,370 --> 00:15:03,010
My late wife, Miriam, loved me like
that. Oh, shut up.
209
00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:12,710
Well, it's time for me to go to bed.
210
00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:16,910
But first, my little prayer must be
said.
211
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,560
Oh, for the love of... Love of God.
212
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,900
Would you keep it down? She's praying.
213
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:29,340
Shandling Land is a magic place where
people don't care about age, creed, or
214
00:15:29,340 --> 00:15:30,340
race.
215
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:36,200
All the world's troubles would disappear
if we kept Gary's spirit throughout the
216
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,200
whole year.
217
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,280
So, whether you're short, portly,
regular, or tall,
218
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,600
in someone's wall.
219
00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:55,260
Can't you find it in your heart to love
your neighbors one and all?
220
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,840
So let's all reach out to one another.
221
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:04,800
Let's all join hands and love thy
brother.
222
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:21,460
Promise of Nancy's Dreamhouse. The next
show will begin shortly.
223
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:41,060
Boy, you know, I've seen a lot of
Broadway shows, and this is the best
224
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:42,060
I've ever seen.
225
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:46,660
Really, take my word for it. You
don't... He's Gary.
226
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:48,880
He's Gary.
227
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,400
He's Gary.
228
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,220
The boy next door.
229
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I never expect applause when I sing,
seriously.
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00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:07,819
I took singing lessons for three years,
and my singing teacher actually said,
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you're throwing off the piano.
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00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:14,339
You know, maybe I have, uh...
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00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:20,050
Been too hard on Shanling Land. After
all, you know, isn't love and
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00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:22,950
all you can ever expect to learn from an
amusement park?
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00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:27,349
You better not look at me again,
Shanling, or I'll pop you one. Oh,
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00:17:27,349 --> 00:17:29,250
nothing but a big old bully, Mr.
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00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:33,450
Sparks. Yeah, well, I'm going to grab
all your hair and rip it out by the
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00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:34,690
and then I'm going to wash these gloves.
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00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:37,510
Boy, they move like they're almost real,
don't they?
240
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,810
Anyway, at least the real Mr.
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00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:46,030
Sparks and the real Gary learned the
lessons of Shandling Land. And now Bert
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00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:49,770
I, we're going to go hit the hair dryer
ride because I think we're built for
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00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:51,190
speed. Good night, everybody.
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00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:53,030
See you next week. Come on, Bert.
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00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,880
Hope you enjoyed this Gary Shandling
show.
21018
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